


My Heart is the Hardest to Break

by awkwardrainbow



Series: Tell Me You Love Me [2]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Artist Clarke Griffin, Eventual Smut, F/F, Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Referenced Mental Illnesses, Rival Friend Groups, Secret Crush, Shy Lexa (The 100), Slow Burn, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-27
Updated: 2018-10-20
Packaged: 2019-03-08 05:59:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 193,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13452000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awkwardrainbow/pseuds/awkwardrainbow
Summary: Lexa transfers to Polis University in the middle of the term to be closer to her sister Anya when she's not in the best mental state. There she discovers Anya and her friends (also Lexa's friends by association) have kind of a feud going on with an opposing group known around campus as The Delinquents (which Lexa thinks is just a stupid name if she's honest). In all actuality Lexa really doesn't care about the social situation, preferring to ignore it. But Clarke Griffin, the leader of The Delinquents seems to have taken an interest in her and well... Lexa for some reason can't help but be intrigued by her. They strike up a deal because Lexa has a 102% in class and Clarke wants to do better than a C (or so she says). In return for tutoring Clarke is to help Lexa acquire the proper social skills to obtain a girl she has her eye on (without actually having to reveal who the girl is to Clarke anyway). This deal is meant to be kept secret as is their slow bonding friendship that forms over the course of the term would not go over well with their rivaling friend groups.Nor would the fact that the girl Lexa's trying to woo is the one teaching her how.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly I have a poll for these stories so people can pick what goes up next but I've yet to listen to the poll after people vote and I feel bad about it but listen, this story just unraveled. And after a stunt of writer's block for the last month I'm not going to resist what wants to be written. So please enjoy this story, as I really like it and right now is a really good time for me to be focusing on writing something I really like.
> 
> (My warning for this story is that Anya isn't happy, her mental state could be triggering so please be safe.)

_~two weeks earlier~_

 

Lexa wasn’t averagely one to have a mental break down in front of a bunch of by-passers, but this map made absolutely no sense and she was going to be late if she couldn’t find her class soon. She’s never been late to a class before and she’s not exactly excited about breaking that record.

She was beginning to panic if the fingers combing through curly long brunette locks of hair was any indication. She’s been in circles now twice and nothing at all makes any sense. She looks at the time on her phone and only feels her heart rate increase and her chest tighten. She’s going to miss a class on her first god damn day because she can’t find anything, and these maps don’t make sense and the first person she asked for help snorted at her and just shoved past her, knocking into her shoulder like she was insignificant speck intruding on their life. It was rather rude and if Lexa wasn’t already so worried about being late she’d be more pissed off than panicked.

“Hello, you look a little lost.” Lexa’s hand is tightly wound in her hair, gripping the strands as she takes her eyes off the useless map in her other hand to meet pretty blue irises.

She feels her face flush with embarrassment, her hand dropping from her hair so she can shove the shaky palm in the front pocket of her jeans. “A little yeah,” She mumbles out nervously, watching the blonde girl in front of her offer her a friendly dazzling smile. She’s quite pretty… which really doesn’t help Lexa’s nerves any.

“What are you trying to find? I can help you.” The blonde girl takes a cautious step forward, closer to her. Long blonde hair cascading down her shoulders and hanging loosely around her face. Light make-up and a white button up with about three buttons un-done at the top that Lexa tries not to stare at.

Really this girl is doing absolutely nothing for her nervousness. “Art History,” Lexa bites her bottom lip briefly and looks down at the map again. “I can’t find this building.” She points to it on the map as she tips it over into the pretty blonde’s eyesight, feeling anxious because of the fact that she’s interacting with someone so attractive more so than the fact that she’s been lost for the past thirty minutes.

“Yes, because it doesn’t exist anymore, they really should update these maps, follow me they moved all of the classes that used to be here this way.” The girl smiles charmingly, and Lexa feels her heart stutter for a minute. If Anya were here she’d probably roll her eyes because she already knows how uselessly gay Lexa is.

“Thank you,” She mumbles too quietly, falling in step beside the blonde as she takes her toward her class, going completely the opposite way than the map says to go. She balls it up in her hand and tosses it in the nearest bin as they pass it. _Useless, useless piece of material._

“I’m Clarke by the way, what’s your name?” Clarke is still smiling, looking soft with the sunlight in her hair and warm with the slight twinkle in bright blue eyes. Lexa wonders who sculpted her because she couldn’t be human. She’s way too pretty to be real.

“Lexa,” She answers shyly, blushing slightly as Clarke’s eyes seem to scrutinize the details of her face as they walk, like she’s trying to match detail to syllables.

“Lexa,” Clarke says the name like she’s tasting the way it feels on her tongue. “Pretty.” She says after a beat of silence and Lexa’s thinks her heart is also a useless piece of material as well because it can’t even sit still when a pretty girl says she likes her name.

She blushes and tries her hardest not to make it noticeable, letting her hair come down around her face and keeping her eyes on the sidewalk as they head toward whatever direction Clarke is taking them in. “So, what brings you to Polis Lexa?”

She licks her lips as she swallows briefly and tries to get a handle on her own nerves. She feels fantastically bad at conversation in this moment and it’s slightly irritating. “My sister Anya.”

Clarke seems to contemplate that for a moment, looking quite thoughtful and curious as her eyes travel in front of them before looking back at Lexa again. “Hmm, Woods?” She asks and Lexa wonders how well Clarke must know her sister. Or maybe they just have a class together and she’s seen her? Either way, Clarke knows her sister and she can’t tell if that’s going to be a bad or good thing, though she’s hoping it’s a good thing.

“Yeah.” Clarke pulls the door open to the building Lexa hadn’t even realized was there before for her and she nervously passes her across the threshold of the structure.

“Just down here.” Clarke’s smile is still there, big and genuine and kind of really beautiful and Lexa finds she’s having a hard time keeping her eyes on the ground and not looking at her and the way her smile makes the blue in her eyes sparkle.

“Thank you again, I was starting to panic.” She admits with a shaky voice… she really is a useless gay.

“You looked like it, can’t have someone as gorgeous as you freaking out on your first day can we?” Clarke winks at her as they stop outside a room with the name “KANE” stapled on the glass of the door. The blush rushes up Lexa’s neck and invades her cheekbones before she can even think to stop it or at least take precautions to hide it because she learned long ago that she was an easy blusher.

Clarke most certainly notices, if the smile on her face that stretches into a smirk is any hint that she’s not doing very well at hiding it. “If you need any more help after, my class is just the one down the hall on the left, they get out around the same time.” The blonde shrugs and looks nonchalant but Lexa feels anything but, a racing heart and a nervous twitch to her hands that she hopes Clarke won’t notice.

“Thank you.” Lexa mumbles shyly again, feeling embarrassed that she can’t seem to untie her tongue long enough to say something else.

“See you around Lexa.” Clarke grins and Lexa watches her walk away, noticing the slight sway of her hips she does. Blushing again she quickly looks away before Clarke can catch her and rushes into her classroom with a soft sigh of relief that she won’t be breaking her attendance record.

 

***

 

_~present time~_

 

“I’m sorry what’s the point of this again?” Lexa shrugs, the glass of cider in her hand being nursed closely, her lips on the rim even when she’s not drinking it, eyes gazing at the delicate patterns of the abstract painting in front of them.

“I don’t know it’s art.” Lexa shrugs as Anya lets out the loudest and most obnoxious sound, as if staring at art makes her physically uncomfortable. She’s always been one for the over-dramatic, but Lexa has been quite enjoying herself despite Anya’s near incessant request to leave every thirty seconds. There’s just something about being surrounded by art that makes Lexa’s heart feel a little whole.

“The only one here that makes any sense is that one Griffin did, and I hate her.” Lexa shrugs, eyes leaving the painting they’re staring at to run across the gallery back to the very painting Anya had just mentioned. It was pretty, a landscape of watercolor, the setting sun on the glittering water and Lexa felt pretty drawn to it… She’s always had kind of a thing for watching sunsets.

“I mean, she would probably take your compliment as an insult anyways.” Lexa takes another sip of her cider as Anya lets out one of those loud sighs again. Lexa only finds it kind of amusing.

“I want to go home, we’re getting extra credit for this right?” Anya says with her head tilted back so she’s staring up at the ceiling.

“Yep.” Lexa mumbles, a pop of the “P” coming from her lips as she turns from the painting to head toward Clarke’s extravagant landscape of watercolors. Anya unwilfully follows her, a soft groan of protest like Lexa has ahold of her wrist and is dragging her across the building in that painting’s general direction.

“Ah, what are you doing here?” Clarke says with a small smirk, lips tilted up slightly as she meets Lexa’s gaze. She’s got her normal air of nonchalance that Lexa doesn’t normally bother with or pay much attention to but it’s hard not to notice her when she’s there. There’s something about Clarke that’s always been… eye catching. Almost as much as any work of art in this gallery, not that Lexa would ever admit that out loud… in fact even just thinking it is kind of a direct offense to Anya.

“Extra credit.” Anya glares at her and that smirk that had been along her lips dissipates and turns into a frown as her gaze leaves Lexa to meet Anya. Lexa is relatively new to Anya’s… rivals she could call it? Anya’s group of friends that are Lexa’s by association have a… rivalry, yes, that’s the right word, and Clarke happens to lead those rivals? Lexa doesn’t know, whenever she thinks of the complicated social situation her head swims.

All she knows is because of it, she’s had an abundance of erasers flicked at the back of her head and Raven Reyes keeps trying to make something of hers blow up she’s pretty sure at this point. She tries to stay out of it as best she can, as she doesn’t see how it’s much of her business but… the rivalry comes with her sister and well… that just makes her apart of it too.

“I can hardly believe someone like you is related to someone like…” Clarke eyes drift back to Lexa and her smile returns, it warm and inviting and nothing like the fake smirks she gives when the gang of her friends are around to witness her behavior. Maybe it’s because Lexa had picked her books up for her after Anya had rudely knocked them out of Clarke’s hand on her second day, but it was only yet another part of the situation that made her head swim. “ _her_.”

Lexa doesn’t mean to blush, but she thinks she does, never having been very good with compliments she lets her eyes trail away from the pretty blonde who happens to be her sister’s rival and stares at the watercolor landscape too hard. “And you’ll stay away from her.” Anya’s arm is slipping into her own protectively and Lexa chances another look at Clarke’s charming smile after she thinks the blush has cleared from her cheekbones.

“Sure that’s what you want, Lexa?” Clarke is grinning from ear to ear and Lexa is confused by the question. Clarke’s interest has nothing to do with being romantic of course, only to get under Anya’s skin. She learned that on her first day when she mentioned meeting a pretty girl to Anya and her sister’s head about exploded before she launched into a full-blown lecture on why Clarke was someone Lexa was never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER allowed to be interested in.

She doesn’t play along because it’s still none of her business. “Yes, it is.” Anya answers and drags Lexa away from her. “It doesn’t matter how charming she might be to you. It’s a façade. You’re pretty and new and she prays on the sweet.” Anya mutters bitterly. Glancing behind her presumably at Clarke with a snarl on her face before she properly turns away.

“Don’t you think you’re being a little dramatic?” Lexa answers with a short chuckle escaping from her throat, her head turning to glance back at the blonde as well who’s still watching her, that smirk there and genuine. She winks and Lexa forces herself to look away as a new blush descends upon her cheekbones.

“Ask around campus Lexa. Clarke’s played the field, she’s off limits anyway because we don’t fuck with her and her stupid delinquents, but I don’t like the way she’s been looking at you.” Anya sneers as they reach the hall toward the entrance, turning around a corner that hangs plenty of abstract paintings that Anya hates, and Lexa has spent about an hour trying to dissect.

Lexa chuckles. “I’m pretty sure she only does it because it makes you so mad.” She admits, burying the hope that, that’s not all it is. She doesn’t want to examine that hope, unsure of its meaning. She’d rather dismiss it as her wanting to be a little flattered than her wanting Clarke to actually be interested.

“Either way, you don’t need to become a conquest and before you protest I know you can handle yourself, I’m just saying, pick anyone else Lex, now can we leave yet, you think?” Anya’s already tugging her further down the hallway toward the exit and the sign out sheet before she even verbally answers.

“Probably, the professor said thirty minutes.” They’ve been here well past that, but then again, that was mostly Lexa’s fault.

Anya lets out a long-relieved sigh. “Oh, thank god lets sign out than.”

 

***

 

“How was the art show?” Costia asks brightly when Lexa comes through the door an hour later. Her roommate was far too pretty to be sharing a room with Lexa, it made the brunette feel like such a creep because she couldn’t deny the small crush bubbling in her chest for her. All she had to do was smile and Lexa would be blushing. She was unreasonably pretty but then again Lexa was unreasonably bad at acting normal around very pretty girls.

It was kind of ridiculous. “It was alright, Anya hated it.” She lets out a long sigh of her own that she’s been holding back and flops onto her bed.

“Yeah, she would, but she’s not an art major and Indra’s class is an elective.” Costia snickers, rolling her eyes but not out of malice. Costia was one of Anya’s close friends, Lexa only got lucky that she was roomed with her, though she’s sure the girl misses having the space to herself.

She hasn’t hinted at it though, having welcomed Lexa from day one. “Didn’t help that Clarke was there.” She informs her roommate who chuckles at that, holding a t-shirt to her chest as she folds it. Lexa watches her a moment before looking away at the ceiling.

“Oh right, your sister and Griffin still at war?” Of course she knows the answer to that, she’s close enough with Anya to know that a feud like theirs will probably never end, unfortunately. Lexa thinks it would be better for Anya if it did, as the feud seemed to cause a lot of stress that the brunette had yet to figure out how to solve for her.

“Oh yeah.” She lets a heavy sigh escape from her chest as if to emphasis the complicated mess the entire situation actually is. If anyone understands how Lexa feels about it, it’s definitely Costia.

“Must be kind of weird huh? I bet it’s hard for Clarke to be mean to you.”

Lexa raises an eyebrow, turning her head to look at Costia as she folds a pair of jeans. “Why do you say that?” She asks cluelessly, watching her as she stacks the jeans in a pile of pants she’s already folded on her bed.

Costia blushes now. “I mean. You’re really pretty and Clarke has a thing for… well, girls.” She makes a vague motion with her hand and Lexa wonders if when Clarke flirts with her if it’s actually genuine instead of her just trying to get under Anya’s skin. She won’t admit the small hope that bubbles inside of her from that thought, she won’t admit that it makes her face a little warm with a new blush that has nothing to do with Costia calling her pretty.

Though if Lexa’s being fair, she doesn’t quite notice Costia calling her pretty until a few moments later, after she’s properly thought fully about what Costia has said. She tries not to blush even more, but she really can’t escape it. “You know Clarke well?” She asks, turning her face away and hoping she’s wearing enough make-up that her cheeks aren’t glowing.

“We have a few classes together, did a project last term that was like 25% of our grade. She’s really nice, not my type but kind of a player so that’s kind of why.” Costia shrugs, focusing back on her clothes.

Lexa lets silence take over for a moment as her eyebrows furrow in thought. She’s heard this before of course but she’s never exactly asked Anya to elaborate on it. “Player?”

“Yeah you know, she’s a bit unattached, not sure she ever can be attached.” Costia shrugs and continues folding her clothes. Lexa tries not to be as curious as she is about the blonde girl, but she can’t help it as she falls onto her bed.

Clarke’s… intriguing. Not that she’d admit that out loud, or that it means anything with romantic potential, or that Lexa will investigate of course. As long as the admission stays in her head and out of sight she’s safe anyways. “And you like attached?” Lexa asks instead of veering onto the path of more questions about Clarke. The less she knows about her the better anyway, she’s trying to follow Anya’s instructions on steering clear.

Costia smiles a bit to herself, glances at Lexa as she answers. “ _Definitely_.”

 

***

 

There’s something about a soft sunset that’s Lexa’s particular favorite to stare at. In general, most of her thoughts about it are as cliché and unoriginal as the next, but it still doesn’t stop her eyes from being glued to the look. There was this spot on campus, above everything that just made it so clear and made everything else so utterly small.

Lexa liked that it was quiet up here as well. That there wasn’t a thousand and one people trying to get things done, shoving past her almost as if she wasn’t there. She liked that it was just her and the sky and nothing else really came between them. She liked that it wasn’t confusing as well and up here there was no feud or rivalries or off limits pretty girls.

She’s been thinking that maybe she should go home, but she probably won’t. She’s here now, here and stuck and that’s just how it is. Anya needs her, even if she hasn’t directly vocalized that need, she really needs her right now and she’s not about to leave her sister when she needs her most. She pulls her knees to her chest, wraps her arms around herself and rests her chin atop her knee. The sunset is glittering toward her, magnificent and stunning as it always is.

She wonders what the sun would look like if it were a person. If that person would be too hard to stare at? The thought fades away with the image of Clarke that pops up in her head. Clarke isn’t the sun though, she’s something else. Something almost deeply confusing to Lexa for having only met her a few weeks ago. She’s really curious how Clarke and her friends have managed to become rivals of Anya and her friends. She’s never asked, she kind of doesn’t want to, afraid of the story she could be given.

Maybe she’s more afraid of Anya trying to taint the painted image of Clarke that’s in Lexa’s head already. She does it every day, something short and small that goes with the rivalry mumbled in Lexa’s ear whenever they see her. But Lexa doesn’t know how someone so… _beautiful_ could be so ugly. She doesn’t exactly believe it, at least for Clarke it doesn’t feel like that’s possible.

She wonders if Clarke mumbles a lot of the same things to her friends about Anya that Anya mutters to her. She probably does, like an endless vicious cycle, though Clarke seems to take it as more of a game than anything else. Or maybe that’s the true façade, like she doesn’t give a damn. Like she doesn’t care about anything.

Lexa wonders how far that façade goes, allowing herself in this moment, with only the sunset to accompany her, to let her curiosity of the blonde expand and be examined. It’s inevitable she thinks of her. She’s been thinking of her since they met. All pretty eyes and nice smile and walking Lexa to her class. Her smile didn’t even change when she guessed Lexa’s last name after Lexa dropped Anya’s name. Her smile was the same. But was that smile a façade too?

Is Clarke never real, or is that just how she wants to be perceived?

“I see you found my spot?” Lexa jumps, green eyes leaving the sunset to meet the stare of the very girl on her mind. What are the odds? Probably limited… or maybe they’re pretty high as this is the most beautiful spot on campus, so why wouldn’t someone as talented as Clarke, who is an artist, notice it before she ever did?

She doesn’t say anything, the pickup of her heart rate representing her nerves. She doesn’t know what it is about Clarke that makes her palms sweat but she just tightens her grip around her knees and stays in the same position she had been previously, eyes still on the sunset.

“Do you mind if I sit here?” Clarke’s voice is low and soft and so… _gentle_. It’s the same as it was the first time they met and Lexa wonders how many people hear her voice like this, or if she only ever uses it in quiet moments, with no one to notice or bear witness to such tender behavior.

Lexa only shakes her head but doesn’t speak. For some reason she’s afraid too. She can smell Clarke as she sits next to her, the wind strong enough to breeze across her skin and carry her pretty scent between them. _What is it? Vanilla or cinnamon or both?_

“You don’t talk much do you?” Clarke breaks the silence again and Lexa still doesn’t look at her apart from the corner of her eye. Clarke isn’t looking at the sunset. There’s a pad in her hand, a pencil behind her ear. She looks pretty with the fading sunlight on her face.

Lexa pretends she’s not thinking it. “That’s okay, I can work with that.” Clarke smirks at her before she flips open her notebook. “Could I draw you?” She asks so casually that Lexa thinks she’s hearing things at first.

But she’s not hearing things and Lexa’s attention is fully caught, her eyebrows raising to her hairline and her back straightening as she sits up from her previous hunched over position. “What?” She says in a small voice, too small for her liking actually.

Clarke only chuckles. “Sorry is that crazy? You’re just… really,” Clarke’s eyes carry over her, glance at the sunset and then over her again. “Something about you I just really want to draw.” And it’s not a shy admission, Clarke is confident about it. She doesn’t care that it makes the tips of Lexa’s ears turn pink and the hot blush travels across her face without her permission.

She wishes she didn’t blush so easily. “I guess,” She mumbles quietly, too quietly. She needs to find her voice but she’s feeling rather shy all the sudden.

She takes her eyes from the pretty scene that is Clarke with the sunset in her hair and forces her eyes to stay on where they had been. She takes back her earlier thought, someone can look like the sun, and yes, it’s a bit hard to look at them. “It’s kind of a tick you know, when I see something so… captivating I have to draw it.”

“Captivating?” She squeaks out, gripping her arms even tighter around her knees now. The blush on her face is never going to go away, she’s going to die with it she’s sure.

“Don’t tell me you don’t think you’re captivating?” Clarke is grinning at her charmingly. “Something about you Lexa, your kind of mysterious you know.” Clarke begins to draw but Lexa tries hard to ignore the scrapping of her pencil because if she focuses on it, she’ll focus on what Clarke is drawing and she really will die with this blush on her face.

“Not really,” She mumbles again, too quiet, too small. Where is her voice?

“Actually, you are. You’re nothing like Anya.” Clarke is watching her so intently, like she’s printing her into her brain to memorize every edge she must draw. She feels self-conscious but tries hard not to show it, tries hard to ignore the urge to retreat behind her hair. “You’re so…” Clarke exhales slightly. “ _Sweet_.”

Lexa smiles slightly, the blush no longer a light pink but she’s sure is as red as roses. “I heard you like sweet girls?” She doesn’t mean for it to sound the way it sounds. It sounds… like she wants something a lot more than she should. It sounds… inviting, like she wants Clarke closer.

She’s so confused that she isn’t sure that’s actually far off, not that she’s going to admit it out loud or even allow herself to let it happen because Clarke Griffin is off limits… she can already hear Anya’s voice in her head. “I do.” Clarke is grinning ear to ear; a small blush is surfacing across her cheekbones now as well and Lexa wonders when she turned her head fully from the sunset to look at her and how long she’s been doing it.

Clarke’s a lot like the sunset if she’s honest with herself, it may be hard to watch her but it’s also hard to look away from her. “You’re not supposed to like me.” She says without much thought, because in all actuality, she’s not supposed to like Clarke either.

Clarke chuckles. “Because of Anya and her gang?” Clarke scoots closer to her, examining her closely though her pencil is placed back in her hair, right behind her left ear. “They don’t tell me what to do. We could be friends you know?” She’s got that charming smirk back on her face, lips tilted up and Lexa can’t help that her eyes slip to them, studying them.

She looks away from the girl’s mouth, but Clarke has already caught her. She can only hope Clarke won’t say anything. “I don’t think so.” She replies after she seems to visibly swallow her nerves.

Clarke’s eyes are twinkling, and the soft light of the sunset makes them look bluer. “No probably not. My friends… wouldn’t like that either.”

Lexa bites her bottom lip briefly. “Are you finished?”

“No.” Clarke’s pencil is back in her left hand, moving along the page as she stares at Lexa, as she draws every line with the sun going down in front of them. Lexa’s heart is pounding like this moment means a lot more to them than it does. They don’t know each other that well, it’s not significant but god is Lexa’s mind all over the place with a fluttering heart beat in her chest.

“Can I see it when you’re done?” She musters up the courage to ask quietly after a long moment of silence. The sun is almost gone now, the sky full of orange and pink but soon to be replaced by darkness.

“Yes, you can keep it if you let me draw you again sometime?” Clarke tugs the page out of her notebook and admires it for a second, eyes examining every single last inch she had just roughly sketched. “I need some practice drawing you.” She mumbles after a moment, quieter than the rest of her words almost as if it’s an afterthought, or one in her head that had escaped without her permission.

“Practice?” Lexa quirks an eyebrow curiously, wondering why Clarke would even want to draw her again, or even wanted to draw her in the first place. She didn’t feel like “captivating” was the right answer.

“It’s not… you’re hard to capture. A challenge.” Clarke’s eyes leave the sketch to meet Lexa’s and she wonders what the look on her face means, the furrow to her brows, the slight frown now stapled there like she can’t get out of her own head.

“Am I?” The blush is back, and Lexa doesn’t quite know why.

“You are.” Clarke snaps the book shut and with it whatever thoughts had seemed to be suddenly troubling her and places the paper in Lexa’s lap that she isn’t looking at, but where the wind won’t be able to carry it. “Maybe if you’re here tomorrow, I can draw you again?” Clarke is asking her, eyes full of something real for the first time since that moment they met.

Lexa’s heart pounds. “Maybe I’ll be here.” She mumbles around the words and Clarke stands, the sky already beginning to darken.

“Goodnight Lexa.” And Lexa watches her leave down the path she had come up. Her heart racing with each further step she takes. She almost wants to call her back, but she doesn’t know what for or what she even wanted to say that wasn’t off limits along with Clarke herself being off limits.

She lets out a soft huff, pulls the page in her lap between her hands and stares at what Clarke sees, or perceives her to look like. The lines of her face a slightly rough sketch, it’s only pencil but something about it makes her stomach twist. She doesn’t think she looks like this. What Clarke has drawn feels like someone else, someone more beautiful, stunning even and possibly wistful.

She looks up at the sky, the sun gone now from sight and she thinks that maybe Clarke is nothing at all like the things she’s heard.

 

***

 

“Someone fix Lexa’s lipstick please,” Anya shouts over the crowd of people, clambering into the elevator. Costia is next to her, urging Lexa’s face to look at her with the tips of her fingers on her jawline. Lexa’s ears turn pink as her thumb swipes below her bottom lip.

“I got it,” Costia tells her sweetly, smiling as she reapplies the red gently and wiping away the excess. “If you hadn’t of rushed her out while she was in the middle of this, we wouldn’t be in this situation.” Costia offers Anya a playful glare as Anya rolls her eyes, ignoring her as the elevator climbs upward.

“Thanks, Costia,” Lexa smiles once Costia is done, eyes twinkling into her roommate’s. The elevator dings and the doors slide open causing Lexa’s gaze to slip away, the scramble of people escaping toward the place down the hallway with the booming music.

“No one let Lexa leave in an hour, she’s staying until we all leave.” Anya pipes up from her place at the front and there’s a rumble of agreement as they approach the room like they all realize within the span of a two-week period that Lexa isn’t particularly keen on parties. At least not ones that are so loud you can’t hear your own thoughts and so full of alcohol that no one is safe.

She hasn’t been here long, and in that time, she’s only been to two parties despite there being one at least every night, both of which she’s left within the hour of arriving at. It’s perhaps her own fault that Anya is setting this rule.

Lexa lets out along drawn out sigh. “Prisoned.” She mumbles under her breath though it’s loud enough to be heard by everyone else, not quite close enough to the music yet to drown her out the way it normally would.

Luna snorts behind her. “With a night of fun though.” She offers supportively, her touch brief on Lexa’s shoulder.

“Lexa’s idea of fun is staying up past midnight watching re-runs of Friends.” Lincoln teases, making Lexa roll her eyes.

“I’ve been her roommate for exactly two weeks and it’s not Friends, its more like Planet Earth.” Costia bumps her shoulder into Lexa’s with a smile that’s as warm as the sun on a spring day.

“Okay, shut up.” Lexa pipes in and the group laughs, following Anya through the door of the party, the music even louder after they cross the threshold. For an apartment the lights are crazy, skittering and switching in a way that needs a seizure warning. “How long do we have to be here again?” Lexa shouts into Anya’s ear so she can hear her over the music.

Her sister rolls her eyes. “For a while Lexa, loosen up.”

Out of the two parties Lexa’s been too since she transferred to Polis University neither one of them were fun. It’s just a mix of loud music and overly drunk and even high people getting too handsy. Plus, loud music has never been her favorite. She likes the classical stuff, singer-song writer music. Not that she can’t enjoy a song with a good beat but a college party kind of takes the fun out of it.

“Let’s start with a drink!” Costia slips her arm into Lexa’s and tugs her away from the rest of the group toward where they’re keeping the alcohol. She doesn’t protest but the loss of how safe she feels surrounded by Anya and her friends is felt as it becomes just her and Costia, alone near alcohol. well, alone with about a hundred strangers. “As your roommate, it’s my duty to get you home safely. Your sister’s um, rivals are here.” Costia mumbles in her ear, lips nearly brushing the shell.

Lexa’s head whips up at that, in search of them. “Where?” She asks with a pang in her heart, because she’s most certainly not interested in seeing them because of one particular blonde person at all. No, she’s only interested because of Anya, because Anya wants to have fun and not be stressed. That’s it, that’s why.

It has nothing to do with Clarke, nothing at all.

“Over there! They watched us walking in!” Costia subtly tips her head in the direction to a corner of the room. With the flashing lights and the loud music, it’s no wonder she didn’t see them. But it’s them, not that Lexa can really make anyone out, outside of Clarke’s long blonde hair and the blue eyes that are following her. She can’t really see their color right now but they’re hard to forget after you’ve gotten a close enough look at them at least once.

“Guess this is going to be a crazy night?” She tries to sound light hearted, but Clarke is looking at her and looking like she’s about to part the crowd to get to her and the blonde always makes her incredibly nervous.

“And I’ll be your knight.” Costia winks and parts from Lexa long enough to grab them both drinks, taking Lexa’s mind off Clarke’s stare long enough to actually laugh at her roommate. Her chuckle dissipates when she glances back toward Clarke and her group, to notice the blonde is still watching her, eyes gleaming in her direction. She wonders why, but quickly shrugs the question off when Costia appears back at her side, handing over a red cup full of bronze colored liquid.

Clarke is off limits, so it doesn’t matter why.

 

 

“Didn’t expect to see you here?” Clarke shouts over the music, her most famous smile firm and in place on her face. It’s stunningly attractive and Lexa’s really glad she’s only taken one sip of the liquid in her glass because if she hadn’t, and she had drunk even a little bit more she fears she might say that out loud.

Lexa studies her a moment with the tilt of her head. When she had seen Clarke earlier her hair has been down, but now it’s braided and out of her face. She looks comfortable while still looking utterly attractive. Lexa looks away to try to remove that thought from her head. “How do I already have a reputation for being an anti-social nerd?” She asks with a small shy smile, focusing too much on the liquid in her cup. It really wasn’t very good anyway.

“That’s not exactly your reputation Lexa.” Clarke says her name with too much pronunciation and it makes Lexa look up from the liquid to meet her eyes. They’re a bit wider than they normally would be, dilated too and her cheeks are nice and rosy to signify that maybe she’s been drinking, perhaps awhile before Lexa had even arrived.

She’s about to humor Clarke with her question that the blonde no doubt is expecting her to ask but Anya is by her side to interrupt before she gets the chance. She tries to squash the disappointment at the interruption. “Going to say something smooth slick?” Her tone makes Lexa jump because she had just been watching the girl dance around with Lincoln, taking up the middle of the floor, which Raven and some brunette girl she had been standing next to honestly didn’t look very happy about. She’s surprised the groups haven’t interacted yet but then again, they only seem to really go at it when their leaders have come head to head… which is going to happen now if Lexa doesn’t find some way to stop it.

“Of course, you’re here to ruin an enjoyable conversation.” Clarke glares at her and Anya glares back. Lexa unfortunately is against a wall between the two, she’s blocked from a proper quick escape route anyways, so she really does have no other choice but to find some way to intervene.

So, because she has no choice she knows the only way to quell the oncoming battle is by getting herself and Anya away from Clarke, despite her wanting to stay and talk to the blonde. “Let’s dance Anya,” She tries for distraction because her dancing at a college party is sure to brighten her sister’s spirts a bit. After all, she hasn’t really been trying and Anya just wants her to fit in.

She doesn’t stop glaring at Clarke though. “Okay,” She says, Anya setting aside her red cup and hooking their arms together to tug her toward the dancing crowd of bodies.

Clarke watches her leave, glare vanishing as she watches Lexa move into a body of people. She’s watching her interestedly, that smirk back and Lexa wonders what she might be thinking, though she doesn’t allow the thought to dwell and quickly squabbles it to focus on intertwining with her group and Costia again to dance to music she doesn’t really like.

If anyone notices that her attention keeps fading toward Clarke’s general direction, nobody says anything.

 

***

 

“Here Costia,” Lexa places the water bottle she had pulled from the mini fridge on the girl’s bedside table, setting a few Advil tablets beside it. “You should eat something too.” She informs her roommate almost at a whisper for the benefit of her head.

Costia grumbles and keeps her head under the cover of her blankets. “Thanks,” her voice is scratchy and rough but as sincere as she can probably get it and Lexa doesn’t mind.

She smiles almost sympathetically despite Costia not exactly being able to see her. “I’ve got to go to class, want me to pick you up anything after?” She still keeps the volume to her voice as low as she can, which isn’t averagely too hard since she has a tendency to be quiet anyway.

She can see Costia shaking her head from the movement of the blanket. “No. Thanks Lex,” The girl grumbles again and stays buried, and Lexa doubts she’ll come out for the rest of the day. The brunette smiles more and nods her head, grabbing her bag, sparing one last glance at the rumpled form of Costia hidden under her blanket before she exits her dorm room. The hall is lively, despite the party most everyone in the building probably attended. People are loud and laughing and making jokes and Lexa keeps her head down to make it through them.

She heads toward the cafeteria for breakfast before being locked behind the doors of her class and meets Lincoln half way there as he almost runs into her with his nose in his phone. “Sorry,” He mumbles but still doesn’t glance up. Lexa only shrugs it off, walking with him until they make it to the double doors. Lincoln unburies himself from his phone long enough to hold the door open for her and she thanks him as she crosses the threshold into the warmer air. Lincoln follows behind her.

It’s relatively quiet in this room compared to her dorm room hall except for Anya and her group… well, Lexa supposes she should start referring to them as her friend’s as well now, since they technically are. Lexa sort of had qualifications though, she happened to be kind of a distant person and friends that couldn’t understand that weren’t really friends. But she supposed right now, while she was here for Anya and going to stupid college parties with them, she could consider them friends.

Lincoln let her go ahead of him in the line. At least, if not all of them, Lincoln is definitely her friend. She smiles at him as he finally shoves his phone in his front pocket. “Where’s Cos?” He asks as he places an apple on his own tray after Lexa has already done the same.

“Still in bed.” She mumbles examining the various foods and their groups as she tries to decide what she’s hungry for.

“Didn’t she say something about protecting you last night and then she got wasted?” Lincoln asks with a wide amused grin that Lexa only shrugs at.

“Doesn’t matter to me, I can look out for myself anyway.” She doesn’t look up as she reaches for a few more fruit related items, mostly focused on finding something to subdue the hunger in her belly than really participating in conversation.

“I know, Anya’s told me about you’re interest in kick boxing?” He looks skeptical and quizzical as Lexa looks up temporarily from her tray and grins widely at him.

She nods her head. “Did she? Yeah, sort of.” She shrugs again and looks back to the food items, grabbing the rest of the things she’d like before moving on to something to drink.

“You any good?” He seems interested and Lexa bites her lip to keep from bragging.

“Eh, maybe.” She mumbles shyly. She knows she’s good at it, she’d love to kind of show off, but Lexa has always been a little shy when it comes to attention worthy things.

“You should hit the gym with me sometime. Me and this group meet at night, it’s chill, quite fun.” He shrugs his shoulders in a nonchalant manner like the invitation doesn’t mean very much and maybe it doesn’t, but it gives Lexa a temporary load of things to think about. Like if she should, if she’d manage to do well or embarrass herself because of all the people, if her sister would encourage her to go or not because normally Lexa manages to get herself to do certain social things depending on what her sister says is normal. Maybe that’s kind of how they help each other.

“Yeah maybe.” Lexa pays for her tray and waits for Lincoln to pay for his before she walks across the cafeteria to the rest of the group, who all seem rather lively for having been out most of the night and having probably drunk too much.

Lexa’s always glad she avoids alcohol most of the time, due to the tragic effect it seems to have when you wake up the next day. “Reyes gave you a nickname Lexa.” Anya scowls as she says it, Lexa taking her seat comfortably right beside her sister.

She raises a quizzical eyebrow because she’s almost one hundred percent sure this nickname isn’t out of affection or apology for trying to kill her. She’s still adamant that she was trying to rig her phone to malfunction and blow up when she had caught her fiddling with it in the library that first week when she had forgotten it at her table.

She says she was only trying to figure out who it belonged to, but her smile looked far too evil. “What is it?” She asks with a slight amount of dread because she knows it’s most likely going to be something she starts out not liking and by the end of the term Raven will probably use it so much that she’ll want to rip her own hair out.

She’s not exactly looking forward to that. “Baby Woods.” Luna cackles like it’s the funniest thing in the world. It isn’t, in fact it’s actually a slightly irritating nickname even if it sounds harmless.

 _Baby?_ She’s not a baby.

“I’m not sure if it’s Reyes that came up with it or Griffin.” Echo grumbles from across the table. She doesn’t look up from her food, looking as hung over as Costia. She also tends to avoid using any of the Delinquents first names. It’s quite interesting but Lexa somehow thinks she can actually understand why she would do something like that.

“It’s probably Griffin, sounds like something absolutely irritating that she’d do.” Anya’s scowl only seems to deepen and because Lexa isn’t interested in her sister being absolutely stressed before seven o’clock in the morning she places a gentle comforting hand on her back.

“I’m sure it was Raven, she’s trying to kill me I think.” The table laughs at that, even Anya cracks a small smile.

Though if Lexa is honest, she doesn’t really find it that funny. “Look at little Lexie getting involved.” Luna grins happily from her place beside Niylah, biting into an apple with amusement in her gaze.

“Please don’t call me that.” Lexa cringes, and starts to cut into her breakfast carefully.

“Speaking of the devils incarnated.” Niylah nods her head toward the trio appearing in the doorway. Clarke looks as much like the sun as she’s looked every single day before and Lexa forces her gaze down not only because it’s hard to stare at her but because the last thing she needs is to be caught staring at her, especially by Anya who already seems to be stressing out about even the mere thought of Clarke Griffin.

“Look its old Woods and baby Woods.” Raven calls across the cafeteria to them, grinning widely and waving her hand like they’re all long-lost friends.

“Old Woods,” Anya scoffs. “Real creative.” She rolls her eyes and seems to do her best so early in the morning to ignore their existence, which isn’t a common occurrence and Lexa welcomes it. It helps her not have to worry so damn much when her eyes still wish to be closed.

Lexa thinks the last thing her sister needs is to be stressed out about some dorky feud. If anything, the only one out of the three girls that seems awake enough to be a nuisance is Raven. “She enjoys it when I get flustered, she’s not scared of me and it’s really frustrating.” Anya had told her on her first week in experiencing Raven’s kind of fun with the feud.

Lexa thinks she might see it all as a big joke and she actually doesn’t take it as seriously as the rest of them seem to, and in a sense, she thinks maybe that’s a good thing. Even if she is probably trying to murder her.

Clarke doesn’t seem in the mood to talk to them today, and much to Lexa’s dismay she doesn’t even seem to offer them a glance… or Lexa a glance. Not a friendly smile, her famous smirk, or even a wink. Nothing and Lexa finds it kind of annoying that, that disappoints her.

“We’re only a year apart.” Anya mutters after a while and Lexa can’t help but smile a bit because that’s how she feels about it.

“Whatever, lets finish up and get out of here.” Echo says with a heavy sigh, a no-nonsense tone obvious and probably having something to do with her hangover.

Lexa is weak to resist her intrigue, eyes glancing over as if she’s waiting for Clarke to look at her. She thinks she must be obvious, but nobody seems to notice. She isn’t sure what she’d say if they did notice.

She doesn’t get a glimpse at pretty blue eyes before they exit the cafeteria and Lexa tries her hardest to not feel dissatisfied at that fact.

 

***

 

“Baby Woods!” Raven calls loudly as she knocks Lexa’s books out of her hand.

“What the fuck!” Anya is about ready to leap on her and Raven seems unaffected, still walking, offering Anya a wink over her shoulder as Lexa lets out a heavy long sigh before she’s dropping to her knees to grab her things.

“It’s okay, she does it every day.” She mumbles it almost too quietly, but Anya hears her anyway.

“I’m sorry Lexa.” Anya says sincerely, dropping down to help her as well. “It’s only because of the feud. Raven can be reasonable, I’ll try talking to her. You’re not a part of this.” Anya seems distressed at this sudden situation, hands starting to shake as she helps Lexa with her things.

Lexa places her own hand over her sister’s, stopping her frantic movements. “It’s okay.” She mumbles quietly and turns her head enough to meet Anya’s eyeline. “It’s okay, we’re okay.” She tells her gently, squeezing her sister’s hand and watching her take in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “You good?” She asks quietly, and Anya gives a small nod as a reply.

Lexa slowly releases her grasp on her sister’s hand and finishes packing up her things. “I really am sorry Lexa, she wouldn’t do it if it wasn’t because,”

“I’m not mad, I’m okay.” She assures her sister again.

“I just… don’t want you to leave.” Anya says honestly, voice cracking a small bit as Lexa stops stuffing papers back into folders for a moment to meet her sister’s eye line again. That may be the closest Lexa will ever get to an “I need you” and she’s okay with that.

“I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying right here, with you.” She assures her with a firm voice, watching the effect it has on Anya as she nods her head and takes in another deep breath. They finish silently picking things up until everything is back in its place and Lexa can continue walking Anya to class.

“Raven’s not… so bad she just… thinks it’s funny when I get mad. She’s kind of a genius actually.” Anya tells her after a long moment of silence between them, it’s not awkward of course, Lexa just doesn’t like to talk first when Anya is close to a moment like that one, preferring to run the conversation on her pace.

“Is she?” She asks after a moment, a cork of her eyebrow as she glances at her sister.

“Yeah, really smart. Pretty.” Anya’s nose wrinkles as the compliment is mumbled from her lips. It makes Lexa crack a smile as they stop outside of her sister’s classroom.

“Pretty huh?” She teases slightly, watching as Anya’s eyes widen a small fraction before she seems to be back-tracking in her head.

“Not that pretty, like decent you know, sometimes, when she’s not being… annoying. That’s all I meant.” Anya shrugs and purposely keeps her eyes on everything else but Lexa’s own, avoiding her teasing and knowing gaze that Lexa can’t help but wear across her features. After all, this is her sister, and in the handbook that comes with being a sister, she’s got some kind of right to tease her about her crushes.

“Mhm, sure it is.” She says knowingly, her voice picking up with a tone of mischief.

Anya scoffs, shoving at Lexa’s shoulders so she falters back slightly. “Get out of here, I hate you.”

“I love you too.” Lexa lets out a small bubble of laughter as she waves goodbye to her sister and steps away, though she doesn’t exactly leave until she’s watched her cross the threshold into her classroom and take her seat.

She’ll be sure to remember what Anya has said about Raven.

 

***

 

Lexa chewed on the end of her pen as she stared down at the diligently taken notes there. The highlighted ones she’s been through, the scribbled facts she’s found in the textbook and on the internet. Indra is just moving on to a new slide when she feels the eraser hit the back of her chair.

She rolls her eyes because unbeknownst to her, Clarke, Jasper, and Monty think it’s hilarious to see how many they can hit her head with. She averagely doesn’t bother looking at them when it happens, mostly for fear that they’ll hit her in the nose with one because she knows if she looks at them it’s not going to make them stop. She could tell Indra, but she’s not interested in losing the trust of the rest of the class.

Her 102% only gets her so far.

Another one hits the back of her chair again and she grumbles in slight annoyance, glancing only for a moment over her shoulder. Jasper and Monty duck, giggling like they’re in high school and she finds the scowl on her face increase with the irritation clawing up through her veins. Raven’s already knocked her books down twice today and she can’t count the number of times someone has called her baby Woods in the span of two hours.

She really can’t wait for 2 o’clock to come around so that she can get to her private study session with herself, at the table she’s claimed in the library that everyone seems to realize she claimed because it’s never occupied when she goes to it and it’s a relatively good seat.

Clarke is looking at the board but she’s a natural at looking professional. She doesn’t understand how Clarke can go from being so incredibly nice to her, and complimenting her (even though she knows the flirting is mostly to piss Anya off) to throwing erases at the back of her head in one of her favorite classes. It’s actually quite obnoxious, and a little bit frustrating because it conflicts with this image of Clarke she’s managing to conjure up with every passing day. Yesterday’s spontaneous art session has already morphed Clarke into more of a crush worthy edition of herself than she already was the day before, and Lexa can’t lie, she’s been crushing since they met.

The same girl that will ask to draw her while they watch the sunset will also throw erasers at her head in the middle of class with her friends. Maybe this is something that Anya was always talking about, this was just how Clarke was. It just felt hard to believe. After her soft smiles and that beautiful drawing Lexa has tucked into the back pages of her Intro to Arts 101 textbook, she can’t imagine there’s a version of Clarke that could be so… bothersome.

She doesn’t realize she’s staring until Clarke looks up from her supposed diligent note taking and meets her eye line. She smirks, that lovely famous smirk of hers with glinting blue eyes and Lexa’s heart falters for a second. A new feeling she’s not used to, not having identified yet, though it’s been happening since they’ve met. She’s trying hard to keep it at crush and then deny that it’s a crush… but damn sometimes Clarke looks at her and she isn’t sure that crush is ever going to be the right word.

Lexa has always been uselessly gay, so she blames it on the fact that Clarke is just so unbelievably pretty. She’s not blind, and those damn eyes. She feels the scowl come back as she looks away from the blonde’s gaze, down at her own notes that she’s now suddenly behind on. She shakes her head and tries to focus, ignoring the unremitting thump of erasers on the back of her chair.

She can feel Clarke still watching her, can see it in the corner of her eye every time she manages a glance that she can’t resist. It makes everything twist inside of her and she knows this feeling… Anya would not approve of this feeling. So she tries to ignore it and focus on Indra’s class because right now, she’s here for Anya and anything that’s going to upset Anya is not something she needs to be involved in or with… so Clarke is really, really off limits… even if she is prettier than a sunset.

 

***

 

Lexa clicks her pen, once, twice, three times but she doesn’t make a move to write yet. The thoughts in her head need a bit more clearing. She squints at the screen through her glasses she had opted for today instead of contacts. Over half the paper was done, she only needs the last two paragraphs, but they were briefly eluding her. It must be because it was already 7 P.M. and she’s been here since 2 P.M., and all she’s had to eat was breakfast at 6 o’clock in the morning.

“Hey there gorgeous.” Lexa felt herself jump, the voice familiar before she even has to turn to see who it is. She still acts like she wouldn’t be able to recognize that low voice anywhere. It was kind of unique after all, that’s the only reason it was so identifiable. The only reason at all.

“Don’t call me that.” Lexa says a bit colder than she meant. Mostly it’s just because the compliment sends that warmth flushing her face and she knows with barely any make-up it’s more noticeable than ever, the library light enough to make it obvious. Maybe even detail it.

Plus, she can still hear each eraser hitting the back of her chair. “Don’t… call you gorgeous?” Clarke snorts and sits down in the chair next to Lexa, without an invitation.

Lexa just looks at her a moment. “Um, can I help you?” She asks, again she sounds colder than she means. It’s not because of the feud, or the abundance of erasers she’s accumulated over the term… it’s mostly because she’s actually really hungry, but perhaps the less Clarke knows about her attitude the better. She’s meant to be staying away from her anyways. It would just be better that way from what Anya says.

“Ouch, I thought we had a small connection Woods. You know, you could be like my double agent.” Clarke smiles charmingly, the same smile that must set everyone into a gooey mess with how much she uses it. Lexa would never admit that it does affect her. Only a small bit though, nothing more of course.

As long as Anya doesn’t find that out she should be safe with the admission, as long as it stays in her own head. “You realize Anya is my sister, right?” She corks an eyebrow upward, pushing her glasses up so that she’s looking through them properly.

Clarke is still smiling, watching the rim of her glasses and then examining other various features on her face before meeting her eyes again. Lexa hopes she isn’t blushing, Clarke always looks at her like she’s a painting herself. “Right, though I still don’t see the resemblance.” Her smirk widens.

Lexa only rolls her eyes, glancing away and back at the document still open on her laptop. “We were both adopted so.”

“Oh shit, no way? Clarke chuckles. “I’m just kidding, I know that already. Well I know she’s adopted, but I’m sure there’s plenty I don’t know about you?” Clarke tilts her to the right, propping her elbow on the table and resting her head in the palm of her hand, eyelashes fluttering in her direction.

Her eyes are a certain… kind of stunning blue that Lexa has never really seen before on any other living human being. Not that she likes that or anything. “Did I ask, somewhere, for you to be here, distracting me?” She’s surprised she’s managing to sound so uninterested in having Clarke here, when she can feel the flutter of her heart beat and the slight piqued interest she always has whenever Clarke so much as glances at her across a busy room.

“Awe come on baby Woods, you think I’m pretty.” Clarke sure is charming, and maybe Lexa can tolerate that nickname when such a husky voice like Clarke’s is wrapping around it, but she still doesn’t like it.

“I’m not a baby, Anya is a year older than me.” She snaps with annoyance, after all, it’s been used far too many times today and Raven’s knocked her books down twice and that wink she does whenever Anya is there to witness is a little annoying.

“Ah, excuse me. I can perfectly tell you aren’t a baby.” Clarke winks and sits up more confidently. “You want to get a coffee with me maybe?” For some reason, the way Clarke asks it has Lexa’s heart racing before she can tell it that she’s not allowed to be interested. She has no idea why she’s acting like this, like she hasn’t seen a pretty girl before, like she doesn’t in fact live with a pretty girl.

Finding Clarke so pretty is like a direct insult to Anya, so she must stay away. That’s just the sisterly thing to do… right? “Not really.”

Clarke studies her a minute, as if she can read every contour of Lexa’s mind. As if Lexa really is only a drawing in her leather cladded notebook she had brought with her up on that hill yesterday. “Hmm, it’s Anya isn’t it?” Clarke asks after a beat of silence.

Lexa only frowns. “Or I’m just not into you.” She offers instead, even though she feels like Clarke can see the beat of her heart as she tips her chair closer.

Clarke scoffs, placing a hand to her heart. “Ouch, that’s not what I wanted a coffee for anyway Ms. 102%”

Lexa frowns, maybe slightly disappointed though she won’t allow that admission to ever leave her head. Anya would really kill her. She’s already not going to be happy about Clarke talking to her anyways. It’ll go as well as every other time Anya has been there to witness Clarke smirking and fluttering eyelashes at her. “I don’t do tests for people. I’ve been asked that three times since I transferred here and,”

“Oh gorgeous no.” Clarke lets out a laugh.

Lexa frowns further and focuses entirely too much on the document still open as the blush surfaces on her face with the endearment. “Stop calling me things like that, I’m not your girlfriend.” She snaps, a little annoyed at herself for not holding it together in front of a pretty girl.

Clarke chuckles. “Okay, sorry, is Lexa okay?”

The brunette rolls her eyes. “That is my name.”

“Okay Lexa, I wanted to ask for your help? I’m not exactly failing but… I’m averaging a C and that’s… not my favorite thing.” Clarke takes the corner of her bottom lip between her teeth as she seems to study Lexa closely. She looks nervous, but Lexa couldn’t pinpoint why. To be honest, she’s never met anyone that could look so god damn pretty while being so nervous. Soft make up that makes the blue in her eyes pop out, long blonde hair, loose around her face, making Lexa’s fingers itch to touch the strands and see if they’re really as soft as they look.

It’s all a little too much. “So what do you need my help for?” Her voice is a little less annoyed as she watches the furrow of Clarke’s eyebrows dissipate with her question.

“Tutor me?” She asks with a higher voice than before.

“Tutor you?” Lexa sounds unconvinced, scoffing slightly and turning back to her laptop. She doubts Clarke wants or needs a tutor. She may party like Anya says, she may hook-up with whoever she wants, she may be popular and loud but she’s not dumb, nor is she probably capable of failing unless she was having a really bad few weeks.

Lexa’s only known her for about two weeks, but Lexa’s seen her notes. She’s too observant, too diligent, understanding all the material to not be getting it. “I’d pay you?”

Lexa frowns, glancing at Clarke, her bottom lip back between her teeth and Lexa loses her train of thought as she stares at it. “I don’t tutor.” She eventually says, thinking her voice is betraying her a bit so she looks away to gain some composure.

“Come on Lexa, you have a 102%, Indra does nothing but brag about you and in an insufferable way she’s right about your brain. You’re kind of a genius and I really need your help.” Clarke is begging now and maybe that’s what does it… maybe because Clarke really wouldn’t beg anyone if she didn’t actually really need the help.

And well… Lexa kind of likes her so she sits back, studies her, and pretends to contemplate it. “You really need a tutor?”

“Yes.” Clarke says quickly, voice lower again and a hopeful look glinting through gorgeous blue eyes.

“This isn’t… a game?” Lexa asks cautiously because as pretty and gorgeous and easily she’d be willing to tutor Clarke, the last thing she’s interested in is being some pawn to get to Anya. She’s really not interested in this feud and Anya comes first. That’s why she’s here, to help her, protect her, be here for her. She’s not about to do something that could hurt her.

“A game?” Clarke looks at her incredulously. “What lies has Anya been feeding you?”

Lexa frowns yet again. “She said you get around.” She hints lightly, tapping her fingers along her knees before she’s pushing her glass back up on her face again.

“Wow, she called me a slut, _bitch_.” Clarke blurts and crosses her arms along her chest.

Lexa would be defending Anya if Clarke didn’t look so agitated at the accusation and the last thing Lexa wants is for the blonde to get upset enough to cause a bigger war between the pair. “I mean, getting around doesn’t make you a slut just means you… like to date.” Clarke’s eyes pick up to meet Lexa’s and for a second Lexa forgets that Clarke is someone she’s supposed to be staying clear of. She’s got the most stunning eyes, Lexa is more intrigued by them than she should be.

“Anya’s one to talk anyway.” Clarke sighs. “So, what do you say? Name a price and,” Clarke shrugs. “I’ll pay it.”

Lexa bites her bottom lip and studies Clarke’s face. “Actually…” Lexa abandons her computer completely now, shutting the lid of her laptop with a knew thought, a new idea, a new course of action she probably really shouldn’t be taking… Anya is going to kill her, it’s without a doubt an inevitable possibility. “You think maybe… you could help me with something else in return?” She asks curiously, adjusting her glasses again more out of habit and nerves than because they’ve fallen down her face.

Clarke watches her do it and it makes her feel slightly self-conscious. “Sure, so not money than?” The blonde asks with a quirk of her eyebrow.

Lexa shakes her head, letting her hands and fingertips fiddle together as the nerves begin to swallow her up. She really shouldn’t be doing this. She needs to back out now before she says it. “No. Um… you date a lot, right? Or hook up or whatever, point is you get girls”

“And boys.” Clarke is smirking again. Eyes a lit with curiosity.

Who is Lexa kidding? She’s doing this. “Okay, point is you must be… I don’t know experienced?”

“What are you asking for Lexa?” Clarke looks amused, eyes twinkling as she studies Lexa inquisitively. She seems only all the more curious as the blush surfaces and takes over Lexa’s face again before she can even bother to take any precautions to prevent it. Not that, that’s ever worked in the past.

“Can you help me get a girl?” She asks with her voice dropping a little lower, getting quiet as she looks down at her lap.

Clarke chuckles. “I doubt you need help in that department.”

“No seriously.” Lexa’s head whips up, a glare surfacing across her face and Clarke’s smile dissipates.

“I mean… I could help? I don’t really know how to teach that kind of thing though.” Clarke’s lip is between her teeth again, a small shrug of her shoulders an indication that she can’t promise results.

“I just need to learn how you do it?” Lexa asks a bit unsure.

Why is she doing this? “I mean, it’s kind of natural. And with those eyes and that smile you do, really it shouldn’t take much.” Clarke is smirking at her again, she’s got curiosity and delight in her gaze that makes her eyes twinkle attractively and Lexa has to force herself to not stare, repeating some kind of mantra in her head that Clarke is off limits.

“It’s the talking part.” She admits shyly.

She’s blushing again, and she hates that she can’t control it. “So you know you’re pretty hot than.” Lexa rolls her eyes as Clarke’s smile appears wider. “Well, okay, I can help you. I’ve only been a love doctor once though, but that ended happy, so I have a good record.” Clarke seems to assure her, like Lexa isn’t the one that offered it up in the first place.

“Who?” She asks pryingly, even though she doubts she’ll know them.

“Hmm, how aware are you of the other members of my group Lexa?”

“Raven I think is trying to kill me.”

Clarke laughs but Lexa doesn’t because she’s genuinely serious about that accusation. “Well, what’s the girl’s name? Is she in Anya’s group?”

“Um, she can be seen hanging in her territory sometimes.” Lexa bites her bottom lip as she thinks about it a moment. “Oh, and this… this is a secret, if Anya asks, the only reason we talk to each other is so you can flirt and flick more erasers at me.”

“I don’t do that.” Clarke says quickly as if to defend her honor as a person.

Lexa looks at her with a skeptical stare. “I have ten just from yesterday.”

“Well it’s not me, I threw one to try and get your attention that first week and Jasper thought I was throwing them at you on purpose, just to annoy you. I’ve tried to get him to stop.” Clarke looks a bit sheepish and Lexa thinks she might believe her.

“It’s annoying but not the point.” Clarke lets out a soft sigh. “This arrangement stays between us and this library.” She emphasizes her point with her hands, waving vaguely at the surrounding area.

“Alright captain.” Clarke salutes and Lexa rolls her eyes. “It’s better that way actually, as the leader of my so-called clan, I can’t be seen hanging out with you either.” Clarke winks at her. “Unless you’d like to get a coffee for more intimate reasons, I can make a good excuse.” She grins widely because she can no doubt see the way Lexa blushes.

“No.” She answers flatly.

“Well, give me your number and we’ll discuss the details later tonight, you like phone calls or text messages better?” Lexa goes to answer but Clarke shakes her head. “I’ll text, you seem like a texter.” She winks at Lexa again and hops up from the chair she had been sitting in after Lexa’s passed her a paper with her number on it, strutting out of the library to leave Lexa watching her leave. She wonders if Clarke sways her hips that way on purpose, not that she was watching, of course.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I'm so completely sorry this took forever to get out. But it is here now and I promise next chapter will be out waaaay sooner.
> 
> Also thank you guys so much to those who commented. I didn't respond to any but I read them all. I always do. So thank you so much and I really hope you enjoy this chapter and I promise I will respond to comments this time. :)

Lexa tangles her hair up, scooping up curly strands in her hand and winding a band around it, adjusting it carefully. “I’ve been meaning to ask, why on earth is getting up at five in the morning something you want to do? To work out no less?” Costia’s voice is scratchy with sleep and if Lexa were looking at her she’d be able to see the look of pure horror on her roommate’s face at this decision.

Lexa snorts and turns from the mirror to look at Costia who was too light of a sleeper for her own good. Her hair scraggly and drowsiness still in her eyes. “I had a system back home, I kind of lost track of it.” She shrugs nonchalantly as she ties her shoes.

“Okay psycho, I mean, I guess it explains your body. I was wondering how it looked so good.” Costia grumbles and turns toward her wall, pulling her blanket back up to her neck. “Turn your lamp off before you go.” Her voice muffled into the pillow.

She’s never been so glad for the dim light and Costia not looking at her. It’s too early to be teased about her blushing habits. “See you later.” She offers as she switches off the light and pulls the dorm room door open, exiting once she hears Costia’s tired grunt in goodbye.

The hall has a few dawdlers, but Lexa doesn’t notice as she makes her way out of the building to begin her jog, a path she mapped out last week in her head. She takes the turns and enjoys the quiet of the morning, the whip of the wind in her ears and the casual increase of her heart rate. She’s always enjoyed this, especially very early in the morning just as the sun is beginning to rise. There’s hardly any people out and about and the world feels quiet. It’s a kind of peaceful Lexa can never achieve any other way.

She doesn’t know at exactly what time in the planned out run that she veers off across campus. She doesn’t know at what time she had stopped jogging to climb the hill and she really doesn’t know at what time she finally got to the top and was now staring at the back of a blonde head, hunched over a book or maybe a sketchpad, Lexa isn’t sure. From here she can’t exactly see it.

She wanted to say something, anything. Even a simple hello, but again she felt shy and a little bit nervous and kind of stupid, after all, she didn’t exactly know why she came this way in the first place. She sighed to herself and was just turning to leave since she couldn’t figure out a good opening line when Clarke twisted her body to look behind her. She smiled instantly, and Lexa’s heart stuttered for a second. “Good morning,” She told her brightly. “You always sneak up on people?” She teases, that signature smirk in place and the blue in her eyes is too blue for Lexa to properly think before 6 A.M.

Lexa blushes and rubs the back of her neck awkwardly. “I was just running.” She mumbles, voice too quiet she’s almost sure Clarke doesn’t hear her.

But the blonde seems to, only turning back around and hunching over her book again. “You can sit if you want?” She calls, and Lexa bites her bottom lip briefly contemplating it before taking a seat next to her, conscious that she’s sweating so she makes sure there’s a bit of space between them.

“What are you drawing?” Lexa mumbles, pulling her knees to her chest so that she’s almost sitting in the same position as the day before.

“The sky, do you always get up before the sun to run?” Clarke’s focus is fully on the pad in her lap, the furrow of her brows as she draws is always quite interesting to Lexa, like her mind is working overtime and she can’t possibly imagine drawing the sky can really cause such a mental dilemma, but Clarke always looks at her notebook like it’ll explode if she doesn’t draw every line exactly right.

She wonders why, if it’s only a quirk that all artists have in their own way, or if it’s yet another form of Clarke’s personality reaching out and scraping the surface so Lexa can see her. “I used too.” Lexa mumbles. “Do you always get up before the sun to draw?”

Clarke stops for a moment, again like she’s thinking too hard, but it lasts only a moment before she’s shrugging her shoulders and is back to drawing. “Something like that.” Her voice is quieter when she says it, like there’s more to it than just the simple movement of her pencil against paper to copy the image unfolding in front of her.

If Lexa were braver, she’d ask Clarke what she means by “something like that”. Instead, she deflects. “You um, didn’t text me.” She hates the way her voice can only seem to rise a little above a whisper. She really hates the way the words sound when they leave her mouth, like she’s desperate for Clarke to talk to her.

But Clarke doesn’t seem to realize the way it sounds, or maybe she just pretends she doesn’t for Lexa’s sake. “I was going to this morning, I didn’t think you’d be up at five thirty.” Clarke smiles over at her, glancing just briefly and the rising sunlight in the sky brushes across her features perfectly so her eyes look just as blue as the day before as the sun had been setting.

“We could talk about it now?” Lexa asks shyly, and Clarke’s pencil stops as she takes her gaze from her drawing to fully look at Lexa now. Lexa looks away so as to avoid the way her heart races when their eyes meet.

“Okay, what day is good for you during the week, for the tutoring?”

“Um, Thursday, in the evening?” She grabs a leaf off the dried ground, dead and already withering. She slowly pulls it apart, it crumbles in her palm.

From the corner of her eye she can see Clarke’s normal wide smirk, that pencil behind her left ear again as she shuts her notebook. “I can do Thursday.” Clarke is watching her carefully now and as the silence suddenly carries Lexa wishes she knew what to say to break it.

She just felt like she was awkward, and she didn’t want Clarke to think she was awkward. “Are you still…” Lexa takes a small breath. “Do you still plan on helping me?”

Clarke’s smirk widens, eyes lighting up with pure amusement. If Lexa knew her better perhaps she’d understand the look, but now she can only assume that perhaps it’s either apart of Clarke’s façade or Lexa just genuinely interests her. “Helping you get a girl? Of course, that was the deal though I stand by what I’ve said before. Lexa, I really don’t think you need it.” The blonde shrugs and Lexa hides behind her hair to avoid the blush being noticeable.

“You don’t know me that well.”

“Hmm,” Clarke tilts her head to the right and again Lexa has turned her head without having noticed it to stare at her. “I suppose that’s true, but I hope that changes.”

Lexa’s heart picks up a beat even though she’s trying to tell it to stop. “Yeah?”

Clarke chuckles. “Yes, I mean tutoring would be kind of awkward if you don’t like me and I’m trying to help you get laid, so we should probably be friends.” The blonde shrugs and drops her gaze down at her notebook though the pencil remains behind her left ear. It’s almost as if she’s drawing even when she’s not drawing.

Lexa scoffs, “I didn’t say anything about laid.”

Clarke waves her hand. “Get laid, hook up, go on date whatever, point is I’m helping you.” The blonde smirks widely at her as she again removes her gaze from the notebook in her lap so that their eyes can meet.

Lexa wonders what it is about Clarke that makes her heart do funny things. “Do we need… um like a set day for that too?” She picks up another dried leaf and tries to focus on it as it crumbles but finds that it’s too hard to keep her stare from meeting Clarke’s. She doesn’t exactly know what that’s about either.

“Oh no, no we’ll just talk, and I’ll give you tips and maybe we can go out together some time and I’ll show you some stuff?” Clarke’s still grinning, and Lexa thinks that if she could draw people like Clarke can she’d draw Clarke in this moment.

“Out?” She asks feeling a little perplexed at the concept of actually leaving campus with Clarke, at Clarke showing her how to flirt? How would that work?

Lexa blushes at the thought. “Yes, like test runs and examples? I don’t know that’s what I did with Octavia.” The blonde shrugs and picks at the spiral of her notebook, something she must have done a few times throughout the year with how bended and out of shape it already is.

“That’s who you love doctored?” Lexa thinks the question sounds weird as it leaves her tongue, but she tries not to shy away from it.

Clarke giggles. “Yes, she’s pretty happy. They’ve been together a year.”

“Oh,” Lexa mumbles a bit impressed with that. She doesn’t exactly have long term goals or anything, she just… needs some help socially and Clarke’s very popular and with what Anya says she’s good at this kind of thing so. And maybe Lexa just wants to get to know her a little better, to understand her, to strip away the reputations and labels and see her for just her? Whoever that might be. She bites her bottom lip and looks out at the view, getting distracted for a moment by the colors and the light that slowly descends upon campus.

“Can I…” Clarke seems to almost nervously run her fingers through the side of her hair, pushing the locks back behind her ear. Lexa isn’t sure if it is nervousness or not, she doesn’t know Clarke well enough to identify it. From what she’s seen so far Clarke is rarely nervous, maybe she doesn’t even have the actual capability of being nervous. Lexa doesn’t know… she would kind of like to know. “draw you again?”

Lexa’s so tired of blushing but it’s relentless nonetheless, spreading up her neck and flushing her face before she can stop it. She pulls her hair down from where she had it wound up and fluffs it out to try and hide her face. “I should be running.”

“Okay.” Clarke nods and looks out at the view too.

“Maybe… tonight?” She offers up a little more confidently than she’s expecting, which seems to surprise the blonde a bit.

Clarke looks at her again and she meets her gaze, she’s probably still blushing, can sort of feel it, knows she must be with Clarke’s eyes straying along the features of her face temporarily before meeting her own green eyes again. “At sunset than?” Clarke’s smile is genuine and soft.

Her gaze is softer… Lexa thinks she’s too incredibly gay for this. “Yes, at sunset.”

 

***

 

Lexa runs back with little understanding of who Clarke actually is. She’s quite a mystery, so much so that it almost makes Lexa physically laugh out loud when she remembers Clarke telling her that she was the mysterious one the day before. There’s just something about Clarke. She’s very hard to read.

Lexa hopes that’s not just a façade like Anya says.

It’s near 6:15 when she finally makes it back to her dorm room and Costia is up and bright eyed by that point. Her hair styled and her make-up on point as usual. “Hey hot stuff, you want to go down to that place across the street for breakfast instead of hitting up the cafeteria?” Costia greets her with a warm smile and Lexa corks an eyebrow at her.

“You have time for that, I thought your class is at 6:45?” She grabs a water bottle out of the mini fridge set up on the left side of her desk by the door and starts to guzzle it, watching Costia watch her for a moment, an unreadable expression on her face.

Costia looks away from her briefly. “It… is.” She seems to say like she hadn’t realized her own schedule.

It’s curious but Lexa doesn’t really contemplate it. “I have to shower, maybe we can meet up and go down there after your class?” She offers instead, screwing the lid back on the over half empty water bottle and placing it on the desk.

Costia seems to think it over a minute. “But you’ve got Kane at,”

“There’s time.” Lexa smiles at her sweetly and watches Costia’s eyes as they examine her for a brief moment. She looks one hundred percent ready for the entire day, no trace of exhaustion that she had indicated at when Lexa had left for her run can be seen and Lexa wonders how she managed to wake up so fast.

“Alright, sounds good to me.” Costia shrugs and turns around to pull her backpack from the corner of her bed and grab a pencil from her nightstand.

“Have a good class.” Lexa offers sweetly and can’t help but smile as Costia seems to offer her one as she heads for the door, walking past her.

“Thanks Lexa, you too.” She strays for a minute, a genuine and friendly smile on her face. She really is very pretty, Lexa thinks maybe she’s lucky to have a roommate that’s so nice to her and so comfortable with Anya already.

The brunette lets out a long heavy sigh once she’s gone, dropping on her bed and staring at her ceiling while she thinks of the hill and Clarke’s eyes in the sunlight and what the hell is always going through her head and why does she have to be so damn curious about it? Is it because Clarke is so pretty? Or is it because she’s Anya’s nemesis and it’s a natural protectiveness that sisters get?

Protective is a weird word for this situation, protect Anya from Clarke? That sounds weird to her… it’s still hard to imagine Clarke as someone who would be mean for the intention of hurting someone else. Then again Clarke’s reputation, or at least what she’s been told by others (though they’re not exactly friends of hers, so is what they’ve told her even unbiased truth?) is another interesting and intriguing turn to her.

Does Clarke care about people? Or does Clarke give a shit about nothing but herself?

Really Lexa doubts the answer is so one dimensional as Clarke has many motives for the way that she is and the way that she acts the same way that Anya or Lincoln or even she does as well. A person is not just one façade they are multiple and though Lexa is probably wrong to be so damn inquisitive she’s adamant to figure out all of Clarke’s.

If not for any other reason, for the soul purpose to know her sister’s enemies, as she’s here to keep her calm and sane and figuring out how to make her experience at this university more peaceful is one way to do that. Clarke is a direct disruption of that peace whether she’s meant to be or not and Lexa would like to find some way to solve that.

She huffs out that last thought and pulls herself from her bed to make her way to the shower, moving mechanically through the motions and trying hard to not think about tonight, and the sunset and being captivating enough to draw? But it’s something else… Clarke wants to draw her because of something and it has nothing to do with captivating, Lexa’s almost sure of it.

It’s really just her luck that her sister’s enemy would be so beautiful and so talented. She shuffles through the rest of her morning routine deep in thought until the vibration of her phone alerts her from across the room, just as she’s tossing her used towel in her hamper. She crosses the space and picks it up, unlocking it to look at the message from the unknown number.

**1-213-203-0313 (** _6:53 A.M._ **):** how about around 5 on Thursdays?

**Lexa (** _6:55 A.M._ **):** that sounds good to me

**Clarke (** _6:55 A.M._ **):** Good, see you then Lexa :)

Lexa stared at it for an unreasonable amount of time. She knows she does. It’s probably absurd, if anyone knew that she spent this amount of time smiling and looking down at her phone just because Clarke Griffin texted her, not only would Anya’s head explode but she’d get made fun of for eternity.

And yet… she’s still doing this.

 

***

 

“We should really check out that club across town.” Luna says as Anya pulls the door open to the restaurant across the street from the University.

Lexa’s thinking by Costia’s expression that maybe she should have avoided mentioning it earlier after running into Anya and Luna. Maybe she hadn’t wanted them to come. “No, I hear it sucks.” Anya mumbles in reply.

Lexa pushes her fingertips through the side of Anya’s hair, brushing strands back behind her ear and watching the calming effect it has on her. “Oh, look it’s Clarkey, all alone!” Niylah taunts from across the small space as they stand to await a seat. The blonde doesn’t look up, flipping through a text book and biting into a sandwich on her plate.

Lexa tried her best not to look at her, and to somehow block Anya’s vision of her because Anya had been a little on edge today and though Clarke seemed to be minding her own business, it was just her existence that could set Anya easily off. “Where are your friends Clarkey, did they leave you?”

Lexa rolls her eyes. “What do you want, I’ll pay for it.” She smiles kindly at Anya and watches her sister contemplate participating or not. It must be Lexa standing next to her, Lexa’s fingers still running through the side of her hair, Lexa smiling sweetly at her that keeps her in such a calm mindset. “Let’s just get a burger.” Anya finally mutters after moments of contemplations.

“You got it.” She responds softly, keeping up the movements in her hair and trying her best to keep Anya distracted and relaxed. It mostly seems to be working.

“How much would you pay me to accidentally spill something on her?” Echo asks from beside Niylah behind both Lexa and Anya. She grits her teeth; the whole thing is ridiculous.

“Please, why do I have to pay you? Just do it.” Niylah snickers.

Lexa knows that her movements through her sister’s hair won’t be enough if their friends keep going, she needs to nip this in the butt before it continues. “Can we please just eat?” Lexa pipes in, uninterested in the drama beginning to brew.

Anya seems to sense her mood. “Leave Griffin alone, we have better things to do.”

She shrugs but Luna looks surprised at her. “Anya,”

“What? I said leave her alone.” Her voice is sharp, but her expression is more relaxed and Lexa knows it’s because she’s next to her.

“Fine.” The pair grunts behind them in disappointment, looking at Clarke’s figure almost longingly as if they can’t tolerate not being somewhat petty for twenty-five minutes.

It’s a little dramatic and below Lexa’s interest bar but her sister seems to be in a less agitated mood and that’s where her focus lies. If her eyes happen to stray to Clarke every few minutes it has nothing to do with the fact that her hair is up in a messy bun and has straggling strands of blonde around her face and for some reason that’s really, really quite thought-provoking to her.

“How many?” The hostess asks once she returns to her podium.

“Six,” Costia says like she dreads the number and glances at Lexa, but Lexa isn’t exactly paying attention. When she’s not stealing glances in Clarke’s direction she’s mainly focused on her sister as if she can see her mood shifting like different colors.

“Follow me.” The woman is all kind smiles and bright eyes as she grabs six menus and heads toward the same direction that Clarke is sat in. Lexa hopes for not only Anya’s sake but the blonde’s (since Anya’s friends seem to be on the antagonistic side today) that they are seated faraway.

She pretends she and Clarke’s eyes don’t meet for that half a second that it takes as they pass her table, she pretends Clarke’s smirk doesn’t appear and make her heart skip its own beat like she’s never experienced a nice smile shot in her direction before. She pretends she’s not blushing even as she feels the heat rush across her face and even as Clarke noticeably examines it before they’re completely past her.

She pretends she can’t feel Clarke’s eyes on her back, but she can, and she wonders if to anyone else that it’s obvious, that it’s obvious that Clarke is so beautiful that Lexa’s eyes stray to her or that it’s obvious that she can’t help thinking about her even as she’s shoved in a booth and pressed between her sister and her roommate.

She wonders if Clarke has any of these kinds of problems? From what people say, no… no she doesn’t.

Lexa hopes that’s not true.

They hostess tells them the name of their waiter and disappears from the table, kind smile still in place. When she’s gone Lexa, flips open her menu and listens to the chatter of her friends as they try to decide what to eat. She searches out the burger section to check the prices though she gets distracted by a picture of a dish that looks particularly good when her phone vibrates in the front pocket of her jeans.

She frowns for a second, still looking at the contents on the page in front of her as she’s pulling out her cellphone. She pretends she doesn’t feel her heart stutter at Clarke’s name lighting up on her screen.

She unlocks it too quickly to seem casual but makes sure neither Costia or Anya can see her phone.

**Clarke (** _12:32 P.M._ **):** baby woods needs practice

**Lexa (** _12:33 P.M._ **):** if you call me that again we will never be friends

**Clarke (** _12:33 P.M._ **):** phew sassy, now that’s more like it if you’re going to make it Anya’s posy.

**Lexa (** _12:33 P.M._ **):** I’m terrible at group things

It’s no lie. She’s always been good at taking care of people but when it comes to fitting in, or more like following people she’s always been quite bad at that. Her mother always said it was because she was more of a leader, Anya seemed to think it was because she was shy. Lexa figured out that it mostly was just because she was never that interested in everything that others seemed to be interested in.

**Clarke (** _12:34 P.M._ **):** Is it even possible for you to be mean to somebody Lexa?

**Lexa (** _12:34 P.M._ **):** yes

**Lexa (** _12:34 P.M._ **):** sometimes

**Lexa (** _12:34 P.M._ **):** maybe

**Lexa (** _12:35 P.M._ **):** no

She can hear Clarke laugh from two table’s away even though she can’t see her and her heart skips on its own accord. It definitely doesn’t skip because Clarke’s laugh is raspy and beautiful, most certainly not.

**Clarke (** _12:35 P.M._ **):** I’m sure you could be mean if you were defending somebody

**Clarke (** _12:35 P.M._ **):** otherwise you’re too sweet.

**Lexa (** _12:36 P.M._ **):** Ur underestimating me, I could be mean to you.

**Clarke (** _12:37 P.M._ **):** oh I’m sure

**Lexa (** _12:38 P.M._ **):** give me time to think about it

**Clarke (** _12:39 P.M._ **):** cute, but not how this works Lexa

**Lexa (** _12:40 P.M._ **):** Aren’t art students supposed to smell like paint?

**Clarke (** _12:41 P.M._ **):** Is this ur attempt?

**Lexa (** _12:41 P.M._ **):** Becuz u smell nothing like paint

**Clarke (** _12:42 P.M._ **):** Ouch Lexa, you got me, that really hurt, how cruel.

**Lexa (** _12:43 P.M._ **):** I think I’m starting to dislike you as much as Anya does

**Clarke (** _12:44 P.M._ **):** U r not, face it Lexa, I’m charming. You like me.

“Who are you texting Lex?” Costia cuts into her daze, head tipping as if she’s trying to see but Lexa locks her screen just in case.

“Oh, just someone from Indra’s class. They need help studying.” She shrugs it off, like it’s no big deal and goes back to looking at the menu in front of her down on the table.

Anya had been distracted in a discussion with Niylah across the way about something to do with Kane’s boring tone when he talks but she seems to drift off from that when she catches Lexa’s response. “Well you can’t tonight, remember, Harry Potter marathon?”

Costia tips her head forward so she can see Anya. “Is that what we’re watching?” Her tone seems to hold some disinterest.

Lexa glances at her, “you don’t like Harry Potter?”

“I just thought we could watch like Buffy or something,”

“We’ve seen Buffy ten billion times.”

Lexa chuckles a bit. “Why don’t we go see something instead, something we haven’t seen before?” She offers as Anya and Costia both look at her.

“But you’re the one that wanted to watch Harry Potter?” Anya says higher pitched and Lexa knows just by glancing at her that really, it’s her that wants to watch it the most.

“But Costia doesn’t?”

Costia is quick to interject after that. “We can watch it if you want to watch it Lexa.”

“Well, okay.” Lexa shrugs and looks back down at her menu, filtering through the options before she focuses back on the phone in her lap.

**Lexa (** _12:55 P.M._ **):** That’s yet to be decided ;)

 

***

 

 “Hey Lexa, how was lunch?” Clarke is smiling down at her in front of her desk and it takes the brunette a second to realize that she’s even talking to her or that its taking her an unusual amount of time to respond.

She blushes because what else can she do? “Fine, yours?”

“Quiet, I didn’t realize today was Thursday? Did you want to jump onto that studying tonight or start next week?” Clarke’s smirk is as it always is, pretty and stapled there holding together her normal image.

Lexa’s eyes only glance briefly at the freckle above her upper lip before she’s meeting Clarke’s gaze, hoping she hadn’t noticed. “Oh, uh,” Lexa licks at her lower lip in thought and pretends she doesn’t notice the way Clarke’s eyes dip lower to watch the action. She wonders if Clarke’s mind thinks in pencil because sometimes when she sees something her left hand twitches like it’s looking for a paper to trace it on. “Did you want to do tonight?” She wishes her voice was louder as she said it.

Clarke still looks at her with her usual smirk in place, though her eyes keep tracing different areas of Lexa’s face and her hand twitches every few moments. Lexa wonders if Clarke finds her as fascinating as she finds Clarke or if it all means something else entirely. “I’d love to tonight, I don’t have plans, do you?”

“Oh…” Lexa thinks about the planned movie night with Costia and Anya she had been invited to in her sister’s dorm room. “No, I don’t.” She doesn’t know why she says it, like spending time with Clarke is suddenly a pull and Lexa (though she’s aware of how gay she is) will still blame it on the intrigue.

“Great, still five than?” Clarke’s smirk has turned into a hopeful smile. It’s different from her usual smirk but Lexa tries not to be noticeable about studying it.

“Yeah.” She manages to say evenly.

“Alright, see you than Lexa.” Clarke smiles wide and genuine, or at least it feels genuine, Lexa’s still trying to learn her smiles.

The conversation seems to end there and though Lexa begs herself to think of something to say, she can’t manage it and Clarke is walking up the steps in the room to her normal seat behind her before she does. It’s not a big loss, if anything it’s a good thing as Lexa is already breaking her own rules at staying away from her and if Anya knew who she was about to ditch their movie night for her head would actually explode.

It’s about ten minutes into class when the phone in her pocket vibrates. Normally she’d have it on silent, maybe even stuffed in her bag, because school had always been a big focus for her. But since she’s gotten here, her focus and priorities have been mostly revolved around Anya and because of that she keeps her phone on her and at least on vibrate, just in case Anya every really, really needs her.

It’s not Anya though.

**Clarke (** _1:32 P.M._ **):** Have you decided if I’m charming enough to like yet?

Lexa frowns for a second as she types her reply.

**Lexa (** _1:33 P.M._ **):** you can’t be that desperate for friends?

**Clarke (** _1:34 P.M._ **):** Who said anything about desperate. I’m just as shocked as you about this, I mean ur a Woods… that name is my sworn nemesis.

**Lexa (** _1:36 P.M._ **):** That sort of makes you sound like a fifth grader.

**Clarke (** _1:36 P.M._ **):** A fifth grader that you like tho?

**Lexa (** _1:37 P.M._ **):** Our friendship depends on the answer to this next question.

**Clarke (** _1:37 P.M._ **):** wow, pressure already, our relationship only just started.

**Lexa (** _1:38 P.M._ **):** Shut up, Hogwarts house?

**Clarke (** _1:39 P.M._ **):** Guess

**Lexa (** _1:40 P.M._ **):** Do I look like the sorting hat to you?

**Clarke (** _1:41 P.M._ **):** Well, I mean, you do sort of get this look like ur trying to decide where everyone goes all the time

**Lexa (** _1:41 P.M._ **):** the fate of our future is now on your shoulders, bare the weight.

**Clarke (** _1:42 P.M._ **):** Poetic, I’m a Gryffindor, wbu?

**Lexa (** _1:43 P.M._ **):** Slytherin.

**Clarke (** _1:44 P.M_. **):** And who said all Slytherin’s were evil

**Clarke (** _1:44 P.M._ **):** …

**Clarke (** _1:45 P.M._ **):** Ironic don’t you think?

**Lexa (** _1:46 P.M._ **):** what is?

**Clarke (** _1:46 P.M._ **):** Ur sister and ur friends hate me and my friends and yet here we are trying to be friends and we just happen to be in Hogwarts houses that clearly directly oppose each other.

**Lexa (** _1:47 P.M._ **):** Not ironic, only accurate

**Clarke (** _1:48 P.M._ **):** So what house would I have had to say for this friendship to be even more impossible than it’s appearing now?

**Lexa (** _1:49 P.M._ **):** Hufflepuff

**Clarke (** _1:50 P.M._ **):** Hufflepuff hate, I thought you were better than that Woods

**Lexa (** _1:51 P.M._ **):** Well, we can’t all be mature 100% of the time.

If anyone were to ask Lexa would deny that she spent most of the class texting Clarke rather than paying attention.

 

***

 

“So, I was thinking.” Clarke clicked her pen a few times against the paper of her notebook. “If I’m going to properly help you, even though you one hundred percent don’t need it, I should know some things about this girl? Everyone’s different, sure you can spill a few lines but if you’re genuinely interested you’ve got a long-term focus, right? You need more than just a few lines. You need to impress her.” Lexa wonders if Clarke is aware that her hands move when she talks too much.

She furrows her brows, glancing up from the notes she had been distracted on taking before Clarke’s mind veered off on a different subject. “What do you mean?”

Clarke looks at her for a second. “Well if you don’t want to tell me who it is, give me something to work with? What does she look like, what does she smell like? What’s her interests, has she shown any interest in you?” For a second Lexa is sure her head is visibly spinning. She hadn’t expected the topic to come up so soon and for some reason she hadn’t at all prepared for these questions. She had no idea what she was supposed to say here, what the right answers were.

Lexa bites her bottom lip and hides behind her hair, scribbling a few words into her notebook to finish the thought she had, had before Clarke’s own thoughts had swerved off topic. “She’s…” She takes in a breath, trying to think of the best way to phrase all her answers to Clarke’s many questions.

Clarke seems to cut her some kind of break. Not a big one though. “Okay, let’s start with something simple? When did you meet her?”

Lexa licks her lower lip in thought, even though this answer doesn’t take that much. “Um, my first day here.” She says simply.

“Okay, did she express interest in you that first day?” Clarke’s gaze is wholly on her, as if she’s completely fixated. She is giving her undivided attention and Lexa almost doesn’t know what to do with it. She almost doesn’t know if she wants to keep it or if she’d prefer Clarke to be looking somewhere else while she asks her these questions.

“I… think so?” She answers with a quiet voice and eyebrows still furrowed in question.

“You think so?” Clarke’s smirk appears suddenly with that twinkle of amusement in her eyes. Lexa thinks she’s learned this smirk by now, this humored one she always gets when Lexa’s sort of shy about anything. She doesn’t completely understand the reason behind it, but she does know what it means.

She shrugs and looks away from the blonde to glance at the straggled words in her notebook. “I really… I’m not good at this stuff so I don’t know.”

“That’s okay… how about you tell me what you want?”

Lexa licks her lower lip again. “Her?”

“Well duh, I mean, when you talk to her, how do you imagine the conversation going? What do you want her to do and say?” She can still feel Clarke’s eyes on her and because this always seems to happen, she can’t control the turn of her head so she’s meeting her gaze again.

Unlike Lexa normally feels with most people when she looks into their eyes, she finds she’s actually not uncomfortable. There’s something about Clarke’s blues that makes them easy to stare into and Lexa’s not willing to dissect that information, she’s only willing to admit it. “I…” Lexa frowns as she thinks about it. “I don’t know. I guess I just want her to open-up to me. She’s… _interesting_.” She admits quietly before shyly looking down at her notebook again. She can feel the beginnings of a blush and would prefer to hide it behind her hair.

“Yeah, sure, you need my help.” Clarke rolls her eyes playfully and seems to scribble something onto a blank page. “What about her is interesting?” She asks after a moment of silence.

Another lick to the brunette’s lower lip and she knows they’re going to be chapped soon but it’s a habit. “She’s just… there’s just…”

Clarke snorts. “You really aren’t good at this.”

Lexa lets out a heavy sigh as a calm embarrassed blush makes its way across her cheekbones. “I told you.” She mutters in slight defeat.

“Okay, I can work with nothing.” Clarke flips the notebook shut. “I’m going to offer up a few pointers now, basics and you can try them, and I want you to tell me later if you like them or how they worked, sound good?”

Lexa takes in a breath and turns in her seat so she’s facing more toward Clarke. “Yeah.”

“Okay so you want to express your own interest so that the girl can be aware that you like her maybe and it doesn’t come out of left field. Flirt with her.” The blonde shrugs like that’s the most obvious thing in the world.

Lexa isn’t sure she knows how to flirt properly, as she’s always had a hard time identifying when someone was flirting with her. “Flirt with her?”

“Come on that’s not a surprise. Tell her her hair looks nice, compliment something she does, make her laugh, laugh at her jokes, flutter those long eyelashes of yours, undivided attention, girls love that.” Clarke waves her hand like all of this is obvious stuff that Lexa should already know. Or maybe she thinks she doesn’t need to be saying them because Lexa already does know them.

In a sense Lexa does know them, it’s just putting them into the right action she’s always had trouble with. “Oh yeah?” Lexa leans on the table propping up her elbow and resting her head in the palm of her hand, pushing away her notebooks and focusing on what Clarke is saying, watching the movement of her hands and the way her lips move.

“Yeah, they eat that shit up. Listen when she talks, but put yourself out there a little? This is all basic stuff, so I feel like you probably already do it.” Clarke frowns as she says it, looking away from Lexa as if a deeper thought has entered her head and she can’t get it to leave. Lexa would ask if they were closer friends.

But they’re not, so Lexa doesn’t. “You think?” Lexa watches Clarke eyes as they shift into a twinkle with the small grin on her face to accompany it.

“Yeah, you definitely already do it.” She’s grinning wider now, eyes shift across Lexa’s face and apparently Lexa’s posture.

Lexa blushes briefly as she realizes where she’s allowed her focus to stray too and sits up straight again, pulling her books back close to her. “I really feel like you don’t need my help, are you sure you’re having trouble?”

Lexa lets out a soft sigh. “Haven’t you noticed conversation is a little… lacking for me?” She glances at Clarke through the corner of her eye but quickly look away again as she shuffles through her notebooks to organize them for when she wants to shove them away in her bag.

Clarke chuckles. “Yes, but I feel like it’s part of your charm.”

“Charm?” Lexa snorts and Clarke’s grin grows wider.

“Don’t tell me you don’t realize you have charm? I’m pretty sure your roommate is in love with you.” The blonde rolls her eyes at that one and seems to want to distract herself from the topic as she pulls her notebook close and begins a new doodle next to whatever notes she had started but pushed away about Lexa.

Lexa frowns a moment, in thought. “Costia?”

Clarke scoffs. “You bought her flowers the second day you were moved in, she gushed about it in Pop Culture class.”

“Gushed?” The brunette asks a bit shocked.

“Oh my god Lexa, yes.” The blonde’s eyes roll again as she meets her gaze. There’s something in it again, something deeper with more meaning than she normally lets on. Lexa would love to know what it means.

The brunette blushes and hides her face behind her hair again. “Costia’s pretty.”

She doesn’t look at Clarke after she’s said it. “Is it Costia?”

Lexa shakes her head.

“Are you lying? You really don’t want to tell me who it is.” The blonde sounds a bit pouty as the words leave her mouth, Lexa thinks it’s almost cute when she glances at her and sees her arms cross along her chest.

She grins a little. “I’m not comfortable disclosing that information.” It’s mostly a tease but Clarke’s posture is already relaxed.

A soft smile shuffles across those lips but Lexa isn’t sure if it’s actually a real smile or not, as it doesn’t seem to touch her eyes. She’s starting to notice her most common smile, the façade one, never touches her eyes. “Okay, fair enough. I can work with a mystery.”

 

***

 

“I’m telling you Lexa, you don’t need help.” Clarke continues to insist as she’s shoving books and notebooks into her bag.

Lexa rolls her eyes like she’s done every other time Clarke has said that this evening and zips up her bag. “You can say that a hundred times, but I don’t believe you.” She admits honestly, feeling less shy the more time she spends with Clarke. The longer they talk the easier it is to be louder with her.

She begins walking toward the library door after that, seeing Clarke sling her bag along her shoulder and knowing she’ll be following her. “The thing is,” Clarke tugs on her sleeve to get her to stop walking toward the library door and Lexa turns to look at her. “If she isn’t already into you she’s probably an idiot.” The blonde discloses softly, and Lexa thinks she’s telling the truth because there’s a softness to her gaze that she only ever sees when the blonde is asking to draw her.

Lexa can’t help the small smile that attaches itself to her lips, stretching across her face so obviously that she feels like the blonde will be able to read every emotion she has with a single glimpse at her face.

Clarke smiles too, a real one, Lexa is sure this time. “Though it could be Anya’s fault, she is your sister.” The blonde breaks the moment naturally, eyes glancing down at her own shoes with a shifting grin, back to the one that doesn’t touch her eyes.

She wants to ask again, why her sister and Clarke hate each other so, but she doesn’t. “So I should just blame Anya for my lack of love life?” She narrows her eyes at Clarke briefly as the blonde only chuckles.

“Oh definitely, you’ve met her right?” She’s mostly joking but Lexa doesn’t laugh.

She rolls her eyes and turns back around.

Clarke stops her again, hand back on her sleeve only briefly skimming to stop her from leaving. “I’m serious though, if she’s not an idiot all you have to do is flirt a little and you’ll already have her on her knees.” The blonde shrugs, that smirk still in place and Lexa has a sudden need to see the other one, the one that makes the blue in her eyes twinkle, or to get that soft look again. There’s just something about managing to see even a glimpse behind whatever walls Clarke has built that Lexa is becoming addicted too.

She shakes her head. “That’s not the goal.”

“What is the goal?” Clarke laughs loudly, and Lexa thinks that sound is really quite lovely, even if the librarian is glaring at them from across the room.

“To get to know a girl that really intrigues me.” She says honestly, expression studying every inch of Clarke’s face that she can see.

“Really intrigues you huh?” Clarke studies her curiously back, that expression back on her face that she had seen earlier at one point when she had examined her drawing of her. It’s a distinctive look than any other, one that must be rare because the only time Lexa has ever seen it is in moments where it seems to be just the two of them.

“She’s… hard to understand, like she can’t figure out which part of her she’s willing to let the world know and which part of her she’s willing to bury so far below the earth that no one will ever find it.” She doesn’t know why she says that, or why it manages to tumble from her mouth so easily when she is gazing into Clarke’s eyes, but it does. Because there’s just something about Clarke that makes her so easy to talk too.

Though she’s quickly beginning to learn that Clarke, is not big on conversations that involve a deep microscope on feelings. She normally reverts to a joke and Lexa thinks maybe that’s just one of her many façades. “You’re kind of a nerd.” She says light heartedly, her hand reaching out to tap at Lexa’s upper arm playfully.

Lexa grins. “You’re kind of a dick.”

Clarke laughs beautifully again, and Lexa’s grin only grows widely at the sound. “Touché.”

“Goodnight Clarke,” She replies softly and goes to turn around again.

But before she can leave, Clarke is reaching out to her again, voice squeezing into a new tone that Lexa hasn’t heard from her before… desperate. “Wait the hill?”

She furrows her brows as she turns her attention fully back on Clarke. “Hmm?”

Clarke blushes now, like she hadn’t meant to voice the question out loud at all. “I thought we were meeting up at the hill tonight, for the sunset?”

Lexa smiles again. “Yeah maybe we are.” She likes knowing that Clarke wants to spend time with her. It’s possible that’s not what it is, but in a moment like this it’s hard to decide if it could really be anything else. Then again, this could all be a big game to Clarke depending on what’s really beyond those walls.

But Lexa has a strong feeling that Clarke only plays certain games, and it has nothing to do with being her friend. “I’d really love to draw you again; your face is so… expressive… _beautiful_.” Lexa blushes fully and it appears so quickly before she can retreat and hide behind her hair, though she still tries to escape it.

Clarke seems to decide now wasn’t the time to be quiet about seeing it. “I like it when you blush.” Her tone is light and teasing and full of something bright and shiny that it almost feels like Lexa can see it sparkling from her gaze.

Of course, she only blushes more but this time she’s not exactly afraid of Clarke seeing it, as the blonde seems so intrigued by her, so invested in her reactions, so genuinely interested in making her smile that it’s hard for her to imagine that being embarrassed by her blush should even be a thing.

She realizes that feeling must be only a shade of weakness as Raven appears next to Clarke with a grin wider than the sun itself and looking incredibly evil. “Are you making fun of baby Woods’s glasses Clarke because they’re kind of dorky.”

Clarke’s genuine wide happy grin has been replaced with something else, something less recognizable. “Shut up,” Clarke rolls her eyes and slowly there is no longer a smile there at all.

Lexa surprises herself when she feels desperate to make it return, not that she could with Raven standing right there. She sighs and doesn’t offer any words. The less time she spends with Raven the better anyways. “Bye baby Woods!”

“What do you want Ray?”

Lexa pretends she doesn’t miss the conversation she didn’t get to finish.

 

***

 

She decides to not go back to her room, in desperate need to avoid getting roped into the rest of movie night, or guilted, though she knows that Costia is most likely at her sister’s dorm room by now. She does feel somewhat guilty for ditching, after all she had helped plan it. But she can just make it up to them. Not on Thursdays however.

So instead she heads toward Lincoln’s gym, down the road from the University. She has no workout gear, she’s not even prepared for it. She just heads there, to check it out, to feel the environment, to decide if she wants to be there. She doesn’t expect Lincoln to actually be there when she shows up, as she didn’t plan it out, but he is, and he spots her pretty quickly with an excited smile on his face.

She grips the side of her bag as she waits for him, that large smile somewhat contagious and causing Lexa’s own to surface across her lips, though it’s noticeably much smaller. “I didn’t know if you’d actually come!” He says excitedly when he’s standing in front of her.

“Surprise!” She jokes, Lincoln’s grin growing even wider.

“Well let me show you around yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay so this is the cardio room,” and she listens as Lincoln takes her through the different areas, very much a normal gym with the same rooms and a nice sized pool. It’s when Lincoln takes her down some stairs that she gets curious. “This is where we kickbox late at night.” He swipes a card once they reach a heavy metal door and pulls it open.

“So, this is like an exclusive thing?” Lexa’s brows furrow curiously as she studies the large heavy door and Lincoln’s keycard as he moves to place it back in his pocket.

“Eh, not really, we mostly keep it on the downlow because we aren’t exactly interested in teaching, just mostly in somewhat skilled members.” She shrugs like it’s no big deal.

“It looks a little like an illegal operation, heavy metal door, keycards.” Lexa teases, grinning widely as Lincoln laughs at her.

“You could teach Anya to have some of that sense of humor you know.” Lincoln teases light-heartedly and Lexa laughs with him, feeling relaxed.

She waves her hand. “Please that’s a lost cause.” Lexa chuckles and glances around the room, various punching bags and other various objects designed for training scattered around the small area, an arena in the center that the janitor is in the process of cleaning.

“She’s happier with you around though. For a while there, I don’t know, was worried about her.” The taller guy says as they begin to walk further into the room. Lexa only glances at him before she focuses on a few pieces of wall art, her normal fascination clearly taking over briefly as she examines the pieces.

“She’s… she’s going to be okay. I’m sticking around.” She admits softly, letting her eyes trial past the art back to the main focus of her visit, the gym.

“That’s good, and not just for her because we’re looking for someone new for the competition this year.” He’s grinning again now that the possibility of a heavy topic has been moved past.

“Competition?” She quirks an eyebrow at her friend, a small grin fighting its way across her lips. She does like a good competition, she can’t lie about that.

“Oh, it’s not like professional, it’s just fun, between all of us, and a few other clubs that belong to a few other colleges around the state, some out of state.”

“So, like a competition than?” She confirms with a laugh.

“Yeah maybe.” Lincoln chuckles and begins to show her around the area.

 

 

“Hey what’s the deal with like you and Clarke?” Lincoln asks as they go to leave.

Lexa’s steps falter, nearly having her trip over the staircase. “I’m sorry?” She asks trying for clueless but probably sounding more like she’s chocking on her own air.

“She like throws erasers at you in Professor Indra’s class?”

Lexa lets out a breath. “Oh, oh yeah. I think she does. Or it’s just Jasper and Monty, she seemed pretty adamant on it not being her.” Lexa shrugs but just the mention of Clarke has her heart going crazy and she doesn’t know what that’s about.

“Oh, you talk to Clarke?” Lincoln asks curiously.

Lexa blushes, “Not… that much we have a class together so…”

“I’m sure Clarke comes to find you, she loves annoying Anya.” Lincoln laughs amusedly at that.

Lexa can’t explain it but the thought of Clarke only talking to her because it might annoy Anya makes her stomach turn in on itself. After learning Clarke a small bit, she can assume that, that is possibly not true, but it’s still a factor she hasn’t been able to rule out yet. “She does?”

“Yeah, you’ve noticed, haven’t you? Flirting with you and hanging around you is probably the best way to get on her nerves the quickest.”

Lexa frowns immensely but hides behind her hair so that Lincoln won’t be able to see it. “What is that anyway? Like how did it start?”

“I don’t know, I think it was over some girl originally back in Clarke’s freshmen year. But that could not be right? I transferred my sophomore year, so I came in the thick of it like you.”

“Huh, well.” Lexa lets out a little sigh. “My goal this year is too eliminate Anya’s stress, so with this whole, petty feud stuff I’ve got a lot of work to do.” She brushes her fingertips through her hair to push back messy strands from her face.

“Easy, get Clarke to fall in love with you.” Lincoln laughs. “If she even can fall in love.”

“You know, I hear that a lot.” Lexa is frowning again, she isn’t sure she’s a big fan of this conversation.

Lincoln shrugs. “I don’t exactly agree with her reputation, it’s a little exaggerated, I just meant… she’s a bit closed off that one.”

“Yeah? You talk to her then?” She asks, curiosity piqued.

“Oh.” Now Lincoln seems to be the one panicking. “Not much, just a few mutual friends so I see her sometimes. She’s mainly nice to me though, but… It just seems like she’s distant even when she’s not trying to be.”

Lexa can understand that, very well by now. “I see.”

“Yeah, anyways you’ll think about coming one night, test it out?” He smiles at her hopefully and friendlily.

“Yeah I’ll definitely think about it.” Lexa smiles widely, pulling her phone out of her front pocket to glance at the time. Her heart gives a small tug at the message icon and the time.

“That’s great, alright, I’ve got to get back to teaching kids karate.” He winks at her and squeezes her shoulder as he jogs off toward a room full of basketball hoops and gym mats.

Lexa watches him disappear before she opens her phone.

**Clarke (** _8:15 P.M._ **):** you standing me up Woods?

“Damn it,” She says under her breath and rushes out of the gym, uninterested in identifying this frantic motion to get to the same place as the pretty blonde girl who she greatly wants to strip the mystery away from.

 

***

 

“I didn’t think you were coming.” Clarke is sitting on the picnic table with her feet on the seat, looking out at the view. Her sketch pad is next to her, a bigger one this time and a pouch probably full of specific kinds of pencils beside it.

Lexa feels self-conscious just looking at it. “I… got held up with some stuff.” She offers as casually as she can, shoving her hands into the front pockets of her jeans as she makes her way across the pathway to sit on the top of the table next to Clarke.

She pretends she can’t feel the way her heart is beating by the proximity, pretends that it has nothing to do with the fact that she can smell Clarke’s normal scent and see the blonde of her hair whipping in the wind. “I know I’ve asked a billion times, but it’s still okay that I draw you right?” Clarke’s voice is slightly quiet, maybe a bit insecure and Lexa is surprised by it for some reason, so used to Clarke’s tone being full of nonchalance and confidence.

Though by now she’s starting to learn that when it comes to her own art, she seems a bit shyer about it. “I am here right?” Lexa tries for slight teasing, since they’ve been sort of doing that all day, but Clarke doesn’t seem to pay attention to it.

Clarke shrugs. “Well yeah but…” Clarke bites her bottom lip as she seems to think, and Lexa’s eyes follow the action curiously. She examines the features of Clarke’s face. Is she genuine, would Clarke draw her if she wasn’t? Or maybe her letting Clarke draw her is a direct risk? If Clarke is always a façade like Anya has said, like Lincoln had mentioned at the gym, then is she using one right now, with her, while they’re alone, while she offers to draw her? Is nothing about her real? Is she only the product of false geniality or is there so much more to Clarke than Lexa knows, than Lexa ever could know, than Clarke would ever let anyone know?

That option seems more likely.

How long will she struggle trying to dissect it and will it be too late by the time she gets the answers? “You can draw me.” She tells her finally, vocalizing it as she turns away from Clarke to watch the pretty scene of the sun setting in front of her, hoping that if she somehow avoids staring at someone who looks so much like the sun that maybe she could manage to ignore the feeling of her heart still beating aggressively against her breast bone.

She can’t help but think: Why is she more interesting to draw than this sunset? why would Clarke do it if she was only using a façade on her? With the way she seems to be about her art, she can’t imagine that Clarke would ever intentionally be fake or having some kind of ulterior motive for it. It just doesn’t seem like her… though Lexa can admit that she really doesn’t know Clarke that well. But what she does know, this just wouldn’t fit. “Do you want to keep this one too?” The blonde’s voice breaks her from her thought process.

She sets the contemplations aside for the time being. “Yes.” She says after a moment.

“Do you still have the other one?” Clarke seems to ask more for conversation and evading quiet as she flips open her large notebook and unzips the pouch of pencils she had brought to the hill with her.

“Yes.” Lexa says almost sternly, like it shouldn’t even be a question that Clarke has to ask. She blushes after that because that must sound like a bit too much for someone you’ve only just started talking too? She must sound like too much? But then again, isn’t asking to draw someone not once, but twice also a bit too much?

It doesn’t feel like too much, so perhaps neither one of them is crossing any sort of invisibly drawn lines. “That’s… nice. You know I don’t usually…” Clarke trails off for a second as she seems to sketch out the lines of Lexa’s face onto the paper in her lap. “draw people, nor do I share my drawings with people.” The blonde shrugs again and Lexa moves her gaze from the corner of her eye where she can see Clarke back to the sunset, trying her best to not stare.

She’s very interesting when she draws. Her focus is so clearly visible, it’s kind of magnificent. “What do you mean?” She asks to further the conversation after the quiet has extended for a bit of time longer than she had meant for it too.

“I mean… these kinds of drawings feel personal… I don’t know why I’m suddenly…” Clarke trails off again, focusing a bit too much on her paper and Lexa gets distracted by the scrunch of her eyebrows again. “so invested in getting you right.” The blonde shakes her head like she doesn’t exactly know what she’s trying to say, or maybe she doesn’t mean to say exactly what she’s saying out loud.

Lexa decides that maybe she needs to relax a bit because she’s looking at that paper like it might blow up in her hands if she makes one wrong mark. “Because I’m kind of cute?” She tries to tease, feeling a bit nervous as the comment leaves her lips. She’s really not good at this kind of thing but this seems like something Clarke has told her is okay to say.

Clarke laughs without restraint and Lexa’s heart swells on its own, she knows she’s said something somewhat right at least. “Yeah sure.” The blonde rolls her eyes but it’s clearly playful, and full of something completely new, something Lexa hasn’t quite seen before.

It’s soon replaced by the look of focus that had been there before, but she won’t forget it soon. “You’re really talented you know, that drawing you did and the paintings I’ve seen, they’re beautiful.” She compliments shyly, voice a little low again like she’s afraid of Clarke hearing the compliment.

It makes Clarke smile. “You think a drawing of yourself is beautiful?” Clarke teases lightly, smirking playfully in her direction.

Lexa rolls her eyes. “I think you drew someone else, she doesn’t look like me.” The brunette shrugs her shoulders and looks away from Clarke again to glance at the sunset, but Clarke has a pull to her, stronger than the beauty of a sunset and soon her eyes are back on her, her head turned toward the right to examine her expressions as they surface.

“Are you kidding? I know I need work getting you right, but she definitely looks like you. Captivating and… _so_ fascinating.”

Lexa blushes. “Right.”

The conversation trails off for a bit, the sound of Clarke’s pencil and the slight ruffle of leaves and noise of the wind in her ears the only thing to accompany them while the sun is disappearing behind a few mountains. Lexa isn’t sure at what time she became comfortable with the lack of conversation, but she didn’t feel any desire to fill it like she normally would in most social situations and instead only sits, listening to the scratch of Clarke’s pencil and watching the sun disappear before her eyes, stealing glances as Clarke focuses with almost a frustrated look on her gorgeous features.

Eventually Clarke seems to think of something to break the silence though and the peace is momentarily disrupted. “I’m sorry about Raven.” She says softly, like the comment isn’t exactly intentional to say, but it sounds sincere despite it escaping on its own.

Lexa’s eyebrows only furrow as she thinks it over. “What do you mean?”

“She just… gets invested I guess. She shouldn’t be bothering you though, knocking your books over and stuff.” Clarke shakes her head as she says it, the scrunch of her eyebrows changing from focused to something else, something that Lexa also can’t quite identify yet. Another emotion that Clarke Griffin gets that the others must think she’s immune to or just doesn’t have.

But Lexa knows she has them, Lexa knows she has a lot of them. If she’s learned nothing about Clarke in these last two days, at least she’s learned that there’s a spectrum of emotions that shuffle through that pretty blonde head. Whether she chooses to acknowledge them and feel them or not is still up for debate. “You talk to Anya?”

“Me,” Clarke laugh but this time it’s not genuine or full and Lexa’s heart misses the other sound. “No, I try to avoid that thanks, but I did hear her yelling at Raven about it.” Clarke hunches closer to her page before she glances at Lexa’s face for a long moment as if imprinting her into her memory yet again.

She wonders how many times Clarke will look at her like that, and why that look always makes her feel so nervous and maybe a little exposed. “She yelled?” She can’t help her thoughts trailing off to her sister, slightly worried as she thinks about the scene that could have unfolded.

She should probably talk to her tomorrow, make sure she’s doing alright still. Sure, she checks every day in her own way, but she should make sure about this. The last thing Anya needs right now is to be worrying about her and scared she’s going to leave her. “Yeah Raven thought it was hilarious.” Clarke rolls her eyes.

Lexa frowns and turns away from Clarke to watch the sunset again, her focus lost for a second on the intriguing character that is Clarke Griffin and now on her sister. “I told her not to worry about it.” She sighs softly because of course Anya wouldn’t listen to her, Anya wouldn’t be Anya if she wasn’t stubborn.

She’ll have to do better at convincing her that she wasn’t going anywhere, and maybe getting Anya off her own back since that seems to be something that might cause unwarranted stress. “She’s your sister though, why wouldn’t she?” Clarke’s pencil stops scratching along the paper to glance up at her curiously, her brows furrowed and curious.

Lexa swallows, “Look um, if you see Anya yelling again can you do me a favor?” Maybe asking this of Clarke is the wrong idea, maybe this is a terrible idea and maybe trusting Clarke in any way is wrong, no matter how simple it is or what it’s even for, but Lexa can’t help it.

“Uh, what?” Clarke’s pencil is behind her left ear temporarily as she stares at Lexa with her right eyebrow raised.

“Text me.” She states simply and watches the expression on Clarke’s face morph into different emotions as she seems to contemplate the request.

She doesn’t give her a direct answer when she opens her mouth again. “Lexa… why are you here? Like, where did you come from?” She asks full of curiosity and that expression; god Lexa wishes she knew what that expression was. So deep in thought and feeling something that makes her seem like she’s ready to run or escape or maybe even scream.

_What is it?_ “Washington D.C.” She says simply, herself not exactly comfortable enough with Clarke in this moment to disclose that information, despite her odd sense of placed trust she’s suddenly put in her hands.

Clarke scoffs, “Are you serious that’s across the country.” She seems shocked and so, so curious. Like its Lexa that holds all the mystery and all the buried emotions and quizzical expression on her face.

Lexa feels like an open book compared to the pages that are locked to the novel that is Clarke Griffin. “I’m not here for me.” She reveals.

“What do you mean?” That right eyebrow corks up again and Lexa finds for a few long seconds she only watches the arch of it.

Clarke is very pretty, and as she’s slowly getting bathed in darkness somehow her eyes are still as bright as the sky when it’s blue and clear on its sunniest days. “You’ll text me?” She says instead.

Clarke studies her for a long time. “I’m not averagely in the interest of helping my enemies but sure. I’ll text you.” She mumbles it before she’s removing the pencil from her left ear and hunching over her notebook again, eyebrows scrunching back into the position they’re normally in when she’s concentrating very hard.

“Thank you.” Lexa says after a moment and looks out at what’s left of the sunset, the sun long gone behind the mountains.

“God you’re jawline.” Clarke sighs heavily like it’s the hardest struggle she’s ever faced as her eraser moves across the page until she’s tracing patterns into the paper again. Lexa doesn’t peek, too self-conscious to look.

“What about it?” She asks shyly, licking at her lower lip with a sudden nervousness.

“It’s fucking perfect.” Clarke scoffs like it’s directly offensive to her. “Impossible to draw.”

Lexa can’t help the soft giggle that escapes its way from her chest up through her throat. “I’m sorry?”

“Yeah, I’m sure you’re really sorry for being a gorgeous human being.” The blonde rolls her eyes playfully and Lexa’s blush is back, she lets her hair fall in her face. “Hey,” Clarke mumbles delicately, pushing back the soft strands of hair. She pulls her hand back after a moment. “Sorry, I… I’m just trying to draw and I… sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Lexa is still blushing, she’s well aware, but she’s more distracted by the blonde’s own blush, flushing across her cheeks. Clarke has sort of blushed before, when she’s asked to draw her, but it was always light, briefly there to hint that maybe she was nervous at sharing something kind of personal to her… this blush was not like those blushes.

This blush was stunning and adorable, and Lexa’s heart was beating too hard against her ribcage again, like her and Clarke have known each other longer than a few weeks and have had more conversations on this hill than the two that are currently in existence. “I didn’t make you uncomfortable right?” Clarke’s voice is quiet and vulnerable and so real.

“No.” Lexa shakes her head, watching Clarke’s blue eyes glittering slightly from the left-over sunlight. She focuses completely on her notebook, that curious furrow back to her brows as something floats through that mind of hers.

Lexa wishes she knew what she was thinking. “Good, I… I don’t want to ever. I mean I wouldn’t want that to happen.” She seems to have a slight nervous twitch to her now, maybe messing up her drawing enough times that she’s nearly cursed at it, erasing Lexa’s jawline again before she tries to sketch it down again.

“It didn’t. It’s okay.” Lexa looks at her curiously. “Are you normally this afraid to touch someone’s hair?” She doesn’t mean for the question to sound so incredibly curious, for it to even come off as invasive? She had only been trying to tease but Clarke seems to tense at the question and she wishes she could take it back.

But after a moment Clarke’s shoulders relax and she blushes more, and Lexa feels briefly confident, like there’s power in her hands for once. “No, I just… you seem so reserved and stuff I just wouldn’t want to cross whatever boundaries… I don’t know your boundaries. So, I shouldn’t like, touch your hair without knowing them.”

“That’s…” Lexa’s own eyebrows furrow as she stares at the side of Clarke’s face. “Really nice actually.”

Clarke still doesn’t look up, that look on her face, so expressive and serious. “It’s not finished, um, maybe bring it back with you tomorrow?” Clarke rips the page from her book and hands it over, avoiding eye contact.

Lexa’s hoping she hasn’t done, or managed, to say anything wrong. “ _Clarke_ ,”

“I’ve um, got to go. Tomorrow?”

“Clarke, you don’t have to leave.” Normally she’d be mad at herself for sounding suddenly desperate to extend their time together, but Clarke looks slightly panicked and Lexa never meant to somehow upset her, doesn’t know how she managed to do it. She only wants to fix it.

Clarke stops for a second, placing her bag down that she had hurriedly picked up as that look remains on her face. She’s so lost in thought, so in depth and Lexa is so curious, so anxious to know what’s going through her head but she doesn’t push. Watches as the expression softens briefly until Clarke is looking up and into her eyes again. “I really want to be friends.” She says softly, and her tone is so gentle.

She couldn’t be hiding behind a façade when she looks so vulnerable with the statement. It’s so interesting to Lexa, she’s so incredibly interesting, like a damn puzzle and Lexa is weak to conundrums. “I would like that too.” She admits softly, hoping her expression is as soft as she’s suddenly feeling.

Clarke smiles lightly, and she thinks that maybe it is as blue eyes meet green. “Bring the drawing back tomorrow?” Clarke’s raspy voice wraps around the words and Lexa feels the urge to shiver at her tone, she doesn’t know what that’s about but she’s not about to investigate it.

“Okay.”

“Alright.” The blonde grabs her bag and slings it over her shoulder. Lexa watches the sway of her hips as she leaves, unable to help it.

Only when Clarke is gone does she look at the half-done drawing of her face, the freshly sketched part of her jawline before Clarke had stopped moving her pencil, the slight piercing of her eyes staring off somewhere away from her.

Lexa doesn’t know how Clarke sees her like this, but she does know that no one could fake this kind of eye. Clarke is more than she lets on, and Lexa would really like to know the things that she normally keeps to herself. She’d love to see the stripped-down version of Clarke, without the barriers and glowing sunlight to hide behind.

Lexa would love to know Clarke, and she finishes watching the rest of the sunset thinking about the ways to earn her trust to get there.

 

***

 

“Where were you, I thought you were supposed to come to movie night?” Costia asks with slight disappointment in her tone that can’t be missed.

If Lexa wasn’t so tired from her day and didn’t have her thoughts still so focused on Clarke Griffin, she’d have taken more notice to it. “Yeah, I’m sorry about that, I just got caught up.” She admits softly, and it’s partly true.

“With what?” Her pretty roommate asks with furrowed brows.

“I…” Lexa bites her bottom lip briefly before she looks up from where she had set her bag on her bed. “Study group, Indra asked me to help a few people for some extra credit.” She lies and feels bad about it immediately. Lexa’s not really a liar, she doesn’t prefer to do it. But Costia and Anya are too close, and Anya can’t know that she’s hanging out with Clarke, not right now anyway. Perhaps when Lexa solves this feud for them, then Anya can know about their new friendship. But that’s going to take some work and Lexa knows she has a long way to go, so telling Costia about it, isn’t much of an option right now.

“Oh,” Costia sighs slightly but Lexa can’t identify what kind of sigh it is. “Okay, I mean that’s good that your meeting people and stuff.” Her roommate shrugs and seems to tune back into the book she was reading when Lexa had entered.

“Yeah.” She responds, looking away and pulling her phone from her pocket as it vibrates.

**Clarke (** _10:55 P.M._ **):** is it wrong that I’ve started practicing your jawline?

_Image_024_

Lexa bites her lip and moves to hide behind her hair like someone is looking at her well enough to notice the blush that surfaces across her face. Her back is too Costia, it’s ridiculous but she still feels like a giant red sign is above her head.

**Lexa (** _10:56 P.M._ **):** still suggest that she looks like a fairytale version of me.

**Clarke (** _10:57 P.M._ **):** Lexa, ur face is a fairytale.

**Lexa (** _10:58 P.M._ **):** now who’s the dork. :P

**Clarke (** _10:58 P.M._ **):** funny, now if you’ll excuse me I have some art to get back too

**Clarke (** _10:59 P.M._ **):** Goodnight Lexa

**Lexa (** _11:00 P.M._ **):** goodnight Clarke.

She places her phone on the charger and grabs some clothes to change into for sleeping, ignoring the glance Costia sends her way that looks a lot like suspicion. Lexa really isn’t good at keeping secrets, but if she could just get to know Clarke a little bit before Anya finds out and she no longer has the chance maybe she can really change things. Help Anya make peace with her enemies, and… well Clarke is a mystery that Lexa is almost dying to solve.

She just needs some time.


	3. Chapter 3

“So you’ve tried some of that stuff, how has it gone?” Clarke is again attempting a rough sketch of her jawline, her eyes are studying her in that thoughtful way, she almost looks frustrated, but Lexa knows it only has to do with the fact that Clarke is so particular.

“I think it’s working?” She says a little unsure, shifting slightly on the bench. The night is a little warmer than the others, a stagnant breeze makes it easier for Clarke to not have to hold down her paper while she draws.

“You think?” Clarke’s fingertips reach up to touch her jawline briefly, it’s as light as a feather, as if Clarke needs to touch to imprint her jawline to memory and then it’s gone again, and she’s erasing Lexa’s jawline to re-draw it.

“She seems… _flirty_. But I think that’s just her personality.” Lexa answers honestly, tangling her fingers together as she allows her gaze to shift briefly between the sunset and Clarke. Her hair is up today, a messy bun with strands of blonde falling out. Lexa likes it when she wears her hair like that, even if her fingers itch to lean over and tuck the loose strands of hair behind her ear.

“Don’t do that, be a little more confident Lexa. You are damn beautiful, she’d be stupid to not flirt with you regardless of her personality.” Normally when Clarke says stuff like this she’s meeting her eyes, looking incredibly serious which is something she rarely ever looks like unless she’s getting lost in the thoughts in her head. Lexa thinks she does this on purpose, so that Lexa actually believes her.

The brunette blushes but Clarke misses it this time, too invested in the drawing below her. “What else should I do, if that stuff might be working?” Lexa decides to ask, wondering what else Clarke would have to say about this. If she’s honest, she isn’t sure she has the guts to incorporate any of the things Clarke might say, but maybe she would.

“Hmm, give me a second, I’ve almost got this.” Lexa nods and watches as Clarke very slowly moves her pencil across the paper before she speeds up, and she looks somewhat pleased with the results of what she’s seeing. “It’s not perfect but it’s so damn close.” She lets out a soft sigh of what seems like relief and Lexa can’t help the smile that forms on her lips. “I would get it perfect if this was a painting, I’m always so much better with paint.”

Clarke is so interesting about her art, so particular. She never gives up either and Lexa wonders how deep that quality runs, or if it’s just for her art. “If she’s suggesting interest, and your flirting is working or seems to be, maybe trying asking her out?”

Lexa feels her heart stop. “Ask her out?” She squeaks and Clarke eyes part from the drawing below her to turn her amused stare on Lexa.

“Yeah, but casually, maybe get close to her, you know, like if you’re standing just take a step closer than you would if you weren’t interested, make eye contact, and ask her out. But make it cool and collected, you know, in a way you can quickly recover if it seems like she’s going to say no.” Clarke talks like this is clearly something obvious to do but Lexa’s never actually asked a girl out before.

She isn’t sure she could actually do it, especially now. “How would that look?” Lexa asks nervous at the very thought, a furrow to her brow and Clarke’s eyes seem to gleam in the sunlight.

She shuts her notebook and sets it aside. She tugs on Lexa’s sleeve to pull her from the bench so she’s standing, and Clarke places her pencil behind her left ear. “Stand here.” Clarke backs up from her a few feet as Lexa watches her curiously, obvious question in her eyes. “It looks just like this,” Clarke takes a step forward but it’s not abrupt, it almost looks natural, like she’s meant to be standing in Lexa’s space all along. Her eyes are twinkling, she definitely looks brighter than any sun Lexa has ever seen.

She can barely breathe with Clarke so close. “You want to catch a movie tomorrow?”

Clarke is staring at her like she’s waiting for her to actually answer. She’s about to but then Clarke seems to continue, looking nonchalant and easy-going as she slides a hand into her hair to brush back those stray blonde locks loose from her bun and Lexa finds it slightly distracting, wishing she could do that. “A group of us are going, you should come, it’ll be fun.”

She licks at her lower lip in thought, knowing Clarke has a tendency to watch the action. She again isn’t sure if it’s because Clarke is at all interested or if it’s just her artist brain because her left-hand twitches whenever she does it. “Is that asking her out?”

The blonde shrugs. “Pretty much, the only way you get that mixed up is if you want to mix it up.” Clarke’s eyes sparkle into her own and Lexa feels tense, she’s still so close and Lexa can smell her so well, that perfect mix between cinnamon and vanilla.

“Stand just like this?” Lexa asks nervously.

Clarke chuckles. “Just make sure you’re giving her all your attention, so she knows where your interests are. The last thing you want is to confuse your intentions, that could make a mess.”

“Right,” Lexa furrows her eyebrows together. “Confuse my intentions how?”

“Lots of ways to do that, you don’t want to seem too uninterested because she will think you really are, but you don’t want to seem overly interested because it could come off as too much. You need that perfect balance, good body language but smooth words.” Clarke’s right hand slips into the pocket of her jeans, the sunlight is placing a certain kind of halo around her and Lexa again thinks, if she could draw like Clarke, she’d have her own notepad. Because out of the two of them, it’s Clarke that’s the art.

“I am good at neither of those things.” She chuckles briefly, but again she can hear the nerves in it. She wishes it was easier to hide her emotions around Clarke, but something about her makes this easy even as she fights it.

Clarke laughs. “Sure you are, look at you.” Clarke’s eyes glance briefly down her body. “Maybe your worried about the words but you don’t have to. It’s going to be okay, just go for it.” Clarke takes a step further.

“Go for it…” Lexa holds in a breath and Clarke is smiling too widely again.

She’s looking at her so curiously, tipping her head to the side slightly and studying her. She looks so pretty, and Lexa has the urge to tell her but thankfully, she’s capable of holding some things in around her. “Or maybe you want her to go for it?”

Lexa looks away from her, down at her feet. “I don’t know.” She mumbles quietly.

“Sure you do, because I can work with that too. You want her to ask you out, probably because your shy huh?” Clarke is tugging on her sleeve briefly, to pull her attention back up and Lexa tries to tamper down the nerves that have increased by Clarke’s close proximity.

 _She smells so good; how does she smell this good?_ “A little.”

“And your afraid she’s not going to like you.” Clarke’s eyes are twinkling, and bright blue and Lexa could get lost in them.

She doesn’t answer her question.

“She’d be absolutely insane not to, but we can work toward that anyway. Try doing this, because this, though somewhat bold, can still be passed off as not meaning anything. Do this and she’ll know you’re interested, and if she’s interested maybe she’ll bite.”

“Okay, so try this.” She gestures between them, the small amount of distance that’s left.

Clarke tugs at her sleeve, “right,” She leads Lexa back to the bench and they climb back up onto it, Clarke flipping the notebook back open to the page she had been drawing Lexa’s face on. The quiet settles between them again, Clarke becoming enthralled with her project and Lexa becoming enthralled with her.

 

 

Lexa does this thing, this obvious, obvious thing when her and Clarke are walking down from the hill together after the sun has set. She has a fresh drawing in her hands, or at least one that had been started the day before but she’s not exactly looking at it because she knows she’s going to spend a long time gazing at it by the time she gets back to her dorm. No, the one very obvious thing she does that she’s probably been doing since she met Clarke, is staring at her. But it’s different than her other stares.

It’s one she’s not afraid to be caught with, mostly because she wants Clarke to know she’s looking even though it makes her nervous that Clarke is going to one day ask why, and she can’t exactly answer that honestly… but than again maybe she could? It would be the boldest thing she’s said to her of the last five days that they’ve been meeting on this hill.

Clarke interrupts her thoughts just as they’re reaching the end of the hill. “Before you go, I can’t meet tomorrow.”

“Oh?” Lexa keeps her eyes on Clarke even now, not letting them part. Maybe she should watch where she’s stepping more, as she’s bound to fall on her face at any time for spending too much time looking at her and not where she’s going.

“I’ve got the evening shift at the 24-hour café down the block. Normally I only work early mornings but, I’m filling in for a friend.” Clarke shrugs as she meets Lexa’s gaze, her eyes are bluer than they should be in the dark with only street lamps lighting their way.

Lexa wonders how they can always be so mesmerizing, even more so than the sun itself, or a sunset could ever be. “Oh okay. I didn’t know you worked at a café, what’s it called?”

Clarke smiles at her slightly. “The Ark, it’s right across the street from the new club Grounders.” They come to a stop at the end of the hill finally, Clarke’s eyes not leaving her own and Lexa thinks her heart could not beat any faster than when Clarke is looking into her eyes.

She frowns briefly, “oh, I haven’t heard of it.”

Clarke looks shocked for a brief second. “Everyone on campus goes… oh wait, you know what. Anya hates that place; her group doesn’t set foot there.” Clarke shrugs, eyes still not parting from her own as the realization dawns on her face.

Lexa is more distracted with her own thoughts of how beautiful Clarke can manage to be even in the light of street lamps it takes her a moment to ask; “Why?”

Clarke shrugs again. “I work there.”

Lexa’s eyebrows furrow together as she tries to think that over. Her sister really isn’t the type to avoid a place just because someone she doesn’t like very much works there. Something about this goes deeper than Lexa thought, and she’s bound to find out why because really, what other option does she have?

She could ignore it, but that would never help Anya. And the more she gets to know Clarke, the more she thinks a peace treaty between the two groups would also be good for her. She doesn’t seem to really like it anyway, the small frown she gets every time Lexa brings it up is indication enough. “Do you also avoid places Anya goes?” She asks curiously, gazing at Clarke’s expression, hoping for once that it’ll give her some kind of answer.

Clarke shrugs as she kicks dirt at the bottom of the hill, normally they part here as they have to walk opposite direction to get home.

Lexa finds that she doesn’t really feel like going home, or parting. “You ever think about… making peace?”

Clarke is grinning widely at her after that, she almost looks like she wants to laugh, like Lexa is telling the funniest joke she’s ever heard, but she doesn’t laugh. She shakes her head. “Have you ever talked to your sister about… why I avoid her, and she hates me?” Clarke’s got that casual smirk on her face, with a questioning brow raised and Lexa’s eyes follow the shape of it a moment before resting back on Clarke’s eyes.

“You don’t hate her?” She asks curiously, trying to find some information without actually prying too much.

“Oh no, she’s my nemesis, but _hate_ … don’t they always say that’s a strong word?” Clarke is doing that smirk again, that wide one that doesn’t touch her eyes. Almost as if it’s her wall to hide behind. She wonders what happened in Clarke’s life that made her build that wall in the first place, who first made her want to hide.

She’d probably punch that person if she ever met them. “I haven’t asked, I try to avoid topics that stress her out.” She says honestly.

Clarke chuckles, but Lexa is learning quickly that she has different laughs too. This isn’t one of her better lighter laughs, it’s a façade... it’s so obvious now, after spending some time with her. It’s not real. “Well… I’m sure she has her own version of the story. It’s really almost funny do you want to hear it?” Her eyes are twinkling despite her walls being up, and Lexa loses herself for a second to gaze at them.

She almost sighs. “Yes.”

“Maybe I’ll tell you than, Thursday.” She giggles than as Lexa frowns at her, crossing her arms along her chest in a near pout because she’d like to know now, and Clarke had to do that on purpose… get her curious just to snap the information away.

The only good thing about this is that Clarke seems more playful. “That’s two days away.” She pouts further, and Clarke just seems highly amused by her and so entertained. Normally Lexa would find it annoying to have someone sort of laughing at her, but it doesn’t feel like that with Clarke.

Clarke places a hand to her mouth. “Oops.” She feigns innocents, batting her pretty eyelashes and giggling cutely in front of her.

Lexa’s heart is soaring, just like a kite in the summer wind. “You’re kind of a dick.” She teases and watches as Clarke gasps at her, eyes still twinkling.

She recovers quickly. “And your kind of a nerd.” Clarke’s grin is so wide that it’s almost mesmerizing… it is mesmerizing when it touches her eyes like that. It’s real and genuine and Lexa is learning the difference between this and her smirk so well that she can identify them the second they happen.

Lexa isn’t sure why she steps closer to Clarke but it’s a noticeable step. She knows it’s noticeable because Clarke’s eyes widen a fraction of a second before they’re schooled back into this nonchalant glance. Perhaps Lexa would step even closer if she didn’t think that it freaked Clarke out. “Does that mean you have tomorrow morning off?” Lexa raises an eyebrow, meeting Clarke’s gaze and perhaps looking hopeful.

Clarke’s smile changes after that, but Lexa doesn’t quite know what this one means. She’s seen it a few times but is still unable to place it because there’s still so much about Clarke that she doesn’t know, so much she really wants to know. “Yes, it does.” Clarke tips her head to the side. “Can’t wait to see me again?” Her eyelashes flutter slightly, and Lexa is drawn to her, she could look into those eyes forever.

“Maybe.” Lexa grins at her. “Maybe I just like the way you draw me, boosts my confidence.” She answers playfully, hearing Clarke giggle and seeing the blue in her eyes sparkle even more.

_She’s so pretty._

“Ah, now we get into the real reason you’re keeping me around, for my art.” Clarke pretends to be offended, head cocked to the right but the smile on her face won’t dissipate. For once Lexa thinks she’s managing to get a real smile stuck there, at least for the time being, and she’s not going to take that for granted.

She bats her own eyelashes, like Clarke has said to do. “You are very talented.” She compliments, voice lower than she expected it to be. It’s obvious what she’s doing, that’s what Clarke always says. _It’ll be obvious._

Lexa thinks she sees the briefest sign of a blush on her cheeks before Clarke manages to make it disappear somehow. “Goodnight Lexa.” Clarke touches her sleeve, an action she’s been doing a lot since she’s received Lexa version of permission for it.

Lexa glances down as she does it, watches the tug and feels it as if Clarke is tugging at her heart. It’s an interesting feeling, one she’s not quite expecting in this moment and when she looks up and into Clarke’s eyes again she thinks maybe Clarke can see it too.

“Goodnight.”

 

***

 

Lexa really didn’t realize how addicted she was to her evening visits with Clarke on the hill until it was evening and she had no where else to be. She wasn’t the kind of person that always needed plans, she really did enjoy evenings in, but she finds that outside of watching the sunset, she misses the sounds of Clarke’s pencil against paper beside her. She misses her scent and her multitude of smiles that she’s still trying to decipher.

She thinks it’s kind of ridiculous because it’s one evening and she saw her the day before and yet here she is, feeling as if she’s completely lost because she knows if she goes to the hill Clarke won’t be there and she finds she doesn’t really want to be at the hill if Clarke’s not there which makes her question a lot.

Maybe she’s getting in too deep here. So far, it’s been almost one entire week since they started this… weird meeting thing and Lexa already spends most of her days thinking about her and she’s made absolutely no progress toward the peace treaty she has desired for her sister. In fact, she doesn’t even know how she’s supposed to get there.

She doesn’t even know the real story. She’s only heard rumor after rumor, exaggeration after exaggeration, lie after lie. She has no idea what is true and what is false and what’s a little bit of both when it comes to the situation. Her and Clarke barely talk about it, mostly because Clarke doesn’t really bring it up and Lexa doesn’t know how too without being incredibly awkward. She gets lost in other conversations she manages to have with the blonde.

Because talking to Clarke is the easiest thing in the world, despite her tendency to veer off into quiet. It’s all incredibly easy with her and Lexa has never experienced that before. Of all the things she’s heard about Clarke nothing has actually prepared her for who Clarke is really turning out to be.

Lexa is finding that she’s afraid of Clarke… but not for the many reasons that Anya has been shouting in her ear, or Anya’s friends have spit under their breath, or even some random girls in different classes who have seen them studying together has taken her aside to warn her about. They’re all wrong, at least, that’s what it feels like.

Lexa’s not afraid of Clarke because of her reputations. Lexa’s afraid of Clarke because she really does like her and she hadn’t exactly been expecting that feeling to grow or stay. She thought it would go away, because most of Lexa’s infatuations do after a while. Most of the time her crushes drain, and they turn up to be nothing, but she finds with Clarke that’s not happening. She keeps waiting for it, but all that happens is she seems to be crushing harder and she’s kind of afraid of it.

So, she’s been doing her best to distract herself from it. Studying overtly much, working out a little extra, dodging questions about crushes and relationships from her friends. She’s quite good at pretending really, it’s easy to pretend when Clarke isn’t there to remind her that she’s probably the most beautiful person Lexa has ever seen in her life.

Despite distracting herself, it doesn’t change how relieved she is when Thursday actually comes around. She gets to see Clarke again and perhaps she shouldn’t be so excited about that but who is she kidding, she is. She even lacked text messages, she wanted to see her, she was like a fix and Lexa was addicted.

“Hey Lex, you going to your study group?” Costia asks her as she swings the door open to their dorm room, coming in from her previous class. She looks tired but still flawless as she often does and Lexa admires the features of her face for a second before she tears her gaze away.

Lexa nods, finishing stuffing her bag and swinging it over her shoulder. “Yeah, I’ll be back late.” She tells her roommate softly, a gently smile gracing her features as Costia throws her own bag onto her bed.

“You’re normally back late, every night.” Costia chuckles.

Her eyes a warm brown, twinkling into Lexa’s when she meets their gaze. Lexa likes Costia’s eyes, they always look pretty no matter the lighting. “I like to watch the sunset.” She says instead of lying. It’s half the truth.

Costia chuckles. “I know. Hey maybe you can skip the study group tonight though? Come out with me?” Costia steps forward to stand beside her as she asks, close enough to nearly be touching her.

She frowns. She definitely doesn’t want to do that, she’s already somewhat late, she wonders if Clarke is waiting for her. “Uh, I can’t. I really should go.” She gestures toward the door but doesn’t make an effort to escape yet, watching Costia’s eyes shift into disappointment.

Costia sighs. “I doubt I’ll be able to convince you otherwise, nerd.” She teases with a beautifully wide smile, and Lexa rolls her eyes with her own soft grin in return. “If you change your mind, Anya and I are going down to that new club.” She touches Lexa’s arm very briefly and Lexa can’t help but watch as she does so, noticing the slight blush gracing Costia’s dark features as she seems to take notice of her actions.

She wonders what Costia is thinking about. “Grounders?” She asks instead.

“Yeah, just in case you want to come.” Costia touches her arm again, briefly, before turning back around to her side of the room to rummage through her things, possibly getting ready to leave.

Lexa takes in a breath but doesn’t let it out. “I’ll see you.” She offers as a goodbye, disappearing out of the door and making her way quickly to the exit of the hall. She can’t get to Clarke fast enough.

 

 

She arrives a few minutes late. Clarke is already there, set up at their normal table and staring at something quite intently. Lexa stops, just a bit away and takes in a deep breath, letting her eyes absorb the way that Clarke looks. Pretty as always, but it doesn’t stop Lexa’s heart from swelling up in her chest. She isn’t sure if it’s all nerves or just excitement at getting to spend time with her.

What she does know, is that she’s definitely getting worse.

Just as she’s about to walk forward Clarke checks her time and looks back at the door, as if looking for her. Maybe she was, Lexa would like to think that she’s not just worried about missing their study session anyways, and that it has more to do with Clarke wanting to see her as much as she always wants to see Clarke.

Once the blonde’s eyes land on her she smiles rather widely, and waves and Lexa can’t help the way her heart suddenly picks up in pace inside of her chest, slamming against her breastbone rather obnoxiously as she waves back and makes her way across the library to their normal table.

She takes a seat in her normal place as Clarke is greeting her. “Hey gorgeous, I was thinking, I’m feeling pretty prepped for class right now and was wondering if maybe you just want to go to the hill early?” When she glances to her side at Clarke her blue eyes are twinkling with hope that Lexa will agree.

Lexa has to bite her tongue from doing just that too eagerly. “You want to skip studying?” She feigns concern and hopes its convincing.

Clarke bites her bottom lip and Lexa’s stomach flips watching it, eyes moving to stare of their own accord. “Yes, I bought some new pencils and I want to try them out.” She says rather shyly, far shyer than she ever is. But again, pencils have to do with art and Clarke is always shy about her art.

Lexa lets a smirk grace her lips. “Aren’t you the one requesting you get more than a C?” She teases lightly, raising a skeptical brow as the blonde manages an eye roll.

Her blue eyes are still twinkling, and Lexa thinks she must be happy to see her too. “Shush, we can study later, come on.” Clarke’s hand touches Lexa’s wrist on the table, and the brunette has to swallow her emotions immediately at the touch.

She tries not to blush but she’s pretty much one hundred percent sure she fails. “I guess if you no longer care about your grade,” She goes to tease, hoping the wavier in her voice isn’t weird enough to distract Clarke from the mission she seems to be on to get them out of the library.

“Oh, shut up, you’re a big dork, let’s go.” She tugs at Lexa’s wrist before releasing it and stuffing the one singular notebook she had on the table back in her bag. She had been planning this.

Lexa smiled to herself and stood from her seat, following behind Clarke to briefly watch the way she sways her hips before catching up and walking beside her.

 

***

 

She paces for a second before she tells herself to stop because Costia is fast asleep, but she’s such a light sleeper that the movement of Lexa’s feet on the floorboards could wake her up. She’s overthinking the whole night, her heart racing in her chest unevenly like there’s something she’s forgetting to say but she can’t quite figure out what it is.

She clicks the button on her phone so the screen lights up but she’s only looking at her background, what is she waiting for? She lets out a soft sigh, cautious not to be so loud. Maybe this is dumb, could she get anymore obvious? If she keeps performing each action Clarke says to do right after she tells her to do them, won’t she figure it out?

_Isn’t that the point?_

She nearly groans but looks to Costia deciding against it. She sits down on her bed, stares at Costia’s sleeping figure for a long time, like at any moment the girl will pop up from the bed and accuse her of treachery, flirting with the enemy. That’s not Costia’s style at all. She knows that, and yet, she’s still fearing it.

She bites her lower lip too hard, hard enough to taste blood and pulls up Clarke’s contact in her phone.

_“Woo, goodnight texts, you have her phone number?”_

She shouldn’t, she should wait. After what Clarke has already told her, maybe this whole plan is absolutely useless… okay not totally. The main goal in the end was to get to know her, and she’s definitely doing that, and to bring peace between the groups and she’ll figure that out as she goes but this part, this flirting part, this was spontaneous, on the spot, not Lexa at all. She didn’t have the courage for this.

And yet, she was typing. Why was she doing this? Isn’t a goodnight text, despite what Clarke had told her, useless when they say goodnight at the bottom of the hill? Would this just come off weird? Should she say something else, something less obvious?

She doesn’t.

 **Lexa (11:32 P.M.):** What time do you work?

 **Clarke (11:32 P.M.):** From the way you were acting earlier, I expected you to be asleep.

 **Clarke (11:33 P.M.):** 6am to 12:30

 **Lexa (11:33 P.M.):** I’m going to bed now

 **Lexa (11:33 P.M.):** What days do you work?

 **Clarke (11:34 P.M.):** mon-tues, Thursday, every other Friday, sometimes Sundays but rarely. Any reasons ur asking?

 **Lexa (11:35 P.M.):** Just curious.

 **Lexa (11:35 P.M.):** Goodnight Clarke  <3

 **Clarke (11:35 P.M.):** Goodnight dork. :)

Lexa smiles at her phone before hooking it up on the charger and escaping into the bathroom with her change of clothes.

 

***

 

The day was dragging, and Lexa found she was struggling to focus. Luna’s bright idea to sit down next to her in the library and talk her ear off on Friday morning was not her favorite thing in the world but she didn’t protest. She was trying to mingle and make friends the best she could, and she knows Anya would appreciate if she makes the effort.

But Luna was breathing so loud and it was excessively irritating Lexa. Every few seconds she’d sigh and reposition in her chair, turning a page in the textbook Lexa’s sure she can’t be reading with how incredibly loud and obnoxious she’s being. She hasn’t been this annoyed since her brother Aden went through that screaming phase at three.

She’s actually contemplating proper excuses that would not constitute as a lie that could get her out of here when Luna decides to open up conversation rather than being silent because god forbid they just be quiet a while. “So, Lexa, anyone you fancy?”

She raises her eyebrow at Luna, glancing at her and hoping her eyes aren’t expressing how incredibly annoyed she is. “Did you really just say fancy?” She asks with a small amount of bite.

Luna doesn’t seem to notice it however. “I did, but really, you got anyone, because I’m painfully single right now and literally live vicariously through my friends dating lives.” She wiggles her eyebrows and leans her head on her arms, staring at Lexa, awaiting her answer.

She shifts uncomfortably under the stare. “You’re weird.” She says instead.

Luna snorts like it’s a joke. “No seriously, I know someone that’s kind of into you and if you aren’t seeing anyone maybe you could meet her?” She pulls her head up to prop her chin against her palm.

Lexa feels herself panic slightly. “Oh, oh no. I’m sorry. I actually… I mean it’s nothing but I’m kind of interested in someone.” She mumbles honestly, feeling the beginnings of a blush getting ready to take over her face, starting at the base of her neck.

She’s praying and begging Luna not to ask, but of course she does. “Woo, who?”

“No one.” Lexa shakes her head and tries to focus on the words in her book, but Luna is now glaring at her and she knows escaping this one isn’t going to be easy.

“Come on Lex, we’re friends, you can trust me.” Luna shoves her shoulder lightly, a friend touch perhaps, but it still makes Lexa want to put a good distance between them, feeling slightly uncomfortable with the interaction.

Anya would tell her to relax if she was here, and she knows her sister is probably right. “Why do you want to know?” She questions, letting her eyes glue to the book open on the table. Maybe if she doesn’t offer Luna much attention she’ll let the subject die.

“I just told you, we’re friends and I’m painfully single.” Luna sighs dramatically and lays her head on the table in her arms again.

Lexa lets out an annoyed sigh. “It doesn’t matter, you may be painfully single but I’m painfully bad at talking to girls. So it’s never going to happen.” She flips the page in her book, but has to flip it back realizing she hadn’t read a single word, or consumed any information, due to Luna not only being invasive beside her, but incredibly loud.

Luna pops out her lower lip like she’s pouting. “Awe, don’t say that. Tell me who it is, maybe I can help.” She touches her again and Lexa frowns at the interaction.

She shakes her head. “Oh no, that’s… I don’t need help.” She meets Luna’s eyes and hopes the girl will start to take her seriously, but it only seems to pique her interest more.

“Come on Lex,” She whines.

Lexa wants to bang her head against the table. “Who do you think it is?” She changes tactics.

“You want to play guessing games?” Luna rolls her eyes.

“Sure, why not.” Lexa shrugs and leans back slightly in her seat, thinking she’s stumped Luna enough to have her change the subject and finally leave her alone about this.

“Um… I don’t know.” Luna whines further and Lexa rolls her eyes, slamming her book shut. “Just tell me and I promise I’ll shut up after.” So perhaps she is catching onto the fact that Lexa would really like to enjoy her book in the quiet.

She searches her brain for a second, looking for an answer that will satisfy the loud girl beside her and finally allow her some peace. It’s only a small fib, as Clarke always seems to think it’s Costia anyways, so what would it hurt, as long as Luna doesn’t tell anyone? “It’s Costia.”

“ _Costia_!” Luna looks at her likes it’s a scandal in and of itself. “Your roommate.” She says like she’s just received the most interesting information that Lexa could possibly give her.

She can’t help the glare forming on her face. “Yep.” Lexa pops the “p” feeling the lie heavy on her tongue. “And I swear to god if you ever say anything to her I will hunt you down and cut out your tongue.” She’s fed up, thinking maybe she should have just went to The Ark to study and read this morning, as Clarke would be there and at least than she could see her if she wasn’t going to get any quiet.

“Alright, alright jeez.” Luna sighs softly. “It’s not impossible though, why don’t you ask her out? I mean outside of her being your roommate and all, it could work out.” Luna shrugs and Lexa has to bite her tongue to resist the urge to audibly groan out her annoyance.

“No, I really can’t be caught up in dating right now.” Lexa licks at her lower lip and opens her book again.

“Well okay, but I think you guys would be kind of cute together.” Lexa wants to tell her she really doesn’t care what she thinks but also reframes from doing so.

Lexa only shrugs, hoping Luna will let the topic die. Eventually, when Lexa gives her no verbal answer, Luna changes the subject, but she doesn’t stop talking like Lexa had hoped and eventually she excuses herself, escaping as quickly as possible before Luna can follow her.

She really doesn’t have time to go to The Ark. Even if she wants to see Clarke, even if she’s been meaning to check it out and knows she can’t go with her sister. She has to meet Anya in an hour to walk to class with her, she really doesn’t have time.

It doesn’t stop her. She walks anyway, down the street, stopping at the front door to look in and sees that it’s actually pretty busy, with plenty of people she’s seen around campus, and even some of Clarke’s friends. She shouldn’t go in. She shouldn’t while they’re there, they won’t leave her alone.

But than she catches Clarke, at the counter, smiling brightly at some customer and looking absolutely gorgeous and she’s opening the door before she even realizes it. “Baby Woods!” Raven shouts from the back of the café and immediately Clarke’s head whips up from where she had been looking down at the counter as she whipped it after the customer she had been talking to had left to take a seat.

She smiles immediately and Lexa’s stomach flips, feeling her heart leap into her mouth. “Hi,” Lexa says softly as she approaches the counter.

Clarke’s eyes twinkle. “Hi,” She’s grinning so big and genuine that Lexa wishes she had a camera, to capture the image of her forever. “How can I help you today?” Her voice is soft and warm and raspy as always and Lexa can’t help her own smile, gracing her lips.

“I heard from someone that everyone from campus comes here but I’ve never been before so I don’t know what to order.”

Clarke giggles, actually giggles. “Well, do you like coffee?”

“I’m more of a tea kind of girl, but sometimes.”

“We have tea, lots of it.”

“What do you recommend then?”

“My personal favorite is The Vampire Slayer.” Clarke wiggles her eyebrows and turns briefly to point at it up on the menu.

“I’ll have one of those then.” She grins widely and Clarke for some reason starts to blush but nods her head.

“Can I have your name?” She teases, wiggling her eyebrows.

Lexa’s about to make a quip related to Buffy, but Raven is popping up beside her, no doubt to be obnoxious. “Baby Woods doesn’t know the rules Clarke.”

“Knock it off Raven.” Clarke’s smile immediately is replaced by a look of annoyance and Clarke writes Lexa’s name onto the cup.

“Did you not inform her that she’s not allowed here.”

“She’s perfectly allowed here.” Clarke’s voice is sharp and annoyed, and this seems to set some kind of irritation off in Raven who immediately glares at her friend.

“What’s your problem today?”

“Nothing, just leave her alone. If you’ll excuse me, I have a Vampire Slayer to make.” She offers Lexa a soft grin that doesn’t touch her eyes before she turns around and gets to work.

Raven huffs beside her. “You’re not allowed here.”

Lexa just raises her eyebrow at Raven, preferring not to speak and avoid the confrontation she’s trying to cause.

“Did you hear me?” Raven seems annoyed, but Lexa doesn’t really think it has to do with her this time.

Lexa isn’t exactly understanding today however, already having her buttons pushed once she only glares at Raven. “Please back up.” She says sharply and Raven glares at her.

“Just because you’re new doesn’t mean you can just come in here and-”

“Raven, she said back up.” Clarke returns with Lexa’s drink a firm glare on her face as well.

Raven’s jaw works as she pushes off the counter and turns back around to Clarke’s group, sitting back down instead of instigating more conflict. “I’m sorry.” Clarke says softly, sliding the tea along the surface toward Lexa.

“It’s okay, you did kind of warn me, how much?”

“$3.25 but don’t worry, I’ve got it.” She smiles sweetly, and Lexa stops looking for her cash.

“No, it’s okay let me pay.”

“No. I’ve got it, it’s the least I can do for loud mouth over there. I’m sorry Lex.” Lexa’s heart swells at the abbreviation of her already abbreviated name.

“I have to be going I just…” Lexa licks at her lower lip briefly and decides, as Clarke would say, to be bold. “Wanted to see you.” She smiles softly and watches the brief blush cross Clarke’s delicate features.

“See you tonight.” Clarke touches her hand briefly and Lexa blushes as well as she picks up her drink and makes her way to the exit. She glances behind her to see Clarke watching her leave and feels her heart pick up in pace.

She smiles as she pulls the door open, exiting and walking slowly down the sidewalk back to the university. She sips the drink and winces as she takes in the contents, _way too sweet_. It was worth it though.

 

***

 

Lexa pulls her dorm room door open that she had just gotten back to in search of her book bag and Anya immediately thrusts an umbrella into her hands. “I bought you an umbrella because you have yet to get one.” She states matter-of-factly, waiting on Lexa to take the item before she pushes past her and into the room.

“It doesn’t really rain here.” She says, tossing the umbrella onto her bed as she pulls the door shut and walks around her sister to check over her book bag.

“It’s just started to rain now.” Lexa rolls her eyes and thoroughly goes through her bag, checking off items in her head realizing she’s missing a few things and stuffs a few books needed for her next class in the bag, pulling them from her nightstand where they had stacked up the night before, and extra for her study session by herself in the library after class. “Hey Lex,”

She glances at her sister before going over her bag again and making sure she has everything. “Hmm?”

“Where do you go every evening? I know Thursday you have the study thing for Indra, but what about all the other nights?” Anya’s voice is soft and curious as she studies her sister from beside her.

“Oh I,” Lexa can feel the panic rising, the guilt already inevitably building because she has to lie, and she hates lying, especially to her sister. Most importantly she doesn’t know what lie to tell, as she for some reason didn’t prepare herself for this moment. She clears her throat and shuffles through the many thoughts in her head to find the best excuse that’s the smallest lie she can muster. “I study best when the sun is going down.” It’s a lame excuse, but it’ll have to do.

Anya briefly looks unconvinced. “You’re telling me, every evening you go somewhere to study?” She corks a curious brow and Lexa can feel the blush surfacing on her face before she can stop it.

She doesn’t meet her sister’s eye, afraid she’ll be able to see the lie. “Yes.”

“You’re such a dork, you are in dire need of a break from all these books.” Lexa lets out a soft sigh of relief and shrugs as she slings her bag over her right shoulder and grabs her phone of her nightstand table, slipping it into the front pocket of her jeans.

“I like books.” She’s heading toward the bedroom door when Anya grabs her arm to stop her and for a moment she thinks her sister has figured it out, knows she’s lying, knows there’s far more to it and Lexa will have failed at not just her attempt to cause peace between rivaling groups, but to get to know Clarke.

“You’re umbrella.” She states simply, and Lexa’s heart slows down for a minute.

She furrows her brows. “What?”

“Umbrella Lexa, my god, you’d die without me.” Anya grabs it off of where she had set it on the bed and shoves it into Lexa’s left hand, rolling her eyes playfully before she spins around and pulls the dorm room door open for them.

“Oh no it’s you.” Anya frowns as she finds Raven passing by, looking maybe as if she’s heading in the direction of someone else’s dorm.

“It’s always lovely to see you too babe.” Raven winks and Lexa wants to laugh but she doesn’t, preferring to stand behind Anya, placing her hand to the small of her sister’s back to comfort her. And maybe if she stays in the back Raven will not notice her and they won’t repeat the events at The Ark.

“Oh right, I forgot, baby Woods lives in this hall.” Raven glares at her slightly and releases a small huff and she finds that she wants to actually tell Raven to “fuck off” but she doesn’t.

Instead she bites her tongue and focuses on her sister, a soft “don’t call me that” escaping as her only fight, tamping down her frustration because right now is definitely not the time for confrontation. Sometimes she wishes she could be the immature one, Raven really grinding on her already grinded gears.

“You don’t like it? Raven playfully pouts at her looking delighted to be getting on Lexa’s nerves but the brunette frowns further, breaking her gaze from the girl’s as she feels her sister tense beside her.

She has to focus on Anya, not letting her anger get the best of her. “Would you move out of the way, we have a class to get to. And leave her alone.”

“Yeah, yeah whatever, wouldn’t want a big nerd like Lexa to fail.”

Lexa grabs her sister’s arm as she nearly lurches forward, which only seems to amuse Raven further, eyes twinkling brightly. Lexa has nothing to do with this anymore. It’s for the full sake of pissing Anya off and a piece of that information slightly irks on Lexa’s nerves even more so. “See you,” Raven waves, guessing she’s done her damage and trots off like life is dandy.

Anya glares at her back until she can’t see her anymore.

Lexa moves to catch Anya’s attention and take it off of Raven. “Hey, everything is fine okay, she’s just trying to get to you. Remember?” She reminds her softly, rubbing her back lightly in a motion that she hopes is somewhat comforting.

Anya is frowning. “I wish she’d stop using you to do it.” She bites and Lexa smiles at her sympathetically.

“I’m okay, I can handle it. What’s important is that you’re okay.” She says honestly, trying to meet her sister’s eye.

“Lexa, you-”

“Hey.” She brushes a few strands of her sister’s hair behind her ear. “How about I hang out with you this evening? We haven’t got to do that Harry Potter marathon yet?” She offers softly, watching as her sister lets out a soft breath.

Anya relaxes a bit as she steps out of the room with Lexa, the brunette turning around to shut and lock the door. “I can’t tonight.” Her sister is frowning when she turns back around, something growing distant in her eyes and Lexa’s heart picks up a beat.

“That’s okay, tomorrow?” She offers, a soft smile on her face for her sister. Hoping to distract her from her own troubling thoughts.

“Okay.” Anya answers quietly.

“I promise, I’ll be there.” She touches her sister’s hand and squeezes it to get her eyes to lift and meet her own.

Lexa feels somewhat happy when a small dose of light is added back to them. “Thanks Lexa.”

“I love you.” She tells her and Anya smiles, briefly, not by much, but briefly.

“Ugh emotions, come on we have classes to get to.” She squeezes Lexa’s hand back though before they part and begin to walk down the hall toward the exit to the building.

 

***

 

Lexa’s normal habit of glancing at Clarke every few seconds is of course not broken on this day, she just thinks she’s managing to somehow be less noticeable about it this time. The soft breeze and slight chill in the air makes her sit closer than normal, but Lexa pretends not to notice that fact.

Clarke is so very focused on the shading of her drawing, and the color she’s adding, and Lexa doesn’t want to interrupt her, she hasn’t even glanced up very many times. Only very few to take her reference and damn is she beautiful when she’s so engrossed. Lexa could stare at her all day but she’s well aware that, that might be kind of creepy so she’s avoiding the urge.

Lexa’s not even sure how long they sit in silence, only Clarke’s pencils and the light breeze accompanying them to fill the silence, a detail Lexa’s getting used to whenever she comes to this hill with Clarke. She’s never been so content to sit in silence with someone the way that she is with Clarke, despite all her nerves and awkward conversation starters Clarke never makes her feel bizarre. Lexa doesn’t know what it is, she just knows that she loves it, not that she’d ever actually voice that out loud.

The sun is almost gone before Clarke even bothers speaking to her and Lexa has lost herself in thought, staring at the disappearing act the sun pulls every night. She doesn’t even hear her at first and it’s not until she feels Clarke’s touch on the palm of her hand that’s leaning against the wood of the table to hold herself up that she can even pull herself from her own quiet contemplations.

She jumps, and Clarke is grinning widely at her. “Some deep thinking you’re doing.” Her gaze is so soft and light, untroubled like they get when others are around, or how they normally seem to be, just on a regular day. Lexa wishes she knew what thoughts go through Clarke’s head that keep her so far hidden behind her walls.

Lexa blushes and sure enough that only makes Clarke grin wider. “Sorry.” She mumbles quietly.

“Don’t be sorry, what were you thinking about?” Clarke is flipping her notebook shut, the current pencil in between her fingers lifted and placed behind her left ear before she sets aside the notebook on the wood of the table and seems to scoot even closer to Lexa.

Her scent is clearer with her so close and Lexa looks away from her as she tries hard to tell herself to not noticeably breathe it in. The last thing she needs is to be caught sniffing her like a weirdo. Clarke seems to like her, she doesn’t want to ruin it. “Nothing um… interesting.” She mumbles softly, tangling her fingers together.

“That girl?” Clarke asks and Lexa’s heart leaps into her throat at her tone. It sounds different, questioning with something else hidden in it.

Lexa wonders if Clarke has thought about “that girl” a lot when it comes to Lexa. She wonders what she thinks when they talk about it. “What?” She swallows, and Clarke seems to find this kind of funny, a soft chuckle leaving her lips as she tips her head to the right to study Lexa.

“The girl you think you can’t get to fall in love with you without my help?” She seems amused as Lexa’s heart rate speeds up.

“Oh,” Lexa’s blush runs deeper. “Yes.” Because it’s not a lie, she was thinking about her.

It always feels a bit ironic when Clarke brings her up first. She’d love to ask Clarke how she feels on helping her with this situation, she’d love to insinuate a little bit more who she’s looking to impress, but she doesn’t. Instead she washes the urge back. “Tell me what you think about her, well I mean, more of what you think about her?” Clarke asks thoughtfully, she’s studying the side of her face as Lexa avoids looking at her, unsure that looking into her eyes while talking about this is a clever idea.

“What do you want to know?” She asks instead.

Clarke rolls her eyes, though her amused smirk remains. “You suck at answering questions… what’s she like?” She wonders if Clarke can see her sneaking glances from the corner of her eye.

“Um, I haven’t known her very long.” She mumbles quietly, her hands fiddling together as she stares at them, trying hard not to look at Clarke despite the urge.

Clarke rolls her eyes. “Okay, objectively what is she like?”

Lexa sighs and adjusts on the bench, parting her hands to reposition a little more comfortably as she looks back out at the sky before she’s bringing her hands back together and wringing her fingers with each other again, staring down at them. “ _Pretty_.” She’s almost sure Clarke can’t hear her say it over the breeze. She can’t think of a better word to describe her, well, there’s probably plenty, metaphors and phrases and even similes that would work but for some reason it was the first one that came to mind and the first word to leave her lips.

Clarke laughs. “I guess that’s objective, but I mean, personality.” Clarke swings her left hand around as if she’s painting an image for an example, so Lexa understands her question.

But Lexa understood her question the moment she asked it, she nods. “Yeah she’s… so pretty. Her mind.” She offers honestly, finally meeting Clarke’s eyes with the fading sunlight glinting into the blue in front of them… _so pretty_.

Clarke looks at her very seriously for a second, contemplating what she’s said, and Lexa is almost scared she can see through her again, see the confession she hasn’t even spoken, written down in her eyes, maybe across her forehead. She feels so obvious, so damn open all the time because how do you look at Clarke Griffin and not feel like giving her the entire world? “Huh,” She says in deep thought and Lexa goes to ask “what” but she’s talking again before she gets the chance. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard that before.”

Lexa licks at her lower lip and is aware Clarke watches the action this time. “Can I ask you something?” She mumbles shyly, which seems to pique Clarke’s interests even more.

“Yes, of course you can.” She encourages softly with a slightly raised eyebrow.

“If the, asking her out thing that you had said earlier doesn’t work… what should I do?”

“If you mean rejection, you should move on because we all deserve to be with someone that wants to be with us.”

“That’s not what I mean. I mean if she doesn’t get it, if she thinks it’s a friend thing and I’ve chickened out and said it’s a friend thing, what do I do?” Her hands tighten together as she keeps Clarke’s gaze on her own.

Clarke bites her lip a minute before she adjusts in her seat, turning her full body to Lexa and placing her undivided attention on her. “Okay, so she thinks it a friend date, so either you can be bold and tell her that it’s not, or, if you’re afraid and you’d prefer she makes the move because you’re shy Lexa, so I highly doubt your going to be the bold one here, you can drop hints.” Clarke always seems so invested when she gives her advice, like she’s genuinely interested in whatever outcome Lexa could possibly end up having based on her advice.

She thinks it’s kind of sweet that Clarke genuinely wants to help her, despite having made a deal for it. “Hints?”

“You don’t just want to date her, you want to get close to her, you want her to trust you right?”

“Yes.” She answers almost timidly.

“Okay, so maybe while you’re on this friend date, do things that maybe friends wouldn’t do.” Clarke shrugs, her hands moving with her words again. Lexa watches them before she’s looking into her eyes again and she feels her stomach swoop when Clarke’s eyes seem to dip down to her lips, watching her lick them to wet them.

“What kind of things?” She asks, nearly hoping Clarke will demonstrate like she had the time before, even if she isn’t sure her heart could take something like that.

“You’re adorable when you don’t know what to do.” Clarke giggles, eyes twinkling and smile wide.

Lexa’s blush is immediate and persistent. “Shut up.” She whispers, looking away from Clarke long enough to will herself to gain some composure on the heart beginning to rapidly beat in her chest. _Why does it always have to do that?_

“Say something like that.” Clarke grins and Lexa is still blushing, licking at her lower lip again as she takes in her words.

“Call her adorable?” She asks unsure.

“Yeah, but casually.” Clarke slips closer to Lexa so that her knees are almost pressing to Lexa’s thigh. She pretends the proximity isn’t affecting her. “And any opportunity you have to get closer to her, do it.” Clarke encourages quietly, her smile drops a bit as she seems to gaze into Lexa’s eyes as if she’s trying to communicate something, but Lexa is unsure of exactly what she’s trying to say.

She shakes her head slightly. “What if she’s giving off vibes?”

“Make sure those vibes are real and not just in your pretty head.” Clarke taps her pointer finger to the center of Lexa’s temple and the brunette can’t help but giggle slightly.

Clarke’s grin grows wide and touches her eyes at the sound and it’s so beautiful. “You have a pretty smile.” She blurts, and Clarke seems taken aback by the compliment.

But she recovers quickly, her grin turning mischievous. “Sure, you can practice lines on me Lexa.” She teases.

Lexa’s heart sinks at that. The last thing she wants is for Clarke to think that the “lines” which is only just the thoughts in her head, are being used for the benefit of practice when really, she just can’t help but tell Clarke her thoughts. “No that’s wasn’t,” She goes to explain but Clarke cuts her off.

“Also, subtle touches.” Clarke reaches over and brushes the locks of Lexa’s hair behind her ear very lightly.

Lexa’s heart falters greatly inside of her chest, she thinks maybe it’s unnatural. “ _Touches_ …” She whispers. She thinks she sounds pathetic and wishes she could get some kind of grip. Clarke is too pretty, and Lexa is too gay for this.

“With consent to touch of course.” She smiles softly. “Kiss her on the cheek when you part, but closer to the lips, nearly the corner of her mouth.” Clarke taps Lexa’s cheek where she’s suggesting with the tip of her finger and the brunette finds she’s holding her breath.

“Really?” She asks, hesitant.

“Yes, if she’s not giving you those vibes you are worried about and she’s welcoming your touches, you can kiss her cheek.” Clarke’s amused highly by her lack of knowledge when it comes to this subject. That’s easy and clear to see but she doesn’t make fun of her, or even seem like she amused for the benefit of making fun of her.

Maybe Clarke really does think she’s adorable, that thought makes her belly swoop. “What do I do if she does all that stuff to me?”

Clarke’s smile is so gentle that Lexa wishes she could trace the edges of her lips with her fingertips. “Then maybe she’s as shy as you and one of you needs to get brave and ask to kiss the other.” She wiggles her eyebrows and Lexa almost laughs, would laugh if her brain didn’t shut down at that word.

 _Kiss, kiss,_ “ _kiss_ …” She can feel the air leave her lungs as an image of leaning forward and pressing her lips to Clarke’s shuffles through her head. She tries to tamp it down, but the image is there, unwilling to leave her alone.

“Ask though,” Clarke holds up her finger as if they’re moving and she needs her to wait a moment. “I always think it’s necessary to ask a girl if you can kiss her before you do.” She nods her head after that, her right hand brushing strands of blonde hair behind her right ear, free of the pencil.

“Every time?”

Clarke laughs, loud and unrestrained, hand on her heart as she settles down. “My god you are adorable, it depends on the situation Lexa but if you’re kissing a girl a lot, you probably won’t have to ask every time.” She rolls her eyes playfully as Lexa’s heart falters on the word “adorable” yet again. The thought that Clarke really does think she’s adorable only makes her blush.

“Right,” Lexa blushes further, embarrassed.

There’s a brief bout of silence as Lexa lets her eyes travel back to the sunset, mind over analyzing Clarke’s interactions with her and trying to think about how she can properly incorporate the things Clarke has said to do without seeming weird. She gets lost awhile, until she feels Clarke touching her hands still tangled together to grab her attention again. “Have you ever had a girlfriend Lexa?” She asks her and Lexa’s heart speeds up with Clarke’s curiosity.

 _Why would she ask that?_ “Yes, one.” She answers honestly, blushing slightly because she knows it’s a rather oddly small number for a twenty-year-old. At least, that’s what Anya always says.

Clarke scoffs. “Are you kidding?” She sounds shocked and it just makes Lexa feel even more embarrassed because Clarke probably thinks she’s lame now.

Lexa shakes her head. “No.” She mumbles quietly, shy and unwilling to meet Clarke’s gaze now as it bores into the side of her head.

“One girlfriend? YOU!?” Clarke eyes are wide with the information when Lexa finally does look up at her, it makes Lexa crack a wide smile. “I can’t believe this; the entire world has been sleeping on you.” Clarke pushes her right hand through her hair again as if distressed and she can’t help the way her heart remains at a steady hard rhythm in her chest.

“Sleeping on me?” She asks with slight confusion.

“Not appreciating you.” Clarke’s head turns to the right slightly as she studies her, widely scrutinizing, something Lexa would blush about if she hadn’t gotten so used to Clarke always looking at her like she’s her own work of art. “You think I’m just being nice, don’t you?”

“I thought I was the nice one.” She teases, shoulders relaxing slightly.

Clarke laughs. “Yes, you are.” Lexa’s hair as fallen back into place and Clarke takes that opportunity to again, push her fingers through the side of Lexa’s hair, seemingly distracting herself from her own thoughts as she does so, watching the strands of hair like they’re paint colors.

Lexa’s heart feels like it might explode inside of her. “Clarke.” She mumbles nervously, and it seems to snap Clarke out of whatever mixed emotions are suddenly crossing her mind.

Her guard coming back up, Lexa can see it as it builds. “Yes?” She swallows, and Lexa feels suddenly nervous, like maybe this moment is holding some kind of tension filled opportunity and she should take it’s offering but she doesn’t know what to do with it.

She can only stare, for a long time, into pretty blue eyes as they look into her own. And Lexa really doesn’t know how much time goes by like that until the blonde is clearing her thoughts and breaking the silence. “Yes, Lexa?”

Lexa blinks a moment, trying to remember what she was about to say. She furrows her brows together in brief thought. “How many girlfriends have you had?” She’s sure the number is far more than hers. Whether or not Clarke’s reputation is true or not, it won’t be hard to beat her when it comes to experience.

Clarke blushes, really blushes and looks away from her. “Girlfriends… like dating?” Now she seems like she’s the quiet, shy one, and this really piques Lexa’s interests.

 _Why would she be shy about this?_ “Yeah.”

Clarke bites her bottom lip. “I um, I’ve never… had a girlfriend I’ve only… I don’t really do relationships.” She says honestly, that wall is built high now, her eyes losing that sparkle like she’s expecting Lexa to say something that she’s not going to like.

Lexa feels her heart falter. “Why?” She doesn’t mean to sound disappointed and hopes she’s masked it okay.

Clarke won’t meet her eyes now, but Lexa isn’t sure if it’s because she’s embarrassed as her blush seems to demonstrate or if it’s because of something a lot deeper than that. “Let’s just say, dating never works out for me.” She shrugs avoiding her gaze.

Lexa smiles slightly, almost sympathetically but she thinks better of it. “That’s okay.”

Clarke looks at her with a raised eyebrow. “What?”

“Dating isn’t for everybody.” She tries for nonchalant, even though her hope has managed to plummet an unusual amount in a small span of time.

Clarke smiles briefly. “No, it isn’t… are you sure you and Anya are related?”

“Adopted.” She answers with a chuckle.

“Still.”

Lexa lets out a soft sigh, feeling the need to explain and defend her sister a bit. “Anya she… she’s just got a way of thinking and she’s got her own… head to deal with.” She’s doing a terrible job at explaining, because mostly saying anything personal about Anya is off limits to Clarke. At the end of the day the two are still rivals.

Clarke chuckles. “So, you don’t… care?”

Lexa furrows her brows, the only thing she cares about is her lack of chance. “Why would I care who you date or don’t date?” Lexa doesn’t like the way it sounds when it leaves her mouth, it’s not quite what she means.

Clarke backs away from her slightly, she doesn’t like that either. “Right.” Clarke laughs but there’s nothing really in it, Lexa wishes she could rewind and find a better way to say what she had meant. “Normally people like sticking their nose in my business to be honest.” Clarke scoffs, seemingly a little annoyed with that fact. “Even my friends.”

“Why? It’s not like it’s weird, doing the… hook up thing.” She waves her hands around a bit, unsure of technically what else to say.

Clarke sighs heavily. “I don’t even sleep around that much though.” She says almost sounding annoyed.

Lexa frowns. “Have you never dated?”

Clarke chuckles a bit, but like her other laugh, this one lacks anything real. “No, I’ve dated before. I had a boyfriend in high school.” She doesn’t meet Lexa’s gaze as she says it, and Lexa knows by the highly built walls that she probably won’t be getting any information about that today.

“Did you stop dating after him?” She asks anyway.

“Yes, I stopped a lot of things after him actually.” Clarke smiles briefly but again it’s not touching her eyes. “Anyways enough of that, so how has it actually been going with this girl? We should make up a name for her if you don’t want me to know her real name.”

Lexa adjust on top of the picnic table. “I don’t think that’s necessary.”

“Sure it is, do I just keep calling her “that girl” because that’s no fun.” Clarke’s smirk is back and her eyes are back on Lexa. They still lack that twinkle that Lexa loves urging out of her, but she decides she’ll let the topics that had caused Clarke to hide, die.

“Seems fine to me.” She shrugs.

“You are stubborn.” Lexa lets out a laugh, Clarke moves closer to her again, having adjusted so her thigh presses against Lexa’s thigh.

Lexa almost can’t breathe at the contact. “How about, you come up with something and I’ll say no if I hate it?”

“I feel like you’re just going to say no to everything.” She laughs, a real laugh this time.

“You should trust me more.” Lexa says without thinking, looking down at her fingers again that tangle together.

Clarke’s fingers are back in her hair, brushing back locks of brown hair. Lexa tries not to shiver to the brush of her fingertips on her ear. “Maybe I do.”

Lexa looks up from her hands to meet soft blue eyes again and her heart flutters in her chest unusually, a soft thud that gets heavier the longer Clarke’s fingers comb through her hair. This crush is getting so bad.

 

***

 

They leave the hill much later than normal, the sun very far gone, nearly midnight, far too late for Lexa to still be up yet again. She’s lucky she doesn’t have to work like Clarke does, she can’t imagine how Clarke must feel on so little sleep.

She’s aware of how close she’s walking to Clarke, her hand brushing Clarke’s every once in awhile like she’s waiting for some kind of move, she can’t tell if it’s an accident on her part or if she really just wants to hold her hand. Clarke doesn’t seem to be taking notice and even if she is, she doesn’t seem uncomfortable.

They’re both quiet again, as they make it to the bottom of the hill, brushing hands and shoulders every other step. Lexa’s heart is beating so hard she’s almost positively sure that the dead themselves can hear it.

When they stop at the bottom of the steps she thinks her heart rate only gets louder and she has no idea how to tame it, turning her attention to Clarke and stepping into her space. Clarke doesn’t look shocked this time, at Lexa’s abrupt closeness like she had the last time. She almost seems to welcome it, head tilting to the side as she studies Lexa’s face, as if she’s trying to read her mind.

She fears so much that Clarke already can. “Goodnight Clarke.” She says, her voice lower than she was expecting and she licks at her lower lip nervously. Clarke watches it, mouth parting briefly and her left-hand twitching. The furrow of her brow back as some thought is running deeply in her brain, taking over her for a second and Lexa thinks she sways closer to her.

She recovers after a moment but still looks a little lost. “Goodnight Lexa.”

Lexa goes in before she really has time to think about it, leaning down and pressing a soft kiss near the corner of Clarke’s mouth and a soft sound leaves the blonde that Lexa wishes she could hear forever.

It’s surprise but she’s not tense, in fact, she looks like she’s about to grab Lexa’s face and shove her against the nearest wall. The thought turns Lexa’s stomach pleasantly and she has to try her hardest to tamp it down, bury it so it doesn’t enter her supposedly expressive eyes.

Lexa thinks she’s too late though, by the way Clarke is looking at her. “ _Fuck_ ,” Clarke grumbles and Lexa doesn’t get it at first but soon the blonde is backing up from her. “Gotta go, early morning tomorrow.” She briefly touches Lexa’s hand, as if to reassure her and then she’s taking off, retreating so fast that the flutter and loud pound of Lexa’s heart dulls immediately.

She frowns, and once Clarke is gone she thinks maybe she shouldn’t have done that. She’s nervous now, that she’s upset her and made her uncomfortable and she’s pulling out her phone to text her an apology when Lincoln shows up beside her making her jump briefly.

“Hey there Lex, so you and Clarke huh?” He’s grinning brightly at her.

She only feels even more panic. “Oh, no, we, uh, I,”

“Relax, I won’t tell anyone, I have a secret too.”

Lexa raises her eyebrow curiously. “Oh?”

“Follow me.” He nods his head in the direction of the gym and begins walking, Lexa follows him, unsure and still worried that she had messed up with Clarke.

 

***

 

“Linc, really I have to be getting to bed, it’s way too late and-”

“Just spend a moment Lex.”

“I really don’t feel like kicking anyone’s ass right now.”

Lincoln lets out an amused laugh. “No doubt you could, but no, you don’t have to, I just want you to meet someone… well re-meet someone.”

“Okay.” Lexa sighs heavily passing the threshold of the gym as Lincoln opens the door for her. She follows him down the stairs toward the locked door at the bottom, which he uses his keycard to open. This time, the room is full and loud. Lots of people talking amongst themselves and training with different equipment. There’s a lot more people than she had expected, and she spends a second just taking it in.

“Lincoln!” She snaps her head up and watches as a young woman jumps into Lincoln’s arms, smiling widely and kissing him gently to greet him. He laughs and looks happy. It’s only when he sets her down that Lexa recognizes her.

“Octavia?” She asks, mostly because she isn’t sure if that’s right.

“Hi Lexa, Lincoln’s been telling me he’s been trying to get you to come!” Octavia’s grin is wide and calm. She’s warm and welcoming and nothing at all like other members of Clarke’s group. She seems friendlier, perhaps that mostly has to do with Lincoln, but her pleasantness is welcome and refreshing compared to Lexa’s encounters she often has with Raven.

“Oh she’s not here to stay, just to check it out.” He’s smiling at his girlfriend before he glances at Lexa, communicating with her through his eyes that this is his secret too.

Her heart swells slightly. This must be the person Clarke helped Octavia with. _That girl really is something else._ “The only reason I trust him about you is because you look like you can kick my ass but I’m not afraid of you.” Octavia says with a teasing grin in her direction, a twinkle to soft eyes and a slight excitement she must feel to be in her element.

Lexa laughs. “Maybe we’ll see who’s better sometime?” She’s surprised at her own openness, but Octavia is making this easy.

“That would be great, Lincoln’s no longer a challenge.” She nudges her boyfriend teasingly with her elbow, grinning widely at him when playfully rolls his eyes at her.

“Hey.” Lincoln feigns offense and Octavia only smiles at him brightly, leaning up on tip-toes to kiss him briefly.

Someone calls Octavia from across the gym and she glances behind her fleetingly before letting off a sigh. “Well, I hope you decide you want to come back Lexa, I’d love to spare, see you.” She smiles kindly and jogs across the area to where the person had called her, Lexa watches her go before grinning slightly at Lincoln who is already grinning himself.

“How long?” She asks curiously.

Lincoln’s smile seems to stay. “A year.” He says it like it’s been the best year of his life and Lexa feels her heart swell with happiness for her friend.

“I won’t tell Anya.” She mumbles with a chuckle.

“I didn’t figure you would.” He laughs.

“I don’t think she’d care though.” And she really doesn’t. Octavia wasn’t the main source of discomfort from Clarke’s group and if she was always this nice than why would Anya be upset that her friend has found someone to be happy with? She knows this feud is weird and complicated in its own way when it comes to her sister, but she also knows her sister cares about her friends. She thinks she’d be happy for Lincoln.

“Maybe not, but Octavia and Clarke are very close.” Lincoln informs her, and Lexa can’t say he’s not right.

Even of the little amount of time she’s spent getting to know Clarke, she’s well aware that Clarke has a few friends she cares about, bringing them up in conversation quite often. “Yeah, I kind of know.” It’s hard to miss, if Clarke helped Octavia get with Lincoln, they must be close.

“How long for you?”

Lexa frowns briefly, goes to tell Lincoln their situations aren’t the same, but instead she just says. “The day we met.”

 

***

 

Lincoln walks her out, and she lets him. They don’t say much but just as Lexa is saying goodnight he says; “If you and Clarke would ever like to double date sometime-”

Lexa clears her throat. “I don’t think so, we’re not actually… dating.” She doesn’t look at him as she says it, figuring the way her heart skips at even the mere thought of _dating_ Clarke Griffin would not allow her to conceal the emotion properly if Lincoln could see her eyes.

“Oh really? I mean I know Clarke doesn’t really date but it looked like you kissed her, and I just thought,”

“We’re not dating, we’re just friends.” She insists more firmly. Once she thinks she finally has control of her heart rate she looks up from the ground to meet her friend’s eyes.

“Just friends?” He looks highly amused at that one, corking an eyebrow with a twinkle in his gaze and Lexa doesn’t know why she wants to fight this but she nods her head.

“Yes, just friends. Secret friends because Anya would kick my ass.” It’s not a lie. They remain only friends, secret friends, whether Lexa wants or doesn’t want more than that with Clarke is irrelevant to the conversation.

He laughs. “No doubt about that, but… I don’t know. Maybe it would be different if you told her how you felt about Clarke and-”

She shakes her head, looking to shut this down and not be so transparent with her damn feelings. “I don’t feel anything, we’re friends.” Her voice is a lot more stern after that, showing that she’s not interested in where this conversation is going. Her mind wandering back to the kiss she had placed on Clarke’s cheek before the blonde had promptly run from her afterward.

Lincoln just gives her a look, like nothing she could say would ever convince him of what is so damn obvious.

She knows she can’t, but she can still try. “Really, we’re just friends.” She licks at her lower lip almost in frustration that Lincoln still looks greatly unconvinced.

“Okay, just friends. If you ever want to come out with us, it would be fun, think about it?” She touches her shoulder briefly to keep her attention, his gaze soft and friendly as he tries to encourage her to double date with him and Octavia. She has no doubt that it would be fun, she just doesn’t think that she’d ever actually get the chance.

“I guess, I don’t know that Clarke wants to do that.” She shrugs, trying to conceal her disappointment from appearing on her face at the thought that Clarke might never want to date her, whether that be just a friend date or not. She had runaway so fast. Lexa should have slowed down, after their conversation it was clear that Clarke must not be interested in anyone in that way. She’ll have to make up for it somehow.

“Right, ask your girlfriend first.” Lincoln grins widely as Lexa glares at him.

“Shut up, I’m going home now.” She rolls her eyes as she turns her back on her friend and begins to head back into the direction of her dorm.

“Goodnight Lexa, come back soon?” He calls after her.

She turns around, walking backward. “Maybe,” She waves to him and turns back around heading toward her destination as her thoughts head toward Clarke. It’s far too late, she can feel it in the way her eyes want to close even as she walks. She pulls her phone out to look at the time and her heart thuds briefly at Clarke’s name.

 **Clarke (12:32 A.M.):** I dropped my favorite pencil :(

 **Lexa (2:05 A.M.):** I’ll find it for you.

And she does, heading back to the end of the hill, scouring the ground. She finds it halfway up, the middle step where Lexa’s hand had brushed Clarke’s for the first time and she picks it up, noticing teeth marks at the edge of it. She smiles, her thumb trailing over it briefly before she starts heading back to her dorm, making sure to place the pencil in a safe place in her bag so she doesn’t forget about it or lose it herself.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does... Clarke get jealous in this chapter??? Maybe, maybe not. :)
> 
> Hope you like the update and thank you so much to everyone commenting and reading.   
> I'm haven't been doing the best at answering comments, but really they all help and are motivational. I like seeing what you think so go ahead and keep dropping them and I'm trying to be better about answering. :)

Lexa lets out a heavy sigh, the sun peeking through the curtain Costia had left open after she left this morning. She pouted squinting her eyes open at it, annoyed that she had to get up to shut it. Her lack of sleep over the past few days was taking its toll on her finally, opting to skip out on a morning run and just sleep in.

She pushed herself out of her bed to close the curtain and flopped back down on the mattress with a sigh, closing her eyes only to be alerted by the vibrations of her phone on the charger placed on the nightstand table beside her bed.

She groans and rolls over onto her side, blindly snatching for her phone on the nightstand and pulling the device toward her, pushing the button so the screen lights up. She sits up as she reads Clarke’s name, her heart already setting off on that chase it loves to do for the blonde.

**Clarke (7:01 A.M.):** Good morning, wanna get breakfast?

Lexa nibbled at her own bottom lip as she stared at the message. An immediate “yes” had almost been the reply she sent but she erased it, not wanting to seem too eager.

**Lexa (7:02 A.M.):** It’s Saturday, my bed is comfy

**Clarke (7:02 A.M.):** Get breakfast with me :(

**Lexa (7:03 A.M.):** Are you pouting?

**Clarke (7:03 A.M.):** I’m hungry, I’m paying??

**Lexa (7:04 A.M.):** You don’t have to pay, I’ll come

**Clarke (7:04 A.M.):** I’ll wait for you, I may or may not already be outside your building.

**Lexa (7:05 A.M.):** Just couldn’t wait to see me again?

**Clarke (7:05 A.M.):** Ha ha funny, get your ass out of bed I’m starving

**Lexa (7:06 A.M.):** Snippy, maybe if you ask nicely.

**Clarke (7:06 A.M.):** Lexaaaa

**Lexa (7:07 A.M.):** Give me ten minutes

Lexa’s heart was racing through her entire morning routine, and it definitely took her more than ten minutes to get ready. Deciding between two different outfits and then eventually throwing them both away was a minor setback.

_Was this a date?_ No, Clarke had told her she doesn’t date just the day before. This wouldn’t be a date to Clarke, this is most likely a friend thing… but Lexa can work with a friend thing. Clarke had told her a few things to do after all, and so far, the only time Clarke’s really reacted negatively is when she ran away last night… perhaps she should slow down. Clarke seems interested, but her not being into dating makes Lexa think she should take things slower, just a little bit. Less touching, more conversation… the thing she’s never been the best at.

At least for flirting that is.

It’s about thirty minutes that go by before she’s ready, her favorite jeans on that she knows make her butt look good and she’s skipping out of her dorm before she can manage to become indecisive about something else.

Clarke is leaning against a pillar to her right, staring at her phone when Lexa finally emerges from the building. The blonde greets her with a wide smile and pushes off the wall, but Lexa holds out Clarke’s favorite pencil before she says anything. “Believe you lost this?” She grins widely, teeth showing, eyes twinkling.

Clarke seems to admire her a moment. “I thought you’d make me beg for it.” Clarke teases, wiggling her eyebrows in a way that makes Lexa’s cheeks heat up in a slight pink tone before she’s snatching the pencil from the brunette. “Thank you.” She says softer, pushing the pencil in her hair and behind her left ear.

“Isn’t that how you lost it last time?” Lexa observes, still smiling as she takes in Clarke’s soft features in the morning. Her hair is in that bun again.

“Normally I know when it falls out. Ready?” Clarke tilts her head to the right as if quizzing her, that playful smirk on her face.

“Yes, where are we going?”

“It’s a place by the gym, I’m guessing you haven’t been there either.” She teases, nudging her with her elbow as they begin to walk away from the building, heading toward the street.

Lexa glances at Clarke but tries to keep her gaze contained. “Is it another territory place?”

“Territory?” Clarke’s eyebrow shoots up as she glances at Lexa, but she catches on quickly. “OH, you mean, no. It’s just small. I hardly ever see anyone from campus go there.” She waves her hand dismissively.

“That must be why we’re going there.”

Clarke scoffs. “Only partly, secret friendship and all, we can’t be caught eating together. But I really like it.” The blonde admits softly, smiling shyly at Lexa whenever the brunette braves a look in her direction.

“Okay.” Lexa shrugs and they walk in silence for a bit, Lexa keeping a proper amount of distance between them so as not to alarm Clarke with the same brushes of her hand that she had done the night before. She still doesn’t really know what happened, Clarke’s acting as if it didn’t happen at all, maybe that’s what she wants though Lexa has a strong urge to bring it up.

“Where did you find the pencil?” Clarke asks after a moment, clearing her throat like she wants to be saying something else.

“Halfway up the hill.” Lexa looks down at the sidewalk instead of at Clarke, ignoring the urge to ask Clarke why she had run away from her so quickly, maybe even apologize for having made her uncomfortable. She must have if she ran away like that.

“Thanks for going to find it for me.” Clarke says quietly, and Lexa isn’t aware that Clarke has moved closer to her until she feels the brush of Clarke’s fingertips against the top of her hand.

She nearly jumps, but manages not to, only glancing down briefly to see the end of the interaction. When she looks up at Clarke she’s expecting to see her twinkly blue gaze on her, but it’s not, instead just trained ahead of them. Lexa is confused and the question she has in her head is on the tip of her tongue but finds she can’t manage to voice it and instead looks back down at her feet. “It’s no problem.” She says instead.

“Lex,” Lexa’s heart tumbles when Clarke grabs her hand and pulls her to a stop, turning to look at her and meeting soft blue eyes. “Tell me who the girl is?” It’s phrased like a question, because Lexa can say “no” but by the soft look in caerulean eyes she knows Clarke really wants to know.

Maybe she would tell her if she knew how it would work out, but Lexa has no idea how Clarke would react based of her running away from her the night before. She breaks their gazes apart, pulls her hand from Clarke’s gentle grasp and immediately misses the warmth. “Can’t do that.” She states simply and begins to walk again.

“Why?” Clarke’s tone is almost whiny and child-like, which Lexa finds endearing and can’t help but smile at.

“Just can’t.” She shrugs.

Clarke lets out a soft sigh beside her, clearly pouting. “I understand, I won’t laugh or anything though, if that’s what you think. And if it’s Costia, I’m not going to give you a spiel about it being your roommate or something. I’m just here to help.” Clarke touches her upper arm briefly but the contact is fleeting, despite how Lexa craves it.

Lexa laughs. “It’s not Costia.” She always finds some amusement in Clarke believing that it’s her roommate. She supposes she can understand the logic, as Costia is gorgeous and Lexa would be lying if she didn’t find her incredibly attractive and quite interesting to be around. But attractive or not wasn’t exactly the case here. It definitely wasn’t Costia.

“No?” Clarke questions unconvincingly.

Lexa shakes her head. “No.”

“If it was, you still wouldn’t tell me though, would you?” The blonde accuses, crossing her arms along her chest, she’s still pouting. Lexa finds her adorable, so adorable she wants to tell her that, wants to urge the words out but she’s decided to bite her tongue on anything like that lately, until she can figure out a little bit more of what Clarke is thinking. If flirting makes her uncomfortable, she’s not going to do it.

Lexa after a long moment only shrugs.

This causes Clarke to huff loudly beside her and Lexa’s cracking a smirk on the verge of laughing. “Okay well… let’s make a deal.” Her voice is stern with determination, her eyebrows knitting together as she thinks through whatever is shuffling through her head, often the way she looks whenever she’s drawing Lexa.

It’s cute that she wants to know so bad, but Lexa wonders why she’s so curious about it. “A deal?”

Clarke pulls her to a stop again. “If I manage to guess who it is, you tell me if I’m right.”

Lexa thinks about it a moment, examining the features of Clarke’s face. She for some reasons finds it to be a low chance that Clarke will ever guess who it is, if she hasn’t already. As Clarke has always said, it only gets mixed up if you want to get it mixed up and if Clarke is mixing it up, perhaps that’s just the way she wants it to be. “Okay.” Lexa shrugs and turns around to continue walking.

Clarke takes a moment to catch up to her after taking in her reply. “Just like that you agree?” She sounds shocked and Lexa bites her cheek as to not laugh at her again.

“You’ll never guess it, so yeah.” She shrugs, pretty sure about this one.

“I’m pretty good at this kind of stuff you know, that’s why you came to me.” The blonde seems slightly offended that Lexa lacks belief in her guessing skills.

The brunette chuckles. “You’re good at flirting, that does not mean you’re good at guessing.”

Clarke groans, hands pressing to her face. “Why won’t you just tell me, it’s driving me crazy.” She whines, and she’s back to the little kid pout again.

She’s really quite adorable. “Is it really?”

“Well no, only when I think about it.” Clarke loops her arm into Lexa’s and the brunette tries not to blush at the contact. “But we’re friends, don’t you trust me?”

Lexa chuckles. “You can’t manipulate me into telling you, you made a deal, you have to stick to it.”

“Poo, and manipulate, such a strong, ugly word.” Lexa laughs and nearly swallows her own tongue when Clarke rests her head on her shoulder as they walk. “I’ll guess it and when I get it right, you’ll have to be honest.” The artist states with such determination that Lexa can’t help but grin, her heart thudding softly against her ribcage.

“That was the deal.” She mumbles, it’s nearly a whisper. She doesn’t know why it comes out like that, why it sounds like some shared secret or confession. She can only blame it on the lack of sleep and Clarke always being so damn beautiful.

“You really don’t think I’ll figure it out.” Clarke’s head leans up to look at her and Lexa’s breath hitches when she turns to meet her gaze, realizing just how close they suddenly are.

They stop at the doors to the small breakfast diner Clarke had been leading them too. “I know you won’t figure it out,” _because you haven’t already_.

 

***

 

“Lexa please stop texting for two minutes.” Anya snatches the phone from Lexa’s hands and the brunette frowns deeply, staring after it as the older sister tosses it onto her bed. “Listen to me and you can have it back.” Anya is pointing at her, nearly poking her finger into her chest.

“Fine,” Lexa sighed, shoving her hands into her pockets as her eyes moved from her sister to the phone now lying on her bed. She could just bolt for it, take it and run.

“Look at me and not at the dumb app device.” Anya’s voice is stern, and Lexa does as she’s told, meeting her sister’s eyeline.

Lexa frowns. “Stop. What?”

“You are coming to the club with us tonight. It’s Sunday, you need a break from all that ridiculous studying, so you’re coming.” It’s not a question, it’s a demand, one Lexa knew she’d be getting eventually. She’s still not prepared for it, as Lexa averagely dreads parties, mostly because it’s not quite her environment.

“I don’t have a fake ID.” She comments, knowing that excuse won’t work, but she’s only got a few months left to use it, so she might as well.

“Don’t worry about that, Costia knows a guy.” Anya waves her hand dismissively at Lexa’s excuse before crossing her arms along her chest and staring her sister down. She’s definitely not getting out of this one.

So, Lexa opts for putting it off as long as she can in hopes her sister may get bored of trying to convince her. That hardly ever works as well. She knows she’s going to agree eventually, if not for any other reason than to please her sister and spend time with her. “Who lets people in that shouldn’t be in?”

Anya only glares at her after that one. “You’re not getting out of this, you’re coming out and you’re going have fun.” She states matter-of-factly.

Lexa pouts even though she knows she’s already been defeated in this fight. “An, you know I hate crowded places with loud music.” She juts out her bottom lip and goes for her best pouty face, fluttering eyelashes and sad eyes, her last weapon.

“You had fun at the last party?” Anya tries to reason, suddenly avoiding her gaze as to not be affected.

She even drops her voice an octave, sounding more innocent. “Can’t we just go see a movie or something?”

Anya huffs, seeming resistant to Lexa’s pout, which normally isn’t the case. This is Lexa’s best weapon. “Lexa this is what everyone wants to do, and you have to admit, you always have fun when you come. It’s good for you, breaks you out of your shell a bit. Please come, for me? I’ll stay by your side all night.” Anya steps into her sister’s face and gives her a pleading look.

Lexa glares at her, a sigh escaping on it’s own. “Fine, but only for you and if I want to leave after an hour you have to let me.” She states in defeat, still pouting at having lost even though she knew she was going too.

“Okay, deal. I promise, I’ll let you leave after an hour.”

“Can I have my phone back?” She grumbles.

Anya rolls her eyes. “Fine, you know, you’ve been real annoying with that thing lately. Who are you texting all the time?” She presses the cellphone into her sister’s out reached palm and Lexa grips it tightly, almost protectively.

“No one.” She says levelly, feeling bad about again having to lie to her sister.

She hopes she’s able to manage some kind of truce in the future that will make it where she never has to lie again. “Luna said you had a crush on someone.”

Lexa’s jaw clenches. _Fucking Luna._ “That bitch, I told her-”

“She didn’t say who. She told me what you said.” Anya interrupts, curving over the damage before it’s properly done.

Lexa lets out a breath, the last thing she needs is Luna running around and telling everyone she has a crush on her roommate when that in fact is not true… well Costia is very pretty and she has a small crush on her, but it certainly not who she’s been talking too. Not to mention if it ever got back to Costia herself she’d probably request a room transfer, or get Lexa kicked out for being a creep.

“So, who is it?” Anya breaks into her thoughts and she blinks a moment.

“No one.” She says again.

“Lex, come on.”

The brunette shakes her head, pushing off the desk she had been leaning on in the room. “It doesn’t matter, it’s probably not going to happen.” She states simply, because really, that’s the truth. As little of a lie as she can tell as possible is for the best, and with light of recent information, Lexa’s pretty sure it isn’t going to happen.

“But you want it to?” Anya asks breaking into her thoughts again.

Lexa doesn’t meet her sister’s eye. “Yeah.” She mumbles quietly, shuffling on her feet and feeling her cheeks heat up with the confession, her heart going crazy like Clarke is standing right next to her.

“Then go for it, I know you get shy about this stuff but Lexa you’re wonderful, whoever it is, she probably sees that and if it’s who you’ve been texting non-stop I think it’s safe to say she might return a little of those feelings.” Her sister encourages with a kind smile, touching her sleeve to get Lexa too look at her.

She feels a flush of guilt, Anya would say none of this if she knew who it was and maybe Lexa is being a terrible sibling for having the crush that she has, despite not being able to control it much. “It’s complicated.” She says tightly, and her sister gives her another sympathetic look.

“Isn’t it always? You’re not going to tell me huh?” Anya chuckles because she knows Lexa well, better than anyone. That fact only makes Lexa feel guiltier for having a crush on someone that her sister may never approve of, despite the plan to form peace… even if she does form peace, her sister would probably still be resistant to the idea.

“Not right now, I will though.” She tells her honestly, because she knows at some point she will because keeping secrets and lying to her sister is something she does, isn’t something she likes doing. Even the simplest of white lies make her feel terrible. She just needs to hold out until she can begin to form the truce.

“When?” Anya asks.

“Just… later. I promise.” The brunette mutters not meeting her sister’s eyeline again, wishing she could tell her now, wishing things weren’t as messy for her sister, for Clarke.

“Okay.” Anya holds her hands up. “Want to help me pick out an outfit for the night?”

“Actually, I have to be somewhere before you drag be off to the club tonight, I’ll meet you back here around eight?” She looks to her sister again, shoving back her thoughts and feelings of guilt and focuses on the task at hand.

“Yeah, we’re leaving at eight thirty though.” Anya informs her.

“I know, I love you.” Lexa kisses her sister’s cheek and makes her way toward the exit to her sister’s dorm room.

“Lex,”

“Yeah?” The brunette turns to look at her sister.

Her gaze is soft and encouraging, the same backbone she’s always been for Lexa growing up, despite her own struggles. Lexa loves her, more than anyone. “I still think you should go for it.”

Lexa smiles at her sister. “Maybe I will.” She says before exiting her dorm room and quickly walks toward the exit of the building.

 

 

“Clarke,” Lexa says with a huff, dropping onto the table beside the blonde who’s buried in a textbook rather than her normal art supplies. She startles out of her reading, looking up to meet Lexa’s eyeline with a small curious cork to her brow. “I can’t stay long, only tell a bit after seven.”

“Why?” Clarke’s bottom lip juts out and Lexa’s heart flips… She wants her to stay.

“Anya’s dragging me to that new club.” Lexa wrinkles her nose up at the impending torture, the suffocating air, outrageous number of drunk people, too many bodies, music so loud it cracks her skull. She’ll probably never understand the appeal of clubs.

“Oh, I have a friend who works there!” The blonde says excitedly, lighting up like a firework. Lexa can’t help but smile at her briefly before shaking her head.

“Of course you do, you have friends everywhere.” Clarke chuckles as Lexa rolls her eyes and adjusts in her seat. “So if you want to draw, get started now.” She commands simply, making sure she’s comfortable enough to sit in the same position for a while.

“Yes ma’am.” Clarke mock salutes before she’s shoving a textbook back into her bag and pulling out her normal art supplies. “I’ve been thinking about some more flirting tactics for you to use, wanna hear?”

“Sure.”

“Well, you say you have trouble with words, but the thing is you’re really sweet Lexa. Just say whatever comes to your mind, even if you think it’s too much.” Clarke slides close to her, pressing up against her side as she lightly grips Lexa’s jawline to re-position it the way she wants it. Lexa thinks she stops breathing at the contact and hopes she isn’t blushing profusely, she’s getting more used to Clarke’s touches as she seems to be somewhat of an affectionate friend. “But also, I was thinking of all the hints you’ve been able to drop so far and I thought maybe you might want something more personal? As you really like this girl and if things aren’t working out there’s two issues… one, she’s not interested which means she’s certifiably insane, or two, she’s not picking up the hints. So maybe if we approach this with a more… personal touch, she’ll pick up?”

“Personal touch?” Lexa quirks an eyebrow curiously, fighting the urge to turn her head while Clarke is still studying her figure and figuring out how she’d like to draw her today. Lexa wonders when she’ll get tired of drawing her, as you can only spend so long on one subject before it becomes boring.

She dreads that day. “Yes, show her you’re interested by listening. Ask her questions and remember her answers so that you can bring them up later. Personal things, like if she has any siblings or what her favorite hobby is, incorporate it into you’re flirting. I think it might help.” The blonde shrugs.

“How?” Lexa furrows her brows together as she takes in Clarke’s words, trying to form an example in her own head of how that may go.

“Hmm, tell me something personal Lexa and I’ll try and show you.”

“Personal?” Lexa fidgets slightly, the briefest touch of panic entering her chest, her jaw clenching tightly. She doesn’t even realize she’s clenching it until Clarke’s fingers are touching at the base of her jaw lightly, caressing her features as if to try and relax her. “Not super personal, whatever you’re comfortable with telling me okay.” She mumbles softly and comfortingly, and Lexa’s heart is off on that high-speed chase again. She thinks maybe she’s forgotten how to breathe as well.

Lexa nods lightly, not looking at her and instead at her own hands. “Um… I came out at sixteen, my dad didn’t like it.”

“Fourteen, my mom pretends I’m not bisexual as much as possible. But she still tries to support me the best she can.” Lexa turns to look at Clarke who’s barely started to draw her, eyes solely and completely focused on her and she can feel the blush surfacing under the scrutiny.

“I have a little brother.” She whispers quietly, for some reason opening up feels harder than she thought it would. It’s easy to talk about Clarke, it’s easy to want to get to know Clarke… but for some reason talking about herself feels like trudging up a large mountain in a blizzard.

“How old is he?” Clarke asks, setting aside her art supplies and focusing on Lexa.

She’s gotten this amount of attention from the blonde before, but it never fails to make her begin to blush. “Nine, he’s biological to my parents though, miracle baby.” She mumbles softly, looking away from Clarke and down at her tangled hands.

Clarke’s hand comes to rest atop of her knee, and Lexa glances at it briefly. The touch surging a warmth in her body that makes her want to shudder. She staves it off. “Kind of a miracle that they got you too.” Clarke’s other hand combs through the side of her hair, brushing back wavy brown strands behind her ear, fingertips lightly grazing her earlobe and she nearly shivers, breath catching in her throat. “I’m an only child, must be nice to have sibling to look out for.” Clarke’s eyes are boring into her own when she looks into them. Lexa thinks she does shudder after that.

“Yeah,” Lexa breathes, entranced in deep blue eyes. “It is.”

“On behalf of all girls we’re pretty lucky you like girls.” Clarke’s head falls to the right slightly and Lexa thinks she’s can’t remember how to breathe properly because her chest is starting to ache and burn, her lungs needing oxygen. “Tell me something else, I like hearing about your life.” Clarke fingers still flitting through her hair softly, playing with the end of the strands, the hand on her knee squeezing slightly as if to comfort her but all it does is set Lexa on fire.

“This is personal flirting?” She chokes out after a moment of silence, lungs begging for air and the blush surfacing to take over her features obviously.

“It is, very effective, your blush is so cute.” Clarke’s fingertips lightly graze Lexa’s cheekbone. “You have the most gorgeous features.” Clarke mumbles and Lexa isn’t sure if Clarke’s affectionate touch is real or not, all she knows is she isn’t sure how much longer she can take of the proximity and attention before she does something stupid, like grab Clarke’s face and kiss very hard.

She wishes it to be real and not a lesson. “I don’t know if I can do that.”

“Sure you can, in a way, you already do it. You’re interested, so all the stuff you say is going to be true, it shows her you’re not playing games, in a way. I try to avoid the… personal approach, usually I don’t need to.” Clarke shrugs, her eyes are a shade darker than they normally are and Lexa wonders if she feels anything similar to what Lexa is feeling inside of her chest, her heart beating crazy and loud she’s sure Clarke can hear it.

“Isn’t the personal approach just kind of… the same as all the other stuff?” Lexa asks shakily, Clarke’s touch is still on her, still distracting and she’s trying hard to ignore it, but she can’t.

“It is, just, more intense.” Clarke’s touch vanishes from her as she lets a little space fall between them. “Almost always gets you a make out session though.” Lexa isn’t sure if she’s relieved or disappointed at the distance, perhaps it’s possible to feel both things at once.

“You know that’s not what I-”

“Yeah, yeah I know. You want to get to know her, blah, you’re so adorable it actually makes me sick.” Clarke giggles adorably, holding onto the edge of her notebook rather tightly when she looks back up at Lexa, eyes taking her in before she focuses back in on the drawing she had started.

Lexa thinks she may die of a gay heart attack before she ever manages to get anywhere with this truce.

 

***

 

“Hey Lex, so you’re coming with us?” Costia asks as Lexa comes through the door, her eyes light and a happy smile on her face.

“Yep, Anya begged me.” The brunette sighs, throwing her bag down on her bed and moving toward her dresser to sift through club appropriate clothing.

“It’s cute the way you two do almost everything for each other, if I had any siblings I’d want to have that kind of relationship with them.” Costia admits from her place behind Lexa and the brunette only nods in acknowledgement that she heard her as she pulls out a few clothes.

She glances over at Costia who’s applying lipstick in the mirror across the room. “Oh, you don’t have any siblings?” She asks and Costia pops her lips together before looking at her through the reflective glass.

“No, I used to have a brother, but he died a few years ago.” She says softly and Lexa’s heart plummets a little at the news.

She frowns sadly. “Oh, wow, I’m sorry.” She mutters sincerely, gripping her clothes and walking toward the bathroom.

“It’s okay. Anya tells me you both have a little brother.” Costia turns from the mirror to meet her gaze as Lexa is passing her and the brunette stops to finish their conversation before she throws herself into a routine to look somewhat presentable for a club she doesn’t want to go to.

Lexa nods. “Yep, Aden.”

“Are you close with him too?” Costia seems to step closer to her but Lexa doesn’t take much notice of it, eyes on the thread of the shirt in her hands as she fiddles with the hem of it.

She nods again. “Yes, we’re all very close. He’s only nine though, so we don’t get to see him as much and he misses us.” Lexa smiles slightly at the thought of her brother and decides that she will call him soon to make sure he’s doing okay.

“I bet he does. You both are pretty wonderful, I bet he’s wonderful too.” Costia is gazing at her in a way Lexa doesn’t really understand when she looks up, but she shakes the feeling off and takes a step backward toward the bathroom.

Lexa smiles. “He is.” She says softly before making her exit to the shared room, closing the door to get ready for the inevitable dreaded night of noise and dancing and alcohol.

 

 

The club is loud and full to the brim and Lexa hangs out in the booth that her group had chosen rather than dancing. She has been here forty-five minutes and she kept glancing at the clock on her phone, waiting tell she could leave. She thought about texting Clarke but decided she would wait until she could leave to ask her to meet at the hill again.

“You know, your hour will restart if you don’t actually try to have fun.” Anya slumps into the booth beside her sister, giving her a stern look that makes Lexa groan out loud, throwing her head back against the cushion.

“Why do I have to dance?” She whines in a child-like manner, her bottom lip jutting out as she begins to pout. She doesn’t exactly want to be here, her mind on the hill and what conversation her and Clarke would be having right now if she was there. She wonders what Clarke is doing right now, the urge to text her again surfacing and bubbling forcefully in her gut.

“You don’t, at least drink something?” Anya asks with pleading eyes again and Lexa frowns.

“I don’t want to, tomorrow’s Sunday and-”

“Exactly, the perfect time to let loose. You have no classes tomorrow, come on Lex.” Anya pushes a shot of something the others had been drinking toward her and she glared at it a moment.

She leaned forward and in a quick motion downed the liquid, letting the contents burn down her throat and make her eyes water. She wanted to cough, since she wasn’t that used to drinking but she managed to avoid the tickle. “That a girl, now drink the other one.” Anya pointed to the second one as well, leftover from the round that the group had bought, the shots Lexa had avoided up until now.

“Why-”

“We got two rounds and only yours are left, drink it.” Anya states softly, glancing at the small glass encouragingly. She wants her sister to let loose, Lexa knows that. She knows Anya just wants her to have fun with her, part of it is because Anya fears she leave, no matter how many times Lexa tells her she won’t. She’s still afraid of it.

“You’re supposed to be looking out for me, not getting me drunk.” She teases with a light smile gracing her lips slightly.

Her sister chuckles amusedly. “Getting you drunk is looking out for you. Come on, you’re with friends and me, you’re safe, I promise.” Anya squeezes her sister’s upper arm encouragingly and eggs her on with a big smile.

Lexa lets out a soft sigh and grabs the other shot glass, looking down at the bronze liquid a moment before shooting it back. This time she does cough, and Anya is smiling warmly at her. She doesn’t really do this very often, more focused on taking care of everyone else instead of being someone that must be taken care of.

As the alcohol is settling in her stomach the phone in her hand in her lap vibrates, and she pulls it toward her to look at it.

**Clarke (9:15 P.M.):** I see you :P

Lexa’s head shoots up from her phone as she glances around the club, looking for a flash of blonde hair just as Anya’s coming back from grabbing her another drink, not a shot this time, thank god. She grips it as Anya falls into the booth next to her again and her eyes roam.

They stop at the bar, Clarke is there, a very short and tight black dress on her body, talking to the bartender who must be the friend she had been talking about. He’s laughing at something she says, and she’s got a smile at the corner of her mouth from what Lexa can see and god she looks gorgeous.

“I know that look, where is she.” Anya chuckles, eyes suddenly roaming the area as if to search out the source of pretty girls that Lexa must have noticed. She knows her sister too well, and while Anya’s eyes roam Lexa fears that she will see Clarke at the bar, as it is Clarke sort of stands out, her beauty is bright like the sun and Lexa is drawn to her warmth, even across the room.

“What?” Lexa croaks, clearing her throat. She takes a drink but that helps none and she winces at the taste.

“Can’t you get something light?” She complains, pushing the glass away from her onto the circular table as her sister’s eyes move back to her, giving up on her search for whomever Lexa must have been looking at.

“So you can avoid getting even slightly drunk?”

“No, just tastes better.” Lexa crosses her arms along her chest in a pout.

Anya rolls her eyes. “I’ll go get you something else.” Anya snatches the drink from the table to steal a sip before bounding off back toward the bartenders. Somehow on the opposite side from where Clarke stands.

**Lexa (9:21 P.M.):** You look beautiful

She watches Clarke hold up her finger to the boy she’s talking too and look down at her phone, smiling but Lexa can’t exactly tell what smile it is from this faraway.

**Clarke (9:22 P.M.):** Thanks gorgeous, escape from your sister maybe we can dance?

Lexa bites her bottom lip and watches her head tilt up to talk to the boy again before she’s frowning slightly as the boy touches her hand, making her laugh. If Lexa were closer she could hear the sound of it. Suddenly she’s downing the strong liquid in the glass Anya had left until all that’s left is the ice.

“For someone who doesn’t like it, you sure drank that fast. Also mixing alcohol,” Anya wrinkles her nose for a second. “Try and stick to this drink for the rest of the night.” Anya gestures toward the glass full of something brightly colored in her hand.

“Can you get me more of this.” Lexa asks, clanking the ice in the glass.

“Lexa,” Anya’s about to protests but Lexa can feel the liquid edging into her consciousness. She feels warm and less stiff, though the loud music is still bothering her and pounding at her head. She flutters her eyelashes at Anya and her sister’s mouth shuts. “Fine.” She says softly, placing the glass of something that looks a bit fruity on the table.

Lexa avoids it and lets her eyes find Clarke again, she’s touching the guy’s arm this time and Lexa feels her jaw clench.

“Hey babe, wanna dance with me? You’ve been cooped up in the booth all night.” Costia is by her side suddenly and Lexa doesn’t know when she got there, but she smiles up at her roommate nonetheless, admiring how pretty she looks in her blue dress.

“Sure.” Lexa says immediately, gripping Costia’s hand just as Anya is coming back.

“You’re actually getting her up.” Anya looks incredibly shocked, staring at Costia with wide eyes.

The girl giggles brightly and the sound is lovely, she’s smiling from ear to ear, a slight blush on her cheeks, possibly from dancing, possibly from drinking. “I’m magical.” She winks and Lexa giggles at the sight.

“Gimmie.” Lexa reaches for the glass and Anya lets her take it, letting Lexa guzzle it down in front of her.

“Okay wait, slower Lexa. I said have fun, not get shit-faced.” Anya says cautiously, watching her little sister guzzle the liquid in front of her.

“It s’okay.” Lexa smiles brightly and grips Costia’s hand tighter, pulling her toward the dance floor. “You coming?” She shouts to her sister who shrugs and makes her way back to the dance floor as well.

 

 

Sometime later into the night, when Lexa is actually asking for water and she needs a break is she back at the booth, guzzling down on the bottle Costia had set in front of her before the girl is giggling and pulling it back slightly. “Not too fast.” She says sweetly and Lexa nods, listening to her pretty roommate. Tightening the lid on it before grabbing her phone.

**Clarke (9:45 P.M.):** No dance for me but a dance for Costia? :(

**Clarke (9:57 P.M.):** Lots of dancing for Costia

**Clarke (10:01 P.M.):** I’m glad ur having fun

**Lexa (10:15 P.M.):** Would have more fun with you

“Who you texting?” Costia asks curiously again, quirking a brow and trying to look.

Lexa clicks the power on her phone and giggles slightly. “The enemy. Where’s Anya?” She glances around the club for her sister but can’t find her, pouting slightly at that thought, the alcohol is warm and making her feel foggy and light.

“Over there, I’ll get her for you.” Costia moves to get up from the booth but Lexa grabs the girl’s wrist to stop her from leaving.

“Want more of this.” She gestures to the glass with the melted ice in it and Costia laughs.

“I can get that for you.” She pushes the water Lexa had been drinking more toward her. “Hydrate.” She winks again which makes Lexa giggle and hops up heading toward the bar. Lexa’s eyes follow her, examining her figure before glancing around the large room looking for Clarke again.

She frowns when she finds her, grinding on some girl she’s never seen before. The girl is whispering in her ear, tugging at her ear lobe and Lexa’s stomach flips with something that burns ugly in her chest. She frowns and Costia sets down the glass of alcohol she had requested in front of her, she guzzles most of it down.

“Let’s go back to dancing?” Lexa slightly begs, jutting out her bottom lip and fluttering her eyelashes at her pretty roommate, touching her hand.

Costia’s eyes look down at her palm, a small blush surfacing across dark skin and Lexa thinks she’s really so very pretty with all the flashing lights. Not the sun like Clarke, but maybe something as equally as powerful. “Sure thing,” Costia places her hand over Lexa’s and the brunette thinks maybe Costia is giving her a look of some kind, making a mental note to ask Clarke if you can tell if someone is into you based off one look.

She frowns when she thinks of Clarke again, glancing to her still dancing up on someone, Clarke’s lips are mingling with the girl’s now and Lexa could be sick. “Actually, you’re looking a little green, are you sure, maybe drink some more water.”

“No, more of this.” Lexa drinks the rest of the liquid in her glass and Costia lets out a soft chuckle.

“I’m definitely going to push aside my own hangover to take care of you in the morning.” She’s grinning from ear to ear when Lexa looks at her and it makes the brunette smile.

“Dance with me?” She flutters her eyelashes again and licks at her lower lip and Costia’s eyes drop to her mouth.

“Okay.” The girl says, gripping Lexa’s hand that is over and under her own tightly, tugging her up and back toward the dance floor where she dances a little closer than she had before. Lexa lets her, too drunk to care and too jealous to want her to stop.

 

 

Lexa is laughing as Costia’s unable to properly walk in her heels, tripping and nearly falling against the wall as Lexa catches her, very unsteady herself though she had opted for a less dressy outfit. “You’re kind of hot Lexa.” The drunk girl says as Lexa tries to keep herself and the other girl up.

Costia seems to try to be doing the same thing. “Hot.” Lexa clicks the “t” and watches as Costia’s eyes move to her mouth. They grow dark, studying it for a long time.

“Yeah.” She says breathlessly, and Lexa stomach turns pleasantly at the sound.

“No.” Lexa shakes her head. “My phone?” She panics slightly, patting at herself before Costia is laughing loudly in the dorm hallway, pulling out the key to their dorm room.

“Bag Lex,” She says, tugging at the strap that’s around Lexa’s shoulder.

“Oooh,” She laughs at herself and digs it out. The world is spinning enough and Costia’s unbalanced weight isn’t much help, but she wonders what Clarke is doing right now… _that girl probably._

The thought makes her grimace.

**Lexa (12:02 A.M.):** Goodnight Clarke

She stares at her phone, stares as the message gets read, stares at it and stares at it until Costia is dragging her into the dorm room.

A message for her is not coming back and she suddenly only wants to sleep and maybe pee.

“Why the long face?” Costia slurs in front of her, turning around to grip her, hand reaching up to cup her cheek.

Lexa is frowning at her. “Crushes are stupid.”

Costia frowns, eyebrows knitting together as she tries to work through her own drunken thoughts to think about why Lexa would say something like that to her. “Why you say that?”

“They are.” Lexa huffs and drops her phone on the bed, breaking apart from Costia and making her way as wobbly as possible to the bathroom.

 

***

 

Why partying had sounded like a good idea to her sister and their friends was beyond Lexa’s knowledge, luckily, her own hangover wasn’t too bad despite how much she had drank the night before. Though the rest are under much less luck, except for Costia that is. As a result, they all planned an evening in that Lexa was just making an excuse to abandon.

They didn’t fight her much, having gone out with them the night before they let her go, and she was escaping to the hill, albeit a bit later than normal. But despite her being late Clarke was not there. She thought about texting her, but she hasn’t received a text all day, despite having sent one off asking how she was.

Clarke seemed to be ignoring her and she didn’t know why exactly. Perhaps she was mad because Lexa was unable to escape and dance with her? Though she seemed fine to the brunette, replacing her lack of a dance partner with someone else. Someone she more than likely slept with, or maybe she didn’t and Lexa’s being unfair, jumping to conclusions. Even if she did, it was none of Lexa’s business who Clarke sleeps with and who Clarke doesn’t sleep with.

She opts for the ground instead of the bench to sit on, without Clarke here it feels like a safer option and curls up, pulling her knees to her chest and placing her arms around herself, resting her chin on her knee to watch the sunset. It’s not the same without Clarke’s pencil scratching along paper beside her.

Maybe Clarke isn’t avoiding her, she was there last night so perhaps Clarke had only partied too much and has spent the day resting? Lexa could look at her socials, though she lacks following them, but she tries to avoid them, just in case. Plus, she’s sure that’s creepy stalker level and she’s not about to enter that zone.

She’s just learning how to flirt normally.

She lets out a soft sigh and lets her eyes flutter shut, hoping Clarke will show soon but eventually the sun is gone and Clarke has still not arrived. Leaving her alone on the hill.

She leaves early, feeling confused and a bit sad. Why didn’t Clarke tell her she wouldn’t be able to come? That seemed to be what they do? It’s daily unless they have a prior engagement and they tell each other if that’s the case… maybe Lexa only assumed that was the routine, maybe the importance of the hill and what it meant to Lexa had very little importance to Clarke. Or maybe she only viewed it differently.

Lexa isn’t sure what’s wrong, she only knows that she stumbles into her sister’s dorm room, making the excuse that she doesn’t feel good to snuggle up beside her in bed and turn on Harry Potter.

 

***

 

“Ah baby Woods,” Raven tuts, leaning against the counter in the room as Lexa enters. There’s no light on, except for the brightness of the machines and a lamp at the edge of the desk that’s so dim it doesn’t make much of a difference.

Lexa groans at hearing her, seeing her there, knowing that at three in the morning Raven really wasn’t someone she was interested in running into. She doesn’t even stay in this building so what was she doing here? “I’m really not in the mood for you right now.” She states coldly, voice hard and rough as she walks past her toward the vending machine.

“Makes two of us.” Raven fires back, voice equally as hard, though it’s not as sharp. Her tone is almost amused despite the hardness and all it serves to do is irk at Lexa’s nerves a bit more.

“What are you even doing in this hall all the time?” She snaps, turning away from the vending machine to meet the eyes of Latina. She’s definitely amused, soft brown orbs alight with mischief.

“I may or may not be hooking up with someone within your ranks.” At that Lexa quirks a brow curiously, eyebrow shooting up to her hairline.

Raven just giggles in amusement. “You annoy me so much.” She states after a moment, voice still hard and sharp as she turns away from the girl to stare at the vending machine options.

“Feisty,” Raven pulls herself up onto the counter, her braced leg hanging down while she folds the other one under her. “What are you doing up so late?” Raven asks after a moment of uncomfortable silence expands between the two of them.

“Can’t sleep.” Lexa lets her dollar get sucked up by the machine in front of her as she contemplates an option further.

“You seem upset.” The Latina observes curiously, studying her as if she’s something of interest.

“I’m fine.” Lexa bites unconvincingly, choosing a water and impatiently waiting for it to dispense. Once it does, she snatches it out almost aggressively and rips the lid off.

“Yes, you seem very fine and not destructive in the slightest.” Raven cackles, she’s so amused and Lexa grumpily doesn’t understand how she’s constantly in a state of amusement and humor.

“What do you want?” Lexa snaps crankily, tightening the lid back on the water and placing it on the counter, meeting Raven’s eye.

Raven frowns at her. “You know I don’t hate you right?”

“Funny way of showing it.” Lexa grumbles leaning against the counter on the opposite side of Raven and staring at her, eyes heavy and tired though she can’t seem to catch a wink of sleep.

“It’s all a big joke. Albeit, I was a little bit of a dick the other day at the coffee house but that didn’t really have anything to do with you… Clarke’s been…” She cuts off meeting Lexa’s eye and then looks down at her hands folded in her lap.

“Clarke’s been what?” She asks curiously, perking up at the sound of the blonde’s name automatically.

“No offense, but I can’t exactly tell Anya’s sister that.” The girls chuckle with further amusement and Lexa finds herself rolling her eyes.

“I don’t tell Anya everything… I’m here to keep her out of drama, not cause it.” Her voice is still hard despite wanting the information that Raven seems to have. She can’t seem to help her curiosity when it comes to Clarke, its always expanding and after being ignored all day, it would be nice to find some explanation.

“She’s just been weird, and she won’t talk to me. Gets on my nerves when she gets like that, we’ve been through a lot together. Hate it when she shuts me out. Does it to everyone though.” Raven huffs as she looks down at her shirt, her hands playing with the hem of it as if the threads of it are more interesting than anything else.

“Does she?” Lexa ask curiously.

Raven laughs. “How much do you know about Clarke? I’m guessing nothing outside of the things Anya’s mutters about her, which mostly is just ridiculous by the way.” Raven rolls her eyes at that and Lexa wants to fight her, insist that she knows Clarke a little bit more, she knows her as much as Clarke is letting her know. That she likes her, that she wants to continue to get to know her.

She says none of that. “How did it start?” She asks instead.

“The feud?” Raven questions obviously.

Lexa simply nods before muttering a soft “yeah” in reply.

“Anya and Clarke were roommates or… lived in the dorms next to each other or something, one was loud the other wasn’t. Anya got Clarke kicked out of her dorm after Clarke slept with this girl Anya was into, I guess it just spiraled from there.” Raven shrugs, seeming as if she either doesn’t know much or really never cared about it much.

That doesn’t exactly help Lexa, but it’s more than Lincoln knew. “Really?” Lexa huffs slightly, eyebrows furrowed as she tries to think it through. “That’s it?” She asks to make sure Raven has given her all the information she has or knows about the topic at hand.

The girl chuckles. “I don’t know the full story. I just know Clarke’s my best friend, and no matter how pretty the person is that’s being mean to her, I’ve got her back.” She states simply, her voice is sharper this time, determination and steel behind her words.

Lexa catches one thing in her statement that has her smirking at the girl across the room. “You think Anya’s pretty?” She teases lightly, feeling the grin get wider as Raven blushes.

“I think Anya’s very pretty.” Raven grins widely as well. “You can tell her that, I don’t care. I’ve told her that.” She shrugs and looks down at her shirt again, cheeks still flushed with the slight blush of embarrassment.

“She thinks you’re pretty too.” Lexa offers up softly and watches how it makes Raven perk up almost too eagerly.

“Oh, does she?” She nearly squeaks, and Lexa bites her tongue as too not laugh out loud.

“She has a hard time admitting it.” She informs her.

“Maybe I’ll remember that.” Raven hops off the counter. “You’re not so bad to talk to you know?” The Latina smiles brightly at her and Lexa feels her mood lift slightly at her words, for a reason unknown to her.

“I’ve been told.” She teases and watches Raven chuckle.

“See you around baby Woods.” She winks, and Lexa is frowning again.

“Please stop.” Raven cackles and disappears out of the room, down the hallway to whatever dorm room she was sleeping in. Lexa grabs her water and untightens the lid to take another gulp of it before chuckling to herself and making her way back to her dorm room.

 

***

 

Lexa isn’t even sure Clarke’s going to show up with how weird she’s been. And judging by her conversation with Raven last night, it’s not only Lexa she’s been weird with… so perhaps it has nothing to do with her at all. That thought only makes her worry slightly about the blonde, wondering what must have upset her recently that’s put her in such a distant and confusing mood.

Or maybe it is Lexa, Lexa advancing too strongly, Lexa hinting too much at her own feelings after Clarke has told her she’s not exactly into dating. Maybe this is all Lexa’s fault and she needs to just put an end to what she’s doing. Sure, it’s always been risky, but isn’t it worse now, knowing how Clarke feels on the subject?

Sure, she’s dated before, and she must have gotten hurt, Lexa has no idea what happened but whatever it was, it doesn’t change the fact that she’s most likely not interested, despite the signals and confusing touches. So, Lexa needs to take a softer approach, a less aggressive one. Kind words that ebb on their friendship rather than hinting at feelings that might involve something more, even if Clarke always makes her heart race, she can put that aside, especially if it’s impossible for Clarke to feel the same thing.

Perhaps her step back needs to be more like ten, even if Lexa doesn’t exactly want things to be that way. The more she’s gotten to know Clarke recently, the more she wants to know Clarke. No amount of information and time with Clarke is enough and she’s willing to place aside the original plan for something a lot simpler. If it’ll make Clarke more comfortable with her.

All day it’s been unanswered messages and avoiding eye contact through Indra’s class, so she must have done something. And Lexa can think of no other thing she’s done other than advancing too much, too fast. After all, what did Clarke tell her about seeming too interested… it can be overwhelming, and Lexa’s sure it’s nothing but for someone who doesn’t want to date at all.

Lexa lets out a long, exasperated sigh as she checks the time on her phone, guessing that half past five is long enough to wait, and shoves her textbooks into her bag before shutting down her laptop and getting ready to put that away.

A hand on her shoulder stops her, making her jump slightly and glance up at the person that’s the very center of her thoughts. “Hey, where are you going?” Clarke asks with an amused expression, one eyebrow quirking up.

Her touch falls away and Lexa swallows and glances away from her. “Didn’t think you were coming.” She says with a slight clench to her jaw, choosing not to look at Clarke just in case she can see her feelings expressed through her gaze. This situation requires a delicate approach and being upset that Clarke has now decided to show up is not the approach Lexa means to take.

Clarke sits beside her, she looks untroubled despite her pretty much ignoring her all day and Lexa wants to ask about it, wants to ask where Clarke’s been, what she must have done but she doesn’t. She bites her tongue because it’s not her place to ask, because it’s not right of her to make Clarke feel bad for not talking to her. It’s her own fault for assuming that her and Clarke meet on the daily, that her and Clarke talk daily. It’s her own fault for assuming those things, after all, Clarke has promised nothing. “Why wouldn’t I come? It’s Thursday and we have a deal remember.” The blonde has that smirk on her face, it’s not touching her eyes when she glances at her and Lexa bites her cheek to keep the questions at bay.

When she finally releases her cheek, she takes in a breath and looks away from Clarke again, who’s doing nothing but mainly staring at her. “You’re late.” Her voice is too hard, a bit strained from holding back the questions on the tip of her tongue.

“A little, got held up. I’m a bit worried for this project, you think Indra will want a group presentation? I hate group presentations.” Clarke must scoff at the thought as she rummages with her bag, pulling out a few items and getting distracted with setting up.

Lexa frowns and shrugs her shoulders, pulling things back out of her bag as well and re-booting her laptop.

“Lex?” Clarke’s touch is on her upper arm, and Lexa stops what she’s doing to turn and meet her gaze.

She’s looking at her in that unreadable way, almost like she’s begging for something, or asking for silent permission but Lexa doesn’t get it… she doesn’t understand what’s happening and any sane person would just ask but Lexa is too afraid to. To unsure of where she stands at all, already assuming she’s done something wrong, she’s not looking to cross anymore lines.

“Are you okay?” Clarke asks her, and Lexa almost laughs.

But she doesn’t. “Yeah, why?” She tries to offer her a small smile, but Clarke is looking at her with gentle concern and she doesn’t understand it. It’s almost as if it’s been Lexa acting weird all day, when the brunette has been certain it’s been the other way around.

“You seem quiet.” Clarke says gently, eyes soft and searching. She’s so pretty, even when Lexa’s slightly frustrated and confused.

Lexa rolls her eyes. “I’m always quiet.”

“Different quiet.” Clarke slides closer to her. “I’m sorry I was late.” Her touch filters through the side of Lexa’s hair and the brunette nearly melts as Clarke’s fingertips caress her earlobe. “I should have texted. I’ve just been busy.” Clarke’s voice is so gentle and soft and so close to her ear and Lexa is turning into a puddle.

She’s far too gay to handle this kind of affection. “It’s okay.” Lexa mumbles quietly. “I’m not mad.” She assures, and Clarke smiles softly at her, her blue eyes lighting up beautifully with it.

“Good, don’t think I could stand you being mad at me.” Clarke’s grinning widely, her touch still shuffling through Lexa’s hair lightly and Lexa is trying her hardest to not let her body react every time Clarke manages to skim her earlobe.

She thinks maybe she’s succeeding as Clarke hasn’t seemed to take notice.

Lexa smiles lightly, and glances down at the notebook she’s holding onto, she lets it fall onto the table. “Let’s study.” She says and hears Clarke groan beside her.

The blonde shakes her head before she lets it fall back like Lexa has just mentioned she’d like to drag her through a pit full of zombies for the evening. “Let’s skip, go to the hill.” She perks back up hopefully.

“Nope. We did that last week.” When she looks at Clarke the blonde is giving her that puppy dog look, her bottom lip jutting out as if trying to convince her, it’s adorable but it also makes Lexa laugh. “You aren’t getting out of it this time.” She confirms, and Clarke’s expression melts away into defeat, _cute defeat_.

“Boo, fine.” Clarke playfully huffs beside her and unpacks the rest of her things.

 

***

 

“Can I ask you a personal question?” Lexa says once they’re comfortably sat on the bench on the hill. Clarke’s normal sketchpad in her lap and half-done drawing on the paper.

“Sure.” Clarke mumbles and when Lexa looks at her she is briefly distracted watching the furrow of her brows as she draws. She’s fairly focused and Lexa thinks that maybe Clarke didn’t even hear her right.

“What happened with you and that Finn guy you mentioned?” Lexa’s voice is quiet as she asks it, somehow knowing that in a moment like this maybe Clarke will give into letting her in a bit more. But also she’s cautious as Clarke is no longer seemingly ignoring her.

“Phew, when you said personal you meant personal.” Clarke puffs out her cheeks and lets out a breath, though her eyes don’t remove from the drawing, her hands moving as she continues to create another picture of Lexa, bringing her to life in a way Lexa only wishes she could appear.

“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want, I was only asking. I understand if you aren’t comfortable.” The brunette bites her bottom lip, desperate as to not scare Clarke away again. She still isn’t quite sure what she had done to warrant her distance but she’s hanging onto the hop that maybe it wasn’t her and it had to do with something else and that maybe someday, Clarke would be willing to open up to her a bit more.

Clarke lets out a soft sigh. “It’s okay. It was a long time ago. Let’s just say, it’s been hard… connecting with people since him.” The blonde shakes her head, eyes still trained on the drawing in her lap. Lexa wonders if it’s because she’s in the zone or because she wants to avoid eye contact when sharing personal information with the brunette. She perhaps thinks it could be both.

“Did he hurt you?” She asks softly, feeling something hard and protective come over her, often in the way she gets with Anya or Aden, though it feels a bit differently. A piece of her can picture Clarke, young and in love and happy, and then she can see the opposite, sad and lonely and heart broken, and Lexa only wants to wrap her up and protect her from things that would harm her.

“You could say that, in a way.” The blonde huffs again.

“Why did you decide not to date after him?” Lexa knows she’s testing her luck, but she’s trying to learn as much as she can about Clarke in the limited spaces that Clarke will let her, and the blonde is letting her right now so she’s not about to waste the opportunity.

“Dating is hard, messy. Two people, lots of feelings, different emotions, personalities. It was always stressful with Finn, I guess I just associate dating with something that doesn’t make me happy.” Clarke shrugs and glances up from her drawing at last to meet Lexa’s soft and understanding gaze.

“You think that’s just because you haven’t dated someone that may be right for you.” She says bravely, watching as Clarke takes in her word, eyes shfting down to her mouth, back to her cheekbones, along the curve of her jaw and then her eyes again.

When Clarke is done looking at her, she laughs. “Maybe.” Her eyes are happy and glinting into Lexa’s own when she glances down and then back up from the drawing again and Lexa is pleased to not be shut out in this moment.

“Would you ever date again, you think?” She tries to not sound hopeful when she asks but she thinks her voice still cracks along the desire anyway.

“No.” Clarke says immediately, and Lexa tries to swallow the disappointment the best she can, only nodding briefly when Clarke looks up at her before she breaks their gazes apart to look out at the sun, fearing Clarke will read her too well if she can see her eyes. “Actually,” Clarke slides closer to her and Lexa looks at her. “I don’t know, I might.” She says softly, and Lexa’s voice gets caught in her throat.

Clarke is giving her that look again, she wishes she knew what that look meant. “You might?” She asks, and this time she can hear the hope in her voice. It’s unmistakable and she is incapable of masking it.

“Maybe. I guess saying I would never date again is a stretch. I think I might.” Clarke smiles softly at her and shudders her fingers through her hair again, grazing Lexa’s earlobe so she shivers slightly, unable to fight it this time.

She can tell Clarke notices, with the way her eyes are studying her, examining her features too closely, following her body movements. “Who would qualify to date the Clarke Griffin?” She manages to tease, despite the low octave of her voice.

Clarke’s eyes drop to her lips briefly and she wishes she had the courage and the permission to close the distance. “Stop being cute.” Clarke laughs. “I don’t know. Perhaps that’s information to be found in the future.” The blonde quirks and eyebrow at her and her touch falls away, gripping at her paper again.

“When you meet the person you’d date?” Lexa asks softly.

“Call me a romantic, but I kind of think I’m just looking for a soulmate. That way the messy, hard dating thing is just… I think easier when it’s someone that your meant to be with. I don’t know that’s probably stupid.” Clarke puffs out her cheeks yet again and blushes as she glances down and studies the unfinished drawing her lap.

Lexa frowns slightly. “No, it’s not.” Lexa lets out a soft breath. “That’s not stupid at all, never say that.” She doesn’t want Clarke to feel embarrassed. She thinks her view on it is kind of nice and she wants her to know that.

Clarke lets out a breath, a wide smile appearing on her face that touches her eyes. “There you go, being sweet again.” She leans into Lexa slightly to nudge her shoulder into Lexa’s and the brunette feels warm all over.

“It’s only natural.” She teases lightly, giggling slightly at Clarke’s delicate gaze.

“Thanks Lex,” She states simply.

“For?” She quirks a brow at her.

Clarke hand is on her knee, squeezing gently and Lexa feels her stomach flip and her pulse race at the contact. “Listening to me.” She nearly whispers, and Lexa has to swallow down her feelings, hoping Clarke can’t read her thoughts as she gazes into her eyes because looking away from her stare feels nearly impossible.

“Anytime.” Lexa places her hand on Clarke’s knee as well and squeezes slightly, the blonde’s breath catching briefly, and she thinks maybe Clarke will bolt away from her again, but then Clarke’s hand removes from her knee and is over hers, squeezing and Lexa’s heart is soaring in the air like a kite, she thinks maybe Clarke is the one guiding it in the wind.

 

***

 

“I’ve been meaning to ask you; can you tell that someone likes you by just looking at you?” Lexa asks curiously as the descend down the hill, the thought popping up in her head as she remember her moment with Costia the other night.

“Did you get a look from “that” girl?” Clarke is grinning from ear to ear when she glances at her, but it isn’t touching her eyes. Lexa wonders why.

“Maybe.” She shrugs.

“What kind of look did she give you?” Clarke is gazing at her, where as it’s averagely Lexa staring at Clarke as they descend the hill, their roles seemed to have reversed for the evening, Clarke’s eyes have not left her, and Lexa has avoided meeting her gaze mainly to save herself from blushing like a fool.

“I don’t know, I’m asking for a reason.” She shrugs and kicks at a rock as they walk, watching it tumble down the hill faster than them.

“Well, I think so. There’s always a look. I mean, sometimes there might not be, but… there’s always a look eventually. Multiple kinds.” Clarke’s hand skims her and Lexa’s balls up into a fist to avoid reacting on impulse and just holding the blonde’s hand.

“How many?” She asks.

“Lots Lexa, humans are full of emotion and when it comes to hooking up and romance and all that junk, there’s always various looks fitting the mood and the emotions of that person.”

Lexa lets out a long sigh. “Not exactly helpful right now.”

Clarke laughs. “Stop,” She grabs Lexa’s arm, they’re halfway down the hill, the same spot where she had found Clarke’s pencil a couple nights before. Clarke’s blue eyes are glinting up at her in the streetlamps.

Lexa’s eyes drop to her mouth only briefly, but by Clarke’s eyes she thinks maybe she’s been caught anyway. “Describe the look to me that she gave you, try and sample it for me?” The blonde quirks her brow slightly, blue orbs running over Lexa’s features.

Lexa swallows and glances down as she tries to push through the foggy memories of the night before. Costia across the table from her, gripping her hand, she doesn’t remember the conversation. _A look_.

She glances up at Clarke and she stares at her for a long time, takes in the features of her face, the softness in her eyes, the gentleness of her small smile, the breeze pushing back her hair. Eyeliner smudged slightly in the corner of her right eye, maybe she had rubbed it on accident and has yet to look. Lips glossy but Lexa doesn’t know when she applied anything, she hadn’t seen it. That pencil behind her left ear, the point sticks out of her hair, the rest of it disappearing behind blonde strands.

She could look at Clarke forever, she’s so stunning and Lexa’s almost has the words on the tip of her tongue to explain that, but Clarke’s mouth is moving before she gets the chance. “Yeah, that’s a look.” Clarke chuckles in amusement.

“Hmm?” Lexa blinks, she had been more distracted looking at Clarke then trying to figure out how to explain what she saw the night before.

“If she’s looking at you like that, that’s a look.” Clarke states simply and Lexa can feel a blush take over her cheeks and consume her face.

“What kind of look?” Lexa wonders what Clarke sees when she looks at her, if it’s anything like what Lexa sees when she looks at Clarke.

“Like she wants to paint you.” Clarke tugs at her sleeve looking amused and light and happy, though there’s still something missing, something off with her smile in her eyes.

“Interesting example.”

“Shush, I live, eat, sleep, and breath art. It’s the best metaphor I got.” Clarke shrugs and glances down briefly at her shoes.

Clarke looks at her like that all the time… her heart skips. “What if she really does just want to paint me and nothing else?” Lexa quirks a curious brow, knowing the question is verging on very, very obvious territory. She hadn’t expected it to go this way, but she’s curious if Clarke will even notice.

“Is she an art student?” The blonde asks, kicking at the dirt below them instead of looking up, voice quiet than normal.

“Yeah.” Lexa admits, wondering if Clarke will get it this time.

“Of course she is. If she’s looking at you like that she wants to do more than paint you.” Clarke wiggles her eyebrows before breaking apart from her and she begins to descend the rest of the hill again.

“So that’s a good sign.” Lexa catches up, taking in a deep breath.

“Yes gorgeous, it’s a great sign. Don’t think you’ll be needing me much longer. Costia was all over you last night.” Clarke seems to say with a bite and Lexa is surprised, stopping Clarke as they’re almost at the edge of the hill.

“It’s not Costia.” She states with a hard tone, urging the blonde to believe her. She really doesn’t know how much more obvious she can be without blatantly saying it out loud. She wonders if even then Clarke would find some excuse… perhaps that just the way Clarke wants it.

“Come on Lexa, she’s an art student, she loves to paint. She’s always giving you those eyes I’ve seen it, and by the looks of the night before, you seem to want her too.” Clarke wrinkles her nose; her tone is louder than normal. That something in her eyes glinting and looking maybe irritated with her?

It makes Lexa’s stomach turn unpleasantly. “I told you I’d tell you if you guessed it right.” She says quietly, hoping to change the suddenly tense atmosphere back to what it had been before.

“Well I don’t believe you.” Clarke rolls her eyes and Lexa doesn’t like how the mood has shifted at all, watching as Clarke begins to walk away from her and she feels like she’s missing something, like something needs to be said but she doesn’t know what to say and she doesn’t exactly know what she’s done to upset her. She just knows she wants to fix it.

“Wait,” Lexa stops her again, at the end of the hill. “I wouldn’t lie.” She tries to meet Clarke’s eyes, to silently convince her that she would never lie to her, that she’d tell her if it was Costia, but the fact of the matter is, it’s not Costia… _it’s you_.

“I guess I can understand why you want it to be private. I understand.” Clarke huffs slightly. “And Costia’s pretty I guess… I just…” Clarke looks at anything but her. “I don’t know.” She’s still upset, her eyebrows knitted together as she tries to think through the thoughts surfacing and running through her brain. She doesn’t know what she’s thinking but she wants to know.

So she pushes. “What?”

“It’s nothing, I’m sorry, I’m a bit tired.” Clarke deflates and looks down with a soft blush crossing her cheekbones. She’s embarrassed and whatever she’s feeling is running away with her.

“You’re not mad at me?” Lexa asks, willing her voice not to wobble slightly, wanting nothing more than to fix this.

“No.” Clarke says swallowing slightly. Lexa tries desperately to search for anything in her eyes and Clarke’s giving her that look again, that look that’s begging her to understand something, but she doesn’t know what it is and she can’t figure it out. “I’m sorry, I guess I’m getting a bit protective of you.” Clarke smiles but it looks sad. It’s missing in her eyes again, a mask going up that makes Lexa’s heart sink to her stomach.

She doesn’t want a mask. “Protective?”

“Yeah, we’ve… I feel like we’ve become pretty good friends and I just, want you to be with someone that respects you. I’m sure Costia does. I guess I just…”

“Clarke-”

“I’m a bit attached to you.” Lexa lets out a breath, Clarke’s eyes are so soft and sincere, and Lexa doesn’t know what it all means but she has lots of hope, hope that’s eating her up.

“Clarke the girl I like, she’s-”

“Forget it, you don’t have to tell me. It’s fine. I’m here to help you woo her, not know every detail of her life.” Clarke dismisses it, blinking her eyelids several times as if to will away whatever emotion had been unfurling in her chest.

“No, wait-”

“I’m in another art show next week, are you going to be there for class again?” Clarke interrupts her, eyes looking into her own again and there’s something there that tells Lexa she’d like her to let it go now, to move on and Lexa… not wanting to make things worse silently agrees. Nodding her head once and breaking her gaze away from Clarke’s.

Lexa smiles slightly, stepping into Clarke’s space and brushing blonde strands of hair behind the ear free of her pencil. “Wouldn’t miss it.” She says softly, looking into Clarke’s eyes as if trying to communicate and she can see a light blush surface on Clarke’s face, traveling across her cheeks. Deeper than before, staying despite her efforts to most likely get rid of it.

Clarke lets out a sigh. “I’ll see you there.” Clarke smiles brightly, the blush vanishing as she takes a step away from Lexa. “Goodnight,” She waves at her and starts walking off and Lexa watches her go, wondering what their conversation tonight even means.

What the hell is going through Clarke’s head? And when would even be a good time for Lexa to tell her? Would Clarke even want Lexa to tell her? Or maybe she doesn’t, maybe she already knows, and she fears it, maybe that’s what her eyes keep saying every time she gets that look… or maybe it really is something else entirely and Lexa is helpless to understand.

 

***

 

**Clarke (11:15 P.M.):** Goodnight gorgeous

Lexa stares at it for an unusual amount of time, curled up in her blankets and snuggling into all her pillows. She stares at it and feels her heart stutter going over the two simple words. She wonders if Clarke ever does this? It doesn’t seem like it’s something she would ever do, even if she was interested in dating.

With Lexa confused about the nights events she’s unsure of how to continue, only knowing that Clarke would date again is comforting. Knowing that Clarke maybe hasn’t washed it off the table and that maybe she even likes Lexa is comforting, though Lexa has her doubts. Clarke seems to be so complicated… maybe only because there are so many pieces of her that she doesn’t know yet and Lexa wants to know them all.

She thinks she’ll keep trying, she’ll continue with this ridiculous plan and see where it leads. See what she learns and discovers about Clarke since in the end that had been the main goal all along. She thinks she knows a lot more than she started out with. And even if it ends in Clarke telling her she’s not interested, at least from this she knows she’s developing a friendship she’d like to keep.

Even if friendship is often not on Lexa’s mind.

She hopes that it’s not exactly on Clarke’s either. She’s a bit confusing, but hadn’t she seemed a bit put out at the idea that it could be Costia? Isn’t that a sign of something? She sounded like Lexa felt the night before watching her make-out with some girl Lexa had never seen before. Or maybe it was all in Lexa’s head, maybe that was all only hope and she was only hearing what she wanted to hear?

She won’t exactly know until she works up the courage up to admit to Clarke who it is that she likes her and works up even more courage to ask if Clarke might like her too.

**Lexa (11:32 P.M.):** Goodnight Clarke  <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a large serving of back story, dark pasts, and clexa being sweet with each other, enjoy. :)

“Ugh, Lexa.” Clarke groans, sliding the books away from her and plopping her head in her arms. “I’m tired, lets go get dinner.” She grumbles, glancing up at Lexa through lashes. It’s adorable and it has the corners of Lexa’s mouth turning up in a fond smile before she can stop it.

She shakes her head to appear less affected. “We’ve only been at it an hour, and I let you skip out early so we could get breakfast this morning.” Clarke had been nothing but dramatic with their new study schedule, but they only had another month until Indra’s final and Lexa liked to make sure she studied as much as possible for these things.

“You’ve increased our study days to nearly every day of the week, twice a day on Thursdays, I think it would be okay if we cut back on the hours.” There she goes again. Lexa didn’t always like studying either, but she did like learning and putting as much focus as she could into her studies as she does for Anya. If she wants to stay here she has to prove to her parents that she wants to be here, and after their feelings recently to her moving and changing majors, she knows it’s going to take a lot.

“The final is coming up and I don’t know about you, but it’s important I do very well on it.” She fixes a pointed look on Clarke, perhaps this is why Clarke says she has a C average. She always seemed way more focused on drawing than she ever did on studying, even now, her book is filled with doodles and half-sketches, which Lexa finds adorable, but Clarke is a terrible study partner.

The blonde huffs dramatically in the seat beside her and the corner of Lexa’s lips are turning up again, even as she tries to repress the smile. “You know I want to do well, this is just so boring. Come on, we can go to that one place you like.” Clarke is sitting up now, more determined to convince Lexa to get out of here. She slides closer to her, batting her eyelashes and looking utterly innocent.

Lexa rolls her eyes. “My friends always go there.” She states simply and fiddles with the page in her book, trying to ignore the puppy dog eyes suddenly being sent in her direction. Of course, in the end she knows she’ll give in, perhaps Clarke has already learned that as well and that’s why she persists.

“We’ll hide in the back.” She pops her bottom lip out in a pout and Lexa is scoffing at it.

She shakes her head, avoiding eye contact the best she can. “Niylah just started working there, best not to risk it.” She states firmly, tapping her pen against her notebook.

Clarke huffs. “Niylah, of course.” She lets out a breath and flips through the notebook in front of her. The pout dissipates on her face and Lexa lets go of a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding. Did she survive the Clarke Griffin pout, or was it a merely an illusion? No doubt it will return. “How about this, I go get us dinner from that place you like while you continue to study? I’ll come back with it and that way we won’t starve to death.” The blonde seems to reason, sending about her hand in the air as if to draw a map for her mission.

Lexa raises an eyebrow at her. Clarke was stubborn, she wouldn’t give up. “No food in the library _Clarke_.” She says slowly, clicking the “k” in the blonde’s name and watching as Clarke stills for a moment before turning to look at her. It’s interesting, how this look is so much different from the pout she had been doing earlier. It’s darker, but there’s fire in it, Clarke’s eyes examining her own before they drop to her mouth.

It takes Clarke ten seconds to pull herself out of it. “Ugh, then let’s go to the hill.” She mumbles a bit more stubbornly, shifting in her seat and crossing her legs together. She pulls back her notebook full of doodles and flips the page to something empty, immediately her hand is moving and Lexa watches as she begins to draw her. Win or lose, Clarke is drawing her either way.

“We won’t study on the hill.” She states simply for the sake of arguing.

Clarke groans, stops drawing a rough sketch a moment to glance at her. “Lexa please, I promise we’re not going to fail this final.” She states firmly.

Lexa raises an eyebrow in her direction. “You seem so confident for someone who asked me to tutor them.” The brunette teases, grinning widely as a light blush forms on the blonde’s cheeks. She adjusts in her seat again, eyes examining the raised eyebrow.

Clarke glances down at her notebook and clears her throat. “I trust your abilities.” She mumbles with a shrug, when she looks back up the blush is gone. “Please Lexa, I want to draw and I’m starving, and I haven’t seen you eat since breakfast.” The puppy dog eyes are back, and she’s batting her eyelashes but there’s no pout to her lip.

Lexa grins at her. “The only class we have together is Indra’s so of course you haven’t.”

The blonde releases a very long sigh and Lexa can’t help the smile that grows wider on her face. “When was the last time you ate?”

“I don’t know, sometime around lunch.” She keeps her focus on her and watches as the blonde glares at her.

“Exactly, and now it’s dinner time.” She mutters firmly, batting her eyelashes some more and because Lexa is fully looking at her, the action causes her to melt more than normal.

She visibly rolls her eyes at her. “Ugh fine, you’re such a baby.”

“Yes!” The blonde cheers, throwing her arms around Lexa and pressing a sloppy kiss to her cheek before she’s releasing her and packing up her stuff. Lexa takes in a breath and touches her cheek lightly. Maybe she should give in more often when Clarke bats her eyelashes at her.

 

***

 

“Lexa, the one girlfriend you had, did she break your heart?” The blonde seems to ask though she’s deep into her drawing. Averagely she doesn’t talk much when she looks so incredibly focused, but Lexa figures the silence of the library had ate away at her enough. They had finished dinner an hour ago and Lexa had been so focused on her textbook that she hadn’t even bothered to start a conversation. Not that silence was uncomfortable with Clarke, it never was. Lexa could sit here contentedly with her forever and never say a word.

Lexa despite having given in to abandoning the library for the hill, was still more focused on studying, chewing on the end of her pin as she stares at a textbook. “Huh?” Her eyebrows knit together as she tried to think of why Clarke would ask her that, while simultaneously trying to stay focused on the text in front of her.

“You know, broken heart, ever had one?” Clarke asked amused, eyes twinkling at her when she looks up from her textbook long enough to glance at them. She wonders how it’s possible for Clarke to continue to look absolutely beautiful every single day, effortlessly. She’s always had the urge to ask but figured Clarke will just give her a simple reply of “ _genetics_ ” or something equally less informative.

“I don’t think so, at the time maybe, but after you get over something you can think clearer. So, I would say no.” Lexa shakes her head as Clarke lets out a long deep sigh, but Lexa isn’t quite sure what kind of sigh it is.

“Good.” Clarke sets the drawing she had been working on beside her. “I finished this.” She pops the notebook closed. “I’ll give it to you when we leave.” Clarke smiles at her sweetly and Lexa watches the upturn of her lips a moment before another question is forming deeply in her brain.

“Why?” She asks simply, wondering what Clarke’s motives could have been for the conversation, even though she seemed to be trying to change it now. Why did she start it in the first place?

“Because it’s my best one and I want you to be surprised.” The blonde quirks a brow at her as Lexa is shaking her head.

“No, not that, why did you ask me that question?” She asks, planning on to persist this time if Clarke deflects.

“Oh, I don’t know, I just wondered I guess.” Clarke scoots across the space between them and pulls her textbook away from her and Lexa is frowning, mind slipping from the questions inside of her head to pure protest at the action. “Take a break.” Clarke states slowly and simply and Lexa goes to reach out for her book.

“Wait-”

“No protesting, you’ve been studying for hours. You need a break.” Clarke sets her textbook next to her own notebook and Lexa looks at it longingly. She knows she hasn’t studied enough, despite what Clarke thinks. She doesn’t keep a 102% by winging it.

Clarke notices and turns Lexa’s attention toward her with her fingertips on her jawline delicately. “ _Break_.” She says again, and Lexa gives her a sullen nod before turning away to look out at the sky. The silence between them increases for a moment, stretching until Clarke seems to decide to disrupt it. “Tell me about your first girlfriend.” She asks almost innocently, and Lexa takes her bottom lip between her teeth at the request.

“Not much to tell.” She admits quietly, with a shrug.

“Tell me anyway.” Clarke scoots closer to her, until their sides are pressed up together and Lexa lets out a content sigh at the contact, the normal buzz between them increases every time they touch. She likes the feeling of being so close to her, and she’s hoping someday she’ll have enough courage to mutter that very truth to Clarke, even if it is under her breath.

“I met her a few years ago. Right before college, she was nice and pretty and we both didn’t have much experience, so we somewhat liked each other and decided to explore things, just to kind of have the minimal experience, to kind of know what we’re doing.” Lexa chuckles slightly as she waves her hand about as if she could draw the experience in the air.

Clarke seemed to listen to her intently, eyes watching her lips move and posture directed toward her. “What happened to end it?” She asks curiously, continuing with her line of questioning. Lexa is surprised that she doesn’t seem to mind so much as she normally would if anyone else was enquiring about her past in this way.

She lets out a soft sigh as the reality of that time in her life comes back to her. “Me. I started to want more, she didn’t, it ended. At the time it sucked, but it really was for the best.” Lexa shrugs her shoulders and glances to her right side to look at Clarke who is still watching her so intently. She is close to her, closer than normal and Lexa would be lying if she said she wasn’t silently relishing in the limited space between them.

She really likes being close to Clarke, even if nothing ever comes of it. Even if it’s simply just them, here, pressed together for the sake of closeness, she always really likes it. “Do you miss her?” The blonde asks, her head tilted to the right slightly, her hair falling over her shoulder and Lexa’s eyes move on their own accord to follow the strands. Clarke is so beautiful, cast in the sunlight disappearing and soft blue eyes twinkling into her own. Her tongue ties a moment, eyes dropping to Clarke’s lips as she wonders what they feel like.

Lexa laughs. “Not really, I mean, I don’t think about her very often. I don’t even have her number.” She states honestly, letting her eyes roam back up to meet Clarke’s blues, noticing a soft blush along the girl’s cheeks that she doesn’t know the reason for. She just knows it’s beautiful.

Clarke chuckles. “Bet she misses you, how could she not?” Clarke’s fingers brush through the side of her hair, the way they often do, to brush back the strands behind her ear and Lexa can’t help the slight shudder when her fingertips purposely graze across the edges of her ear.

“I doubt that.” Lexa smiles shyly, licking at her lower lip as Clarke’s eyes fall to the action.

“She’s a total idiot.” Clarke rolled her eyes, seemingly annoyed and adjusted her posture. Sitting up beside Lexa, but still remaining close to her. “What kind of person, gets you and then lets you go? _So dumb_.” The blonde rolls her eyes and literally seems annoyed at the reality. Shaking her head with a slight frown on her lips.

Lexa knits her eyebrows together as she glances at the blonde, taking in her words and wondering exactly what she means. The blush accompanies her cheeks, because it sounds a lot like Clarke is saying something else though Lexa is aware she could just be reading into it. “Some people just aren’t meant to be.” She says quietly, her voice unable to go up another octave with her increasing heart rate. _Clarke could be saying something else._

“She’s still an idiot.” Clarke says with conviction and Lexa lets out a soft laugh.

She smiles at the blonde lightly and watches soft blue eyes meet her own again. “What about you?” She probes softly, not wanting to scare Clarke away or make her uncomfortable with turning the questions around on the blonde but at the same time wanting to know Clarke’s very own stories.

The blonde knits her eyebrows together deep in thought. “Heartbreak?” Her voice squeaks slightly as she seems to take in the reality of the enquiry and Lexa wonders if she’s going to get up and sprint away from her again like she had that other night.

“Yeah, I mean, if you want to tell me that is.” She recovers, a soft comforting and light smile on her mouth so Clarke knows that she’s here to listen and to be here for her but never to push and make her uncomfortable. She is simply here to get to know her, to become her friend, maybe even more than that if Clarke would like.

“I’ll tell you.” Clarke sighs and adjusts so she’s leaning her head on the girl’s shoulder. Lexa’s heart takes off, gripping the wood of the bench to keep her arm from moving around Clarke the way it wants to do. “I was sixteen.” Clarke sighs again, voice lower than normal. “We were together for a little while. He was sweet, but at some point, we started fighting a lot. The night we broke up he had told me he had feelings for someone else, it was a big confusing mess at the time. But it ended on my front porch and my dad decided to give him a ride home because it was dark.” Clarke shrugs. “He died that night too.” She mumbles with her voice quieter, revealing a lot more about how she feels about the situation than Lexa assumed she wanted too.

Her heart plummets to her stomach immediately. “ _Oh_ ,” Lexa lets her arm move around Clarke and pulls the girl into her and Clarke lets out a contented sigh like it’s what she had been waiting for. “I’m so sorry.” She says quietly, sternly because she truly is. The urge to protect Clarke, even from things she can’t, even from her past is so strong, a feeling building in her chest and surfacing across every part of her body making her hold on Clarke subconsciously grow tighter.

“No, it’s… it was a while ago.” Clarke lifts her head off Lexa’s shoulder and meets the girl’s eyeline. “I loved him, but our relationship was… rocky.” Lexa reaches up with her free hand to brush back strands of Clarke’s hair behind her ear as the blonde looks down at their closely pressed bodies. “I do miss him though.” She admits in nearly a whisper, so quiet Lexa almost doesn’t hear it.

She wants to pull Clarke into her arms fully. “Of course.” Lexa wants to hug her so tightly, to hold her even though she knows it wouldn’t make the pain of the past go away or heal it. She still wanted to do something, but instead she sat, as close as she possibly could be and watched Clarke closely, gave her all her attention, undivided despite the papers that had begun to blow in the wind that seemed to be picking up.

For a long while it’s silent between them, Clarke’s eyebrows bunched together in that way they get when she’s thinking too deeply, and Lexa isn’t about to interrupt her because Clarke had just shared something so heavy and personal with her. Instead she only watches her, her arm still around her waist.

“Sorry, that was kind of depressing.” The blonde says with a slight chuckle, a defense mechanism with walls building up and Lexa is worried that she had misinterpreted her silence.

“No, don’t apologize, it’s okay. You can talk to me.” Lexa wants to smack herself across the cheek for that one. The look Clarke gives her is not one of gratitude, it’s something else. Lexa doesn’t know what it is, but Clarke is placing some distance between them after it and she curses herself silently for saying the wrong thing.

“Thanks Lexa,” The blonde says quietly, and Lexa wants to reach across the space again and pull Clarke back into her arms, but she doesn’t. The mood had shifted and changed into something less pleasant, less comforting and more panicked and maybe uncomfortable. Lexa turns back to the sky, gripping the wood as the breeze makes her shiver.

“Any time.” She says softly and doesn’t meet Clarke’s eyes when the blonde’s gaze lands on her again. She fears she’s overstepped somehow, in an impossible way again and she doesn’t know how to fix it. She’s just contemplating her options in hopes Clarke doesn’t make a run for it when the blonde moves back into her space and presses a gentle kiss to her cheek, near the corner of her mouth.

Her stomach flips and her eyes close at the touch, a small gasp escaping her lips as the blonde slowly pulls away from her. And then Clarke is gripping her hand, slipping her fingers in between Lexa’s and turning her jaw lightly with the fingertips on her free hand and making Lexa meet her eyeline and Lexa is sure she’s stopped breathing, completely forgot how to breathe. Clarke is close, her breath puffing against her lips and when Lexa does remember to breathe, and she takes a large breath in, she can smell the blonde’s normal lovely scent, invading her senses.

Her heart pounds in her ribcage as Clarke’s eyes drop to her lips and she thinks maybe she’ll do it, they’re so close already but whatever confidence Clarke had seemed to have slightly dissipates and her eyes are meeting emerald ones again. She is paralyzed to look away or even move. “Really, I mean it, thank you.” She says with slight determination and all Lexa can offer is a simple shallow nod, her throat completely dry and her tongue stuck to the roof of her mouth.

And just like that, in an instant, Clarke’s touch is gone. Vanished back to her side of the bench and Lexa is taking in another mouthful of air into her burning lungs, trying not to be so obvious with the blush that flushes across her face. Had Clarke been about to kiss her?

She wishes she had.

“I think there’s someone I wouldn’t mind getting my heart broken by.” Lexa says with a lick to her lower lip, looking at Clarke as the blonde hesitates before looking up into her eyes. She smiles slightly, something clearly in it, her eyebrows too bunched with thoughts and Lexa for once wishes she could understand what was going through her head, just once.

“If that girl ever breaks your heart, I’ll kick her ass.” And the brunette can’t help the laugh that escapes her as she says it. The ridiculousness of the situation. The blonde seems to smile easier at her laugh, eyes back to twinkling and the tension between them dwindles. Above anything else, Lexa knows they’re friends. Clarke wouldn’t share information so personal with anyone that wasn’t a friend and Lexa, well Lexa wouldn’t either. She just wonders how much longer she has until Clarke inevitably figures it out.

 

***

 

 **Clarke (5:12 P.M.):** I’m trying to draw you from memory

Lexa bit down on her bottom lip as she gazes at the text message, standing in line behind Anya at the movie theater. The older girl had insisted they see some new movie that had come out the night before that Lexa can’t remember the name of it. It’s really not important what it’s called, she’s only here to spend time with Anya, despite her focus being distracted on a certain blonde.

She can’t help it, Clarke is Clarke.

 **Lexa (5:13 P.M.):** How’s that working out for you?

 **Clarke (5:13 P.M.):** Terrible, I’m not capturing you right, I’ve severely underestimated my talents

 **Lexa (5:14 P.M.):** Impossible, you’re the most talented person I know.

“Do you want popcorn?” Anya broke through her thoughts and Lexa glanced up from her phone to meet her sister’s eyeline. She’s got that annoyed look she gets on her face when Lexa is with her and looking at her phone too often and she knows her time to text Clarke is limited before Anya starts lecturing her about it.

“Sure.” She said softly, her sister nods shallowly before stepping up to the counter and ordering their tickets and popcorn.

 **Clarke (5:17 P.M.):** you must not know many people

 **Lexa (5:17 P.M.):** stop it, you know you’re talented

 **Clarke (5:18 P.M.):** I am but I have to be humble about it :P

“Oh no, don’t look, it’s Reyes.” Anya mutters under her breath, looping her arm with his sister’s and pulling her in the opposite direction toward their theater. The popcorn against her side, held up by her free arm with the tickets in the hand of the arm looped in Lexa’s.

Lexa looks up to meet the Latina’s eyeline and she waves with a smile on her face that Raven seems to return happily as she’s on her way out. She must have to be somewhere because she doesn’t come over to say hello in normal Raven fashion, even as her eyes scan down Anya’s body.

“Since when do you wave and smile at Raven Reyes?” Anya seems to ask bewildered, pulling the brunette to a stop. _Right_ , Lexa hasn’t told her yet.

“We had a talk a few weeks ago. She’s alright.” The brunette shrugs her shoulders as she glances at the exit Raven had taken before meeting her sister’s eyeline. Her eyes are narrowed suspiciously but Lexa doesn’t really know for what purpose.

“She’s alright? Was she alright when she was knocking into you throwing your books to the floor?” Lexa rolls her eyes and stops her sister from walking when she goes to start toward the theater again, in a confused huff.

“It’s okay, she’s actually kind of cool and thinks you’re pretty.” Lexa watches the blush surface across her sister’s cheekbones and can’t help the smile that attaches itself to her lips.

It’s silent for a moment as Anya seems to take in this new information. “You shouldn’t be friends with her,” Anya turns away from her defiantly, a knit to her brows and the flush still along her high cheekbones.

Lexa smirks. “Don’t be ridiculous, you would see that she’s pretty cool if you give her a chance.” The brunette encourages teasingly, watching the blush increase. No doubt her sister is thinking about Raven calling her pretty and Lexa finds it pretty funny. Perhaps blushing, despite lack of blood relation, runs in the family.

Anya only rolls her eyes again. “Whatever, come on.” She drags Lexa toward their theater just as the brunette releases a soft laugh.

 **Lexa (5:21 P.M.):** you never have to be anything but yourself with me

 

***

 

 **Clarke (5:44 P.M.):** I hope this movie was worth it

 **Clarke (5:45 P.M.):** Because my drawing for the night is completely ruined.

Lexa smirks down at her phone, imagining Clarke over her own notebook, scribbling and erasing and re-drawing over and over again. Maybe it’s her jawline that’s stumped her again, Lexa isn’t sure. All she knows is that Clarke creates magic with her fingertips, so she doubts its as bad as the blonde is leading on.

 **Lexa (5:45 P.M.):** I think you’re being dramatic.

 **Clarke (5:46 P.M.):** I am not, your face is entirely too perfect. I actually give up.

 **Lexa (5:46 P.M.):** Since when did Clarke Griffin become a quitter?

 **Clarke (5:46 P.M.):** Not so much as quitting as conceding to a battle I cannot win

 **Lexa (5:47 P.M.):** I believe in you.

 **Clarke (5:47 P.M.):** Stop being insufferably cute.

“Lexa, you aren’t even watching the movie.” Anya lightly smacks at her shoulder to grab her attention and out of reflex, Lexa dims her phone screen. She glances up, quirking a brow at the giant screen before turning her head to look at her sister who’s offering her an annoyed glare.

“What?” She mumbles sheepishly.

Her sister only rolls her eyes. “Don’t “ _what_ ” me in that innocent tone, you can talk to your girlfriend later.” She states sternly, and she knew this was coming. Lexa had been on her phone most of the night, texting Clarke because well… it’s Clarke. She had been anticipating Anya’s lecture.

“She’s not my girlfriend.” She states truthfully, even though the word girlfriend associated in anyway near the idea of Clarke makes Lexa’s stomach flip with anticipation. The only way it’ll happen is if Lexa manages to build up the courage to tell Clarke, or Clarke figures it out and somehow returns these feelings. It’s possible she does, Lexa knows that, she’s not blind. But after everything Clarke has told her, she knows that even if she does, Clarke is careful with her own heart and she can’t blame her.

Lexa kind of assumes in a way that she must prove herself, prove that she won’t hurt her, even if that seems slightly unfair Lexa doesn’t think so. She can understand; besides, Clarke hasn’t dated in a long time and though Lexa’s goal wasn’t exactly that as it’s been to get to know her, she still would like it to happen, she just assumes she has to be careful about how she goes about making it happen. “Could have fooled me with the way you’re smiling at your phone. Like a lovesick puppy, it’s gross.” Anya scoffs and Lexa can’t help the slight blush surfacing across her face.

“You’re being rude.” She states firmly and turns to look at the giant screen playing the movie that she has no idea what’s going on in.

“Please get off your app device.” Anya pouts beside her.

“Stop calling it that.” Lexa lets out a throaty laugh that earns her a look from a few of the other patrons in the theater, which has her shrinking slightly in her seat.

“You’ve been on it all night.” Anya pouts.

She licks at her lower lip. “I’m paying attention.” She lies staring at the screen too hard before she glances at her sister who’s giving her a disbelieving and knowing look.

“What’s going on then?” Lexa bites her lower lip and stares at the screen again, clearly caught.

“I’m sorry.” Anya huffs.

“I’ll forgive you if you put your phone away.” She raises her eyebrow at her and Lexa frowns knowing she’ll have to give in. She doesn’t want to upset her sister and she did come here to spend time with her. It’s only fair. It’s not her sister’s fault she’s got a really bad crush.

She lets out a defeated sigh. “Let me say goodbye?”

“Sure.” Anya rolls her eyes. “I still think you should go for it, just ask her out.” She crosses her arms along her chest and stares at the screen in front of her.

“Maybe,” Lexa bites her lip.

 **Lexa (5:51 P.M.):** Anya’s on my back, text you after the movie?

 **Clarke (5:51 P.M.):** I’ll call you and you can make a run for it.

 **Lexa (5:51 P.M.):** Don’t be silly, I don’t need an escape

 **Clarke (5:52 P.M.):** Fine :( I’ll talk to you later gorgeous

Lexa blushes and hits the power on her phone and shoves the device into her pocket. She spends ten minutes watching the movie, tapping her fingers impatiently against the cup holder on her seat before she’s glancing at her sister almost sheepishly.

“Hey, An, I forgot I promised Aden I’d call tonight, I’ll be right back.” She feels bad, she does. She’s acting like a teenager with an infatuation, she knows it. Using her brother as an excuse is a low, because she knows Anya won’t mind.

“Okay,” Anya waves her hand dismissively, eyes focused on the movie as she’s shoving a piece of popcorn into her mouth. She lets out a breath and quietly gets up from her seat, making her way out of the theater.

As she’s making her exit she manages to nearly run into Raven who has indiscreetly bought a ticket to the movie that’s half over.

“Hello,” Lexa says with a slight chuckle.

Raven smiles warmly at her and maybe slightly amused. Raven always seems to be amused over something. Lexa used to find it kind of annoying, now she finds it kind of endearing. “Where are you escaping too?”

She waves her phone slightly. “I have a phone call to make, I just left Anya, you should join her.” She has the urge to wink but she holds it back, Raven’s going to need to keep her composure once she heads into the movie theater.

“Have somewhere else to be?” She questions looking at her phone and there’s a look on her face, like she knows something Lexa doesn’t, as if hinting at something she’d like Lexa to figure out. It’s interesting to say the least but Lexa lets it go.

“Possibly, but I know why you’re here.” She grins at Raven as the Latina blushes lightly before rolling her eyes.

“Where’s she sitting?” She asks clearly, adjusting something with the brace on her leg before standing up straighter again.

“Second row at the top, near the center.” Lexa grins widely at her and the Latina rolls her eyes again.

“Thanks,” She huffs.

“Have fun.” Raven rolls her eyes but disappears into the dark theater. With an amused smile she makes her way toward the wall beside the theater doors and pulls her phone back out, clicking Clarke’s name and calling her, pressing the phone to her ear.

It picks up on the second ring. “I thought you didn’t need an escape?”

Lexa shrugs even though she knows Clarke can’t see her. “Maybe I changed my mind. What are you doing right now?” She asks as she takes her bottom lip between her teeth, fiddling with the zipper on her light sweater as she waits for her reply.

“I’ve given up on drawing you, I am now painting, something I’m good at.” Clarke huffs stubbornly into the phone mic and Lexa can’t help the chuckle that escapes her.

“Would you like to get dinner with me?” She asks gently. The question phrased in that way sounds like a date, as it always sounds every single time they seem to ask each other to go anywhere. Lexa wonders if Clarke thinks it feels like that too, or if she is more unaware of it, not at all focused on the implications of questions phrased in that way.

It wouldn’t surprise Lexa if she always ignores it. “Where?”

“I was thinking pizza?” She asks hopefully, still fiddling with her zipper nervously, like Clarke will turn her down.

“Okay, where should I meet you?” The blonde’s voice is light and easy in her ear and she lets out a quiet breath.

“I’ll come to you, address?”

“I’ll text you.” And with that they hang up. Lexa receives Clarke’s text and heads out of the movie theater to call an Uber and make her way to Clarke’s apartment. She shoots a quick text to Anya, telling her she has to leave for a study group thing, but she doubts Anya will even be paying attention to her phone. Perhaps her impromptu date with Raven will go well and Anya will forgive her for ditching.

 

 

Lexa arrives at Clarke’s apartment not too long after receiving the text. She’s standing in front of Clarke’s door, wishing she had done her make-up a bit better and worn something a little nicer before she finally knocks. She’s nervous for some reason, like she and Clarke haven’t been spending nearly every day together and when they are apart, they’re texting.

The door flings open and it’s not Clarke on the other side. “Lexa! What are you doing here?” Octavia greets her with a wide warm smile and the brunette can’t help but feel a little nervous.

“I’m here to see Clarke.” She says quietly, honestly and the smile on the girl in front of her seems to widen noticeably.

“Are you?” She giggles. “CLARKE, your date is here.”

“Oh actually”

“Come in,” Octavia moves to the side, opening the door wider to allow Lexa to pass the threshold into the apartment.

“Thanks.” She mumbles shyly and takes a few steps past the entry hallway, coming out into the living room. Clarke appears out of a door to the left of the living room, she looks far prettier than Lexa does, and the brunette can’t help but swallow at that, eyes roam down Clarke’s body before they can help themselves.

Why Clarke had opted for a simple white dress is beyond her, all she knows is that she looks absolutely stunning in it and she hopes her staring isn’t too obvious. “Hey, I’m almost ready, just two seconds.” She gives Lexa a warm and bright smile and again Lexa cannot help but compare her to the sun.

She returns it. “Of course, take your time.” She says sweetly, and watches Clarke’s own smile grow, big and genuine before disappearing back into her room.

“Haven’t seen her ever look at someone like that… well… since Niylah anyway.”

“Niylah?” Lexa raises an eyebrow and turns her head to look at Octavia who slaps her hands to her mouth.

“Shit, sorry, I’m running my mouth.” Octavia scurries away from her. “Make yourself at home Lexa!” She shouts down the hall and seems to disappear, possibly heading to her room.

Lexa frowns as she takes in this new information, making her way slowly over to the couch in the middle of the living room and delicately taking a seat on the sofa. She waits, it’s silent, and her thoughts run wild. Niylah? Is Niylah the girl Raven had been talking about when mentioning the feud? Anya was never into Niylah? Was she?

Lexa shakes her head and runs her fingertips through her hair, tugging back the strands briefly and wishing she had braided them instead.

“Hey you okay?” She jumps at the sound of Clarke’s voice, looking up from the spot she had been burning a hole into the floor and meets Clarke’s eyeline.

She takes in a breath. “Yeah, yeah I’m great. Ready?”

“Yes, sorry, I was just cleaning up my paint brushes.”

“It’s okay. You don’t have to explain.” She gives Clarke a warm smile and pulls herself up to stand. “You look beautiful by the way.” And she knows that’s definitely something you’d say if it was a date and perhaps she should bite her own tongue off, but Clarke is blushing and smiling up at her and she can’t seem to regret the comment.

“And you constantly look gorgeous.” She reaches out to graze the inside of Lexa wrist. “Let’s go.” She mumbles softly, and there’s something different about this. Something that Lexa thinks she could get used too.

 

 

The pizza place that Lexa had chosen, which she’s only been too once, was absolutely packed, which wasn’t her favorite thing in the world. She never did like big crowds of people and she finds that she’s shifting uncomfortably beside Clarke as they seem to wait for a table.

“Lex, you okay?” Clarke mumbles, glancing toward her as Lexa’s fidgeting grows worse.

She only nods and it doesn’t seem to be enough to quell whatever worry Clarke is managing to have over her. She moves closer and Lexa lets out a sigh as she glances around the restaurant. It’s loud like a high school cafeteria and she wishes she had looked up other possible pizza places before deciding on this one, only because it would be somewhat familiar.

She’s distracted, completely in her head, hoping they get a table in a corner or something when she jumps as Clarke’s fingers graze the inside of her wrist. Her heart slows down in her chest, already having been sped up and then Clarke’s warm palm is sliding against her own and she’s tangling their fingers together and she has to swallow down her emotions as the blonde squeezes her palm gently.

“We can go somewhere else if you want?” She whispers quietly near Lexa’s ear and the brunette is having trouble breathing for reasons that have nothing to do with large crowds of people.

“No, it’s,” She swallows when she glances to her side to look into Clarke’s eyes. The blonde is giving her that look again, the one she can’t read but she thinks she can read some of it and Clarke is concerned about her. Clarke is caring for her and it makes her heart pick back up in her chest to slam against her ribcage for entirely new reasons that have nothing to do with people. She swallows her emotions again. “It’s okay. I’m fine.” She assures, squeezing Clarke’s hand in her hers for good measure and hoping the statement doesn’t make her let go.

It doesn’t, she only moves closer, laying her head on Lexa’s shoulder as they wait.

It’s about ten more minutes where they just stand like that, together, hands tangled together and Clarke’s head on her shoulder again before someone comes over to greet them and seat them, thankfully, in a booth near a corner, after Clarke turns down a table in the middle.

Clarke’s hand only leaves hers when they take seats on opposite sides of the table from each other and the blonde smiles warmly at her before letting her right ankle rest against Lexa’s left. She licks at her lower lip and focuses on the menu as Clarke places drink orders for them. Tea for Lexa, normally iced and a bit bitter, soda for her. She wonders how many times now Clarke has heard her order tea, and how many times it took before she memorized it.

“Just tell me what you want, and I’ll do the talking if you need.” Clarke mutters after some silence takes over between them and Lexa can’t help but look up at Clarke and feel something grow in her chest. That same something that continues to maybe grow every day. Sure, she doesn’t quite know what it is, but she does at the same time.

“Thank you but I’m okay.”

“I know you are.” God if Clarke didn’t smile like the sun, maybe Lexa would stop melting.

“Thank you, I’m sorry I don’t like big crowds.” She whispers after a moment of quiet and heated glances and far too warm and bright smiles.

“I know, you don’t have to thank me or apologize. It’s okay.”

She can’t help but feel grateful that she ever got the chance to even meet Clarke.

 

***

 

Clarke is walking her back to her dorm room, they happen to be almost there, just a few steps away and Lexa is dreading it, not looking forward to having to part from Clarke tonight. Their hands brushing every once in awhile as they walk. It’s quiet but peaceful, they always enjoy their time together. Lexa knows she’s slowly getting even closer to the blonde, a real friendship has formed between them and though Lexa often desires more, she can’t help but be satisfied with the way things are developing.

The goal in the end was never to date Clarke, it was simply to get to know her, well that was half the goal along with the truce she’s still working on, but the getting to know Clarke was going really well. Clarke truly was just a good person, she was funny and bright and so talented, and Lexa really enjoyed her company. There was still so much to learn but she couldn’t help but feel grateful for learning the things she’s gotten too, rather than wishing she knew more.

They stop at her doors and she’s about to offer Clarke a goodbye with another kiss on her cheek, albeit a bit nervously because of Clarke taking off last time, when the blonde is gripping her hand lightly as if to grab her attention. When she looks at her Clarke looks hesitant and wonders why. “Can you come somewhere with me tonight, somewhere special to me?”

Lexa raises her right eyebrow in question, but Clarke doesn’t seem to answer it, just stares at Lexa hopefully. The brunette licks her lower lip in thought as she contemplates the option. It’s late, around nine, she should be inside, studying. She has classes tomorrow, she really shouldn’t go.

One look into bright blue eyes and she already knows she’s going to be saying yes. “Not sick of me yet?”

Clarke smiles. “I don’t think it’s possible for anyone to ever be sick of you.” Clarke mumbles and Lexa swoons, a small squeeze to her palm reminds Lexa that Clarke is still gripping her hand and she can’t help the thundering in her chest at the realization.

She’s smiling. “I’d love to go anywhere with you.” She flirts non-subtly and watches the way it makes Clarke’s cheeks heat up a slight pink and her eyelashes flutter as she takes in Lexa’s words.

“You’re getting good at this.” She mumbles quietly and glances down at her feet. Lexa has the urge to tell her that she’s only telling the truth, that it’s not a line and she’s not practicing and how she feels but she bites her tongue, instead she only smiles.

“I have a great teacher.” Clarke blushes again.

“Okay stop, so you want to go?” The blonde’s eyebrow rises slightly, and Lexa’s heart could be doing somersaults in her chest, she isn’t sure.

“Yes.” That’s all Clarke needs to hear and she’s smiling bright at her, tugging her back down the sidewalk to the road as she dials a number on her phone, her hand doesn’t let go of Lexa’s until they’re by the road, waiting for the ride Clarke had called for. She doesn’t look at Clarke when she grabs her hand again, even though she feels her own blush travel up the skin of her neck.

She can see Clarke smile at her from the corner of her eye and then Clarke’s fingers are winding with hers and she can’t help but smile as well. Who knows what’s going to happen between them, if anything will happen at all, but in this moment, Lexa can honestly say, she’s happy.

 

***

 

“Don’t be shy.” Clarke mutters in her ear quietly and Lexa tries to hold back the shiver that wants to travel through her body as Clarke’s breath tickles the shell.

“You don’t know me at all.” She teases lightly.

“I’ve got you.” Clarke squeezes her hand and leads her toward a small group of people. It was supposed to be a party of some kind, people were still arriving but the ones that were here, Clarke seemed to know. “It’ll be fun I promise, and at any time if you want to leave, we’ll go okay?” She states firmly and squeezes Lexa’s hand again when the brunette doesn’t look at her.

She swallows slightly. “Okay.”

Lexa meets a group of people Clarke went to high school with. They all greet Clarke happily, as most people do when they see her, but something is different with them. Clarke is different with them than she ever is on campus or with any of her other friends. She’s always bright but something about her is more relaxed. She learns they’re her art friends and that Clarke had been a kind of trouble maker in high school. Getting called out in class for sassing back a lot and running around with this group of art students as they created spray-painted designs and works on pavement and buildings in different areas of the city. They had never been caught though everybody suspected them, but Clarke seems lighter in their presences. Like it’s a time she misses.

Lexa learns a lot about her that night. Clarke isn’t at all anything her reputation precedes her to be, which honestly didn’t take Lexa long to figure out, but she can’t believe how incredibly off it is. The people who started Clarke’s reputation at Polis University really didn’t even know her at all and Lexa would give them a piece of her mind if she could.

The party is on the coast, in the middle of the night, the waves are crashing on cold sand and Lexa is shivering as she sips at her beer and watches the giant fire the group had set up, music playing from a speaker on the rock across from her. Slowly more people show up, but Lexa takes little notice, most of her focus remains on Clarke who is happy here, the wind on the coast whipping her hair around and the light of the fire shining in her blue eyes. Lexa thinks not many people have ever seen her like this, not many people from campus anyway.

Lexa makes sure to remember to show her gratitude for Clarke letting her in, in some kind of way, some subtle way that Clarke would undoubtedly appreciate.

It’s by the third beer that Clarke pulls her from her place against the rock and encourages her to dance with her that she realizes Clarke is so much fun, so much more than she had anticipated. She makes a crack at Lexa about owing her a dance from the one she never got at the club and Lexa inevitably gives in.

Clarke is exciting to dance with, so much more fun than anyone she’s ever danced with before and she can’t help that she’s laughing with her. Listening to the jokes and the music surrounding her and Clarke is free here and Lexa can understand why. There’s something about the salt-water air and cold sand and loud music that makes things lighter. Accompanied with cheap beer and a crowd of people all from a smaller part of town, just letting loose from the responsibilities that normally way over them.

Lexa doesn’t realize how many people end up arriving, she’s wrapped up in a game of beach soccer by eleven, and Clarke is cheering her on for her to even care that these people are strangers, and that parties aren’t her scene. This is different, this doesn’t feel like the parties she’s used to. She understands why Clarke loves it so much.

Lexa’s team wins and it’s halfway through a slow dance with Clarke, as she’s gazing up at the stars that she thinks she decides in this moment, that she doesn’t care what happens with her and Clarke in the end. Nothing beats this moment, right here, under a billion stars and wrapped up in Clarke’s arms as they sway to some indie song Lexa doesn’t know the name off.

Clarke is smiling warmly and softly at her again, the way she has been all night and god she looks so beautiful that Lexa is sure she’ll swallow her tongue before she’s able to respond to anything she has to say. “Thanks for coming with me.” She whispers softly, and she almost sounds like the shy one, with twinkling eyes and nervous hand movements she can feel brushing against her back where Clarke’s hands are tangled together around her.

“Thanks for inviting me.” She offers lowly, surprised at how quiet and raspy her voice has managed to become. Over several beers and a loud match of soccer, she really should have known that her emotions would not be easily concealed with Clarke so damn close to her.

She doesn’t even have the energy to hide them. She just wants to stay here forever. “Can I admit something to you?” Clarke whispers softly again and Lexa’s eyes glance down to her lips as she bites her bottom one before releasing it.

She gives her a shallow nod. “Always.” She mumbles and subconsciously pulls Clarke closer with her arms still around Clarke’s neck and resting on the blonde’s shoulders.

“I family still lives here; my childhood home is here.” Clarke smiles at her gently and Lexa cocks her head to the side to study the features of her face.

Maybe alcohol is clouding her judgement, but she thinks Clarke is looking at her in the way that she always looks at Clarke. “In this town?”

“Mhm,” Clarke turns slightly, removing one arm from around Lexa’s waist and points into the dark, the moonlight shining on a line of houses. “The blue house way back there, I don’t think you can see it but it’s there.” She stays pointing as Lexa follows where she’s pointing too. She can’t see it, not really, but it must be one of them.

“Do you miss it?” She finds herself asking, hoping Clarke will continue to talk to her and open up. She likes getting to know her, likes everything Clarke is willing to tell her. She loves being someone Clarke is placing her trust into and she makes a secret promise to herself to always try and do her best and being someone Clarke can trust for as long as they know each other.

“Yes, all the time. But it’s hard to be here.” Clarke’s arm moves back around her, she feels her hands tangle together again, around her waist, against her lower back and she sighs at the light graze of her fingertips.

It really could be the cold making her shiver, but she doubts it at this point. “Why?”

Clarke blinks up at her. “You know that story I told you, about my boyfriend? Finn.” She says his name and Lexa can’t help but think the name is a little funny, being slight inebriated though, it’s unsurprising when she chuckles lightly.

Clarke doesn’t seem to take offense to this, only smiling at Lexa’s giggle and her hold grows tighter, subconsciously pulling Lexa closer to her. “Yes.”

“My dad gave him a ride home…” She says again, something in her eyes finishes the sentence enough as Lexa’s eyebrows knit together in deep thought.

She frowns. “Oh… _oh_.” The realization is unpleasant and the need to protect Clarke is back, full force, the same way it had been before. That feeling in her chest growing bigger, almost massive as she tugs the blonde closer to her so that they are finally fully pressed together.

Clarke’s breath hitches at the contact. “Yeah, it was that ride.” She mumbles quietly, and her hands untangle from each other and press to Lexa’s back, caressing her lightly as if to keep her as close to her as possible.

“I’m sorry Clarke.” Lexa offers softly, brushing the back of her cold fingertips against the blonde’s cheek and watching the girl’s eyes flutter closed and nearly lean into the touch.

“Its not exactly hard to be home because of that, though that doesn’t help.” She says after some time has passed between them, and the quiet and silence has managed to take over. Lexa doesn’t mind the quiet, with the soft song playing for them and the sound of the waves, she could stay here forever.

She can tell by Clarke’s swallow, and the bob of her throat and the slightly new vulnerable look in her eyes that this isn’t easy for Clarke to say. It looks incredibly difficult. And Lexa wants nothing more than to wrap her up and hold and comfort her and protect her from everything bad. “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to.” She states softly and watches Clarke blink, as if to will the water in her eyes that has appeared away.

It works a little bit, the twinkle coming back to her gaze. “I brought you here, didn’t I?” Clarke teases lightly with a slight raise of her eyebrows and Lexa can’t help but trace the shape of them, smiling softly.

“Yes, you did, and I really appreciate this, I am grateful that you trust me.” She mumbles gently, hoping her words don’t slur because she knows she’s drunk. Not extremely drunk but drunk enough that she has thought about kissing Clarke many times through the evening and by the light blush that crosses the blonde’s features every time Lexa’s eyes drop to her lips, she knows she’s not being subtle about it.

“You’re adorable.” Clarke rolls her eyes and squeezes Lexa’s waist, pulling her closer, but they really can’t get much closer. Perhaps the tug is only to warn her not to part from her, to keep her there, against Clarke and swaying with her to soft music for as long as possible. Lexa knows she has no desire to leave any time soon. “My mom started dating a really nice guy. But our relationship was always rough before my dad died and then after he was gone, it just… got worse. I think she has a hard time looking at me because I look so much like him.” There’s quiet pain in Clarke’s voice, it bothers her, it really does, but Clarke is the kind of person to pretend it doesn’t. To say “it is what it is” so nobody will ask questions and leave her alone in the dark.

Lexa is the kind of person that would never leave anybody alone in the dark. “I know what it’s like to have a strained relationship with your parents.” She offers some relation, more topic of conversation, equals parts of herself to reveal so Clarke knows that she in return, not only appreciates Clarke trusting her, but she trusts Clarke too.

Clarke smiles warmly, and she seems to get what Lexa is doing. “Is that why you’re here?” She asks, and Lexa knows this question has been on Clarke’s mind for a while. She hasn’t told her that Anya is the reason she is here, she won’t tonight because she needs more time before she talks about Anya to Clarke, she needs that truce.

“Hmm, I’d like to say it’s not completely off from the reason. It’s a little bit of it I think. I was studying law back home.” She admits quietly, because she hasn’t told anyone that since arriving.

“Law? Wow that’s completely different from Art History.” Clarke’s eyebrows have raised to her hairline. She seems surprised that Lexa would ever be interested in law, but slowly that look of surprise vanishes and it’s like she seems to get it, like she automatically knows that it’s not surprising at all.

Lexa doesn’t realize how much she likes having someone know her. “I know.” She whispers and starts to play with the hairs on the nap of Clarke’s neck. The blonde shivers to her unexpected touch but doesn’t pull away from her, nor does she look uncomfortable, so Lexa continues.

“Why did you change?” She probes gently, and Lexa finds she’s surprised at how much she wants to tell her all of the whys about herself.

“I,” Lexa bit her lip. “Honestly? I love art. I wish I could draw like you.” She smiles widely as Clarke blushes and can’t help but touch Clarke’s cheek to follow the color with her fingertips again. She is drunk, her normal restraint she will wish she had in the morning, but for now, Clarke is not pushing her away and she can’t get enough of her vanilla-cinnamon scent.

Clarke smiles softly. “Did your parents not like that?”

“They weren’t too happy when I decided to change majors. To be honest, I don’t really know what I want to do. Sometimes I think I made the right decision in switching, other times I find myself wishing I hadn’t.” Despite her willingness to share with Clarke, she is still surprised at how easy it is. It’s never this easy, to talk about her life, but Clarke is listening and close to her and she is a bit drunk. However, she isn’t sure that it would be any different if she was sober.

“It is your life Lexa, you can take the time to figure it out after all.” Lexa smiles softly at Clarke and brushes more stands of her hair behind Clarke’s ear, that’s whipping up in the wind.

“Did you always know you wanted to be an artist?” She turns the question around, because she wants to learn more, know Clarke even better if the blonde will let her and tonight, she seems in the mood to share.

“Pretty much, but actually I had my heart set on med-school for most of high school. It wasn’t until sometime after my dad died that I changed that idea. Something he always said to me.” Clarke rubs her hands against Lexa’s lower back again, gently, a soft caress that makes Lexa want to melt. She can’t tug her any closer, they are already as close as they can get, and yet, Lexa wishes they could be closer.

“I could see you as a doctor.” Lexa says thoughtfully, thinking about it, the image of Clarke in scrubs and tending to wounds surfaces in her head and makes her giggle.

Clarke chuckles in amusement and possibly admiration at Lexa’s own giggle. “Yeah well, to be honest I would have hated it.” Clarke tells her honestly, laughing as Lexa does as well.

“And with a hand like yours? Can’t let that opportunity go to waste.” She’s still smiling widely, hands back to playing with the nap of hairs on her neck.

Clarke wiggles her eyebrows. “My hands are very talented.” She mumbles suggestively, and Lexa’s body reacts immediately, growing warm and she nearly squirms out of Clarke’s arms at the sudden images shuffling through her head. She is too drunk to stop them.

Lexa can’t help the blush that surfaces across her face and the giggle that escapes her despite the dark look in her eyes that she knows Clarke notices and the arousal settling in her lower stomach, twisting pleasantly. “Really Clarke, thank you for bringing me here.” She says to distract herself from the images and her thought process. She’s not drunk enough to do it, but if she had, had just one more beer, her and Clarke would be a tangle of limbs in the sand right now.

Clarke lets out a soft sigh. “I trust you Lexa… it’s new for me.” Clarke’s hands caress her lower back again and she sighs allowed.

“Well I trust you too.” She tells her honestly and Clarke’s smile in return is gift enough.

She tilts her head to the side slightly. “I’m guessing that’s not easy for you either.” She whispers it, not as a question, she knows the answer.

Lexa swallows. “No. It normally isn’t, but it was with you.” She says honestly and watches the blue in Clarke’s eyes shift as she takes in her words. She isn’t sure what she’s thinking, she’s never fully sure but she can’t imagine it’s bad when her eyes move down to look at her mouth just as Lexa licks her lower lip.

She wishes Clarke would do it… maybe she should do it? “Thank you, Lexa.” Clarke eyes are back on hers and her smile is warm and soft. No, she won’t do it. Now is not the time. Not here, not even in this perfect place. Now is not the time for that.

Her brows furrow as she comes out of her thoughts and takes in Clarke’s words of gratitude. “For what?”

Clarke smiles, a hand leaving her lower back to tangle through the side of her hair fondly, grazing against the shell of her ear so Lexa visibly shudders. “For being you.”

 

***

 

Lexa is shivering, teeth chattering. She can no longer ignore it, despite how hard she had been trying to. Clarke takes notice of this as she’s urging Lexa on a walk across the sand. It takes a moment of brief thought before she’s unzipping the hoodie she’s wearing, scattered with paint and offering it to Lexa. The music behind them is fading, the people too, the waves much louder than anything else now.

“Oh no, you need that I-”

“Take the jacket Lexa, you’re freezing.” She urges the hoodie closer to her and Lexa can’t help the soft smile of gratitude from surfacing across her face. She takes the hoodie and pulls it around her, zipping it up and crossing her arms along her chest, feeling somewhat relieved at the slight warmth it provides and even more comforted by Clarke’s scent, now invading her every sense.

If she hadn’t worn such a light sweater, this wouldn’t have been a problem. Now she has two on and Clarke has none. “Thank you.” She mutters softly, and Clarke only smiles widely at her, catching her hand and winding their fingers together. She tugs her up from the sand toward a bridge that leads across the dark area into the streets toward the houses Clarke had pointed too beforehand. She thinks maybe Clarke is taking her to see her home, but that seems like a long walk in the dark.

“Can’t let a pretty girl like you freeze to death.” The blonde winks back at her as Lexa rolls her eyes despite the light blush. They stop in the middle of the bridge and Clarke leans against the bars looking out at the water. “I came here a lot after my dad died, well, before that my dad and I would walk down from my house and we’d stop right here because nobody ever drives on this bridge and we’d just talk and sometimes I’d draw, or paint and my dad would just talk, and it was nice.” She smiles fondly at the memory. She thinks even though her eyes are on the waves, she’s not looking at them at all, but looking at her memories.

“Is it hard to stand here now?” Lexa finds herself asking, studying Clarke curiously as she holds back the urge to wrap herself around the blonde, to fall in her embrace and comfort her from her past.

“Sometimes, but I find that it’s the only spot that helps me connect to him the best. Besides this.” Clarke fiddles with the watch on her wrist and Lexa’s eyes drop to it, examining the piece of metal she hasn’t seen Clarke wear before tonight. “I don’t wear it very often; always afraid I’ll somehow lose it and it’s too important to me.” She mutters quietly and holds her wrist to her chest, like even now, it’s possible for the bulky un-working watch to disappear.

“It’s a nice watch.” Lexa says because she can’t think of much else to say and because it’s the truth. Despite the fact that it’s clearly not working, it’s quite beautiful, nearly vintage.

“Yeah, he thought so too.” Clarke chuckles.

Lexa lets out a soft sigh and steps up beside Clarke. “My parents died when I was seven.” Lexa grips the bar of the bridge next to Clarke as the blonde looks up at her, brows furrowing together in that deep thoughtful look she gets.

“You remember it?” Clarke asks, and her voice sounds far, so very far. Like she can’t possibly imagine Lexa going through that, doesn’t want to imagine it. Most people don’t. She wonders if Clarke feels the same things when Lexa tells her of her past. The need to protect, the need to comfort. If she does, the only indication would be the soft look in her gentle blue eyes.

“Yes. My mother died in a train accident, my father couldn’t cope without her and he killed himself six months later.” The brunette leans fully against the bars of the bridge hoping they’re sturdy. She’s watching the waves of the ocean crash on the sand and she wonders if the water is too cold for her to go run in it.

“Wow… I’m so sorry Lexa.” Clarke whispers softly and her hand is on Lexa’s lower back, perhaps its that urge to protect and comfort, escaping her and causing her to touch. Lexa doesn’t know if she feels it, she can’t help but kind of hope she does because that would mean they are on the same page.

Lexa waves her hand. “It’s okay. I ended up with the Woods not long after.” Lexa leans against the bars on the bridge next to Clarke and looks out at the water. “I have this locket, it was my mother’s, my father used to hold onto it all the time. I was in the house when he did it. I took the locket before it got lost, it’s the only thing I have left of them. I don’t like to wear it either.” Maybe for darker reasons she doesn’t like to wear it. But she can still understand what Clarke means when she refers to the watch as being too important.

“Some items are just too special like that.” Clarke whispers softly and her touches falls away from her lower back as she bends in the same position as Lexa against the bridge bars.

“Yeah, special.” Lexa smiles slightly. “I think sharing tragic stories solidifies our friendship.” She giggles slightly and looks at Clarke whose eyebrows knit together immediately.

“It needed solidifying?” Clarke teases, letting Lexa change the subject to something lighter.

“Yes. I don’t know, I don’t have a lot of friends I tell that too.” By not a lot of friends, she means none.

“Yes, I know how that is. Raven knows about my dad and Finn but she’s the only one.” Clarke seems to have more to say on that topic, like there’s much more to it on why Raven knows but she seems to bite her cheek. Perhaps she thinks she’s shared too much, or maybe Raven is Clarke’s Anya.

“Anya.” She says out loud.

“Only your sister knows?” Clarke asks incredulously, like she to hadn’t just told her that she hasn’t really told anyone of her own hardships.

“Yes, but I told her when I was twelve. She didn’t know anything about it because our parents decided that I should choose whether I wanted to share that information as I got older or not. Most of the time I don’t feel I need too. I’m in a good home and family for the most part, and most people just don’t stay long enough to want to know things like that.” Lexa admits honestly.

Clarke grips her hand when she says that, and her touch makes her feel warm and safe all over. “I’m not going anywhere.” She says it with such conviction, such determination and Lexa can’t help the feeling that suddenly takes over her chest. She can’t name it, something light and powerful as she looks into deep blue eyes, blue eyes who have been through enough pain of their own to understand.

“Neither am I.” She choses to answer with and leans forward to presses a light kiss to the corner of Clarke’s mouth, and she feels the girl shudder beneath her. The grip on her wrist tightens and Lexa thinks maybe she’ll run again but when she backs up Clarke isn’t looking at her that same way she had the night she had run from her.

This look is new, perhaps matching the new feeling in Lexa’s chest that’s thumping quietly along with every crash of the waves below them. Clarke blinks and then she’s parting from Lexa to look out at the ocean again.

They sit in silence for a little while, watching the waves crash before Clarke is speaking quietly into the night. “I was thinking, you’re still coming to the art exhibit, right?”

“Of course, I wouldn’t miss it.” Lexa smiles brightly at her and Clarke smiles back.

“There’s a girl there who’s been flirting with me and I thought it would be a good opportunity for you to observe and see how the whole thing works, you know, so you can maybe understand the moves a bit better and finally get that girl you’re after.” She doesn’t understand the look Clarke is giving her but the last thing she wants is for Clarke to think that she wants to watch her flirt with someone who is not her. Why would Clarke think she’d be okay with that, she would want that?

Because she doesn’t realize it’s her.

 _That girl is you._ The thought stays in her head, but it remains the truth. “Okay,” she answers meekly and keeps her eyes on the ocean. She thinks hard about what Clarke has said to her, of all the things she has learned about Clarke tonight and she’s trying to decide about what her next move should be when Clarke is touching her wrist to grab her attention again.

“Let’s get you home.”

 

***

 

It is well past one in the morning when Lexa finally makes it back to her dorm and into her bed, and though she falls asleep with a wide smile on her face and thoughts of Clarke racing through her brain. She doesn’t hear her alarm when it goes off in the morning, sleeping straight through her first class.

She’s brought back to consciousness by Costia gently tugging at her sleeve and shoving on her shoulder, shaking her slightly. “Lex,” She says softly, and Lexa’s eyes flutter open from being abruptly brought out of a very nice dream, involving Clarke and lots of bed sheets.

“Huh?” She grumbles, only wishing to return to it.

“You slept in late, and your phone is going crazy.” Costia says to her gently as Lexa rubs at her eyes and pulls herself up into a sitting position. She blindly snatches for her phone and looks at the time, noticing plenty of message from Clarke on her screen. She curses slightly at how late it is and throws the covers off her.

“Obviously you needed some extra sleep.” Costia tries to tell her calmly, watching as Lexa frantically flies through a morning routine, rushed and nearly exasperated. Lexa doesn’t miss class, that’s just not what Lexa does.

“Thanks for waking me.” Lexa mutters to her as she is slipping on a converse.

“Sure, what are roommates for, hey Lexa?” Costia’s got this look on her face, this tone to her voice that makes Lexa stop tying her shoes to give her the attention she’s requesting.

She raises an eyebrow at the shy look on her face. “Hmm?”

“Wanna hang out tonight?” Her roommate asks.

“Oh I,” Lexa furrows her eyebrows in thought. “I can’t tonight. The art exhibit is tonight.”

“And the enemy you’ve been flirting with is there?” Costia quirks a brow at her amusedly, or at least, Lexa thinks it’s amusement.

However, she panics at that statement. “What?”

“That’s what you said the other night, you’re talking to the enemy.” Costia seems to be reminding her of a moment, but she can barely remember it now, shuffling through her brain and trying to figure it out.

“Oh.” Lexa furrows her brows as she tries to remember ever saying that, but it doesn’t exactly come to her.

“I’m just kidding, maybe I’ll see you there.” Costia’s smile is bright and sweet.

Lexa gives her a polite smile back before she flies out the door, rushing down the hall and to her next class. She only glances at her phone when she’s safely in her seat, ten minutes before class is set to start.

 **Clarke (6:01 A.M.):** Morning gorgeous, wanna get breakfast since it’s my day off?

 **Clarke (6:05 A.M.):** Don’t tell me Lexa Woods is sleeping in… again

 **Clarke (6:11 A.M.):** Wake up, I’m hungry.

 **Clarke (6:15 A.M.):** I guess I’ll have breakfast without you :(

 **Clarke (6:30 A.M.):** see you tonight Lexa  <3

 **Clarke (7:10 A.M.):** Lexa wake up

 **Clarke (7:15 A.M.):** Am I going to have to come to your dorm and blow the cover of our secret friendship?

 **Clarke (7:45 A.M.):** If you’re not up by nine, I’m showing up.

 **Clarke (7:45 A.M.):** I have a class, otherwise it would be 8

She couldn’t help the wide smile on her face as she scrolled through Clarke’s messages and found herself typing something witting and teasing back. Maybe she’ll tell her early, who knows how it’ll go, who knows if it’s even a good idea after the night they shared, after all the things they just learned about each other. Maybe she should wait longer, still play this game until Clarke figures it out because Lexa knows she’s bound too.

She still doesn’t quite know which direction she’d like to go, which direction would be best for them, she does know however, that without a doubt that she won’t take an ounce of Clarke’s friendship for granted. She’ll show the girl she can trust her with anything she wants to come to her with and that she’s not going anywhere. She’ll be as much a rock for Clarke as she is for Anya, because that’s just what you do for the people you care about.

 

***

 

She wants to greet Clarke, but she hadn’t anticipated her friends to be there. She had anticipated Clarke’s friends, she had even devised a plan to talk to Clarke in front of them, but Luna and Niylah made the situation far more complicated than Lexa would like it to be. She doesn’t even know why Niylah wanted to come, she just knew she has been suspicious of her since learning that Clarke must have liked her at some point. If she were to go up to Clarke they would follow, and the last thing she wants is for them to bother Clarke while she’s showcasing her art.

She doesn’t need it to get back to Anya right now that’s for sure, but really, she just wants to save Clarke a headache. The pair were already discussing Clarke’s art being less than it should be in an art exhibit and Lexa had to physically restrain herself from punching them. Instead she’s told them to shut up, with bite, several times.

It’s not until later in the evening, when she wanders to Clarke’s painting while Niylah and Luna are near the free food that she gets the chance to even speak to her. The blonde smiles at her as she’s talking to some girl beside her, the girl is fluttering her eyelashes, but Clarke isn’t paying her much attention after noticing that Lexa’s coming up to her.

Lexa thinks that’s a good sign as she seems to dismiss herself from the girl and makes her way toward her part of the exhibit. “Last time I was here, you had only one painting.” She states simply, ignoring the girl to the right of them, still staring at Clarke far too wickedly.

 _Stop looking at her like that._ She wants to say. _Clarke is not a piece of meat._

“That was an assignment, this is a job.” Clarke grins widely, quirking her eyebrows in amusement at the brunette. Lexa lets her eyes trail down Clarke’s body, appreciating the simple blue dress on her body before grazing the paintings hung in a row along the wall. They’re all mostly landscape, outside of one. One looks out across a beautiful landscape but it’s not the landscape that’s the center of it. A woman’s back is, sheet around her body and head turned slightly, with her arms bent above her head like she’s beginning to stretch.

Lexa’s studies it for too long, wondering when Clarke did this, if she had done it with someone, how long it took, how it’s possible for someone to be so incredibly talented. “You like that one huh?” Clarke’s voice is low, that suggestive tone to it again that makes Lexa gulp and the feeling stir in her lower stomach and settle between her legs.

“Mmm,” Lexa simply responds with a slight noise and a shallow nod, licking at her lower lip as she gazes at all the features, she has the urge to touch it, but reframes by crossing her arms along her chest.

She can see Clarke’s eyes twinkling at her from the corner of her eye. “Took ages.”

“I bet, do you sell these?” Lexa asks simply, glancing to Clarke and looking into her eyes.

The blonde blinks at her, as if surprised by the question before her brows knit together, deeply in thought. “Why?”

Lexa shrugs, as if it’s obvious. “I want to buy it.”

Clarke laughs. “You don’t have to buy anything.”

“I know I don’t have too. I want too.” She states firmly and watches a light pretty blush grace the features of the blonde’s face. She curls her hand into a fist to hold back the urge to trace it.

“You have to talk to Gus about any transactions, but please, they’re kind of expensive and-”

“Don’t worry about that.” Lexa offers her friend a bright smile before parting away from her and heading toward the direction to talk to the person she’s supposed too. A few people are in front of her to discuss such things and while she waits, she instead watches Clarke watch her briefly, before the girl she had been talking too comes back up to her side, slinging an arm around her waist and smiling brightly at her, mumbling something in her ear that makes Clarke blush, albeit not as deeply as Lexa manages to make her blush.

The brunette frowns, her stomach turning, and she tears her eyes away. Her heart begins to pound and when she looks back up Clarke has placed some distance between the two of them, but regardless she seems to be pulling some kind of line, because the girl is blushing heavily this time, batting her eyelashes again and swaying toward the blonde suggestively.

Lexa leaves the gallery before she really realizes where her feet are carrying her. It’s the wrong way, she wants to head in the direction where Clarke is standing, wrap Clarke up in her own arms and tell the girl to get lost but she doesn’t. Instead she goes home, trying to swallow her feelings and trying her best to figure out a new course of action to get Clarke to understand without scaring her off.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does Lexa ever shut up about how amazing Clarke is? No, no she doesn't.
> 
> I know this late and I am so sorry about that. I had a really hard time with this chapter and life kept getting in the way but it's here now and I really hope you enjoy it :)

In hindsight, she knew this was a bad idea the moment she stepped foot here. Anya was overjoyed at the idea and so were Anya’s friends. Lexa still, didn’t really consider them friends. She keeps trying, for Anya, but most of them just really aren’t for Lexa. Which should have rang as another bad idea in her head when she made the decision.

She can’t stand parties, so of course she did her best to avoid them, but Anya wouldn’t buy her enough if she asked for it, she wouldn’t buy it at all, she’d try and figure out why Lexa wants it first. If she’s here, she can drink as much as she wants and Anya herself will probably get wasted and not ask many questions and that’s what she had been counting on.

She loses them pretty fast, somewhere mingling with other people, strangers that make Lexa very uncomfortable and she scurries off to find the alcohol and when she does, she goes for it. She’s surprised to find Costia here, halfway through her third drink… well third after two shots and Costia may be a bit drunk to when she tries to flirt with her, but Lexa brushes her off. She’s not in the mood to dance, really, she just wishes Clarke was here and not with that other girl tonight… because she is with her. Who wouldn’t want to be with Clarke?

The thought alone is unsurprisingly sobering and Lexa grabs two more shots before finishing her third drink, she tries to dance with her sister after Anya catches her arm, but she feels more stifled than not, and getting drunk didn’t really help her mood so eventually she’s stumbling outside, leaning against a house pillar and calling the one person she shouldn’t be calling in this state.

It doesn’t even take one full ring before it picks up. “Hey, where did you go tonight?” She sounds concerned, mildly upset maybe. Lexa can’t exactly decipher her mood by the sound of her voice very well right now. Perhaps she wouldn’t be able to normally, Clarke is good at being a damn mystery.

“I thought you had company tonight.” It doesn’t even come out the way it should, it’s slurred and ridiculous that if there had been any jealous bite to it, it certainly got lost amongst her drunk speech.

The drunk part, is the only part Clarke seems to notice. “Did Anya force you to another party? Where are you? Are you home?” She sounds worried, well, what Lexa assumes is worry. They are friends, why wouldn’t she be concerned?

Lexa’s stomach flips and she doesn’t know if she’s going to be sick or if it’s just the fact that Clarke’s talking in her ear. “I am not home.” She states very seriously, but serious comes out slurred again and it sounds funny to Lexa, so she laughs, and a laugh comes out a giggle and a hiccup comes after that and when Clarke speaks again she does not sound happy.

“Where are you?” She states calmly but Lexa thinks that even drunk she knows when Clarke is serious. Even drunk Lexa knows the huskier her voice the more vulnerable and she wonders why, in a moment like this, she’d sound like that.

So she asks. “Why do you sound like that, are you worried about me?” It’s not smooth, if anything, it’s everything but.

“Of course I am, where are you, who are you with?” Clarke’s voice remains in serious. Lexa can’t help but find her cute, even over the phone.

“Anya, Anya’s friends. I don’t really like them. I like you.” And she pokes at the cement on the pillar like it’ll move, and she feels slightly disappointed when it doesn’t because the world is blurry and spinning.

Clarke lets out a soft sigh, but it doesn’t sound like it’s out of annoyance. “Please tell me where you are Lexa, do you even remember?” She sounds slightly stressed and Lexa has the urge to sooth her.

She pushes it aside to answer her question. “Some frat house on campus.” She grumbles glancing behind her at the doorway, like the address will be stapled right there.

“A frat party? You’re this drunk at a frat party, I could kill you right now.” Clarke lets out another long-exasperated sigh and Lexa giggles.

“Anya’s here.” She states simply, and she hears shuffling in the background.

“Anya does you no good if she’s half as drunk as you.” Clarke is scolding her, it’s mildly cute.

Lexa giggles. “You’re cute when you’re mad at me.”

There’s another heavy sigh in her ear and she knows Clarke isn’t having it but she can’t contain it. “Tell me where you are in the frat house and I’ll be there as soon as I call Octavia, she’s probably there.”

“I’m outside, by the front door. I’m okay Clarke.” She looks back at the open door and the tangle of bodies and she doesn’t feel scared of them, perhaps that would be different if she were back inside, after all, she hates crowds.

She wants to soothe Clarke’s worries, despite how cute she thinks it is that Clarke is even worried about her in the first place. “I’m going to hang up and find out exactly what party you’re at and you’re going to stay right there, okay.”

Lexa sighs softly and leans her head against the pillar, allowing the solid cement to support most of her weight. She’s feeling a bit tired and heavy. “Okay, do I get to see you?”

Clarke chuckles into the phone. “I’m coming yes.”

“I can’t wait to see you.” She mumbles softly, she wonders if it’s easy to understand through the slur of her words.

By Clarke’s replying chuckling she guesses it is. “Okay, I’m going to hang up now.”

“Nooo.” She pouts to nothing and she hears another sigh from Clarke.

“I’ll call right back okay.”

“Okay, you promise?”

“Of course.”

“Clarke you have to promise.”

“I promise Lexa, I will call you right back.” She’s still serious, she sounds honest and her voice is quite comforting to Lexa in the state she’s in… her voice is normally comforting, and lovely and Lexa loves the sound of her voice.

“Okay.” She finally agrees.

Despite herself, Clarke chuckles again. “Okay.” And the blonde hangs up and Lexa pouts as she listens to the dial tone. She pulls the phone away from her ear and aims for the red end button and blinks a few times to try and clear her vision. That doesn’t work but she eventually gets it and sloppily presses it, shoving the phone in her front pockets as she leans heavily on the pillar.

She feels tired and thirsty. She contemplates going back into the crowd to find something to drink but just looking through the door way makes her stomach turn again and so she stays, she stays against the pillar. It takes Clarke ten long minutes that feel like hours to a drunk Lexa to call back, and when she does Lexa fumbles with her phone, almost missing the call before she answers it.

“Hey baby.” She slurs and smiles widely at Clarke’s soft chuckle.

“God, you’re so drunk. I’m borrowing a friend’s car, I’ll be there soon.” She informs her, much gentler and a lot less serious than she had been the previous conversation.

“Okay, I bet you look pretty.” She tells her because it’s the truth. Clarke almost always looks pretty. She’s pretty sure Clarke could show up in a garbage bag and still look like a goddess walking earth.

“You’re going to be so pissed off about this in the morning.” Clarke says with a lovely loud laugh into her ear.

“Don’t tell me what I said. Clarke you shouldn’t be on the phone while you drive.” She playfully scolds.

She’s rewarded with another beautiful laugh and she can’t help the large smile gracing her own face. “You’re on speaker, it’s okay.”

Clarke driving to her feels like more hours, but she tries to talk to Clarke through her inebriated state. Eventually she sees Clarke and her smile grows big as she pulls herself off the wall as the blonde walks toward her, that hoodie with the paint splatters Clarke had let her wear the night before is on and Lexa thinks it was perfectly designed for her.

“I’m hanging up.” Clarke says into the phone, as she gets closer.

Lexa pouts. “Why?”

Clarke laughs, and she can hear it through the phone as well as in person. Clarke walks briskly toward her before hanging her own phone up and Lexa is left listening to the dial-tone again.

“Here,” Clarke takes the phone from her and ends the call for her before shoving it in her left front pocket.

“Clarke!” She mumbles excitedly and the blonde laughs again as Lexa throws her arms around her and tugs her body close in an awkward hug. She buries her nose in Clarke’s neck and takes in her smell and shudders as she feels the girl’s hands on her lower back and she sighs in her ear contentedly.

“You smell more like vanilla than cinnamon today.” She tells her quietly, and perhaps the words would sound different if she wasn’t so slurred, but she’s very drunk and Clarke is close to her and she adores Clarke.

“I don’t smell like either of those things.” Clarke backs up from her and cups her face in her hands, checking her over carefully and Lexa wonders what she’s checking for before getting distracted with the small freckle on her top lip. She has the urge to press her own lips to it, instead, she settles for the tip of her finger and Clarke’s answering smile is huge.

“What are you doing?” Blue eyes sparkle into her own with a curious question and the sight leaves Lexa breathless.

“You’re beautiful.”

Clarke is grinning as she takes a step back from Lexa. “I’m going to use Raven and tell her to tell Anya she brought you home, so she doesn’t worry okay?” She says it slowly like Lexa will have trouble comprehending what she’s saying. Perhaps it’s a good thing, because Lexa’s eyes follow the movements of her mouth rather than paying much attention.

“I don’t want to go home.” She pouts with her bottom lip jutting out.

Clarke shakes her head, her smile still affectionate. “It’s time to go home.”

“Can I go home with you?” Lexa tries to bat her eyelashes, but she’s sure to Clarke it just looks like a lot of blinking.

By the way Clarke snorts, she knows it does. “Okay, honestly that’s probably better, I’m going to worry all night if I have to leave you.”

“Don’t leave me!” Lexa protests immediately and Clarke laughs, still holding Lexa to her.

“Can you walk?” She questions softly, eyes still sparkling and pretty.

“Yes, I can walk, that’s a dumb question.” She giggles and pushes slightly away from Clarke, only to sway too much and Clarke is gripping her again, tugging her close and Lexa can’t help but bury her nose into Clarke’s hair and take in her scent again.

“Lean on me, we have to go to the parking lot, I tried to park the closest I could.” Lexa does as she’s told and leans against her as the blonde helps her down the small steps off the porch and along the sidewalk toward the parking lot, she stumbles multiple times, but Clarke catches her.

“I can protect myself.” Lexa tells her after a while of stumbling over her own feet and concentrating really hard not to fall as to not embarrass herself in front of Clarke.

“I know.” Clarke mumbles quietly, sounding like she’s concentrating too.

“I kickbox.” She states seriously, she hopes it sounds as serious as she means it because Clarke should know how strong she is. Anya said girls like that kind of thing.

“Do you?” The blondes voice sounds intrigued and when Lexa looks at her she’s even got her eyebrows raised slightly at the new information.

“Yes, I’m strong. I can defend you.” She states determinedly, and it probably sounds ridiculous to a sober Clarke, but the blonde only smiles over at her fondly before focusing back on the sidewalk in front of them.

They walk quietly for a minute… well they walk as well as they can with Lexa leaning on Clarke. “Just a little bit more, are you okay?” Clarke huffs in her ear slightly and she sighs softly.

“I don’t feel good.” She pouts.

“I bet you don’t, I’ve got you okay. We’ll get water and you can sleep in my bed.”

“Will you be in the bed too?”

“No, I will take the couch, so you’ll have the whole bed but if you need me you can just call and I’ll be right there.”

“What’s the point in your bed if you aren’t in it?” Clarke does laugh at that one.

“Why are you this adorable when you’re drunk? It’s entirely unfair.” Clarke catches her as she nearly trips over a crack in the sidewalk and she giggles as she tightens her hold on the blonde.

“I am not adorable, I am strong.” She says more seriously.

Clarke laughs more, and Lexa continues to pout. “Awe, yes you are Lexa.” Her breathes sound slightly more labored over time, Lexa thinks maybe she’s only walking so well because of Clarke.

“I’m sorry I ruined your date.” Lexa says after a while as they move into the parking lot. Clarke is a few spaces down, but she did get pretty close, and she leans Lexa against the right side of the car as she opens the passenger door. She slowly peels Lexa off of the car and guides her inside and Lexa falls with a heap in the seat.

“What date?” Clarke asks as she takes in a deep breath, reaching over Lexa and buckling her in, checking the seatbelt. And then her hands are on Lexa’s face again, safe and warm and making sure she’s okay and Lexa melts into her touch, leaning in as close as she can get.

She thinks the hitch in Clarke’s breath has more to do with still trying to breath properly than it has to do with her. “The gallery girl.”

Clarke’s face scrunches up for a second, but Lexa doesn’t know what she’s thinking before she answers. “That wasn’t a date. I wasn’t feeling that.”

“No?” Lexa thinks her voice sounds very obvious to her feelings.

“No.” Clarke states simply and slowly tangles her fingers on her right hand through the side of Lexa’s hair, pulling back the strands and grazing her ear, making Lexa’s gasp and shudder slightly. Clarke snatches her hand away, eyes wide and unexpecting of that reaction.

“I want to go home with you.” She says again and Clarke nods simply, making sure Lexa is inside the car before slamming the door shut and rounding around it toward the driver’s side. She hops in quickly, fastening her seatbelt and starting the vehicle up and Lexa lays in the seat beside her, watching pretty blue eyes flutter in streetlights as they drive. At some point in the drive, she’s not sure when, probably not very long since they don’t have to drive very far, Lexa has reached over with her hand to grab one of Clarke’s from the steering wheel and the blonde glances at her briefly before she tangles their fingers together.

If Lexa felt stronger in this moment she’d kiss her hand, but her limbs feel weak and she feels tired and thirsty and all she wants is to wrap up in Clarke and fall asleep because Clarke is safe, Clarke is safer than any home ever could be. She thinks maybe she’s said some of that out loud, something similar because when Clarke looks at her again her gaze is full of warmth and kindness and something close to fondness as she squeezes her palm before she looks back at the road.

She thinks she might love Clarke, maybe she is only drunk and it’s entirely too soon to actually tell something like that. But she feels like she might as she gazes at her. She feels like she might.

They get to Clarke’s place at some point and Lexa has no idea when because she falls asleep watching Clarke’s eyelashes flutter in the darkness. She wakes up to Clarke’s gentle hands on her face and when she opens her eyes and finds she’s swimming in blue she can’t help but tell Clarke how lovely she thinks they are.

Clarke blushes and helps her out of the car and up to her apartment. As Clarke is shoving her keys in the door to unlock it with one arm still around Lexa and Lexa still leaning into her its than that Lexa grows bolder and brushes her nose against Clarke’s cheek gently, and by Clarke’s shaky hands the action is not lost on the blonde. Lexa does it again, along her jaw before kissing her jaw and Clarke exhales slowly, tensing under her before relaxing.

“You’ve been spending way too much time with me.” Clarke tells her quietly with a shaky voice and the door finally opens and she helps Lexa inside who finds some strength to press the blonde to the wall beside the door and the small squeak Clarke lets out is full of surprise. “Lexa.” She whispers gently as the brunette brushes her nose against Clarke’s and watches blue eyes flutter closed briefly.

Lexa smiles when they open. “Hi.” And Clarke’s hands are on her face again, smoothing her thumbs along Lexa’s cheekbones comfortingly.

“Hi.” She replies, and Lexa moves to lean in, but Clarke turns her head just in time and Lexa’s mouth touches the corner of Clarke’s and the blonde lets out another soft exhale.

“You don’t want to kiss me?” Lexa asks gently, almost sadly and Clarke chuckles at her.

She frowns further. “You’re so drunk gorgeous. Try doing that sober.” Clarke’s voice is soft and husky and beautiful, and Lexa wishes she could drown in it. Wishes Clarke would let her kiss her.

She pouts further. “I forgot to ask, I’m sorry.” She slurs her speech and presses her forehead against Clarke’s to feel the blonde’s breath puff against her mouth. She loves being this close to her, feeling Clarke pressed against her, feeling Clarke shudder when she brushes her nose delicately against Clarke’s again.

Clarke’s voice is higher pitched when she speaks again. “It’s okay, come on, would you like some water?” She’s gentle with Lexa, always gentle as she grips her hips as if to make sure she is staying steady, despite being pressed and held against the wall by her.

She nods once, shallowly, at the blonde, her forehead still pressed to Clarke’s. “Yes.” She whispers and feels Clarke shudder again under her, but she doesn’t know exactly why. She wishes she did, whatever action it is that’s making her react because she’d do it over and over until she’s squirming. Until she can tear clothes from her body and make her feel as good as she does in her dreams.

“You have to let me off the wall.” Clarke says with a breathy chuckle and Lexa blinks down at her.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Lexa stumbles backward and hits the opposite wall and Clarke’s fond smile is blinding.

“God you’re…” Clarke lets out a heavy breath. “Never mind, come here.” She pushes herself off the wall and gently grips Lexa as the brunette leans back into her touch.

She guides Lexa to her room and gently sets her on her bed, untying Lexa’s converse and slowly pulling the left one off first. Lexa giggles at the action. “I can do that.” She tells her, but Clarke waves her shaky fingers off.

“I’m doing it.” She tells her gently, taking off the other shoe. “I’m going to get water, but here, you can sleep in this, you can change right?” Clarke moves away to grab a hoodie off the top of her dresser and is back near her again, placing the blue hoodie beside her. Lexa thinks it kind of matches her eyes, albeit a bit duller of course.

“Yes.” Lexa tells her and moves to stand but finds she’s falling back onto the bed before she can stop herself, she giggles again as she hits the mattress.

“Can I help you?” Clarke asks a bit unsure and Lexa nods her head.

“You can help me get out of my clothes anytime you want.” Lexa giggles and Clarke rolls her eyes but is smiling as she helps Lexa stand again.

“We’ve definitely been spending way too much time together.” She states softly, and Lexa doesn’t think she’s stating it at her, but more just as an observation. Perhaps she’s right, but Lexa loves spending time with Clarke, so she isn’t about to complain.

She goes to tell her that, but the blonde is popping the button on her jeans and she gets distracted with her fingers brushing against her lower stomach. Lexa’s belly flips and she isn’t sure if it’s from Clarke’s touch or if she’s going to be sick.

She must make a noise because Clarke stops her movements immediately. “Are you okay? Do we need to move to the bathroom?” Lexa lets out a breath and shakes her head.

“I’m okay.” Her hands are shaky as she goes for her shirt, but she nearly gets tangled in it before Clarke stops her.

“Slow down, I’ll help you.” Clarke’s voice is huskier than normal as she tries not to graze her fingers against Lexa skin and slowly lifts the t-shirt up and over her head gently. Lexa tries to take her sports bra off, but Clarke stops her. “Here, this sweater is big, you’ll like it. Do you think you can get it on without my help?” She shoves the blue hoodie in Lexa’s hands and the brunette is comforted by the warm material.

“Yes.” She says softly, and Clarke turns her back on her. Lexa grumbles as she pulls the sports bra off her body, groans as she twists her arms weirdly and Clarke twitches in front of her.

“Are you okay?” She asks gently with concern clear and evident in her tone. If Lexa weren’t naked from the waist up she’d probably turn around on her own, help Lexa despite it. But Clarke is respectful and gentle and kind, and Lexa admires her so.

“Yes.” Lexa gets it off and throws it next to her t-shirt on her bed before tugging the sweater over her head and grumbling as the material touches her skin. It’s soft and warm and she has it half on, covering her chest when she whines softly for Clarke’s help. She can’t see the blonde turn around, but she can feel Clarke’s hands on her stomach before they’re tugging the material of the sweater down and then Clarke is guiding her head through and she sighs softly when she can finally see her again.

Clarke smiles gently at her, tangles her hair behind her ear. “There you go. Would you like shorts or sweat pants?” Clarke’s eyes are sparkly and blue and holding something gentle and genuine in her gaze that Lexa probably couldn’t read if she was sober. Doesn’t stop her from wishing she could.

Lexa looks down at her legs, still covered by her jeans and she shakes her head. “No pants.”

“No pants?” Clarke asks amusedly but Lexa nods with determination. She hates pants, she normally doesn’t sleep with any. But she has ever since she moved into the dorms and she misses not having too. “Okay.” Clarke chuckles at her again and pulls the zipper down from her jeans. She feels Clarke’s hands on the skin of her lower back which makes Lexa grip her shoulder for balance as she clenches her jaw at the feeling.

“Your hands are cold.” She tells her and the blonde chuckles again.

“I’m sorry.” She’s careful not to touch any other parts of Lexa as she pushes her jeans down, grumbling about how tight they are before she gently guides Lexa to sit down on the bed, so she can properly tug them off. The sweater is long enough, brushing mid-thigh and Lexa watches Clarke’s eyes roam her slightly, taking in a breath. “You can keep this.” Clarke mumbles to her, tugging on the material of the sweater, the hood she thinks, and Clarke’s eyes are dilated as she takes her in. “My name looks good on you.” She mumbles brushing the front of the sweater, where Griffin is curved at the top. Lexa bites her lip as she looks down.

Clarke snatches her hand away, clearing her throat. “I’ll be right back, with water, the bathroom is right there if you need it okay.” Her touch is back, to tangle through the side of her hair gently before Lexa is watching her leave the room, her eyes moving toward her backside of their own accord. She bites her lip and tries not to say how attractive she thinks Clarke is out loud.

When Clarke comes back it’s with a full glass of water and she sits beside Lexa, gently placing it in her hands as the brunette grips it and brings it to her mouth. She drinks greedily, gulping down the contents against a parched throat and she can feel Clarke’s hands on her back.

“Slow down,” She tells her gently and Lexa listens, only a little though because she drinks the whole glass.

“More?” She asks gently and Clarke chuckles, nodding her head before snatching the glass from her hands and getting up again, heading for the kitchen. Lexa again watches her go and watches her come back. She reaches out for the glass and Clarke gently places it in her hands, sitting beside her again.

Lexa guzzles it. “Slow down babe.” Clarke coos in her ear and Lexa listens again, sighing softly as she drinks half the glass before pulling it away. “Is that better?”

Lexa nods her head, turning to look at Clarke and she thinks that even though it’s incredibly dark and the only light comes from the window across the room, with the moonlight fading in, Clarke still looks like the most beautiful person in the entire world. Lexa wishes she could kiss her. She drinks more water instead.

Clarke takes the glass away when it’s empty and sets it on the nightstand table. “Do you have to go to the bathroom?”

Lexa shakes her head.

“Do you need anything else before you lay down, do you feel like you’re going to be sick?”

Lexa shakes her head.

“Okay.” She whispers into the quiet. Clarke stands from the bed and helps Lexa stand too so she can pull back the covers before she gently pushes Lexa’s back down on the bed and Lexa stops breathing for a moment as she stares up at Clarke again, with the moonlight catching her eyes. Clarke stops for a second too, staring down at her and smiling gently as she trails a hand down her face. “You’re safe.” She tells her softly and Lexa wonders if she’s telling her that or if Clarke is telling herself that.

She tucks Lexa in and gently kisses her head as Lexa buries herself against pillows and in sheets and blankets that smell of Clarke. She feels warm and happy and safe and like she never wants to leave. “Stay?” Lexa asks with her eyes already drooping shut as Clarke gently tangles her fingers continuously through the side of Lexa’s hair.

“I’ll be right in the living room, on the couch, the door is open, if you need me I’m only a call away.” Lexa nods her head and watches Clarke leave feeling sad as she goes, but sleep proves to be more powerful than disappointment and she falls asleep pretty quickly, tangled up in dreams of Clarke that have been a constant.

When she wakes up again it’s due to a sickening feeling inside of her stomach, twisting and turning and she’s lucky she can see far better than she could before. She’s pushing up from the bed, something crashes, her head aches, she’s going to be sick. She rushes into the bathroom, it’s unfamiliar and dark and she tries to locate the toilet quickly. She does just in time, heaving the contents of a reckless night into the bowl in terrible sounds.

She would jump if she weren’t busy being sick when she feels hands tangling her hair back and the lights are on again. Clarke coos in her ear “It’s alright,” she whispers. “It’s okay, I’m here.” And Lexa lets the words wash over her as she empties her stomach.

After a while, when Lexa’s left with dry heaves despite her turning stomach she sits back and finds arms tangle slowly around her and pull her into a warm body. She can’t remember a time that she’s ever been taken care of like this and she’s tired and sick and still a little drunk, so she doesn’t protest. It feels nice to have someone care for her.

“Are you done?” Clarke asks very gently in her ear, her breath brushing against the shell and Lexa shivers for reasons that have nothing to do with her sickness.

She nods. “I think,” Her voice crocks and her head aches as she speaks, and she grabs at it as Clarke gently shoos her hands away before gently tangling her fingers in her hair and rubbing softly. “I have medicine, can you get up?” Clarke asks gently and Lexa nods despite the voice inside of her head that’s wishing for Clarke to not let her go.

They slowly untangle from each other, though Clarke’s arms are persistent on staying around her as she helps her stand and lean against the bathroom counter. Clarke flushes the toilet but doesn’t close the lid, casting a glance at Lexa. She leaves it open, touches Lexa’s cheek as she checks over her face before she disappears briefly and comes back with another glass of water and some medicine. “You can use my toothbrush.” She mumbles softly, placing the pills in Lexa’s hand and the glass of water in the other before she pulls out her tooth brush and some tooth paste.

Lexa takes the medicine slowly before she gulps the whole glass of water down quickly to sooth the burn in her throat and Clarke is there to tell her to slow down again. Once the glass of water is empty Clarke hands her the tooth brush with tooth paste already on it and guides her to stand in front of the sink.

Lexa brushes her teeth and stares at Clarke through the mirror while she does it. Clarke stares back, concern in her eyes but something else too. Something else Lexa doesn’t know the name of as she rubs her hand soothingly along her back. Clarke’s eyes drop in the mirror to the sweater she’s still wearing and a soft blush graces her cheeks before she looks away from Lexa entirely.

Lexa looks at the sweater too, looks at Clarke’s last name and she’s sobered up enough now to know she can’t keep it. To know Anya would undoubtedly find it if she keeps it like Clarke had suggested. But part of her is starting not to care if Anya finds it, if Anya knows. She might be in love, if that’s the case… Anya will have to know.

She might be in love.

That’s the conclusion she came to, too drunk to remember everything, still drunk enough to think it. She looks at Clarke in the mirror again and is catching blue eyes before she spits out the contents of the tooth paste and washes her mouth out. Clarke guides her back to bed after, tucks her in, whispers she’s in the other room and Lexa grips her wrist before she leaves. “Stay?” She asks with a shaky thick voice and Clarke hesitates.

Clarke wants to stay, she can see it in her eyes, but for some reason Clarke doesn’t. Clarke just kisses her head again and tells her she might not have wanted her to stay if she were sober and again she tells her where she’ll be if she needs her and Lexa watches longingly as she leaves again.

She might be in love, Lexa would never regret anything that has to do with Clarke.

It takes her a little while to fall asleep after that, wishing Clarke were beside her, wishing she could be wrapped around her. But when she does fall asleep she dreams only of Clarke again, tangled up with her, safe and warm and happy. Lexa almost doesn’t want to wake up.

 

 

***

 

Lexa grumbles against the pillow her face is buried in. There’s a brightness in the room that Lexa can see behind her eyelids that she knows she’s going to regret opening them too. She grips the pillow, squeezing it, the scent familiar and comforting… _like Clarke_. She turns away from the light before opening her eyes but it’s still too bright and shuts her eyes again, burying her face in the pillow further as if to hide.

After a moment, she forces herself to sit up, the throbbing in her head worsening as she does. She opens her eyes to the unfamiliar room and glances around, squinting and holding her head. It takes her only a moment to realize why the pillows smell like Clarke and the sense of confusion and slight panic at waking up somewhere she doesn’t quite know vanishes.

She’s in Clarke’s room.

She pushes the blanket off of her and steps out of bed. She frowns down at her bare legs, shivering slightly and burying in the large hoodie she’s wearing. It’s blue and soft and again, something else that smells like Clarke. She finds the rest of her clothes on top of Clarke’s dresser, folded neatly. She grabs her jeans from the pile and tugs them on, making her way to the bathroom to cringe at her appearance.

She looks like a total mess.

She grumbles at herself, wincing at her headache and tangling her hair back in a messy bun. It’s a curly knotted mess and there’s nothing she can really do to solve that right now. She’s just splashing water on her face when she notices a scribbled note.

_Toothbrush is yours – C_

She smiles a little bit, traces the “C” before brushing her teeth and staring at her disheveled appearance with another grimace. She exits the bathroom. Her phone had been set beside her clothes and she stuffs it in the front pocket of her jeans before making her way out of the room.

She makes her way to the kitchen, passing the exit to the apartment making her way past the threshold where she hears the voices coming from, and unmistakably, Clarke’s laugh. “Lexa?” Raven is the first person to notice her in the threshold, and at the statement of her name Clarke whips around to look at her and smiles brightly.

“Good morning, do you want some tea?” Her voice is level and calm but there’s a softness to it that Lexa isn’t used too. It’s new. She wonders what she said to her last night, she only remembers a little bit.

“Hmm,” Octavia is swinging her legs along the counter, eyes examining the sweater Lexa is wearing and Lexa doesn’t know why she didn’t think of it, but this probably looks like a lot more than it actually is. “Just friends, right Clarke?” The brunette asks with clear amusement in her tone as she glances at the blonde with a teasing look on her face.

Lexa can’t help the blush that overtakes her face at the teasing question. “Shut up.” The blonde rolls her eyes at her friend before focusing more closely on Lexa. “Are you feeling okay?” She asks just as softly, her gaze never changing as she lets her eyes roam Lexa’s appearance as if looking for any signs of discomfort.

The attention makes her stomach flip. “Not really.” She mumbles meekly, and Clarke gives her a sympathetic look.

“I’ll make you some tea, I did put a glass of water and some medicine by the bed.”

“Okay.” Lexa sinks a bit further into the large comfy hoodie as Raven and Octavia look at her, stare at her is more like it and she’d very much like to hide right now.

“Something you want to tell us Clarke?” Octavia is smirking at Lexa and then at Clarke as the blonde offers her a glare.

“Lexa has terrible friends, we’re recruiting her as a double agent.” Lexa snorts and shakes her head as Octavia’s mischievous grin widens.

Raven is still gazing at Lexa, giving her a curious look, like she knows something Lexa doesn’t. “Thought you said you were taking her home?”

“She didn’t want to go home.” Lexa rubs at the back of her neck and looks down at the phone in her pocket as it vibrates. She’s sure it’s nearly dead, it wasn’t on a charger all night and surely, as she pulls it out she notices the red on the battery bar in the corner. She lets out a soft sigh.

“Do you have a charger?” She asks Clarke quietly and watches as the blonde looks away from the tea she’s making for her to meet her eyes. Sparkly and blue and safe.

“Yes, you should find one hanging off the nightstand in my room, right side.” Lexa nods once before slowly exiting the room. She makes her way back into Clarke’s room, glad to be free of the stares of Clarke’s friends and plugs her phone in, sitting on the right side of the bed and scrolling through a few notifications she had received.

She only answers Anya, asking how she is and if she’s okay, replying to comfort her. She thinks about calling her but after she looks at the time on her phone she decides against it, she’s sure Anya has her own hangover to suffer through today as well. She’ll invite her sister over later, they can watch a movie.

“Hey.” She snaps her head up to look at Clarke standing in the doorway of her room. “Sorry about Raven and Octavia.” She walks into the room and sits next to Lexa, offering her the mug in her hands.

Lexa nearly sighs as their fingers brush together. “Thank you.” She mumbles quietly and sips at the tea, _bitter_.

“I have to work soon, you can stay here as long as you want.” Clarke’s voice is so soft and quiet, and her eyes are gentle when Lexa looks into them. She is beautiful and sweet and Lexa wonders how many people get the honor of knowing this side of Clarke.

“I’m sorry, I must have been a mess last night.” She mumbles out quietly, slight embarrassment obvious in the soft pink tint surfacing across her cheeks.

Clarke’s fingers trace her cheek, chase the color and Lexa stiffens to hold back the shiver at the interaction. “Oh, don’t apologize, what are friends for?” Clarke’s smile is dazzling despite it hardly touching her eyes at her words. “If you need me, I want to be here for you.” Clarke tells her quietly. There’s something different in the way Clarke looks at her, something even gentler in the way she touches her.

She doesn’t know what it is, she wants to ask but she’s too afraid of the answer. “Thank you.” She whispers, holding her breath as Clarke’s touch travels along her jaw and her eyes follow the action. She doesn’t know what she’s thinking but the thoughts in her head must be confusing if the furrow of her brows as she falls quiet are any indication.

She thinks Clarke wants to say something, but maybe she’s too afraid of what she’ll say the same way Lexa is too afraid to hear answers to her questions. “I have to take a shower, I still have my friend’s car, I can give you a ride back to your dorm when I go to leave if you want. But you can stay here longer if you’d like to rest some more.”

“I should get back to my dorm.” She says almost regretfully. She doesn’t exactly want to leave Clarke’s bed if she’s going to rest throughout the day. Something about being wrapped up in Clarke’s scent is a blanket of comfort she’s never experienced before.

“Okay. I’ll be ready in a bit. Raven is probably cooking breakfast by now if you want any.”

“Okay.”

Clarke smiles warmly at her before she stands from the bed and heads toward the bathroom. Lexa watches her go, watches the way Clarke pauses at the bathroom door to stare at her and catch her eye. She wishes she knew what Clarke was thinking, but she doesn’t, and she watches as she closes the door after their gazes finally break.

If she were braver, she’d chase her.

 

***

 

Raven makes breakfast before Clarke is out of the shower. Octavia doesn’t have time to stay for it, and winks at Lexa mischievously before she disappears out the front door, offering a loud goodbye. Raven is grinning at her when she manages to finish her breakfast and she doesn’t know why. She offers to take her plate for her, but Lexa says she can do it and the pair move into the kitchen together to take care of their own dishes.

There’s a moment of silent washing and Raven glancing at her knowingly before she decides to voice whatever is on her mind. “So, I know by the way.” She says and with the state Lexa is in this morning she doesn’t quiet catch her meaning right away.

“Huh?” She asks with furrowed brows as she tries to contemplate through what she just said and relate it to something.

The dots don’t connect before Raven is speaking again. “You and Clarke, secret friendship, that whole deal for the studying and you getting tips of flirting. I know.” Raven chuckles like the entire situation is amusing.

Lexa isn’t sure why Raven knowing doesn’t really bother her. “Oh.” She mumbles as she finishes washing her plate and drying it.

Raven seems to think she needs to clarify anyway. “Clarke tells me everything, well… nearly. We’ve been through a lot together.” She says with a soft sigh and finishes up drying her own dishes before she leans against the counter to meet Lexa’s eyeline.

Lexa shrugs. “Okay.” Still surprised that she’s not horrified or panicking at the implication of Raven knowing.

“I’m sure there’s things I don’t know but… Who is it?” Raven quirks a curious brow at her and Lexa seems to imitate the action.

“Hmm?” Her brain is quite slow today, not following Raven’s conversation as it moves through the topic. She keeps fumbling with memories she has of last night, of Clarke in the room away from her right now, of the head ache still pounding her temple. She doesn’t have the focus to keep up.

“Come on Lex, don’t play dumb, you know what I’m talking about. Who is it?” Raven asks with more persistence and Lexa stares at her for a long moment as she shuffles through the conversation, forcing her brain to forget about other things crowding her mind to focus on the topic that Raven wants to talk about with her.

She frowns as the dots begin to connect a bit better. “I haven’t even told Clarke that.” She answers after a long moment of quiet pause. She only stares at Raven like she’s crazy for a second, why would she tell Raven before she tells Clarke? Why would she tell anyone who it is when the idea of actually voicing it out loud makes it not only true and hands power to someone else, but also makes it no longer her secret.

“For specific reasons. Reasons I think I already know, you can tell me.” Lexa looks at Raven for a long time, her smile is nice and friendly and easy going and Lexa doesn’t feel interrogated like she should normally if someone else was saying this to her.

She frowns as she tries to come to a decision quicker than her brain can handle right now. “I don’t know.”

Raven chuckles lightly. “It’s obvious, I see the way you look at her.” Lexa finds herself blushing before she can stop it and looks away from Raven to maybe avoid her seeing it. “You can tell me, I promise I won’t tell her. That’s not any of my business, I just think… it must suck to have no one to talk to about it.” Raven is sincere, her voice gentle and when Lexa looks at her she feels a small sense of gratitude for Raven’s friendship. A huge difference from how their relationship started.

Lexa is about to tell her, answer with a confirmation to her theory but Clarke is popping into the room next, grinning at them, clean and smiling and Lexa can’t help the way her eyes trail after her, as if she is a magnet.

When Lexa looks back a Raven she knows she doesn’t need to say it aloud. Raven already knows, and she’s okay with that.

 

***

 

Despite Clarke’s insistence that she keep the sweater, she knows she couldn’t. If she arrived back to her dorm in it, like she had wanted too because taking it off was a struggle, Costia would have seen it and known something was up and she’s not ready to have it get back to Anya yet, not that she’s sure Costia would even tell Anya. She really doesn’t know. Just not yet. Right now, her sister is warming up to Raven, but Clarke is a whole other story. There still needs to be some time.

She falls into her bed the moment she gets home, missing the scent of Clarke’s sheets as she buries her head under her own pillows. Clarke’s bed is much bigger than hers, but she gets that luxury being in an apartment with her own room rather than a dorm.

“Hey Lexa.” Lexa responds with a groan as a reply to her roommate and does not bother to emerge from her blankets. “I wasn’t sure if you’d be back today.” Costia doesn’t seem to catch the hint that she’s not in the mood for conversation.

Lexa turns around in her bed finally to meet her roommates gaze. She’s staring at her gently, maybe sympathetically. Lexa isn’t sure, she doesn’t exactly have the brain power to read her right now. All she wants is to sleep and she misses being surrounded by Clarke’s scent. “Why wouldn’t I?”

Costia shrugs and looks down at her hands. “You were gone all night, I just figured maybe you met someone.” When Costia looks back up she’s giving her a look, one she thinks she saw at the club that one time. She frowns as she notices it, she’s far too tired for this.

Lexa blushes as she sits up in her bed to untie her shoes and kick them off. “Yeah.” She says simply, not meeting Costia’s eyes with the lie. It’s simpler rather than telling Costia she was with Clarke and really, she’s not thinking clear enough to come up with an excuse. All she wants is some sleep that will hopefully alleviate the deep headache in her temple.

“Oh.” The air between them quickly becomes awkward and Lexa is just about to tell her she was with a friend when Costia is speaking up again. “I’ve got to get going, but you’re feeling okay?” She asks with concern, the look had vanished from her face and was replaced by something else, something less warm and gentle and hopeful this time.

Lexa nods. “Yes, headache.”

“Get some sleep, I’ll see you later.” Costia’s smile doesn’t touch her eyes before she leaves, and Lexa is left watching the door as she shuts it behind her a bit confused. She brushes it off before pulling her phone from her jeans and sending a text to Clarke to tell her she made it to her dorm safely.

Clarke is working so she doesn’t answer back right away, so Lexa places her phone on her own charger and climbs under the covers of her bed, snuggling into her pillows that smell nothing like Clarke and falling asleep pretty quickly.

 

***

 

When Lexa wakes up, her headache has gone down significantly. Her phone is buzzing on the nightstand table beside her, and there’s fading sunlight peeking through the crack of the closed curtain on the window. Sleeping all day probably wasn’t her best move but she certainly wasn’t feeling good earlier, so she pushes away worrying about it and reaches out for her phone.

She stays buried under her covers, squinting as the screen lights up when she pushes the power button.

**Clarke (** _11:30 A.M._ **):** I hope you’re feeling better

**Clarke (** _12:32 P.M._ **):** I just got off work, if you’re up and feeling better maybe we can get lunch?

**Clarke (** _12:40 P.M._ **):** I’m guessing you’re not up. I hope you sleep well <3

**Raven (** _5:12 P.M._ **):** Hey, want to hang at the Ark?

**Lexa (** _5:15 P.M._ **):** Sure, in an hour?

**Raven (** _5:15 P.M._ **):** Sounds good :)

Lexa pulls herself out of bed. She grumbles slightly as she goes through a quick routine, involving a fast shower and drying and straightening her hair before she replies to Clarke as she’s leaving her room.

**Lexa (** _5:52 P.M._ **):** I am feeling better

**Lexa (** _5:52 P.M._ **):** Thank you for being there for me <3

**Lexa (** _5:53 P.M._ **):** Meet at the hill later?

**Clarke (** _5:53 P.M._ **):** Of course and yes, I miss you

Lexa can’t help the slight smile that graces her face at that, grinning down at her phone like an idiot as she walks out of the building.

**Lexa (** _5:54 P.M._ **):** I miss you too

 

 

Lexa enters the ark a few minutes later and Raven waves her over immediately with a genuine smile on her face. The Ark is rather empty, it’s busiest time is usually the morning, so Lexa isn’t too surprised and sits down in the seat opposite of Raven, a plate of fries in the middle of the table. She eats one as Raven is greeting her.

“So about Clarke.”

Lexa just looks at her for a moment, a really long moment and she wonders when exactly she came to the full conclusion of letting Raven in on this. Perhaps it’s because Raven likes her sister, and she knows Raven wouldn’t tell her sister because she loves Clarke. Perhaps she just knew that it was a simple idea, one that wasn’t actually crazy.

“Before that, how was your date with my sister?” Lexa still tries to avoid the topic. The longer she can put it off the better for some reason. She doesn’t exactly know what to say that needs to be said. If Raven knows, Raven knows. There isn’t much else to it.

“Okay, you can’t switch this around, that’s not fair. And it wasn’t a date.” Raven rolls her eyes as she’s adjusting in her seat to sit more comfortably. A light blush graces her cheeks but it’s too light to even tell it’s really there.

“No?” Lexa teases because she can.

“I may or may not be hanging out with her again.” Raven shrugs and takes two fries, dipping them heavily in ketch-up. She seems to shove them in her mouth to keep her from saying anymore and Lexa can’t help the wide grin that greets her own face at that.

“So, it went well than?” She asks further. She picks up a fry herself but avoids the ketch-up, not really being a huge fan of it, and eats the fried potato by itself. They’re almost too salty but Lexa doesn’t mind.

“Come on Lex, Clarke didn’t give me much details, but I know you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t want to talk about it.” Raven raises an eyebrow at her and Lexa thinks maybe she’s right. She hasn’t really had anyone to talk to about this and she knows talking about things can be helpful.

Lexa releases a long heavy sigh. “I don’t know what to talk about, I just…” She licks at her lower lip nervously. Forming the words is harder than she thought it would be, and she knew it would be hard. She still isn’t quite sure what to say, but she does find that she does want to talk about it.

“Let me tell you something, she never draws people, but she has a notebook full of your face. So, whatever you guys are doing together, I mean, she’s happy.” Raven shrugs as she shoves two more fries in ketch-up.

Lexa finds herself shifting in her seat, her heart rate picking up slightly. “She’s happy?” She asks far too curiously, eyes gleaming into Raven’s when the Latina looks up from the plate of fries in front of them.

Raven is clearly amused by her and chuckles slightly at her stare. “Yes. I mean, you really make her happy. She doesn’t… open up to a lot of people.” She shrugs again, almost as if what she has said is no big deal, like it would mean nothing to Lexa.

It means a lot to Lexa. “I know.” She admits quietly and licks at her lower lip again before casting her eyes back down at her hands as they tangle together in her lap nervously.

Raven chuckles again, her lightheartedness makes this situation a lot easier on Lexa. “I just want you to know that I’m not going to give you the best friend lecture or anything. I think you guys could use a teammate because Anya is probably not going to approve.” Raven blows out a puff of air at that one and Lexa can’t help but nod her head in agreement.

She knows her sister is going to be a tough nut to crack when it comes to Clarke. Raven is easy, because Anya has a huge crush on her. Clarke is a whole other story. “Yeah, I’m trying to work on that. No offense, but I think her crush on you is helping.” She laughs when she sees Raven blush at her words.

A wide grin stretches across her mouth and changes the atmosphere in the café. Lexa thinks she understands why people like to be around Raven so much. “Crush huh? She’d kill you if she knew about you telling me stuff like that.” She laughs happily at the information and Lexa can’t help her own easy grin.

Lexa laughs, “oh trust me, I know.” She shakes her head and releases her hands from each other to reach for the fries again.

“So, what was the plan with Clarke? It seems kind of… flawed.” Raven looks at her as if she’s waiting for Lexa to snap at her after she says it. But Lexa couldn’t agree more.

“It’s definitely flawed.” Lexa laughs. “I honestly don’t know. I really like, like really, really, really like her.” Lexa blows out a puff of air and finds that saying it out loud isn’t as hard as she had seemed to be making it. The knowledge of Raven knowing and being someone that wants to listen to her makes it easier. She’s here as Lexa’s friend and Lexa really could use more of those.

“Okay,” Raven teases as she dips more fries in ketch-up and shoves them in her mouth.

“I’d love to, date her and stuff I just… That isn’t the main goal. I find her so interesting.” She mumbles honestly, her voice has gotten quiet, but she finds confiding in someone with the information, someone who wants to listen to her, makes everything easier. She’s incredibly grateful for Raven’s existence in this moment.

“Griffin, interesting, please.” Raven jokes, waving her hand like that’s unbelievable.

Lexa laughs before she grows more serious again. “I do. I think her personality is just fascinating, she reminds me of the sun.” Lexa knows she’s gushing, she can feel it in the warmth of her cheeks. Leaning forward across the table like it’s something that Raven won’t understand unless she utters it.

She can’t help herself.

“Oh my god that’s so cheesy.” Raven teases, grinning from ear to ear. She looks happy, and Lexa doesn’t know why but she’s not about to complain about it.

“I just want to be close to her, all the time. I don’t really know what to do about that. I like to think that Clarke is helping me figure it out whenever she gives me advice. But I know it’s not the best or smartest plan. I didn’t really think it through. Clarke came to me and needed help with her grade and I just… jumped I guess.” Lexa shrugs and licks at her lower lip again picking up a few more fries and breaking them apart as she eats them.

“Clarke? Needed help with her grade?” Raven starts cackling loudly, throwing her head back and causing the ketch-up on the fries in her hand to fall off into her lap. She pouts when she notices and tosses the ketch-up fries back onto the plate to grab at a napkin and clean it up. “Clarke has straight A’s, she does not need help with any of her grades?”

Lexa furrows her brows together in thought. “In Indra’s?” She asks because maybe Clarke is doing well in all of her classes but that one and Raven is mixing it up.

“Ha, she says that’s her easiest class. She doesn’t have a 102% of an A I’m sure, but it’s a high enough A that I can tell she’s not worried in the slightest.” Raven waves her hand as she continues to laugh. Lexa doesn’t quite get what’s so funny.

No wonder Clarke is such a terrible study partner.

“Why did she-”

“Hmm, why would a pretty girl ask another pretty girl to tutor her when she doesn’t need the tutoring?” Raven taps her chin in thought, like the question has stumped her. There’s a twinkle in her eyes full of mischief and Lexa can’t help that she’s blushing.

She bites her lip, avoiding the obvious. “Maybe she just wanted a study partner?” She can feel her chest surging with hope, protesting her brush off. She doesn’t want to hope too much, hope can be dangerous, but she can’t seem to help it as the latest information comes to light and she fully understands the situation.

“Oh, I bet, ask her about that when you’re asking for advice. See what she says, I bet she’s going to tell you something smooth and shit.” Raven picks up the fries she had tossed back on the plate, dipping them in more ketch-up before eating them.

“I never thought she-”

“Lexa, she draws your face every day? What else did you think was going on?” Raven seems even more amused than she had before, staring at Lexa with a curious and teasing raise of her brow that Lexa follows for a minute while she allows the pounding of her heart beat against her breast bone to calm down.

“So… she definitely likes me?” She asks unsurely, her eyes glimmering with hope.

She thinks the question probably sounds dumb, but Raven only smiles over at her fondly without a hint of annoyance. “Of course, just be patient with her. She’s weird with feelings, especially kinds like these. She hasn’t had the best experiences.” Raven blows out a puff of air as her mood seems to darken slightly at that.

Lexa furrows her eyebrows together as the thought of Niylah and how Octavia had mentioned her a while ago comes to the front of her mind. “Like with Niylah?” She really wants more information on that but hasn’t exactly gained the courage to ask Clarke of it yet. She isn’t sure Clarke would give her a real answer about it or if she’d prefer to just brush it off.

“Oh god, Niylah. Did that brat finally tell you what happened?” Raven grumbles at the mention of her name and at the shake of Lexa’s head, the Latina scoffs in pure annoyance that has nothing to do with Lexa.

“No.” She mumbles softly, hoping Raven will elaborate.

“I think it might have really let the feud take off but I’m not fully sure. Like I said, I think she and Anya liked the same girl, someone was too loud, something like that, but Niylah… Niylah was a jerk. Clarke didn’t have a reputation before Niylah.” Raven is glowering at the memories in her own head.

Lexa finds her stomach turning. “What happened? I’ve never heard this.” She presses honestly, curiosity getting the best of her.

“Really, I’ll just tell you some of it, because it’s Clarke story to tell not mine. But Clarke really liked Niylah, first girl she ever liked when she first got here, and she wanted to do all that dating stuff. Clarke’s charming, adorable so of course it was working but Niylah kind of took advantage of her feelings I guess. They slept together and then Niylah started some rumor about Clarke never calling her back which wasn’t true. That’s what she told Anya anyway and tensions were already high between them at the time, so Anya believed her friend and hence the start of Clarke’s new reputation. Which has turned her off of dating for nearly ever. Has she told you about Finn?”

“Yes, she’s told me a little bit. Forever?”

“I said nearly, I haven’t seen her act like this about anyone since Niylah, and you are nothing like Niylah. Niylah was the first after Finn and Clarke just kind of lost hope in that aspect. I haven’t fought her on it because she seemed happier keeping a distance. But then you came along, and things have been different.”

Lexa clenches her jaw as she thinks back to some of the things Niylah had muttered to her about Clarke in the past. Her frown deepens the longer she thinks and she finds that she wants nothing more than to tell the girl to fuck off the next time she sees her. “No, I can’t believe she’d do that.” Her voice is hard and solid as she comes to terms with the full reality of the story.

“People are jerks, but the thing with Niylah. I know it would never happen here, you two are actually friends. You didn’t meet at some frat party and go on three dates. You’ve been meeting every day for a few months and your actually friends. You’ve gotten to know each other, this is way different, and I hope Clarke sees that.” Raven touches her hand that’s fisted on top of the table-top and it snaps Lexa out of her own head a bit.

“You think she’s afraid I’ll be like Niylah?” She asks with obvious fear surfacing through her tone. She’ll do whatever it takes to show Clarke that she’d never ever do something like that, that she’d never do anything but respect and treat her right, even if they only ever remain friends.

“I think that experience doesn’t help. But I think she trusts you. You just have to give her some time honestly. She’ll come to terms with what she wants, in the meantime just keep doing what you’re doing. Because Clarke is a great friend to have. Loyal and passionate and funny. And I know we’re just getting to know each other, but I’m sure that you’re good for her.” Raven squeezes her fisted palm comfortingly and smiles warmly at her and Lexa feels herself relax a bit in her presence again.

“Thanks Raven, it’s really nice to talk about this with someone.” She tells her honestly and folds her hands back in her lap as her mind shuffles through everything she’s learned. She’s going to do something really nice for Clarke soon, something to show her she appreciates her, respects her. Even if it’s simple, it has to be something really nice.

“I figured it would be, how long have you been keeping it to yourself?” Raven chuckles a bit lightly.

Lexa sighs almost dramatically. “Since I met her.”

“That’s grossly cute. Okay, so tell me how it started. I want details.”

Lexa and Raven talk for a few hours, discussing how the deal happened and experiences Lexa’s gone through with Clarke since then. She doesn’t tell her everything, there are things she knows just belong to them, but she can’t deny that talking about it takes a large weight off her chest and she’s smiling by the time she leaves The Ark.

 

***

 

**Lexa (** _8:02 P.M._ **):** I’m so sorry I’m late, I’ll be there soon  <3

**Clarke (** _8:02 P.M._ **):** It’s okay gorgeous, take your time.

“I was wondering where you were.” Lexa jumps, looking up from her phone to meet her sister’s eyeline. She’s surprised to see her here, though she had intentions of inviting her over soon to watch a movie she hadn’t yet had the chance to actually send that message out.

“Hey An, what’s up?” She feels antsy. She knows it’s silly, she saw Clarke all morning, was wrapped up in her scent all night. But she’s desperate for her touch after her conversation with Raven, misses her voice. It’s ridiculous but talking about her with Raven just reinforces all of her feelings.

“I got pizza, Costia said you weren’t feeling super great. I figured it was your hangover, so greasy food, we can hang out?” Anya looks at her hopefully, looking tired and slightly sad and Lexa lets out a soft sigh because while she had been busy wrapped up in her own feelings she hadn’t be paying attention to Anya’s enough.

Lexa smiles at her sister’s soft look of hope. “Yeah, of course, that sounds really good.” She tells her gently, only feeling slightly disappointed at the fact that she won’t be able to meet Clarke.

Anya seems to release a soft breath at that one and smiles at her sister as she opens the door for her. She shuts the door with a soft click and watches her sister climb on her bed with the pizza, getting comfortable. Her smile is off tonight, and Lexa pushes aside any disappointment for her other plans to take care of her sister.

**Lexa (** _8:09 P.M._ **):** I won’t be able to make it, Anya showed up with pizza. :(

**Clarke (** _8:10 P.M._ **):** It’s okay. I’ll see you tomorrow, you’re feeling okay though?

**Lexa (** _8:10 P.M._ **):** Yes, thank you Clarke.

**Clarke (** _8:10 P.M._ **):** I guess I’ll just fail at another drawing of your face by memory. :P

She grins down at her phone before she sets it aside and begins to set up the movie Anya had brought with her. They don’t really talk at first, they eat a few slices of pizza, Anya lays her head on Lexa’s shoulder as they watch in silence and Lexa thinks that’s just what Anya needs right now. For Lexa to just be here, spending time with her. Not asking how she is, not reinforcing some positive thinking, but just being with her and here when she needs her.

It isn’t until about halfway through the movie that Anya manages to start talking, making jokes about the movie and Lexa knows she’s feeling a bit better. She thinks of bringing up the information she’s learned recently about Niylah and how she should maybe tell her, but she isn’t sure that now is the time.

Maybe she should just tell her everything, there never seems to be a right time but maybe if Anya knows how important Clarke has become to her she might be okay. She might want it to be okay, even if she doesn’t trust her, maybe she’d try?

“Hey An,” She swallows slightly as her heart rate immediately begins to pick up in her chest. She just has to tell her, just tell her and everything will be fine.

Anya doesn’t lift her head from her shoulder. “Hmm?”

She lets out a soft sigh. “You how I’ve been tutoring for Indra’s class?” She bites her lower lip as her hands fold together in her lap, restraining them from fidgeting too much and displaying her nerves to her sister.

“Yeah?” She asks curiously, raising her head up form her shoulder to look at her.

Lexa swallows her feelings. “Well actually, Clarke’s-”

“Whoa wait, we’re not talking about Clarke.” Anya shakes her head, placing her hands over her ears and Lexa laughs a little, reaching up to pull her sister’s hands from her ears.

“Anya-”

“Clarke doesn’t deserve tutoring or whatever you were going to say, you should just stay away from her.” She states firmly, her mood darkening again, and Lexa knows she can’t say what she had wanted to say. Anya really does need that warming up, she’d probably only yell at her if she were to tell her what she and Clarke had been up too.

“But Anya-”

“You always try to help everybody. But just… stay away from her. She’s not good, especially not for you.” Anya looks at her almost pleadingly after that. She looks shy and vulnerable in this moment, something she rarely looks like and Lexa knows she just needs her to tonight. So she shuts her mouth, she restrains the information that wants to pour out of her. It’s hard, because Anya is Anya and Lexa wants to gush about her crush to her sister who is her best friend. Maybe it’s talking to Raven that’s made her want to spill her guts so much, she isn’t sure.

Lexa frowns and turns back to the movie, her mind shuffling through her plans. She wonders what it’s going to take, what she can do to fix this. Is there a fix? How does she instigate it if Anya never lets her talk whenever she says Clarke’s name? She only wants to fix it.

“You may be right about Raven though.” Lexa blinks out of her thoughts and turns her head back toward her sister.

“Oh?” She asks teasingly, allowing the thoughts in her head to be placed aside for the time being.

Her sister is fiddling with the blanket across her lap, eyes cast down at it and avoiding meeting Lexa’s gaze. “She’s… not so bad.” She mumbles softly, almost like it’s incredibly hard for her to say out loud.

Lexa wants to laugh but she doesn’t. “And how did you come to this conclusion?” She teases light-heartedly, already knowing the answer.

“When you ditched me at the theater, she showed up, which was really annoying by the way.” Anya glances up to cast a small glare at her but there’s no fire behind it and Lexa knows she isn’t in any real trouble with her over the situation.

She smiles warmly at her sister. “But you had a nice time so you forgive me.”

She rolls her eyes and casts her gaze back down at her hands again, still fiddling nervously with the blanket. “She’s obnoxious.” Her voice is just as quiet again, almost like the words she’s saying out loud are entirely something else and because Lexa is her sister and knows her so incredibly well, she knows exactly what Anya is actually saying to her.

“But you like her.” Anya shrugs and Lexa can’t help her growing smile.

She encourages her sister to talk about it and they spend the rest of the movie not even paying attention to anything that’s happening. Lexa encourages Anya with the fleeting wish that she could also talk about Clarke like this with her. She’s hoping someday she will be able to.

 

***

 

As soon as Anya leaves after Lexa making her linger a bit to make sure she’s okay, she’s falling into her bed for more rest. She’s grabbing her phone and unlocking it before she falls asleep and sends off a text to Clarke, because getting Clarke out of her head isn’t nearly possible at this point. It only gets worse and with all the new information she’s received recently, and the way Clarke had been looking at her this morning, she just wishes she could see her.

She hadn’t lied when she had told Raven she wants to be with her all the time.

**Lexa (** _10:01 P.M._ **):** Goodnight Clarke  <3

**Clarke (** _10:02 P.M._ **):** Goodnight Lexa, I missed you at the hill.

Lexa smiles slightly at that, her heart picking up in pace the same way it always does when it comes to Clarke and she’s just about to tell her she missed her as well when Clarke sends an image of a drawing.

**Clarke (** _10:03 P.M._ **):** I finally did it. :D

Lexa’s smile grows even bigger, stretching from ear to ear as she expands on the image and stares at a lovely drawing Clarke must have spent the evening doing. She wonders if there ever will be a time when Clarke’s drawings don’t surprise her, she’s not sure there is. Clarke can draw her every day for the rest of her life and each drawing will still hold something beautiful and unique to the last. She could never ever get tired of this. Clarke truly was an amazing artist and incredible person.

**Lexa (** _10:05 P.M._ **):** You are truly the most talented person I have ever met

**Clarke (** _10:05 P.M._ **):** I want to paint you

**Lexa (** _10:06 P.M._ **):** Maybe you will someday ;)

**Clarke (** _10:06 P.M._ **):** I’d need you here to paint you

**Lexa (** _10:07 P.M._ **):** You can’t paint from memory?

**Clarke (** _10:07 P.M._ **):** I’m not even going to try and paint you without you here. At least not without a lot of practice.

**Lexa (** _10:08 P.M._ **):** I think you would do just fine, but perhaps I could model for you.

**Clarke (** _10:08 P.M._ **):** that would be lovely. You should come help me paint sometime.

**Lexa (** _10:09 P.M._ **):** Help you paint??? Clarke, you know I can’t paint.

**Clarke (** _10:09 P.M._ **):** The painting I had in mind just involves you throwing colors, it would be fun

**Lexa (** _10:10 P.M._ **):** I’d do anything with you, so you know I’m going to say yes

**Clarke (** _10:10 P.M._ **):** Good, I’ll text you when. I haven’t started that project yet.

**Clarke (** _10:10 P.M._ **):** Get some rest gorgeous, I’ll see you tomorrow  <3

**Lexa (** _10:11 P.M._ **):** Goodnight Clarke, again  <3

She really is very lucky to have ever met Clarke Griffin.

She tries to go to sleep but she finds her mind is buzzing and having slept so long throughout the day, it’s no surprise its not coming at an easy task despite how tired she feels. She gets up quietly because Costia is fast asleep and finds the notebook she’s been stuffing Clarke’s drawings in, she spans them out along her bed and begins to admire them.

They’re all different in their own way. Of course they are, Clarke is incredible and she is overwhelmed with a feeling surging inside of her chest and filling up every inch of her. Warmth and strong and nearly suffocating but god is the feeling incredibly pleasant.

She smiles so big as she examines Clarke’s name at the bottom of each picture. It’s always the same despite the drawing always being different. She loves Clarke’s curvy handwriting, she thinks maybe she spends way too long looking at each one.

It when she finally glances at the first drawing Clarke ever gave her that an idea is popping in her head and the idea makes her giddy. She doesn’t sleep that night and grateful for Raven’s new friendship, she doesn’t allow her to get much sleep either, sharing her idea and placing her plan into action.

 

***

 

She couldn’t wait much longer. Bouncing back on the balls of her feet she kept glancing from the right to the left. Clarke wasn’t late, no, Lexa was entirely too early. But she couldn’t wait. She was so excited. She thought about texting Clarke to come sooner, but she wanted it to be a surprise for when they decided to go to the hill.

She had to re-establish that however, because she couldn’t wait a whole entire study session before Clarke sees what she’s done. It’s not even that big, but god does it feel like it and she’s really hoping Clarke isn’t going to mind. She’s gained such a collection of drawing after drawing, it seemed only right.

“Lexa?” She whips her head to the left, Clarke has just come around a corner, eyebrows raised as she sees her bouncing by the library door.

She can’t stop the smile from overtaking her face, which must be contagious because once Clarke sees it, she’s smiling too. “Come!” She snatches up Clarke’s hand in her own and tugs, actually taking off in a run for the hill. She knows it’s really not that exciting. It’s simple, fairly simple. But it means a lot to her and she thinks that maybe it will mean a lot to Clarke too.

“Lexa slow down, what about studying? Where are we going? We have a test soon and-”

“Shush!” She tugs Clarke up the hill quickly and is practically jumping out of her skin when she reaches the top. She drops Clarke’s hand and runs to the board posted a bit away from the picnic table they always sit on. “Look.” She lets out a small huff and pulls the sheet she had placed over it, for it’s sort of dramatic reveal off as quickly as she can.

“Lexa?” Clarke’s voice is curious and then she says her name again. “ _Lexa_ ,” and it’s so soft and small and sweet. Clarke’s eyes have landed on the glass protector, there’s a lock on the lid to the side, but inside is a long board and covering as much of the board as can be covered are all of Clarke’s drawings over the course of the last few months.

“Raven helped me.” She told her honestly. “We put it together and she wanted to help protect it. I mean, after I came up with the idea to put it here.” She suddenly feels shy, the pounding in her heart still going crazy and when she looks at Clarke, she doesn’t know what she’s thinking. She’s incredibly nervous that Clarke is actually going to hate her gesture. “We can take it out if you don’t want it here, but I thought maybe. I put dates by each one, see.” Clarke steps forward at that, to examine the board full of her drawings more closely, her eyes grazing over every single one. They’re the drawings that Clarke has given to Lexa and Lexa has remembered the exact date for every single one.

They’re all important to her, she just wants Clarke to know that.

“ _Lexa_.” And there she goes again, saying her name like that and Lexa is nervous because she doesn’t know what she’s thinking. She’s praying that it’s a good sign, praying that Clarke understands, that Clarke likes this. She should have asked, she knows that, but that would have taken from the gesture and Lexa wants it to mean the most it could possibly mean.

“I thought, instead, we could just, add to it. Whatever drawings you want. I know this is a public spot, other people could see it, but I just… they’re so good and this is _our_ spot.” She says honestly, eyes full of hope and honesty when the blonde looks at her. She can’t take her eyes off of Clarke, she isn’t sure that it’s physically possible to look anywhere else.

“Our spot.” Clarke grins at that and finally her eyes meet Lexa’s fully. “I can’t believe you did this.” She says with a shaky voice. Lexa still can’t tell if that means she like sit, she’s still nervous as hell but she’s trying to push that aside.

Lexa shrugs and licks at her lower lip as she looks over the contents of Clarke’s many drawings. “I just wanted you to know that… this means a lot to me.” She mumbles quietly and then Clarke is grabbing her hand and tugging her forward, wrapping her arms around her and hugging her.

“It means a lot to me too.” She mumbles in her ear and her voice is lower, huskier, the way it gets when it’s vulnerable, so Lexa tightens her hold on her. “I love it, this is wonderful.” She tells her, voice shaking, and Lexa’s hold gets even tighter than before.

“I know I should have probably asked but we don’t have to leave it up.” Lexa backs away from her slightly. “I have this key, here,” Lexa pulls it from her pocket and is grabbing one of Clarke’s hands to place the small piece of metal in her palm. “That’s yours, so you can take it down or add to it whenever you want.” She’s mumbling, words slurring together with the adrenaline still running through her veins.

She’s just so happy Clarke likes it.

“I don’t want to take it down.” Clarke’s palm closes around the small brass key and her free hand comes up to tangle slightly through Lexa’s hair, brushing the strands back behind her ear. “You really are amazing, you know that?” She seems to gush, cheeks heating up into a light pink that Lexa wants to trace with her fingertips.

“It isn’t that big of a deal.” Lexa shrugs with a deep blush, looking down at her feet.

“It’s a big deal to me.” Clarke tells her softly. “I’ve always been worried you’d find it weird how often I draw you and then you… _do this_.” Clarke actually sounds amazed and it does nothing for Lexa’s frantic and erratically beating heart.

That overwhelming feeling is back, full force and surging through her chest and gripping her heart so tight she thinks it might pop. “I don’t find it weird.” Lexa shakes her head and looks at Clarke’s blue eyes as they again move over every drawing on the board. “I love your art, and every new piece you share with me, just makes me proud of you.” She tells her honestly, her voice shaking slightly, and she thinks it’s due to her unsettled heart.

Clarke is blinking at her when she looks at her again, almost as if she can’t believe she’s hearing her right. There’s a slight glassiness to them than before and then the blonde is hugging her again, tight and warm and Lexa falls into the embrace, smiling big.

She’s made Clarke happy, and she’s let Clarke know that she’s important to her, that she means something a whole lot more than maybe she thought she did. For today, she thinks she’s done her job right.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know updates have been a little spaced out and I'm re-working a schedule around the already busy one that I have so that I can fix that, just bare with me. I've had a few personal things going on that have kept me from updating as much as I normally do but I'm in the process of fixing that and once I do I'll be posting a whooole lot more. Outside of that, here's the new chapter, I hope you guys like it. :)

Lexa pushed the glasses on her nose up before placing the end of the pen she was holding in that same hand back in her mouth to chew on. Clarke had cancelled a study session on her today and instead of going to library by herself, she decided to stay in and read something else. Her roommate must have had a similar idea because she was staying in to, typing away on her laptop.

The evening had been mostly quiet, and Lexa had a little over half of the book left to read. It was taking longer than it normally would to finish because Lexa’s mind kept wandering off on its own, toward the blonde that normally occupied her thoughts. Of course, today would be no different, especially when she hasn’t seen her. She hadn’t been in Indra’s class earlier either. She was starting to wonder if maybe Clarke was sick and wasn’t telling her. She doesn’t know why that feels like something Clarke would do.

She’s just flipping the page of her book when there’s several fast knocks on her dorm room door that pull her out of her thoughts. Pulling her head up from the book to look at the door as if she could open it with her eyes. “I got it.” Costia says with a heavy sigh, lifting herself from her bed and crossing the room to the door.

It would have made more sense for Lexa to go and get it, she was closer, but she said nothing about that as she sat up a bit more on her bed to be able to see who had been knocking when Costia finally pulls the door open. “Clarke?” Lexa can’t see her face but she’s imagining the confused look on Costia’s face right now.

Why would Clarke come to her door without messaging her?

She snaps the book shut that had fallen flat in her lap when she sat up and sets it on the night stand before standing up, dropping the pen on top of it and pushing her glasses back up her face again.

“Hi Costia, can I talk to Lexa alone for a second?” Lexa nodded her head at Costia when she finally looked back at her, utter confusion and surprise across her face. Surprise that Clarke would be here, wanting to talk to her. Lexa doesn’t have time to worry about it, there must be a reason that Clarke has showed up here, knocking on her door without a message and fully aware that Costia could have been here.

There’s something wrong.

“Okay,” Costia lets Clarke in before stepping out of the room, shutting the door quietly behind her, casting Lexa one last curious glance before she is gone. She knows Costia is bound to ask her questions about this later, but she can’t hardly think of that once she is gone.

“Hey.” Clarke’s voice quivers, eyes downcast at her feet and Lexa takes a step toward her on instinct, wanting to protect her. She only catches herself when she’s a hair from wrapping her arms around the blonde.

“Clarke?” She questions gently and feels her heart tug in her chest when Clarke lifts her head and she catches blue eyes misting over with unshed tears.

“Can I hang out here for a while?” Clarke blinks a few times and Lexa twitches to resist the urge to pull her into a tight hug.

“Yes.” She tells her softly and at that Clarke gives her a weak smile before climbing onto her bed. Lexa doesn’t sit by her right away, watching Clarke as she tangles her shaky hands together.

“You going to sit?” She tries to tease her when she looks up, but her eyes are still clouded over and her voice quivers too much to accomplish the tone she’s going for.

“Yeah.” Lexa climbs on the bed and sits next to Clarke, not close enough to touch her, but close beside the point.

Clarke takes it upon herself to close that miniscule amount of distance. She slides along the bed until her side is pressed to Lexa’s and the brunette stares at her curiously while the blonde fiddles with her own fingers.

“Clarke-”

“I just want to hang out alone with you for a while.” Clarke mutters gently, interrupting whatever question was on the tip of Lexa’s tongue. If she’s not interested in talking right now, Lexa isn’t going to make her, so instead she leans away from Clarke to reach for her laptop, feeling Clarke’s shaky hand press to her thigh as if begging her to stay next to her without actually saying anything. Lexa places her right hand over Clarke’s left, that is touching her thigh and continues reaching for the laptop, pulling it over to her with one hand and settling back into the space next to Clarke, the blonde still close enough to be pressed to her side.

Her hand doesn’t move from her thigh, so Lexa doesn’t move her right hand from Clarke’s right away, not until she sets the laptop down between them and needs to lift the lid. “Want to watch something?” Lexa asks softly, glancing at Clarke who had been staring at her nearly the whole time she was setting up.

Blue eyes are still so misty. “Yeah.” Her voice cracks and Lexa resists the urge to throw her arms around Clarke and forget the laptop. It seems Clarke could use the distraction of a program and her presences so that’s what she has to do right now and when Clarke is ready to cry, Lexa will be here.

“Do you want me to pick?” Clarke nods in response and rests her head on Lexa’s shoulder, making the brunette’s heart flutter lightly in her chest.

She lets out a soft breath and pulls Netflix up, clicking on Clarke’s favorite show and letting it play from the last place Lexa had last watched it a few weeks ago. They don’t say anything. Clarke just lays her head on her shoulder, stays in that position, every once in a while she sniffles and whips at her face and Lexa lets her. Eventually she takes the hand still on her thigh in her own and tangles their fingers together. Clarke squeezes her palm once she does.

Lexa doesn’t know how long they sit like that, silent other than the quiet volume of Clarke’s favorite TV show that encourages a short, watery chuckle from her every once in a while. It must be long enough for Costia to realize Clarke wasn’t leaving any time soon because she comes back in only to grab her purse and phone, casting another curious glance in Lexa direction before she leaves again.

Lexa has no idea what she’s going to tell her, all she knows is that Clarke seems to need her right now and she’ll do anything to make sure she’s there for her when she needs her.

 

***

 

Clarke really doesn’t say very much, and Lexa has no intention of making her. She does want Clarke to talk to her though because she thinks maybe Clarke could use somebody to listen to her. But she won’t push, she’ll just be here. That’s what she does for Anya when she’s in certain moods. She really doesn’t know if it’s the best tactic to use with Clarke. They’ve never really been here in the time that they’ve known each other before.

Lexa thinks maybe it’s best to just ask what Clarke wants, and if she doesn’t know, well Lexa can figure out how to work with that. “Clarke,” She mumbles gently and at the soft mentioned tone of her name the blonde lifts her head from Lexa’s shoulder to look at her. She looks so sad today. Lexa knows she can’t fix whatever it is that’s made her feel this way, she wishes she could, but she knows by experiencing Anya’s moods and going through things herself that sometimes people just need people, not to fix things but just to show them they’re there and see them.

The blonde’s blue eyes blink at her a few times, waiting, almost ready to flinch at the inevitable questions she thinks Lexa plans on asking, but Lexa’s not really going to ask any questions. None that are invasive, none that can make Clarke coming to her a mistake. “Would you like to talk about it now or at some point or would you just like to watch a movie and spend time here?” Really, she just wants to make Clarke comfortable with the decision to come to her. To show Clarke that she can take care of her when she needs it.

Lexa’s always been pretty good at taking care of people. “Lex,” Clarke blows out a puff of breath and they are close enough that Lexa feels the huff on her face. She doesn’t bother moving back to distance herself, she just gazes at Clarke as the blonde seems to struggle with a thought in her head. “I don’t know if I can talk about it.” Clarke mumbles quietly.

“That’s okay.” Lexa tells her honestly. “I’m here and whether that’s to listen or to just take your mind off whatever is bothering you, I’m here to do that.” She reaches up to brush her fingers across Clarke’s cheek lightly and melts a little when Clarke leans into her touch.

The blonde blinks some more, her eyes looking misty. “It’s stupid, I’ve already told you other stuff I just-”

Lexa doesn’t bother letting her finish that sentence. “It’s not stupid, it’s fine.” She brushes her thumb across Clarke’s cheekbone before pushing blonde strands behind a small ear. All she wants is to be here for her, to take care of her and even lift her spirts a little. She doesn’t want Clarke thinking that talking is a requirement right now or feeling bad that she can’t seem to do it.

The blonde’s eyes remain misty, the amount she’s blinking is sure to cause the tears in her eyes to fall if she doesn’t stop. “I want to talk to you, it’s just hard to talk about.” Her voice quivers a bit and Lexa’s heart lurches in her chest.

She leans forward a little but not much, she has a strong urge to pull Clarke into her arms but is unsure if Clarke would be okay with such closeness in this mood. “Okay.” She practically whispers, hoping to soothe her friend.

“It’s just, my mom is-” Clarke huffs heavily and shakes her head, causing Lexa’s hands to fall away and back down to her lap.

Lexa decides to interrupt again because it almost looks like it’s incredibly mentally painful for Clarke to try and talk about this subject right now. “Clarke, it’s okay. How about we just finish this episode, and then we can get something to eat and if you want to talk then you can and if you don’t, we’ll just continue to stay right here, and I’ll do my best to try and make you feel better.” She reasons, she almost reaches up to touch Clarke’s face again but doesn’t, for fear that it’ll make Clarke actually cry and the blonde seems like she’s fighting that inevitability pretty hard. She’s not going to make her surrender until Clarke feels like surrendering.

She’ll be here if Clarke lets her and she’ll hold her if it comes to that.

Clarke shakes her head, a light smile graces her lips but its devoid in her eyes, as it often is when she’s upset. “Just being here with you, already makes me feel a little better.” Her voice quivers again, as if the fact in and of itself makes crying even that much harder not to do.

Lexa smiles warmly at her. “What would you like to watch after this?” She decides for a change of subject, thinking Clarke could use it.

“Can you just make the decisions right now?” Clarke sighs slightly, her head falling back on Lexa’s shoulder to stare at the laptop screen situated half on both of their laps in the middle of both of them at this point.

She smiles slightly. “Sure, but I’m a planet earth kind of girl.” She tells her nonchalantly and chuckles softly when Clarke groans beside her in protest at that.

“Oh no.” Clarke chuckles as well and Lexa’s smile grows bigger.

She shakes her head. “Don’t worry, I won’t make you watch it. Though it’s very interesting and it can be sad.” She informs her friend whose eyes are roaming the moving images on the screen in front of her. Lexa’s doesn’t know what’s happening, the volume is really low, and she hadn’t bothered pausing it when she had asked Clarke her question.

“Sad because it’s boring?” Clarke teases, still lacking the normal lightness and happiness she normally forces in her tone. Lexa thinks that Clarke is only real with very few people, even if she has masks that are endless, there are still only few people Clarke will allow to let in and see her real emotions when she’s feeling them.

Or maybe Lexa has just grown used to Clarke’s behaviors over the amount of time they’ve spent together, and she’s only learned her emotions through them. She likes to think it’s the former however, because the former involves Clarke voluntarily letting Lexa get closer to her and she likes that thought. “Have you ever actually seen it?”

Clarke is silent for some time and Lexa knows the answer before she says it out loud. “No.” She mumbles quietly. “But I’m sad so that doesn’t matter.” She teases and tries to sound light hearted about it but her normal tone of voice isn’t quite right.

Lexa doesn’t mind. “Disney or superheroes, that’s basically your DVD collection in your room.” She teases back with a soft grin even though Clarke’s head is still slumped on her shoulder and she definitely can’t see her face from that position.

Lexa thinks she can feel Clarke suddenly smirking at her though. “Going through my things, were you?” There’s a soft lilt to her voice and Lexa licks at her lower lip at the sound of it before immediately pushing out the thoughts that come with that voice.

“You have a wonder woman poster the size of my entire dorm room.” She states simply in argument.

Clarke gasps. “That’s an exaggeration!” Clarke pulls her head up from her shoulder to look at her scandalized, but there’s a small lightness to her eyes that hadn’t been there before. Lexa is grateful to see it. “It’s more like the size of half of your dorm room.” The blonde reasons and with that comment comes another smirk, Lexa is even happier to see that it’s managed to touch her eyes a small bit, though blue orbs are still quite misty.

Lexa laughs. “Fine, half.” She gives in, grinning.

Clarke seems to relax as she examines her mouth, taking in Lexa’s smile. Lexa never considered her smiles to be contagious before but often when she smiles Clarke seems to mirror it and she can’t quite pin-point why that makes her feel so good. “Superheroes and Disney okay. Pick your favorites and if you say you don’t have any favorites I might have to leave.” Clarke points at her and tilts an eyebrow up as if challenging her.

Lexa laughs again and shakes her head with a small eye roll. “I have favorites.” She says seriously and stops the show they had originally started. She pushes the laptop fully in Clarke’s lap. “Disney favorites yes, no superhero favorites though, so rent your favorites while I get pizza.” She sits up more from the position she had been leaning in to prepare to climb off the bed and get ready.

Clarke gently grabs her wrist before she gets very far. “Wait, you’re leaving me?” Clarke pouts with her bottom lip jutting out adorably, wide blue eyes blinking up at her and Lexa feels her heart suddenly go crazy inside of her chest.

She frowns a bit because now would not be a good time for a gay heart attack, but she thinks with Clarke that, that’s really inevitable. “You can come with me, I just didn’t figure you’d want to be around people right now?” She tells her gently and watches misty blue eyes clear a moment.

Clarke smiles warmly at her, it’s small but it’s incredibly bright and Lexa almost has to look away. “I want to be around you.” Her voice is low and raspy and vulnerable, and Lexa’s eyes briefly drop to Clarke lips before she catches herself and forces them back up.

If Clarke notices it, she doesn’t let Lexa know, but even if she did it wouldn’t be the first time Lexa’s been caught looking at her mouth. “Come with me than, I want pizza.” She responds with an answering smile.

Clarke’s eyes twinkle slightly. “What kind?”

“Just pepperoni.” Lexa says seriously.

The blonde frowns a moment as she seems to contemplate what Lexa has just told her. “Just… pepperoni…”

“If you say you don’t like pepperoni I might have to leave.” Lexa mimics Clarke’s earlier comment in hopes it’ll earn her a smile and it does and also an eye roll.

Clarke laughs and shakes her head. “I love pepperoni, the best pizza topping, we should add olives though.”

“Olives?”

“I love olives,” Clarke pops out her bottom lip and Lexa thinks her eyes get even bigger as she stares at her and she frowns because the look is working, it’s working very well.

“That’s just unfair, fine, we’ll add olives.” Clarke giggles and shuts Lexa’s laptop carefully, setting it on the bed as Lexa scoots off of the mattress to grab her converses and pull them on.

Clarke follows suit and eventually they’re leaving the dorm room after Lexa shoves her identification and some money in her pocket. “How far is the pizza place you want to go to?” The blonde asks her as Lexa shuts the door behind her.

Lexa tilts her head in the direction of the pizza place as if that will automatically send the coordinates to Clarke’s brain. “Across the street.”

“Anya’s territory.” Clarke jokes lightly knowing how Lexa finds it seriously ridiculous and smiles widely as Lexa rolls her eyes.

Once they’re outside and walking toward their destination, conversation between them is light to keep Clarke’s mind far from what’s been bothering her. She brushes her fingers lightly against Clarke’s, just because she can and eventually after enough times Clarke is huffing next to her and grabbing her hand, tangling their fingers together and even scoots closer to her so their somewhat pressed together while they walk.

Lexa only smiles, happy that she’s the one Clarke has decided to trust to take care of her today, if hand holding in that is included, well that’s just a bonus.

 

***

 

“You’re literally a mess.” Lexa rolls her eyes as she wipes at Clarke’s face with a napkin, red sauce dribbling down to her chin and almost dripping onto her bed sheets.

“You mean a messy eater doesn’t do it for you?” Clarke playfully pouts, batting her eyelashes at Lexa as she finishes wiping Clarke’s face for her and tosses the napkins in the small trash by her bed.

“Does it do it for you?” Lexa chuckles and nibbles on the crust of her last piece as Clarke wrinkles her nose at her.

“If you’re going to eat the crust, use the sauce, that’s why we have the sauce.” She pushes the small plastic container closer to Lexa’s side of the pizza box and Lexa shakes her head, pushing it back.

“We only got it because you wanted it.” She explains reasonably, having never been a big fan of the garlic dipping sauce Clarke had chosen while they waited in line.

“How can I be your friend when you eat the crust?” Clarke says playfully and dramatic.

“It’s because I’m cute and you’d have no one else to draw.” Clarke actually blushes after that comment and looks away from her.

It gets quiet between them but it’s not uncomfortable at all. It filled with ease and lightness and Lexa thinks that’s more than good for Clarke and the current emotional state she’s been in. Though Clarke seems to want to eventually break the silence. “How’s it going with that girl, we haven’t talked about that in a while.”

“Oh,” Lexa frowns at the change of topic. She stares at Clarke for awhile who’s playing with the sleeve of her sweater and avoiding looking at her and she thinks maybe this is the last thing Clarke even wants to be talking about.

She’s not exactly in the mood to pretend that it’s not Clarke she’s always talking about either, so she shakes her head. “That doesn’t matter, so we finished three marvel movies and wonder woman, did you want to try Disney now?” She offers up and easy change of topic, one they probably would both prefer.

“What do you mean it doesn’t matter?” Clarke whips her head up to look at her now, a furrow to her brow as she curiously gazes into Lexa’s face.

Lexa shrugs and looks down at the rest of the pizza crust still in her hands, she rips at it. “We don’t have to talk about that right now.” She mumbles softly and honestly. She isn’t fully in the mood and she really can’t think that Clarke is.

“What did she do?” Clarke suddenly sounds angry and Lexa slowly looks up at her to see a slight fire entering her gaze… Clarke really hasn’t figured it out and she doesn’t have any idea how she hasn’t. Sometimes she’s so sure Clarke knows, that she completely gets it, and then other times, like this, she’s surprised to find out Clarke knows nothing.

_How does Clarke know nothing?_

“She didn’t do anything.” She lets out a sigh. “I just don’t think we should be talking about this right now.” She tilts a brow at Clarke who frowns further and shakes her head.

“You can always talk to me about… _her_. Even if you won’t tell me who it is.” She playfully pouts and crosses her arms along her chest. “I’m your friend and I doubt your talking about her with anyone else really.” Friend… there’s that word. Sure, Lexa is her friend, wants to be her friend too but… she also would like to add more labels to their relationship.

“Clarke-” She goes to protest but the blonde is moving across the bed to sit next to her, pushing the pizza box to the end of the bed where she had originally been.

“You can talk about you right now, I prefer it actually.” She takes the pizza crust now in two pieces from Lexa’s hand and tosses it in the pizza box. “So tell me, what’s been happening?”

Lexa lets out a soft sigh and shakes her head. “Should I really be taking advice from someone who just had her face covered in pizza sauce?” She teases instead and Clarke smiles at her, a genuine big smile.

“Sure way to seduce a girl.” She winks. “Totally does it for you.” She giggles as Lexa rolls her eyes and turns away from her to grab a notebook from the bedside table. “No but really, how have you not seduced her yet? Surely you can, just with your eyes.” Clarke muses out loud and Lexa glances back at her with a raise to her eyebrow.

“My eyes?” She says in a confused tone.

“They’re so pretty.” Clarke mumbles and Lexa chuckles as she grabs a pack of pencils.

“I don’t know, most people aren’t seduced by eye color alone.” She teases as she leans back into her spot while Clarke continues to place with the sleeve on her sweater.

Suddenly she straightens up, almost excitedly. “Woo, you should like, walk into the room wearing only a towel or something!” Clarke is far too excited about this idea though she seems to be thinking about it really hard, with that knit to her eyebrows that accompanies deep thoughts.

Lexa can only laugh at her, holding her stomach. “And in what scenario would that actually come up?” She questions honestly, still smiling even after she’s settled down from laughing.

“There are plenty of scenarios.” Clarke rolls blue eyes and swings her hands around like that’s convincing enough.

“Such as?” Lexa quirks a brow, a teasing smirk still along her plump lips.

Clarke frowns at her. “She’s at your place and you shower? Maybe you go swimming together? Maybe your changing in a separate room?” All of these reasons seem to be obvious to Clarke and the look she’s giving Lexa is one of confusion as to how she hasn’t come to the same conclusions.

Lexa throws her head back in another laugh. “Yes, because if I was changing, completely dry and having no use for a towel, it wouldn’t be weird at all walking out into the room in only a towel when I don’t need it.”

Clarke swings her hands around again. “Well I mean I doubt she’s going to be thinking logically about it. You’d be in front of her nearly naked!?” She exclaims it, eyes wider as the words leave her mouth. Eventually blue darkens slightly and they drop from Lexa’s eyes for only a moment, gazing at thing clearly covered by clothing before she seems to snap out of it.

“She would definitely think about the logic of it.” Lexa says rather than bring to attention Clarke’s eyes wandering.

The blonde rolls blue orbs at her and huffs slightly. “Well it doesn’t have to be a towel, just try to get nearly naked and see what she does.” She grins at Lexa widely and moves her eyebrows up and down in a way that makes Lexa chuckle.

“I don’t want to do that.” Lexa laughs shaking her head as she opens her notebook and sets it in Clarke’s lap, along with the pack of pencils, specifically designed for drawing that she had dished out far too much money on just to store with her in case Clarke was ever with her and without her pencils.

Her eyes light up. “I’m just saying, if I saw you in only a towel I’d probably jump your bones.” Clarke snorts and begins to sketch automatically. Lexa doesn’t know what she’s come up with so fast, she only likes watching Clarke’s hands move as she creates something nobody else could.

“Are towels a turn on for you or something?” Lexa says, automatically storing this information for later.

“No, naked girls are though.” Clarke winks at her again before sifting through the pencils and finding a different one she’d like to draw with.

Lexa rolls her eyes but can’t help the affectionate smile that surfaces across her face despite herself. She’s sure she won’t be forgetting this conversation anytime soon.

 

 

“Can I stay?” It’s around 10:30 P.M. when Clarke asks and Costia hasn’t bothered coming back after grabbing her bag and phone. Lexa wonders if she will at all, it’s probably for the best that she doesn’t. Clarke probably wouldn’t be as comfortable if she were here.

“If you want to.” Lexa smiles at her, watching Clarke draw something that isn’t her for a change. She thinks it’s a resemblance of the bridge Clarke had led her to the night of that beach party, but she can’t be quite sure from this position.

“I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want too.” The blonde teases, her mood has lifted slightly, not that much, but slightly and Lexa sees that as a victory on her part. Clarke had been nearly balling by the time she got here and now her mood is less heavy, and her smile is warmer.

“Did you want to share the bed?” Lexa asks her bravely and for some reason the question must surprise Clarke because her hand stutters along the page and a soft blush rushes across her face. Lexa always feels a little triumphant when Clarke is the one to blush instead of her, because it doesn’t happen very often.

However, she doesn’t get long to bask in it because when Clarke looks up at her the blush is already gone. “Yeah, if that’s okay with you. I don’t have to stay.” Clarke replies sheepishly, biting at her lower lip as she lets her eyes fall back on her art.

“It’s okay with me.” Lexa gives Clarke her warmest and most comforting smile when she looks back at up at her words and watches how it seems to relax her.

“Can we put on another movie and go to bed?” Clarke asks gently, flipping the notebook Lexa was letting her use shut and handing it over to her. Lexa brushes her fingers against Clarke’s as she takes it, she does it intentionally, even if she doesn’t plan on admitting that to herself.

She nods, “Okay.”

Lexa puts the notebook away and stands to get ready for bed. She offers Clarke one of her own sweatshirts, since she knows how Clarke likes large comfy hoodies and nearly laughs at the excited look on the blonde’s face when Lexa hands it to her. She hands over a pair of sweatpants she thinks will fit as well. “The bathroom is there.” She points to the door that’s ajar. Really, Clarke probably already knew that, but she told her anyway.

Clarke hops up and presses a gentle kiss to a still standing Lexa’s cheek. “Thanks, gorgeous,” and she disappears into the bathroom, clicking the door shut softly.

Lexa releases a long heavy breath before she quickly changes into something comfortable to sleep in, a t-shirt and some shorts. She tries not to think about the way her cheek still tingles from the press of Clarke’s lips. She slips under the covers and scoots closest to the wall before she grabs her laptop and sets it on her laps as she moves through the movie list they had managed to make together after coming back with the pizza.

Clarke comes out a few minutes later, smiling at her as she slips into bed. Lexa learns quickly that apparently Clarke likes to cuddle, the blonde throwing a leg over her own and rests her head on Lexa’s chest as the laptop rests on them. Lexa is surprised by how comfortable she is and after the initial shock of the action Lexa wraps her arms around Clarke slowly, licking at her lower lip as the blonde seems to snuggle into her.

Clarke is the one to press play on the movie, but Lexa can hardly pay attention to it when she can feel every breath Clarke lets in and every one she lets out. Her hair is tickling Lexa’s chin and she can smell her now better than ever. Her entire body is pressed against Lexa’s, and even through layers of clothes she still thinks that it can’t block the awareness of all of Clarke’s curves cradling into her body.

She should just do it. At this point, what is she really waiting for? Outside of solving the feud and being unsure if Clarke actually does like her back, what is she really waiting for? Why would Clarke be here if she didn’t trust Lexa? She should just ask, pull Clarke level with her, ask to kiss her (because Clarke likes it when girls ask) and when Clarke says yes, she should just do it. No regrets, no more hesitations. Just go for it.

She can’t stop thinking about it.

In the end, reason wins out over desire. Clarke is here because she trusts her and kissing her right now is probably not the best decision, not while she’s so sad and seeking Lexa’s attention for emotional help. Kissing her would only make things worse, no matter how much Lexa wants to do it, and if Clarke wants it half as much as she does, that would make it an important moment. It can’t be clouded by this. Clarke wouldn’t want that.

Maybe Lexa’s just a chicken, she doesn’t know. But at least tonight, she has Clarke with her, in her arms and seeking her warmth as the beginning of Moana starts on her laptop. There’s still Anya to handle anyways, Lexa doesn’t want to be sneaking kisses when she finally is able to have them.

So, with that thought decided, she brushes her fingers through Clarke’s hair, repeatedly and feels her sigh, feels the breath cascade across her own skin and she may shiver a bit at that but she keeps up the movement, lets her eyes follow the movie, glancing down at Clarke every few seconds until eventually she is able to fall asleep. She doesn’t know if she falls asleep first or not, she just knows that she’s never been this comfortable.

 

***

 

Lexa doesn’t exactly know how long it was before she woke up that Clarke had left. She only knows that it was long enough for the place she had been sleeping to feel cold again, though her scent still lingered. It took Lexa a second to even realize she was gone, reaching for her as if she was some real-life teddy bear Lexa isn’t sure she can sleep without.

She was severely disappointed when she became conscious enough to realize there was nothing there for her to hold onto.

She reaches for her cellphone when she’s awake enough that the sunlight peeking through the window, past the curtain, doesn’t hurt her eyes. There is a message from Clarke this time, saying she had to go but not giving any real explanation why it had to be so soon, and Lexa is sure it was soon because it was only 7:30 and her sheets were cold enough to indicate that Clarke had been gone for a while.

She wonders if sleeping in the same bed was too uncomfortable for her? She really hopes not. Lexa had never slept so well in her whole life and the thought that she had made Clarke uncomfortable while somehow being so comfortable herself really didn’t sit well with her. She tries not to worry about it so much, tries to remind herself that yesterday Clarke was in a different kind of mood and she had trusted Lexa with taking care of her and she wouldn’t have stayed at all if she hadn’t of wanted too.

Raven would tell her to chill, Raven would tell her to be patient. Clarke has to think about things. There’s probably a perfectly reasonable explanation for Clarke leaving so soon and growing anxious that it was her fault wouldn’t help or solve anything. Especially when she hadn’t done anything wrong.

“I didn’t realize you and Clarke were so close?” Costia startles her. She had been so deep in thought from the moment she woke up that she didn’t even realize Costia was wide awake herself. She doesn’t even know when she came home.

Lexa clears her throat, sleep still clogging her normal thoughts along with worry about Clarke. “Uh, we’re friends.” She croaks over a dry throat and is sad to find that she did not remember to place a water bottle by her bad last night… she had been a little pre-occupied.

“Right, _friends_.” Costia rolls her eyes. “I thought you didn’t like girls like that.” Lexa doesn’t like her tone. It’s sharp and almost judgmental and Costia looks angry but Lexa can’t fully fathom why.

Lexa frowns immensely as Costia avoids meeting her eyes. “Girls like what?” She says slowly, clearing her throat again as it’s still too dry to be comfortable to speak.

“Like…” Costia huffs and swings her hands around. “Her.” She stands from her bed, as if the rage she is suddenly being filled with isn’t allowing her to sit still.

Lexa, honestly, doesn’t understand her in this moment. “What is that supposed to mean?” Lexa can feel her chest tighten, jaw clenching as she wills herself to hold back her temper.

She doesn’t really understand what Costia’s problem is, or why she’s bothering to act like this. Lexa feels incredibly protective of Clarke. “I,” Costia sighs and shakes her head. “I didn’t mean it like that I just,” Costia turns fully toward her now. “I’m sorry Lex, I just think you could do better.” Costia is willing her to listen, giving her a look that tells her she believes she knows best but all it serves to do is annoy Lexa greatly.

“You don’t even know anything about Clarke.” Lexa says defensively, standing up from her bed.

“Maybe you’re right.” Costia shakes her head. “I just… what if she hurts you?” Costia says softer, stepping closer to Lexa who is glaring at her now. Why does everyone just assume these things about Clarke? Because of a reputation that she didn’t even earn but was forced upon her? And why would Costia listen to those stupid rumors? She thought her roommate was better than that.

“Then that will be my problem and none of your business.” Lexa’s voice is firm, almost loud but not quite there. She doesn’t meet Costia’s wide eyes after she finishes her sentence, going through a quick routine so that she can leave the room quickly, onto a run to blow off some steam.

Costia didn’t really have the right to talk that way about Clarke, in fact, no one did. No one really knew Clarke and after so much time all Lexa has learned is that Clarke’s reputation is based off a bunch of exaggerations and lies made up by other people and their willingness to believe anything bad about another person. It’s immensely irritating because there’s absolutely nothing she can do about it.

She can’t stop people from believing in Clarke’s completely false reputation and she can’t stop it from effecting Clarke. It won’t stop her from defending her and she realizes on her run, that she’s probably going to have to be doing that a lot soon. Costia will definitely tell Anya and Anya isn’t going to like it. All Lexa can do is try and explain what Clarke means to her and then maybe Anya will listen.

Once Anya realizes that Lexa is in love with Clarke, _Anya will listen._

 

***

 

Sometimes Clarke drives her crazy, and not in a good way. She hasn’t replied to a single text, Lexa almost called her even, but she doubts Clarke would pick up. She doesn’t know why, she’s trying to be reasonable about it. On a normal day she probably would be, but today is the same day Clarke left early from the bed after they shared it and she’s just… anxious. Not to mention the fight with her roommate she had when she first woke up wasn’t helping the tension any.

What did she do?

She paces for a while outside of the library, hoping Clarke will decide to randomly show up since she’s done something like that in the past, but she doesn’t, and she knows she’s not going to. Lexa is still anxious, so she takes off for the hill on her own.

She’s half tempted to go to Clarke’s apartment. Maybe she’s painting, maybe she’s been painting all day and that’s all. Somehow, she doesn’t fully believe that, but she’s hoping that thinking it will be comforting. She just wants to know if she’s done something wrong so that she can fix it because when it comes to Clarke she doesn’t want to do anything wrong.

She thinks enough people have done Clarke wrong already when she never deserved it in the first place.

She walks a little slower up the hill because she somehow just knows Clarke isn’t going to be there, so she delays finding out the inevitable. But no matter how slow she had gone it changes nothing and the place is still incredibly vacant when she arrives. She lets out a soft heavy sigh and tosses her bag on the bench, glancing up at the board of drawings before glancing back down at her bag, wishing Clarke were there.

Though she double takes the board because there happens to be something new there. She clenches her jaw and approaches the board closer, a new date, todays in fact, right below the picture. It’s her, of course it’s her and she’s sleeping, and Lexa’s heart has no idea what to do with it. No idea if it should be beating too fast or not at all. In the end it settles on being confused because that’s what Lexa is.

Why would she draw her and then leave? Clearly, she had been drawing her awhile, because it’s fairly more detailed then a lot of the other drawings she had spent an evening on. A little less than the ones she had spent a few evenings on but still so well done. Again, beautiful and Lexa is reaching up to touch the glass in front of it before she can’t stop herself.

_Why did she leave than?_

Still confused she steps away from the board and grabs her bag off the table. She had been planning to sit by herself, maybe anxiously over analyze the night before while the sun goes down but now she doesn’t quite feel in the mood for it. She only wants to make sense of things. Maybe she should go over to Clarke’s and just ask her.

 

***

 

She enters her dorm room a quarter to midnight after spending the evening undecidedly pacing around campus, trying to figure out if going to Clarke’s apartment was a good idea or not. She had been avoiding it all day after her slight argument with Costia and sure enough the girl is there, immediately giving her wide apologetic eyes and is bouncing up from her bed to be far too close to her for the agitated state she finds herself in. “Hey Lexa, look I’m sorry about earlier. Clarke’s nice I’m sure she’s a good friend and I shouldn’t have overstepped.”

“No, you shouldn’t have.” Lexa says, not quite forgiving yet. Really, she’s tired of everyone overstepping when it comes to Clarke. She’s tired of hearing all the things that are so wrong about her and not being able to do anything about it and tonight she really wishes she could just be with Clarke and understand what’s going through her head because that mystery is a far more important one than any of the others.

“I’m really sorry Lexa.” Costia bats her eyelashes a bit, begging for forgiveness and Lexa after a moment of silence releases a long, defeated sigh.

“It’s fine, I forgive you.” She pulls her bag from around her and drops it at the foot of her bed, pulling her phone out of her pocket to place it on the charger.

“Where have you been all day, with Clarke?” Costia asks carefully, seemingly understanding that she’s on thin ice around the topic.

Lexa briefly glances at her as if to give her a warning before flicking through a few notifications on her phone. “No, just needed some time alone.” She’s not quite in the mood to talk. She kind of just wants to go to sleep and it doesn’t seem Clarke is going to message her, so she needs to put her phone down.

“So is it Clarke… the… enemy you’ve been flirting with?”

Lexa sighs and shakes her head. “I really don’t want to talk about this right now.”

Costia holds up her hand and sits back down on her bed. “Okay.” She submits gently and is still watching Lexa when she turns to look back down at her phone as she skims through some of her emails. One from her parents about funds, asking if she needs extra this month while they somewhat try to insist she come back home and transfer back to pre-law, another from a professor about an upcoming deadline for an assignment she completely forgot about.

“Does Anya know?” Costia mumbles quietly, almost a whisper. It’s loud enough to break Lexa out of her tired thoughts.

She rolls her eyes. “What do you think.” She doesn’t mean for the sass to enter her tone at the level it does, but it does nonetheless. She’s too tired for this.

“You should tell her because-”

“Costia.” She warns, and the girl snaps her mouth shut.

“Okay, sorry.” Costia responds sheepishly looks down and grabs for her laptop after she seems to realize that Lexa isn’t really in the mood to have a conversation with her, especially since all she wants to talk about is Clarke.

She’s just setting her phone down when it pings with a new text notification, just as the clock hits midnight and her heart is leaping straight out of her chest at Clarke’s name on the screen.

**Clarke (** _12:00 A.M._ **):** You up?

She’s picking up her phone and typing in a reply before she can stop herself or slow herself down.

**Lexa (** _12:00 A.M._ **):** Yes

She nearly face palms at the short and quick reply. _Talk about seeming desperate_.

**Clarke (** _12:00 A.M._ **):** Come over and help me paint?

**Lexa (** _12:01 A.M._ **):** You know I don’t paint

**Clarke (** _12:01 A.M._ **):** Come on, you said you’d help me, you know I don’t care about how much artistic ability you have

Lexa bites her lower lip as she thinks for a moment. It’s late, but it is the weekend and Clarke won’t have to work tomorrow and if she stays, and stays with Clarke than Clarke won’t leave, _maybe_. Unless she takes the couch again, which she could do. And Lexa isn’t going to bother about sharing the bed if it really did make her uncomfortable but then again if it had, surely, she wouldn’t have drawn her sleeping, right?

**Lexa (** _12:03 A.M._ **):** I’ll be there soon.

**Clarke (** _12:03 A.M._ **):** :)

**Clarke (** _12:04 A.M._ **):** don’t worry about an overnight bag, u can borrow my stuff again.

Lexa pulls her phone from the charger to shove it back in the front pocket of her jeans before reaching around her nightstand to pull the phone charger out of the wall and shove it into her backpack. She slips around the room to grab a hair brush and stuffs that in too before she pulls the bag over her shoulder and heads for the door.

“Leaving so soon?” Costia asks with her voice a bit of a higher pitch than before.

Lexa stops with her hand on the doorknob. She glances behind her. “I’ll be back tomorrow probably.” She says stiffly, knowing a protest to her leaving is coming. She can see it in Costia’s eyes before the words ever leave her mouth.

“Lexa, you shouldn’t go, I know it’s not my place, but she left so fast this morning and-”

“Costia I’m serious. Stop.”

Costia seems like she wants to continue to protest but the look on Lexa’s face must convince her otherwise and eventually she gives her a shallow nod before looking back down at her laptop. Lexa exits the dorm room without a second glance and feeling absolutely excited to see Clarke, even if the day has exhausted her. Even if she’d rather go to bed than bother painting at all. She’d rather be with Clarke than sleeping.

She’ll make sure everything is okay when she gets there.

 

***

 

Lexa knocks quietly because it’s late and she doesn’t want to wake Raven and Octavia if they’re already in bed. Clarke must have been waiting by the door because the door opens just seconds after she’s softly knocked, her fist isn’t even fully down yet when she comes face to face with Clarke, who she has not heard from or seen all day.

She feels like a giant weight is leaving her chest the moment Clarke smiles at her.

“Hey gorgeous.” She pulls the door further open and steps aside, so Lexa can step past the threshold into the apartment. Clarke hasn’t stepped back far enough in the tight hallway for Lexa not to brush her as she passes, but Lexa tries not to focus on that fact. It’s not the first time Clarke’s skin has touched her own.

“You stole my sweater.” Lexa mumbles softly when she turns her head slightly as Clarke is shutting the door. Lexa’s also not sure that Clarke’s even wearing pants, but she doesn’t allow her eyes to wander long enough in the dark to figure it out.

“Sorry.” Clarke glances at her sheepishly before breaking eye contact quickly, almost as if she’s guilty. “You can take it back with you tomorrow.”

Lexa shrugs. “No, you can keep it.” She says nonchalantly and glances away from Clarke just as the blonde moves her head up to look at her.

The door across the space of the living room, a ways behind the television is cracked open, the only light in the apartment that’s on comes from there, peeking out through every corner it can. “Come,” Clarke gently takes her hand, almost as if Lexa is the one that’s been avoiding her all day, as if Lexa is the one who is confusing.

Lexa doesn’t bring it up, she just lets Clarke slowly guide her to the room, Lexa dropping the bag around her shoulder on the ground by the door before Clarke pushes the door open to reveal the tiny office space she paints in. She has it set up, specifically for what she wants to do already, the left wall blank but a large canvas to cover the area.

“You said we’re throwing paint?”

“Yes, well, I actually have to do something specific with it, but I want you to help.” Clarke has dropped her hand to run toward the opposite side of the room, picking up supplies for whatever she’s planned. “I hope you don’t care about these clothes too much, I can get you something else if you do.” Lexa glances down at her outfit, not feeling very worried about getting paint on it.

If she did, the clothes would only remind her of Clarke and that can’t be a bad thing. “It’s fine.” She smiles at Clarke once she looks up again.

Clarke smiles back, again, like her grins are contagious. It makes Lexa’s heart flutter. “Well good, here, grab this.” Clarke hands over a paint brush, who knows what kind and Lexa holds onto it loosely while she watches Clarke run around the room as she continues to cover pieces of wall still in sight.

“So I’m guessing this is a really messy task?” Lexa asks with slight amusement as Clarke is climbing a step ladder in the corner to pin a sheet to the top.

“It can get that way.” Clarke glances at her with a grin before she finishes her task and steps back down the step ladder, folding it and leaning it against the wall.

“What exactly do you want me to do?”

“Here,” Clarke sets down trays of paint in different colors. “We’re starting with splatters, I just want you to go crazy, nothing specific.”

“I’m going to ruin this.” Lexa teases and Clarke rolls her eyes though her mouth lifts up in a slight grin.

“Not possible.” The blonde sighs like that’s just a fact that she can’t even control and Lexa doesn’t quite get that at first, but she doesn’t bother asking. She throws red paint at the wall instead and Clarke watches her a second before laughing and nodding her head in approval.

She doesn’t know how long they do this. It was already late when they started, but they must be at it a long time because they nearly fill the wall with color. Lexa doesn’t see absolutely anything in it, she hardly doubts Clarke could use this for a project, but she had to admit, that doing it was fun.

“So, my mom called me yesterday.”

“Huh?” Lexa is too distracted briefly, trying to throw the paint a certain way but she has no artistic vision so really, it just looks like every other throw.

“She’s getting married.” Lexa bunches her eyebrows together to glance to her side at Clarke who’s bunching something together in paint, though she has no idea what the hell she’s going to do with that.

“She is?”

“Yeah, my dad uh, he died, on, yesterday was the anniversary I guess, and she called me on it to tell me she’s getting married.” Clarke rolls her eyes and throws whatever she had been swirling in the paint at the wall a little too hard.

“Oh,” Lexa says, suddenly realizing that they’re not just painting anymore. Clarke is talking, Clarke is talking to her.

“I mean, I want her to be happy, she’s my mom. I just-” Clarke’s voice is softer, sadder as she talks, and Lexa doesn’t bother throwing paint while she stares at her and listens, not planning on missing a single word. “Sometimes its hard to be reminded that he’s gone and he’s not coming back.” Clarke shrugs and looks up to meet Lexa’s eyes. “That’s what was wrong.” She smiles softly but it doesn’t touch her eyes. “And you really helped me yesterday, I don’t think you get how much.”

Lexa smiles gently, sympathetically. “What are friends for?” She hates the word sometimes but, in this moment, that’s really what Clarke had needed yesterday. She needed her to be her friend and Lexa had done that, even if she had left early, even if she hadn’t been answering her today.

_Give her time._ Echoes in her head and she thinks she understands what Raven means now.

Clarke snickers. “Right, friends, I just-” She shakes her head letting out a soft sigh. “I really don’t think you get how wonderful of a person you really are. I don’t think you even see it, you don’t see half of what I do. I’m just amazed by you. And I know that’s, mushy as hell I just… want you to know that I appreciate you.”

Lexa can feel her heart expanding, much in the same way it has been lately, growing far too big for her chest. It’s almost painful, but damn is this feeling is absolutely beautiful. “Thank you, Clarke.” She shallowly nods her head at her as her voice cracks with the gratitude and the blonde smiles warmly at her, admiring her from her place.

For a moment, it’s quiet but it’s not at all uncomfortable. There’s something new settling between them, it always feels like something new and special settles every chance they get to have conversations that actually mean something. She thinks she’s tired enough to nearly blurt out every last feeling she has for Clarke right out, so Clarke knows exactly how she feels.

Instead, she picks the paint brush back up while Clarke watches her and smirks a little before she flicks it over in her direction. Clarke looks at her in shock for a second, eyes wide but full of something bright and shiny, just like Clarke herself. “What are you doing!?” Clarke giggles despite herself and Lexa smiles shrugging her shoulders.

“You seemed like you needed some color in your life.”

“You, are a dork.” Clarke ends up throwing a blue color at her and she feels it splatter along her cheek and into her hair before she’s retaliating.

Lexa has seen Clarke look a lot of things. She’s seen her in the morning, with messy hair and bags under her eyes, she’s seen her dressed up with lots of make-up covering her face, she’s seen her in tight dresses and baggy sweatpants and paint splattered hoodies and seen her with the wind in her hair and the sun reflecting in her eyes, but she’s never seen her like this. She’s never seen Clarke laugh the way she laughs at Lexa when she throws paint at her. She’s never in her life seen Clarke look as absolutely beautiful as she does with streaks of red paint on her body and in her hair. She’s never seen her like this.

Lexa thinks that breathing is suddenly a funny concept because how is it possible when Clarke Griffin exists in a moment like this? And how is a moment like this so damn real? And can she live in it forever?

She doesn’t know how much paint they throw at each other. She just knows her clothes are ruined, and so is the sweater that is also hers that Clarke happens to be wearing, the red staining the blue that ironically matches her eyes.

At some point mid-throw Clarke has changed tactics on Lexa and tackles her to the ground. Lexa is laughing too much to really realize the way Clarke is staring at her when she’s hovering over her. She doesn’t even notice tell the laughter in her throat dies and she meets those eyes she’s grown to fall in love with and there’s no emptiness in them, they’re not devoid of her emotions they burn with it. Burn Lexa when she reaches up to touch Clarke’s cheek affectionately.

Just like the damn sun, but Lexa would rather go blind than look away from her.

“You are perfect.” Clarke whispers and Lexa doesn’t quite know what to think of it. She just hopes Clarke wants to kiss her as much as Lexa wants to be kissed by her. She’s so damn close, it would be so easy.

She wants to ask but she can’t manage to remember how to form words when she can feel Clarke’s breath on her lips. Her body on top of her own, trapping her to the ground… well, not really because Clarke isn’t that heavy, but Lexa is too weak in this moment to ever move, she doesn’t want to ever move.

Clarke moves closer, leaning down and Lexa’s breath audible catches in her throat. She leans up, hands brushing through Clarke’s hair to the back of her neck, her nose skimming Clarke’s just as she’s about to close the distance, she thinks she can already taste her but a loud thumping on the office door pulls Clarke from her too soon and Lexa nearly audibly protests the moment Clarke parts from her.

“Y’all are loud.” Octavia teases through the door and Clarke grumbles slightly before extending her hand down to Lexa.

“Let’s get cleaned up, it’s pretty late, you probably want to sleep.” Lexa has no idea how Clarke can appear so unaffected. Sometimes she wonders if this feeling is all in her head. She tries not to dwell as she grabs Clarke’s hand and lets the blonde pull her up.

 

***

 

“Here this is my softest towel.” Clarke mumbles softly as she pushes a navy-blue towel in her hands. She thinks its ironic now, to be holding a towel, to be offered the exact scenario she and Clarke had discussed just the previous night.

Lexa grips it but her eyes don’t fall to it, attached to Clarke’s nervous movements. “Thanks.” That’s not what she wants to say.

“I have a lot of hair products if you’re particular about that.” Clarke’s fingers touch through the side of hair, brushing Lexa’s left ear and the brunette shivers slightly and very noticeably. She’s too tired to bother trying to hide it. All she wants is to finish what had started in Clarke’s office painting room.

“It should be fine.” Still not what she wants to say.

“Okay, you know where it is.” Clarke smiles at her and seems to be teasing but there’s something in her eyes, eyes that are still not devoid of her own emotions. Does she even know she’s doing it? It would be so easy to close the miniscule distance left between them, so why doesn’t she just do it?

“Clarke,” Her voice comes out as a soft whisper, the “k” clicking in just the right way that it makes the ocean in Clarke’s eyes turn into a storm. Something darker, but it’s not dangerous. Not really. It has to be the same thing Lexa is feeling if Clarke’s eyes dropping to her mouth to stare at it too long are any indication.

“I’ll shower after you.” She whispers, voice too low that Lexa could miss it if there was any other sound in the room. Clarke steps closer to her again, she’s still got streaks of red in her hair and splattered along her skin. Lexa aches to trace the paint.

_Clarke is a masterpiece._

“Okay.” Will she ever say what she wants to say?

After a long moment Lexa steps away from Clarke to escape into the bathroom. She thought about leaving the door open but assumed that would be too forward since she doesn’t exactly know where things are going, so she clicks it shut softly behind her. She sets the towel on the sink and stares at her reflection a long time, examining the blue and yellow Clarke had thrown at her, tracing streaks and patches on her skin until they disappear onto clothing.

She lets out a long shaky breath and straightens her back. She’ll figure this out, she has to do something bold. That’s all. She slips into the shower after she spends time stripping off her ruined clothes and waiting for it to heat up. She spends it deciding on what possible options she has. And it really is very late because Lexa nearly falls asleep in the shower, scrubbing her skin and thinking too hard about what she plans on doing.

When she finally gets out and dries and wakes up enough to realize that Clarke hadn’t handed her any clothes to walk in with, she takes that as an opportunity because well, this did discuss this didn’t they? There would be no mistaking this kind of move. She wraps the towel around her, securing it around her and pulls the door open. It is no longer dark in Clarke’s room like it had been before. Lexa thinks that’s good because the better Clarke can see her the better this will work, though she assumes by their previous conversation about this that perhaps Clarke would be affected the same way even in the dark.

And she thinks maybe it does work when Clarke turns as the door opens and catches her walking out in just the navy-blue towel, that really was quite soft on her skin, wrapped around her. Clarke blinks, many times and Lexa doesn’t exactly know how long she just stands there, staring at her.

They meet each other halfway, not saying anything, with Clarke eyes roaming too much to actually pull it off as casual. The blonde places her palm over the red sweater Lexa had worn the last time she was here, folded on the bed. “Her- here.” She stutters slightly, gulps and allows her eyes to meet Lexa’s, who cocks her head to the right slightly, hoping she looks good enough for Clarke to want to give in.

There’s no mistaking this, Clarke has to know what she’s doing. She just has to know.

She places her hand next to Clarke’s, nearly touching but not quite, her other hand holding onto the towel because she isn’t ready for it to fall if Clarke doesn’t want it too. She grips the material of the sweatshirt below her hand slightly. “Thanks.” She mumbles and wills herself to ask the question, to ask if she can kiss her finally because Lexa doesn’t know how much longer she can take waiting for it.

“I, um,” Clarke clears her throat, shaking her head and blinking quickly. To Lexa’s dismay, she backs away from her. “Have to get this paint off of me, driving me crazy.” She mumbles, voice quivering slightly and scurries past her quickly, rushing off into the bathroom and shutting the door too hard behind her.

Lexa lets out a heavy sigh, letting her head fall back before she turns around to stare at the closed door. What is she doing wrong? She hangs her head slightly and lets the towel drop so that she can pull on the offered clothes to her, the same red sweater with Clarke’s last name plastered along the front and a pair of shorts.

Maybe she’s imagining this effect she has on Clarke, maybe she doesn’t have one at all? Maybe she’s misunderstanding everything? How is that even possible, she really doesn’t know. She needs to talk to Raven about this because she’s sure she’d have some answers. She’ll have to set that up later, for now, she just wants to sleep.

She climbs into Clarke’s large comfy bed and slides under the covers, laying on the same side she had the last time she was here. She closes her eyes and listens to the shower in the other room, wondering what’s going through Clarke’s mind right now.

She thinks she almost falls asleep thinking about it. Perhaps she’s a minute from being out when she hears the door click open and it alerts her enough that she can’t fall asleep while she waits for Clarke to climb into the bed with her, she hopes she will, she thinks she should ask her like last time but who knows what Clarke will decide at this point.

She has to know what Lexa was doing.

She thinks she’s even forgotten how to breath awhile she waits, with her eyes shut, on the decision Clarke will make. When she feels the bed dip, she remembers again that she needs air in her lungs and lets in a quiet breath. She doesn’t turn to her right away, she doesn’t know if Clarke wants her too. She’s confused as to what Clarke seems to want. Should she take this as a rejection?

Maybe Clarke really doesn’t want her or maybe she should _just fucking ask._

She doesn’t, maybe she’s afraid of the answer. Instead she turns, eyes still shut and seeks Clarke out, wrapping her body around her in much the same fashion that Clarke had done to her the previous night and Lexa can feel the relieved breath Clarke releases at the contact and the way her hold on her turns tight fairly quickly, as if she’s afraid Lexa is about to run away from her.

Lexa doesn’t get it, but it’s hard to think about it when Clarke’s breathing under her ear and holding her so close that Lexa can feel all the curves of her body again… she could get used to this, really, really used to it. Clarke is warm and beautiful and so damn safe Lexa is terrified of her own emotions.

She thinks that she should be the one holding Clarke so tight because once this ends, when this ends, if it ends, it’s going to hurt. It’s going to hurt a lot more than she ever could have expected and she thinks she has a pretty tough heart.

But is tough, strong enough to survive this? And maybe Clarke is thinking the same exact thing. “ _Lexa_.” Clarke says quietly, and Lexa’s eyes open slowly, not expecting to hear her voice.

“Hmm?” She mumbles tiredly and tries to push down the emotions that are clawing their way up.

“I’m really happy to have met you.”

Lexa’s heart pounds nearly too hard in her chest, nearly painful. It feels big and heavy and she’s sure it’s loud enough for Clarke to hear but she tries to ignore it anyway, lifting herself up so that she can meet Clarke’s eyes, the blue misting over again. Lexa touches her cheek lightly. “You’re stuck with me now, so that’s a good thing.” She tells her light heartedly and watches Clarke blink a few times, it proves too much this time and a few tears escape her eyes.

She smiles, even laughs slightly despite herself. “Thank you.” She says, and Lexa shakes her head, brushing the few tears that escaped Clarke eyes off with her fingertips before laying back down with her ear back over Clarke’s heart.

“Goodnight Clarke.”

She feels Clarke kiss her head gently. “Goodnight Lexa.” Her voice quivers and Lexa latches onto her tighter and there’s no mistaking how she feels for her, how Lexa is feeling for her.

She’s in love with her, really, really in love with her.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does something happen in this chapter that you guys have been waiting forever for? Idk, you'll have to find out. :)

Lexa isn’t sure if it’s Clarke’s touches, soft and in her hair and along her cheek, that wake her up, or if it’s the sunlight peeking in through her window. It’s fairly bright, indicating Clarke had not shut the blinds the night before and well, that’s understandable. Lexa, however, is still very tired when she manages to blink her eyes open and squint in Clarke’s direction, which happens to be directly in front of her, almost as if she’s been there the whole time, just watching Lexa sleep.

She doesn’t know what time it is, but she does know that it can’t be that late because she still feels exhausted. “Hi,” Clarke mumbles softly in the space between them. She brushes her thumb along Lexa’s cheekbone as she does so. There’s a look in her eyes, a similar one to the one Lexa had seen last night, maybe it hadn’t left. It’s making her feel warm and her heart lurch in her chest.

“Hi.” She whispers back, throat somewhat dry and a raspy tone that only accompanies her voice in mornings.

“It’s still early if you want to sleep more.” Clarke says quietly, almost like she fears speaking too loudly. Lexa just hopes she won’t pull her touch away any time soon. She’s quite enjoying it.

“What time is it?” She mumbles almost too quietly to be heard, eyelids fluttering shut every few seconds to Clarke’s soothing touch. She struggles to keep them open so that she can see her.

“Little past 7.” Lexa sighs heavily and allows her eyes to stay shut when they flutter closed again, snuggling into the pillow below her. She lets her free hand find Clarke’s sweater, curling into the material and moving her body closer, feeling as if there’s just too much distance between them. Clarke lets her, her touch brushing through unfortunately slightly still damp, curly knotted brown hair. “I didn’t know your hair could be so curly.” Clarke teases lightly and Lexa hums slightly in response as she tangles a leg over Clarke’s. She can’t be close enough right now. Clarke is warm and safe, and her breathing is like a soothing melody.

“It’s always a mess.” She grumbles slightly with her eyes shut.

She can still feel Clarke’s fingers gently caressing through it, brushing her ear every once in awhile and she can’t honestly figure out a time she’s ever felt more comfortable than she does right now. “I think your hair is beautiful.” Clarke nearly whispers, and Lexa lets her eyes flutter open again to meet Clarke’s pretty blue ones.

She sucks in breath slightly at the sight of Clarke’s eyes actually sparkling. “You’re beautiful.” Lexa blurts and maybe she panics a little and maybe it’s silly, but it does make Clarke blush slightly, and light caress the tip of her ear as if to silently communicate that she appreciates the compliment.

Lexa thinks she’d say a hundred more if Clarke will let her. “Someone’s a softy when they first wake up.” The blonde teases with a slight grin, light eyes twinkling into her own. She’s having a hard time keeping them shut when Clarke looks so beautiful and is so very close to her, even if she is exhausted and her eyes are drooping of their own accord.

She wishes they wouldn’t, she can’t get enough of Clarke’s face. “I’m thirsty.” She says after a moment and Clarke’s grin turns even more affectionate, the skin around her eyes wrinkling with the genuine happiness in it. Lexa can count the number of time she’s seen this smile on Clarke’s face on one hand in the time that they’ve known each other.

“There’s some water bottles in the fridge. I’ll go get them.” The blonde goes to move out of the bed, but Lexa tightens her grip. She doesn’t want Clarke to leave, she can wait a bit longer to hydrate.

A soft, “no,” leaves her dry throat in protest before she can stop herself.

Clarke doesn’t seem to mind, only smiling even bigger at her as she settles back into her pervious position, maybe even moving a little closer to Lexa, their noses nearly touching. “Okay, we can stay here for a while.” Clarke mumbles in nearly a whisper, as if speaking any louder will pop the bubble they find themselves in.

“Okay.” Lexa mumbles in agreement and her eyes shut for a minute before she can force them back open. Sleep is trying it’s best to take her away from Clarke right now, she honestly doesn’t believe she’s been asleep that long.

“Go ahead and sleep some more, it’s okay.” Clarke goes back to the same motion she had done before, the soothing caress in her hair that makes it even harder for Lexa to keep her eyes open.

She’d rather be awake, in this moment. “I’m awake.” She mumbles sleepily, fighting the droop of her eyelids as Clarke lets out a soft quiet chuckle, the air puffing against Lexa’s mouth. She’s so very close, Lexa likes her close like this.

She likes waking up with her much better than waking up without her. “It’s okay Lexa, sleep. We don’t have anywhere we have to go today.” Clarke’s voice is raspy and low but soft, so soft. The comment whispered to her as if it’s some kind of secret confession.

Lexa’s heart speeds up quickly in her chest like it is as well. She thinks Clarke can probably hear it, pounding against her ribcage. “Good.” Lexa responds in a slight rasp and can’t help the soft smile that graces her face as she hears Clarke laugh, her eyes falling shut before she can watch the action fully.

After her laugh dies down it’s a bit quiet between them for a while, Clarke softly caressing her hair, continuously, brushing her ear occasionally, so Lexa shivers. There’s soft breathing between them, she thinks she’s nearly asleep when she feels Clarke’s nose brush against her own and she allows her eyes to flutter back open to meet Clarke’s blue ones, that are so very close to hers.

Lexa thinks she’s tired enough to kiss Clarke without hesitating, if her throat weren’t so dry for lack of water. She licks at her lips slightly, to moisten them and they’re somewhat chapped. Clarke’s eyes drop to watch the action and Lexa can feel her heartbeat getting more aggressive.

Clarke doesn’t seem to mind if her breath is bad because she’s so close and doesn’t seem to be parting from her any time soon. “You’re not sleeping.” The blonde rasps out again, a slight turn of her head as her eyes travel back up from Lexa’s mouth to meet her green eyes again.

Lexa’s hands tighten in Clarke’s sweater. “Neither are you.” She licks her lips again and adjusts slightly to move her hair out of her face without removing her hands from where they’re tangled in Clarke’s sweater.

“I’m not as tired.” Clarke moves some strands for her when she sees her struggling slightly. Lexa shivers again as she intentionally brushes against the shell of her ear.

Lexa furrows her brows together in thought. “You’ve had less sleep than me.”

“That’s normal.” Clarke chuckles and props her head up on her free hand, bending her elbow into the pillows. It takes away the same closeness as Clarke is now gazing down at her, though she still caresses knotted curls with her other hand.

“Do you always sleep so little?” Lexa asks curiously, staring up at Clarke now, eyes tracing the contours of Clarke’s face.

“I’ve always had trouble sleeping, even when I feel as safe as I do with you.” Clarke’s fingertips brush along her jawline delicately as she says it and then they glide up to caress her cheekbone before sliding back into her hair.

“I’m sorry.” Clarke smiles warmly at her.

She shakes her head slightly. “Don’t be, it’s not your fault.” Her smile is still genuine and wide.

“I know, but still.” Lexa smiles back at her, maybe just as big and again, she feels like it must be contagious because it makes Clarke giggle.

Clarke really looks beautiful with the sunlight peeking in through the window. Her hair is a complete mess and Lexa thinks she sees a peak of red paint still on her skin, right under her ear that she must have missed in the shower last night. She’s never been so damn stunning. “Would you like some water now, if you aren’t going to go back to sleep?” Lexa blinks at her for a second as she watches her mouth move, eyebrows furrowing as she tries to get her sleepy gay brain to focus on the words coming from Clarke’s lips.

It takes her a few seconds longer than it should to respond before she’s shaking her head. “I’ll get it, stay.” Lexa sits up causing Clarke’s touch to fall away only for Clarke to grip her hand before she can climb out of the bed.

“No, you stay, we’ll both stay.” Clarke blinks at her, almost too innocently and Lexa can’t help but smile slightly as she lays back down. Clarke allows her head to fall back onto the pillow so that they are very close again and she again brushes her nose against Lexa’s.

Lexa tangles their fingers together and moves to lean forward and just close the distance because why the hell not? It’s not perfect, her lips are slightly chapped and her throat is dry and she doubts her breath is super great right now, but why not? But another knock comes to interrupt them and Clarke jerks slightly, as if she had been in a trance and is just waking up to glare at her bedroom door.

“Breakfast in fifteen Clarke!” Raven shouts through the wood and Lexa lets out a soft sigh as she detangles herself from Clarke.

“I’ll get the water now.” She nearly grumbles but manages not to.

“Wait Lexa.” Clarke grabs her hand again to stop her. She turns to meet her eyes and feels the emotion burning in them. They’re so blue but they feel like fire. Lexa doesn’t mind being burned at all.

“What?” She questions after Clarke must forget her question because the silence carries between them for a while, Clarke’s eyes searching her face in every second that passes.

The blonde blinks a moment. “Nothing just, tell Raven to make extra for you.”

Lexa nods her head. “Okay.” She climbs out of bed, missing Clarke’s touch as she makes her way to the door. She glances back at Clarke who is still watching her, that look still in her eyes and she thinks Clarke almost says something to her but she must change her mind and Lexa must change her mind on saying anything either because instead of climbing back into the bed and into Clarke’s arms and finally, finally kissing her, she only exits the room in search for that water.

She really needs it anyway.

 

***

 

“Hmm, I’m pretty sure you aren’t Clarke.” Raven cackles slightly as Lexa makes her way out of the room, softly clicking the door closed behind her. The brunette is leaning against the back of the couch, fiddling with her phone when Lexa comes out of Clarke’s room.

She smiles at Raven. “No.” She says with a chuckle and follows Raven into the kitchen, the Latina shooting her another teasing grin before focusing on her destination toward the kitchen.

Once they’re in the room, Lexa can’t help but sniff out the food that Raven’s been making. The smell of bacon and waffles she thinks and she’d be lying if she said she wasn’t hungry. Lexa’s heads for the fridge rather than beelining for Raven’s side to hover over her like a puppy.

The brunette glances at her and takes her in slightly, that teasing smirk still firmly on her lips. “So is this Clarke’s way of claiming you?” Raven teasingly tugs on the sleeve of Clarke’s sweater that Lexa is still wearing, and she can’t help the warmth that spreads across her cheeks.

She shakes her head. “No, we didn’t do anything we, we were painting last night.” She doesn’t know why she searches so quickly for an explanation to her wearing the same sweater they had seen her in last time she was here. The thought of being claimed by Clarke was a little more appealing than she’d care to admit out loud. Her face was red enough for Raven to know that anyways.

“I know.” Raven moves back to the stove where she’s making breakfast and Lexa leans up on her tiptoes to stare at what she’s making, her stomach grumbling slightly as she catches sight of sizzling bacon before heading the rest of the way to the fridge and looking for the water bottles Clarke had told her about.

“Raven,” Lexa pulls out two and shuts the fridge door, turning to her friend, because she feels confident in calling Raven her friend at this point. She wants to call Raven her friend, she likes that. “Do you still think Clarke likes me?” She hates how she phrases the question, this wasn’t how she wanted to ask for advice. She sounds like a thirteen-year-old girl.

Raven snorts as if the answer is obvious. “Of course, I do.” She glances over at Lexa to notice the furrow of her brows and the slight frown on her face. “Ah, I’ve seen that look before.”

Lexa blinks at her, snapping out of her own thoughts on how to properly word the question she wants to ask that sounds a little less childish. “You have?” She asks instead, wondering what Raven could mean.

The girl nods. “Remember what I said, be patient. She’s just careful and doesn’t always know how to communicate how she’s feeling.” Raven waves around her spatula as she moves to the waffle maker and Lexa frowns some more.

She lets out a heavy sigh, figuring that maybe Raven already knows what she’s trying to ask without her actually having to ask it. She nods her head. “I suppose I could be better at it too.” She admits honestly, feeling a bit sheepish at that.

Raven snorts amusedly again. “Yeah probably, instead of coming up with secret flirting meetings.” She teases lightly, and Lexa feels herself blush again before she huffs out a defensive breath.

She rolls her eyes. “Shut up, when will you be done with breakfast?” She asks instead, moving the topic of conversation onto the absolutely delicious smell that’s filled up the apartment.

“I am willing to let you two hibernate if that involves the both of you making out a lot. Otherwise you have to eat with me and Octavia at the counter, it’s house rules we all eat breakfast together. We made that rule when we all first moved in here.” She gives Lexa a look that informs the brunette that she won’t be able to get out of that one, but if Lexa is honest. She doesn’t want to. She hasn’t exactly made many friends since she’s been here, and she’s always comfortable around Clarke and even more so around Raven than she expected.

She can’t help but smile at her new friend. “Clarke told me to tell you that you have to make extra for me.” Lexa chuckles slightly and Raven rolls her eyes, mumbling something about bossy blondes under her breath.

“So no making out?” She glances back at Lexa again before focusing back on her cooking.

“I’m trying.” Lexa lets out another breath.

Raven tilts her head back in a large laugh as she finishes up, dumping breakfast on individual plates. “You’re trying?” She continues to laugh, and Lexa can feel her face heating up even more despite herself.

“I was very obvious last night she just…” Lexa frowns more. “I’m not sure she wants to. I thought she did, she seems like she does, I don’t know.” She shrugs again and fiddles with the water bottles in her hands.

“Remember what I said. She’s careful, she takes time to get used to this. She’s been through quite a bit. I’m not saying you deserve to be red lighted first but it’s just what Clarke does now. I’m helping the best I can too.” Raven winks at her and Lexa isn’t sure she wants to know exactly what that means.

She decides to ask anyway. “What do you mean by that?”

Raven chuckles. “We talk. I help her work things out. She’ll be kissing you soon.” Raven winks at her with a playful grin growing wider and Lexa feels another blush rush across her face.

“I can’t believe I’m talking with you about this stuff.” Lexa admits quietly under her breath.

“Oh, I can, who else are you going to talk to about it? Anya?” Raven snorts more and shakes her head as she distributes individual silverware to each plate.

Lexa groans slightly. “I have to talk to Anya about it.” Lexa lets out a defeated sigh, brushing a hand through knotted curls as she hugs the waters to her chest.

“Well eventually but I doubt now is the time.” Raven shrugs.

“Now is as good as any.” She grumbles at that fact because she knows it’s time. She has to do it, if she waits any longer its only a matter of time it gets back to Anya before she gets the chance to tell her, herself and she doesn’t want anyone telling Anya besides her. She deserves to hear it from her, and then Lexa can explain and maybe she’ll listen.

She has to listen.

Raven tilts an eyebrow upward as she meets her gaze. “What do you mean?”

Lexa lets out a gentle breath. “Costia already knows and… I… I have to tell her. She’s my sister and Clarke is… _special_.” Lexa bites her bottom lip as another telling blush rushes across her cheek and she looks down, hoping her knotted hair will hide it.

She doesn’t want to look at Raven, but she doesn’t have to, to feel her curious gaze, suddenly suspicious on her. “Special like… heart flutter crush special or special like love special?” Lexa doesn’t look at her as Raven gasps. “You love her!” Lexa snaps her head up to glare at Raven, glancing at the doorway of the kitchen.

“Shut up maybe?” She feels her heart slamming harshly against her ribcage, adrenaline entering her blood stream at the thought of Clarke having overheard that at all.

“Sorry, I’m sorry, just…” Raven whistles. “I wasn’t expecting that for some reason. I don’t know why.” Raven shifts a hand through her hair with knitted eyebrows, heavy surprise on her face and Lexa panics slightly at seeing it.

She hopes Raven trusts her with this feeling, not that it can be helped even if she didn’t. “I’m surprised you’re surprised.” She nearly whispers, still hugging the waters as Raven looks at her again.

Her expression shifts from confused and serious to something a little softer. “I mean, sure I thought it would probably lead there. I just thought, I don’t know, I guess I didn’t know how serious it was. I just knew you were crushing hard. I know she’s crushing hard but now.” Raven backs away from the plates, full of the food she had prepared. “Now I’m wondering if she’s maybe in love with you too.” Raven looks so deep in thought at that, that Lexa fears speaking will disturb her too much.

Lexa’s heart trips in her chest. “How would you know?” She asks too curiously. Honestly, she’d prefer to find this out from Clarke herself, but she found herself asking before she really knew what she was saying.

“It would make more sense. I know she’s careful, but she also hasn’t taken a step to take your relationship to the next level, and that’s weird. I know it takes her time to be okay with certain things but to not having even kissed you yet? Maybe she’s being so careful because she’s in love with you too?” Raven says it like she’s completely unsure in her own thought process. Lexa tries not to feel too much hope at her words, after all, Raven doesn’t actually know what Clarke is thinking. Lexa takes in a heavy breath and Raven chuckles. “Relax, I’m theorizing, you have to tell her.”

Lexa shakes her head. “How? I can’t even tell her I like her without fumbling over my own tongue.”

Raven is laughing at her again. “Right, action is what you two do, so show her.” She encourages almost too excitedly.

Lexa tilts her head slightly, a furrow to her brows. “How?”

“I don’t know, you’ll figure it out. Tell Anya and explain it to her, maybe I can help with Anya. Oh, and make your relationship… friendship I mean more public than it already is. Like take her to parties and stuff you know Anya and her friends will be at.”

“That’s not going to show her that I…” Lexa doesn’t know why it’s so hard to say out loud but she can’t seem to squeeze the words past her throat. She only swallows her feelings.

“No. But like I don’t know Lexa, brainstorm.” Raven swings around her hands as Lexa skates another hand through long hair. “Just start with telling Anya. You just told me why you must, so start there. You’ll figure it out, I think you and Clarke both will.” Raven encourages with a gentle sweet grin.

Lexa nods her head and starts heading toward the exits of the kitchen, thoughts racing. “Get Clarke and come meet us at the counter, it’s breakfast time.” Raven calls as she leaves and Lexa glances back at her to nod her head.

“Okay.” She says with a fluttering heart.

 

***

 

Breakfast was eventful, more so than Lexa was expecting, though maybe she should have known based off Raven’s tendency to tease and Octavia’s assumptions the last time she saw Lexa here, wearing the same sweater she’s wearing now. Really, she should have seen the teasing to Clarke coming, but for some reason she didn’t. She wasn’t expecting it, and the first comment had her choking on the water she had just sipped from her glass.

Lexa should have seen it in the smirk on Octavia’s mouth when she looked at Clarke, but she had been too busy focused on Clarke fingers brushing hers under the counter and drinking the water Clarke had poured from the bottle into a glass for her. “You would have sex in paint, wouldn’t you Griffin?” Lexa sputter over water seems to make the whole thing funnier and Raven barks out laughter as she bangs her hand against the counter.

Clarke’s hand is on her back, rubbing soothingly as she coughs into a napkin, tears stinging her eyes from choking. “You’re trying to kill her?” Clarke snaps and scoots her stool closer to Lexa’s as she gets a handle on her breathing, as if she’s trying to protect her from the water she swallowed into her lungs.

Octavia is grinning wickedly. “I’m just saying, you forgot to wash off all the paint and I could hardly get any sleep.” She points to the red, faded and barely there behind Clarke’s ear that Lexa had noticed earlier. Maybe she should have pointed it out before, now she can feel her face turning the same color of the paint she had thrown at Clarke last night.

“As if, you got home at two in the morning, don’t think I don’t know that you go to the gym late at night like a weirdo.” Clarke is actually blushing when Lexa has gained control of herself enough to look at her.

She thinks about walking into Clarke’s room in a towel while her lungs still burn, and she can feel her own face only grow hotter. She wonders if Clarke is thinking of the same thing, Octavia could have been right if Clarke had taken the stupid hint. “I don’t know, maybe Octavia is on to something, Lexa’s hair was pretty wild when she came out for some water.” Lexa, still recovering, shoots Raven a glare who only grins at her cheekily.

Clarke doesn’t seem to be having any of it. “That’s it, if you’re going to behave like children. I get all your bacon.”

“Hey!” Octavia practically screams as Clarke shoots for the bacon on her plate first, which is ironic since Raven is in between them. “Just because you worked up an appetite all night does not mean you get to steal my food!” Octavia yells, cowering over her food and slapping Clarke’s hands away.

“Girls!” Raven scoots more firmly between them, keeping Clarke’s hands from Octavia’s plate. Lexa decides to help them, lighting placing her palm on Clarke’s bare thigh, closer to the knee and squeezing slightly.

It works flawlessly, Clarke’s movements faltering and making the blonde whip her head in Lexa’s direction. Lexa smiles warmly at her, affectionate and light. “You can have mine.” She mumbles and scoots the three pieces of bacon she has left onto Clarke plate, brushing her thumb along Clarke’s bare skin.

“Riiiight, and you didn’t sleep together.” Octavia rolls her eyes but only grin wider as the spell on Clarke breaks briefly for her to nearly lunge at Octavia, she would if Lexa’s touch was still on her leg.

Raven grins at Lexa widely, her own teasing silent but Lexa avoids eye contact because she knows what she’ll find. “I’m sorry Lexa, keep your bacon.” Clarke mumbles after a moment, quiet and soft, like she only wants Lexa to hear what she has to say. Lexa’s heart soars as she pushes the three pieces back onto Lexa’s plate. Clarke drops her hand on top of Lexa’s, her palm to the back of Lexa’s hand, and tangles their fingers together.

Clarke squeaks slightly when Lexa drops a kiss to the corner of her mouth, smooth and not as fumbling as she normally is and squeezes her fingers as she does so. Afterwards she focuses on her food, because she’s actually quite hungry and she hasn’t eaten enough of Raven’s cooking. Lexa thinks Raven is probably brilliant at everything she does, because she’d die for these waffles.

Clarke is only momentarily distracted with staring at her, eyes wider than normal but that look still there to stay. Lexa can feel those blues burn into her and when she meets her gaze she wonders what the hell Clarke is thinking because her eyebrows have furrowed in that way that they get when she’s too focused and then her eyes drop to her mouth and Lexa assumes that maybe she knows exactly what Clarke is thinking.

She’d kiss Clarke now if there weren’t two other people in the room, though half of her has a mind to do it anyway. If they’re going to tease them, might as well give them something to tease them for.

But than Clarke is blinking and turning away, head turning back to Octavia who has said something else to her that Lexa didn’t really hear while she was focused on Clarke’s face and still chewing the waffle in her mouth. She briefly registers something about eye-fucking at the breakfast table not being allowed, but who cares about that when Clarke is still holding her hand and looking at her with those eyes.

Who cares what anyone thinks about them. And that’s the last thought she has before she slips her hand out of Clarke’s to finish her breakfast so that she can get ready for the day because she needs to tell Anya, she’s going to tell Anya today. She can’t wait anymore or put it off. Time was limited anyway and if Clarke is going to let her, then she might be kissing her soon and Anya just… has to know how she feels.

And so does Clarke.

 

***

 

Her hands shake as she stands in front of Anya’s dorm room door. She’s going to do it, no more holding back, she’s going to do it. Anya has to know, and she’ll have to say it out loud. Anya has to know and then Clarke… Clarke has to know at least half of it. Maybe not the love part, Lexa isn’t sure she could say that when she hasn’t even honestly told Clarke that she likes her yet. But she’s going to try today. She’ll tell Anya she’s been seeing Clarke, that she really likes her, _loves_ her, wants to be with her and Anya is going to have to deal with it and hopefully they can come to some kind of agreement and then she’ll tell Clarke it’s her.

That it’s always been her.

She takes in a deep breath, wills her hands to stop shaking and raises her fist up to knock on her sister’s door. Anya answers with in a few minutes and Lexa immediately knows there’s something wrong by the look she gives her within the few seconds it takes Lexa to try and greet her.

“We need to talk.” Anya says snappily and pulls the door open wider for Lexa to walk in. She takes in another nervous breath and crosses the threshold into her sister’s dorm room, turning around to look at her as she closes the door.

She doesn’t like the look that’s on her face already, it turns her stomach and gives her a bad feeling. But she soldiers on anyway, she just needs to get it all out before anything else. “Anya, there’s something I-”

“Don’t start. Let me start.” Anya takes in a deep breath and closes her eyes a moment. “ _Clarke_?” Lexa’s heart sinks to her stomach as she snaps her mouth shut. Damn it. She wanted to do it, she wanted to be the one to get to her first. _Costia_ … she should have come to Anya sooner, to this conclusion sooner. Why wouldn’t Costia tell Anya anyway, she was certainly more loyal to her than she would ever be to Lexa, having known her longer.

She should have known by the way she had acted, she did know, she just didn’t know how soon. She should have acted faster, this is her fault. She can feel the guilt starting to tear up her gut, having kept it from Anya for so long, sprinkled the lies to hide it, and now not even being the one to tell her first. This isn’t helping her sister at all, this is only making things worse and it’s her fault it’s happened this way. “Listen Anya it’s-”

Anya shakes her head, in pure agitation. She looks terribly unhappy. “I had to find out from Costia?” She sounds incredibly hurt when she says that, eyes sparkling with a different emotion that Lexa doesn’t’ often see on her face. Disappointment, but Lexa doesn’t know which she’s disappointed in her for, though she’s sure she’s about to find out. “What, are you seeing her?” Anya asks the question like she fears the answer.

Lexa licks at her lower lip nervously, feeling the beginnings of a blush on her cheeks as she tugs both hands through her hair, pulling tangles out of her face. She takes in a shaky breath and tries to figure out where to begin. “I was coming to tell you that-”

“Lexa, please not Clarke.” As in pure Anya fashion whenever it comes to the topic of Clarke, she’s set to interrupt her before she even gets a chance to really talk.

Lexa clenches her jaw, an immediate fire taking up in her chest. Perhaps it’s how many times she’s heard this in such a short span of time. Perhaps it’s the overwhelming emotions she has for Clarke that really make hearing things like this so much worse. Perhaps it’s because it’s coming from her sister who she loves more than anything and having Anya not support her is a terrible feeling.

Her jaw clenches again and her posture has straightened. She has to do this, so she forces herself to speak. “Anya, you don’t even really know anything about her. You know what Niylah told you, which is a lie.” She tries to be reasonable, but her voice is too level, almost cold as she says it. She doesn’t want to pick between them, she _won’t_ pick between them.

Anya shakes her head and Lexa can feel her heart sink because she doesn’t think Anya is going to listen to her, to understand. “Is that what Clarke said? You can’t trust her Lexa, I thought I told you that. I thought you understood that.” She sounds angry and incredibly over protective and Lexa knows, Lexa knows she’s just afraid Lexa is going to leave. She’s just afraid that Lexa is going to get hurt, to not be able to handle it but Lexa can’t pull herself into a level-headed state of mind.

She’s angry that the first thing Anya wants to do is bash Clarke instead of asking her how it happened, how she’s feeling, what she thinks. She’s angry and she can’t help that. “I don’t understand anything you ever say when it comes to Clarke and you know what, even if any of it were true. I’m an adult, I can choose who my friends are.” Her voice rises louder than she expected it too when she speaks, she thinks the shaking in her hands has traveled and increased to the rest of her.

Anya shakes her head again, looking more stressed than Lexa has seen her in awhile. Normally she’d shut down at the look on her face, she’d step into her space and talk to her calmly and of everything she can to make it better. But she’s too angry and too agitated to do it right this time. “Friends, you think that’s all Clarke wants from you?”

Her jaw clenches so hard it hurts, aches even. “You don’t even know her.” She feels protective of Clarke, incredibly so. Her heart aches slightly for the fact that she somehow knows that this conversation is going nowhere. She wonders if she had gotten to her sooner, if it had been her Anya had originally heard it from, if she would have listened than. She wonders if telling Anya that she is in love with Clarke will do her any good, or if it will only make things worse.

“I know her well enough to know she’s not good enough for you. She’s only going to hurt you Lexa, please listen to me. Clarke is just bad people, she’ll hurt you and you’ll want to leave and-”

“I’m sick of listening to you when it comes to her. I’m sick of listening to any of your stupid friends who are terrible by the way? You have to accept this because she’s staying in my life.” Because Lexa really doesn’t want to remember what it’s like to not have Clarke in her life. She can’t imagine it anymore, she doesn’t want it.

Anya shuffles a frustrated hand through her hair and looks absolutely livid. “Why Lexa? What about her is so special?” She throws her hands to the side, the question isn’t genuine, it isn’t what Lexa wishes it was. She wishes she was asking her that in different context. She wishes Anya would care about her enough to set aside her feelings of dislike for Clarke.

Lexa shakes her head, suddenly feeling even more disappointment than she was expecting too. She wraps her arms around herself, clenching her jaw again. “That doesn’t matter, what matters is she’s important to me and that should be important to you.” The tone of her voice has gone down, faded to cold steel.

“Why didn’t you just tell me?” Anya’s voice has dropped too, low and almost sad.

Lexa’s heart clenches in her chest as she avoids her sister’s eyeline. “Do you understand what I’m saying?” She says instead.

“Have you fallen in love with her?” Anya is still staring at her as Lexa avoids meeting her gaze. She doesn’t even think that saying yes to that will help. She feels like there’s no point in being here anymore. She’s still angry, she can feel it in the way she’s shaking.

“Clarke is my friend, and you’re going to have to accept that.” When she meets Anya’s gaze again she doesn’t know what her sister is thinking, but she thinks Anya knows the answer to the question she had asked, because Lexa knows it’s written all over her damn face, no matter how angry she is.

“ _Lexa_ -” Anya goes to protest her voice changing tones immediately, but Lexa has heard enough. She steps past her sister and pulls the dorm room door open too harshly that it nearly slams into the wall, stepping out of it and rushing down the hallway. She’s set to meet Clarke at the hill, this has gone a lot worse than she had expected, she can’t take much more of this. “Lexa, stop!” Anya calls after her but she doesn’t bother listening.

She just _has_ to get to Clarke.

 

***

 

She’s marginally more pissed off than she expected to be by the time she’s stomped her way all the way up the hill. Even if seeing Clarke, standing at the edge of the hill, turning just right in the wind to look at her, sets a sort of calming feeling inside of her bones. She’s still pissed off. Pissed off because she isn’t sure that her sister will actually put her first when it comes to Clarke here, pissed because there isn’t anything she can do about the reputation Anya’s friends had hung-over Clarke’s head. Pissed because she hates fighting with her sister, more often than not she prefers to be her rock, she hates that this situation has to be different.

She won’t choose between them, she won’t.

“What’s wrong with you, grumpy pants?” Clarke teases light heartedly, looking absolutely beautiful as she steps away from the edge of the hill right as Lexa stomps her way up to her, a whole lot closer than she was expecting to advance when she finally arrived. She’s just feeling… _irritated_ with how the whole situation today has unraveled, completely out of her hands and she wants to control something, at least. Do something right.

“Can I ask you something?” Lexa says instead of acknowledging her comment.

Clarke’s eyebrow perks up at that. “Yes?” She asks steadily, ocean blue eyes examining her own and shifting across every contour of Lexa’s face that she can see without shifting from her position, which happens to be quite literally, nearly on top of Lexa.

It’s Lexa’s fault they’re so close, she should have stopped before she was nearly skimming her nose against Clarke’s but for some reason, she advanced far too close very fast. Clarke however, was not backing up. She often didn’t when Lexa was close to her. If Lexa really thinks about it, it’s no surprise that they’re close together at all. They all but gravitate to each other as much as possible, maybe since the moment they met.

“I want to kiss her.” She says determinedly, eyes dropping to Clarke’s mouth before she can stop herself. “No fancy moves, no special flirting. I just want to kiss.” When she moves her eyes back up to Clarke’s blue ones, she’s not surprised to see that she seems to understand this time that maybe Lexa isn’t talking about anyone but her. Even if she somehow is managing to make herself doubt it, last night, there was no mistaking who Lexa is always talking about.

Clarke must know.

The only way Clarke wouldn’t understand now, is if she really doesn’t want too. “Do you want me to…” Clarke takes in a deep breath like she’s nervous, Lexa doesn’t see her let it out. “Show you?” Her eyes twinkle a little bit. Ever since last night, Clarke’s eyes have held more emotion in them than they have throughout the whole time they’ve known each other.

Lexa thinks that’s a good thing, but she doesn’t have time to focus on that right now. “If you want to.” And Clarke seems to know what Lexa is really saying. It’s her asking, in different words, it’s her asking.

“You want to kiss her, so show her you want to kiss her. No more moves and games, just honesty.” Clarke grabs her hips gently and pulls her closer, if that’s even possible. Their bodies blend together, and it feels the same as it does when they’re lying together in bed, wrapped around each other like they’re already a couple.

Lexa can’t breathe.

Clarke’s hands slip from the firm place on her hips to wrap around her lower back, lifting her t-shirt to lightly graze the skin. Lexa shivers, melting into Clarke’s movements, following Clarke’s eyes and then the movement of her mouth when she bothers to speak. “When was the last time you kissed somebody?” Clarke is breathing heavier the closer they get to the inevitable moment that Lexa hasn’t stopped thinking about for months.

Lexa swallows harshly, forcing her eyes back up to Clarke’s. She thinks Clarke already knows the answer to that, having had a similar conversation awhile back. She answers anyway. “Not for a long time.” She doesn’t fully recognize her voice when it leaves her. It’s become normal for Clarke to affect her this way that she doesn’t even flinch to the weird low tone of it.

“Maybe you need some practice than?” Clarke breathes out quietly, almost so quiet that Lexa misses it. Maybe she afraid of saying it, but all it does is fuel the fire of determination inside of Lexa’s gut, despite the nerves. She lets her hands glide up, sliding along Clarke’s neck, gripping just enough to pull her so close that her lips are nearly skimming Lexa’s.

“Maybe I do.” She agrees, too quietly she thinks, maybe Clarke doesn’t even hear it. But she’s not pulling back, eyes looking as if they want to fall shut but she doesn’t know if she should let them, if Lexa will actually close the distance or if it should be her to do it.

Lexa decides that they’ve both waited long enough for this.

She only lets one more moment pass before she finally closes the minuscule distance left between them and she can finally feel Clarke’s lips press to her own, very lightly at first, almost feather like, barely there. Testing.

It takes all of two seconds for that to change into something a lot more intense. Lexa’s hands slip into Clarke’s hair just as Clarke turns her head just right and the kiss deepens quickly, Clarke barely brushing her bottom lip with the tip of her tongue, making Lexa exhale softly into her mouth.

She’s admittedly only kissed one other girl before Clarke, and that was admittedly a few years ago. But she doubts that if she had kissed a hundred girls in the few years that she’s been available to kissing girls that any of them would ever feel like this. If she was made to kiss anyone at all in her lifetime, it had to be Clarke Griffin. There’s no way it would feel like this if she wasn’t made to do this with her.

Clarke’s tongue brushes more firmly against Lexa’s bottom lip this time and Lexa thinks her knees would buckle if Clarke wasn’t holding her so tightly. She opens her mouth for Clarke, hears the blonde moan when she dips her tongue in Lexa’s mouth, and Lexa is shaking, actually shaking for reasons way beyond anger as she grips Clarke’s hair tightly to keep her close, so close because she doesn’t want to part. She could kiss Clarke forever, she wants to kiss Clarke forever.

She tastes nothing like her smell of vanilla and cinnamon. It’s more like mint toothpaste and milk chocolate candy and something else, something Lexa can’t name but she knows that no one else would taste this way, that only Clarke could, the taste so distinct that it belongs specifically to her and she never wants to forget it.

She thinks air is her only enemy in this moment because her lungs burn desperately for it, causing her to back up from Clarke long enough to take in a gasp of air. Clarke doesn’t let her part for long, chasing after her lips, skimming her nose against Lexa’s as she changes the angle again and then they’re kissing more. More intense, not slow at all as Clarke’s hands roam the skin of Lexa’s back, her tongue brushing with Lexa’s gently until she’s pulling Lexa’s bottom lip between her teeth.

Lexa’s still shaking as she chases kiss after kiss. She isn’t sure when they moved back far enough for Lexa’s lower back to bang lightly into the bench, she had no idea they were moving at all, so wrapped up in the taste of Clarke’s mouth and the feel of her kisses, the buzz in her veins strong and distracting, tingling in her stomach, twisting her gut and making her heart pound so hard she’s not sure it’ll stay in her chest for much longer. Clarke’s hands have started to roam as Lexa leans against the bench behind her for support, though her hands remain in Clarke’s hair, shaking, maybe she’s too afraid to move them. She doesn’t want Clarke to pull away if she does.

Lexa doesn’t know how long they kiss and kiss and kiss each other until neither one of them can breathe and little gasping breathes between more desperate kisses are no longer enough air to sustain consciousness. Any longer and Lexa’s sure she’ll pass out, her blood warm and her focus fuzzy and Clarke must feel the same because she’s soon resting her head against Lexa’s, breathing deeply in and out.

When Lexa opens her eyes, Clarke is still breathing just as deeply, though her eyes remain shut. She wants to kiss her some more, but she doesn’t. She waits because things are definitely changing after this… well, they might. She doesn’t really know what’s going to happen from here. All she can think about is the feel of Clarke’s mouth and how her lips still tingle from her kisses, the softness of Clarke’s lips and the sounds she makes when Lexa is kissing her just as passionately back.

She wonders if Clarke’s body is singing the same song Lexa’s is.

When Clarke does open her eyes, they burn bright like the sun. Always like the sun and Lexa doesn’t bother moving her hands from her hair, only brushing through the strands, letting her fingers tangle through the softness of them. She wants to say something, but she can feel her throat close up tightly with emotion that she’s trying hard not to spill too soon. One step at a time, now that they seem to be taking steps at all.

Clarke licks her lips, backs up a millimeter that Lexa immediately wants to close. Her eyes still sparkling, bright and on fire and so fucking beautiful. Clarke takes another step back from her, hands falling away as they both breath heavily, still catching the air they were missing from being attached to each other for so long.

Lexa would panic about Clarke backing away from her if she wasn’t looking at her like she hung the moon and the stars in the sky. Clarke isn’t backing up because she’s about to take off down the hill or because she doesn’t want to be kissing her. Clarke is studying her but also seems to be taking her in, almost as if she’s seeing her for the first time. Clarke is thinking and studying and maybe she’s having a really hard time resisting the urge to draw because her left hand is twitching the way it often does when her eyebrows knit together like they’re doing right now.

Clarke is so beautiful that she doesn’t even have to be kissing her for Lexa to lose her breath.

It seems like she’s going to say something, her lips part like she’s about to speak and Lexa waits for it. Anything. She’s nervous, she doesn’t know what’s going to happen after this. She’s afraid of it even. But just as she thinks words are going to come from Clarke’s lips, all that actually comes out is a soft laugh, a light giggle and then a wide beautiful smile before she’s closing the distance between them again and kissing her again and Lexa falls into it easily.

She’ll never breathe again if it means Clarke will never stop kissing her.

 

***

 

Clarke’s legs were draped over Lexa’s lap as the pad rests in her own lap while she hunches over it, a slight more determinedly than she ever has before. Lexa figured she’d drown in a drawing when she got to it, her left hand was twitching even when it was on her skin while they were kissing.

_They were kissing._ The thought makes Lexa smile like an idiot and she’s only briefly glad Clarke is so engrossed in her drawing that she doesn’t witness it.

Lexa didn’t mind. She only traced the little scar on Clarke’s left knee while she watched her, choosing her to stare at over the sunset. She used to think that a sunset was the most mesmerizing thing in the world, the only thing she could never get enough of when it came to look at it… she didn’t know Clarke when she thought that.

“How focused are you on a scale from one to you’ll push me off the bench if I talk?” Lexa teases lightly after a moment, just to see the slight wrinkle in Clarke’s eyebrows as she pulls herself out of her own head long enough to listen to what she has to say.

She looks up after a moment and Lexa expects to see a slight eyeroll, maybe a teasing smirk, but Clarke only greets her gaze with a wide grin and those beautiful twinkling eyes. “You can talk all you want gorgeous; your voice helps me focus.” Clarke’s eyes drop to her mouth for a brief second before they’re dropping back down to the drawing again.

Lexa blushes heavily and moves her gaze down to watch her own movement, tracing Clarke’s scar, because she thinks if she continues to stare at Clarke, she may toss her drawing to the side to kiss her some more and Clarke probably wouldn’t be happy about the tossing of her drawing part… she might not mind the kissing… at least Lexa hopes.

“I don’t think you really needed practice at all.” Clarke mumbles nearly under her breath but Lexa manages to catch it, glancing back up at Clarke as she’s hunching over her art again.

“Why?” She asks with a slight frown.

Clarke’s lips twitch up in another blindingly beautiful grin. “Because you’re really good at it.” She’s even blushing slightly as she says it, cheeks pinker than she thinks she’s ever witnessed from Clarke before, and she’s seen her blush a few times now.

Lexa shakes her head, still blushing herself when she touches Clarke hand to get her attention from her drawing. “Clarke… _my sister_.” Maybe she shouldn’t bring this up, maybe she should let them stew in their bubble longer before she allows the outside world back in.

Clarke frowns for a moment, looking up from her drawing with a furrow to her brows as she studies her. “Lex,” She shakes her head slightly and Lexa doesn’t know what she’s thinking but she’s going to say what she should say anyways.

“She’s… she’s just. I promise I’m not going to let her treat you unfairly anymore. I tried to talk to her, I don’t know what’s going to happen but I’m going to make it better.” She grips Clarke’s hand as the blonde chuckles, bright eyed and looking at her as if she can’t believe her but Lexa is determined, she’s determined to make it better the same way she has been before. The game is just different now.

Clarke sighs slightly. “Lexa, our dynamic, we’ve never really got along and that’s okay. I’m sure we’ll figure it out, I would… I’ll do anything for you.” Clarke licks her lips before setting her drawing aside, pulling her legs from Lexa’s lap so she can slip closer to Lexa’s face. She brushes her fingertips through the side of Lexa’s hair, caressing her ear in the way Lexa is sure Clarke knows she likes by now. “It’s not your job to fix this. Or make us get along. Your only job is to be you. It’s both mine and Anya’s job to set aside out differences for you.” Clarke’s eyes are large and sympathetic and Lexa’s heart aches and feels too big to fit inside of her.

Lexa feels sad as she thinks about what Clarke has said. She knows it’s not that easy, she knows she has more responsibility, especially more than Clarke expects she does. “She knows now, she doesn’t like it.” She admits quietly and shakes her head.

“I should have asked you before I came over the other day. I should have asked to meet somewhere I just… I wasn’t thinking clearly, I’m sorry.” Clarke’s sincere apology makes Lexa’s heart hurt and she feels a slight sting of guilt because Clarke doesn’t have anything to apologize for. This is Lexa’s fault that this has become such a mess. She should have just been honest from the beginning. If she had, maybe things would be working out differently.

“No, it’s okay. I’ve wanted to tell her for a while I just…” Lexa looks down as she tangles her hands in her lap, clasping them together to keep them from shaking again.

Clarke seems to sense that she’s having a hard time working through what she’s trying to say and how she’s trying to explain it. “You’re important to me, and I bet you’re also important to her. Even if we have nothing else in common, which I’m pretty sure we don’t. That’s one huge important thing we do have in common. I mean, that’s if you want our worlds to collide in this way.” Clarke’s left hand reaches over and she drops it on top of Lexa’s hands that are still clasped together. Her palm is warm and comforting and Lexa is surprised that the simple touch calms her down so much.

Lexa frowns slightly. “What do you mean if I want? Hasn’t it always been inevitable?” When she meets Clarke’s eyeline the blonde blushes again, she wonders if kissing Clarke had somehow unlocked her blushing habits.

Clarke shrugs. “I sort of thought so, but it’s easy to keep the part of your life that’s with me and the part of your life that’s with her separated.” She squeezes Lexa’s clasped hands before her touch falls away somewhat reluctantly.

Lexa lets out a heavy breath and unclasps her hands. “I came here to take care of her.” She admits quietly.

Clarke’s brows furrow slightly. “What do you mean?”

“It’s…” Lexa sighs softly, shaking her head. “I will have to explain more later. But I came here to help her with some things and this feud, I would like to help you guys resolve it.” She looks at Clarke’s face, stares into her eyes and is surprised that the longer she looks the less agitated she feels.

Clarke smiles, warm and soft and beautiful. “Lexa, that’s not your responsibility.”

Lexa puffs out her cheeks, letting out a heavy breath. “I know, but it’s important to me.” She mumbles honestly, quietly as Clarke continues to stare at her in the way, with the emotion in her eyes and the blue still burning her.

Clarke chuckles. “Could we say important enough times?”

Lexa’s smile grows at that, a small giggle leaving her. She shakes her head. “No.”

“Well, what’s important to you is important to me, I did just say that, right?” Clarke tangles her fingers through the side of Lexa’s hair again. “I don’t want you to worry so much about this. I’m sure it’s going to be difficult but… I’ll do anything for you, and I kind of bet your sister will too.” Clarke’s voice is soft and soothing. Lexa could drown in it.

“I hope she will.” Lexa admits vulnerably and looks away as the words leave her mouth. She isn’t sure she actually believes that.

Clarke’s fingers glide across Lexa’s jawline, tipping her chin in her direction and Lexa stops breathing again. “She will.” The blonde tells her quietly, determined and strong and Lexa’s heart starts beating heavily, her eyes drop to Clarke’s mouth before she can help it.

“You’re awfully positive about this.” She says without even looking up.

Clarke starts to smirk at her. “I’m awfully positive when it comes to you.” Clarke’s eyes sparkle into her own when Lexa finally lifts her gaze again and she feels her heart stutter. “I have to finish my drawing, but do you want to get dinner with me after this?” Clarke’s fingers are still delicately brushing along her jaw, there to comfort and touch her.

Lexa’s going to pretend that, that’s Clarke asking her on a date… perhaps it is. Lexa is still unsure where they fully stand together. They haven’t actually talked about it. Kissing until they nearly pass out isn’t really talking at all. “Yeah, where do you want to go?” Clarke’s touch falls away when she agrees, and she backs up a bit to grab at her drawing.

The blonde shrugs. “I don’t know, as long as I’m with you, I don’t care.”

Lexa’s heart rate spikes up abruptly. “Hurry, I’m starving.” She smiles warmly at Clarke and watches as the blonde chuckles before hunching over her drawing again.

 

***

 

They hold hands as they walk down the hill. Lexa had grabbed her hand not long after Clarke had finished packing up her art supplies. Clarke swung their hands between them as they walked. It was silent but not uncomfortable. Lexa thinks she should say something about the shift, about the kiss but she doesn’t exactly.

She isn’t sure what to say that might be saying too much. And really, she just doesn’t want to ruin these moments with bringing anymore over-emotional feelings into their bubble. “Lexa.” Clarke clears her throat, almost nervously and it alerts Lexa enough to lift her head to meet her eyes, though Clarke isn’t looking at her. Instead she is looking straight ahead, and when they meet the end of the hill she tugs on Lexa’s hand, so she stops walking.

When she finally meets her eyes, she isn’t sure what Clarke is thinking. The look in her eyes isn’t fully readable but she doubts it’s a bad thing. Clarke has done nothing but look at her the same way Lexa looks at sunsets. “I just want you to know, that if you ever… um…” Clarke clears her throat. “Need to practice some more, I mean, I would be okay with that.” Clarke blinks at her, almost too much and Lexa’s heart squeezes slightly in her chest.

Perhaps Clarke isn’t as worried about talking about it as Lexa is. She smiles slightly. “I could probably use some more lessons.” She teases lightly, a smile splitting open on her face before she can stop it and Clarke seems to return it with twinkling beautiful eyes.

Clarke blushes, chuckling slightly as she shakes her head. Her hand squeezes around Lexa’s. “What are friends for?” When Clarke meets her eyes again, looking back up from where she had cast them at the ground after Lexa’s comment there’s something soft in her eyes.

Lexa wants to tell her that she thinks she might kind of hate the word “ _friends_ ”.

Instead, she only shakes her head. “Come on, I’m starving.” She squeezes Clarke’s hand back and tugs her forward though Lexa feels herself being tugged back into the blonde’s arms, pulling Lexa flush against her once again and Lexa feels her heart stutter as Clarke cups her face in her hands, she melts into her touch, the brush of her fingers and then Clarke is tugging on the back of her neck and they’re kissing again, gently, slower than before and it’s really quite fast, faster than Lexa wants before Clarke is pulling back.

“What did you want to eat?” Clarke mumbles against her mouth and Lexa feels a shiver travel down her spine and her brain fogs over. She wraps her arms around Clarke to keep herself steady.

She brushes her nose along Clarke’s gently and affectionately. “Pizza?”

Clarke giggles. “You always want pizza, I think you might have a problem.”

Lexa frowns and backs up from her slightly. “How dare you.” She states seriously, and Clarke laughs as she tangles her arms around her neck.

“We can get pizza, but maybe you’ll let me cook for you sometime?” Clarke’s grinning at her warmly and Lexa feels her heart stutter again. She isn’t quite sure what’s happening, but she does know that she doesn’t want to put a stop to it.

She grins. “Yeah, that would be nice.” She tightens her grip around Clarke. She’s almost afraid she’s dreaming, that this isn’t actually happening and it’s a cruel joke her own head as concocted up for her.

But then Clarke is leaning in again and pecking her lips and Lexa’s stomach flips and she knows this is real. “Okay, let’s go get pizza.”

 

***

 

Clarke had asked her to stay over again but Lexa insisted that she needed to get an assignment done, well, mostly because she actually did. After forgetting about it she’s unprepared for the deadline and she needs to put that first before she continues to spend the rest of her time with Clarke.

Clarke makes it really easy to forget everything.

She’s barely thinking of her assignment at all when she finally enters her dorm room again, and even the sight of her roommate can’t really bring her down, despite her being mad as hell at Costia for running off to Anya before Lexa got to her. She had kissed Clarke, and right now, that fact was going to keep her high in the sky.

She had kissed Clarke a lot, many times. Over and over that Lexa could still feel her on her lips, still taste her even. It was different than it ever was in her dreams, better than she thought it would be. She wants to do it again, and that’s about all she’s thinking about when she falls onto her bed.

Costia must realize that she’s not in the mood to talk, and at least she respects that because she doesn’t. She leaves Lexa alone and Lexa is glad for it. She doesn’t want anyone to ruin this feeling, this moment. Clarke and her kisses and her touches and her smell and her beautiful eyes. Lexa didn’t even realize that love would ever feel like this before. She had no idea it was even possible to feel like this. She kind of thought she never could.

She smiles, despite herself, despite the obstacles she still has to overcome, despite the mess she has to pick up with her sister. Despite all the odds she still smiles because nothing, absolutely nothing can ruin her mood right now. She can’t imagine that anything could right after kissing Clarke, over and over and over.

She nearly giggles as she turns over on her bed to cuddle into one of her pillows. She really needs to do that assignment, but she can’t stop thinking about it, about her. Always on her mind, consistently, even when she’s busy, just there, buzzing in the back of her skull. She wonders what Clarke thinks, what she’s thinking now, how she’s feeling now.

She hopes it’s at least half of what Lexa is feeling.

 

 

Lexa falls asleep halfway through her assignment. The only reason she wakes up a few hours later to finish it comes in the form of her cellphone chirping loudly on the bed. She’s stiff from the awkward position she had fallen asleep in, slumping against the wall with her laptop still in her lap, half the paper typed up and still open.

She groans slightly, rubs her neck, and reaches for her phone that’s still ringing. Normally she’d worry about waking Costia up, but when she glances over to check on her she’s not there. She wonders where she went? Perhaps she’s avoiding Lexa, she doesn’t know. The situation in and of itself is kind of a mess.

When she checks the caller I.D. she no longer hesitates about picking it up, answering it immediately. “Aden, are you alright?” She asks with slight concern in her tone.

Her brother answers, in his normal calm and clipped tone and she sighs with relief at that. “Yeah, you didn’t call last week.”

“Oh,” Lexa allows her heart rate to calm down a bit. “Buddy it’s late, I’m sorry, can I call you back in a few hours?” She licks at her lower lip as she rubs at her eyes sleepily, trying to wake herself up enough to finish this conversation with her brother and be able to finish this important assignment.

“Oh right, I forgot about that.” Aden sounds disappointed and Lexa’s heart does a small squeeze of guilt.

“It’s okay, are you doing alright?” She asks anyway, even though she really doesn’t have the time to talk right now. She knows her brother misses her and Anya. He’s there, by himself, in a situation that isn’t the greatest.

“Yeah. Mom and dad are still fighting all the time.” He says with a soft sigh. “They can’t agree on anything anymore. They don’t even try and hide it from me like they used too. I miss you.” His voice is small and tired, and Lexa feels her heart plummet a bit.

She frowns and pushes her laptop off her lap to stand from her bed and stretch. “I’m sorry Aden.” She mumbles quietly, realizing that she wishes she could be in two places at once.

She fights a yawn but is unsuccessful as Aden responds. “Not your fault, they were fighting when you were still here.” The boy sighs heavily in her ear.

“I know, but I’m still sorry I’m not there with you.” She mumbles soft and honest.

“It’s okay, Anya needs you more than I do. I can handle it.” He says bravely and Lexa’s heart lurches slightly in her chest. She does love her brother.

“She’s been better since I got here. Less panic attacks, she’s even a bit happier… I’m helping her the best I can.” She frowns a little as she says that. She isn’t sure what’s going to happen with Clarke, she can only hope that Clarke’s positivity on the situation is well placed.

“Do you think I can come and see you guys soon?” Aden asks after a moment of silence.

Lexa smiles as she sits down on the side of her bed. “I’m going to try and drag Anya home with me, you know how hard its been for her to connect to mom and dad lately.”

“I know.” Aden sighs heavily and she hears a crunch on his side, but she doesn’t know what he’s doing or even where he is right now. “Well… do you have a girlfriend yet?”

Lexa blushes despite herself and a small laugh escapes her. She smiles bigger when she hears Aden’s returned laughter. “I… maybe.” She mumbles as she thinks about Clarke and her kisses and her touch and the way she always manages to somehow get pizza sauce on her face. Maybe she only does it so Lexa will lean over and wipe it off. Aden woops in her ear.

“Go Lex,” He teases and Lexa chuckles shaking her head even though she knows he can’t see her.

“I’ve really got to get some sleep, I’ll call you back okay? As soon as I wake up.” She promises, thoughts of Clarke still foggy in her head and sleep still edging into the corner of her eyes as she rubs at them again.

“Alright, sorry for waking you.” Aden mumbles quietly into the phone.

“Don’t be, it’s okay. You know you can call me at any time.” She feels a smile tug at her lips along with the feeling of missing her brother.

“I know, I love you Lexa.”

“I love you too bud.” With that they hang up and Lexa feels a little lighter at having talked to her brother. She hopes that he’s really doing okay and not just putting on a brave face for her, as he normally tries to do and has done many times before. She wonders if he would like Clarke… she hopes that maybe she can bring him out to visit and he can meet her… if Clarke would like that too, that is.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have some more backstory. *throws it at you*

“You’re not letting me focus at all.” Clarke playfully snaps as Lexa bats her eyelashes at her innocently. She brushes her fingers through her hair slowly as Clarke watches.

“What do you mean?” She asks relatively innocently.

Clarke narrows her blue eyes at her. “Stop being cute.”

Lexa bats her eyelashes again and moves closer to Clarke. “I’m not doing anything.” Clarke rolls her eyes and Lexa slips her fingers through blonde strands of hair, playing with the ends when Clarke looks back down at her notebook.

“Lex,” Clarke drops her pencil. “I’m trying to be a responsible student.” The smirk on her mouth makes it hard for Lexa to really take her seriously… and the fact that she knows Clarke doesn’t really need to study.

“I heard your plenty responsible with your grades.” Lexa is surprised she’s actually bringing this up. She didn’t think she would, for fear of how Clarke would take it. But things have been slowly changing between them and though she doesn’t want to interrupt the gradual progress, she kind of wants Clarke to know that she knows that Clarke doesn’t need tutoring at all.

“Hmm?” Clarke perks an eyebrow up at her curiously as she tries to figure out what that statement means. Lexa thinks she’s going to have to explain but Clarke’s eyes actually widen before she opens her mouth again. “Who told you that? Raven? I will kill her, I actually will.” Clarke slams her book shut and seems to be preparing to leave and hunt down Raven, but Lexa doesn’t want her to go and grabs her wrist gently as she moves to stand up.

She tugs gently on her wrist and Clarke looks at her, eyes still a bit wider than normal and Lexa thinks she’s panicked for absolutely no reason. “Stay.” She tugs her down and Clarke seems to obey. “It’s okay. I don’t mind.” She tells her instead as a soft blush seems to rush across Clarke’s cheekbones.

“I um, I just like, to uh, study.” Clarke winces when she says it because it’s a clear lie and Lexa can’t help the slight chuckle that escapes her. If there’s one thing in the world Clarke seems to hate, it’s probably studying.

She decides that of all things to pretend about, to put some kind of a façade over for the sake of being delicate with each other, this doesn’t have to be one of those things. “I like spending time with you too.” She tells her boldly, with her heart beginning to race. She thinks it’s risky to say but she doesn’t exactly know why. She just knows she doesn’t want what’s happening between them to stop. She wants it to grow.

Clarke takes in a deep breath and looks into Lexa’s eyes; the panic leaves them and a gentle smile blossoms on her mouth. She reaches up to brush her fingers against Lexa’s cheek and through the side of her hair, much in the same fashion Lexa has grown used to and there is a comfort in this moment like no other.

Another acknowledgement that what’s happening between them isn’t just something friends do together. That they both feel this, even if they haven’t fully said it out loud. _Baby steps_ is the words that run through Lexa’s head and she’s willing to follow the flow if it’ll make Clarke the most comfortable with her.

“Lexa,” They both jump apart like they’ve been doing something wrong. Anya’s voice cuts them both like a knife.

When Lexa looks at her, her sister isn’t even looking at Clarke, just her. But she doesn’t look angry or upset like Lexa had expected the next time she saw her, especially if Anya had seen her with Clarke.

Clarke shifts uncomfortably beside her and looks back down at her notebook. “Can we talk for a second?” She says stoically, and Lexa nearly lets out a heavy sigh, but she doesn’t. Instead she just gives her sister a shallow nod, touches Clarke’s arm to silently communicate that she’ll be back soon and stands up to follow her sister to the library exit.

She doesn’t say anything until the library door closes behind Lexa. “I’m sorry.” Is the first thing she says, and Lexa is surprised by it.

She looks at her sister with clear indication that she did not expect her to say that. “What?” She says with a slightly higher pitched tone then normal, the straightened posture she managed to find herself in during uncomfortable encounters fades.

“I’m sorry, you’re-” Anya pushes a hand through her hair, often something she does when she’s nervous. “I don’t really like it but you’re right, that doesn’t matter. You matter.” Anya blinks a moment and looks down at her shoes. “I’m sorry.” She says even softer.

Lexa steps forward. “Hey, it’s okay.” She mumbles gently, tangles fingers through her sister’s hair and then pulls her into a hug when Anya looks up at her and appears to be crying slightly. Anya doesn’t usually cry in front of her.

“I really am. I… I’ll have to get used to it and I will I promise. I love you.”

“I love you too.” Lexa squeezes her slightly before releasing her and watches as Anya brushes under her eyes to rid the little amount of tears she let escape.

“I don’t want you to ever think that you can’t come to me. I… didn’t act right. I was wrong but I’m your sister. I want to be here for you and if you and Clarke are-” Anya gulps a moment. “Are friends or something more I want to hear that from you, you can tell me.” Anya’s tone is gentle but firm to get her point across. Her eyes watery but serious and revealing her emotions.

Lexa nods her head. “Okay. I’m sorry I wasn’t the one to tell you.” Because she really is sorry Anya didn’t hear it from her first. She’s still pissed at Costia for that one.

“I can understand why you didn’t. I’m going to do better, I need to, not just for you.” Anya gives her a self-deprecating smile.

Lexa returns it. “Okay. Maybe you can tell me what actually happened to cause this feud, later?” She questions with a slight raise of her eyebrow.

Anya sighs a little bit. “Yeah.” She glances behind Lexa and grows a little stiff. “She’s waiting for you.” Her voice is still a lot softer than she would normally have it at seeing Clarke behind her. She thinks that’s a good thing.

Lexa looks behind her to see Clarke by the door but not exiting. She looks slightly concerned and Lexa’s heart is leaping to her on its own accord. “Let me just go say goodbye to her and we’ll go see a movie or something?” She turns her head back to her sister, giving her a questioning look.

Anya shakes her head. “No, it’s okay. We can do that later you should-”

Lexa interrupts her sister gently. “It’s fine. I want to hang out with you right now.” Anya nods her head.

“Okay, only if you want to. I’m okay if you want to be with Clarke. I know you have feelings for her.” Anya touches Lexa’s upper arm slightly with a teasing smile gracing her mouth.

Lexa blushes slightly and rolls her eyes. “Shut up.”

Anya laughs, actually laughs and it makes Lexa feel warm with hope. “Go, she looks like she’s getting antsy.” Anya motions in her direction with her head.

Lexa chuckles as she glances back at her again and Clarke seems to wave. “I’ll be right back.” She tells Anya gently and watches her sister give her a shallow nod before turning around and heading back inside to Clarke.

The door shuts softly behind her and Clarke approaches her quickly. “Are you okay?” She asks gently, her hand reaching up to trace her face again as if she’d be able to feel any distress in Lexa that way and be able to heal whatever possible damage that could have been done from the conversation.

Lexa smiles warmly at her and leans into her touch. “Yeah, I’m okay. She apologized. I said I would hang out with her for a while.”

Clarke smiles at her. “Okay, so we’re not hiding this anymore?” Clarke motions between the both of them and Lexa can feel a laugh bubble up in her chest before it escapes her in a slight chuckle. She tries to ignore the part of her that hopes that Clarke motioning between them and calling it _‘this’_ is a clear indication to something more than just friends.

“No, we don’t. She wants to support me, like you said.” Lexa smiles at her again, big, and Clarke smiles back. Lexa loves feeling like her smiles are contagious. No one has ever made her feel this good.

“So, I guess I’ll see you later than?” Clarke’s eyes glitter with slight hope and something else, that something else that has been there since throwing paint in her office room.

Lexa nods. “Of course.” She leans forward to press a gentle kiss to the corner of Clarke’s mouth and the blonde sighs slightly. She feels the puff of her breath against her right cheek as she slowly backs away from her.

Clarke’s eyes glue to her mouth when she backs up far enough for her to see them and the half lidded look she’s giving her makes Lexa want to break her rule of letting Clarke lead the next kiss. If she wasn’t in a library full of people and her sister wasn’t outside, she’d probably break that new rule she made for herself.

“Text me.” Clarke says, her voice lower than normal and it turns Lexa’s stomach.

“Okay.” She brushes her fingertips against Clarke’s cheek before slowly parting from her. A smile slowly graces Clarke’s face again and she waves Lexa goodbye as she exits the door.

Lexa almost goes back and kisses her anyway.

 

***

 

Somehow hanging out with Anya leads to a get together with some of Anya’s other friends, mostly because they want to hang out and though Anya had said they don’t have to do that Lexa insisted that it would be fine. She forgot that Costia was a part of that group and she was relatively mad at her still. Costia knew that by the way Lexa avoided speaking to her for the last few days.

She must have known she was wrong, because she’s apologized a few times and keeps restocking the minifridge with Lexa’s favorite Gatorade. Lexa thinks she should maybe let her off the hook, since everything seems like it’s going to be okay. But she should probably talk to her first and make sure Costia knows what she did wasn’t okay.

She’ll worry about that later.

“Are you sure this is okay? We can do something else, I know your not really comfortable with them.” Anya gently lays a hand on Lexa’s upper right arm in a comforting motion and Lexa feels her heart tug slightly.

Why is Anya trying to take care of her so much? Maybe its her way of showing she’s sorry rather than just saying it. “It’s okay, I promise.” She smiles warmly at her sister to comfort her and watches how it seems to relax her slightly.

“Okay, but anytime you want to leave, we’ll leave.” Lexa nods to show that she understands, and Anya returns her smile.

Dinner is fairly uneventful, Lexa sticks close with her sister who often pulls her into conversation separate from the rest of Anya’s friends and Lexa doesn’t mind that. She’s not interested in talking to the people that have damaged Clarke’s reputation so severely. She’s having a hard time holding her anger in whenever she looks at one of them.

All it takes though, is a brief glance at Anya and she calms down. She’s hopeful that Anya is really actually sorry, will be better with her, and even with Clarke. And she hopes that whatever feud that’s been between them, will finally be able to find some kind of resolution. Just as soon as Anya tells her how it really started.

She texts Clarke halfway through the dinner to complain about the amount of people she’s suddenly forced to be around but includes that she’s somewhat okay with it as long as she’s with her sister. Though she’s still going to complain about it and Clarke calls her dramatic.

By the end of the night her and Anya break off away from everybody to go to the movies like Lexa had suggested and they pick something funny because they think they could both use the mood booster.

It’s while they’re watching trailers for other movies that Anya decides to bring up Clarke again. “You said you wanted to know about the feud?” She says with the quiet enveloping the theater. There’s only a few other people catching this viewing. Normally at night it’s more packed but Anya always makes sure to see something that’s been in the theater for awhile if they see something at night, just to make Lexa more comfortable.

Lexa looks at her carefully. “Yeah?”

Anya takes in a deep breath and holds it for a second before letting it out fairly slowly. She keeps staring at the screen ahead of her instead of looking at Lexa when she decides to speak. “She’s a loud roommate and she has strange sleeping habits. It wasn’t a feud then. She just annoyed me because she was up at night and didn’t know how to be quiet.” Anya shakes her head slightly at the memory.

Lexa furrows her eyebrows together. “I asked a few times for her to try and be quiet, maybe I didn’t ask nice, I should have been better about it.” Anya shrugs. “I think I upset her and she complained to one of her friends, I don’t remember which one but apparently they knew the people that ran who sleeps where and they decided to move me after that into a single in the room across from her.” Anya frowns. “She apologized but I… overreacted maybe.” Anya looks sheepish when she says that part. “I guess I thought she did it on purpose. I wanted her to be quiet, but I didn’t want to move rooms. I wanted the experience of living in a dorm with someone else.” Anya shrugs. “I would have been fine to change roommates if she had talked to me about it, but I thought she just got me forcibly kicked out and moved.”

Anya lets out another heavy sigh as Lexa listens. “Raven told me that’s not what happened. I think I should have listened to her when she came to apologize but I didn’t. You know how I get when I’m upset.” Anya is frowning as she looks down at her hands in her lap, fingers fiddling together.

Lexa nods. “I know.”

“I think it was, not very long later that Niylah started to go out with her. I found that really annoying because I saw Clarke as someone who got me kicked out without even talking to me about it. So we weren’t on good terms then. Niylah said it was just fun or something like that, I don’t know. I didn’t really get involved much and then Niylah told me that Clarke was horrible to her and I guess I just believed it because Niylah is my friend and Clarke was the girl who kicked me out of my dorm room.” Anya’s hands tighten together, seizing the fiddling.

“You don’t believe Niylah anymore?” Lexa asks curiously.

Anya shakes her head. “I maybe should have told you this sooner but I’ve been hanging out with Raven a lot. She’s um… pretty great and she told me some things, got really mad at me actually, we fought, and I haven’t spoken to her since and I-” Anya’s voice cracks a little. “And then you came over and I fought with you too and-” Anya blinks. “I started thinking about things a bit differently, I think I messed things up too much with Raven though.”

“I didn’t know you fought with her, did you apologize?” Lexa is engrossed in her sister’s story, hardly paying attention to the dimming of the lights around them and the different sounds that accompany multiple logos before the movie starts.

“I…” Anya nods and swallows roughly. “A few times, I think I messed up.” She can tell her sister is upset about it even though she doesn’t let it reflect much in her eyes or even her tone which somehow manages to sound neutral.

“You can fix it. Try again.” She encourages her lightly with a slight nudge.

Anya nods again. “Anyways I just… it’s all so stupid when you look at it. And I’ve been wrong a lot and I’m going to be better.” She’s firm when she says it again, with a shallow head nod to accompany it.

Lexa smiles slightly at her sister, glad she’s opening up to her about this, placing her worry for Raven in the back of her mind. She’ll have to see her later and make sure she’s okay. If Anya’s upset, she’s no doubt Raven is as well. “You want the feud to be over?”

“Yes.” Anya nods her head. “For you, for Raven and for us.”

“All of the rumors?”

“About Clarke? That’s… not actually really my fault but I didn’t do much to stop them. I saw them as true, what my friends were telling me, what other girls would say. So,” Anya shrugs. “It just all got out of hand I guess. I wish… I wish I had handled everything better.”

She places her palm over her sister’s tightly held together hands. “It’s okay, there’s always time to make things right.” She mumbles softly, under the tone of the movie’s loud beginning.

“I promise, I’m going to try.” Lexa pushes the arm of the chair between them up, so she can pull her sister into a tight hug.

“I believe you and I forgive you.” She says gently, and Anya hugs her back. When they pull apart Lexa grins at her widely. “Now let’s discuss a plan for you to get Raven back.”

Anya rolls her watery eyes but nods her head.

 

***

 

It’s been a rather eventful day.

That’s what she decides as she walks back to her dorm room, slowly down the sidewalk to spend some time with herself and hash over all the new information she’s received. She does believe her sister, though she thinks Anya still has a lot to prove… at least, she just has to prove that she means what she says. And she can do that by winning Raven back and maybe even apologizing to Clarke or doing her best to start getting along with her and getting a handle on her crazy friends.

She isn’t sure what’s going to happen from here forward, but she has a good feeling, a good feeling that things are going to be okay. Maybe she will invite her brother soon, after Anya has fixed things with Raven that is. It would do him good to see her so happy, she doesn’t feel good knowing he’s there by himself having to deal with her parents constant arguing.

She hopes Raven is alright as well, she didn’t know they had fought. Raven never said anything to her and maybe it was just because Lexa hadn’t been looking for it, but she seemed fine at breakfast.

The ping of her phone distracts her from her thoughts and she pulls it from her pocket, smiling big when she sees Clarke’s name.

 **Clarke (8:42 P.M.):** Are you done with Anya?

 **Lexa (8:42 P.M.):** Can’t last a day without me, can you? :P

 **Clarke (8:43 P.M.):** I can too!

 **Clarke (8:43 P.M.):** But come over maybe?

Lexa lets out a soft chuckle, thinking that the smile on her face is starting to hurt. She’s not used to smiling this much. She almost isn’t sure what to do with the emotion itself, outside of being slightly fearful of it.

 **Lexa (8:44 P.M.):** More late-night painting?

She sends, turning away from the way to her dorm room to walk in the direction of Clarke’s apartment. She’s unworried about packing a bag anymore. Clarke now has two chargers in her room, she bought an extra, Lexa isn’t sure when, and she knows she’ll just end up in that big sweater that as Griffin curved on the front of it. She never minds, she likes the way Clarke looks at her when she’s wearing it.

Plus, she’s kind of getting addicted to the smell of Clarke’s shampoo, whether that’s using it on her own hair or smelling it while she falls asleep next to Clarke.

 **Clarke (8:44 P.M.):** No, the bed is too big without you.

 **Clarke (8:45 P.M.):** you keep bad dreams away

Lexa’s heart flips in her chest and she’s smiling even wider.

 **Lexa (8:45 P.M.):** I’ll be there soon.

 

***

 

Clarke is waiting for her outside of the door when Lexa arrives and the blonde smiles big at the sight of her. She pulls her into a hug that’s way more sensual than it should be in the middle of the hallway and kisses the corner of Lexa’s mouth in greeting before turning around to open the door to her apartment. Lexa fights the urge to touch her face where Clarke’s lips had been like a lovesick teenager.

Her heart is beating fast and erratic in her chest and feels too big to fit. She wonders if this is permanent. The way they’re acting as much as the erratic beat her heart always sets pace in. “I know it’s early to go to bed, that wasn’t the full truth. Raven’s in a mood so she’s been in her room all day and I thought maybe we could coax her out with snacks and a board game. She loves winning in board games and trust me, she always wins.” Clarke rolls her eyes at that fact, but her smile remains, big and so fucking beautiful that Lexa can’t keep her eyes from it.

She wonders what has placed Clarke in such a good mood tonight. She’s so relaxed in much a way Clarke rarely is. “I think I might know what her problem is.” Lexa says honestly as the door to the apartment clicks shut behind her. She carefully follows behind Clarke toward the kitchen, eyes dropping to her backside in the jeans she’s wearing.

She blinks and looks at the back of her head when she hears Clarke’s voice again. “Oh, do you?” Clarke raises an eyebrow in her direction as she turns just slightly to toss a look over her shoulder. “You guys are getting very buddy, buddy.” She says skeptically, and Lexa’s eyes drop to the slight smile still on her mouth before she’s looking away from her again.

Lexa contemplates over the option of continuing to follow Clarke to the kitchen or possibly dragging Clarke away for more privacy, just so she can feel her mouth again.

Lexa snorts as she leans against the counter in the kitchen beside Clarke as the blonde peers over some recyclable friendly bags. “I think Raven should probably tell you, but her favorite snacks and board games are probably a good idea too.” She shrugs, still smiling too big as well. It was unsurprising that her smile was uncontrollable. Clarke holds these emotions over her and she knew at this point that there was nothing she could do about that. She wasn’t sure she’d want to even if she could control it.

“How dare she tell you instead of me? She’s replacing me?” Clarke scoffs playfully and starts sifting through the bags. They’re full of things Raven probably loves and Clarke starts unpacking them onto the counter.

“I didn’t hear it from Raven directly, so no, she’s not replacing you.” Lexa chuckles as Clarke shoots her a curious glance.

“I got some things for you too.” Clarke seems to focus through one green bag, pushing things aside before she grabs what she wants. “Including this flower.” Clarke shies away from meeting Lexa’s eyes, almost as if she’s embarrassed when she hands over the single rose. It’s actually adorable and Lexa can feel her own face heating up with the action behind the simple gesture.

“Thank you.” She says rather calmly for how crazy her heart is beating.

Clarke looks up at her after a moment, maybe after she thinks she’s schooled her expression somewhat, but Lexa must be looking at her in that way that she knows she often looks at her because Clarke’s face only reddens again. “You like it?” She nearly whispers and Lexa’s heart swells. She steps forward, just a little bit, to be just a tad bit closer.

“I do.” She states simply and even the tips of Clarke’s ears turn pink.

“You’re welcome.” Clarke mumbles shyly as Lexa holds the flower close to her chest.

“Okay you two, don’t start making out yet I’m here to get some water and I don’t want to see that.” Raven shouts loudly as she enters the room, covering her eyes as if to hide from something explicit. It embarrasses Lexa, her face growing slightly hot as she looks away from Raven and down at the small rose Clarke had offered her, bought for her. She smells it and smiles a little.

“Ugh, you’re an idiot.” Clarke grumbles at her and tosses her a bag of what must be Raven’s favorite chips because after she’s done squeaking as it hits her, she shoots Clarke a large grin as she snatches it up from the floor.

Raven looks gratefully surprised. “Awe, you bought me food.”

“I literally always buy you food.” Clarke adds with another eye roll.

“But these are my favorite, what’s the special occasion? Did you and Lexa finally bang and your just in a good mood?” Lexa’s face flames even hotter at that and she sets the rose on the counter careful not to hurt it just so she has an excuse to turn away from the two, hopefully so they don’t see how red she’s become. Her hair curtains in the way so that they can’t see her and she’s thankful for that.

“I’m going to take everything back if you keep doing that.” Clarke grumbles at her and judging by her scoff that Lexa hears, Raven’s probably making some kind of obnoxious gesture, but Lexa is too embarrassed to look up and see herself. “Actually, asshole, I wanted to make you smile. I haven’t seen it in a few days. I invited Lexa to take Octavia’s place for a few board games since you vetoed two-person board game playing.” Clarke brushes her fingertips down Lexa’s arm and Lexa looks up from the rose to see her.

“Needs to be three for the right amount of competition. That’s cool, I’m in.” Raven pulls the bag of chips open and pops one into her mouth, chewing appreciatively. “Awe, did you buy Lexa a flower?” Raven peers over the counter at the small rose lying on the counter, Lexa’s left hand still touching the green stem.

“Shut up.” Clarke glares at her as Lexa lets her hair curtain in front of her face again to hide her blush.

“You want to pick the board game Lex?” Raven asks, chewing through another chip.

Lexa lifts her head again, blush still visible and shakes her head. “No, that’s okay. You pick.” She offers Raven a soft, maybe slightly sympathetic smile and searches for answers to how she might be feeling, how Anya and her fighting may have affected her, but she finds nothing. Raven is fairly good at hiding her emotions… or maybe she’s just not as upset as Anya thinks she is.

“Alright, you lovebirds set up. I’ll grab the games.” Raven goes to leave but she stops at the exit of the kitchen and turns to Lexa. “Lex, how’s your sister?”

Lexa gives Raven another reassuring smile… _There it is_. “She’s… sorry.” Lexa decides on and Raven furrows her brows together before looking away from her and stepping past the threshold of the kitchen, possibly in search of the board games while she thinks it over.

“What was that about?” Clarke asks after a moment and when Lexa looks at her she can’t help but smile at the cute furrow of her brows. She lets her fingers brush over the crinkle, feeling it smooth out under her touch.

“I’ll let Raven tell you that too.” She mumbles gently.

“This isn’t fair, when did you and Raven start sharing secrets?” Clarke crosses her arms along her chest and pouts slightly, but it’s playful. The smile is in her eyes and Lexa can’t look away from them. Just another moment that she wishes she could paint.

“Afraid I’m gonna steal your woman Griffin?” Raven peeks her head around the corner with a wide grin and Clarke shoots a hand out and wraps it around Lexa’s waist, pulling the brunette’s body into her like she’s protecting her. Raven only seems to laugh at that, tossing her head back and disappearing again.

“Let’s put this in water.” Lexa says instead of acknowledging the protective hold Clarke suddenly has on her, as if she really is afraid of someone coming along and taking Lexa’s attention away from her.

She picks up the small rose by the stem, smells it again and then grins wide enough at Clarke that the blonde is grinning just as big back. “Okay.” She says gently but seems to only mold herself closer to Lexa instead of separating from her long enough to put the flower in water like Lexa had suggested.

Lexa lets her eyes roam around the different features of Clarke’s face, settling on her mouth after a while to just gaze at lips she’d very much like to feel on her own again. She stops herself from leaning forward when she moves an inch, hoping to not have been caught in the attempted action but Clarke seemed to realize what she was doing and seemed not to mind. Her arms squeeze around her waist and then she moves forward as well.

Clarke’s careful breath puffing against Lexa’s plump lips has her head spinning before Raven is around the corner to shout that she’s found the games they should play, interrupting their slight moment and making Clarke grumbles under her breath as she releases her hold on Lexa. “Here’s a glass.” Clarke mumbles shyly, a gentle blush on her face as she leans up and pulls a glass from a cupboard before offering it to Lexa who takes it.

Lexa takes the opportunity to drop a kiss on Clarke’s cheek as she grabs it from her hand, brushing their fingers before she walks off to the sink to put some water in it and place the flower carefully in it, removing it from the plastic it had come in.

Clarke gives a slight chuckle before grabbing two green bags and walking out of the room. Lexa can’t help but feel immensely happy about today. She knows that what’s happening between her and Clarke is good. She knows it’ll unravel at its own pace and she also knows that she can’t wait to find out where this goes.

 

***

 

Lexa is starting to think that the moment Clarke isn’t in the bed anymore, when she knows she’s fallen asleep beside her, has become more effective than an alarm clock. When she’s half awake, pulling herself out of dreams and reaching for Clarke, the bedsheets are still warm though they remain empty, as if she hadn’t been gone for very long before Lexa awoke enough to understand. She grumbles when she realizes that Clarke isn’t there, feeling cold despite the blankets warmly tucked around her.

She’s not a very dependent person, but she’s starting to become quite dependent on Clarke being her live teddy bear while she sleeps. It’s becoming incredibly hard to sleep without her and that’s just a fact that Lexa hadn’t predicted out of all of this. She knows she’s addicted to her presences, their hill dates, and study sessions that lack the proper amount of studying. She knows she loves spending time with her, as many moments in a day as she can. She hadn’t expected to also be addicted to Clarke even in her sleep as well.

She tosses and turns for a moment, trying to will herself back to sleep for awhile but she can’t seem to do it, and eventually gives up, climbing out of the bed with the comforter wrapped around her body as she trails out Clarke’s bedroom door looking for her.

She spends a few minutes just staring into the empty living room, remains of board game pieces and empty contents of snacks around the area. They had played well into the night, all three too tired to do much cleaning up after. She rubs the sleep out of her eyes before she notices the half open sliding glass door that leads onto the balcony. She knows Clarke likes drawing the sunrise, and with her sleeping problems why would today be no different?

So, Lexa moves forward toward the sliding glass door and pushes it further open as she peeks out. But Clarke isn’t drawing this morning. Instead she’s staring out at the sky, a mug in her hands and a look that’s really serious and beautiful with her hair all over the place. It takes the blonde only seconds to realize that Lexa is there, whipping her head to the left to meet Lexa’s sleepy questioning gaze.

“Did I wake you when I left?” She asks softly, and in the quiet morning it’s easy to hear. “Come here,” She coaxes Lexa over with a slight wave of her hand and Lexa can’t help that it works easily, propelling her forward quickly because the sooner she can be near Clarke the better. She’s really quite addicted to her presences. She still doesn’t know if that’s a good thing or not either.

She makes it next to her and goes to sit in the chair beside her, but Clarke seems to have other plans in mind, gently grabbing Lexa’s hand to tug her closer before placing both palms on her waist and urging her into her lap carefully. Lexa is tired enough to barely question the action but awake enough to thoroughly enjoy the closeness.

Clarke _knows_.

She doesn’t bother worrying about how an action like this might be perceived, she doesn’t bother fretting over misunderstandings. Instead she just snuggles into Clarke, laying her head on the blonde’s shoulder as Clarke wraps her arms loosely around her, keeping her close. Clarke’s blonde hair tickles Lexa’s cheek whenever the wind picks up just a little, but Lexa doesn’t bother moving to itch it.

She stays as close as Clarke will let her and breathes her in every once in a while. She knows her heart has betrayed her when it comes to trying to be casual about the situation, and that Clarke can probably hear it, or feel it somehow with how close they are, but that’s just another thing she can’t really bring herself to care about while Clarke holds her so closely.

She closes her eyes and tries to snuggle closer, Clarke helps keep her warm by tugging the blanket over her every time it seems to slip and they just sit there, for a long time they just sit there, together. Clarke watches the sunrise and Lexa idles absently in and out of sleep, nearly falling only to wake up to a horn on the street at a random moment or a bird fluttering by, singing.

She doesn’t mind, she’d rather be awake in this reality more than anything else right now. “Lexa,” Clarke seems to question lightly, and Lexa lets her eyes flutter open though she finds that Clarke isn’t looking at her. She’s still staring off at the sunrise so very seriously, the same exact look that had been on her face when Lexa first peeked out at her.

She snuggles into Clarke a moment, brushing her nose along Clarke’s jawline to show that she’s listening. “Lexa do you think I…” Clarke trails off and seems to tighten her hold on her, almost like she’s trying to protect her, but Lexa can’t figure out what from. “Do you think that I should try relationships again?” Her tone is a bit off when she says it, slightly shaky and raspy and almost vulnerable.

Lexa pulls her head up and away from Clarke to look at her properly and waits to answer until the blonde is turning her head enough to meet her gaze. She looks terrified. It’s the first time that Lexa has ever seen her look this afraid. So, she does what she does best and tries to comfort her, brushing her fingertips across Clarke’s cheek and melting a little when the blonde’s eyes fall shut and she leans into the touch. “Only if you want too.” Lexa allows herself to say, even if she wants to scream _yes_.

It doesn’t matter what she wants, not for something like this that has nothing to do with her, not completely anyway. It matters what Clarke wants, what Clarke might need, and Raven has always said Clarke needs her time. So, when Clarke decides she is ready to speak of the way they are acting towards each other, to confirm it into something more serious. Than that’s when they’ll do it. No matter the obstacles.

“I think I do.” Clarke answers after a while, voice still shaky, eyes still wide enough when she’s looking at Lexa that the brunette knows she’s still terrified.

“If it’s what you want, then you should do it.” Lexa smiles gently at her and watches the corners of Clarke’s mouth turn up slightly.

Clarke weaves a hand under the blanket to brush her palm across the top of Lexa’s thigh, and she tries not to shiver in Clarke’s arms at the touch, but she knows she fails, because she can’t really help it. “You know what else I want.” Clarke’s smile grows slowly, soft and warm and a bit easier than it had been before, less afraid though Lexa isn’t sure that the afraid part is ever over.

Lexa is sure she can understand being afraid, if Clarke feels the same way about her that she feels for Clarke, afraid is an emotion that can’t be fought. “What?” Lexa’s voice is a bit rough around the edges, she’ll have to get some water soon.

Clarke’s thumb brushes across the skin on her thigh, back and forth very lightly before leaving her warm skin and moving to her face to brush along what Lexa thinks are Clarke’s favorite details to draw by now. She moves closer to her, her face close and Lexa’s eyes, out of habit, drop to her mouth.

Clarke’s smile is warm enough that Lexa forgets about any remaining breeze outside.

“I want to paint you.” She states happily and grins when Lexa chuckles. Lexa moves her arms out of the blanket to brush lightly through Clarke’s matted blonde mess of hair and leans forward to kiss the corner of her mouth gently.

She’d like to kiss her, but she’s still letting Clarke lead the next kiss this time. “Okay.” She answers and that makes Clarke happier, nodding her head with twinkling blue eyes before they move back to the sunset.

“We’ll finish watching this first.” She states, and Lexa agrees. She kisses the corner of her mouth one last time before snuggling back into her and fixing the blanket so that she can stay warm. Clarke hums lightly under her breath and Lexa listens, eyes fluttering shut to the smooth soft melody of her voice.

There’s nothing Clarke can’t do.

 

***

 

God she’s nervous, more nervous than she’s ever been in her entire life. Whose bright idea was this?

_Oh yeah, mine._

Lexa glares at herself in the mirror and thinks about changing her mind. Maybe this is way too forward, after all, Clarke didn’t really go for the towel thing… she did kiss her back though. And she really does intend on letting Clarke paint her, she just… wanted to see if the same thing would happen again.

Maybe this is wrong? No… artists draw far more risky things than a girl in only a bedsheet. Far riskier and it’s never a problem… Clarke’s shown her some of her own… graphic drawings and they’re quite good. Lexa in a bedsheet is nothing compared to those. This would be okay, she just must stop shaking and just do it. Just go out there and sit on the stool that Clarke already set up and ooze confidence… even if… that’s something she struggles with around Clarke.

 _Confidence_.

She can do this, she just needs to access her inner regal leader or… something like that anyways.

Lexa takes in a long deep breath, holding it a moment as she straightens her posture. She tilts her head up in the mirror and stares at herself, giving herself one last once over and affirmative head nod before walking out of the bathroom door carefully, keeping the sheet perfectly around her. It’s a dark red satin color, Clarke can’t see through it, so it can’t be that provocative and well… if Clarke doesn’t like it she’ll just tell her that… _hopefully_.

_Hopefully Clarke likes it._

Clarke isn’t looking in her direction when she enters the office carefully, clicking the door shut softly behind her because nobody else that comes home later needs to see her in a bed sheet, this is only for Clarke.

Lexa lets her eyes slip down the blonde’s curvy body, resting a moment on her backside before looking away and stepping more carefully into the room, toward the stool that’s already been set up for her.

She isn’t looking at Clarke apparently when Clarke finally looks at her because the next thing she hears is a small gasp, then a crash and then a raspy “god damn it,” coming from her favorite blonde. Lexa whips her head up in Clarke’s direction to look at her and she’s bent down to pick up a liter of brushes that must have been in her hands.

Lexa thinks that dropping things after looking at her is probably a good sign, at least she hopes so anyways.

“You okay? Is this okay?” Lexa hates that her voice does not ooze the confidence she was going for. She thinks maybe she’ll have to speak very little if she wants to keep up this regal image, as she normally does just fine looking intimidating until she’s speaking to Clarke.

The blonde glances to her, glances down her body, then glances away and then back at her again. She seems to be a little panicked, like she isn’t fully sure what to do and it’s making Lexa regret her decision. She shouldn’t have done this, this was stupid.

She just getting ready to run out and pull back on some clothing when Clarke looks at her again a lot calmer than before and swallows. She nods her head once before turning around. “Yes, it’s… it’s _okay_.” Her voice is different, low and raspy and it makes Lexa shiver and shift, licking at her lower lip nervously.

“Are you sure?” Lexa asks carefully, and Clarke turns back around after setting the brushes she had dropped back on the table she had originally been going for.

She steps up to Lexa slowly and she can’t help but notice how much darker her eyes have gotten. That must be a good sign… _right?_ Clarke stops an inch away from her. “I promise you, this is fine.” Clarke’s hand is shaking when she reaches out to skim her fingers across a naked collarbone and Lexa tries to rein in the shiver she feels travel down her spine at the blonde’s touch on her bare skin.

She lets out a shaky breath and Clarke’s eyes move from following her fingers to meet her own again. “Was… trying to be a good model.” She really must reframe from talking because it ruins the confident façade she’s going for. Instead she sounds like a nervous aroused mess… well, she is both those things but that’s not what she wants to portray.

“You are a perfect model, gorgeous.” Clarke touches her face gently. “May I adjust you?”

Lexa nods and Clarke smiles at her, but it’s a different kind of smile when her eyes are so very dark. She brushes her thumb across Lexa’s bottom lip before removing her hands and guiding Lexa to sit on the stool. She adjusts the bedsheet differently and tells her to hold it to her chest because Clarke wants to see her back, turning Lexa around a bit and having her turn her head to the side. “Your side profile is gorgeous, and so is this tattoo that I’ve never seen before.” Clarke mumbles with a slightly hoarse voice, touch gliding down her bare back to follow the ink.

Lexa can’t hold back her shiver this time, she’s sure Clarke can feel it running down her spine. “Thank you,” she mumbles quietly, breathy as her voice is cracking in places it probably shouldn’t. Clarke seems to notice but it only makes her gaze darker, which sets off a fire in Lexa’s stomach that settles between her legs in a low throb.

This may have been a bad idea for lots of other reasons.

She licks at her lower lip and keeps her posture straight, missing Clarke’s warm touch when it falls away. “Tell me when you start to cramp up and we’ll take a break. I know this position is a bit awkward to sit in for hours.”

With the sheet wrapped around her waist just right and held to her chest in a specific way, the only thing Clarke can actually see the most of is Lexa’s bare back and her long leg she adjusted around the stool just right. She even swept Lexa’s long hair to the side and over her shoulder, so it was mostly out of the way, messing it up a little to look as if she may have been in bed.

Lexa throbs at the implication.

She isn’t sure she’ll make it through this painting without leaping on top of Clarke, and she’s averagely had brilliant control over her own libido before. But then again, before she didn’t know Clarke, Clarke has always affected her differently, since the moment they met.

She spends a long time in this position. She can barely see Clarke except for the corner of her eye and her neck starts to cramp up from the way it’s turned about ten minutes in, but she wants to be good for Clarke, wants to please her so she says nothing and keeps the position for as long as she thinks she can bare it.

About an hour later Clarke asks her if she’s alright and she goes to say yes but she can feel the stiffness in her muscles and her neck is starting to throb about as much as the area between her legs and she’s even a bit cold… she wonders if Clarke will add goosebumps to her skin. She’s done things like that before. Adding as many tiny details to Lexa’s skin in her drawings as she possibly could. Her eyes were always very detailed in all her drawings, different specks of color instead of settling on only a few. Clarke loved detail but than again Lexa assumes that’s something that helps make her such a talented artist.

They take a break, Clarke cooks for her, rubs her neck after Lexa’s climbed into her sweater and a pair of shorts again and they watch a few episodes of Parks and Recreation, mostly because Lexa loves to hear Clarke’s laugh every time they watch it. She’s not much for the show herself but it makes Clarke so happy and really, when Clarke is happy Lexa is happy.

She’s well aware of the way that Clarke’s hands seem possessive over her thighs as she keeps her legs over her lap, well aware of the way Clarke encourages Lexa’s head to rest on her shoulder while they watch TV for awhile and slowly brushes her thumb across her skin.

She’s well aware that every time Clarke brushes a kiss against skin, or mumbles something in her ear, it turns her stomach in dangerous and fiery ways. She’s about ready to devour Clarke when they go back to the painting, Lexa stripping out of clothes nearly in front of Clarke this time and wrapping the sheet around herself the way Clarke had done before, re-adjusting until she’s sitting back in the same position. She thinks Clarke only comes over to skim her bare back again and so that she can drive Lexa even crazier with whispering “good girl,” in her ear just so the goosebumps come back on Lexa’s skin rather than re-adjusting her.

She’s breathing heavier than normal and tries to control herself, squeezes her thighs together the best she can in her position to get some minor relief, so she doesn’t jump Clarke’s bones suddenly or unexpectedly. She’s pretty sure she’s being tortured by the time Clarke seems to finish for the evening and says, “all done for now baby girl.”

She thinks if this causes her death, it would be a good way to go.

It’s about 4:30 in the evening when they stop, and Lexa is holding the sheet around herself to not reveal anything when she stands from the stool, turning around to meet Clarke’s eyes that are already on her. Still so dark, pupils wide enough to nearly swallow all the blue, leaving only a thin ring. Her heart skyrockets and she nearly stumbles across the small space of the office to get closer to her. She needs to feel her, to smell her, to hold her and taste her.

She _needs_ it.

But just as she’s trying to move to her, at a much slower pace then she’d like, Clarke’s phone goes off on the table with all the brushes on it and the blonde allows her eyes to shut, head falling back with a small groan escaping her.

Lexa can’t help the slight chuckle when the blonde whips around and snaps her phone up, face puckering up at the screen as she checks the caller ID. “It’s my mom.” She lets out a heavy sigh. “This will probably be awhile.” She seems to pout heavily at that and Lexa steps across the room so she’s closer to Clarke.

She grins slightly at her and hopes the nervousness and awkwardly beating heart doesn’t affect the confidence she wants to show in it. “I’ll wait for you.” She says with plenty of implication and watches the way it somehow makes Clarke’s gaze darker. She isn’t sure how much darker those eyes can get but she really wants to find out.

The blonde’s eyes drop to her mouth, stare at it for almost longer than the phone can ring before she snaps out of it to answer it, pulling the device to her ear with an annoyed “Hello?” escaping past her lips.

Lexa chuckles a bit, hoping her implication of waiting was taken correctly and slips out of the room after grabbing her clothes to give Clarke some privacy with her mom. Just in case her desires were not picked up upon, which she’s sure is impossible, she slips back into Clarke’s sweater that’s basically hers now and pulls back on her shorts, ignoring the throb between her legs.

She can wait for a phone call to be over, she’s not that desperate.

 

***

 

When Clarke enters her room she looks severely disappointed, her mood had plummeted tenfold and instead of being concerned about the own needs of her body, she’s only concerned about what a phone call with her mother could have possibly done to her good mood so quickly because she _was_ in one.

Humming throughout painting and while she’s cooking, using more terms of endearment and Lexa wasn’t the only one eye fucking today. Clarke’s smiles were bigger and brighter, and her laugh had a lightness to it that Lexa isn’t used to hearing. She loves that she’s brought this mood out of her, loves being the cause because Lexa isn’t naive, she knows she’s at least partly the reason, and to think that someone has crashed down on that good mood she’s put Clarke in highly annoys her.

So she’s up from the bed where she had been texting her sister while she waited, to step into Clarke’s space and stare at her with slight concern. “Everything alright?” She mumbles gently and reaches out to touch her but doesn’t instead, letting her hands fall back at her sides.

Clarke decides that she’d like contact, stepping to close the distance between their bodies and wrapping her arms firmly around Lexa’s waist to tug her against her more tightly. “Yes, my mom wants to have dinner. She never knows how to schedule things in advance.” Clarke glowers at that and Lexa frowns because dinner sets her plans for the evening back as well.

Those plans were all about Clarke. She was ready to wrap herself up in her for days and stay there, memorize the feel of her skin and the sounds she might make, and the steadying breaths and the smell of her body and the taste of every inch. She was aching for it, but of course there must be some kind of obstacle to that.

Lexa guides her arms up and drapes them across Clarke’s shoulders, crossing one wrist over the other behind Clarke. “How long do dinners with your mother normally take?” Lexa asks with a roughness to her tone that doesn’t go unnoticed by Clarke’s dark eyes. Her touch tightens, and she wonders if Clarke is thinking about all the same things Lexa hasn’t been able to stop thinking about since sitting down for the painting.

Clarke giggles at that. “I like the way you say mother, it’s cute.” Lexa rolls her eyes but smiles anyway. “I don’t know, this one will probably be long because she wants to talk about the wedding… I may have said… that I was bringing a date.” Clarke looks away almost sheepishly and Lexa frowns a moment.

“Oh?” She asks carefully.

“I may have also indicated that I have a girlfriend and now she wants to meet her.” Clarke bats her eyes innocently up at her and Lexa’s heart leaps into her mouth. She can feel the nerves building rapidly as the one singular word echoes in her head along with a million questions attached… or really, just one very important question.

_Does she mean it?_

She blinks a moment at Clarke, taking the information in. “ _Girlfriend_?” The word comes out in almost a high-pitched squeak and she scolds herself for asking in such a way. She needs to get a handle on her own emotions so as not to cause Clarke to misunderstand.

Clarke backs up from her slightly to look at her better. “Only like you know like so she doesn’t try and set me up with Bellamy again.” Clarke mumbles out quickly, her hold still tight as she seems to try and explain herself, but Lexa can’t really hear whatever excuse she’s conjuring up. She knows the excuse is important because the fact that Clarke needs one is placing them a bit further back than Lexa was hopeful for at the sound of the word, but she can’t get Clarke’s voice saying it out of her head.

_Does she want this?_

“Who’s Bellamy?” Lexa asks with a frown after a short quiet moment, her mind racing and that word bouncing off every inch of her skull.

“Oh, he’s my childhood friend.” Clarke rolls her eyes. “My mom’s been obsessed with this idea we’d end up together. It’s absolutely ridiculous.” Lexa thinks her hold gets more possessive for some reason. “You think… you’d want to go with me and… _play_ girlfriend?” Clarke bites her lip almost as if she’s nervous and Lexa isn’t sure she knows of which girlfriend Clarke wants.

Does she want Lexa to be her real girlfriend or does she just want Lexa to play girlfriend for one night? She isn’t sure, perhaps she should be, perhaps its her own insecurities that tell her that Clarke is only asking for something pretend, when really, she isn’t at all. Perhaps she’s hoping too much that Clarke is asking for something real.

She will have to ask. “I’ll do it.” She says before she can stop herself… or she’ll just go with the flow and see what happens.

 

***

 

“So, Lexa, what do you study?” She met Abby ten minutes ago… ten _long_ minutes ago. She wasn’t expecting things to be so incredibly… _weird_. She was not expecting Clarke’s mom to be so… not at all like Clarke. She didn’t even resemble her much, maybe sometimes when she furrowed her eyebrows but even that wasn’t that much similar. It’s upon that observation that Lexa figures Clarke must look more like her father and aches a little at the thought that she will never get to meet him.

“Lexa’s an Art History major.” Clarke speaks up for her after the silence extends almost too long. Abby doesn’t make her nervous particularly as the situation makes her feel awkward and Lexa’s shy, she’s always been shy and jumping into a dinner with a woman who seems so withdrawn in such a crowded restaurant has set her slightly on edge. She tries to fight it, for Clarke, but she can feel the need to flee entering through each limb.

Lexa nods her head. “I’m thinking about… changing though.” She pulls her glass to her mouth to gulp down water through her dry throat and bounces her leg to will herself to calm down. She’s only having an incredibly awkward dinner with Clarke’s mother, and Clarke is beside her, that should help.

She wants to bolt every time a waiter passes their table with another group of people to seat, twice she’s been brushed barely, lightly by a stranger and she hates that feeling, wiping off each touch like their energy has left a physical presence on her skin.

“You are?” Clarke’s voice is curious and soft beside her and when Lexa turns her head to look at her she silently lets herself drown in curious blue eyes for a moment longer than normal. It helps her feel calm and the bouncing of her leg stops as she finds some solace in deep blue eyes.

“I was in pre-law.” She turned her gaze back to Abby because Abby had been the one to ask and it’s polite to look and answer someone when they ask you a question. She reminds herself of this like it’s possible for her to forget as her leg starts bouncing again. “I transferred.”

“Why did you transfer? Law sounds like a… sturdy profession.” Abby says firmly, her voice is never soft like Clarke’s is when she speaks to her. It’s always hard and guarded and Lexa can’t blame the woman, after all, she knows nothing about Lexa besides the fact that she’s supposedly dating her daughter. Lexa would be weary too. That doesn’t make her nervous, that just makes this awkward.

Clarke huffs heavily beside her and Lexa can feel her mood dampen every time she looks away from her and at her mother. “Not this again.” Clarke’s tone is almost hard and Lexa’s knee jerk reaction is to reach for her and comfort her, but she reframes from it. Clarke had told her to “practice” some of her learned moves on Clarke but she can’t imagine doing anything like that in front of Clarke’s mother.

Abby is scarily calm, she looks at her daughter almost as if she’s bored. “What Clarke?”

“You do this every dinner. Can we not go one night where you don’t find some way to devalue my art?” Lexa can tell Clarke’s annoyed by the way her hand suddenly shifts through her hair and blue eyes are suddenly fierce and on fire. She thinks Clarke’s incredibly attractive when she’s annoyed and Lexa doesn’t think that’s quite fair.

“Honey, you know that I love your art.” Abby lets out a sigh. “It’s just not as financially stable as I would have hoped for you.”

Lexa clears her throat as she sees the uncomfortable shift in Clarke. She knows she herself is uncomfortable but the thought of Clarke also being as uncomfortable as her doesn’t sit well with her. She instead adjusts in her chair and lifts her chin in Abby’s direction. “With… um, no disrespect Ms. Griffin-”

“Please, it’s Abby.” The older woman calmly corrects her.

Lexa feels weird calling her that, but she listens anyways. “Abby.” Lexa swallows a moment. “Clarke already sells some of her work at the on-campus Art Gallery. She’s… amazingly talented. I have no worry at all that she won’t do well. I can’t see Clarke doing anything without being successful at it.” What she says she knows she fully believes inside of her heart. Clarke is amazing, almost at anything she does. She’s passionate and full of emotion and always, always, always reminds Lexa of the sun and she’d never go a day in her life without letting Clarke know in some way that she absolutely believes in her without a doubt.

Abby smiles at her a moment, but Lexa doesn’t think it’s a real smile. She thinks she sees her narrow her eyes slightly. “I’m sure your faith is well placed Lexa.” The words don’t sound as nice as they should.

It makes Lexa flinch a little and her palms turn into fists. “It is.” Clarke says and manages to roll her eyes slightly. “Can you stop with the eyes, your freaking her out.” Clarke does sound worried about her and Lexa hopes that everything she said isn’t too much, but she knows she’s missed whatever possible reaction Clarke could have given her already. She’s only annoyed at her mother and seems to be a bit worried about Lexa.

Can Clarke just read her well or is she doing an incredibly bad job at masking how uncomfortable she is?

Abby lets out a slight huff and her emotion breaks for a moment, eyes lighting up with fire and Lexa thinks it’s the first time she’s seen Abby resemble her daughter at all. “I’m not doing anything, I’m just simply getting to know the girl my daughter says she’s dating.” Abby motions to Lexa as if she needs to point her out so Clarke knows what she’s talking about.

Clarke seems incredibly defensive of her, but Lexa doesn’t feel like it’s her exactly that has set her emotions off. “Can you get to know her with a nicer tone?”

“It’s okay Clarke.” Lexa says rather calmly. This dinner just gets worse, she wonders if this is why Clarke’s mood was so terrible after she got off the phone earlier. If her mother is always like this she can understand. She’d take her parents fighting over the dinner table over this any day.

“So, will Lexa be joining you for the wedding or should I call Bellamy?” It’s the first mention of the wedding that Abby has tried to make, and it’s not really about the wedding at all. It’s odd since that was the reason Abby had said she wanted a dinner in the first place. She wonders if it was only an excuse to see her daughter and why she’d need an excuse to use in the first place.

Clarke groans and throws her head back before getting ahold of herself. “Mom, I’m sure Bellamy has his own date.” Lexa thinks her fists tighten when she feels Clarke stiffen next to her.

The silence extends uncomfortably again, and Lexa has all but given up on trying to eat the food on her plate. Another group of strangers pass their table and the little boy gives Lexa a warm smile and says “sorry” as he accidently brushes her.

She still has to wipe at her skin where he touched but it’s better than the other incidents. “How long have you two been dating?” Abby tries again to start another conversation but each question she asks always feels like there’s some test to it.

Lexa can’t keep up and she doesn’t like feeling so anxious. She would have left a long time ago if Clarke weren’t here with her. “Not long.” Clarke answers after Lexa doesn’t.

Abby perks an eyebrow up at her daughter. “I was asking Lexa?”

“I can perfectly answer the question.” The back and forth between Clarke and her mother makes Lexa even more nervous. She’s clearly in the middle of something she shouldn’t be. She should have said no when Clarke had asked, but at the end of the day she thought that maybe this was real… this doesn’t feel so real now.

“A few weeks.” Lexa says after clearing her throat slightly. She just needs to relax. “But we met at the beginning of term.” She explains further and is proud that her voice portrays absolutely no nervousness.

“Lexa was lost.” Clarke says with a warm smile in her direction and some of the tension in Lexa’s shoulders melts, she returns Clarke’s smile.

When Clarke smiles at her like that it does nothing but warm Lexa. “Clarke was helpful.” She lets the fist in her hand go, stretching out her fingers so she can reach for Clarke’s hand on top of the table. She tries to let the nerves of doing this in front of Clarke’s mother go.

Clarke leans closer to her to whisper in your ear. “You’re shaking, are you okay?” She mumbles softly, and Lexa squeezes her hand, giving her a shallow nod.

She hadn’t realized she was shaking but she should have figured she was.

Clarke slides her chair closer to Lexa and the close presences helps relax her more. She decides for the rest of dinner she’ll focus mainly on Clarke and that warm smile she keeps giving her and the feel of Clarke’s hand in her own.

“You seem happy Clarke.” Abby’s tone is finally different, something calmer when she speaks up again. “I’m glad.” Her tone is softer than it had been before and when Lexa does actually look at her again, her gaze is no longer narrowed and suspicious on Lexa.

Clarke brushes her thumb across Lexa’s skin and the brunette turns her head to meet her gaze again. “I am.” Clarke says after Lexa is looking at her and she wonders if Clarke really means it.

She leans forward to kiss the corner of Clarke’s mouth, soft and gentle, because she can.

 

 

“Lexa,” Lexa’s posture straightens before she knows it, meeting Abby’s hard gaze as she steps out of the restaurant, both of them waiting on Clarke to finish up in the bathroom so that they can say their goodbyes and part separate ways. “I just wanted to tell you,” Abby lets out a soft sigh. “Thank you.”

Lexa looks at her a moment in surprise unsure if the words that had come from Abby’s mouth were real. “I’m sorry?” She asks disbelievingly, staring into Abby’s eyes as the woman seems to find her reaction slightly amusing, a smirk appearing across her mouth.

“Clarke, Clarke has been through quite a bit. I haven’t seen her smile like that since… well since her father.” Abby’s smile is suddenly sad. “I didn’t think I would ever see that smile again. You’ve brought it out of her I suppose, and I can’t help but be grateful for that. You seem like a good person Lexa and it was nice meeting you.” Abby offers her hand to Lexa and Lexa feels her heart beginning to race slightly.

She swallows her emotions and offers Abby a shallow nod before shaking her hand. “I only wish to make her happy.” She says honestly, feeling her heart beat pick up in pace again. It’s the truth, the same truth she had muttered at the table when discussing Clarke’s talent and her belief in her.

“You’re doing a fine job of it from what I can tell. I hope to see you at the wedding.” Abby’s tone is a lot lighter than it had been through most of dinner, her smile now warm and not as uncomfortable as it had made Lexa before.

“I’ll be there.” Lexa beams at her and Abby smiles back as she releases her hand.

“You’re not giving her a lecture, are you?” Clarke slipped into Lexa’s side, wrapping her arms around her almost protectively. Lexa pulls Clarke closer and kisses the side of her head. She loves how this feels. She would be lying if she said she didn’t.

“I wasn’t, I was just telling her I was looking forward to seeing her at the wedding. Now give your mother a hug.” Abby opens her arms for her daughter and Clarke parts from Lexa long enough to wrap her mother in an awkward hug.

Abby leaves not long after that, offering Lexa a kind smile as she goes. They walk back to Clarke’s apartment since the restaurant was nearby and the whole time they hold hands, Clarke’s head leaning on Lexa’s shoulders. They don’t say very much, but they don’t need to. Lexa is relaxed enough just walking in the night with Clarke.

She’s actually kind of sad when they’re climbing the stairs to Clarke’s apartment. The walk had been nice and refreshing after such a weird dinner and she had Clarke all to herself. This apartment would break that, bring them back to some kind of reality… well, the reality earlier wasn’t so bad.

She was just enjoying the night. “I don’t think anyone is home.” Clarke says quietly, glancing at Lexa as she leans against the wall beside the door Clarke is unlocking.

She licks at her lower lip in thought and wonders if Clarke is implying anything or just informing Lexa of who would be there when they finally got inside. “No?” She asks carefully and can’t help the way she’s closely watching Clarke’s expressions.

She’s getting better at reading her. “We could finish painting?” Clarke looks at her like she’s not talking about the painting and Lexa’s heart speeds up so fast that she’s sure she couldn’t think about a painting if she tried.

She swallows slightly and if she’s shaking again, it’s for different reasons entirely. “Or we could do something else.” Lexa says carefully, maybe a bit suggestively but nothing too obvious. If Clarke doesn’t want to do that, she doesn’t want to pressure her into it. She wants Clarke to want her as much as she wants Clarke.

“Or we could.” Clarke licks her lips as she pushes the door open and grabs Lexa’s hand again, twining their fingers together and pulling her past the threshold.

She lets Clarke walk her to her room. It’s steady in the apartment, there really is no one home. It’s also completely dark, so when Lexa trips over a random stray shoe and falls into Clarke, she should be unsurprised by it. But she isn’t and the slight yelp that comes with the shock of it echoes off the walls as Clarke catches her, leaning her against her bedroom door and glancing down at the dark ground to glare at the offending object that tried to hurt Lexa.

“I keep telling them to keep their shoes in their room.” Clarke grumbles and backs away from her enough to kick the shoe near the wall and out of the way. Lexa tugs Clarke back to her and sighs slightly when she feels the blonde’s body blend into hers. “Hi.” Clarke whispers in the dark, but she’s close enough for Lexa to see her beautiful face. If she wasn’t busy holding her waist against her she’d reach up to trace the different contours of her face… but she can do that later.

“Hi.” She mumbles back and leans forward slightly, only to gently brush her nose against Clarke’s. She’s still going with the rule she set for herself. She’s letting Clarke decide if she will kiss her again this time. She thinks Clarke is the one that needs this pace, far more than she does.

Her skin is already beginning to warm up and her stomach twists with the anticipation of every possibility. “Gorgeous.” Clarke mumbles as she trails her thumb across Lexa’s bottom lip, her eyes following the action as her other hand curls into the side of Lexa’s hair, carefully brushing the tip of her ear so Lexa shivers beneath her.

Lexa is sure that this pace is going to kill her. Her heart beat is louder than all of Clarke’s whispered words. She leans her forehead against Clarke’s, curls her fingers at Clarke’s lower back, wills herself to not wait and instead ask Clarke so that she can close the distance and kiss the girl she loves just a little bit more.

But she doesn’t. She waits for Clarke because that’s the right thing to do. “Can I kiss you?” Clarke rasps out softly, brushing her lips against Lexa’s but not pressing until she hears her answer and Lexa wants to say _“I thought you’d never ask”_ but she doesn’t.

Lexa wasn’t sure she’d be able to choke out her reply, but a soft “yeah” escapes her in a silent exhale. And then Clarke is kissing her, all warm and gentle and brilliant. It doesn’t take long for Lexa’s head to spin and for her to get lost in it. The brush of Clarke’s tongue across her bottom lip drives her crazy, the silent intake of breath Clarke makes when Lexa opens her mouth for her.

There’s a swirl of emotions and if they were a painting in this moment they’d be an explosion of color. This is so much better than their first kiss and Lexa didn’t think anything could top that. She can feel Clarke’s heart beat moving as erratically as her own since her chest is pressed so close and Clarke’s hands tighten in her hair when she brushes her tongue against Lexa’s.

Her knees feel weak as Clarke presses her more firmly into the door and her fingers curl against Clarke’s back. She moans quietly when Clarke’s teeth pull at her bottom lip and she tries to focus on keeping the pace, on moving slowly, on every breath but she can’t. She’s spinning and lost in every deep emotion she has for this beautiful girl and she shudders against her when her hands start to roam.

She can feel Clarke’s hands shaking when they leave her hair to trail down her body, she can feel how much when her left-hand skates under Lexa’s shirt to brush against the skin of her stomach and Clarke gasps into her mouth. “How dare you.” Clarke backs up from her slightly and dark eyes move to look at her covered stomach. Her touch is light and caressing the abs on her stomach and Lexa whimpers as Clarke is too far from her. “How did I not notice these before?” Clarke asks carefully, voice that low, deep, raspy tone that sets Lexa on fire and turns her stomach just right. Clarke’s hand is tracing her stomach, each indentation of abs that are a lot lighter than they used to be. Lexa thinks they’re fading because she hasn’t been keeping up with her work-out routine like she used too.

Her grip on Clarke tightens. “They’re not as prominent as they used to be.” Her voice is low and shaky and nearly lost when she finds it to speak and Clarke looks like she wants to devour her when they meet eyes again.

Clarke shakes her head and suddenly she’s kissing her again, deep and hungry and the place between Lexa’s legs throbs for her touch, hips pushing into Clarke’s as her own hands roam up and down her back just to touch, clawing under Clarke’s own shirt to feel her soft smooth skin beneath.

They kiss a lot, until air becomes their enemy and Lexa breaks away to gasp in breaths of it, but Clarke just skates her kisses down Lexa’s jawline, nibbling at her earlobe until Lexa whimpers again, fingers digging into skin and Clarke lets out a breathy chuckle as she seems to suck a mark into the skin below her ear.

The ache grows worse, she isn’t sure if the wetness has accumulated over the span of the day or if it’s developed all at once, but she does know that it sits uncomfortably between her legs, ruining her underwear and staining the inside of her thighs. Lexa hopes self-consciously that Clarke can’t smell her.

Clarke nibbles at her neck and Lexa’s hips push into Clarke again. She allows her hands to leave Clarke’s back to comb into Clarke’s long blonde hair and tug back so that she can kiss her again, pouring her need and desire into it, swallowing Clarke’s moan when she feels Lexa’s tongue brush against her own again. She doesn’t think she’ll ever get tired of that noise.

Clarke’s hands keep skating across the planes of her stomach, brushing each contour and indentation of Lexa’s abs that she can reach. Clarke’s mouth still tastes like food and that distinct taste that is only hers and Lexa can’t wait anymore. She wants to drown in this, she needs this the same way she’s needed it all day and is breaking from Clarke’s lips to ask for more.

But something stops her.

This time when Lexa pulls back, and her head falls against the door with a soft thud as she breathes heavily Clarke seems to stare at her in that way she’s been slowly getting used too. And instead of asking for Clarke to take her like she wants to beg for, she asks a different question instead. “What are we doing?”

The question is too much. The question requires a definition and completely obliterates the pace Lexa had been so careful to tiptoe around. It doesn’t matter how low and needy Lexa feels the fear is back in Clarke’s eyes and she seems to think far too hard about the question and Lexa doesn’t want it to ruin the moment. She wants more, she wants Clarke so badly she could scream.

Why had she asked that?

“Practice will help you feel more confident.” But Clarke doesn’t look convinced herself when she says it. She doesn’t even look like she wants to say it. It’s like she only is because it’s a reflex or because it’s somehow some kind of protection for herself, but Lexa doesn’t know why Clarke would need to do that.

She tries to remember Raven’s words about how careful Clarke is, but she can’t figure it out in this moment, the ache between her legs still distracting and the soft thud of her heart demanding much more than she can ask for in her chest. She’s in love with her and if Clarke is not in love with her she doesn’t want this. That’s why she had asked, because she wants Clarke… not just this. She wants everything, and she doesn’t want this if Clarke doesn’t want everything too.

“ _Clarke_ ,”

“We can stop.” Clarke swallows and backs up from her enough that they are no longer touching. The hands that were on her stomach are suddenly gone and twitching at her sides as the furrow in Clarke’s brows indicate that she’s still thinking too hard.

Lexa finds herself confused again, unsure of what Clarke really wants from her. “Clarke,” Lexa finds herself reaching for Clarke’s shaky left hand.

“Do you think,” Clarke’s voice fades out and her voice isn’t that lovely raspy tone Lexa had been hearing before but instead is shaking slightly. She’s fearful but Lexa can’t figure out what she should be so afraid of.

Lexa would never hurt her and maybe she knows that, maybe it’s conditioned fear but Lexa can’t be sure.

“Do you believe any of those rumors Lexa?” Clarke blinks at her and Lexa furrows her own eyebrows as she grips Clarke’s left hand gently and brushes her thumb across skin to try and comfort her.

“Clarke, I don’t care if they’re true or not.” Lexa says simply, and she isn’t sure what the right answer is here, but she doesn’t care. She’s going to answer it honestly and hope that’s enough.

“But Lexa.” Clarke looks down and Lexa pulls herself off the door to step back into the space Clarke had taken from her. “What if some of them are.” Clarke blinks at her and Lexa drops her hand so that she can cup Clarke’s face in her hands.

“I don’t care.” Lexa states firmly and Clarke just blinks at her. “Rumors are never always true, and none of the ones about you are ever fully true because the people who made them don’t know you. Not like I do.” Lexa brushes her thumbs across Clarke’s cheek bones gently and the blonde shuts her eyes a moment to take in her touch. “I don’t care.” She says again, softer and feels Clarke relax slightly.

The blonde’s eyes open and they’re soft and gentle. “I…” Clarke licks her lips. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you.” Clarke whispers gently and Lexa wipes away a tear as it slips out of Clarke’s eye.

She kisses her gently, very, very gently and leans her forehead against hers. “Come on, lets go to bed.” She tells her instead of all the words that threaten to spill across her tongue. Declarations of love that Clarke isn’t ready for. This girl, this beautiful sad girl and Lexa doesn’t care what she herself wants she cares about Clarke. She cares about protecting her and making her happy and loving her.

Up until this moment Lexa had thought Clarke didn’t care about her reputation at all. She was surprisingly very wrong about that. She should have known, who wouldn’t care? So tonight, wouldn’t be the night. Instead tonight would be about making Clarke feel safe with her. Helping each other through a nightly routine they’re both getting used to before they climb into the bed together and tangle limbs over the other.

Clarke surprisingly falls asleep first with her ear over Lexa’s heartbeat and Lexa’s hands tangling through her hair. Lexa’s the one that has trouble sleeping that night, her mind running along different avenues of thought as she thinks of all the different ways she can prove to Clarke that her reputation will never matter to her as well as protecting her from any further damage that could be caused. She’ll have to talk to Anya tomorrow.

This feud has always had to stop, and that time is now.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's a bit shorter but it's relatively angst free and quite fluffy I think. So enjoy it. Next chapter is going to be quite long I'm assuming and if not long, more like a roller-coaster. So enjoy this simplicity.
> 
> P.S. Bet you can't guess what Clarke was dreaming about at the end of this chapter ;)

“Lexa.” She mumbles it in her ear, low and soft and gentle. Her name rolling of her tongue like she’s said it a hundred times before but also like she’s never said it at all. Lexa can only grumble, still sleeping, still lost in her own dreams of Clarke’s skin against her own. She snuggles into the warm body beside her.

Clarke’s fingers skate through her hair, gentle because they have to be, because Lexa’s hair is undoubtably a mess and knotted. She skims her nose against the skin of Clarke’s neck, takes in her scent of vanilla and cinnamon. Mutters under her breath that Clarke is warm and feels her soft chuckle travel through her body.

Clarke kisses her head, and then she adjusts as Lexa clings to her body, but Clarke is kissing her eyebrow and then under her left eye and then along her cheekbone, across her jaw, under her ear so she shivers and her grip on Clarke’s body grows tight. “Wake up gorgeous, we slept in.” Clarke’s lips pressing to the shell of her ear to speak distracts Lexa enough from her own dreams that she opens her eyes long enough to see Clarke’s own as she backs up from her, scatting fingertips down Lexa’s face and into her hair again.

“Slept in?” Lexa croaks slightly and Clarke’s smile is warm and so dazzling and beautiful. Lexa’s heart grows massive, beats uncontrollably and hurts. Hurts in such a good way.

“Yeah, I didn’t think that would be possible either.” Clarke says amused. “It’s 11.” Clarke gets closer to her to brush her nose gently along Lexa’s and the brunette’s breath hitches in her throat. Her grip on Clarke tightens again and she dreads leaving the confines of this bed. She wants to stay like this forever.

“It’s the weekend.” Lexa says after she manages to think through into what day it is.

“It is.” Clarke presses a small kiss to the corner of Lexa’s mouth and Lexa’s eyes fall shut at the touch. “I wanted to make you breakfast, we’re running out of time.” Clarke mumbles practically against the skin near her mouth, pulling back only to look into her sleepy eyes again.

“Breakfast?” Lexa asks dumbly, a furrow to her brows as she’s still trying to wake up.

Clarke giggles beautifully, tracing the tried frown on her lips. “What would you like to eat?” Lexa thinks for a long moment while Clarke keeps up the movements across her cheek and through her hair. Clarke is so close that Lexa can feel the air she lets out of her nose when she breathes against her cheek.

“I don’t know.” She says after a moment, trying to think about anything but the closeness.

“So, surprise you?” Clarke grins and Lexa can’t help the slight smile that accompanies her own mouth at the happy statement. Clarke hadn’t slept well through the night, which in turn had led to Lexa not sleeping well either, so it’s really no surprise that it was so late in the morning.

Maybe this was Clarke’s way of saying thanks, for being here for her, for never rushing her. Or maybe it was just breakfast and Lexa spends too much time in her own head. “Yeah, sure, can I shower?” She doesn’t know why she asks every time, by this point she knows she’s allowed to shower in Clarke’s bathroom whenever she wants.

“Of course, I’m going to do some laundry, would you like me to wash your sweater?” Lexa knows what sweater Clarke is talking about of course, it doesn’t actually belong to her, but Lexa has never actually seen Clarke wear it once. Lexa thinks maybe she should start bringing it back to her dorm with her now, since there’s no reason to hide that she has it anymore.

“Probably should.” Lexa mumbles and reaches up with the back of her hand to wipe the sleep out of her eyes.

“Okay, do you want to borrow a different sweater?” Clarke’s voice is so gentle and soft. Lexa could listen to it for hours and never grow tired of hearing it.

“You just like me in your sweaters.” Lexa teases and Clarke gives her a small chuckle.

She shrugs, and a delicate blush runs across her features. “It’s your fault that you look so good in them… you look good in anything.” Clarke is definitely flirting with her when she makes eye contact again and even though Clarke flirts with her all the time, something about the openness of this moment feels so warm and inviting.

Lexa smiles warmly at her before rolling her eyes slightly and pulling away from her. She pulls herself in an upright position and wipes the rest of the sleep from her eyes as Clarke follows. “Maybe you should leave more clothes here. I would let you borrow my jeans, but your legs are definitely longer than mine.” Clarke says with a soft sigh beside her.

Lexa grins at her. “Been looking?” She teases with a slight raise of her eyebrow.

Clarke blushes and shoves her slightly. “Okay, I’m going to cook, you know where everything is. I guess just pick whatever clothes of mine you want… actual clothes, not towels or a bedsheet or some other provocative form of covering up.” Clarke climbs out of the bed as Lexa flutters her eyelashes at her. “As innocent as you think you are, I think I’m starting to see through you.” Clarke chuckles, her blush is still there, and Lexa is enjoying seeing it.

Lexa smiles wider. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She mumbles innocently and watches as Clarke playfully narrows her eyes at her.

“Of course you don’t. Go take your shower.” She demands lightly and giggles when Lexa flops back into the mattress, just to pull herself into another sitting position against the headboard of the bed.

“Would you like a shower too?” Clarke narrows her eyes at her and Lexa can’t help the slight giggle that escapes her. “So I know how long of one I should take, for the hot water.” She flutters her eyelashes again and Clarke’s blush deepens a little.

“I’m good, I’ll take one tonight.” Clarke pulled her own messy hair into a loose bun and stared at Lexa for a moment as she stretched.

When Lexa meets her eyes again they are a shade darker than normal and Lexa by now, knows what that means. She corks a brow in her direction with a silent question and Clarke blushes another shade darker and rushes out the door before saying anything else. It makes Lexa laugh, and so she does, loud enough for Clarke to hear past the door she retreated out of.

 

***

 

“Is it good?” Clarke asks hopefully, blue eyes wider than normal as she stares at Lexa who hasn’t even taken a bite yet, just now cutting into the French toast. She’s got the fork halfway to her mouth when Clarke asks.

She’s adorable like this, and Lexa knows she could get used to it… Hell she’s already used to it. But there’s a comfort, something settling between them that hasn’t before. Again, it’s not something they’ve particularly voiced out loud but they both can feel the way things shift every time their relationship takes a deeper or sharper turn.

Last night, things definitely shifted. But last night put a lot into perspective for Lexa. So even if they’ve shifted, things are still going slow and at its rightful pace. She’s okay with the pace, all she wants is Clarke to be comfortable with her, to trust her. “You have to let me actually eat it first.” Lexa teases back with light amusement entering her tone.

“Well what’s taking you so long?” Clarke says with exasperation clear in her own voice and Lexa can’t help the amused chuckle that escapes her before she lifts the fork the rest of the way to her mouth and bites off the cooked bread.

She hums thoughtfully as she chews, pretending as if she has to think about how good the food is, or if it’s good at all, just to tease the blonde. “Lexa,” Clarke crosses her arms along her chest and glares at her and Lexa can’t help the grin that breaks out on her face.

“Of course it’s good. You’re perfect at literally everything.” Lexa rolls her eyes at that and digs into her food, because it really is good. Whatever brand of sausage Clarke gets is even better. She’s almost tempted to ask if she can move in if it means she’ll get breakfast every morning. Between Clarke and Raven she’d definitely lose all of her muscles.

“Almost everything.” Clarke sighs with a slight smile before rounding the counter and sitting next to Lexa so she can eat too. Clarke stops a moment though, leanings into Lexa’s side and presses a kiss to Lexa’s left ear and takes in a breath. “Not fair.” She mumbles lowly still close to her ear, practically in a whisper.

“What?” Lexa says with a slight shiver and a crack to her tone as Clarke pulls away and takes her seat beside her to eat her own breakfast. “My shampoo smells way better on you than it ever does me.” She seems to pout slightly at that and it makes Lexa giggles lightly. Of course that’s not true, Lexa’s addicted to Clarke’s smell, that’s clear in the way that she can barely sleep without her at this point.

She blushes slightly anyways and turns her head so her hair curtains down in the way of her face. She’s not fully sure why she’s blushing, just the thought of Clarke liking how she smells makes her feel warm. “Did you want to finish your painting today?” She asks instead of saying something flirty back.

Clarke sighs and pushes some hair behind Lexa’s ear so she can see her face again before going back to her food. “I really don’t think… that we should do that to do, maybe we should go out?” Clarke shifts in her seat as her eyebrows knit together in that look that she gets when she thinks too hard and Lexa’s fingers itch to smooth them out.

“Go where?” Lexa takes a gulp of the tea Clarke made and sighs contentedly.

“I don’t know, where do you want to go?” Clarke perks up and looks at her, a light sparkle in blue eyes that Lexa really loves.

She quirks a brow at the blonde and notices the way blue eyes follow the action though she’s not about to say anything about it. “Are you going to ask me that all day?” She props her elbow on the counter to lean her chin against her palm.

Clarke frowns briefly, “ask you what?”

“What I want?” Lexa chuckles and Clarke blushes when she looks down at her food.

“I just thought, it would be nice, to spend the day making you happy.” She mumbles out quietly as she cuts into her own breakfast, chopping it up into individual pieces to keep her hands busy. She doesn’t make to eat any of it, maybe she’s nervous about the revelation but Lexa doesn’t think she should be nervous at all.

She feels the steady beat of her heart as she reaches out to brush a few loose strands of blonde hair that have fallen from Clarke’s bun behind her ear. “Just being with you, makes me happy.” Lexa drops her hand to grip Clarke’s hand, squeezing slightly and stares at the blush as it deepens on Clarke’s cheekbones.

She must be in a fairly blushy mood this morning.

She’s not used to an openly blushing Clarke and wonders what she’s been thinking about through the morning to cause this reaction. “Let’s just do something that you want to do today. Doesn’t matter what it is. We’ll do it.” Lexa’s eyes drop to Clarke’s mouth as she speaks when she turns her head to look at her again.

She licks at her bottom lip and pushes the many thoughts of what she’d like to do but really should wait to do back. “I just want to stay here with you. All day.” She says instead, forcibly shifting her eyes from Clarke’s mouth to meet her own again. She squeezes the blonde’s palm again and feels Clarke squeeze hers back in return.

Clarke smiles wide and beautiful and dazzling as always. “Just stay home?”

Lexa offers her a shallow nod. “Yeah, stay home with you, all day. Watch movies, whatever, I don’t care.” She shrugs and turns back to her food to continue eating though she can feel Clarke’s eyes watching her for a long time, as if she needs to contemplate what Lexa’s offer even means. She doesn’t remove her hand from Clarke’s.

After a while Clarke finally responds with a simple “okay” and that seems to set the day in motion. Clarke doesn’t remove her hand either.

Lexa bites at her bottom lip a moment. “Did you want to go out?”

Clarke shakes her head. “I told you what I want and that’s to do what you want. So we’ll stay here, all day, just me and you. Octavia probably won’t be home until Sunday. Raven won’t be home tell late tonight. So, it’s just me and you.” Clarke’s smile is blinding again when Lexa looks at her and the brunette fights the urge to forget the breakfast and kiss the syrup off the side of Clarke’s face.

“Good.” She says a bit croakily and Clarke is blushing again.

“Yeah, good.” She mumbles with eyes slipping to her mouth before she turns back to her breakfast as well. She squeezes Lexa’s hand again and Lexa squeezes back.

 

***

 

So that’s what they do. They stay in, all day. They bounce between the Harry Potter movies and doing something else, like playing a game or sitting out on the balcony so Clarke can draw the sky, or Lexa watching the sky anyway. Lexa’s starting to wonder if Clarke will ever draw anything else other than her at this point. She doesn’t ask though because it’s not like she actually minds.

They cook lunch together, they order pizza for dinner. It’s nice and quiet and it’s just them and neither one of them worries about everything else for the time being, for the time being it’s a bubble. A bubble where they can cuddle on the couch and it doesn’t matter what it means. A bubble where they can just be, for a while, they can just be without any worries about outside influences or insecurities.

Lexa doesn’t understand Clarke’s thought process for most of the day. She doesn’t think she gets it until halfway through and she thinks maybe Clarke needs this. She needs this break from all the worrying and the fear and the intensity of whatever is happening between them because it’s always been intense. She needs a break from all the baggage and the outside drama. Maybe she just needs a moment to pretend none of that exists and so Lexa lets her pretend.

The night before had turned out slightly rough. It’s the first time Lexa’s witnessed Clarke have nightmares. It’s the first time she’s witnessed the damage that Clarke’s false reputation has on her. She thinks after the night, that maybe Clarke just needs her time like Raven is always talking about. Her time to think a bit more and time to pretend that things aren’t as hard for her as they normally seem to be. Lexa wishes she could make it easier, the only thing she knows how to do is increase the peace between Anya and Clarke as fast as possible, and to be here for Clarke when she seems to need someone but doesn’t want to ask for someone.

Today is about Clarke, though she texted Anya not long after her shower to inform her that they needed to talk about the next step, she figures they can do that tomorrow when Lexa goes home to her dorm. She has to help Clarke the best she can. She doesn’t deserve the things she’s gotten. She never has, and Lexa will stand by what she had said to Clarke the night before. She doesn’t care what anyone says, and she doesn’t care about what is true or not. She knows Clarke and she loves her and she’s going to be on her side, no matter what.

It’s probably halfway through the fourth Harry Potter movie that both Clarke and Lexa are alerted to a slam of the front door, which makes Clarke squeak slightly and jump on the couch closer to Lexa, whose hand instinctively reaches out as if to protect her. It’s not even that loud of a noise, but in a room that had been quiet save for whatever Clarke and Lexa would talk about, it was loud enough.

It takes literally every bone in Lexa’s body not to start laughing hysterically when Raven and Anya stumble through the room, clearly not paying attention to anything but each other, kissing loudly that it makes Lexa look away and press her hands to her ears because gross. She doesn’t need to be witnessing this even if it is hysterical.

They’re in Raven’s room in a matter of a seconds and then Clarke is laughing beside her, flopping herself over on the couch and chuckling freely. Lexa can’t help but smile down at her, thinking that Clarke looks really beautiful when she’s like this. When she feels free, even if it’s just for a moment.

She’s laughing too as Clarke sits back up to wipe at her eyes. “Looks like she can’t harass you about fraternizing with the enemy anymore.” Clarke jokes and laughs some more, and Lexa can’t help but join her. She’s happy Raven and Anya worked it out though she could have done without witnessing the make-out session to Raven’s room.

She’s about to come up with a witty retort when Clarke closes the rest of the distance between them and climbs into Lexa’s lap, tangling her hands around Lexa’s neck and smiling widely at her. Lexa instinctively wraps her arms around Clarke’s waist and pulls her close. Any thoughts of what they’ve witnessed vanish as she becomes very aware of Clarke’s weight in her lap. “Thanks.” Clarke says softly and cups her hand against Lexa’s cheek to brush her thumb gently across the skin on her cheekbone.

She’s sure Clarke can see it in this moment, the look in her eyes. She’s absolutely sure of it. There’s no hiding it, especially when she can feel it, slipping into every single piece of her. She can feel it twisting inside of her, expanding until it makes it hard to breathe. She didn’t realize that she could love someone so much that it physically hurts her to breathe in the best way possible.

And Clarke… Clarke just looking at her in that way again, that way that twists Lexa’s stomach and makes her heart feel too big for her chest and Lexa wonders if she’s feeling everything Lexa is feeling. She’s almost not afraid to ask. “For what?” She mumbles so quietly she isn’t sure she can even hear herself over the movie.

“Just…” Clarke lets out a soft sigh and her eyebrows knit together for a moment as she tries to structure what she wants to say in her head. “For being you and being here.” Clarke shakes her head slightly. “I know last night was so…” Clarke sighs slightly. “If I haven’t scared you away by now…” She shakes her head again because that’s clearly not what she wants to say. “Just thank you, for being here for me.” She’s genuine when she says it and Lexa doesn’t quite understand being thanked for this.

It’s something people should always do, especially for someone like Clarke, especially when you’re as in love with someone as Lexa is with her.

Lexa smiles softly at Clarke and leans forward to brush a light kiss against the corner of her mouth that makes Clarke take in a deep breath suddenly. She pulls back slow because she can and grazes her nose over Clarke’s gently and affectionately. “I care about you, of course I’m going to be here.” She tightens her hold on Clarke as the blonde blinks at her a few times before she nods her head and moves slightly in Lexa’s arms to adjust herself so that she can lay comfortably, while still in her lap, and watch the movie.

Lexa kisses her head and decides very quickly that this is possibly the best way to spend her day.

 

***

 

“I should probably go home.” Lexa says with a sigh as she leans against the doorframe of the bedroom. She watches Clarke tug on her favorite paint splattered sweater.

She pouts in her direction. “You don’t have too.”

Lexa leans her head against the doorframe as well as she watches over Clarke as she rounds around the bed to stand in front of her. Her pout doesn’t leave her gorgeous mouth and Lexa spends a long time just staring at it, fighting the urge to lean over and kiss her. “I need some of my school stuff I forgot, and I miss my favorite blanket.” She really does miss it, she’s thinking that coming to Clarke’s without it is going to be something she just can’t do anymore. She always gets roped into staying longer than she should, my Clarke and Raven and her own heart.

“So we’ll go get them and you can come back and go home tomorrow.” Clarke’s arms slip around Lexa’s waist to pull her off the doorframe and tug her body against her own.

Lexa likes this, no, she loves this. She loves feeling so close, being like this with Clarke. Skating her touch across Clarke’s jawline and not worrying if Clarke will pull away. Feeling Clarke’s heart beating against her own, she thinks it’s always a bit faster like this, she hopes it is because she knows hers is. “You want to go grab my stuff tonight, so I can take it back tomorrow morning?” She says with slight amusement and she already knows she’s going to give in. There’s no point in fighting it. Her heart won’t let her leave, especially if Clarke asks her to stay.

“Morning? Who said you’d go back in the morning?” Clarke tilts her head to the right slightly, blue eyes twinkling into her own. Lexa’s own eyes drop to her mouth again to stare at the smirk on her lips and she feels her stomach flip.

“I do have to go back to my dorm sometimes.” Lexa says regretfully and watches as Clarke’s face falls. “I’ll bring my favorite blanket over next time.” So she has more excuses to stay for an extended period of time.

Clarke lets out a slow sigh. “I guess you can go home if you want too.” Clarke pouts and parts from Lexa to grab her own shoes. It’s adorable because she mopes as she pulls them out of her closet.

“I never said I wasn’t going to agree to staying until Sunday.” Lexa grins at Clarke as the blonde throws her shoes back in the closet and turns around to smile as widely as she can at her. God, Lexa loves her smile.

“Thank god, I thought my pouty face wasn’t working. I thought I was going to have to whip out the puppy eyes.” Clarke steps back into her space and pulls Lexa’s body back against her own and Lexa lets out another sigh, slipping her own hands into Clarke’s hair and around the back of her neck.

“What do you want to do now?” Lexa asked and was surprised by how the question felt loaded with something that’s been clearly sitting between them for a very long time. Something that isn’t ready to come to fruition quite yet but for some reason Lexa’s voice dropped too low and Clarke’s eyes darkened at the tone and now here they are, staring at each other’s eyes and mouths like they have literally no control over themselves.

“Maybe we should finish the painting now.” Clarke says after a moment, and that’s loaded too. Lexa shivers when she feels her hands slip under the ends of her shirt, touching across the skin of her back, absentmindedly tracing the tattoo Clarke has recently become obsessed with.

“We could do that.” Lexa says soft and breathy, leaning forward to brush her nose along Clarke’s as she tilts her head just right to brush her lips against Clarke’s, but she doesn’t press either. She knows maybe she shouldn’t. They’ve been in a bubble all day and if she breaks it like this, maybe that would be bad for Clarke. She knows nothing can quite go further right now, not while Clarke is so afraid, and the feud is not completely settled, and they haven’t properly talked because Clarke isn’t ready too.

They can’t, but it doesn’t mean Lexa doesn’t want to. “Or we could do something else.” Clarke breathes against her mouth with her eyes fluttering shut and if Lexa wasn’t so far in her own head like Clarke often is perhaps she’d just pick Clarke up right now and throw her down on the bed. The wait is killing her, but she’d wait for Clarke forever, so she pulls back enough and takes in a breath to restrain herself.

“Maybe we could throw paint again?” Lexa smiles widely at Clarke as the blonde’s own eyes open to twinkle up at her. They’re darker again, god is Lexa falling in love with every look Clarke gives her. She’s entirely too gay for this but she’s here nonetheless.

“I think you had more fun throwing paint at me.” Clarke teases lightly. Her tone is lower, Lexa likes the sound of it and she wishes she could urge it to stay that way.

But they can’t, not right now. _Still so much to think about._ “Let’s just go to your office and you paint and I’ll do some studying.” She doesn’t want to study at all, but she knows that she probably should. Being here distracts her enough, she needs to at least get some work done.

“Ugh, studying.” Clarke’s head falls back with a slight groan and Lexa can’t help the laugh that escapes her.

“I didn’t say you had to study.” She teases lightly as Clarke looks at her again.

“No, but I feel bad for you suddenly.” Clarke releases her and steps back toward Lexa’s side of the bed to pick up her back pack. “What are you missing that’s at your dorm?”

“I could use my laptop.” Lexa lets out a soft sigh. “And I forgot a book.”

“You can borrow my laptop.” Clarke pulls Lexa’s bag around her shoulder and picks up her laptop from her desk. She moves to walk out the door, but Lexa grabs her delicately, one hand on her hip as the other reaches up to her face to touch lightly. She leans forward, slow, quietly mumbles “I’m going to kiss you” and then she does.

Clarke sucks in a breath when Lexa’s mouth touches her own. The kiss isn’t deep and emotional or even intense like their others. It’s slow and Clarke’s lips are soft as the hand Lexa had on Clarke’s face push into her hair and curls around the back of her neck. There’s an intake of breath from Clarke when Lexa nibbles at her bottom lip and tugs lightly on her hair that twists Lexa’s stomach but she’s not planning to let this kiss get out of hand.

So she pulls back after a moment and Clarke’s eyes flutter open to stare at Lexa in that way that makes her palms shake and her heart beat unsteady and then she’s smiling widely at her again. “Are you sure you want to study?” She tilts a brow up with amusement and Lexa wonders what else she’d say if something between them was more defined than it is now.

“Yep.” She releases Clarke and takes the laptop from her hands. She grips Clarke’s left hand with her free hand and they walk quietly to the office. When Lexa is settled in the corner of the room, in a small study nook she pretends she doesn’t notice the way Clarke adjusts all of her painting materials so that she can see her, pretends that she doesn’t realize the exact moment Clarke starts to paint her.

She pretends she can manage to somehow focus knowing that Clarke’s gaze is permanently fixated on her, creating an image that Lexa knows is always far more beautiful than she actually is.

 

***

 

They’re staying up late again. It’s something they do well together, it’s routine now, habit. And well, if they’re going to stay up late together they might as well make midnight snacks together, and those snacks might as well be something sweet and fun because well. They’re not sleeping and Lexa’s tired of studying and Clarke’s left hand had been cramping so this is where they are.

Clarke chops a set of strawberries while Lexa reads the directions on her phone and fiddles with the zipper on Clarke’s hoodie with her free hand. They stand so close that Lexa can feel Clarke’s body heat, their sides practically pressed together even though they face in opposite directions. Lexa’s not even a big fan of strawberries, but they’re Clarke’s favorite fruit so she doesn’t mind so much. “What is that smell?” Raven pops into the kitchen looking fairly disheveled and maybe even a little red as she heads toward the fridge, pulling out a few bottles of water.

Lexa and Clarke stop what they’re doing to grin in her direction knowingly and it seems to turn a warm Raven into a flustered one. “What?” She squeaks shyly, and Clarke starts giggling beside her as she turns back to finish cutting up her strawberries.

“We may have seen you.” Lexa says simply, and Raven begins to pout at that information but what did she really expect? She did stumble into the room without even looking who else could be home.

“No fair, how much?” Her voice is higher, embarrassment clearly across her features and Lexa can’t help the slight laugh that escapes her. Clarke glances at her briefly when she does laugh, that look in her eyes before she’s focusing on those strawberries again.

“Just the walk… or the stumbling from the front door to your room. No big.” Lexa shrugs and looks back down at her phone, scrolling through some more directions. They’re really not that hard and they already have the cake part in the oven. There isn’t much left to look at.

“Oh.” Raven than chuckles slightly. “Sorry, we were a bit… pre-occupied.” She winks at Lexa and the brunette wrinkles her nose up at the implication, yeah, she doesn’t need to think about Raven and her sister. That’s just gross.

“Yeah, we noticed.” Clarke says with another bark of laughter. Free and loud and it makes the blood pump faster through Lexa’s veins.

“Oh shut up.” Raven opens one of the water bottles she grabbed to guzzle it down and Lexa looks back down at her phone to read more of the directions that she doesn’t need to be reading anymore, a slight grin on her face.

There’s a moment of silence between all three of them before Raven is speaking up again. “Clarke are you okay with this?” Her voice is smaller when she asks it, even vulnerable and Lexa looks up from her phone to notice the genuine concern on her face.

Clarke stops chopping the strawberries to turn around look at her best friend, a cork of her eyebrow. “What do you mean?” She asks gently as Raven leans against the fridge doors.

“Anya and I?” Lexa sees Raven rubbing at the back of her neck. “I really want you to be, but I know things are…” The Latina lets out a heavy breath.

Clarke waves her hand dismissively at her. “I’m fine with it.” Her tone is even and truthful when she says it and Lexa doesn’t detect any signs of discomfort. She wonders how that can be. She wonders how Clarke is fine with it. Even if she’s for solving the problems between her and Anya, wouldn’t it still put her off a little bit?

“You sure?” Raven asks in an unsure tone.

Clarke nods at her. “I promise Raven, I just want you to be happy.” She says genuinely, and Lexa reaches out with her right hand to push back some escaped strands of hair behind her ear. She’s good at messy ponytails. She looks good in them though, and she has pain on her neck but she’s not going to tell her that right now.

“Even if it’s with the enemy?” Raven asks again, and Clarke rolls her eyes.

“If she treats you right. Besides.” Clarke glances at Lexa and reaches up to push a curl out of her eyes. “Anya and I have one thing in common already, might as well have another.” She smiles big and warm at Lexa and the brunette can’t help the wide grin that overtakes her own lips. It’s practically face splitting and if Raven weren’t staring at them she thinks she’d kiss Clarke again.

The Latina lets out a bark of laughter that’s almost contagious. “Wow have you guys fucked yet?” Lexa rolled her eyes and threw the end of a strawberry at Raven who squeaked and skirted out of the kitchen.

“Get a handle on your girlfriend Griffin!” She shouts loudly as she disappears, probably back to her room, back to Anya. Lexa briefly wonders if she’ll be seeing her sister any time soon, or if they’ll somehow miss each other, even though they’re in the same apartment.

“She never quits.” Clarke chuckles and turns back around to face the counter so that she can finish cutting up the strawberries.

Lexa frowns for a second as she thinks of what Raven has said to her as she escapes. She wonders if that’s Raven way of helping, or if that’s just Raven being Raven. Maybe it’s both. She knows how Lexa feels… she probably even knows how Clarke feels. “Do you think…” Lexa frowns slightly and Clarke stops what she’s doing to look at her.

“What?” She asks all gentle and soft like Lexa is fragile and needs to be spoken to with care. She’s giving her this glossed over look that makes Lexa’s heart beat too hard against her breastbone that it actually aches, but she doesn’t care if it throbs with this feeling.

She smiles a little at her. “Nothing, it’s nothing.” She waves it off and looks back down at her phone, staring at the picture of the food they’re making.

She can see Clarke’s eyebrows furrow in thought from the corner of her eye. “Lex,” She mumbles gently and tips her chin up to look at her again.

Lexa swallows slightly, savoring the touch and missing it when Clarke drops her hand again. “It’s nothing. The cake still has another ten minutes and I checked your fridge your lacking an important ingredient.” She informs, waving her phone around as if that explains everything.

Clarke frowns at her now. “Lex, if the things she says make you uncomfortable, I’ll talk to her about. She’s joking but I don’t care, if it upsets you she can stop.” Clarke’s voice is hard and determined and it makes Lexa feel special. Clarke wants to protect her it seems just as much as Lexa wants to protect Clarke.

She shakes her head to assure the blonde. “It doesn’t upset me that’s not…” Lexa sighs slightly. “I thought it would make you uncomfortable.” She admits softly because she’s surprised that it doesn’t. Raven and Octavia are known to tease, they do it often and with how Clarke is, Lexa always kind of assumed that it would bother her or irk at a nerve. The pace they have set for themselves, that kind of teasing can mess with it. At least, that’s what Lexa thought.

Clarke’s frown deepens for a moment, the knit in her eyebrows grow more prominent as she thinks over what Lexa is saying to her. “Why would you think that?” She asks after a moment and Lexa takes in a breath.

“I don’t know.” She chuckles nervously. “I think I just get nervous when anyone says stuff like that in front of us.” She admits quietly and looks back down at her phone to fiddle with the case, just for something else to stare at.

“Do you think I’ll get weird or something?” Clarke asks with what sounds like genuine curiosity in her tone.

Lexa shrugs, _not exactly_.

“Well, it doesn’t bother me. I’m used to Raven cracking jokes at my expense, so you don’t have to worry about me. I’m okay.” Clarke smiles at her when Lexa looks back up at her. She reaches out to touch her cheek slightly, her fingertips are cold and damp from the washed strawberries she’s still cutting.

“Yeah?”

Clarke shrugs and her touch falls away. “Yeah, I like the way we are with each other, I don’t care what other people see when they look at us. I just care about you. How we are with each other, that’s our business.” Lexa thinks this is the first time they’ve quite talked about this subject like this. Even if it littered with its own double meanings and isn’t exactly what needs to be said, it’s just another step.

Lexa licks at her lower lip slightly and sees Clarke’s eyes follow the action. “Would you tell me?” She mumbles gently, and Clarke perks up another curious eyebrow at her, thinking about what she’s saying.

“Tell you what?” She asks after a moment.

“If it ever made you feel weird?”

Clarke chuckles. “I probably would.” She shrugs and looks at the strawberries before looking back at Lexa. “But it doesn’t. Of all the jokes that have been made to me about boyfriends and girlfriends, you’re literally the only person I don’t care about people assuming I’m with. We’re just… us you know? Doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.” She shrugs again and looks back down the strawberries to attempt to chop up the rest of them.

“Us.” Lexa says it like she can taste the word. She isn’t quite sure what the sum up of this conversation really means but she’s not going to worry about it. It just goes with their slow-moving pace. Each new inch is what Clarke is comfortable with and Lexa is comfortable as long as Clarke is. “Yeah, I like that.”

Clarke smirks. “Good. Now what is the important ingredient we’re missing on the list?” Clarke glances at her phone but Lexa now has the screen locked. She doesn’t need to unlock it to know what the ingredient is.

“The Whipped Cream.”

Clarke gasped in shock and Lexa let out a soft laugh at her antics. “We’ll go get it after the cake is out of the oven, it has too cool anyway.” Clarke is grinning widely at her again, as she chops the last three strawberries.

She steps away to set the knife in the sink and wash her hands. “Next we should make a smoothie.” Lexa says with excitement as she hops up onto the counter, watching Clarke soap up her hands.

“You would want a smoothie at ten o’clock at night.” Clarke says with another beautiful free laugh.

Lexa’s heart soars. “I like smoothies.” She mumbles innocently, and Clarke gives her a look over her shoulder before she finishes rinsing off her hands and drying them.

Clarke laughs and shakes her head. “I know.”

 

***

 

Lexa is scrolling through another article on her phone again when her sister finally emerges from Raven’s room for the first time. When Lexa looks up at her she sure not to comment on the mess she looks, she doesn’t need the details. She saw enough when they first came through the door. “Where’s Clarke?” She asks leaning against the arm of the couch and blinking down at her sister.

“In the shower.” Lexa smirks at her sister as she comes to sit on the couch beside her, her eyes examining the apartment, since she had been a bit pre-occupied when she originally came in.

She narrows her eyes slightly at her sister and adjusts her sitting position to pull her legs under herself. “We’re not going to talk about it.” She states simply, her cheeks tinting a slight color of pink.

Lexa chuckles. “Oh?” She turns her head back down toward her phone to go back to reading the article open there, her eyes skimming words.

A few moments of silence tapper on by, the two sisters just sitting there in the quiet. “So how long have you been here?” Anya says eventually to interrupt the silence.

Lexa lets out a soft sigh and hits the power button on her phone so that the screen darkens, setting it down on her thigh. “Awhile.” She answers simply and provides her sister with her full attention.

Anya licks her lips, skating a hand through her hair. “Are you and Clarke?” She says it nervously and Lexa quirks an eyebrow at that, but she lets herself relax about it. She knows Anya is going to try. There’s no reason to start doubting her until she gives her a reason.

“No.” She answer simply instead, shaking her head once. She wishes but it takes time.

“Alright.” Anya sighs again and starts to examine the place again. “Raven’s sleeping.” She says as if to explain why she’s out here instead of still locked away in Raven’s room.

Lexa can’t help but snort at that. “And you’re not tired?” She teases because she can’t help herself.

Anya’s cheeks burn though a soft grin attaches itself to her mouth. “No, I’m feeling energized.” When she looks at Lexa there’s a soft twinkle in her eye that Lexa hasn’t seen in a fairly long time.

She can’t help but feel happy for her sister. “Is that good?”

“I feel… _happy_.” Lexa smiles at her sister and moves her phone off of her lap so that she can slide closer to her along the couch.

“That’s good.” She encourages warmly.

“I’m a little freaked out but, yeah, it’s good.” Anya smiles too. “So, you wanted to talk, about the next step for solving things with Clarke?” She skates another hand through her long hair.

Lexa nods. “Oh yeah, well. I was thinking, we could set up something between the groups?” She’s had a bit of time to think of something to do and this wasn’t exactly a solid plan, but it was something. An idea at least.

Anya looks unsure. “Are you sure that wouldn’t be a disaster?” She asks with a soft sigh escaping her.

Lexa shakes her head. “No, not if you tell them how it’s going to be.” She encourages because she knows it could work, it would work if Anya wanted it too. She hopes Anya will want it too.

Anya nods her head. “You’re right, and if they see me with Raven-”

“Oh, that’s going to be public?” Lexa smiles again at her sister, warm and comforting as the girl’s cheeks tint pink again.

Anya shrugs shyly. “I want it to be… I mean, I like her, like… I really-” Anya huffs and crosses her arms along her chest. “I want to be with her.” She mumbles quietly, and Lexa’s smile grows even wider.

“So, you’re okay if your friends know?” She brushes a few strands of Anya’s hair out of the way, so she can see her sister’s face and make sure she’s okay with the pace at which things are moving in her life. She wants everything to be on the right path, but she doesn’t want Anya to be overwhelmed with the amount of all the change taking place, even if that change is necessary.

Anya nods her head in response.

Lexa leans her elbow on the back of the couch to prop her head up in her palm. “That can be helpful in mending things. It doesn’t change the way things are for Clarke though, when it comes to your friends.” She informs just so Anya knows that the measures that come to Clarke will have to be sterner. Things aren’t going to change overnight, but things are going to change. Lexa’s not going to let anyone else hurt her. Not while she’s around.

Anya sighs. “I will do my best I promise.”

Lexa gives her sister a shallow nod. “I know, and you can’t control everyone, we just have to hope that this changes things and that things will get better.”

“Hi,” Anya jumps as Lexa turns on the couch to catch Clarke in her favorite hoodie, her hair still wet and Lexa can smell her shampoo from here. She wants to wrap up around her and breath her in. Her shampoo will always smell better on her than it does Lexa, Clarke is crazy for thinking otherwise.

“Hi Clarke.” Anya swallows and skates a hand through her hair and Lexa knows she’s nervous. “Can I speak with you for a second?” She doesn’t say it with any malice or what sounds like ill intent, though Lexa is still suspicious for good reason.

“Um, yeah.” Clarke says quietly, looking kind of unsure herself.

“Do you want me to leave?” Lexa asks her sister though her eyes move back to Clarke because she’s not leaving if Clarke doesn’t want her too. Even if her sister asks it of her.

“No, that’s okay.” Anya stands up from the couch to move around it and stand in front of Clarke with a good amount of space and distance still between them. “I’m sorry for the things that transpired between us and what I’m about to say I want you to know has nothing to do with our history. Lexa is my sister.” Her voice isn’t exactly stern, but it does lack real emotion. However, Lexa’s not worried as her sister often speaks that way, even to her.

She still gives a warning anyway. “Anya.”

Clarke waves her hand at her. “It’s okay Lex,” She stands up straighter and cocks her head at Anya, intent on listening.

“You’re important to her and recently I’ve been made to see things differently and I’m going to try and make up for how things have been. But I want you to know that if you hurt my little sister, for her and for Raven I’m still going to make up for everything, but I will kill you.” Anya looks her in the eye and Clarke cracks a grin at her, though Lexa shoots her sister a soft glare.

“Anya come on,” She protests but Anya isn’t done.

“With that out of the way.” Anya offers her hand to Clarke. “I’d like to make peace between us.” She says with determination, her hand still outstretched. She looks all business and Clarke’s eyes twinkle at her in that way they do.

She looks almost amused and places her palm in Anya’s. “Okay. But you should know that the same goes for you when it comes to Raven.” Her voice isn’t stern or all business-like Anya’s but it’s warm and gentle and Lexa almost doesn’t understand how she does it. She isn’t sure if Clarke is acting, wearing one of the many masks she often does, or if she’s genuine this unbothered.

“I have no doubt you’re telling the truth.” Clarke grins when their hands part.

“Anya,” Raven peeks her head out of her bedroom and Anya turns to look at her.

“I’m coming.” She says immediately her voice losing all semblance of stern and business and turning soft and sweet, and Raven smiles warmly in her direction affectionate and dewy-eyed. She looks ruffled and still sleepy and waves at Clarke and Lexa before disappearing back into her room. “Alright, well, now that that’s out of the way. Goodnight Lexa.” Anya rounds back around the couch to drop a protective kiss on her forehead and gives Clarke a shallow nod of acknowledgement before making her way back to Raven’s room and disappearing past the threshold again.

“Well that was pleasantly unexpected.” Clarke says with amusement.

“It was, would you like to finish the sixth harry potter movie before bed?” Lexa lets her eyes move from Raven’s now shut bedroom door to greet her favorite blonde.

“Yes, I want my hair to dry.” Clarke moves past Lexa to sit down beside her, but Lexa grabs her waist to pull her down on her lap again and leans over her to press play on the remote. Clarke just sighs happily and snuggles into her.

“Are you okay?” Lexa rubs a hand up and down her back gently and comfortingly.

“Yes,” Clarke leans up to press a gentle affectionate, long kiss against Lexa cheek that makes Lexa turn her head toward her, close enough that their noses brush. “I’m more than okay right now.” She says with a smile that makes Lexa’s heart squeeze tight in her chest.

She grins back and closes the minuscule distance between their mouths to drop another kiss on Clarke that makes the blonde giggle against her mouth.

 

***

 

“Do you think there were signs we missed?” Clarke mumbles into the dark, well past two in the morning. They both aren’t sleeping. It seems to be eluding them though they aren’t saying much to fill the quiet. They are simply just being, the bubble they have created for the day will end by tomorrow, by the time they wake up again and they both don’t seem to want it too.

“For what?” Lexa lets her head fall to the side, her gaze skating across the features of Clarke’s face in the night. Her fingers itch to reach up and touch her, she normally has a hard time keeping her hands off of her anyways but she wishes she could end the night a bit differently than just falling asleep.

Fuzzy darkness and barely any light peeking in through the window from the streetlights below and she’s still the most beautiful person Lexa is sure she’ll ever see. “Anya and Raven. Did we miss all the signs?” Clarke turns on her side in bed and lets her eyes meet Lexa’s in the dark.

Lexa touches her furrowed eyebrow and watches it smooth out under her touch because she can’t help herself. “I didn’t. I’ve known much longer than you.” The way she says it almost sounds like bragging but she doesn’t mean it like that. She’s had the benefit of knowing both worlds, Clarke has not.

The blonde gasps. “Is that the secret that you and Raven shared?” She looks at Lexa like she’s just discovered a scandal and it amuses Lexa so much that a giggle escapes her before she can bother to stop it.

“Sort of yes. But I figured it out before Raven and I ever started being friends. My sister always called her pretty.” Lexa smiles widely and Clarke chuckles at that as well. Clarke seems to have the same urges as Lexa when it comes to touching because her hand moves across her stomach, over the shirt. Maybe she remembers what is there, she seems to like them even though Lexa knows her stomach is going soft. Clarke doesn’t seem to care about that.

She ignores the tingle she feels from her fingertips. “Anya seems like she always tries to be hard but she’s actually quite soft.” She informs Lexa like it’s a secret she shouldn’t be sharing, even though she’s the only person that definitely knows that Clarke is right about that observation… well her and maybe Raven now.

She furrows her own eyebrows together as a question comes to her mind. “Don’t you get mad?”

“What do you mean?” The furrow comes back, and Lexa doesn’t bother holding back the urge to smooth it out again.

“I mean, the worst thing you ever said about Anya is that she isn’t me.” Lexa shrugs and turns over on her side as well to face Clarke more fully. “I know, everything that’s happened over time because of the feud isn’t fully Anya’s fault but she is partly responsible and you just… you forgive her? It’s like you’re not even angry, I would be angry.” She’s not trying to keep the drama going, she’s just genuinely curious. She wants to know what Clarke is thinking.

Clarke smiles warmly at her. “I’ve been mad before, things have changed though. We’re both trying, not just for ourselves but we… both kind of have other motivations as well.” Clarke’s touch skates down Lexa’s cheek and Lexa’s eyes fall shut for a moment to take in the touch. “She’s important to you.” Clarke mumbles quietly like it’s the most significant reason and Lexa can feel her heart expand the way that it commonly does when Clarke just breathes in her direction.

“You’re both important to me.” Lexa smiles at her softly and scoots closer to her. She tangles one of her legs with Clarke’s as the blonde’s hand slips under the end of her shirt to slide along the bare skin of her hip and she can feel the touch move through her.

“Lexa,” Clarke’s brows furrow again and Lexa repeats the motion, she thinks she’ll do it for the rest of the night. She likes being able to do it. She likes being this close, breathing against Clarke and feeling her heart beat against her own.

She can feel it race this way and knows she’s not the only one. “Hmm?”

Clarke bites her lip for a moment and Lexa’s eyes glue to the action because she can’t help herself. “Does the girl you’re trying to woo give off signs?” Clarke blinks at her innocently. Her tone is soft and low, and Lexa almost laughs at the question.

Instead she adjusts the pillow she’s laying on and plays with the ends of Clarke’s hair. “Sometimes.” She says honestly, and Clarke perks an eyebrow up at her.

“Sometimes?” She says it like she’s confused.

“Yeah, sometimes.” Lexa shrugs and scoots closer to Clarke.

“What does sometimes mean?”

Lexa lets out a soft sigh. “It means she thinks a lot.” Lexa repeats the motion with her fingertips over Clarke’s brow over and over until it finally smooths out again.

Clarke is still thinking, whatever she’s thinking about Lexa isn’t sure, but she knows Clarke knows they aren’t talking about anyone else but her. “How are you so patient?” She asks quietly, almost as if she’s sad.

Lexa’s heart palpitates slightly. “There are more important things, like trust and safety, friendship.” She whispers comfortingly and honestly, brushing her nose against Clarke’s because she’s noticed Clarke likes it when she does that.

Clarke’s voice is nearly a whisper when she speaks again. “Does she confuse you?”

Lexa thinks about breaking the ruse, answering with “yes you do but that’s okay” but she doesn’t. She doesn’t say that because she knows Clarke needs the ruse, even if they both know who they’re talking about. She needs this, so Lexa keeps up with it. “Sometimes, but not so much anymore.” She says honestly and slips her fingers through the side of Clarke’s hair to brush the strands behind her ear.

Clarke blinks softly at her. “She doesn’t deserve you.” She looks sad when she says it, like it’s a thought that haunts her and Lexa doesn’t know how to soothe it. She can’t. All she can do is be honest and hopes that Clarke will find it to be enough, hope that Clarke won’t push her away.

“That’s not for her to decide.” She whispers this time, and skates her touch down Clarke’s neck, feeling her shiver as she brushes the hair back and out of the way.

“No?” Clarke squeaks slightly when her fingertips skip along her collarbone.

Lexa shakes her head. “No, that’s up to me.” She says it with conviction because Clarke needs to know it and believe it. Clarke needs to trust her.

“Maybe you’re right.” She mumbles back and presses forward to kiss Lexa softly and Lexa lets her. It’s another short kiss, as if to say goodnight, but it does it’s job in completely making Lexa’s heart an overexcited mess.

 

***

 

Lexa doesn’t know how late it is but they’re both fighting sleep, talking through the night like they don’t have lives to get back to outside of this bedroom, this apartment. “What’s your family like?” Clarke lets out a soft yawn and Lexa almost suggests they sleep but she doesn’t.

“Not anymore put together than a normal family in America.” She grumbles because the topic of her family is always a hard one. Even if she’s willing to tell Clarke things, to talk about them with Clarke, it doesn’t make talking about it any less hard.

Clarke seems to notice. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want.”

“It’s okay.” Lexa lets out a long heavy sigh as she rolls over to mold her body back into Clarke’s, eyes fluttering shut as Clarke’s fingers shuffle through her hair. “My parents shouldn’t even be together. They only fight, they’ve been fighting ever since they adopted me, probably even before me.” She looks down at Clarke as the blonde plays with her hair, pushing most of it all to one side.

She frowns at her when her eyes aren’t attaching themselves to different features of her face, they’re looking into her own. “That sounds… hard.” She brushes her fingertips down the side of Lexa’s face and then back into her hair again.

“Yeah.” Lexa rolls off of Clarke and props herself up, so she can look down at Clarke again. “I guess. I’ve been through worse.” Clarke smiles at her and brushes her fingertips against her cheek again.

“You can go through worse and it can still be hard.” She says softly. Lexa likes when Clarke looks at her like this. Like she is somehow the galaxy, or all her paintings. It somehow relaxes her, makes her feel less of afraid of being in love with her. Maybe she feels like no one could look at her like that without returning these feelings, or maybe it’s just because Clarke has this effect on her.

“Yes… My little brother is all alone with it now, I feel guilty about that.” She yawns as well, and Clarke’s face breaks out in a wide grin at the action.

Her touch is light and gentle against her jaw. “Why did you transfer?” Lexa knows she doesn’t have to tell her, she knows Clarke wouldn’t push it if she didn’t want to talk about it. But she wants to tell Clarke things. She wants Clarke to know that she trusts her.

“My sister.” Lexa lets out a soft sigh and lays her head back down on Clarke’s chest, she molds herself back to Clarke and the blonde lets out her own content sigh as she shuffles her fingers through Lexa’s long brown hair. “She’s got some mental health issues, she’s been in a dark place for a long time, so I came here to try and help take care of her.” She licks at her lower lip as she listens to Clarke’s heart beat in her ear.

“That girl that you like must be really distracting for you than.” Clarke chuckles slightly and Lexa loves that she can feel it travel through her body.

She lets out a light giggle of her own. “Yes, she is but in a good way.” Lexa leans back up again to hover over Clarke and presses a gentle kiss to the corner of her mouth, ignoring the intake of breath that Clarke makes at the contact.

“She must be really pretty to distract you from why you originally came here.” Clarke says shyly, her voice quivers slightly and Lexa wonders what the emotion is that’s flickering in her blue eyes.

She seems to be reaching for compliments and Lexa is happy to give them to her. “She’s more than pretty… _stunning_ … she reminds me of the sun.” She grins at Clarke, wide and watches how it seems to relax the girl below her, Clarke’s own smile mirroring hers.

“The sun?” She blushes deeply, and Lexa leans down to brush another kiss against her cheek before she lays her head back down again, right over her heart beat. She thinks it’s going faster than it had been going before.

“Yes. Just like it.” Lexa breathes out softly, moving her head to brush her nose against the skin of Clarke’s neck and lets her eyes fall shut again, feeling the exhaustion entering in her bones.

“I bet she doesn’t agree with that.” Clarke snickers slightly.

“Yeah, I’m sure she wouldn’t but it doesn’t make it any less true.” She whispers against her skin and feels Clarke grip move around her to hold her tightly.

Clarke chuckles and Lexa wonders if she’s still blushing but she doesn’t lift herself back up to see, instead she stays where she is, cuddled into Clarke and listening to her breathing as it lulls her to sleep.

 

***

 

She wakes up not very long later, still tangled in Clarke’s arms and feels the girl breathe deep and even below her. She backs up from her just enough to watch her eyelashes flutter in the darkness. She brushes long strands of blonde hair out of her face, watches how Clarke leans into her touch while she sleeps, and her heart goes crazy.

Clarke mumbles her name, twice, under her breath, with that furrowed eyebrow in her sleep and Lexa smooths it out and feels her own breath catch. There’s an emotion that comes with moments like this that Lexa doesn’t think is described well enough with only four letters. Not when she aches with it the way that she does.

She knows it’s written all over her face. She knows it’s obvious, especially with how she is with Clarke. It’s obvious, it truly is but that just can’t be helped. Everything about Clarke is a piece of her Lexa wants to know, she doesn’t care about how fast things move. She doesn’t care about definitions and expectations. She just cares about Clarke.

Clarke twitches in her sleep, head turning more toward her and that furrow is back so Lexa goes back to smoothing it out again and watching how the action seems to soothe whatever dreams she seems to be having. She’d gladly give up any amount of sleep to make sure Clarke gets enough if she was able to.

She mumbles her name again, low and quiet and not completely coherent and Lexa wonders what she’s dreaming about. She wonders what dream Lexa is like in Clarke’s head. She wonders if dream Lexa is as obvious with her love as real-life Lexa is. She bets she is. She bets there’s not one version of her that exists that isn’t in love with Clarke.

She reluctantly untangles herself from Clarke to go to the bathroom, glancing back at her to make sure she’s okay before she disappears and when she comes back she finds Clarke cuddling into her pillow, something she often does if Lexa leaves the bed and she’s still asleep, like she’s seeking her out when her body is gone. It’s heart-warming.

She smiles over at her before exiting the room to grab some water and when she makes her way back again she finds Clarke awake, those brows furrowed and Lexa’s pillow in her lap. She’s blushing, and the only reason Lexa sees it is because of the streetlights coming in from the window light up her face in the dark, her eyes too.

Lexa thinks she’s stunning like this. “You okay?” Lexa asks gently as she sets the water bottle on the nightstand on her side of the bed.

“Yeah,” Clarke lets out a breath, her voice raspy and rough.

Lexa ignores the things Clarke’s voice does to her when it sounds like that. “Was it another bad dream?” She asks with slight concern as Clarke looks deep in thought and almost concerned.

“Uh,” Clarke shakes her head. “No, not a bad dream. Can I have some of this?” Clarke reaches for the water and grabs it after Lexa nods her head.

She twists the lid off and guzzles about half of it. “Are you sure you’re okay?” Lexa asks with slight amusement.

Clarke twists the lid back on and sets it back down. “Yeah, I’m alright. Why are you up?” Clarke blinks up at her and grabs Lexa’s pillows to hold it against her chest as if to protect it. Lexa wonders if Clarke realizes its hers.

“Couldn’t go back to sleep.” Clarke scoots back over to her side of the bed so Lexa can climb back in under the covers. “Do you need some more water?” Lexa brushes her fingertips against Clarke’s fairly warm cheek and the girl shivers to her touch as she pushes strands of blonde hair behind her ear.

“No, I’m… yeah actually.” Lexa chuckles slightly and reaches for the half-empty water bottle again. Clarke’s fingers brush against her own when she grabs it and the girl shivers again and Lexa pretends not to notice.

She finishes it off after that. “Do you want another one?”

Clarke shakes her head. “I think I’m going to take a shower.” Her voice is less rough than it had been when she first spoke, having guzzled a whole bottle of water, but it’s still raspy. Raspy in that way that sends heat through Lexa’s body.

“It’s four thirty in the morning.” Lexa perks an eyebrow up at her and Clarke’s eyes are dark. She won’t mention that Clarke already took one before they went to bed.

She ignores the way the look Clarke is giving her sends her heart racing. “You’re right, that’s… early.” Clarke huffs and falls onto her back on the bed.

Lexa smirks at her. “What were you dreaming about?” She asks innocently, and Clarke looks at her a second before blushing even more and then looking away from her.

“Nothing.” She mumbles shyly. “Can we go back to sleep?”

“Yeah.” Lexa adjusts on the bed so she’s laying down as well and is surprised when Clarke rolls over to tangle her body on top of hers. She’s warm, really warm, but Lexa doesn’t mind, though she wishes she hadn’t climbed under the blanket with this knowledge.

“Lexa,” Clarke’s voice is still that low deep tone and Lexa can feel the erratic beat of her heart with her practically being on top of her.

“Hmm?” She tangles her fingers through slightly sweaty blonde hair.

“Goodnight.” Clarke sighs and she can feel the breath cascade across the exposed skin on her chest.

“Goodnight,” even if it’s more morning than night anymore.

Lexa thinks it’s another twenty minutes before Clarke is actually asleep again, her breathing always changes when she’s relaxed enough to fall asleep. Lexa keeps up the movements in her hair to make sure she’s comforted and kisses her head as she slowly starts to fall asleep herself.

When Clarke mumbles her name again she smiles and doesn’t mind the way the blonde’s hold tightens around her in her sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I understand that these chapters take a little bit longer to get out, between a week and a half to two weeks. I know that's a bit long but I really do appreciate the patience you guys have and the comments you leave on every chapter. I keep trying to get them out faster but I don't want any plot holes so I'm trying to be thorough and sometimes that just takes time. I just really appreciate everyone that seems to understand that, and I'm so happy that you all seem to be enjoying this story and finding happiness when reading it. I really couldn't think of anything better. This story came to me at a time I needed it the most so I hope this story can be here for any of you, whether you need it or not.  
> Thank you so much for the support. ~jaz


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is. I know it took forever, but I promise you're going to like it so enjoy. :)

Clarke whines when Lexa climbs out of the bed in the morning, though she doesn’t really wake up enough to properly protest and eventually just snuggles into Lexa’s pillow, holding it as if it’s Lexa herself. It’s adorable and almost has Lexa climbing back into bed but she’s already decided that she’s got a paper to finish and she’ll spend the rest of the time while Clarke’s asleep to finish it. She’ll hardly pay attention to it once the blonde is up.

She slips into the bathroom to brush her teeth and quietly steps out of the room, casting one last longing glance at Clarke’s rumpled figure in bed before she clicks the door shut softly behind her as she exits.

“Good morning.” Lexa jumps slightly but her heart slows when she realizes its only Raven, Anya is also beside her as they both sit on the couch. The news is on while they sip what must be coffee. She’s amused at how domestic it is and is sure she’ll be teasing Anya about it later.

“Morning.” She smiles warmly at the both of them and makes her way into the kitchen to get some of the coffee that’s left over. She sits down with them on the couch for a moment, glancing at the news while she sips at her mug. She’s hardly paying attention to it as her mind wanders to the paper she has to finish, the laptop still sitting in the office from where Clarke had interrupted her last night… not that she’s complaining, Clarke had interrupted her with a kiss so how could she ever protest?

“So.” Raven grins at Lexa. “Has it happened yet?” She wiggles her eyebrows at her as if that’s indication enough and Lexa almost laughs at her but doesn’t feel like giving Raven that satisfaction, since her constant teasing is rewarded with Octavia’s laughter normally. She isn’t here now to give it, so Lexa won’t.

Instead, Lexa rolls her eyes. “Are you going to ask me that every day?” she sips at her coffee again and smirks as Raven lets out a laugh.

“Yes, until it finally happens. I’m impatient.” Raven leans over Anya to look into her cup. “Do you want more babe?” Raven mumbles softly at Anya and Lexa almost laughs at the shy blush that finds its way onto her sister’s normally stoic face. Her eyes glance at her but quickly look away, obviously feeling embarrassed to having a witness to their affection.

“No, I’m okay.” She whispers and Raven smiles warmly at her, leaning over to press a kiss to her cheek that does nothing to help the color blazing on Anya’s cheekbones. Lexa likes seeing her sister like this, likes seeing her happy.

She takes her cup anyway and stands up to probably place them in the sink and Anya watches her wobble away. She wonders if Anya often has the same look on her face that Lexa gives to Clarke. “How long has… Raven known how you feel?” Anya asks after a moment of silence passes between them and she’s done wistfully gazing after her love.

Lexa licks at her lower lip and shrugs, letting her own eyes fall on the liquid in her cup. She swirls a bit, just to delay answering. She still isn’t sure how much she can actually talk about Clarke. She knows Anya is going to try but it doesn’t mean she’ll want to hear all of the love confessions that have built up in Lexa’s chest over the past few months. “A little while.” She sips her coffee and avoids meeting her sister’s eyeline.

Anya lets out a slight huff, still pretty far from her on the couch. She tangles her own hands together to grip them slightly, maybe to give her something else to do as well. “I’m sorry, you should have been able to come to me with it first.” She shakes her head as if she’s annoyed at herself and Lexa feels slightly guilty about it. After all, if she had just tried talking to Anya before, perhaps things would have worked out differently.

But alas, they didn’t, and now they have to work from what they have. “It’s okay An, you’ve already apologized.” She tries to comfort her sister, even with the space of the middle cushion between them.

“I know.” Anya lets out a sigh and scoots across the couch to sit beside her sister. “You can talk to me about it now.” She seems to encourage with a slight gentleness to her voice that Lexa only ever receives when she’s asking her to stay with her or when Lexa is hurt. She even looks hopeful.

Lexa licks at her lower lip nervously and sips some more coffee. “What do you mean?” She knows what she means.

“You know what I mean, what about her do you like, how much, how long? When did it all start?” Anya pulls her knees to her chest and wraps her arms around them, leaning her head on her knees to the side so that she can gaze at Lexa, like she’s waiting for the full story to spill from her lips.

Lexa adjusts in her seat, still feeling anxious at this prospect. She’s gone so long assuming that Anya wouldn’t want to hear anything about her feelings for Clarke, being shut down before when she had even had the courage to try, that it’s almost a shock to the system now to speak about it at all. “I don’t know. Awhile, since I met her.” She mumbles anyways, because she’s going to try of course. Anya wants to listen, and she’s always wanted to talk to her about it, now she gets the chance… even if it’s a bit weird.

Anya chuckles. “Lex come on.” She shoves her knee slightly and Lexa feels a chuckle escape her.

She takes in a deep breath and then gives her sister a meaningful look. “Are you sure?”

Anya softens and turns on the couch to face her fully. She brushes loose curly strands of brown hair behind Lexa’s ear. “Of course, talk to me. I’m your sister. I want to listen.” She encourages gentle and warm and Lexa feels her heart pick up in a hopeful pace.

“Okay.” Lexa lets out the breath she had been holding in. “I’m in love with her.” Lexa fiddles with her mug as she finds where to start and she can feel her sister’s eyes on her. It’s the first time she’s said it properly out loud but it’s true. Every day it only grows more and more true.

“I know.” Anya smiles at her, she almost looks sympathetic. “When did you know?” She brushes back more strands of curly brown hair and Lexa allows herself to feel the comfort Anya is offering her.

She licks her lower lip, nervous to even talk about this in general, not just because it’s Anya. “I… I’m not sure I just…” Lexa sighs. “I think I figured it out this one night, I got really drunk. She came to help me.” Lexa smiles thinking about it, what she can remember of it anyway. She remembers feeling in love then, maybe she knew before. But she thinks she really figured it out that night, drunk and absolutely useless at helping herself, Clarke was there.

“Was that the frat party and you disappeared?” Anya seems to be listening intently to her and Lexa can’t deny that it’s really nice to have her sister on her side for this. She thought she wouldn’t get to have this, she’s never been happier to be wrong.

“Yeah, she brought me here, held my hair back when I was sick. I don’t know. I think I knew before that. I think I’ve been in love with her awhile, why else would I make up reasons to spend so much time with her?” She seems to ask the question like Anya possibly has the answer. She isn’t sure she can pinpoint an exact time and location and moment that she knew. But she can admit that she won’t ever fall in love like this again. She knows it, she knows this is that once in a lifetime stuff people always talk about that she almost never believed was real. How could it be? But Clarke has a way of blurring all her lines.

Anya seems thoughtful for a moment, thinking deeply about her situation before she responds to her with another question. “Do you think she loves you back?” She asks and the answer to that feels significant. She can’t be sure, but she thinks… _maybe_. It has to be a possibility, right? This can’t all be in her head? One-sided love… it isn’t possible to feel so deeply for someone who doesn’t feel anything back, right?

“I don’t know. I hope she does or at least maybe as time passes that she will.” She licks her lower lip again nervously and can’t help the slight panic she feels at the possibility that Clarke doesn’t feel this. That Clarke doesn’t feel the skip of a heart beat when she sees her, that Clarke doesn’t feel the squeeze around it whenever Lexa smiles at her. Is she alone in this?

God she can’t be. She just can’t… that wouldn’t be fair. “Are you scared?” Anya ask another question, slipping through knotted curls of hair again as a frown graces Lexa’s face.

That’s probably the easiest question Lexa has asked her. “All the time.” She says without much hesitation and full-blown honesty.

Anya smiles warmly at her. “Raven seems to think she’s in love with you as well.” She must say it because she must know that Lexa needs the encouragement, the reassurance. She can’t be sure what Clarke is feeling. She can never be sure, but Clarke wouldn’t kiss her the way she does if she didn’t feel anything right? Clarke wouldn’t beg her to stay as long as she can if she didn’t want to be with her… right?

She can’t ask her, because asking her would break the pace… but if Clarke doesn’t feel it at all… is there even a pace to begin with, or is this all in Lexa’s head? “Let’s hope Raven is right.” She has to hope that this isn’t.

“Oh, I am most definitely right.” Raven cracks a wide grin and sits on the other side of Anya, offering Lexa a comforting wide grin that relaxes her heart. “I’m surprised she’s not up actually.” Raven tacks on after the silence extends for a moment and Lexa is actually grateful for the slight change in topic, just because she isn’t sure she can handle much more of this conversation right now.

Second guessing will drive her crazy. “Everyone has to manage to get some good sleep every once in a while.” She informs her and sips her cup thinking about Clarke waking up in the middle of the night with that blush on her face… surely, she wouldn’t dream about Lexa like that if she didn’t feel anything… _right_?

Raven chuckles. “She slept in yesterday too. I’m shocked.”

“She’ll probably be up soon.” Lexa sets her empty mug on the coffee table. “Can I make breakfast today?” Lexa asks Raven as the other girl is laying her head on Anya’s shoulder.

“Like I’d say no to someone else cooking.” Raven teases with a smirk, glancing in her direction before settling her eyes back on the news.

“Lexa’s a good cook.” Anya confirms, offering Lexa a slight smile before her eyes move behind her.

Lexa turns to see Clarke closing her bedroom door and rubbing the back of her hand against sleep blue eyes. “Lexa’s cooking?” Clarke asks in that raspy morning tone that turns Lexa’s stomach pleasantly.

“Good morning.” Lexa offers her a bright smile and her heart squeezes when Clarke returns it and travels across the space between them to drop a kiss against the corner of her mouth.

“Morning gorgeous.” She replies before standing up straight. “Morning everyone else.” She waves at them half-heartedly and wanders off to the kitchen, probably in search of her own wake up beverage.

“In love with you.” Raven sings quietly so Clarke won’t hear her and Anya actually laughs at her. A warm comfortable laugh and Lexa is more than happy to hear her sister make that sound.

 

***

 

They could have had the party sooner, but they decided to wait until the next weekend, Saturday to be exact and that Saturday turns into something rather weird. When Lexa first arrives she’s almost confused. It’s small, there’s really not a lot of people even though she and Raven had discussed inviting more, just to make it easier on the groups. There’s a weird vibe where most of Anya’s friends stand around on one side of the room while Clarke’s stand on the other side.

Lexa is not happy to see Niylah amongst either group.

She thought she told Anya that she wasn’t invited but it could have slipped by while they were both planning it all out and preparing for the worst. Lexa supposes it could still be worse, she’ll just keep Clarke away from her, which should be more doable once there are a few more people here.

Lincoln is playing cards with Monty and Jasper in a corner, but he looks like he finds it painful. She can’t blame him for being uncomfortable though. Monty and Jasper are loud and have an issue with eraser throwing.

“Lexa!” Raven waves her further in toward the drinks where she’s standing with Anya who has an arm around her waist and Octavia who seems to be talking to Anya in a low and tense tone. Anya looks unphased though, so Lexa doesn’t assume it’s anything she can’t handle.

She makes her way over and Raven who passes her a red cup full of unfamiliar looking liquid, it also smells strong. “How’s it going so far?” She asks instead of taking a sip of her drink and instead slides it along the counter. She should stay sharp tonight and whatever is in that cup is surely not going to help her do that.

“I think it’ll be better once more people arrive. Niylah is here though.” Raven makes a face, her nose scrunching up at the fact and a slight pout crossing her features that makes Lexa chuckle because she feels the exact same way.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t invite her.” Anya breaks away from conversation from Octavia to interject. “She heard from Luna. I didn’t know she’d come. I even told her not too.” Anya meets Lexa gaze and she knows her sister is telling the truth, but she seems to be urging her to believe her like she’s actually afraid she won’t.

“She’s been rather annoying around Clarke.” Raven rolls her eyes. “The only reason I haven’t kicked her out is because I don’t want things to go downhill.” But the look she seems to give Lexa is that she’s more than willing to do it, and Lexa, if she’s honest, wouldn’t give a damn bit how it’s done.

She waves it off anyway, she has more important things to worry about than Niylah’s presences now that she’s aware of it. “It’s okay. Where’s Clarke? Is she alright?” Because if Niylah does anything to hurt Clarke, Lexa might not be able to control her temper this time.

Raven nods, “Yeah, she’s out on the balcony now. She was talking to Bellamy.”

Lexa looks in the direction of the balcony and frowns when she sees Niylah far too close to it. “Alright, I’m going to go talk to her. If you can think of a peaceful way to get rid of Niylah, let me know.” She pats Raven’s upper arm before disappearing, making sure to offer Niylah a snide glance when the girl looks at her. She doesn’t want her to feel welcome.

“Alright.” She makes her way to where Raven had pointed her to and peers out to find her talking to what must be her friend, Lexa ignores the thought that Clarke’s mother apparently wants her to date this boy. She wouldn’t have time to think about it anyway because Clarke’s attention is on her the moment she peers her head out the open sliding glass door.

“Lexa!” Clarke grins brightly in her direction and abandons her conversation to step into Lexa’s space and fling her arms around her neck. She sways a bit at the attempt to get Lexa closer to her and Lexa grabs her hips to steady her. “You took _so_ long to get here.” Clarke pouts and Lexa can’t help a slight affectionate chuckle from escaping her.

“How much have you had to drink?” She asks teasingly and Clarke shrugs, leaning up to plant a sloppy kiss against her cheek.

“Not too much.” She mumbles in her ear eventually and Lexa ignores the tingle that shoots down her spine at the action.

“She’s had like two shots.” The taller guy finally speaks up as he steps away from the balcony to offer his hand out to Lexa. “I’m Bellamy, Clarke’s friend, you’re Lexa, right?”

Lexa offers him a slightly friendly smile though she feels awkward shaking his hand. She nods her head as Clarke snuggles into her as they stand, laying her head on her shoulder, her hands slipping from her neck to wrap around her waist instead.

“Yeah, nice to meet you.” She tries to ignore the flip of her heart at the thought of Clarke talking about her to her friends because she thinks it’s too teenage girl-ish to get excited about, but she can still feel it flipping without her permission.

Lexa keeps her arm around Clarke’s waist as the blonde molds her body more closely into her own, brushing her nose along the skin of Lexa’s neck so she can’t help another noticeable shiver from traveling through her. It’s inevitable for Clarke to be aware of it when she’s wrapped around her so tightly. She can’t hide a thing when Clarke is this close to her, let alone when there’s distance.

“She talks about you all the time.” Clarke’s head whips up at that and she seems to be trying to glare at Bellamy but the pout on her face makes it lose the effect she’s possibly going for and has Bellamy chuckling to himself.

“Don’t listen to anything he says.” Clarke mumbles in her ear and then presses a kiss to her jaw, it’s sloppy, like the one on her cheek and Lexa has to ignore the twist in her stomach at the light brush of her tongue. “Your friends are staring at us.” Clarke says with a grumble and seems to hide back in the crook of her neck.

“Anya’s friends.” Lexa immediately corrects and manages to make eye contact with her by pulling Clarke’s chin up. “Anya’s friends.” She states it firmly again, so Clarke understands, and the blonde only seems to laugh at her, shaking her head and brushing strands of curly hair behind her ear.

“I love your hair Lexa.” She says with a slight sigh that almost sounds dreamy.

Lexa can’t help her grin. “I know.”

“Well, this is too much gross for me.” Bellamy chuckles. “I’ll see you around Clarke, I’ve got to get going, please don’t trash the place.” He gives her a pointed look that only seems to make the blonde giggle before she’s burying her face back in the crook of Lexa’s neck again.

“I may not be sober enough to control that by the end of the night.” Clarke tells him honestly and he lets out another laugh.

“I’ll tell Raven then. Nice to meet you again Lexa, have a good night.” He waves at both the girls, offers Clarke a pat on her shoulder as he exits. Clarke keeps her head down on Lexa’s shoulder and seems to want to stay where they are.

“Are you okay?” Lexa asks softly, quietly like the question can’t be overheard. She knows this can’t be easy for Clarke. She wants peace between the groups, but it doesn’t mean it’s going to come effortlessly, that a party would at all be enough after so long of it withstanding and the brunt end of it being forced upon Clarke. So she’s more than willing to escape the rest of the night with Clarke if she’s uncomfortable.

“Better now.” Clarke mumbles and brushes her nose against the skin on Lexa’s neck again.

Lexa kisses her forehead. “We can leave right now if you want? You don’t have to stay.” She will tell Anya and Anya would understand if Clarke wants to leave, they’ve already discussed all the possible outcomes and Clarke leaving was one of the firsts. Anya didn’t mind if she wanted to skip the party itself all together. But Clarke thought it would be better for her to be here, so here they are.

Clarke leans her head up from her snuggled in position to meet Lexa’s eyeline again. Lexa is sure that Clarke’s eyes are bluer when she’s slightly drunk, the light from the sunset shining in them only adding to the effect. They’re so blue, Lexa is happy to drown in them. “It would mess things up if I left.”

“I don’t think so.” Lexa brushes her fingertips across Clarke’s cheek in a comforting motion that the blonde leans into. “You can leave if this is too much. You don’t have to stay here. It was just about ending the feud, that can still be done another way. I won’t let them hurt you anymore.” Lexa mumbles the last part like a sworn promise and it makes Clarke blink at her a few times, maybe in surprise but she isn’t sure why Clarke would be surprised. It’s not exactly the first time Lexa’s expressed her emotions about this situation in this way.

“I don’t deserve you.” Clarke mumbles with a soft smile and drops another sloppy kiss on the corner of Lexa’s mouth. After that she releases her. “Let’s go torture ourselves by mingling.” Clarke grabs Lexa’s hand and tugs her into the apartment, the music is too low for anyone to be dancing too it, and the groups are still segregated.

Niylah sneers when she looks in their direction, Lexa subconsciously steps around Clarke to shield her, switching hands. Clarke doesn’t seem to notice and instead focuses on making her way to Raven. Lexa figures she will have to be on guard tonight and she doesn’t mind, as long as she can keep Clarke safe.

“Lexa needs some alcohol!” Clarke announces once they reach the drinks where Raven is still hanging out.

“I’m good.” She waves it off, the red cup Raven had offered her earlier is still on the counter from where she had set it down.

“Shots!” Clarke shouts excitedly and let’s go of Lexa’s hand to jump up onto the counter.

Lexa can only sigh as Raven is already pouring the shots for everyone hanging around her and she takes it begrudgingly when Clarke shoves it into her hand. One shot is fine, she must stay sober enough to care for Clarke. One shot won’t fuck that up. So she gives in and lets the liquid shoot down her throat after Clarke has done her little count down from three.

She doesn’t know what kind of alcohol it is, but she does know she doesn’t like it an ends up wincing at the flavor, pushing the shot glass back on the counter like it’s offended her. Clarke giggles as she watches her and hops down from the counter to swing her arms around Lexa again. She’s very touchy when she’s been drinking which is something Lexa didn’t know about Clarke after all the time they’ve spent together she’s never actually seen Clarke drink that much.

The second shot she takes may be because Clarke’s hand slips under her shirt and she doesn’t know what to do with that. The third one is probably because Clarke keeps kissing her in places friends don’t kiss platonic friends. The fourth one Lexa tries to resist because she wants to make sure Clarke is safe and she can’t have any distractions, but Clarke begs her to take one with her and she can’t resist her, so she agrees.

After everyone seems to have some alcohol in their system the groups become less segregated, other people arriving also helps. It starts to become packed pretty quickly by eight and Lexa doesn’t really like it. She finds more solace in the kitchen of what must be Bellamy’s apartment based on what he had said to Clarke, even as Clarke leaves her to go talk to some people she recognizes that arrive.

She only leaves the kitchen after another shot that Raven makes her take with her to find Clarke and grumbles to herself when some girl mumbles something in her ear, touching her elbow. Clarke only seems to giggle at that, even blushing at whatever she says and it makes Lexa clench her jaw. So, she goes back to the kitchen.

 

 

***

 

Lexa goes to leave the kitchen multiple times, but every time she manages to see Clarke flirting with the same girl she loses her courage and goes back into the kitchen to sulk about it. She’s being a baby, she’s aware she’s being a big baby about this. Clarke is still free to flirt with whoever she wants… who says she’s even flirting, maybe she’s just being friendly and Lexa’s being stupid.

Lexa’s still being stupid even if she’s flirting.

She knows that, but she’s still got an ugly green monster growing in the pit of her stomach that she’s trying to snuff out. If she drinks anymore she probably won’t be able to snuff it out and will most likely end up doing something stupid, like kissing Clarke straight on the mouth in front of everyone so they know. But that wouldn’t be fair and again, Lexa knows she’s being stupid.

She doesn’t know how many times she does this before Clarke seems to catch her eye upon the last attempt to exit the kitchen and just go over to Clarke anyway. Who cares if she’s flirting. Really, _who cares_. Lexa really shouldn’t care, that’s not what’s important right now anyway. If she’s flirting she’s not uncomfortable, right?

She grumbles to herself when the blonde catches her eye, seems to wink at her, and then goes back to her conversation, giving the girl a head tilt and those twinkling eyes. Lexa grumbles again and turns back around to go in the kitchen, nearly bumping into her sister as she goes.

Her sister studies her. “What’s up?” She asks loudly, since the music has taken up a thumping volume throughout the apartment.

“Nothing.” She mumbles and takes the cup Anya offers her to drain it.

She looks at her in amusement. “Slow down,” Anya chuckles as she steals the red cup from Lexa before she can finish it off. “Where’s Clarke?”

“Talking to some chick.” Lexa grumbles and crosses her arms along her chest.

Anya laughs again but Lexa doesn’t know why she would laugh, it’s not funny… at least she doesn’t find it funny. “I promise you, you’re jealous for no reason.” Her sister seems to reassure, amusement in her eyes that just makes Lexa grumble some more.

Lexa narrows her eyes at her sister. “I’m not jealous.”

“Oh no, of course not.” She laughs and pats her sister on cheek as she goes to leave. “Please stay hydrated.” She calls to her as she exits and Lexa huffs as she leans against the counter. “She’s grumpy,” She hears Anya say and goes to protest but lets it fall away as Clarke chuckles and enters past the threshold of the kitchen.

“Why are you grumpy, baby?” Clarke almost coos as she leans against the counter beside her. She doesn’t reach out to touch but Clarke’s left-hand twitches like she wants too.

“I’m not.” Lexa mumbles quietly and looks down at her hands as she tangles them together. Clarke moves to press against her side, fingertips brushing into her long hair to push the strands behind her ear and lightly touch the shell like she often does so Lexa shivers and then they move to tilt her chin in her direction.

“What’s wrong baby girl?” Clarke’s gentle touch and the twinkle in blue makes Lexa’s heart palpitate and it almost hurts. Her instinct is to kiss her, and Clarke’s breath catches when she seems to move without realizing it, brushing her nose against Clarke’s gently.

And then she frowns and pulls away from her touch to clear her head. “It’s nothing I don’t want to talk about it okay.” She thinks it comes out a bit harsher than she means for it to and by the look Clarke gives her she knows it does.

“What did I do?” Clarke’s voice has slight edge to it before she doesn’t seem to want to bother to hear the answer and makes to leave but Lexa catches her wrist and pulls Clarke gently toward her.

“I’m sorry.” She nearly whispers, and Clarke seems to melt immediately into her touch when Lexa wraps her arms around her waist. “Stay with me.” Lexa mumbles and presses her forehead against Clarke’s. “I want to be with you.” She mumbles with her lips nearly pressed against Clarke’s, so she can feel the words as she speaks them.

Clarke’s own lips part as she seems to take in a breath and then she’s gripping Lexa’s hips and pulling her body against her own.

“Dance with me?” She breathes back, and Lexa feels her voice travel through her body, sending a familiar shiver down her spine. She tries to ignore it.

“Of course.” She says without hesitating.

 

***

 

Lexa already knew that anything about Clarke was extremely addictive. She knew that slow dancing with Clarke was also addictive. But this kind of dancing, with Clarke’s hands in her hair and Clarke’s hips grinding into her own… this is really addictive. She thinks she’s more drunk on it than she is drunk off the alcohol she’s already consumed.

She likes that when she kisses the blonde’s shoulder she only seems to grip her hair tighter, that when she slides her hands under Clarke’s shirt to rub the bare skin of her waist the girl only shudders in her arms. It’s song after song they spend like this, wrapped together, dancing until Lexa’s skin has overheated and her cheekbones hold a permanent blush.

A few people try and tear Clarke from her to dance with her as well, now that the party is so full, but Clarke only shakes them off and stays wrapped in Lexa and that makes Lexa’s heart feel as warm as her skin.

Clarke turns in her arms so her front presses to her own and Lexa nearly kisses her in front of everyone, the desire to do so, to do more than just kiss her, weighs heavy on her hazy mind. Clarke’s fingertips trail across her jawline and her eyes are as dark as they get after they’ve been making out for a long time.

Lexa can feel the heat travel to the place between her legs and she tightens her grip on Clarke’s hips. She leans forward to press a kiss to the corner of Clarke’s mouth, reveling in her soft intake of breath before she moves her lips to Clarke’s ear, so she can mumble a soft “let’s get water” there.

Clarke agrees with a shallow nod and from there Lexa grips her hand, interlacing their fingers and tugs her away from the dancing bodies toward the kitchen. She lets go of Clarke’s hand to grab water bottles for both of them as the blonde leans against the sink, though she finds herself scowling in that general direction when the girl Clarke had been slightly flirting with earlier seems to find Clarke leaning against a counter her invitation to move in on her.

The girl is just brushing a touch down Clarke’s arm as she giggles when the ugly green monster inside of Lexa erupts. She sets the bottles beside Clarke on the counter, a bit more aggressive than she had meant too. Clarke jumps beside her but eventually releases her own giggle when Lexa wraps her arms around Clarke’s waist and tugs the girl’s body against her own.

“What are you talking about?” She mumbles in Clarke’s ear and makes eye contact with the girl that had been flirting with Clarke, who looks rather bored at Lexa’s arrival. She nearly glares at her as Lexa presses light and soft kisses down Clarke’s neck that makes the blonde shiver in her arms.

“I can’t remember.” Clarke mumbles breathily and Lexa smirks as the girl walks off, rolling her eyes at Lexa as she disappears back into a crowd of bodies. She doesn’t care how it looks, she just wants to be with Clarke.

The blonde turns around in her arms and wraps her own arms around her neck. “Looked like an interesting conversation.” Lexa mumbles as she brushes her nose against Clarke’s, tightening her grip around her waist.

“Hmm, not really.” Clarke flutters her eyelashes and lets her fingertips trail across Lexa’s cheekbone while her other grips the back of her neck. “You are interesting though.” Clarke grins widely at her as if she’s amused.

Lexa blushes. “What do you mean?” She asks innocently, her mind still hazy enough to not worry so much about how she’s coming off to everyone else. If they think she’s with Clarke, then that’s what they think… she wouldn’t be… opposed to people assuming that and based off of previous conversations… Clarke doesn’t ever mind either.

“I don’t know Lex, what do I mean?” Clarke grins at her with rosy cheeks and Lexa’s breath catches. She loves her and her bright smiles. “You know, I love when you wear your hair like this.” Clarke trails her fingertips through the side of Lexa’s hair that’s pushed to be over one shoulder. “I love your hair.” She whispers for the second time that night, and Lexa almost doesn’t hear it over the music.

“Clarke,” She can feel the words fighting her every step of the way. Now isn’t the time to say them but she wants to. They fight their way up through her throat. She wants to say them, she almost thinks she’s drunk enough to let them fall out. Like it’s some big secret she’s been holding back… in a way it is.

Clarke is not ready for “I love you” when she’s not even ready for Lexa to be her girlfriend. “What?” Clarke asks after Lexa doesn’t seem to finish her thought. She trails her thumb against Lexa’s lower lip after she’s licked it and feels the swoop in her belly when Clarke’s eyes grow darker.

“Water.” She says and pushes Clarke away from her slightly by the hips to reach over and grab both the bottles she had set down too hard on the counter. The bottoms on both slightly crushed as she hands one over.

Clarke grins at her, bright and warm again. “Thank you gorgeous.” She giggles and pulls the lid off to guzzle it down.

“Not so fast.” Lexa scolds and drinks some herself.

“Yes bossy, would you like to dance some more?” Her smile only seems brighter with every passing second and eventually Lexa nods her head.

“Finish your water first.” She mumbles and works on finishing her own.

“You’re cute when your possessive and bossy.” Clarke giggles and Lexa can feel her cheeks heating up again as she shies her look away from Clarke’s.

“Possessive.” Lexa says the word like she can taste it and Clarke’s eyes twinkle with her smile. After Clarke has finished her water she seems to toss the bottle aside, so she can tip Lexa’s chin up and toward her, so their eyes meet again. “I don’t mind.” She mumbles, and Lexa feels her heart rate increase in the way it always does around Clarke.

“Let’s dance.” Lexa says instead of acknowledging the statement and goes to step back but Clarke pulls her forward to press a light peck to her lips, quick and fast, she thinks Clarke is trying to comfort her.

Lexa’s lips tingle nonetheless and she licks them when Clarke backs up enough to grin as widely as she can at her. “Yeah, let’s dance.”

 

***

 

“That girl is staring at you.” Clarke states calmly, eyes trained on a specific person. Lexa looks up from her water bottle to follow Clarke’s gaze, but she can’t tell who she’s looking at. All she sees are a blur of bodies, people dancing, people laughing, people playing games. She doesn’t notice anyone staring, but then again, Lexa thinks her vision is slightly blurred right now. In fact, she kind of wishes she had her glasses. “What girl?” She squints her eyes as if that will help her locate whoever Clarke is talking about, but it only makes her vision worse.

“Don’t sound so eager to find out.” Clarke teases and shoves her shoulder with a roll of pretty blue eyes.

“I don’t care.” Lexa responds and goes back to playing with the label on her water bottle, finding more interest in that than in whatever girl is supposedly staring at her.

But then Clarke is speaking again. “I’m going to go talk to her.” She says with slight determination and Lexa can’t help the frown that attaches to her own mouth. She doesn’t exactly want Clarke to leave her, she has to stay by Clarke… to protect her, to keep her happy. She can’t do that if Clarke runs away.

She pouts, and her hands reach possessively for Clarke’s waist to pull the blonde against her body. “Why?” comes out instead of her _“please don’t go”_ a drunk Lexa seems to be as clingy as Clarke but then again… Clarke has seen Lexa drunk before, so this isn’t anything new.

Clarke only leans into Lexa’s affectionate touches. “Want to know who she’s staring at.” She says it in a solid steady tone for how much alcohol she has consumed, and Lexa almost worries she’s drunker than Clarke, which was not the plan. She can’t be drunker than Clarke, she’s been making her drink water every twenty minutes. She’s supposed to take care of her tonight.

Lexa frowns even more at the thought of Clarke going after some girl who’s staring at… her? Clarke? Who did Clarke say she was staring at again? Lexa’s mind can’t keep up, already distracted by the label on her water bottle again, and the feel of Clarke’s body still against her own. “Who is she staring at?” Lexa mumbles with a squeeze around Clarke’s hip and a tear to the label on her empty water bottle.

Clarke turns her head toward her and Lexa giggles slightly as the motion makes her hair smack into Lexa’s cheek. She brushes at the skin it had tickled before trailing her fingers into Clarke’s soft blonde hair, getting distracted by the long strands slipping between her fingertips that she almost misses Clarke’s answer. “You Lexa, how much have you had?”

Lexa only shrugs before she trails her eyes back out at the crowd to try and find this person again. She notices someone leaning against the opposite wall from them, who is in fact staring in their direction, but Lexa is pretty sure she’s staring at Clarke. Everyone is always staring at Clarke, because Clarke is pretty and fills the room full of sunshine and Lexa can’t imagine staring at anything else. “You’re being ridiculous, if you’re talking about her. She’s staring at you. Everyone is always staring at you.” She informs the blonde in a soft slur, tangling her fingers in soft strands of hair again and getting distracted and focused as they slip between her fingertips.

Clarke rolls her eyes at that and grabs Lexa’s hand that keep playing with her hair to hold it, so Lexa moves her fingers against Clarke’s. “I’m pretty sure every girl at this party tried to steal you away from me while we were dancing.” Clarke seems to inform her with a slight edge to her tone, but Lexa doesn’t know why she’d sound like that.

She looks at her with genuine confusion. “You have that mixed up.” Because she in fact remembers their dancing very well, and how many times she had to pull Clarke back against her body so random people walking up to them knew that Clarke was dancing with her and would be dancing with no one else while Lexa was with her.

Clarke squeezed her hand to try and get her attention again. “I don’t, you wanna bet?” Blue eyes twinkle with what must be slight mischief as she gazes into Lexa’s eyes.

Lexa scrunches up her nose with even more confusion. “Bet what?”

Clarke released Lexa’s hand to tap a finger to her nose, making Lexa scrunch up her nose again right after she’s relaxed it. “I bet she’s staring at you. And I’m going to go find out.” She sounds so determined, strong and sturdy. Her voice soft and even and so pretty that Lexa temporarily forgets what they’re even talking about.

It takes her a moment to catch back up, but Clarke seems patient to wait for her, those pretty eyes move back across the room to stare at the girl staring at them. “What are you betting?” Lexa rolls her eyes and Clarke looks back at her to stare at her long and hard as she thinks.

Her eyes light up the moment she thinks of something. “A kiss, a kiss if I’m right, a kiss if I’m wrong.” She grins widely at that and then giggles, and Lexa thinks maybe they’re both just as drunk as the other because that really didn’t make any sense to her.

“That’s not how bets work.” Lexa calls after her as she pushes off the wall to head in the direction of the girl that’s supposedly staring at her. She grumbles and pushes off the wall as well to follow her. She loses Clarke in the crowd somewhere and has to shove through bodies in the general direction she remembers seeing the girl they had been discussing.

She finds them eventually, popping up a few feet away from the girl Clarke is now talking too, her voice spiking loud enough for Lexa to hear it, especially when she says her name. “Oh yeah, where’s Lexa?” The girl says it in a low annoyed tone that Clarke seems taken aback by.

She flinches and blinks at this girl like that’s not something she had expected her to say at all. Lexa isn’t sure what the conversation they’re even having is. What did Clarke ask in the first place? “Lexa?” Clarke says it like she’s confused, and her eyes shoot behind the girl toward Lexa before shifting back to her.

“You’re girlfriend?” The girl seems invested in that information. Lexa doesn’t think she even recognizes this girl and is sure she doesn’t even go to the university. Then again, Lexa isn’t that social, so it’s not like she’d know.

Clarke looks shocked at the wording. “Lexa and I are just friends.” She states, and Lexa decides to stay where she is out of the line of vision of the girl. She flinches at the statement, a small “friends don’t kiss each other” leaves her mouth before she can stop it but Clarke isn’t nearly close enough to her to hear it.

“Sure about that?” The girl’s tone seems to drastically change than to something flirtier and Lexa can feel her stomach twist with that same green monster that has been arriving all night as Clarke begins to frown.

“Why?” She snaps and the girl’s demeanor changes. Clarke mumbles goodbye to her after that, catches Lexa close by and grabs her wrist as she walks them back to their side of the room. The girl walks off as well and Lexa frowns as Clarke seems to rest against the wall again. “What happened?” She asks as Clarke appears more annoyed than she was before, and Lexa isn’t sure why she would be.

“She was staring at you.” Clarke says it like she’s infuriated, crossing her arms along her chest.

Lexa shakes her head a bit violently from side to side. She may be drunk but she can still understand conversation… well most of it. “That’s not what it sounded like to me.” She slurred out in an unconvinced tone as Clarke shoots her a slight glare.

“I asked her if she was staring at me and then she asked where you were. She was definitely staring at you.” Clarke taps her chin as if it’s a hard thing to figure out “She was pretty.” Clarke then pouts at that thought for some reason.

Lexa finds herself rolling her eyes and frowning at that, the ugly green monster arising again and stirring in her gut. “She wasn’t that pretty.” She grumbles with a pout and also crosses her arms along her chest.

“You don’t think so?” Clarke stares at her for a long while but Lexa doesn’t meet her eye.

After a moment she sighs. “I guess she was.”

She isn’t looking at Clarke to see her reaction but eventually she hears her sigh and then Clarke is tugging at her sleeve. “Forget her, I win, kiss me.”

Lexa quirks an eyebrow up at her at that, the blonde’s blue eyes following the action as it often does when Lexa looks at her like this. “You didn’t even bet right in the first place.” She protests though she doesn’t exactly know why she’s protesting. She loves kissing Clarke.

“So?” Clarke pouts at that and moves in front of Lexa, pressing into her slightly as she slips her arms around her waist.

“I want more alcohol.” Lexa says and slips away from Clarke who pouts even more.

“You owe me a kiss now.” She shouts as she chases her into the kitchen.

 

***

 

“You look really pretty.” Clarke mumbles in her ear. The sky is dark now, and they can’t really see many stars, so the excuse Lexa had made to come out here was already becoming irrelevant, but she needed to get away. Drunk or not drunk, that apartment was full, and Lexa was uncomfortable with it. Clarke seemed to know though, she supposes that it’s easy for Clarke to read her now. Lexa’s always felt like an open book when it comes to her, but they’ve gotten so close that she’s pretty sure she’s fully exposed. Clarke not even batting an eyelash when Lexa made the lame excuse of wanting to see the stars outside is indication enough that she knows Lexa needs the air and she doesn’t seem to mind at all.

“You’re pretty.” Lexa says quietly as her eyes scan the sky for a last-ditch attempt to spot a constellation. She thinks she may be less drunk than she was an hour ago, but her vision still isn’t the best and she’s pretty sure she can see the earth spinning.

She isn’t sure when Clarke exactly placed her hand on the skin of her lower back. She doesn’t remember feeling it a second ago but based off of Clarke’s light kisses below her ear she thinks maybe she’s had it there possibly since they came outside while Lexa was busy looking at the sky, Clarke hadn’t bothered to look at it at all.

She groans slightly when Clarke’s teeth tug at her earlobe and she knows Clarke must be drunker than she is, refuting her earlier worries of being the more unstable one when Clarke needs her to be the stable one. “Whatta you doing?” She asks as Clarke’s palm presses across her skin to curve around her hip and pull her closer, maybe to steady her because Lexa thinks she might be swaying but she can’t be sure.

Clarke flutters her eyelashes in her direction and Lexa raises her hand to trail her fingertips across her cheek. “You just look so beautiful, I can’t keep my hands off you.” If Clarke has slurred her words at all Lexa must miss it because her voice sounds so steady and raspy that she’d rather melt at the tone.

“Are you flirting with me?” She mumbles with light confusion, like that’s not remotely possible. Like they haven’t spent the last few months doing exactly that, like they haven’t spent all night doing exactly that in front of everyone here.

Clarke bats her eyelashes at her again and mumbles quietly, in a teasing tone. “You scared everyone else away.”

The response is not something Lexa wants to hear. The comment isn’t unlike Clarke, and on any other day when Lexa hasn’t been feeling so emotionally strained and now drunk she probably wouldn’t take it so seriously, but for some reason, on this particular night… Lexa just wants to hear Clarke tell her for once, that she’s the one she _wants_ to flirt with.

She pushes Clarke off of her for a second, just to breathe and try and clear her drunk head and steps back from her to lean against the railing. Clarke does not immediately invade her space and Lexa thinks that’s a good thing because she’s too drunk to not get distracted.

“What did I say?” She doesn’t look at Clarke as she tries to think clearer. Part of her wants to tell Clarke that it’s nothing because it’s not fair to ruin the pace, part of her is drunk enough to not care about the pace at all.

She doesn’t trust herself to say anything, so she doesn’t.

“Lex,” Clarke’s voice has changed again, no longer steady and raspy but instead a soft plea, a higher octave but still quiet. Almost a whine but not quite as annoying. She still doesn’t touch, and Lexa is momentarily grateful.

“Need more water.” Lexa whispers quietly instead of answering and goes to leave but then Clarke does touch, just barely, a graze at her hip again that makes Lexa stop and look at her.

“I will get it. Stay, think.” And then that touch at her hip transfers to her cheek and Lexa is back to melting. “Tell me what you’re thinking when I come back?” She seems desperate to know and Lexa wonders if her feelings aren’t as obvious to read as she thinks they are.

No, they are obvious, Clarke just doesn’t believe them.

She watches her disappear past the sliding glass door and into the crowd of bodies, losing her as soon as she blends with them and turns back away to look at the sky that she can’t find constellations in. She grips the railing and wishes she could see them, just for a second. She thinks even just a second is enough to clear her mind enough.

She should spend this moment alone thinking. Thinking long and deep and hard about what she’s supposed to say but Lexa’s honestly too drunk to think like that and Clarke… Clarke is too drunk to hear thoughts like that. Tonight, should not be a night where they do the same thing they always do, and that’s think. Think and think and think and over think until nothing happens. All they ever do is think, but what are they even thinking about?

If Lexa was less drunk, she’d think of an endless list of answers for that question. But the fact is, she is drunk… very drunk, and so she cannot think of even one answer to that question.

When Clarke reappears with four bottles of water and some crackers Lexa reaches for the crackers first and it makes Clarke giggle in that soft playful tone she does that makes Lexa’s chest feel tight. And then she’s speaking, probably before she should, and drunk Clarke is there to listen. “I don’t want you to want to go home with anyone else.” She doesn’t look at her when she says it, she almost says it so quiet that Lexa can’t even hear herself say it. But she must say it louder than she thinks because when she does look at Clarke, Clarke is looking right back at her.

And she still has no idea what she’s thinking… she never does. “Let me help you.” Clarke reaches up, gripping her trembling fingers on the bag of crackers before lightly taking them from her and pulling the plastic open effortlessly and Lexa again is left to wonder if she is drunker than Clarke. That ball is jumping back and forth.

“Thank you.” She mumbles shyly when Clarke hands them back over and Lexa focuses too hard, happy they are Ritz instead of a different kind.

“I don’t want anyone else.” Clarke eventually says, and again, it’s mumbled so quietly that if the sliding glass door was open to let the pounding music on the other side pour out she wouldn’t have heard it.

Lexa looks up at her, still chewing on a cracker and it seems to make the blonde laugh before stepping into her space to brush her fingers along the corner of her mouth to whip away cracker crumbles that reside there. “I really like you.” Lexa says with a slight sigh after swallowing her cracker and Clarke smiles warmly at her as she grabs a water to undo the lid and hands it over to Lexa.

“I know.” She says back, steady again with that rasp back in her tone that drives Lexa crazy. She drinks the water, gulps fast enough that Clarke is pulling it away, so she slows down and then pouts slightly.

“I’m supposed to take care of you.” She nearly whines, and Clarke lets out one of those beautiful unrestrained laughs.

“Baby, we’ve been taking care of each other all night.” Clarke does that thing that Lexa loves the most, where her fingertips brush into the side of hair and pull it back just enough to graze the shell of her ear and Lexa is back to melting into a soft gay puddle, leaning into Clarke’s touch and staring at her like she never wants to see anything else but her ever again.

“I really like you.” She repeats again, and Clarke lets out another laugh so beautiful Lexa thinks she can hear music in it.

“You said that.” Clarke whispers when Lexa pulls her closer, enough to brush her nose along Clarke’s and hears her breath hitch in her throat. “Am I getting my kiss now?” She asks, her tone becoming lower so Lexa’s stomach twists with the sound.

“No, you didn’t win a kiss. That’s not how bets work.” She teases playfully.

Clarke begins to pout. “I won.”

“You didn’t.” Lexa brushes her nose against Clarke’s again.

“I want a kiss.” She whines, and Lexa can’t help a wide smile from overtaking her mouth. That one she knows Clarke must find contagious because she’s eventually smiling too. She leans forward, and Clarke stops breathing, brushes her lips against Clarke’s and then pulls back as Clarke presses in.

She laughs when Clarke shoves her away with a pout. “You’re such a tease. Towels and bed sheets and fake kisses, fucking brat.” She’s pouting even more when she grabs one of the many waters she brought out to guzzle some of it down.

Lexa can’t help but admire her and the way her hair whips back in the wind. She almost gives into kissing her, but she thinks maybe that if she starts at this moment she won’t be able to stop, and she’s not drunk enough to not realize that. She is drunk enough to almost not care about that fact and Clarke possibly is too, but at this moment, she still has some semblance of control… and thinking capacity unfortunately.

 

***

 

Lexa is in the middle of a very serious conversation… well what must be a serious conversation with Clarke’s friend… Harper? _Is that her name?_ Lexa can’t remember. She just knows the girl speaks with her hands a lot and Lexa can’t keep up with what she’s saying because she’s so focused on the hand movements.

She must be watching Harper too intently because she has no idea when Clarke ended up in her lap. She vaguely remembers the weight being added and wrapping her arms around her, but she doesn’t actually remember when she plopped herself there. Maybe it really hadn’t been that long because Harper’s hand movements slow and whatever story she’s in the middle of seems to trail off as her eyes meet Clarke’s.

When Lexa looks at Clarke she can’t exactly identify whatever look it is she’s giving to Harper, but it doesn’t look friendly and that’s probably why Harper makes the excuse of needing the bathroom and scurries off pretty quickly. Once she’s gone and Clarke is done seemingly glaring in her direction, Clarke’s arms slip around her neck and then Clarke is kissing her jaw and Lexa completely forgets that she was talking to Harper at all… or well… that Harper was talking at her.

“Dance with me?” Clarke whispers in her ear as Lexa tightens her grip when Clarke’s lips move across her neck and she tilts her head up slightly so Clarke has more room and stays where she is… she’d much rather not dance. She’d much rather leave, go somewhere more private, let Clarke touch whatever the hell she wants to touch.

She feels like she’s been parched for ages whenever Clarke touches her like this. Feels like if she doesn’t have her soon she may combust, and she doesn’t know how to slow that feeling down. It’s been getting worse, it feels even more suffocating when she’s this intoxicated. Perhaps it’s just as bad for Clarke, who’s eyes have taken on a permanent dark tint that much resembles the blackness of the night sky.

“ _Dance_?” Lexa’s eyes move to Clarke’s lips as she licks her own. She can’t think of what that word means in this moment, all she can think about is Clarke. Clarke, who’s breath puffs against her mouth whenever she breathes. Clarke, who’s eyes can swallow her into a black hole if she wanted. Clarke, who Lexa loves so much.

“Come.” Clarke demands softly, slipping out of Lexa’s lap to grab her hand and intertwine their fingers together. She tugs until Lexa is getting up, more graceful than she had expected too, and lets Clarke lead her to the soft sway of bodies. There’s no thumping base to this song, no loud vibrations off the walls. This song is soft, slow, a mix of strings and soft voices in the background. There is a floor full of people dancing close together and Lexa is elated when Clarke tugs her close in the same way to sway with her. She focuses on her movements with Clarke for a moment, just so she doesn’t step on her feet.

Clarke’s hands slip under her t-shirt to press against the skin on her back again when she pulls Lexa’s body against her own and Lexa shivers to the action, feeling her touch like fire travel across her body. She wants more touches, but she also wants this slow dance, so she tries to force the darker thoughts out of her mind and focuses more on the soft sway of their bodies to the rhythm of whatever slow song happens to be on in the moment.

Lexa is barely listening to it, the only thing she’s focused on is Clarke’s breathing. She can feel every breath in and every breath out based off the rise and fall of her chest and the puff of air that skates across the skin on her cheek. Lexa wonders if the erratic beat to her heart is due to all the alcohol or Lexa’s presences.

Lexa hopes its her fault.

They move for a while, with Clarke’s hands on her back, roaming to trace the end of the tattoo absentmindedly in a way that makes Lexa want to touch Clarke even more than she did before. Lexa’s arms are resting on her shoulders, wrists crossing behind Clarke’s neck. It’s dark in the room, save for weird lights flashing in different colors so Lexa can’t really see what Clarke must be thinking when she does pull back enough to look at her.

Clarke just pulls her back to the same position, until Lexa’s cheek is nearly pressed to Clarke’s and the blonde can mumble things in her ear while they dance. Maybe she likes the way Lexa shivers to her tone whenever she does that. She can’t help it; her ears are sensitive, and Clarke’s voice is sexy when it’s so low and Lexa’s been turned on all night.

“Slow dancing is a good move.” Clarke slurs in her ear and Lexa feels a giggle escape her before she can stop it, which must make Clarke giggle because she can feel it travel through her and can hear the sound in her ear.

She backs up enough to meet Clarke’s twinkling dark eyes and another giggle escapes her. “I’ll try and remember that.” She says it like she’s teasing, in a sense she is. The thought now, of them hiding behind some ruse learning how to impress some girl that isn’t Clarke is so funny to Lexa in this moment. How did Clarke ever fall for it?

Clarke pulls Lexa back into the same position, so her mouth is back by her ear again and she mumbles the words of the song there, softly singing along and making Lexa’s mind fog over and heart expand. She grips Clarke, sways with her, falls in love with her voice when she sings to her.

_This is enough._

 

***

 

The slow song ends far too soon for Lexa’s liking. But it doesn’t seem to bother Clarke who keeps her close as she presses a light kiss to the tip of her ear before she’s whispering in it again. "Wanna go back to my place?" And Lexa is drunk enough to hear something else in it. Something suggestive that makes Lexa’s stomach twist with anticipation.

Or maybe it isn't that Lexa's drunk. Maybe it's because Clarke's tone really is that low. Clarke's eyes are surely that dark, Lexa knows she's not hallucinating it. Her touch is possessive and the way that she’s been touching her throughout the night is more than friendly. Maybe Lexa is right to hear the proposition in her tone.

She wishes, just for a moment, that she could be absolutely sure though.

"Yeah" Lexa mumbles as she lays her head on Clarke's shoulder, their bodies still swaying even as the loud thump of an upbeat song travels through the party. Though she is much anticipating a different kind of touch, she can’t help but find comfort in the sway and Clarke’s gentle hold. She could rest here all night, as long as Clarke is with her, she doesn’t mind what they do. Even when she’s feeling desperate for something more intimate.

Clarke smells pretty, and her hair is soft, and Lexa is mesmerized by the glittery skin of her throat, reaching up with her fingertips just to touch and trace. She feels Clarke shiver and it has her smirking because she really loves it whenever Clarke seems to react to her in much the same way that she often reacts to Clarke. She’s often not very good at hiding her own reactions, at least, she doesn’t think she is. So whenever Clarke is fairly obvious about her own she feels as if it levels the playing field a bit. "Let’s go." Clarke mumbles quickly, voice rough as she tugs Lexa from her comfortable position to drag her toward the door. She thinks that maybe it's too early to leave but can't imagine staying if Clarke wants to go, though the blonde gives her no time to say goodbye to anyone else, she seems to be in a rush and Lexa doesn’t fully know why.

There's a breeze outside that has Lexa shivering and as Clarke is dialing a number she takes enough notice and is pulling Lexa back into her arms and back against her body. Lexa finds her head resting on her shoulder again, fingertips back to tracing skin, shivering at the vibrations she feels from Clarke's voice when she speaks into the phone.

She doesn't realize that Clarke had called a cab until she's urging Lexa, who must have started to fall asleep, into the back seat of one. She's almost scared Clarke isn't going to come with her and reaches for her as she slips inside. But Clarke doesn't leave her, no Clarke follows her onto the backseat and grabs the hand reaching out for her, placing a kiss on the backside of her hand for what must be comfort before she buckles herself in with her free hand.

Lexa forgets about buckling as Clarke's thumb traces the skin of her hand and the blonde only seems to find that amusing, releasing a giggle as she buckles Lexa in for her. Lexa kisses her cheek to thank her and it makes Clarke giggle again, a cute little adorable sound that has the blood pumping through her veins.

She loves that sound.

The cab ride is quiet save for the moment Clarke speaks to tell the guy driving where to go. The entire ride is littered with lingering glances and brushes of skin and a feeling that Lexa’s drunk brain can't quite identify. She's sure she wouldn't be able to identify it even sober. She just knows she feels like something needs to be said or done she just can't quite figure out what.

They arrive quicker than Lexa expects and she's climbing out of the cab only to turn around and help Clarke out as she seems to stumble a little and she falls into her body as she pulls herself from the car.

Lexa feels her breath catch and she suddenly understand the feeling. The same one that's always there and has been there all night. She knows what she wants to say but she also isn't drunk enough to say them. She wants Clarke to want to hear them and she just doesn't know if Clarke wants what she wants.

There’s a look deeply rooted in dark eyes when Lexa meets her gaze as she holds her steady, even if she’s fairly unsteady herself. A look that says things that Lexa thinks she understands but can’t be sure of. But eventually, the blonde is blinking that look away and pulls away from her after a lingering moment to pay the cab driver. She's linking her fingers with Lexa’s again as the cab drives off and the blonde tugs her in the direction of the apartment.

Lexa is very aware that nobody else is home.

She wonders if Clarke is as aware of the emptiness of the apartment and every brush of their skin or breath in the dark they take around each other. She wonders if Clarke aches with the same fire or if she's burning all by herself. She thinks she will ask, just this one time. How much can it hurt? One simple question, one big inevitable question that they’ve danced around, especially in the recent weeks.

Clarke fumbles with her keys at the apartment door and Lexa tries to help her by grabbing her hips and keeping her steady when she sways but it only seems to distract Clarke’s concentration, dropping her keys on the ground and mumbling a soft “damn it Lexa,” like she intentionally pushed the keys out of her hand. Lexa backs up after that, only for a moment so Clarke can reach down and pick the keys back up and unlock the door.

The door swings open and Clarke is grabbing Lexa’s hand again once she’s seemed to accomplish her task of getting inside. Lexa squeezes her fingers and follows her into the apartment, kicking the door shut behind her, Clarke stopping long enough for her to push the lock into place before the blonde leads her to her room.

She can feel a nervousness suddenly stretching its way through her gut, speeding up her heart rate or making it stutter in place. She isn’t sure what to do now, she thinks maybe they’ve both drunk too much for anything else to happen, but she does know she’d like to address the possibility, address the feelings she should probably not voice until Clarke brings it up. She can’t help it, there’s a string, a line, a tall fragile glass on the edge of a counter and all it’s going to take to fall is the slightest tap or a slam of a door and Lexa just wants to control it. She just wants to know what to do.

They enter Clarke's room and Lexa's kicking her shoes off as she tries to think of how best to phrase her question without sounding like she's pushing Clarke to make a decision on being with her or not. This thing between them feels as fragile as it is strong, and she's scared to break it, much like that metaphorical glass. She’s afraid of hurting Clarke with any of her questions, with the power of her own feelings.

Everything feels overwhelming in this moment and when she looks at Clarke in the dark as she pushes the curtains to her bedroom open to let in the street light glow and the light of the half-moon she feels a bigger desire to cross the room and kiss her mind quiet. To touch and taste and talk later… there are so many other ways to talk and Lexa is aching.

Clarke turns from the window and doesn’t make an effort to head toward a lamp, instead somehow content with the darkness. It is too dark for a drunk Lexa to decipher what kind of look Clarke is giving her but after a moment she seems to speak up. “Do you want to shower?” Clarke is already grabbing a towel before she answers. They’ve been through this routine a good dozen times now, Clarke already knows the answer to that question.

She takes the towel handed to her instead of verbally answering and she decides that a whole shower to think about what to say or what to exactly do with her spiraling emotions is a good thing. It will give her the distance to clear her mind a little and maybe sober up enough to handle things better.

But even with that thought, Clarke’s eyes are just as dark as they have been all night, roaming across all her favorite features on Lexa and it makes her blood rush. So she steps forward, closer to Clarke, watches her breath catch, hears it even. She brushes hair out of Clarke's eyes and leans forward just enough to brush a light kiss against her lips before she exits, ignoring the twist in her stomach as Clarke watches her go, that dark look still prominent and there. A tingle to her lips that accompanies every lingering touch by Clarke, whether she caused the touch or not.

She wants to forget about words, forget showers and delicate situations and just for once leap but leaping is dangerous, leaping isn't Lexa as much as it isn't Clarke. So, she takes the shower instead and spends most of it wobbling through a routine as she tries to focus on forming a speech in her head, even if every idea she mumbles under her breath seems to go straight out of her head after she forms the sentence.

She only realizes that forming a speech has failed miserably when she's wiping the mirror to look at herself and realizes she can't remember anything she thought of to say. The sped-up beat of her heart feels harsh in her chest, and she’s nervous, more so than she’s ever been before around Clarke and she can’t quite put her finger on why outside of the possibilities of where else tonight can go.

They’ve had opportunities before and Clarke has turned them down, made some kind of excuse to avoid the issue or really just couldn’t emotionally handle it. Who’s to say that she won’t turn Lexa down again? Maybe the thrum of her heart is all for nothing, maybe Clarke doesn’t really want her, and she has somehow hallucinated every desperate touch and lingering glance.

Maybe she’s just really scared.

Lexa takes in a deep breath and grabs the hair dryer, turning it on and drying as much as she can, at least until the brown curls are slightly left damp before she turns it off and combs  through it with Clarke’s hair brush. She stares at herself again, keeps the towel around herself and almost wants to smack herself for thinking that trying this idea again is a good one.

Clarke is going to turn her down, dodge around her like last time. She shouldn’t do this, she should use her words. Lexa leaves the bathroom in her towel again and Clarke, who's sitting at her window ceil and staring at the sky immediately stands up the moment she steps out of the door.

Lexa stares at her and Clarke stares right back. The feeling that has been surrounding them for a majority of their friendship is back. It lays heavy between them squeezing the air out of the room, so Lexa can barely breathe the moment Clarke steps closer to her. Her movements are so slow, her eyes unwavering from her own and Lexa can't think about anything but her. She wants her, always wants her.

Clarke stands right in front of her, eyes leaving her own to slip around all her features again, down her body and Lexa watches her tongue peek out to wet her own lips. Her eyes are still so dark but Lexa wonders if that’s just a trick of such little light, though the bathroom light now floods the room enough to prove that, that is not the case at all. "Fuck it." Clarke breathes and in the next moment all Lexa feels is her lips pressing against her own in a kiss hungrier than any of the ones they've shared before. Deep and wanting and exploding in a small room with only the bathroom light to illuminate them.

She's shaking as hands tangle in Clarke’s hair, shaking as Clarke gasps into her mouth when she bites at her bottom lip. Shivers when Clarke's hands slide down her back along the towel, wants those hands desperately on her skin the way she’s wanted them all night, the way she’s wanted her. Stupid party, why weren’t they just here, doing this instead?

She moans when Clarke's tongue parts her lips, opens her mouth for her and melts at her taste. That fire in her body scorches and burns in ways she could become addicted to. Her heart crazy and rapid as the warmth settles between her legs and twists her stomach in a flood of pent up desire.

She feels like the entire world is ending and she only has these few desperate seconds to kiss her.

Her lungs burn but she doesn't want to part. She can't imagine parting when all she wants is to drown in Clarke's kisses. She can feel the warmth of Clarke's hands against the back of the towel and she almost want to beg Clarke to take it off her, to just touch her after all this time but that would require parting from Clarke and she doesn't want to do that.

She doesn’t ever want to part.

They both don’t seem to want to and it becomes a battle between them and air. Air that small gasping breathes don’t soothe, _fucking breathing_ … how can she even still do it after kissing Clarke like this?

Clarke is the first to pull away sucking in deep breaths even as she presses sloppy kisses to Lexa’s jaw, moving down along the bone. Lexa is breathing just as heavy with her hands tightening in Clarke’s hair when the blonde nibbles on her ear.

They breathe enough air to bring their mouths back together and the kiss takes off from the same place they left it. The only reason Lexa stops even for a second is to brush Clarke’s jacket down her shoulders and mumbles a soft “can I take this off?” into her mouth.

Clarke just nods and pulls Lexa’s body tighter against her own before she releases her hold on her to allow the jacket to drop to the ground. Lexa fumbles with the end of Clarke’s shirt, blind and brain muddled in desperate kisses before she is gasping in another breath and mumbling again “can I take this off?” as she tugs at the end of the shirt and again Clarke just nods and lifts her arms as she tries to keep kissing her. They can’t stop kissing, they both can’t seem to stand more than a few seconds of not kissing each other, at least in this moment. So Lexa hand’s slip under the shirt to feel along Clarke’s skin as she pulls it off but she pulls it off too fast to really admire the softness of her body, flinging it away from them so it lands somewhere across the room, but where, Lexa can’t be exactly sure because once the shirt is off, Clarke’s lips are back against her own.

She shudders at the warm feeling of Clarke’s body and whines slightly when Clarke pulls her mouth away from her. “Can I take this off?” She seems to take on a more serious tone as her own fingertips dance along the knot done in the towel to keep it together. Lexa’s hands are shaking too much against her skin, she knows that, but she nods her consent.

She wants this, she wants her.

“Can you tell me that?” Clarke asks softly even with the raspy tone it’s taken.

Lexa bites her lower lip and Clarke’s eyes follow the action. “You can take it off.” She manages to mumble out and is surprised by the sound of her own voice, so soft and deep but sure. Sure, because she wants this, sure that she loves her.

Clarke only hesitates one more moment before she undoes the knot and release the towel from it’s hold on Lexa’s body, the large fluffy thing pooling down at Lexa’s feet and she feels shy, nervous, but Clarke’s breath is catching in that way again and her left hand is twitching as her right brushes down her bare sternum and her eyes follow and thoroughly examine the newly revealed skin.

“God damn it Lexa.” Clarke mutters softly and Lexa shivers as Clarke’s right-hand trails through the valley between her breasts. “You’re so fucking beautiful. I just want to draw you.” Her touch skates across her abs, fingers curving over every indent and her breath catches again as Lexa licks at her lower lip and watches Clarke admire her.

She’s never been looked at like this before. She’s never felt this desperate to move things along either. But at the same time, she wants Clarke to look as long as she wants. She wouldn’t even say no if Clarke asked to stop just to draw her. She might find it slightly torturous but not completely. Clarke makes her feel so… _beautiful_. Truly beautiful. She’s never met a single person that can make her feel that way. Make her actually feel fucking breath taking but Clarke… Clarke looks at her sometimes and she suddenly feels confident, like there’s not a thing she has to change, at least not right now.

How can someone like Clarke look at her like this? She still doesn’t know.

“Can I…” Lexa’s voice cracks and Clarke’s eyes shoot up from following the movements of her right hand to meet Lexa’s gaze, she looks slightly concerned, only for a second, but the moment their eyes meet she relaxes again.

“Can you what baby?” Clarke coos softly when she seems to notice Lexa struggling with her own words and the endearment makes Lexa’s knees weak.

“Can I see you?” She nearly whispers, and the question has a wide beautiful unguarded smile surface across Clarke’s face, stretching and brightening up all her features and suddenly this very dark room is the brightest one Lexa has ever been in.

“Want to help me get out of the rest of these clothes?” Clarke asks with a quirked eyebrow and an amused smirk that sends Lexa’s heart into a full fluttery overdriven mess.

“Y-yes.” Her hands are shaking still as she brushes them up Clarke’s sides to reach around her back and find the latch to her black lacy bra, licking her lips as she pops it open.

This seems to amuse Clarke more as Lexa’s hands move from around her back to help the straps down the side of her arms gently, brushing skin all the way and silently enjoying every shiver and goose bumped flesh she causes on Clarke. The bra drops to the ground next to her towel and its Lexa’s turn to have her breath catch in her throat as her eyes glue to Clarke’s breast, she’s not sure she’ll be able to look away even as Clarke chuckles at her.

“You can touch me.” Clarke mutters softly, in a sweet tone that rivals her rasp. She’s trying to comfort Lexa, trying to help her feel less shy because that’s how Clarke is with her. She’s considerate of her feelings, warm to her habits, affectionate even when Lexa is nervous.

Lexa blinks her gaze away from Clarke’s breasts, the peek of hardened nipples that beg for her mouth and meets Clarke’s gaze again. “I want you.” She says suddenly, and her voice is sure again, very, very sure. Deep and low, but mainly sure. She watches the recognition of her words register on Clarke’s face and in her eyes before Lexa closes the distance between them again and kisses her just as deeply as before, sloppy but affectionate, safe.

She feels home when Clarke’s bare chest presses against her own, moans at the contact of her nipples grazing against Clarke’s. Swallows Clarke’s soft moan when she reaches a hand between them to cup her left breast, brushing her thumb along a hardened nipple and the areola. Just touching to touch, to feel her. She’s warm and Clarke’s hips push against her own which reminds Lexa that she still has a pair of jeans to rip off her body.

She’s going to make love to her, she’s going to make Clarke feel good, feel safe.

Lexa’s lips leave Clarke’s to trial kisses down her neck, hard kisses that become marks whenever Clarke makes a different sound, raspier and deeper in her throat than other places. She grazes her teeth against different pieces of skin and Clarke whines at the sting before she soothes it with her tongue. Clarke’s hands are tugging in Lexa’s still slightly damp curls when Lexa kisses descend down to her right breast to bring the nipple in her mouth and brush her tongue along it, Clarke’s eyes fall shut for a moment but they open again to watch her as Lexa lavishes her with the attention she deserves, one hand on Clarke’s hip to hold her steady when she sways and another coming up to squeeze the neglected breast and tug lightly at the hardened nipple with her fingertips. The attention rips a deep moan from Clarke’s throat and encourages more tugs in Lexa’s hair even as she switches her mouth to the other breast.

Clarke’s hips push into her own with each swirl of her tongue, and the very light graze of her front teeth makes Clarke shudder in her arms. Lexa could stay here all night if Clarke would let her, but the insistent tugs in her hair become more demanding, a soft “Lexa,” and she knows she must move on, so she does with one last swirl of her tongue.

Clarke is breathing so heavy she can hear the pants in the room, Lexa’s kisses descend past her breasts and move down her stomach, brushing kisses above the waistline of her jeans before she pops the button open and pulls down the zipper. It’s Clarke’s turn to have the shaking hands as Lexa backs up from her to tug the offending piece of clothing down her legs, squeezing at her backside as she helps tug it down. Lexa now on her knees as Clarke grips her shoulder for balance and helps Lexa take them off, chuckling slightly as she nearly falls on top of Lexa when a pant leg gets stuck around her ankle.

Lexa slips Clarke’s socks off with it, brushes her hands along smooth legs and licks her lips as she takes in the scent of Clarke’s arousal. She can smell her, without even pressing her nose against her and it burns desire through every inch of Lexa’s body. She can feel her own wetness increase at just the thought of being in front of Clarke like this, she wonders if Clarke can smell her too.

When she looks up to meet her eyes and finds them dark and wide, gazing down at her there’s a silent question in her own. And even as Clarke nods, Lexa voices the question anyway. “Can I touch you Clarke?” Even if she had already given her permission, she wants Clarke to know she’s safe. She wants Clarke to want her just as much, Clarke to want this.

Clarke’s twitching left hand leaves her hair to trail down her cheek and the look in her eyes is full of affection and adoration and everything that makes Lexa feel so special. “Yes.” She says simply, and she seems to know the significance to the question, seems to understand why Lexa will probably keep asking it.

Lexa’s heart has taken off like a rocket, and the next thing to come off of Clarke is her matching pair of underwear, flinging them somewhere Lexa doesn’t pay attention to before she’s pulling the blonde forward, widening her stance and pressing her face between the blonde’s legs, admiring the soft tuff of hair there and glistening wet swollen lips.

Clarke’s hands in her hair tighten the moment Lexa’s nose brushes her clit and a small noise gets caught in the blonde throat as Lexa’s breath puffs against her. “Wait Lexa, lets get on the bed and,” whatever else Clarke was going to say dies in her throat as a moan rips its way through her when Lexa’s tongue brushes between her lips to take in the first taste and Lexa moans as well as it explodes on her tongue and invades her senses.

She never wants to be anywhere else, then surrounded by Clarke like this.

Clarke’s hips immediately press into her face and she has to hold the blonde steady around the hips as her tongue presses against outer lips, just to taste, and pushes in against inner lip and parts her all the way up to her clit, swirling her tongue around the stiffened bud and pulling it into her mouth. Her ears are greeted by the sounds of Clarke’s cries of pleasure, her scalp taking the pain of Clarke’s tightened grip and harsh tugs of her hair at every swirl and suck.

Clarke whines when Lexa’s mouth leaves her clit to travel down to her entrance, swirling around it to taste her and the blonde cries out her name in a rough demand when Lexa’s tongue just barely enters her. “Stop.” Clarke mumbles and Lexa does, immediately, pulling back and looking up at the girl she’s so deeply in love with, arousal dripping down her chin that she lets Clarke wipe away with her fingertips.

Dark blue eyes are hazy now, her legs shaky and Lexa understands why Clarke said ‘ _stop’_ the moment she looks at her.

It was almost over, and she doesn’t want it to end so soon.

“You’re really good at that.” Clarke’s raspy tone makes Lexa’s clit throb and she presses her own legs together when Clarke urges her to stand up. “Show me if you’re as good with your hands as you are with your tongue.” Clarke’s eyes twinkle slightly, even when they’re so dark with arousal and Lexa feels a growl leave her throat as she picks Clarke up, causing a squeal to erupt from her throat and places her gently on the bed, bringing Clarke into a heated dirty and deep kiss that makes Lexa’s head spin.

Clarke flips them over quickly so she’s straddling Lexa, her wet center pressing into Lexa’s lower abs and Lexa flexes, just to make them harder as Clarke presses down to grind against her, another low moan escaping Clarke and traveling into Lexa’s mouth. She does it again and Lexa does as well, but she slows Clarke’s hips when she gets more frantic.

“Hands, abs later.” Lexa grumbles and pushes her right hand between their bodies so that she can touch her. She wants to touch her, to feel her fall apart, she wants to kiss Clarke deeply when she goes, hold her as she’s coming down. She wants Clarke so badly that she can’t even think about the throb between her own legs, even if it’s increased enough to nearly be painful.

“You’re a bit bolder than I was expecting you to be in bed.” Clarke teases with a light chuckle and Lexa slips her hands between Clarke’s legs, catching her lip on a soft gasp.

“You thought about this?” Lexa asks naively.

Clarke laughs, bright and full and Lexa’s heart surges powerfully with affection. “I dreamed about this.” She admits, and Lexa flips them over again. She brushes two fingers, from Clarke’s entrance, to gather her wetness, which is spilling from her so much that she’s completely soaked between her thighs. The fact makes Lexa gush between her own legs.

Then she pushes them through Clarke, exploring the feel of her like she did with her tongue and watching the furrow of Clarke’s eyebrow at every brush of every slightly more sensitive area than another, before she is circling her clit softly and holding Clarke’s hips down with her own when they surge forward at the touch.

Clarke’s head falls back against the pillows and Lexa’s eyes attach to the vein in her throat as she watches it strain. She bends down to trail more kisses there, sloppy and wet and marking at every sensitive spot as she circles Clarke’s clit with her fingers, picking up speed and making Clarke moan deeply.

“Please Lexa, I need you inside of me.” Clarke cries out after a few seconds of this and Lexa is all too happy to oblige, brushing her fingers back through inner lips down to her entrance. But she stops again, right before pushing a finger inside to meet Clarke’s eyes, pulling back from lavishing her neck just to make sure, make absolutely sure that this is what she wants.

Clarke cups her cheek with her free hand again and brushes her thumb along her cheekbone in a gentle touch. “As beautiful and amazing as you continuously making sure I’m okay is. I’m going to need you to understand that I want you too and that if you don’t fuck me right now, I might lose my mind.” Lexa can’t help the wide grin that breaks out across her face, that one that Clarke always returns, and sure enough she does return it, right before Lexa enters her, slower than Clarke wants but enough to distract her to focus on that feeling alone.

She pulls out slow, hooking her finger against Clarke’s front wall so Clarke squirms below her before adding a second finger and pushing back in, slow and gentle. Clarke’s walls are already clamping down around her, she’s not that far off, hanging on the edge since Lexa’s tongue was on her.

She’s warm and wet and Lexa is marveled at the feel of her, half tempted to squirm back down the blonde’s body just so she can replace her fingers with her tongue again. She kind of wants to feel Clarke come around her mouth but she’ll save that for later, instead, this is what Clarke asked for right now and she wants to give Clarke everything she asks for, everything she wants.

And she’s definitely going too.

Suddenly she starts a pace that’s fast and hard and rips the most beautiful sounds from Clarke’s throat that causes Lexa to clench around nothing and clit to ache for some relief. She ignores herself, focuses on the sounds Clarke makes, on the feel of Clarke as she curls her fingers inside of her.

The sounds of her wetness creating noise in the room and it’s so dirty but it’s so hot and Lexa can’t take her eyes off of Clarke’s twisting body. The tilt of her chin, the vein in her neck, the arch of her back, her hands fisted in sheet as her hips grind into Lexa’s touches.

It takes one brush of her thumb circling Clarke’s clit, and one hook of her fingers against a spongy patch on Clarke’s front wall for her to fall off the edge. A high-pitched noise gets caught in her throat and turns suddenly silent as she stiffens below Lexa, arching completely into her. Her fingers get trapped by clamping walls that desperately hold her into place as the flood of liquid, evidence of Clarke’s release, gushes into her hand.

She keeps up her movements, hard and fast and softens them as Clarke slowly comes down, stopping when Clarke’s back drops back against the mattress and she’s releasing heavy pants as if desperate to breath in oxygen, like she had forgotten how.

Lexa doesn’t slip out of her right away, content for a moment, to let Clarke lay there in her flushed sweaty state of bliss while Lexa’s fingers swim inside of her. But eventually, she does slip them out because she wants to touch her, to caress her skin and feel her body below her hands because she’s been dreaming of this, aching for this for so long. She trails wet sticky fingers across Clarke’s skin and the blonde shivers as she seems to blink reality back into her eyes.

“I really don’t deserve you.” Clarke croaks out after a moment, only for Lexa to shake her head and kiss the admission away softly, in an attempt to remind her that she very much does.

“I really like you.” She says instead of what she actually wants to say, and Clarke’s eyes soften at her words.

“And I really want you on your back.” Clarke teases with a bright smile before she flips Lexa onto her back.

She can’t help but laugh at that but her laugh gets lost in her throat as Clarke’s hands brush against her abs, caressing again, gently to feel them, before Clarke is kissing her deep and dirty again and she loses her train of thought, the softness fading as her mind zones in on what she set aside as she focused on Clarke’s pleasure. Now Clarke was focused on her and it was hard not to feel the aching throb between her legs, the wetness that had spilled all over her thighs. She felt like a mess, but she wasn’t embarrassed.

She wanted Clarke to feel what she does to her.

“Please Clarke.” Her voice is low and breathy and deep, and her eyes shine as Clarke looks at her.

“What do you want baby?” Clarke asks gently her right hand caresses her cheek again, brushes through her hair and along her ear so she shivers, feels every touch travel to the place between her legs and she feels desperate, afraid of how much she wants her.

“I- I...”

“Take your time.” Clarke whispers gently because she knows when Lexa struggles, she knows when Lexa is overwhelmed, she knows what she needs. The same way that Lexa knows what Clarke needs, because she listens, they listen and pay attention and care about each other and the thought of this being one-sided feels so stupid to Lexa in this moment.

“I just want you, please.” Lexa voice cracks and Clarke just knows, knows that she can’t be specific, knows that it’s becoming too difficult to say anything, that its overwhelming so she’s slow. She’s slow as her left hand touches her skin, admires her abs again before she brushes along her breast and then she descends past her waist to brush through her wetness and Lexa chokes on air as the light graze of Clarke’s fingers sends the warmth and pleasure through every bone and nerve ending in her body.

“Is this okay?” Clarke asks softly, instead and begins to kiss down the column of Lexa’s neck as she keeps her touch light until she feels Lexa nod. She increases the touch and leans back up, so she can meet her eyes again. “Can you tell me “yes”? or is it too much?”

Lexa squeezes her eyes shut, just for a second as Clarke’s index fingers slips between her outer lips, parting her and feeling just how much of a mess she has become. “Y-yes.” Lexa mumbles out.

“Good girl,” Clarke whispers and increase her touch and Lexa can feel it everywhere, can feel her words muttered in the quiet, can feel her touch as it travels to circle around her clit, stiff and engorged with her need to be touched by her. “So wet for me.” Clarke coos softly and Lexa’s hips cant up on their own accord to meet the tortuously slow circles that Clarke is making. “Do you want me inside?”

Lexa shakes her head, so Clarke keeps up her touch on her clit, shockwave after shockwave, the more pressure the harder it is for Lexa not to cry out. “No.” She eventually answers, and Clarke increases the pressure, circling and grazing against her clit as Lexa’s hips push up to meet every touch, a cry of pleasure escaping her when Clarke presses directly on it.

She can feel her stomach tightening already, the warmth pooling at the base of her spine as she clenches around nothing and she knows she’s so very close already. Clarke really does things to her she wasn’t ever expecting. She never thought it could feel like this. She almost wants to cry but she doesn’t exactly know why.

She cries out again as Clarke presses on her clit and then she begins a pattern, speeding it up so Lexa is shaking and unable to hold in the sounds that leave her throat, sounds she’s never heard herself make before. Each spike of pleasure white hot and blinding as it shoots through her and she is desperate, her hips speeding up as well because she wants to reach the end. The release so close she can already feel effects of it leaking into her conscious, making her limbs feel fuzzy.

“Are you going to cum for me?” Clarke whispers in her ear gently before nibbling at the shell and Lexa can’t stay any longer. She loses herself to the flood of warmth, fuzziness and pleasure entering into every vein and fogging up her mind as she stiffens to Clarke’s touches. Crying out and holding onto Clarke as she falls, and she falls for a long time. She’s barely aware of when Clarke had descended lower to replace her fingers with her mouth just to push her into another abrupt orgasm after the first. She can’t even hear whatever noises she’s making, a soft ringing in her ears as her hips strain up and the feeling travels through her for what feels like forever, keeping her in bliss, floating away on clouds alone.

When she comes down enough to remember her own name she twitches away from Clarke’s gentle tongue that’s cleaning her up, overly sensitive that her touch now hurts slightly, and the blonde backs up and kisses her way back up her body which now feels heavy and she’s pretty sure she can’t feel her legs, or they’ve turned to led, either one.

“Are you okay baby girl?” Clarke mumbles in her ear and apparently Lexa still has enough energy to shiver at the skim of her lips though she lacks it to verbalize her answer, or even open her eyes. She only nods her head instead and feels a heavy sigh leave her when Clarke tangles her body around her. She falls in love with the press of Clarke’s chest against her own, and the stickiness between Clarke’s thighs that rest on her lower abs. If she had more energy she’d flex again and push up into her and encourage the blonde to grind, but she has none at this very moment. Mind still foggy and limbs still heavy.

There’s warmth still traveling through her, glowing through her body and making her feel light even as her limbs feel heavy. She doesn’t realize she’s smiling until Clarke’s fingertips trace along her lips. “So gorgeous.” Clarke mumbles in her ear against and Lexa works up enough energy to open her eyes so that she can meet Clarke’s. There’s a lighter shade to them now, and a softness there that always makes Lexa’s heart feel heavy with affection.

“You’re gorgeous.” Lexa croaks out and Clarke chuckles at her, bright and warm, leaning forward to kiss her softly as a response.

Lexa’s heart soars and she can’t think of anything better than being right here with Clarke.

 

 

***

 

It’s quiet and Lexa is exhausted because four rounds on a slightly intoxicated brain and an entire day spent with a crowd of people takes it toll on someone like Lexa. She realizes that maybe she’s clinging to Clarke too much, with her legs and arms wrapped around her to hold her close and her ear resting on her chest, right over her heart beat. They are a mess, Lexa’s aware she needs another shower, but she doesn’t want to part and she’s too tired to actually manage to move much.

Clarke’s fingers in her hair, tugging back knotted curls, brushing down to glide across the shell of her ear every once in a while, is too much for her to be able to fight sleep. It has her eyelids fluttering closed, even as she forces them open again, they find their way shut. Clarke’s heart is still racing but the beat is soothing enough that it also doesn’t help in keeping her awake.

Part of her doesn’t want to sleep, because this moment is one she has been waiting for. To be with Clarke like this, she can’t imagine anything better. Her dreams certainly couldn’t be, even dreams she’s had of Clarke, of this, don’t compare to what it’s actually like to be with her. Lexa just wants to stay in this moment, for as long as she possibly can.

“It’s me.” Clarke mumbles into the dark, quiet, but loud enough to bring Lexa from her thoughts and cause her eyes to open again. At first, she doesn’t quite get what she means or what she’s talking about. But then after a moment, she does catch on, she knows what it means, and her own heart is back to racing.

She lifts herself up, hovers over Clarke to meet her eyes and they shine with something, something new and bright and it makes that powerful emotion bubble up heavily in Lexa’s chest and she almost blurts out the words for the millionth time tonight, but she doesn’t. She holds them back. “What?” She asks instead, like she needs clarification when they both know she doesn’t.

Clarke’s fingertips glide across her cheek before slipping around the back of her neck to pull her down for a deep kiss, lazy and long and filled with Clarke’s knowledge and however long she’s known it. In this moment she’s made the choice to share that she knows it. She knows that Lexa wants to be with her, and Lexa thinks she can feel it, that this is Clarke way of saying she wants to be with Lexa right back.

“It’s me.” She mumbles against her mouth and Lexa’s heart starts to ache with this love, too big, too massive, but still perfect. She can’t even remember what it’s like to not be in love with her anymore. She isn’t sure she wants to remember. She was merely incomplete but now, in this moment, she is whole. “It’s me.” Clarke repeats again and laughs, breaking the kiss, so Lexa glides her kisses down her jaw. She’s too tired for another round, but she wants nothing more than to be here with Clarke for as long as she possibly can, to communicate that it will always be Clarke, no matter how much time and space lays between them. In every life, it will always be Clarke.

“It’s you.” She mumbles in her ear and feels the blonde shiver and looks at her again when she smiles that bright smile that makes Lexa feel like the sun is right in their room alone. She traces the smile with her fingertips until Clarke leans forward to kiss her again and then her fingers slip away to trace the skin down her neck.

She doesn’t know how long they kiss, but long enough that the dreaded enemy of air starts fighting another battle again that forces them apart to gasp in the breaths. They don’t continue to kiss, instead Lexa finds her head back in the position over Clarke’s fast beating heart and Clarke’s hands glide through her hair again, only stopping when she must start to fall asleep.

It’s quiet again as Lexa smiles in the dark. “It’s always been you.” She says and by the way Clarke slips her arms around Lexa to pull her tighter, even though she can’t get much closer, proves that she understands exactly what Lexa is trying to say to her.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Take the fluff *throws it at you*

“Lexa,” Clarke mumbles into her ear and she can hear her but she’s still dreaming. All she can feel is confused, a soft grumble leaves her chest to inform whatever is trying to wake her up to leave her alone as she snuggles further into the pillows below her. “Lexa,” comes her name again but this time it follows soft kisses down the back of her neck as fingertips part the hair covering the skin, pushing the curly strands to the side.

She groans again, a pleasant warmth traveling through her at each press of lips as they travel down the back of her neck and across her shoulder blade. She becomes conscious enough, a furrow to her brow as she feels Clarke’s fingertips travel down her spine, following the tattoo. “Clarke,” She protests slightly, a scratchiness to her tone that keeps her voice low and quiet. There’s a soft pounding in her head but when she opens her eyes it is only dark in the room.

“I wasn’t going to wake you up,” Clarke mumbles into her shoulder and Lexa blinks a few times in the fuzzy darkness as she begins to process reality. “but I can’t help wanting to touch you.” She mumbles the rest in her ear, lips pressed to the shell as she whispers it and Lexa shivers, feeling the touch travel down her spine, she licks at her lower lip and turns around so that she’s facing Clarke in bed, barely seeing her as her eyes still adjust to the darkness.

“What time is it?” She mumbles out in her croaky tone and she thinks she sees Clarke smile at her as soft hands travel around her sides. Lexa’s mind wakes up more as Clarke’s body presses into her own, Clarke’s very naked body against her naked body and a smile breaks out on her face that Clarke must be able to see, she must have been up awhile.

“It’s around ten in the morning. You’ve been sleeping forever.” Clarke presses closer to her, runs her nose along her jaw before kissing down her neck softly and Lexa shivers again, letting her own arms wrap around Clarke to hold her close.

“This was real.” Lexa nearly laughs but the low throb in her head informs her enough that loud noises isn’t something she’d like to hear right now.

“You’re going to say something cheesy, aren’t you?” She thinks her eyes have adjusted enough that when Clarke backs up to look at her she can see the blue and a slight grin on her face that must match her own. She wants to kiss her, it takes her two seconds to do just that and Clarke mumbles something into her mouth, but Lexa isn’t sure what she says as she presses her lips to Clarke’s and swallows her words.

When she does back up Clarke lets out a heavy breath against her cheek. “You keep surprising me.” She licks her lips and Lexa smiles slightly before reaching up to brush blonde locks behind her ear.

“Good or bad thing?” Lexa licks her own lower lip as she lets her right-hand travel between their pressed body so that she can cup Clarke’s right breast, smiling to herself when Clarke presses forward to plant another kiss on her lips.

“I’d say a very good thing.” Clarke bites at her lower lip and a soft moan escapes Lexa’s mouth as she squeezes the soft flesh in her palm. “You’re such a boob girl.” Clarke teases with that pretty grin that Lexa can see clearer now.

She shrugs and squeezes again, brushing her thumb across a hardening nipple. Clarke kisses her again, licking at her bottom lip until Lexa opens her mouth for her and digs her nails into Lexa’s lower back. She’s sure there’s already marks along her back from last night, Clarke’s distracted in her pleasure but Lexa doesn’t mind. She likes the thought of having marks on her skin left by Clarke, of Clarke quietly claiming her in this way.

When they finally part to breathe, Clarke travels kisses down her jaw and Lexa tugs at her nipple and her body shivers to the small breathy sound Clarke makes in the back of her throat. “How’s your head?” She croaks out against the skin of Lexa’s throat.

Lexa slips her thigh between Clarke’s legs and swallows her moan when kissing her again. “It’s okay, how’s yours?” Lexa brushes her fingertips against her forehead gently as if to caress whatever pain may be there away with the simple touch.

Clarke nibbles softly at her lower lip before answering. “It’s not too great, but I took medicine while you slept for a thousand years.”

“Sorry.” Lexa mumbles with a slight giggle and Clarke’s eyes twinkle.

“Don’t be, I’m sorry for you waking you up.” Clarke rolls Lexa onto her back so she can climb on top of her. “But now that you’re up.” She moves her eyebrows up and down in the dark and Lexa can’t help but laugh at that.

“Did you wake me up to have sex?” Lexa teases slightly and she thinks she can see Clarke blush.

She shakes her head and tries to put on an innocent look. “No… I woke you up, so we could take a shower together and have sex there, and then we can brush our teeth and have sex on the counter. We have a lot of time to make up for not having sex, you know?”

“Do we?” Lexa feels a laugh escape her again and Clarke presses a peck against her lips.

“Yeah, and then we can have breakfast, and I can kiss syrup off of your mouth and then we can crawl back into bed and pretend to watch a movie while I get handsy.” Clarke’s hands travel down her sides and she sits up to watch as she trails them along Lexa’s abs. “Or we can just stay right here.” Clarke leans down to press kisses to Lexa’s sternum as Lexa’s hands travel into her hair.

“A shower does sound nice.” And Lexa means it, she smells of their activities before, though Clarke’s shampoo mixes in well with that. She is still sticky though Clarke’s body doesn’t feel sticky against her own. “You’ve had one already.” She concludes, and Clarke sits up to look down at her.

“Let’s pretend I didn’t. Come.” She leans down to press another light kiss to Lexa’s lips that Lexa turns deeper causing Clarke to grumble as she pulls away. The dark look in blue eyes that Lexa thinks she’s probably going to be seeing a lot of Clarke lets her.  She lets Clarke pull her out of bed and toward the bathroom, their hands intertwined and squeezes it just to make sure she’s not still dreaming.

Most of the shower is productive, despite what had been said, Lexa is more focused on getting clean then getting off and Clarke seems to be more content with helping shampoo her hair, admiring the long strands even when wet. Her fingertips trace body wash down Lexa’s back, following the tattoo that Lexa knows Clarke is admiring. She wonders if even in simple moments like this if Clarke is still thinking about drawing her. Sometimes, with the way Clarke touches her, she imagines she’s already doing so in her head.

Things don’t escalate to where Clarke had suggested until it would be Clarke’s turn to bath, she seems to opt for ravaging Lexa instead and Lexa lets her. Not like she could resist when the blonde pushes her up against the shower wall. She’s still surprised this is happening at all, she’s still surprised this is real.

Brushing their teeth is done with heavy glances in the bathroom mirror where they’ve wiped the fog away and bumping hips, but when Clarke hops up on the counter its to brush Lexa’s hair and place soft kisses on the back of her neck after she whispers something about how beautiful she thinks Lexa is in her sensitive ears. She’s adamant on braiding the long strands after they spend some time blow drying it and combing it out and Lexa wonders if Clarke is becoming obsessed with every part of Lexa she sees, and how it’s even possible for someone to be obsessed with her.

She turns around once Clarke has secured the braid and she kisses her deeply, mainly to communicate that she sees Clarke in all the ways Clarke sees Lexa. But Clarke isn’t dressed, her robe is open and when Lexa presses into her, she can feel Clarke spread against her stomach when the blonde’s legs wrap tightly around her. It’s Lexa’s turn to ravage Clarke than, and Clarke lets her.

 

***

 

“Clarke,” Lexa shoves her hands away lightly, almost like she doesn’t actually want to, and it makes the blonde giggle who tugs on the end of her button up that still remains unbuttoned, due to Clarke constantly undoing all her work. Lexa lets her body meld into Clarke’s and sighs slightly when the blonde starts pressing kisses down her jawline again. Her own hands travel into soft blonde strands of hair, they seem to do that often when Clarke kisses her like this and Clarke doesn’t seem to have a problem with it at all. “I’m hungry.” Lexa grumbles slightly, biting her lower lip when Clarke’s kisses travel under her left ear.

“Me too.” Clarke breathes into her ear, low and breathy so a shiver runs down Lexa’s spine, a soft moan escaping her when Clarke’s hands greet bare skin, traveling past the button down to brush along her abs, along her sides and around her back to trace her tattoo that Clarke is obsessed with.

“You can have me after breakfast.” Lexa mumbles, another shiver raking its way through her when Clarke tugs on her earlobe. She pulls back to meet Lexa’s eyeline and it almost makes Lexa laugh to see how dark they are, again, like they haven’t spent all their time since last night wrapped up in each other.

“I can have you for breakfast?” Clarke quirks an eyebrow at her, an amused smirk surfacing along her chapped lips. They’ve been kissing far too much, the evidence on Clarke’s mouth where her lips swell slightly. Thoroughly kissed looks pretty on Clarke, but than again, everything looks pretty on Clarke.

Lexa lets herself blush freely here, in the safety of this room. “I’m really hungry.” She pouts slightly as she debates her options. Stay here with Clarke, maybe never leave, and starve to death. Or go and find food and face the world. She’s no doubt the world has some things to say to her. Everyone at that party thought they were together, everyone saw them leave together, and now. Now… they are together, aren’t they?

“We could go out and get breakfast, like a date, if you want to?” Clarke’s eyelashes flutter and the blush is renewed along Lexa’s cheekbones. _A date_ , with Clarke, a real date, one addressed and labeled as a date? Clarke is asking her on an actual date? She has to be dreaming.

“A date?” She asks shyly and that seems to amuse the blonde who winds up smirking at her even wider. She’s so pretty, she’s never seen Clarke look happier. Happiness looks great on her, she’s always managed to be as bright as the sun but something about the way she looks right now, still in her bathrobe with her hands all over Lexa and her eyes twinkling with her smile, she’s never looked brighter.

“Yes, that thing two people do when they really like each other.” She explains in amusement, giving Lexa this look, this look she’s received before but it’s more powerful now. Something in it, something strong that Lexa should be able to identify but she can’t quite put a name to it. She just knows that look is for her, reserved only for her. She’s never seen Clarke look at anyone else this way.

It stops Lexa for a second, the word love fixing itself into place though she knows she can’t say it, though she knows it’s too early, but god damn she can’t stop thinking it. It’s all she can think about. _Love,_ not like. “Really like huh?” It’s Lexa’s turn to smirk down at Clarke who ends up just rolling her eyes at her.

“Has anyone ever told you how much of a dork you are?” Clarke chuckles and leans in to nip at her lips. Lexa gets caught in the kiss before she can fully respond, hands moving from blonde hair to cup her jaw gently to keep it slow even though its deep. She thinks she won’t take one kiss Clarke allows her for granted.

“Once or twice.” Lexa breathes against her lips when they finally part and it has Clarke smirking against her mouth all over again.

“I guess I’ll let you put clothes on then.” Clarke sighs, pulling away from her.

Lexa watches her, immediately missing the warmth of her body against her own, before she goes back to buttoning up her shirt. Clarke watches her, taking a seat on her bed though Lexa thinks she should probably be dressing too as she can’t leave the house in a bathrobe. Lexa adjusts the collar of her shirt and approaches her. Clarke’s eyes follow down the length of her body and then back up to meet her eyes which has Lexa smirking again.

“Like what you see?” She asks with her own quirked eyebrow, feeling victorious as Clarke blushes.

“Very much.” Clarke stands to close the space between them again. “Breakfast later?” She tries again and there’s a flutter in Lexa’s heart at the thought that Clarke can’t keep her hands off of her. To think about Clarke liking her just as much as she likes Clarke… she really was starting to doubt this would happen.

“No.” Lexa lets out a loud laugh that has Clarke grinning from ear to ear. “Dress, I’m going to leave the room, so you have no distractions.” Lexa leans down to brush her nose against Clarke’s and the blonde wrinkles up her nose but lets out a soft giggle at the affectionate action.

“You can’t do something adorable like that and then leave.” Clarke whines as she parts from her, albeit begrudgingly on her part as well. She gazes at Clarke, admires the curves of her body and the light in her eyes and that soft hair. The marks on her skin, all along her neck like Lexa was some kind of leech. She grins wider at the thought that all those marks were done by her and Clarke wanted them. Clarke wants her marks the same way Lexa doesn’t mind that she can feel the scratches Clarke has left along her back.

Clarke likes her too.

She doesn’t say anything else because too much time has passed since her last comment and Lexa’s lingering gaze seems to entice Clarke into dropping her robe and winking at her as Lexa’s eyes get stuck on her chest for a moment too long. She forces the door shut behind her and heads toward the kitchen for some water to keep herself from barging back into the room and agreeing to forget breakfast.

It’s ridiculous, they’ve had each other all night, through their entire morning routine and yet… Lexa still feels parched whenever she looks at her. She’s really in love here, she’s not getting out of this one unscathed, but she’s known that one awhile. All she can do is brace for impact and hold on tightly for the rest of the ride. But right now, she can’t find the time to worry about it, to even be scared. Right now, it’s just her and Clarke.

 

***

 

Clarke won’t let go of her hand. They’ve held hands before, multiple times, but something about holding hands, in this way, right now, feels different than before. Maybe it’s because there is no ruse this time, there’s no disguise, no idea that it’s somehow just friendly. This is more. Clarke is holding her hand as someone who is so much more than just a friend and Lexa’s heart is honestly flying.

She opens the door to the restaurant for Clarke, but the blonde still doesn’t let go, just squeezes her hand and presses a kiss to the corner of her mouth as a thank you when she crosses the threshold. Lexa follows right after, fingers still interlaced. “We should get a booth.” Clarke says as they wait a moment in front of the hostess stand which happens to be empty.

“Okay but you’re not getting handsy here.” Lexa states firmly at the dangerous twinkle in Clarke’s pretty eyes. She’s quick to learn the looks now, she’s been seeing them all night, all morning. She’s starting to know what these looks mean the same way she’s been getting to know all of Clarke’s other looks over the span of the semester.

A pout graces her mouth. “Why not?” Clarke blinks at her and Lexa’s stomach turns in that familiar way and she can already feel the effect of Clarke’s question settling between her legs. Is it always going to be like this around Clarke? Part of her hopes so, another part of her doesn’t think she’ll survive it. She licks at her lower lip and looks away to maintain some control of her own libido.

She looks down at her feet as she quietly announces to Clarke; “This is my favorite restaurant.” And doesn’t look up to see the look she’s giving her right away.

“But if it wasn’t, then it would be okay?” Clarke asks in an amused tone and when Lexa looks at her again she’s still got that twinkle in her eyes. Lexa narrows her eyes at her in thought and that seems to amuse Clarke even more, her smirk turning into a full-blown smile. “Noted.” She winks, and Lexa feels the effects immediately travel through her body and settle between her legs again. Now is not the time to feel like this, maybe they should have stayed in and had breakfast because Lexa is proving to be quite weak against this Clarke.

“Noted? There’s nothing to note.” Lexa says in a slight panic, her heart rate already spiking at the mere thought what Clarke could possibly be thinking, would Clarke could possibly do that she knows she’d definitely give into because it’s Clarke and she’s already squirming where she stands.

Clarke’s still smirking when the hostess comes back. “Good morning, how many?” She says with a friendly grin, her eyes dropping down to interlaced fingers. “Two?” She assumes, and Lexa’s heart starts flying all over again. It’s a thankful distraction from the topic they were previously on, so she allows herself to absorb the hostess’s assumption.

“Yes,” Clarke squeezes her hand. “Two.” She grins at the hostess, that sunshine like smile and Lexa’s gets distracted watching her. She’s so pretty, practically glowing and Lexa aches in a pleasant way to think that she’s the one making her so damn happy. “Come on,” Clarke urges gently, stepping forward and tugging on Lexa’s hand that’s still in her own as she goes. Lexa follows her, looking like a lovestruck fool.

She is a lovestruck fool.

The hostess brings them to their table and mumbles something about how a server will be right with them just as Lexa’s about to slide into the booth seat with Clarke to follow her when a voice pipes up beside them. “Oh, look Luna, it’s Lexa.” Niylah’s tone is a disguised friendliness, something annoyed in it that makes Lexa automatically clench her jaw.

Her hold on Clarke’s hand grows tighter, more protective. “Don’t, you know what Anya said.” Luna protests softly, shying away from looking at them as she shoots Niylah a stern look from the seat across from her.

Niylah rolls her eyes. “I’m not doing anything, hi Lexa… so why did you bring her with you?” She tilts her head toward Clarke and Lexa steps forward to be in front of her, her posture straighter and the muscles in her jaw twinge. She’s not going to let anything ruin Clarke’s morning.

“Do you have a problem?” Lexa asks in a dangerously low tone that she doesn’t often use. In fact, she doesn’t think Clarke has ever even heard it before, because around Clarke, Lexa doesn’t have a reason to use it.

“No,” Niylah stands from her seat. “Of course not.” She lets out a heavy sigh and her eyes move to Clarke who’s somewhat behind Lexa before they travel back to meet Lexa’s eyes again. She isn’t sure what Niylah is thinking but there’s something there, a buried emotion that’s climbed it’s way up and is boiling over.

“I’m sorry Lexa,” Luna stands as well. “Anya’s gonna kick your ass.” Luna scolds Niylah as she takes ahold of her arm and begins to tug her away from the couple.

“I’m sure you’ve had plenty of warnings but,” Niylah’s eyes glance behind Lexa at Clarke, a frown gracing her face. “Be careful.” She says like Lexa needs to have any guard up at all around Clarke. She isn’t sure what’s going on Niylah’s head, she isn’t sure why the hell she feels this way about Clarke, but she is sure that she won’t listen to a damn thing the girl has to say.

Lexa’s temper snaps and she goes to lurch forward, but Clarke grips her arm and tugs her back. “It’s okay. I’m fine.” She mumbles in her ear. “I’m fine.” Clarke says again in a soft tone that makes Lexa’s grip on her hand relax, though her jaw does not. She can feel it starting to hurt as she watches Luna place a tip on the table and urge Niylah to leave with her, scolding her as they go. “Let’s just have breakfast okay?” Clarke squeezes her hand gently and Lexa lets her glare drop to look at Clarke. She reaches up to graze her fingertips against her cheek, Clarke’s eyes wider as she stares back at Lexa.

She kisses her, soft and quiet, tamed in a restaurant full of people, but enough to silently communicate to Clarke that she is here and on her side at all times. Clarke takes a second to open her eyes when Lexa pulls away and she looks almost dazed when she finally does.

A soft smile attaches back to her face. “You really are perfect, aren’t you?”  She mumbles softly, and Lexa shakes her head.

“No, not perfect.” Lexa smiles at her. “I just care about you.” She keeps her touch on Clarke’s cheek light. “I won’t let anyone ruin your day.” She promises her and Clarke’s giving her that look again, the one reserved only for her and Lexa can feel everything inside of her move with it.

She wants to say it but she bites her tongue and lets Clarke urge her into the booth without mumbling the words that desperately want to fight their way out of her. She wonders when she can say it, she knows now isn’t the time. She knows it would be too much especially after they’ve finally taken a step. So, for now she’ll have to find ways to say it without actually saying it so she doesn’t feel like she’s going to explode from holding it in.

She just thinks Clarke should know. She thinks Clarke deserves it, of all people, Clarke deserves it. She deserves to have someone be in love with her, someone genuinely care about everything that goes on in her life, someone that wants to protect her, to live life with her, to hold her at night when she has a nightmare. Clarke deserves to know that she has someone that wants to put her first, that she deserves someone that will put her first in every situation.

She hopes that someday she’ll get the chance to say it, to tell her everything. To tell her how she thinks of Clarke without Clarke being terrified of the words, without it being too much for Clarke to hear. With the way Clarke continues to hold her hand, the way Clarke orders for her at the restaurant because Lexa doesn’t exactly like to do it herself, the way Clarke keeps giving her that look every time Lexa so much as breathes near her, she thinks Clarke might already know.

 

***

 

“We can go home now, right?” Clarke says swinging their hands between each other and Lexa smiles, just a normal genuine smile because is this real? Is she really walking with Clarke Griffin, with her hand in her own, coming from a breakfast date, after the night they had? Is this absolutely positively real? _How?_

She shakes her head at Clarke. “Actually, I need to go back to my dorm.” She mumbles quietly, and Clarke’s eyes immediately meet her own, almost looking panicked for a slight second before she seems to mask it with something else. She wonders what that’s about.

“What!?” Clarke gasps, pulling Lexa to a stop so she can turn and look at her. “I thought you said I could have you after breakfast?” Clarke begins to pout and Lexa steps into her space, brushing her thumb along a pouty bottom lip that she has the urge to bite.

There’s something in her eyes now, something different, maybe it’s still that panic though Lexa doesn’t know what that’s about. She doesn’t have to know what it’s about though, to comfort her. “I just need to go grab some stuff and then I’ll come right back over. Besides Anya is still there and I have to tell her something.” She smiles warmly at Clarke and that relaxes her, even if Clarke is the master at hiding it, Lexa still knows she’s feeling something, something along the lines of panic, she’s on edge. She has been since they saw Niylah at the restaurant. It’s Lexa’s duty to soothe whatever worries that caused.

Clarke furrows her brows. “What do you have to tell her?” She asks, and Lexa traces the furrow of her brow with her fingertips, admiring how blue Clarke’s eyes are in the sunlight, even as she slightly squints do to the brightness. She loves her, she loves her so much.

Lexa leans down and kisses her and grins into it when Clarke’s hands come up to touch the side of her neck and grip her jaw. “I got the girl.” She giggles, and Clarke lets out a laugh against her mouth.

“I’m happy you and your sister are doing well.” Clarke’s hand slides up her neck to slip into her hair as does the other hand on her jaw and she starts combing through the curly strands that move in the light wind and playing with the small braids she had made earlier that morning.

“Me too. So, I’ll be right back, I promise.” Lexa leans down and kisses her briefly again, brushing her nose along Clarke’s and shivering as Clarke’s fingertips brush against her left ear. She goes to part from her but when Clarke’s hands drop from her hair she’s back to gripping Lexa’s own.

“I’ll go with you.” Clarke grins widely and Lexa feels her heart beat increase at the sight of it.

She nods her head only once because she’s not about to protest at spending more time with Clarke. “Costia is probably going to be there.” Lexa says with a sigh.

“Oh yeah,” Clarke sighs a bit. “For the record, I think she’s just into you. Like I said before. I don’t think she met to hurt you.” Clarke offers Lexa a soft smile that has the brunette returning one. Clarke is trying to comfort her about the whole situation. Lexa knows she still needs to talk about it to Costia, she just… hasn’t. She’s avoided it.

She quirks up a brow curiously at her. “I don’t think she’s into me.” Lexa shakes her head, sure the thought had occurred before as she took notice of a few things, but Lexa forgot about it and could only figure that maybe that wasn’t true at all if she was willing to go behind her back to Anya.

“She’s definitely into you.” Clarke tugs her close again, wrapping her arms around Lexa’s waist. “But you’re mine.” Clarke coos softly, in an affectionate way. “If you want to be of course, you still have free will.” Clarke teases and Lexa can’t help but laugh at her.

“I think you know exactly what I’ve wanted for awhile now.” Lexa brushes blonde strands of hair out of Clarke’s eyes and back behind her ear as the wind brushes them in the way.

“Lexa,” Clarke suddenly grows serious and Lexa lets her eyes lock onto Clarke’s blue ones, instead of roaming the features of her lovely face.

She quirks a brow as the panic resurfaces but Clarke isn’t disguising it. Clarke is trusting her with the emotion that she’s feeling, even if Lexa can’t understand, even if Lexa doesn’t get why it’s there to begin with. Clarke is still letting her in. “Yes?” She asks carefully because she won’t disappoint Clarke for letting her in. She never will.

“No matter what happens, what people say, what… I might say. I do really like you, I have for along time, maybe since I met you.” Clarke licks her lips almost nervously, like this confession is baring her heart to the world. Lexa takes it seriously because maybe for Clarke, it is. “And I really… I really just want this, even if… even if it’s not something I deserve or-”

“Hey,” Lexa cups Clarke’s face in her palms. “You deserve it. You deserve me. You deserve to be happy.” Lexa says seriously and watches blue eyes turn a shade bluer, glazing over slightly with emotions she doesn’t often unmask for anyone else but Lexa.

“Okay.” Clarke says in a soft tone, quiet and low just for Lexa and then she’s giving her a beautiful watery smile and Lexa’s pulling her closer to hug her, to hold her and let her know that it’s okay and that she feels the same way.

“Okay.” She communicates into her ear and Clarke squeezes her tightly. She’s afraid. She’s really afraid and it’s up to Lexa to prove to her that she doesn’t have to be afraid of her, of this, of whatever anyone else says to them. Because Lexa, Lexa loves her, and Lexa will always choose her first.

“Let’s go get your stuff.” Clarke sniffs slightly and pulls back from her to interlace their hands again so they can resume walking to their destination. Despite the amount of water that had accumulated in her eyes, Clarke didn’t let a single tear drop. Lexa wonders how she does that.

They walk in silence mainly afterward, a comfortable silence as they both squeeze each other’s hands every once in awhile and admire the scenery on their way back to Lexa’s dorm. People who know Clarke see them and wave, people who know Lexa make some effort. The truce seems to be standing outside of Niylah being still adamant on her warnings against Clarke.

When they reach Lexa’s dorm she’s not surprised to find Costia there who offers her a weak smile once she enters and even gives one to Clarke who waves at her. She sits in silence as Clarke asks Lexa questions about what she needs and what she can help with and watches them move about the room while Lexa collects things to survive even longer in Clarke’s apartment then necessary.

“Hey Lexa, can we talk a moment?” Costia asks, finally stand from her bed when it looks like Lexa is ready to leave and Clarke takes notice of this, grabbing Lexa’s heavy backpack.

“I’ll wait in the hall.” She tells her, giving her a gentle kiss on the cheek before offering Costia a weak smile of her own before she exits the room, shutting the door softly behind her. Lexa waits for it to click before she properly looks at Costia.

“Just don’t do anything like that again.” Lexa says before Costia even gets a word out and brown eyes soften into her own.

“I won’t.” Costia breathes out. “I swear.” She steps toward Lexa. “But I… It was wrong, I made a mistake because I was being selfish. I was… jealous.” Costia looks down at her feet and Lexa furrows her eyebrows together in thought.

“Jealous?” She asks quietly and watches as Costia nods her head.

“I feel like I’ve been so obvious about it but… I promise, it won’t happen again.” Costia licks her lips and offers Lexa a weak smile. “Can we be friends again? I really miss being friends.”

Lexa smiles back and reaches out to touch Costia’s hand gently, squeezing it in comfort. “We can be friends.” She tells her. “But I am with Clarke and you have to respect that.”

“Of course, I do. I promise.” She lets her free hand cross over her heart and smiles at Lexa. “Can I, have a hug?” She asks carefully and Lexa chuckles.

“Yeah.” She walks into Costia’s arms and squeezes her around the waist comfortingly. “I’ve got to get going but we should hang out.” Lexa parts from her and Costia gives her big genuine smile.

“Yes, we should, text me?” She asks carefully, and Lexa smiles back giving her a shallow nod.

“I will.” She says, grabbing her blanket and opening the door to leave. Costia watches her go and she waves at her as she pulls the door shut behind her. Clarke is leaning against the wall, glaring at the floor when she comes out. “What’s wrong?” She asks immediately, taking notice of her stiff posture.

Clarke jumps, apparently being deep in her head enough to not notice Lexa coming out of her room. “Nothing, I’m fine, ready to go?” Clarke forces a smile onto her mouth and Lexa frowns.

“Clarke?” She asks carefully and the blonde sighs.

“I’m fine it’s just… lots of people in this hallway.” She mumbles, and Lexa looks around, taking notice that a group of Anya’s friends are here, chuckling and glancing over in their direction.

“Let’s go.” She says. “I’ll talk to Anya about this and-”

“No, don’t do that, I’m fine.” Clarke heaves a groan as she pulls the backpack from the ground and around her shoulder. She takes Lexa’s hand and squeezes to comfort her though Lexa thinks maybe it’s more for Clarke’s benefit than her own. “Let’s just go home now?”

“Of course.” Lexa says without hesitation and walks quickly toward the exit of the hallway.

 

***

 

“I told you, that you didn’t have to carry it.” Lexa says with a chuckle as Clarke heaves the contents of her backpack up her shoulder again, looking almost pained by the weight and the slightly longer walk that she’s had to carry the thing.

“And I told you that I was going to and guess what, I did.” Clarke shoves her key into the apartment door and lets it swing open, dropping Lexa’s backpack into the threshold and letting out a sigh. “What’s in there, three bricks?” She asks incredulously and rubs her shoulder.

Lexa can’t help but laugh. “Close, textbooks.” She answers with amusement and Clarke lets out a huff as she takes Lexa’s favorite blanket from her arms and walks into the apartment with it heading toward her room. Lexa moves to follow her, but she hears her sister say her name before she passes the threshold of her room, turning her head to be greeted with Anya sitting on the couch again and gazing at her with a smile.

“Lexa how was your night?” She teases like she knows something Lexa doesn’t. She thinks she knows exactly what that look in her eyes means, and she can already feel her face beginning to heat up.

“Oh, we know how your night was.” Raven pops out of the kitchen with a wide grin and Lexa’s face turns red as the Latina is popping a grape into her mouth, chuckling at her reaction.

“Are you moving in so soon?” Octavia comes out beside her. “Lesbians do move fast.” She teases, and Lexa turns redder as she offers her a wink.

“Hey, leave her alone.” Clarke comes to her rescue, arms wrapping around Lexa’s waist and pulling her body against hers protectively, as if that can safeguard her from all the teasing they are both about to receive. She didn’t think about this part, but she really should have.

“Clarke,” Anya says with a serious tone and the blonde looks at her. “You’ve got a little something,” Anya touches her own neck to signify what she’s talking about and it’s Clarke’s turn to turn her own shade of red.

She doesn’t reach up to hide the marks, but she does bury her head into Lexa’s neck to hide from everyone else. “Are you guys finished?” Lexa asks, trying to sound unamused but the grin on her face kind of rivals that fact.

“Nearly.” Raven teases. “I’m glad you two slow asses finally managed to figure it out.” She seems genuinely happy for them, but Lexa knew that if anyone would be happy for them that it would be Raven. Raven’s been in their corner for a long time now and despite her incessant need to tease them, Lexa is grateful for her.

“Oh, shut up.” Clarke grumbles from her place buried in Lexa’s neck, her hold growing tighter around her.

“Yeah, it’s only been what, ten thousand years?” Octavia joins her friend, grinning when Lexa rolls her eyes.

“I was starting to think it would take them another twenty years.” Anya joins in, sipping her coffee in her hand. Her voice even has a hint of amusement in her tone, and that’s not something she shows often or even very well. Lexa is proud of her, so very proud of her for coming out of her own shell. She’s going to tell her that later when she sits down with her to have their talk about everything again.

Clarke comes out of her hiding place and meets Anya’s grin with her own. Maybe it’s shocking but Lexa can’t help but feel happy at the friendly interaction. She never thought she’d see it, let alone see Anya so happy herself. She’s still glowing, Raven really does bring out a side in her she’s never seen before. “Alright, I’m done being teased.” Lexa says confidently and finds herself bending to pick Clarke up who immediately squeals as she’s lifted.

“I didn’t know you could do that!” Clarke squeaks, arms scrambling to wrap around Lexa’s neck as if she fears falling, or Lexa letting her go.

“Of course, show off your muscles for your girlfriend Lexa.” Anya teases after her and Lexa grins over her shoulder at her.

“Oh, I will.” She carries Clarke into her room.

“Are you two not going to come out because I was thinking pizza for dinner tonight if you want to join the rest of us?” Raven calls after them.

“Pizza sounds great!” Clarke calls back before Lexa kicks the door shut with her foot.

“This isn’t the first time I’ve lifted you up.” She informs Clarke gently, her tone softening for Clarke, melting into the person she always is around her, especially when they are alone.

“Well no but those other times were sex related. Why are you so strong, you hide it so well?” Clarke coos as she lets her fingers slide along Lexa collarbones as if she wants to touch Lexa’s strength with her artistic hands and Lexa would be lying if she said it didn’t turn her on.

“Truth is I’m weakening. The only workouts I’ve gotten recently is doing you.” She deposits Clarke onto her bed in a heap that has the blonde squealing again.

“I guess we should do it more often, so you can keep your figure right?” Clarke huffs as she adjusts, propping herself up onto her elbows as she lays back, watching Lexa who slowly begins to unbutton her shirt for her. “And you’re an asshole for lying to me.” Clarke quirks a brow at her, even as her eyes get distracted watching Lexa’s fingers complete their task.

“Lying?” Lexa furrows her brows in thought, trying to comb through her mind for a time that she has ever lied to Clarke. Withheld truth, sure, lied… maybe not?

“ _Clarke, can you help me get this girl I like, I don’t know how to flirt_.” Clarke blinks her eyes at her as she imitates her, and Lexa finds her own eyes rolling skyward.

“I’m still very bad at it.” She tosses her button up onto the floor and Clarke’s eyes move down her body again, caressing all her favorite parts, her left-hand twitching with the desire to trace her. Lexa’s already licking her lips, that parched feeling coming back like a wildfire. How does she tame this? How does she control it? All she wants is Clarke, all the time, she’s not used to this.

“Bad at it, she says while undressing in front of me after lifting me up and carrying me to my bed.” Clarke narrates making Lexa laugh fully, a loud laugh that she’s sure can be heard beyond the walls of this bedroom.

“I believe you asked to have me after breakfast?” Lexa pops the button on her jeans.

“Oh god yes.” Clarke scrambles up from her position. “Stop doing that, I want to do that.” She smacks Lexa’s hands away which only makes her release another loud unrestrained laugh, though she lets Clarke take over. “I literally can’t keep my hands off of you.” Clarke groans slightly as if it’s a pain and Lexa’s smile widens.

She can relate.

 

***

 

One week.

One week is how long Lexa has been dating Clarke and she’s been on top of the world since. One week and they’ve probably had sex on every surface in Clarke’s room, serving to distract Lexa from her work, which is a pain since they’re growing closer and closer to finals. Though Clarke is normally distracting and has been so since they met.

She tries to ignore her, tries to resist the pull to her as she moves her fingers over her keyboard on her computer. She gets most of her work done when Clarke isn’t home, when she’s at the gallery or working at the coffee shop, but when Clarke is here, she should honestly just put her computer away.

But she’s got an essay she needs to finish, even if Clarke has her hand rubbing at her thigh, almost innocently, her eyes trained on the television in front of her like she’s not intentionally doing it. Hell, maybe she’s not intentionally doing it and Lexa is only starved for her attention, despite how much of it she’s already gotten.

She can’t keep her hands off of her.

She hates being apart from her for too long because she can’t touch her. She thinks that’s just as ridiculous as how much she always misses her when she’s away from her as well. She’s too attached, too caught up, but she can’t help herself. Right now, she can’t help herself. She let this happen and she can’t let herself stop it from continuing to happen. From staying right here, in love and addicted to everything that is Clarke Griffin.

She can’t think of a better addiction.

It’s not like all they’ve done is each other though. The number of double dates they’ve been on with Anya and Raven in one week can rival how many times they’ve had sex. Raven is really excited about their developed relationship while Anya is subtler about it. Happy for her sister, maybe even happy for Clarke as the two really seem to be getting along. But Raven acts as if she’s been waiting forever to see this day.

Maybe she’s just as happy for Clarke’s happiness as Anya is for Lexa’s.

The teasing never ends but Lexa thinks she never minds because she’s never been so comfortable in her life, so happy herself. Clarke seems to be just as addicted to her touch, just as addicted to her presences as Lexa is. Whatever is here seems to be as mutual as everything else, even if they haven’t properly said all they need to say out loud.

Lexa is thinking deeply hard about all of this, fingers hovering over her keyboard, when Clarke’s hand squeezes her thigh, and fingertips slip slightly to be more between her legs than before. Lexa’s legs are bare, so she feels every touch on her skin travel straight to her core and it’s too distracting. She’s not going to get any work done with this.

So with a sigh, she slams her laptop shut and leans over to place it on the nightstand carefully. Clarke does not take her eyes off of the television and that’s how Lexa knows she’s been doing everything she was doing on purpose.

She grabs the remote and shuts the television off and Clarke lets out a soft sound of protest turning toward her but whatever she was thinking to say must die in her throat when she meets her eyes. Maybe Lexa’s got that shade of green Clarke was talking about a few days ago, because that’s what seems to leave the blonde speechless.

“I’m debating between fucking you and painting you.” Clarke lets out a sigh and Lexa feels the words travel through her body and lighting her back up, waking her up.

“Perhaps you can achieve both in one night?” Lexa quirks a brow as if challenging her and Clarke’s eyes immediately darken.

“Let’s start with the first option then.” She says in that low raspy tone of hers and Lexa is melting, losing her breath when Clarke swings a leg over her to straddle her, fingertips slipping into her hair and tugging Lexa’s mouth to her own in a deep kiss that jolts Lexa’s nerves.

Her own arms wrap around Clarke and pull her body against hers, releasing a soft sound when Clarke’s tongue slips into her mouth and god, she’ll never be used to this. She loves this, her taste, her sounds, her smell. She loves being able to do this almost whenever they want. She felt parched for so long but now, now she can quench that thirst at any time because Clarke wants her just as bad, or she seems too.

Lexa thinks they really need to have a conversation.

Clarke grinds into her lap and the thought fades away, Lexa’s fingers dance along her hip before slipping into Clarke’s underwear and the blonde moans into her mouth when Lexa’s fingertips slip through wetness, so much of it and they haven’t done anything since Clarke got home from her shift at the coffee shop early that afternoon.

Lexa moans when Clarke tugs on her hair and her fingers brush small slippery circles around a stiffening bud. Clarke’s hips jolt to meet every brush. “I have something…” Clarke stops to take in a deep breath, her mind must lose track as Lexa’s tongue traces kisses down her throat. “I want to do to you.” And god her tone is so low and deep, and Lexa is shivering at the sound.

“Oh?” She leans back to meet Clarke’s very dark eyes though she doesn’t stop the movement of her fingertips, she only increases the speed as it seems to make Clarke lose focus. She’s still holding Clarke’s hip with her other hand to keep her in place, steady, as she rocks into her touches.

Clarke’s head falls back a moment as Lexa’s circles on her clit grow firmer. “Lexa, I want to try something with you, can you-” Clarke grips Lexa’s wrist to hint for her to stop and Lexa does, listening immediately and listening to Clarke take in deep breathes above her. “Have you ever used any toys before?” Her eyes are so dark when they open again, and god Lexa loves that look, she can feel it in every crevice of her body. The wetness between her own legs accumulating even more, she’s sure she’s ruined her underwear again.

Lexa furrows her eyebrows in thought at the question. “Like what?” She asks, and her own voice is the same as it always is in these situations. Her fingertips still on Clarke’s clit, though unmoving, Clarke breathing so heavy on top of her. She’s turned on so much she can’t really think of answers to questions.

Clarke grins at her. “Like a strap-on?”

“Oh,” Lexa’s face turns red before she can stop it and Clarke must find it adorable because she places a kiss on each cheek. “No… no I haven’t.” She stutters slightly and slips her hand out of Clarke’s underwear, pressing wet fingers against her hip again to keep her into place and grip tightly.

“Would you like to try with me?” Clarke asks softly without pressure. She looks genuinely curious and Lexa’s entire stomach flips at the thought of Clarke touching her in new ways, Clarke wanting to touch her in new ways. One week and she’s still not tired of her, one week and she wants even more.

The thought makes Lexa wetter. “You have one?” Lexa says incredulously.

Clarke laughs. “Yes, I have one. I would like to try it with you. I would be slow and gentle. You can say no though, if you don’t want to.” She brushes her own fingertips through the side of Lexa’s hair, brushing past her ear again so Lexa shivers just the way she likes.

Lexa licks her lips. “We can try it.” She agrees because honestly, she’s so turned on she’d probably agree to anything Clarke asks right now. She just wants Clarke to touch her.

“Are you sure?” Clarke asks carefully, eyes examining her face, looking for any signs of hesitation.

Lexa nods. “Yes. I trust you.” Lexa gives her a slight smile and Clarke’s gaze turns affectionate.

“We stop when you want, just say stop okay.” Clarke touches her cheek gently and Lexa leans into it before she’s nodding her head again.

But Clarke likes verbal answers, so she forces out a response. “Okay.” Clarke climbs off her and she watches her head toward her closet. Her heart thundering in her chest as Clarke riffles through the items in there until she finds a box. She squirms slightly when Clarke seems to sift through the box and she wonders what else Clarke has in there, how many toys Clarke owns. She would ask if she wasn’t already about to combust.

The blonde pulls out the items she’s looking for and Lexa watches her pull it on, watches her attach what’s supposed to be attached, watches everything with a dry throat, gulping when Clarke is done and standing beside her on the bed. “Still okay?” She asks affectionately, brushing strands of hair out of Lexa’s eyes gently.

Lexa gulps and gives Clarke another shallow nod. “Y-yes.” She stutters out again and Clarke knows how hard it gets for her to speak the more turned on she is, so the answering smirk is one of satisfaction. She’s shaking when Clarke climbs back on top of her, resting between her legs and pulling Lexa against her so she can feel the strap on press against her core.

A noise gets caught in her throat as her hips jolt up against it instinctively, moaning when her clit catches on the hardness of the toy. “Slow down baby girl, we’re going slow okay?” Clarke’s voice is deep and raspy and has Lexa shivering as Clarke backs up from her slightly. “Can I pull these off?” Clarke asks with her fingertips tugging at the lace of her panties.

Lexa bites her bottom lip and nods. “Y-yes.” She stutters out again and Clarke nods, slowly pulling the garment down her legs and letting her fingertips trace as much skin as possible. Her right hand comes back up to her hip but Clarke’s left-hand sinks between her thighs to brush between swollen wet lips making Lexa’s breath catch in her throat.

“Checking how ready you are for me.” Clarke kisses her jaw as her fingertips glide between her folds, carrying wetness from her entrance and traveling it up to circle around Lexa’s clit. She jolts, feeling the spike of pleasure course through her body and force a soft moan out of her throat as her hips meet the gentle light touch.

Clarke knows how easy it is for her to come like this, so she doesn’t increase speed or pressure, such a light touch and Lexa is already squirming below her, feeling every nerve ending in her body spike and warm with the pleasure of her touches, her stomach twisting with the buildup. “You’re so wet for me, do you think you’re ready?” Clarke’s lips press to her ear as she talks in that low tone and it has Lexa moaning, arching her back to try and get Clarke to move her fingertips faster. To touch her more.

She thinks that’s hint enough that she’s ready for anything Clarke wants to do to her but again, Clarke likes verbal answers. “Tell me Lexa.” She demands, and her raspy tone sends a shiver down Lexa’s spine, spiking the pleasure Clarke is already causing a bit more so that another moan fights its way up. It’s louder than she was expecting, but she doesn’t mind as she grips Clarke’s hair and holds onto her.

“Please Clarke,” She cries out when Clarke increases the pressure only for a moment, a fleeting moment because any longer would bring Lexa too close and Clarke knows her body by now. “please fuck me.” She forces out because she knows Clarke as well. Knows how much Clarke likes hearing things like this, knows what words do to Clarke, what the control does for her.

Clarke growls in her ear slightly and Lexa lets out a deep whine when Clarke’s touch disappears from her clit. She’s aching to cum but she trusts Clarke with this, with her vulnerability of wanting her.

Clarke backs up to meet her eyes. “Slow and gentle baby,” She affirms and spreads Lexa’s legs a little bit more before her eyes leave Lexa’s to watch what she’s doing. Lexa follows her gaze and sucks in a deep breath as Clarke guides the toy through her wetness. Lexa bites down hard on her bottom lip at the feel of it, hard, against her and without being able to help it her hips press forward to meet and grind against the toy.

Clarke grips her hip with her right hand again, to try and tame her as she carefully wets the toy with Lexa’s essence. She can see it, brushing through her. The toy isn’t that big, small, but she’s never taken one before and the knowledge makes her nervous. She often doesn’t have to go inside of herself to cum, she isn’t sure she’ll last at all.

Once Clarke seems satisfied with how wet the toy has become, and how wet Lexa is because she knows she’s dripping onto the bed, she brings it to her entrance, hovers there and meeting Lexa’s eyes again for more conformation that this is definitely what Lexa wants too.

Lexa forces the word “please” out of her throat in a desperate plea, feeling the toy at her entrance is making her dizzy. She’s nearly desperate enough to force Clarke onto her back and fill herself up, but she knows she wants Clarke to do it, knows this isn’t going to take long anyway.

Her hands tighten in Clarke’s hair as she feels the tip push into her and she can feel herself grip it, can feel the intrusion, foreign but not unpleasant, as she bites her bottom lip and forces her hips to stay still because it’s what Clarke wants, and she wants to please her. “Good girl,” Clarke coos and slowly pushes the toy in some more making Lexa’s breath catch at the glide of it, feeling her walls squeeze around it desperately. She’s so close and Clarke hasn’t even gotten started yet.

“Clarke!” She warns, and the blonde stops immediately, eyes meeting Lexa’s with a flash of worry.

“What’s wrong, are you done? You can be done.”

“No!” Lexa shakes her head and Clarke presses a gentle kiss to her lips to comfort her. “I’m gonna cum too fast.” She pouts and her body still squeezing around the toy as it tries to take it deeper.

Clarke smiles warmly at her, affectionately. “That’s okay. You can.”

Lexa shakes her head. “I don’t want too.” Her voice is lower than normal and she’s fighting hard the urge to push up with her hips and force the toy all the way in. “Too soon, want to be good for you.” She gasps when Clarke moves slightly, making the blonde look at her apologetically.

“Sorry, sorry. You’re doing so good, I want you to cum. I don’t care how fast okay, don’t worry about it.” She kisses Lexa comfortingly. “In fact, I’d love it if you came a few times for me, you think you could?” She asks gently and nods her head because it’s already been proven that Clarke can pull multiple out of her. “Can I move?” She asks gently, and Lexa nods her head.

“Yes Clarke.” She says breathily and moans when Clarke presses in even further. There’s a slight burn to the stretch as her body makes to accommodate the toy but it feels good, it feels so good, Lexa feels it travel in every bone. Her mind is exclusively focused on this pleasure and god it feels so good. She clings to Clarke as she presses in further until she finally bottoms out and Lexa has the entire length of the toy inside of her.

She’s squirming against her, her stomach turning as her mind fogs over with the pleasure of it. Clarke’s not even moving but it feels so good and the whimper catching in Lexa’s throat is enough for Clarke to know that one move, one slight move and Lexa is gone. Every muscle is tensing as her body squeezes around the toy over and over, begging it to move so she can cum, can fall off and fly away into the clouds that make Lexa lose herself.

“Cum for me baby girl.” Clarke whispers into her ear, biting down on the shell as Clarke pulls her hips back and then presses into her, forcing the toy into a motion that makes her head spin as she feels it glide against her front wall and push back in. Her entire body tenses up as she arches her back to the feeling that explodes behind her eyelids, traveling its way through every limb as some noise she’s never made before leaves her throat and bounces off the walls of Clarke’s bedroom.

Clarke is moving her hips as Lexa takes every motion, falling off that edge and into an abyss that only extends with each thrust. She’s whining, squirming, begging Clarke to not stop even as she’s falling and gripping too tightly on her hair. She’s never felt this good, she’s sure there’s a flood pouring out from her because she feels everything. This orgasm takes her so high she isn’t sure she can come down, she almost doesn’t want to with every new and gentle, shallow thrust that Clarke gives, extending and extending until Clarke’s fingertips are at her clit and circling to push her into an entirely new orgasm even as the first one isn’t finished.

She’s spiraling, falling down, she can’t even open her eyes because the pleasure is too much, and she thinks she’s still making sounds, lots and lots of noise as Clarke thrusts into her and circles her clit and makes the feeling travel into every nerve ending. She doesn’t even know how long it lasts, she can’t tell time as she slowly starts to come down.

She doesn’t know when she finally slumps into the bed, or when Clarke’s thrusts stop, and her fingers leave her clit. She doesn’t know how long Clarke lets her lay there, the toy still inside of her as the aftershocks make her twitch and tremor. She can feel the pounding between her legs that comes from a powerful orgasm and it takes Clarke touching her cheek for her to finally force her eyes open. Every limb is jelly, weightless, unmovable.

“Such a good girl for me. You came so hard.” Clarke kisses her lips gently and Lexa does her best to reciprocate. “I’m going to pull out.” Clarke tells her gently, knowing Lexa still can’t answer she slowly does it, smirking as Lexa releases a low whine in the back of her throat as she feels the toy scrap against her front wall upon exit.

Clarke gently sets Lexa’s legs down on the bed that had been around her and she moves to stand, pulling the strap on off of her and climbing back onto the bed before Lexa can protests her absence, wrapping herself around the sweaty satisfied brunette.

“I-” Lexa clears her throat, feeling the scratchiness too it and she knows she was loud. “I want to use it on you.” She manages to mumble out and feels Clarke’s huff of laughter against her chest.

“You will pretty girl, rest for now. You can barely keep your eyes open.” Clarke chuckles and presses affectionate light kisses against her cheek and down her jaw.

“Not fair.” Lexa breathes out, pouting slightly even as she knows Clarke is right. She can’t exactly move right now, and she feels so tired but so fucking weightless. So good. She’s never felt this good.

“You can have me when you wake up.” Clarke whispers and Lexa grumbles in protest but can already feel the heaviness of sleep slipping into her consciousness. She can only manage to throw her arms around Clarke in a light hold before she’s slipping off.

 

***

 

“Lexa, baby,” Clarke coos in her ear when she knows that Lexa is somewhat awake. She feels sore all over but in a good way, her body aches beautifully and her limbs still feel heavy but she’s managing to open her eyes. She can feel the cold of the room and suddenly she feels clingy, all she wants is Clarke’s body against her own so that she can fall back asleep.

“Clarke,” Lexa responds in a sleepy tone and crawls across the bed to find her body, sighing in relief when she wraps herself around her, tugging Clarke’s waist against her own and wrapping her legs with Clarke’s, ankles crossing each other as she buries her face in the crook of her neck.

“Lexa, I want to ask you something.” Clarke’s fingers move to her hair to settle on a soothing motion as Lexa struggles to keep her consciousness long enough to answer whatever Clarke wants to ask her.

“What is it babe?” She grumbles into her neck before placing a kiss there and letting her eyes fall shut again. She’s warm and safe and feels full with Clarke against her body.

“Do you want to go on more dates with me?” Clarke asks almost shyly, and Lexa pulls her head up, opening her eyes to look down at Clarke groggily.

“Thought we were already doing that?” Lexa says, her throat scratchy as Clarke touches her cheek affectionately. She must have been really loud, or maybe she just needs some water. She’s hoping she just needs some water because if she was too loud she’ll never hear the end of it.

“Not double dates, just us. Like that breakfast, or the dinner two nights ago. Just me and you. Lots of dates, lots of kissing, food, movies, long walks on beaches? Romance, the gross kind like in the cheesy movies? Those kinds of dates. I want to take you on those kinds of dates.”  Clarke seems nervous to ask this, but Lexa doesn’t understand how.

A few hours ago, Clarke had practically had her screaming her name and squirming below her and now she’s afraid to ask her on more romantic dates? She doesn’t get Clarke. “I would love to go on lots of dates with you.” Lexa answer honestly, leans down to kiss Clarke briefly and then buries her face back into the crook of Clarke’s neck, closing her eyes again.

Clarke lets out a sigh below her. “I keep thinking I’m dreaming and going to wake up and this all not be real.” Clarke whispers into the dark like it’s a secret, a secret that scares her to death and Lexa has to pull herself from her comfy position again so that she can meet Clarke’s eyes.

She needs to reassure her again, but Lexa doesn’t mind. She’d love to spend the rest of her life reassuring Clarke that she wants to be right there with her, that she can’t think of a better place, that Clarke deserves all of this just as much as she does. She won’t quite say that, as it’s far too soon and scaring Clarke is not the goal. The goal is to always comfort her. “I’m real, this is real.” She says tiredly and leans down to brush her nose against Clarke’s affectionately. “I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.” She tells her truthfully and watches blue eyes begin to water.

“Me either.” She says with a crack to her tone and then she’s kissing her softly again, holding the back of Lexa’s neck so she can’t leave her. Lexa wouldn’t want to, even if the world was ending.

When Clarke does part from her the water in her eyes is gone but she’s still giving her that affectionate beautiful look that Lexa loves being on the receiving end of. “Since you woke me up.” Lexa smiles at her, feeling her stomach growl slightly even as her limbs refuse to properly work. “Mind if I have a snack?” She teases, and Clarke laughs and releases her hold on her.

“Go get something.” She tells her gently, encouraging her too get up.

Lexa bites her lip. “Can you get it?” She asks quietly in a small tone. “Don’t think my legs will really work still.” She tells her honestly, blushing at the fact because they still feel so heavy and she feels like she’d be wobbly on her legs.

Clarke grins widely, almost smug. “Sure, baby girl. What do you want?” Clarke kisses her cheek affectionately and Lexa’s eyes flutter for a second at the light touch of her soft swollen lips.

“Surprise me.” She answers quietly and smiles at Clarke when she opens her eyes and looks at her again.

Clarke pecks her mouth again. “I really like you.”

Lexa grins. “I really like you too.” _I really love you._ She thinks instead but she settles, she settles for now because it’s what Clarke needs and whimpers slightly when the blonde gets up and detaches herself from her to go out and find something to feed her.

She watches her leave and feels like her heart has never been bigger.

 

***

 

Two weeks. That’s how long it’s been. Two weeks but it’s felt longer than that. Perhaps it technically was, however subtle, however confusing, this, this feels like it was meant to happen all along. Of course, it’s something Lexa has hoped for, a small piece of her thought it was impossible. But here they are. Though the conversation on what they are still hasn’t been verbally had and it’s the one thing on Lexa’s mind as she stares at the sunset in front of her.

_Why haven’t they said it out loud?_

She’s scared Clarke is going to change her mind about being ready, about being with her. That somehow Lexa is going to prove herself not good enough. Though another part of her isn’t worried about that at all because Clarke… Clarke is all over her, all the time. It doesn’t matter who can see them or where they are, Clarke is touching her, somewhere.

Whether it’s just the brush of her fingertips against her own, or Clarke climbing into her lap at dinner, she’s always right next to her. Aware of the eyes on them when people they know see them, aware of the eyes on them when people they don’t know see them.

She’s deep in this thought, completely distracted as she tries to figure out how to bring up this question, this question that’s probably stupid, that she should probably already know the answer too. That shouldn’t need a verbal conformation but for some reason Lexa needs it. She needs to know what Clarke’s thinking, she needs to know that Clarke wants the label.

But does she just ask? Or is it a conversation that needs to be eased into, due to the slow pace their relationship has taken up until this point?

Clarke climbs into her lap to brush her fingers along the curve of her brow that must be furrowed. “What are you thinking about?” Clarke asks in a soft and gentle and affectionate tone that she’s been using on her more and more throughout these last two weeks.

Lexa licks her lower lip at the sound and wraps her arms around Clarke’s waist to secure her place in her lap. “You?” She perks up an eyebrow with her question. It’s not a lie, Clarke is what she’s thinking about most of the time, but the longer she can stall the question she really wants to ask than maybe the more time she’ll have to figure out how to phrase it.

Clarke’s eyes twinkle at her, fingers gliding up from her neck to push into the long curly strands of her hair. Clarke loves her hair, if the blonde didn’t say it to her so much Lexa would still know by how often she touches it, braids it, brushes it, washes it. Clarke often touched her hair before, but not like this, not as often, not as much, not the way she does now. “Wanna go back to my place?” She asks with a slight smirk beginning to grace her gorgeous mouth and Lexa’s eyes drop down to stare at those lips, those lips she’s felt everyday for the last two weeks, those lips she dreams about when she’s asleep. She loves them, she loves her.

And just like that, there’s her courage. “No, I mean yes, but-” Lexa takes in a deep breath to prepare the question to fall from her lips.

“What is it?” Clarke is gentle and affectionate as she coaxes Lexa through her silent struggle.

 Lexa stares at her a second before the blush begins to surface and she looks down at Clarke’s necklace instead of her eyes, studying the designs on the little tree. “We’re dating right?” She asks quietly, shy and nervous even though the answer must be obvious.

Clarke snorts out an affectionate laugh but the curve in Lexa’s eyebrow doesn’t dissipate, Clarke curves her fingers over it again. “I’m pretty sure that’s what this is.” She tells her as if it should be obvious and well… It must be, it is, but still. Lexa wants to hear it, wants Clarke to say it. “What’s bothering you baby?” She coos after a moment of silence, of Lexa’s eyes staring at her necklace instead of looking into her own.

Lexa licks at her lower lip again and she feels dumb, she feels dumb for feeling like she needs to hear it just to feel more secure. “I know it seems stupid to ask.” She mumbles out shyly, letting one hand fall from holding Clarke so that she can trace the tree in Clarke’s necklace with her fingertips.

Clarke’s hands cup her face to pull her gaze back up. “Hey, no. Don’t start like that. Whatever you have to say could never be stupid.” She tells her sternly, those eyes becoming serious, and Lexa drowns in the ocean that is there.

She searches them and when she finds nothing but Clarke’s open affection and good intention she finally asks the question she’s been wanting to ask for the last two weeks, since she woke up naked in Clarke’s bed the first time. “Clarke are you my girlfriend?” and the words, together, god they sound good. Clarke, her girlfriend. She wants that more than anything.

The blonde blushes at that and glances down shyly. “I’d like to be.” It’s Clarke’s turn to appear nervous and bite her lower lip.

Lexa can feel a grin already fighting its way onto her mouth. Her fingertips move from Clarke’s necklace to tip her chin up. “So yes?” She says in a tone that appears light and excited. The blush still prominent on her face as Clarke’s own smile lights up along her features.

She grins wider. “Yes, are you my girlfriend Lexa?” Her tone is almost teasing, but she sounds genuinely happy at the mere thought. Lexa’s heart has started to speed up again.

“If you’re my girlfriend than I must be your girlfriend.” Lexa answer with a chuckle that is imitated in Clarke.

She loves the twinkle she finds in her eyes. “You’re adorable.” She says lightly and presses forward to kiss her gently on the mouth. Lexa lets her touch slide from her jaw around the back of her neck to keep her close.

She breathes against her mouth gently. “I’m happy.” She pulls back just enough to press her forehead against Clarke’s.

Clarke’s eyes stay twinkling, but they change to that more mischievous twinkle of blue that makes Lexa’s stomach twist. “Good, let’s go home than, I’ll make you happier.” She presses forward to kiss her again, deeper and Lexa sighs into her mouth.

“Naughty.” Lexa mumbles before biting her lip.

Clarke giggles before pushing on Lexa’s chest so their mouths split apart. She climbs out of her lap and holds out her hand. “Are you coming, girlfriend?” Clarke quirks a brow at her and Lexa can feel her heart moving a mile a minute.

She gives Clarke another fully blown grin. “Hopefully.” She winks, which makes Clarke laugh as she takes her hand and hops off the picnic table.

 

***

 

“I’m rarely nervous about these things.” Clarke mumbles as she squeezes Lexa’s hand. “Thank you for being here with me, as my date.” Clarke confirms and Lexa chuckles, pressing a kiss to Clarke cheek that has the blonde grinning widely before her eyes.

“What are girlfriends for?” Lexa smiles when she says it because she’s still not used to how it sounds. She can’t say it enough, it never gets old. Raven’s resorted to fake gagging around them now because they say it so much, like they both can’t believe this is really happening for them, between them.

“For looking extremely hot and making it impossibly hard for me to focus even though this is important?” Clarke quirks a teasing brow at her and Lexa blushes as the blonde’s hand slips from her own to wrap around her waist and tug her body against her own. “Honestly, if this wasn’t so important, I’d drag you to a back room.” Clarke runs kisses along her jawline and Lexa closes her eyes only briefly before she’s pushing her girlfriend off her.

“Focus, I know you’re nervous, but you can do this.” She grabs Clarke’s arms around her waist and places them back at her sides, so she can back up from her, taking her hand again and interlacing their fingers. “Distance, you can do whatever you want to me when we get home.”

Clarke pouts adorably. “No fair, why’d you show up looking like that then?” She protests, eyes running down the length of Lexa’s body and back up again, that dark look entering her gaze, so Lexa’s blush deepens. She hates that she loves that Clarke makes her want to do things that she never thought she’d want to do before.

The night is mostly spent with Clarke mumbling seductive things in her ear every time there is distance between them and other people for a mere few seconds and it always serves to fluster Lexa completely, turning her face a nice shade of red. But she’s happy, so happy to be here, to be here as Clarke’s girlfriend no less. She’s never been happier.

Clarke is happy too. Many people compliment her on her art, on her beautiful dress, on the natural glow that surrounds her, and Lexa is there the whole time. Her chest swelling with pride every time Clarke gets a compliment or someone offers to buy a painting. Clarke’s going places, Lexa knows it. She’s going to be so successful and Lexa can’t wait to live her life beside her, watching her grow and blossom. She loves her so much.

She thinks the evening is going perfectly when she spots Niylah again. Niylah who’s gazing at one of Clarke’s paintings with a look of disdain and it sets off Lexa’s temper because what is she even doing here? Why can’t she just leave Clarke alone? She’s thankful Clarke has not seen her yet, distracted in a deep conversation with an older gentleman who was dying to know the inspiration behind her painting of the girl with the back tattoo.

Lexa still can’t help but blush when she remembers Clarke asking her for the second time if she can use it. She remembers how breathtaking it was the first time she saw it. Clarke’s talent really is otherworldly. Lexa has no words to describe her. She makes Lexa look magical, fierce. She makes Lexa feel special.

She walks across the space, hoping to make Niylah’s exit quick as she doesn’t want anything to ruin Clarke’s night. She clears her throat when she’s beside her, watching Niylah stare at the same painting with all the mountains in the background.

“Lexa,” She greets instead of taking the hint.

“I think you should leave.” Lexa states firmly, she as well does not take her eyes off of the painting to look at Niylah, even as she sees from her peripheral vision, Niylah looking at her. She clenches her jaw and hopes Niylah will go without a fight.

But of course, she’s never that lucky. “I bet Clarke’s said some stuff about me by now huh?” Niylah crosses her arms along her chest. “Bet she didn’t tell you it was her idea, the no strings attached thing.”

“What are you talking about?” Lexa snaps and Niylah’s eyebrows furrow.

“She wanted it that way you know, got weird when I wanted something more. Kind of sucks to see that it was just me she didn’t want to change for.” Lexa can see Niylah’s own jaw clenching when she looks at her.

“That’s not what happened, you lied. Clarke liked you and you lied.” Lexa’s tone is low and dangerous and level. She’s uninterested in whatever story Niylah is willing to tell her, she doesn’t believe her.

“What?” Niylah looks genuinely confused. “Clarke told me to leave, we slept together after this date, this really good date, it meant something for the first time and she told me to leave right after and she said she’d call.” Niylah’s tone is uneven, hurt. But Lexa doesn’t believe her, she doesn’t believe her, how is she supposed to when she’s heard something else? Something from Raven no less.

Lexa grits her teeth. Her temper is rising, she needs to control it, but she feels it boiling in the base of her gut. Niylah should leave. “And you said she didn’t.”

“She did call.” Niylah sighs. “But she… she called to tell me she couldn’t. You know? She slept with me, made love with me, and told me to get lost right after Lexa? That’s what I’ve been trying to warn you about but-” Niylah’s words fall off as she looks past Lexa’s shoulder.

Lexa feels Clarke hand slip into her own before she realized what Niylah was looking at. She turns her head to see her, but Clarke’s eyes are on Niylah. “Can I help you?” She asks stiffly, and Lexa squeezes her hand.

Her temper rises at Niylah’s snarky reply. “No, you never could, could you?” Niylah rolls her eyes and Lexa takes in a deep breath to keep herself calm.

“Now is not the time or place to do this.” Clarke tells her levelly, she looks so calm, but Lexa thinks she knows her too well by now. She knows it’s a strategically placed mask, she knows it’s not true.

“Do you really think you deserve it Clarke? After who you are? After what you’ve done to other people, you really think you deserve to be with someone like her?” Her tone is ugly, aggressive, upset, angry, all the things that make holding back a temper impossible.

Lexa doesn’t know how it happens. She thinks it must be the way Clarke’s eyes flash with hurt, with understanding. She’s so confused, so many stories and twists to those stories but she can’t think about it. She can think of nothing but the small tear that escapes down Clarke’s cheek.

And then she snaps.

She snaps and when she wakes up Niylah is holding her nose, having fallen to the ground and Clarke is grabbing her and holding her back and Lexa is fuming. She’s angry, so angry that Niylah, no matter what actually happened, would come here at this time and try and tare Clarke apart. Feed on her insecurities and increase them until there’s enough pain that Clarke has to feel it.

No one should ever make Clarke feel like that, and as long as Lexa is around, no one ever will again.

“Lexa calm down, it’s okay. I’m fine, it’s okay.” Clarke seems frantic. She’s never seen Lexa like this and well… it’s been a long time since Lexa’s felt like this.  She can’t take her eyes off Niylah as a friend she must have come here with helps her up and glares at Lexa. Niylah looks hurt, she’ll feel bad later.

“You don’t deserve her Clarke, you don’t deserve anyone!” Niylah sounds hurt, angry herself, pissed as her friend drags her away and Lexa doesn’t know what Clarke’s face looks like because she’s too busy lunging forward to get her to shut up, to just stop talking. But Clarke holds her back and brings her back to her and Lexa only calms down when she feels her cold palms on her face.

“I’m fine, it’s okay, everything’s okay. Calm down Lexa, please.” She sounds desperate and it’s what makes Lexa’s attention quickly move to her face, breaking apart from its glare at the exit where Niylah had gone.

“She doesn’t matter.” Lexa snaps, her tone still low and angry. “She’s wrong.” Lexa softens slowly as Clarke’s blue eyes pour into her own. “She’s wrong Clarke. Don’t believe her.” She begs, and Clarke’s eyes begin to water.

“She’s wrong.” She says out loud and her voice cracks and Lexa nods and then she’s pulling Clarke against her and squeezing her as tightly as she can. She just wants to protect her, to make everything alright. She just wants Clarke to believe that she deserves her. She doesn’t want to hear it, not again, how Clarke thinks she doesn’t.

“She’s wrong.” She says again.

“I’m fine. I’m fine Lexa.” Clarke mumbles though she is shaking in Lexa’s arms. “I’m fine baby girl, calm down.” Or maybe Lexa’s the one shaking because Clarke parts from her and she can still feel it, still feel the shaking as Clarke cups her face in her hands again and rubs her thumbs along her cheekbones. “I’m okay.” She says again, and Lexa closes her eyes. “Breathe.” She says, and Lexa does.

When she opens them again she feels less angry, she feels calmer, softening to Clarke’s gentle touches. “I’m sorry.” She whispers, and Clarke shakes her head.

“Don’t be.” She responds and then she kisses Lexa gently. “I’m fine. Let’s go home, we can go home now.” Clarke lets out a relieved breath when Lexa brushes her nose gently against Clarke’s in a soft and affectionate way, a way of communicating that Lexa is Clarke’s and doesn’t want anyone else.

“Let’s go home.” She says, and Clarke intertwines their hands again. “How’s your hand?” She asks, and Lexa licks her lips, glancing down at her right hand, the knuckles looking bruised from where they must have collided with Niylah’s nose.

She is the one shaking, she can see it in the twitching. “Hurts.” She whispers and Clarke smiles.

“We’ll fix it.” She says, but when Lexa looks into her eyes again she doesn’t feel okay. Clarke doesn’t look fine. Clarke looks terrified, not of her, but of the words that she heard. Feeding her insecurities and it doesn’t seem to matter what Lexa says, Clarke does believe them. She believes her, maybe she’s always believed her.

How does Lexa help her realize she’s wrong?


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so we’ve come upon the angst. You might get a little mad at one of them or both of them, but you’ll definitely be mad at me. There’s a scene in this chapter that I wrote first, before any other parts of the story it’s the first one I ever wrote. It set everything else into motion. I was going through some of my own heartbreak, I didn’t even have plans to write this. I had another story set up to go up next. But I couldn’t do it. This scene made this story, and this was what I needed at that time in my life and while I have changed the scene a bit to fit the story on how it panned out, the concept remains the same. I promise you, this ends happy. Because in real life, we don’t get many of those. Bear with me through this part because it gets better. Nothing happens that can’t be mended and while I wanted their relationship to be realistic to some aspect, I always wanted this to end in a way that I knew would never happen for me and that sometimes doesn’t happen for the rest of us when it comes to love. Completely happy.
> 
> Good luck with this chapter, I promise things get better. Hope to see you all at the end. Scream at me in the comments if you’d like.

There isn’t much sign of it. Lexa doesn’t even know when it started, but when she turns Clarke toward her after hearing a sniffle her heart breaks at the sight of the tears streaming down her face. She can’t even say anything, all she can do is pull Clarke in her arms and hold her as tight as possible. She won’t let go, even as Clarke moves to put some space between them, she doesn’t let go.

Clarke relaxes into her and cries more, grips her shirt like she’s afraid she’ll let go, and whimpers into her neck and Lexa’s heart breaks with every salty tear that lands on her skin from Clarke’s eyes. Stupid Niylah, stupid insecurities, all serving to beat Clarke down and make her feel small and Lexa can’t fight these battles. She can’t do anything about it but be here and tell Clarke the exact opposite and beg her to see in herself what Lexa has seen since the moment they met.

She mutters a soft “I’m fine,” but it’s hoarse and chocked up and a total lie so Lexa keeps her in her tight embrace. Kissing her head and rubbing her hands up and down her spine until she’s no longer shaking, or muttering “I’m fine” under her breath repeatedly.

There’s a long moment of silence between them, Lexa just holds her and soothes her as Clarke settles down, sniffling and clinging to her like she’s afraid Lexa will disappear. When she talks again her voice is low and hoarse from crying and the sound only serves to make Lexa’s heart hurt even more because she can’t protect Clarke from this pain. “How do you not believe them?” She whispers into her neck, almost broken and Lexa’s heart picks up in almost a panic.

Adrenaline, but she can’t tell what kind it is this time. She backs up then to cup Clarke’s face in her hands, gently brushing the tears on her cheeks away with her thumbs, swiping slowly under her eyes. “They know nothing about you.” She whispers back. “I know who you are.” She assures her, making sure those watery blue eyes are looking into her own, making sure Clarke can’t mistake what she’s saying.

“Why,” Clarke croaks and at the furrow of Lexa’s eyebrows Clarke must know she doesn’t completely understand what she’s asking. “Why do you never believe them, why do you believe in me?” Clarke is thinking so deeply. She’s scared of Lexa’s answer.

Lexa doesn’t know why but she doesn’t shy away from it this time. “Because I…” She licks her lower lip and Clarke watches the action, her left-hand twitching and reaching up to trace it right after Lexa’s tongue. She takes in another breath and in a rush, she lets it out. “Because I love you and I don’t care what anyone else thinks about you, what they want me to think about you. I just care about you.” Lexa brushes her fingertips through the side of Clarke’s hair, pushing soft blonde strands behind her ear.

Clarke’s eyes are watery, though she smiles at Lexa just barely. Soft and low and barely there but a smile nonetheless. “I don’t deserve you.” She softly mutters again and Lexa’s about to tell her that’s not true, deny that very statement all over again but then Clarke is kissing her, hard and deep and Lexa forgets for a second what she had been so determined to tell her.

“Clarke,” Lexa mumbles against her mouth, trying to push her back to gain perspective, to make sure she’s okay. But Clarke won’t let up. Her hands already pushing at the material of Lexa’s clothing.

“Please,” Clarke whispers into her mouth, vulnerable and desperate. “I need you. Right now.” She kisses her harder before she can properly respond. So, Lexa slows it down the best she can, cherishing her as Clarke tries to shrug her out of her clothes. If Clarke needs her, well, she’s going to be here for her, in any way that she can.

She lifts Clarke in her arms, gripping her under her thighs as Clarke’s legs wrap firmly around her waist. Her touch is gentle, slow as Clarke’s kisses stay hard against her mouth, Clarke’s tongue soft but needy in her mouth. The blonde clings to her in desperation, in fear, scared that Lexa is bound to leave, bound to believe all the dark and scary things Clarke thinks about herself.

Well she will show her that that’s not possible.

She sets Clarke down gently on the end of her bed before she drops to her knees in front of her. She can feel how her lips have swollen from their kisses, can see the same effect on Clarke’s own mouth, feeling her heart race when Clarke licks her own lips to still taste her.

She pushes Clarke’s knees apart gently, stands between them on her knees and stares up into her eyes, stares at her with every ounce of love she can manage inside of her soul. Throwing it out in her gaze, in the gentle touch she lays on the top of Clarke’s thighs. God the way Clarke looks back at her, eyes still watery, a few more tears slipping out of her eyes as she caresses Lexa’s face with her fingertips, just to make sure she’s real.

There’s no more words to say, nothing left but action so Lexa leans up with her head and feels her own pounding heart flutter when Clarke meets her halfway. This kiss less urgent, softer, kinder, full of the love that surges through her own veins. She deepens it as her hands travel up Clarke’s thighs, feeling her soft skin under her palms.

Clarke shivers into her kiss, lifts her hips when Lexa’s hands slide under her dress to grip at the lace of her underwear. Lexa slides them down her legs slowly, never breaking her kiss because Clarke needs her touch everywhere and Lexa wants nothing more than to give Clarke everything she wants for the rest of her life.

She parts from Clarke’s lips only to trail her kisses across her jaw, and Clarke responds to her. She can feel her hands in her hair, tugging but not to guide, tugging to hold, tugging to stay close. She sucks a mark into Clarke’s pulse point and her hold in her hair grows tighter. She only backs up when Clarke pushes on her shoulder, maybe to see her again, maybe too look in her eyes.

She’s not crying anymore, but the stains from her tears rest on her cheeks. Her make-up has run and smudges around her eyes that have dilated, the blue becoming that dark color they get when she wants her. She is beautiful, tortured and sad but so beautiful and Lexa… Lexa can feel nothing but how deeply in love she is. Deep, deep love that’s stained in every fiber of her being.

She licks her own lips, tasting Clarke there still, and keeps her eyes on the blonde’s as she leans back on her knees. She reaches out for one ankle, unclips the clasp to her heel so she can pull it off, gently caressing Clarke’s foot as she parts her eyes from Clarke’s to gently kiss her ankle before doing the same with the other side.

She slips her hands up Clarke’s smooth legs, parting them further again and watching Clarke’s breath grow heavier as she watches. She hopes Clarke understands, with every gentle kiss pressed to her inner thigh, with every mark she sucks into pale skin, that she gets it. That she can feel the message in her lips, can see it where Lexa stands on her knees and bends to worship her.

She thinks Clarke is starting to get it, really get it every time their eyes meet but she can never be sure. So she continues with her task, still on her knees. She grips behind Clarke’s knees to tug her closer, pulling her farther on the ledge of the bed. She bunches up Clarke’s dress at her hips, takes in a deep breath at the wet glistening sight of her. She is perfect and deserves to be touched.

They still say nothing, Lexa says nothing as she pulls one of Clarke’s legs over her shoulder and bends down to kiss her pubic bone. She guides Clarke’s hand into her hair but Clarke doesn’t tug or guide, even as Lexa’s tongue brushes between her more than wet lips. She only gently brushes through Lexa’s hair, leaning back on her hand and letting her head fall back slightly as her hips raise to meet the touch, a broken moan escaping her when Lexa’s tongue swirls around her stiff clit.

She watches Lexa and Lexa watches her, their eyes barely parting only when Clarke can’t keep her own open, and her head falls back as Lexa sucks her clit into her mouth, the hand in her hair grows tighter but still isn’t there to guide, not even there to anchor her. Only there to love her back, to hold her, to be close.

Clarke needs much more than this to come to orgasm than Lexa does. This is something Lexa knows, something she’s learned over their time together. While Lexa always has a hard time hanging on, Clarke always has a hard time letting go. But it’s not something Lexa minds, Lexa loves her. Lexa would stay here forever if she had to, as long as Clarke wanted her.

Though Lexa knows this, she knows exactly what Clarke needs at this point, she takes her time. She uses only her mouth and Clarke shakes and shivers and moans under her ministrations but never begs for more. That’s not what this is about. This isn’t about rushing to that end, this isn’t about the pleasure alone. Not completely. This is more.

So much more.

Clarke only tugs on her hair when she wants to kiss her and Lexa only parts because she wants to take her time. Because she wants what Clarke wants. Clarke’s moan when she tastes herself on Lexa’s tongue makes the brunette shiver, she can feel the noise travel down through her body.

They part only for Lexa to pull her dress completely off of her, freeing her breasts with a slight bounce and Lexa presses her body into Clarke’s but the blonde is unsatisfied, nearly crying when she speaks into Lexa’s mouth. “Please Lexa, clothes, I want to feel you.” So vulnerable and she knows it but Clarke is laying herself bare for her. Clarke is trusting her completely with all of her and Lexa won’t let her regret it.

She parts from Clarke just enough, slowly stripping out of each garment for her, Clarke’s eyes following her actions, full to the brim of her emotion before Lexa is naked and no longer on her knees in front of her.

She reaches out for her and Lexa takes her hands, molding her body into Clarke’s and feels breathless as every inch of them is able to touch. It doesn’t matter how many times they may have done this before. This is different. Clarke is so fully vulnerable for her and Lexa, Lexa has always been vulnerable for Clarke. She can’t help to be any other way.

Lexa is back to touching her, her right-hand gliding between their bodies as she lays Clarke onto her back, her fingertips gliding through the copious amount of wetness that only increases with every passing moment. Lexa’s lips leave Clarke’s again to suck marks into different pieces of her body, gentle and caring, spurred on by every breathless whimper coming from Clarke’s throat.

She doesn’t hesitate to worship her breasts, sucking the left nipple into her mouth and letting her free hand pinch and roll the right between her fingertips. Clarke squirms below her, hands back in her hair as she arches into her touches, legs spreading subconsciously while Lexa’s fingers explore her, gently touching every wet part of her, grazing her clit every now and then so she can hear that breathy high whimper that Clarke does. She likes the way it travels through her chest before it ever comes out of her mouth.

Clarke is so wet that she slides into her easily, and Lexa’s own clit throbs as Clarke’s walls latch onto her, squeezing and begging for her touch to stay, to make her cum and Lexa can’t think of much else but showing Clarke that she finds these moments precious, a privilege and she won’t take them for granted.

Clarke’s legs wrap around her waist and pull Lexa’s fingers deeper and that’s when Lexa moves, hooking her two fingers against Clarke’s front wall as she pulls them out and gently pushes them back in, soft and slow and cherishing every movement of the body below her. Clarke clings to her, softly begs for her to stay inside of her and Lexa kisses her quiet. Swallowing every moan, and adjusting her hands just right so Clarke’s clit can slide against her palm every time she raises her hips.

She keeps the attention on her breasts because Clarke loves it, moans out her name in a deeply low rasp every time she flicks her tongue across the nipple and sucks it further into her mouth, the soft whine of protest when Lexa’s mouth parts from her breast turning Lexa’s stomach pleasantly and she can feel herself throb more but she doesn’t care. She doesn’t care how much she aches, this is about Clarke. This is for Clarke.

She kisses to her right breast and shows it the same amount of attention until it’s just as swollen as it’s left counterpart. She presses into Clarke, adding a third finger and finding that spot that normally makes Clarke’s head spin and it won’t be long now.

She can see it in the way Clarke shakes in her arms, the way she clenches her jaw and can’t keep her eyes open. She can feel it in the way her walls tighten around her fingers, in the quicker, frantic pace of her hips. She is so close and Lexa knows what she needs so she kisses her again, kisses her awake. Those pretty blue eyes opening for her and she rests her forehead against hers gently and whispers; “let go for me.” And Clarke doesn’t shut her eyes as she cums and she watches it. She watches the way it makes her feel travel through her eyes and Lexa loves that Clarke trust her with it.

She spills onto her hand and she keeps her movements gentle and slow and soft until Clarke is shaking her head and pushing at Lexa’s hand. She’s crying again and Lexa kisses her tears away as she clings to her. “Lexa,”

“Shh,” Lexa whispers. “I’m here,” She promises. “I’m not going anywhere. Not ever.” She kisses her deeply as Clarke clings to her and she hopes, prays that Clarke can feel it. That Clarke believes her, that Clarke understands that no matter how long they both shall live, Lexa will never, ever want anyone else.

 

***

 

It’s because she’s not in bed. Lexa has grown so accustomed to her presences that she can seem to subconsciously sense when she’s left her. She wakes up and Lexa can’t quite be sure how long Clarke has been gone from the bed, but it must not be long due to her side of the bed still being somewhat warm.

She frowns as she sits up because she likes waking up with Clarke, and the night before had been… different. Different from most of the times they’ve been together in these recent weeks. It had meant something so much deeper and Lexa wonders briefly, if Clarke got the message. If her “I love you” was taken seriously or if Clarke had merely shrugged it off. Maybe she wasn’t ready for it.

Maybe Lexa is waking up alone because it was too much too soon, even if it doesn’t feel too soon at all. Even if it feels like it’s been a lifetime. Clarke is so careful, so serious and thoughtful and Lexa can’t just jump in with her wishes and emotions without it holding some kind of side-effect in Clarke’s own head.

Or maybe Lexa’s just thinking too much again, because Clarke’s never been the best sleeper and she’s woken up without her before, to find her out on the balcony or sipping coffee as she leans against the kitchen counter. Maybe Lexa is merely worried because of the night they had, and the words Clarke heard and the things she cannot protect her from.

She shakes off those thoughts and decides to focus on finding Clarke, pulling herself from their warm bed and tugging on Clarke’s sweater. Clarke must have worn it recently because it smelled more like her than it ever had since Lexa has started wearing it. She opts for a fresh pair of underwear, instead of the ones on the ground from last night, picking up their clothes to toss them in the hamper. She tugs on the sweater, even though it’s always sat mid-thigh on her, just to make sure her butt doesn’t show.

When she opens the door to Clarke’s room it is barely light in the living room, the sun hasn’t even fully risen, only just enough for the sky to begin to turn a lighter blue. She has no idea what time it is, she didn’t bother to check, and she doesn’t take the time now because she can hear talking coming from the kitchen. She just wants to make sure Clarke’s okay.

Lexa stays quiet as she approaches the archway that leads into the kitchen. She isn’t sure why she hesitates. She tells herself it’s because she doesn’t want to interrupt their conversation rather than overhear it, but perhaps that’s not fully true. “Well I’m not talking to her anymore and the rest of the group isn’t either.” It’s Anya, her voice is mildly more emotional than normal.

“There’s no need for that Anya.” Clarke’s voice is low and quiet, nearly a whisper so Lexa strains her neck trying to hear what she says. “She feels justified. If I hurt her, that’s my fault. She shouldn’t lose her friends because of it.”

“I don’t know, exactly what happened between you. I know her version, I know you don’t like talking about. In the end it’s none of my business. She may be hurt, but she also has control of her own actions and she’s responsible for those actions all the same.” Wise Anya seems to be making an appearance this morning and it makes Lexa smile slightly.

Just a month ago Anya would have never said something like that to Clarke, let alone talking to her in the early morning, all alone. “Maybe you’re right.” Clarke lets out a small breath, though her voice is barely above a whisper still.

“I am sorry, if I was paying more attention, maybe I’d have a better handle on her. I guess, I’m still getting used to this… um, friendship?” Anya seems unsure of herself and makes Clarke chuckle softly. Lexa leans back against the wall as she listens, the urge to enter the room and wrap her arms around Clarke slowly building.

“Friendship sounds right, I’m still getting used to it too.” Her voice is a bit stronger when she speaks this time.

“Lexa really cares about you.” Anya says almost stern, like Clarke needs this lesson but she doesn’t think Anya’s trying to warn her again. It’s something else fueling her words. “She’s in love with you, you do know that?” And again, it’s not warning, it’s something else. She isn’t sure what Anya’s trying to do but fear climbs its way up Lexa’s chest and claws at her throat, that same adrenaline she felt the night before is back, moving her feet before she can stop them.

She’s louder than she should be, she can’t bare to hear Clarke’s reply. If Clarke loves her back she wants to hear Clarke say it to her, on her own terms, at a time she deems right. Overhearing it in a kitchen while she talks to her older sister isn’t how this is supposed to go. So she interrupts, making her steps loud and clearing her throat like she just woke up. She tangles her arms around Clarke’s waist when she’s close enough and hates how ridged she feels in her hold. She pretends to be sleepy, resting her chin on Clarke’s shoulder and pressing her nose to her neck.

The tension slowly releases from Clarke’s body and she relaxes, leaning back against Lexa’s front. Her hands coming to rest on Lexa’s arms around her waist. “Morning Lex,” Anya says with a slight smile in her direction and Lexa nods her head at her before she turns back into Clarke and presses a light kiss on the skin under her ear.

Clarke sighs, almost in a way that sounds happy though there’s still something missing in it. It makes Lexa squeeze her waist protectively. “Did I wake you when I left?” Clarke nearly whispers, squeezing her arms that are around her.

“No, I don’t think so.” She kisses under Clarke’s ear again and Clarke relaxes even more, a small sigh escaping her. She’s content.

“I’ll see you both at a reasonable morning hour instead of this one.” Anya says after cracking a yawn. She offers them both another good morning before she disappears at the opposite exit from them, heading back into Raven’s room.

“I can’t decide if they’re more inseparable than we are or not.” Clarke says with a slight chuckle, though to Lexa it sounds slightly forced. She slowly turns Clarke in her arms so she’s facing her before gently brushing her fingers through Clarke’s hair.

“Could you not sleep?”

Clarke shook her head, meeting Lexa’s eyes. “Not really.” She whispered and she looked tired, nearly exhausted. Lexa allowed her thumb to caress the skin under her left eye and melted as Clarke leaned into her touch, eyes closing for a brief moment. “Maybe I just need more of you.” Clarke whispers, pressing forward to kiss her softly, her own arms wrapping around Lexa’s waist and making sure Lexa is completely against her.

Lexa rests her forehead gently against Clarke’s. “Are you okay?” She whispers softly in the quiet because she can’t not ask, because Clarke should trust her. She wants more than anything, for Clarke to trust her, to always feel safe with her.

Clarke smiles warmly at her and brushes her nose gently against Lexa’s. “I always feel okay when I’m with you.” Her voice is again, barely above a whisper and then she’s kissing Lexa again, soft and gentle and Lexa’s mind runs blank for a second as the hand on Clarke’s cheek glides into her hair and the other on her waist only tightens its hold.

“Let’s get you back to bed, your eyes are droopy.” Clarke smiles against her mouth and Lexa relaxes slightly, lets the worry in her own shoulders dissipate as she looks into Clarke’s eyes and finds nothing but that overflow of emotion.

“Will you stay?”

“Yeah baby, I’ll stay.” Clarke looks at her fondly before she’s tangling her fingers with her own and pulling her back toward her room.

The energy changes again when the door is shut and Clarke becomes adamant on stripping Lexa out of the little amount of clothes she put on, pulling the sweater up as her hands caress her abs and sucks marks into her neck so Lexa’s own legs wobble below her and she’s gripping Clarke for support.

“I’m so happy to be with you.” Clarke mumbles against her mouth when she kisses her and Lexa lets her mind fog over with her touch, allowing Clarke to be anywhere she wants and to touch her however she wants. For the moment, Lexa isn’t worried that Clarke doesn’t trust her or isn’t safe with her, for the moment she knows she is something Clarke wants most and that’s enough.

She only hopes that for Clarke she will be enough too.

 

***

 

The day drags and they remain wrapped in each other for as long as possible. Breaks for naps and food and even a movie but inevitably always back together like this will be their last day together, but Lexa knows it won’t be. She knows Clarke just needs her right now and she’s more than willing to be there for Clarke.

She gives her this day, knowing that she will have to spend at least a day or two away from her, in her own bed at her dorm she’s hardly at anymore. Finals are so incredibly close, almost just around the corner and she can’t allow any of her grades to drop because she can’t focus on her assignments. Of course, Clarke needs to focus too and that seems to barely happen when they’re in the same room. They both inevitably end up completely wrapped up together.

Lexa doesn’t regret a moment.

She waits as along as possible to part from Clarke for the evening, for the rest of tomorrow so they both can get some work done. She dreads it, her stomach flipping at the thought and she does find it ridiculous but has grown so accustomed to how powerful her emotions are for Clarke that she hardly blinks an eye at it anymore.

Clarke seems to be dreading it just as much as she does because when she kisses her, with the apartment door wide open, and Lexa favorite blanket in her arms and her back-pack on her shoulder, it’s like the world is ending. She allows herself to drown it, she lets Clarke drown in it and worries slightly when Clarke releases her and gives her a look she cannot read.

Maybe she should stay?

She knows she can’t despite the thought. She must go, just for a while. But maybe she’ll come back tomorrow night, after she’s done her work, crawl into Clarke’s bed and hold her while they sleep. That’s one of her favorite parts since becoming Clarke’s girlfriend, even if she had been allowed to do it before they were together. There’s a comfort in knowing that Clarke wants her embrace just as much as Lexa.

So with that thought in mind she leans in and kisses Clarke’s lips one last time, chastely, before she slowly backs away from her. Clarke’s hand holds her own until she can’t anymore, slowly letting go the further Lexa gets from her and Lexa feels something deep in her gut, something that tells her to go back but she can’t possibly understand it.

She assumes it’s just because they honestly aren’t out of their honeymoon phase and they both dread being apart for any amount of time. So she keeps walking, looking back at Clarke before she turns down the corner and can’t see her anymore.

She frowns the further she gets from her. The feeling in the pit of her stomach grows and grips at her lungs and she stops for a second, halfway there and gripping her blanket tightly. _Somethings wrong?_ She feels like something is wrong but she can’t figure out what. She turns on the sidewalk heading back toward the apartment because maybe she just needs to double check, absolutely make sure Clarke is okay.

And then she stops again, turns around again and continues walking to her dorm. She’s being ridiculous. It’s fine. She can surely spend just a few hours away from Clarke without literally losing her mind. She’s being ridiculous.

She’s back at her dorm before she knows it, unlocking the door to find the room empty. She wonders briefly where Costia is but shrugs off the thought, thankful for the quiet. She misses Clarke’s sweater and briefly thinks about how she should have brought it with her but pushes the thought away as she changes into something more comfortable and climbs into her bed.

She grabs her phone and shoots off a goodnight text to Clarke. She waits, for a few minutes to get one back and the dread increases when it doesn’t come but she pushes it down again. Dismissing it because there must be a reasonable reason that she’s not texting back in a short span of time and the only reason Lexa is feeling this way is because she misses her already. She’s become way too clingy.

So she tries to sleep, finding it frustrating when she can’t seem too. A few hours and no text later she gives up and pulls out her laptop, working until she can’t manage to keep her eyes open anymore.

She’ll sleep better when she’s back with Clarke.

 

***

 

She’s trying to figure out what she’s done. She’s made excuses because Clarke has done this before when she’s done nothing. She’s closed off, gotten in her own head and disappears and it drives Lexa absolutely nuts, but she always comes back in a reasonable amount of time. _She always comes back._

Clarke stopped answering her text messages last week and even when she was answering, it was vague, mostly one-word. She didn’t pick up any of her calls. She wasn’t even in class, so Lexa couldn’t even talk to her there. She tries the hill every once in a while, but Clarke is never there either and she’s even gone to her café when she knows she’d be working, not to find her there either.

She could go to her apartment, but she put it off only because she doesn’t want to invade Clarke’s space while she thinks. Even if the dread in the pit of her stomach has done nothing but grow incredibly worse since that first night apart.

It takes Lexa two weeks and she knows she can’t handle it. She can’t let Clarke shut her out. Giving Clarke space is one thing, but allowing Clarke to push her away isn’t something she can do, at least not willingly.

So that’s what leads to Lexa leaning against the wall beside Clarke’s door when she gets home. When Lexa sees her, she feels the dread increase, because Clarke won’t meet her eyeline. She walks past her and unlocks the door and though she holds it open for Lexa there’s something very wrong with how she’s acting. She’s distant, a lot more distant than Lexa is used to but maybe she should be used to it.

It’s been two weeks since she’s seen her, one since she’s not gotten a reply from her and Lexa has never gone so long since their friendship started without speaking or seeing her. She’s done something, she’s clearly done something because her own girlfriend won’t look at her and she doesn’t know why. She doesn’t know why, and it hurts.

“ _Clarke_ ,” She says, and she hates the way her voice sounds, so tight and weak. There must be something in it because Clarke finally looks at her, whipping her head up from where her eyes have been trained on the ground to stare into her own and she looks sad… so sad and afraid. But what is she afraid of? Is she afraid of Lexa? How can she be, after all Lexa has done to try and prove to her that she doesn’t have to be. She doesn’t understand what she’s done.

“I’m tired Lex, I really don’t want to talk.” Clarke’s voice quivers and Lexa curls her palms into fists so that she can’t see them shaking. There’s something so wrong but Clarke has kept her at a distance, Clarke doesn’t trust her with whatever is wrong and that deeply hurts Lexa. She wants to fix it, she wants to comfort Clarke now even as her own anxiety increases. She wants a lot of things, but she still doesn’t know what to do.

“It’s been a week since you’ve spoken to me. Tell me what I did, and I promise I’ll fix it.” Lexa steps forward, just one step but she doesn’t move any closer. There’s something so wrong and she hates that she doesn’t know what it is. She can feel every second pass in slow motion. It feels like Clarke is holding her hand over a cliff and trying to decide if she should help pull her up or if she should let her go.

Lexa is afraid.

Clarke shakes her head and her eyes are back on the floor, why does she not want to even look at her? What did she do that was so bad that Clarke can’t even look at her? “You didn’t do anything.” Her voice is small, cracking around syllables and Lexa thinks she’s going to cry but she doesn’t understand why. She doesn’t understand. The only thing she’s absolutely sure of is the pounding of her own heartbeat, the pounding that hurts, adrenaline but it’s not good this time. She can’t stop this from happening, but she desperately wants too. Clarke is not going to pull her up from the cliff and she’s so scared of the fall.

“Clarke, what’s going on?” Lexa frowns at the urgency in her own tone as Clarke lets out a breath. She is shaking too, whatever she’s thinking is hurting her and Lexa wants to protect her from it even though she doesn’t know what it is. She should want to protect herself because she can see it, she can see Clarke’s decision, can hear it in her voice, can feel the grip of her hand disappearing around her own and she’s scared and desperate for her to not let go but she has no control, she has no control over this.

“I don’t want to hurt you.” Clarke’s voice sounds small, smaller than she’s ever heard it and Lexa doesn’t like the words. Each one feels like a hard hit in the face because she knows what it means before Clarke even has to explain. She knows what’s happening she just… can’t believe it, doesn’t want to believe it.

_How could this be happening?_

She can feel her heart stop briefly before it continues its obnoxious pace of painfully pounding against her ribcage. She wonders if Clarke can see it on her face, the understanding. She wonders if Clarke can also see the plea in her eyes to not do this, if she’s choosing to ignore it. “What are you trying to say?” Lexa asks carefully because she doesn’t want to believe it, because it’s not fair because Clarke should just say it if it’s really what she wants even though Lexa isn’t sure she can handle hearing it. She should just get this over with.

“I think we made a mistake Lexa.” Clarke rushes out and Lexa can feel her heart take one sharp beat before it stops completely. She thinks in that moment it drops right out of her chest onto the hardwood floor below her feet. So vulnerable and open to the pain of Clarke’s simple words. _How could this be happening?_

_Why is this happening?_

“A… a mistake?” Her voice quivers around the words and she hates that she sounds so vulnerable in a moment where she could really use her walls. She’s ashamed of how weak she sounds and if this were any other moment she’d be angry with herself, anger is what Lexa knows best in these situations but anger isn’t what she feels in this very moment. She only feels the devastation settling in, like she can actually feel her heart on the floor cracking open and she hates being this vulnerable because Clarke doesn’t need to know what she’s doing to her. If Clarke’s going to crush her heart she at least doesn’t deserve the realization of it. She doesn’t deserve to know Lexa’s feeling at all.

“I think… I just… I messed up, I just. I want to be friends.” Clarke is so quiet when she says it. Maybe it’s because she feels guilty, guilty for leading Lexa down this road when she didn’t want it. Or maybe Clarke is lying… Lexa wishes her to be lying. Her eyes sting and she blinks too many times to try and will away the emotions that pile up. Thankfully Clarke is still not looking at her to see how much she’s struggling to keep them at bay.

She swallows the lump in her throat but can’t force more than one simple word out. “Friends?” And she can hear her own voice break around the word. She can hear it all, vulnerable and weak just for Clarke because she’s never been good at hiding her feelings from her. Clarke still doesn’t look at her but her left hand twitches and Lexa, just this once, has no idea what that means. She has no idea.

“I think I got caught up and I mixed up my emotions and I just want to be friends.” Clarke is still shaking, maybe she really is lying but Lexa can’t figure out why she would. “I don’t want… I don’t want to lose you.” She steps closer to Lexa, reaches out for her but Lexa steps back as she processes her words further. She can’t handle Clarke’s touch if Clarke is leaving her, leaving her before she ever really got to be with her. Leaving her because she doesn’t want her when Clarke is all Lexa has ever wanted.

_This isn’t fair._

She can feel each syllable like a slap in the face. “You, you mixed-” She hates that her voice breaks on every word still. There’s no strength in her tone and she can’t even feel her heart beating in her chest. She isn’t sure she wants to feel it, it probably would only make her hurt even worse than she does now.

“Lexa.” Clarke’s voice cracks at her tone and she’s finally looking at her. She still looks sad, and Lexa can tell she feels guilty, that’s why she’s so sad, because she does care about Lexa… it just may not be the way that Lexa had previously thought. Lexa looks at her, properly, in the eye and she isn’t sure what she’s searching for. A tiny glimmer of hope maybe that Clarke is lying even if she doesn’t know why she’d be lying, even if she couldn’t stop her from lying. Lying would be better than this being true. “I just think maybe we got caught up.”

Lexa feels her bottom lip quiver, so she bites it to quell in the emotion, but she isn’t sure how much longer she can listen to Clarke say things she never wanted to hear and keep the strength. “I-” Lexa cuts her voice off when it breaks again. She can feel her eyes stinging even more, her vision is blurring but she blinks a few times and it goes away again.

This is fine, she can do this, this is fine. _She’s fine._

“Please Lexa, you’re my best friend. I don’t want to lose you, tell me that you’re okay.” Clarke’s voice is steadier than her own, not weighed down by the heavy weight of the same kind of love. Only sad that she’s hurting Lexa. _She’s not lying._

Lexa can’t even remember how to breathe and it’s not fair, for things to be so drastically different for them. For it to hurt this much, it should be a two-way street, right? How is it possible to fall so deeply in love all by yourself? “I’m fine.” Lexa says, and she can feel the lie split through her like a ruler snapping against a desk. “You… you don’t want this?” She stands up straighter and stuffs her hands in her pockets, so Clarke doesn’t see them shaking, since balling them into fists wasn’t exactly working. Her whole body is shaking, she can’t hide this from anyone, let alone Clarke.

“I wanted… I _tried_. I can’t.” Clarke shakes her head and Lexa frowns but gives Clarke a shallow nod. She isn’t sure she can handle a full explanation right now. Perhaps later, perhaps when Lexa is able to think clearer she will ask again just so she can understand, but right now… right now all she wants is to run away.

“Okay.” She says simply, and Clarke just stares at her and for a long moment it is uncomfortably silent between them.

For the first time since Lexa met her, she doesn’t want to be around her. “Tell me we’re okay.” Clarke sounds desperate for the reassurance that everything will be fine. Lexa is always so good at giving it, even now her reflex is to comfort Clarke when it should be about protecting herself.

She’s still desperate to get away but still she lies, she lies so Clarke will feel better. “We’re fine. I… I’m gonna go.” She tries to sound casual, like it’s her busy schedule that’s keeping her from staying, but the crack to her voice and the quiver to her lower lip and the water in her eyes probably tell a different story.

Clarke’s sympathetic look only lets Lexa know that she can’t hide anything from her. “Lex,” She says quietly, and Lexa hates that the nickname slipping off her tongue makes her heart squeeze painfully in her chest. Powerfully painful, like someone is gripping her heart and squeezing as hard as they can and maybe even laughing in her face while they do it.

“It’s fine.” She nearly snaps but she doesn’t. “I’m going home.” She states and almost flinches at the hard tone of her voice. She wanted stoic, she wanted to be less vulnerable, she guesses there’s only two routes to handling this. Too much emotion, or not enough.

Clarke does flinch. “Please, wait, stay, let’s talk for a second. I don’t want to lose you and-”

“I promise you won’t lose me.” She says with less hardness and finds it almost funny that she wants to comfort Clarke right now… breaking her heart and she still cares more about her than she does herself. “I’m going home. Goodnight Clarke.” Her tone is back to being hard and Clarke doesn’t chase her as she leaves.

She thinks every step she takes the more the defeat settles in. The words circle through her head, over and over. She can hear Clarke’s voice even as she gets back to her dorm. She moves mechanically and when she enters and Costia takes notice of her blank expression and asks her what’s wrong she starts to cry.

She hates crying.

 

***

 

Despite how bad she feels Lexa manages to go through the motions of life normally. She doesn’t cry, not again, and though Costia keeps trying to get her to talk about it after awhile she gives up and only opts to hang out with Lexa whenever she can sense she doesn’t want to be alone. Because when she’s alone she feels it more and she’s not in the mood to feel anything at all. The thing about the off switch, even if she hasn’t fully pressed it, is that the only lingering emotion is anger.

Sometimes it’s hard, but other times she only feels empty. Like she really can’t feel anything at all. She moves mechanically through the motions of life. She studies hard, buries her nose in textbooks, spends the first Friday night at dinner with Costia and some of her art friends. She even manages to have some fun, it’s a party but she doesn’t drink. She doesn’t drink because alcohol will not take anything away, it’ll only make her feel it more.

On the outside she looks perfectly fine, normal. If it wasn’t for her lack of sleep, Costia would almost think that nothing is wrong with her at all. It’s really subtle things that show it off. Lexa running so early in the mornings that the sun has barely touched the sky. Lexa hardly sleeping the nights before her runs, maybe three hours at most, only to wake up nearly every time from a bad dream. Lexa spending most of her free time at the gym when she’s not studying and when Costia hasn’t managed to coax her to go out with her.

It’s little things like Lexa taking longer showers than normal and coming out looking tired. Lexa pushing food around on her plate and muttering about it’s lack of taste almost bitterly, like she doesn’t understand it. Lexa only paying attention to her phone to answer her brother’s calls and text her sister back when she insists on checking up on her again.

And Lexa knows that Anya has been in close contact with Costia, when she doesn’t answer her phone she’s sending messages to Costia who’s always there for some reason. Turning music up late at night when Lexa can’t sleep and decides to study instead, Costia who cracks small little jokes so Lexa will at least laugh a little bit, Costia who wakes Lexa up when she doesn’t come out of her dreams and stays by her side when they’re out just in case Lexa gets too uncomfortable and wants to go home.

How can Lexa effectively feel anything when she’s got her sister always on her phone and Costia always trying to make her feel better, hardly ever leaving her alone? She welcomes it, she loves that her time is invaded because it keeps her mind occupied and keeps the anger at bay.

When the moments are quiet, like when Costia is sleeping or the gym is mainly empty, or even her morning runs where she opts for no music she just focuses on her movements, one simple task to the next. She forces herself to think so little. One foot in front of the other, one punch here and another there, lift this and set it here, flip this page, tap this pen against the paper to make a rhythm because she’s bored. Just as long as she’s not thinking about anything else. Just as long as she’s not thinking about her.

It works, for a while it works really well. She flies through her finals, does so well on them she actually surprises herself. She doesn’t look at Clarke when they’re in the same class and avoids every place she knows Clarke will be. When Aden asks her to come home for break she does, telling Costia she’ll be back in a week asking her to try and encourage her sister to come too, maybe if they team up she’ll listen.

It makes Costia laugh and she hugs Lexa before she leaves for the airport. Lexa keeps the hug short because she doesn’t like the way it makes her suddenly feel, that squeeze around her heart that she almost forgot she still had. She had figured that it was still lying on the floor in Clarke’s apartment.

When her eyes grow watery she cuts the hug short abruptly, pulling back from Costia’s warm and comforting embrace and blinking the tears away before she sees. It’s not fast enough, Costia does see and she tries to hug her again, to talk to her but Lexa just insists she’s fine, thanks Costia for her concern and is off to go home.

When she’s home and faraway from Clarke something snaps inside of her. The annoyance, the anger that comes with the off switch dissipates and instead it again becomes more devastating. Maybe it’s the way her brother hugs her for the first time, or the fact that her parents fight at the dinner table and she takes him for ice cream so he for once doesn’t have to listen to it like she used to do when she lived at home. Maybe it’s being with him and wishing Anya was here with them that does it, but for the first time in a very long time, or at least, what feels like a long time, she can feel her heart beat in her chest.

It’s shallow and steady and it hurts and she’s afraid Aden will see her cry but she manages not to in front of him. She manages a full game of chess and even a movie. He’s too big to carry to bed anymore so she just lays a blanket over him and ruffles his hair affectionately after he falls asleep mid-way through the action film.

She knows she’s crying when the vision of him blurs in front of her and she immediately goes to her room, clicking the door shut behind her and crawling into her bed so that she can hide in her pillows. Normally, if she was starting to feel it, she’d run. But she felt so tired, too tired to get up and run. She no longer has a membership at the gym up the street and seeing anyone else right now… she just can’t do it.

She misses her. She misses her terribly and, in the night, only lets herself feel it. She misses her smile and the way her hair smells and feel of her body against her own. She misses her stupid sweater and her laugh and that look in her eyes right before she’s touching her. She misses the twitch of her left-hand as she traces her tattoo and watching her paint in the evening.

She misses her so much and it only aches more to know that Clarke does not miss her back in the same way. She still hopes she does, she still glances at her phone at random times hoping to find some message from her there that takes it all back. She still hopes to open her dorm room when she gets back and see her standing there with an “I take it back” on her lips. She still walked by the library in hopes Clarke would be there to see her go by and stop her and kiss her and tell her she didn’t mean it.

But hope was stupid and love… _love_ , in reality, was not all it was cracked up to be. As beautiful as it was, it sure hurt too much to feel worth it, at least right now it did. She cries in her bed, alone, and wonders when the pain will start to go away. It’s starting to feel like it never will.

There’s a knock on her door that jerks her from her pillows. She sniffles and wipes at her eyes, she could have sworn she hadn’t even made a noise, any sounds of weeping trapped into the cushions. “Come in,” And her voice cracks along the words but that can’t be helped. She’s been crying and she can’t hide that now.

“It’s me.” Anya mutters as she enters through the door and Lexa gives her a smile, forced and painful even though she’s so happy to see her sister here. Her vision blurs more and she nearly laughs that the sight of her sister makes her want to cry even more. “Oh Lexa,” She coos and is across the space between them in no time, sitting on the edge of the bed and pulling her into her arms.

Lexa clings to her sister, and Anya doesn’t say much more but she holds her tightly. She listens to her softly mumble in her ear comforting words and it helps, for a while it helps and Anya stays with her until she falls asleep, unable to keep puffy eyes open anymore. Anya says something to her, something involving Clarke as she falls asleep but she doesn’t know what it is. She only knows she says “ _Clarke_ ” and dreams of her when she finally falls asleep.

It’s just become afternoon when Anya wakes her up, careful with her as she caresses wild curly strands of hair. She’s bent beside the bed and looking at her sympathetically and where Lexa would normally grow annoyed at such a look she can’t help but find it comforting, just in this moment. It’s the most sleep she’s gotten in weeks, and while she’s still barely awake the pain in her chest is minimal.

Anya doesn’t make her talk about it, even if she insists that maybe Lexa should pay attention to her phone over the next week. Lexa, subconsciously does, but the hope feels ugly. Hope keeps the fire burning and that fire hurts, it’s deep and turning her heart to ash and she doesn’t think it’s healthy, nor can she handle it much longer.

So when Clarke texts her that night she doesn’t open it. She just stares at her phone for a very long time. She looks at her name, keeps clicking the home button on her phone to light up the screen and see it, over and over. She wanted to open it, god did she want to open it, she missed her. She missed her so much but she was afraid, afraid to open it and at the same time. Angry. Anger was an emotion that Lexa knew well growing up and had often handled it by working out and taking up kickboxing with Anya. Anya helped her. She hasn’t felt this angry in a long time, minus how pissed she’s been whenever Niylah is around.

So when she did unlock her phone she didn’t bother to read it, she just got rid of the notification and plugged her phone in and went to bed. She’d pretend that she didn’t toss and turn for another two hours before she finally fell asleep, again getting barely any before she’s up and running again. She doesn’t take her phone with her.

There’s another message, she doesn’t read that one either.

It’s two nights before she has to go back, Clarke has left her a total of five text messages and two voicemails. She’s not opened a single one. Anya asks her about it and Lexa brushes her off. But it’s enough. Why is Anya so curious about it anyway? And what does she even know? And why should Lexa open these messages just to feel disappointed, just to be reminded of have badly she’s hurting. Of how Clarke has hurt her, even if that’s not fair either.

None of its fair and Lexa was getting more impatient with the situation than ever.

But she did open the messages. That night she opened them, sitting in her bed, unable to sleep again and staring down at grey bubbles. She isn’t saying much, but it’s enough to make Lexa’s eyes water anyway because she wants to reply to them. She wants to talk to her, she desperately wants that but she still doesn’t think that she’ll handle it right. She’s too afraid that she’ll cry in front of Clarke or get really angry and she doesn’t want to do that but she’s also so livid that she doesn’t want to reply to punish her. She’s angry with her, for the first time ever since knowing her she’s truly angry at her and she knows her anger isn’t completely valid, isn’t exactly fair but she’s angry nonetheless.

So she stares for a long while.

_Tuesday, March 27, 2018_

**Clarke (** _9:33 P.M._ **):** I’m sorry.

_Wednesday, March 28, 2018_

**Clarke (** _6:15 A.M._ **):** Can I call you? I really need to talk to you.

**Clarke (** _6:21 A.M._ **):** Lex, pls.

_Thursday, March 29, 2018_

**Clarke (** _5:30 P.M._ **):** Pls answer your phone

And the last one, two minutes ago.

**Clarke (** _8:22 P.M._ **):** Pls talk to me

But Lexa won’t listen to the voicemails. She can’t. She’s afraid of them. She’s afraid of how she’s going to feel hearing Clarke’s voice. She misses it so much, the rasp to it, the way it wraps around her name, how the tone changes with her mood, subtle but Lexa always catches it.

She misses it so much, she misses her.

She powers down her phone so that if Clarke messages again she won’t see it right away and well… to keep herself from responding. She can already feel the itch in her fingertips. God, she wants too. She wants to call her and cry and tell her she’s an idiot and that she loves her and that she’s sorry for ignoring her but she also wants to yell at her and tell her that she has every right to ignore her if she damn well wants too. There’s so many emotions, too many for Lexa to keep up with, so she does what she does best when she feels like this.

She powers down, much like a phone. She has no plans to turn herself back on.

 

***

 

When she gets back from break and greets Costia with a hug her roommate tells her how she looks good and Lexa takes the compliment. She’s unpacking when her phone goes off and she looks at it only to see if it’s her little brother, though a frown forms across her face when she reads Clarke’s name… well, the _C_ that stands for Clarke, since changing it made her feel somewhat better when having to look at it whenever Clarke would message her.

She feels a spike of annoyance at the letter and scoffs despite opening it, her roommate now looking at her from across the room.

**C (** _11:00 A.M._ **):** Ik ur back, can we pls meet, there’s so much I want to say, pls give me a chance to make this right?

Lexa’s anger dissipates briefly and is replaced again with that false hope, rising and squeeze around her barely feeling heart. She hesitates, feeling the power to her emotions come back like a light switch rather than a power button on a phone. She taps on the screen so the keyboard pops up and stares at it blankly for a second as she tries to think of what to say.

**C (** _11:03 A.M._ **):** I’m not losing this friendship without a fight

Lexa’s eyes water at the incoming text and she curses as she hits the power button on her phone. Of course, Clarke is only worried about their friendship, of course Clarke only cares about if Lexa is going to keep her promise or not. She blinks until the tears in her eyes have gone and she hits the off switch again.

She clenches her jaw and jumps when she feels Costia’s hand on her lower back. “You alright?” She asks gently, her voice a welcome distraction as she lets the phone drop out of her hands and onto her bed.

She turns to meet Costia’s eyes. “Yeah, I’m okay.” She lies. “You want to get pizza or something?” She forces a smile onto her lips but it must not look forced because Costia softens the same way she always does when Lexa smiles at her.

“Sure, I could text Anya and-”

Lexa shakes her head to stop her. “No, no, what about just me and you?” She’d much rather be with someone who will help distract her from her problems rather than try to make her talk about them. Anya knows how she gets, Anya will force her to feel things she doesn’t want to feel. She knows Lexa better than anyone. For now, she just wants to be distracted and Costia seems more than willing to be her distraction.

Costia stares at her a second, like she’s thinking really hard about what she’s saying. Her eyes bounce back and forth between her own before they flit all over her face and Lexa is about to change her mind about it if it’s going to take that much thinking but than Costia is speaking up again before she can. “Yeah, yeah, that sounds good.” She offers her a warm smile and Lexa lets out a breath as she offers her a shallow nod in her own reply.

She grabs her phone off the bed and shoves it in her pocket with no intention of replying to Clarke. Not now, and not later, maybe not ever… of course realistically that’s not true. If Clarke keeps it up she will have to reply and she knows she will have to face her and the reality of their friendship at some point but she puts it off. She puts it off as long as she can because again, she’s afraid and she’s _angry_.

 

***

 

When the term starts she forces herself back into the monotonous routine of things. She studies, she does papers, she goes to classes on time, even early. She helps Indra after her class to avoid Clarke whenever she waits for her outside the door. She stops waiting after the first week, Lexa makes it appoint to never meet her eyeline so Clarke knows she doesn’t want to see her.

It's a lie on Lexa’s part, but it’s a lie she knows she’s playing well. Lexa’s anger may be muted but it’s powerful.

It gets harder every time though. She can see her in the corner of her eye every day, looking at her just hoping Lexa will look back. Or maybe Lexa is imaging that, maybe what Clarke’s looks really are, are only that of sympathy and pity and guilt for hurting a friend she cares about. Because Clarke does care about her. Clarke has a lot of feelings, that hasn’t changed. Lexa’s just… so furious when she’s not immensely upset, emotionless or missing her, she’s so enraged with her. Unreasonable anger but it’s there nonetheless and it shoes when she’s kickboxing with Lincoln.

Her new workout habits have her coming home with bruises and Costia tends to her every night. Lexa’s muscles have become more defined, she’s no longer losing them and Costia’s eyes stray whenever she’s helping patch her up or Lexa’s changing her shirt. Lexa does her favor and pretends not to notice.

She does think about Costia though. She thinks about it briefly on her loneliest nights. Costia is so close to her and she knows Costia likes her. It would be so easy with her feels off, to drown her sorrows in a pretty girl, to have a body just for a while. To forget that Lexa is hopelessly in love with someone that is not in love with her.

She ultimately never will act on such thoughts though. Despite how her head says a rebound would make her feel better she knows its untrue. Costia is her friend who she’d only end up hurting and Lexa would be disappointed that Costia is not Clarke and disappointed in herself for even trying to find someone else to fill the Clarke sized whole in her heart. Nobody else can fill it, it’ll be that way for the rest of her life she’s sure.

So in result, even more time at the gym, even more sessions involving get punched and kicked in the face the same amount she’s doing the punching and kicking and it increases her roommates worry until she’s getting her sister involved and Lexa comes back to her dorm one day after Indra’s class, already feeling on edge and ready to hit the gym only to find her sister and Costia waiting for her so they can talk with her.

She insists she’s fine but Anya forces her to sit down. “I know you’re not.” She tells her sternly and Lexa knows she’s not getting away with it this time. Anya will make her talk about it and she doesn’t want to because talking about it will make her feel it more, will force her to pay attention to it. She’s turned it off but Anya is forcing it back on and she’s angry about that too. The only emotion she can feel when she turns everything else off it tense anger and Anya knows this better than anyone.

She doesn’t realize she’s raised her voice until after she’s done it. “I don’t want to fucking talk about her okay? Just leave me alone.” Her voice is loud and dangerous and it makes Costia flinch but Anya doesn’t bat an eyelash. She’s seen and heard worse from Lexa before.

“You’re going to talk to me whether I have to sit on you and pry it out of you or not.” Anya’s good at not taking her shit, Anya’s been by her side since she was small. Anya knows her better than anyone and if anyone can get Lexa turn the lights back on it’s her.

She’s just… resisting a lot more than she normally would. “I spend all my time…” Her voice is dangerously calm when she starts. “Trying my hardest not to feel it, to put it behind me, to focus on my work, to be here, and you seem like you’re doing everything you can to remind me that the girl I’m in love with has just decided that she doesn’t feel anything back and its really fucking annoying me. So you’re going to move and let me go to the gym so I have something to punch.” She’s shaking, much in the same fashion she had when Clarke was rejecting her.

She doesn’t hide it though, if Anya wants her emotions she’s going to her damn emotions. “Lex, come on, she’s right. You’ve been so… tense since you got back from your visit home.” Costia’s eyes are looking at her, round and sympathetic and for a second the anger dissipates because she doesn’t want to upset Costia. Costia has been really good to her through this. Costia spent the first night of Lexa’s heartbreak handing her tissues and rubbing her back.

“She does this Cos.” Anya leans back against the dorm room door still firmly in place so Lexa cannot leave. “She bottles it up. She hits the off switch until she boils over and flips out when she drops a pencil. I thought you were handling it. You weren’t using the gym as an anger outlet anymore. You were expressing yourself.” Anya is mainly concerned for her, she can see it in her eyes but Lexa is so annoyed with her that she can’t even feel grateful for it.

“I don’t do that and I’m fine!” She shouts and Costia flinches. It briefly makes Lexa feel bad but her eyes don’t leave Anya long enough to let the emotion settle in enough to calm her down. She really wants to leave, to get out of this caged corner and punch something. Why won’t Anya let her leave?

“You do and no you’re not!” Anya raises her voice too to match Lexa’s. “What happened that night Lexa, when you aren’t crying about it you’re pretending everything’s okay and you know what? You want to know how Clarke is.” Anya leans off the door to step far too close to her, mentioning Clarke’s name must be a new tactic.

Lexa knows the emotion flashes in her eyes long enough for Anya to see it. “No!” She tries to snap, she tries to sound as angry as she’s been feeling but it comes out weak and low. _How does Clarke feel?_ A selfish part of her wants her to feel the exact same way Lexa is feeling, but the logical part of her knows she can’t possibly feel the same things when she doesn’t love her in the same way and the empathic part of her would never wish this much pain on Clarke. _Never_.

It doesn’t matter how angry Lexa gets, she doesn’t want Clarke to hurt. “She’s upset, she looks like shit and I mean… she fucking should because she was an idiot but just… talk to her Lexa and talk to me because you can’t go on like this.” Anya’s concern is evident even more so.

Lexa feels attacked. She doesn’t understand why Anya isn’t on her side, she’s supposed to be always on her side. How can she defend Clarke after Clarke has hurt her so badly? She doesn’t understand and it only makes her angrier. “Talk to her! That’s what you’re going to say!?”

“Yes, you need it. You need to hear whatever it is she has to say and she needs to say it to you. I don’t know what happened Lexa but she’s torn up, she looks as bad as you do and I’m on your side I always am, and me telling you to talk about it and to calm down and to get closure isn’t me taking anyone else’s. It’s me looking out for you.” Anya pokes at her chest that Lexa has puffing out a bit with her heaving breathes.

She shaking still and clenching her jaw as the grip on her gym back grows tighter as not to lash out on the nearest wall. “Well I don’t need you to look out for me. I can take care of myself. _Move_.” She’s so pissed off that she misses the step forward Costia takes at her tone and the flash of hurt that surfaces in her sister’s eyes.

“Lexa.” Costia’s voice is still soft and she feels the girl touch her arm and it’s gentle and Lexa feels her shoulders relax at the touch. “I don’t know what she did either but your sister is right… I mean I disagree with her about talking to Clarke. I don’t think Clarke deserve to hear from you at all after what she’s done. I’m incredibly pissed off about it honestly, I would probably punch her in the face if she was here-”

“No.” Lexa whispers and looks down. “She doesn’t deserve that.” The anger slowly dissipates, slowly. Like she tumbling down a mountain and is unable to grab a branch.

“But I’m on your side and I just want you to trust me, to trust us enough to talk to us. Let yourself feel it even though it hurts and I promise, we’re here to catch you.” Costia’s tone is soft and warm and inviting and Lexa can feel it wrap around her like a warm hug.

Lexa blinks back her tears. “It’s fine.” She says firmly and Costia’s touch falls away. “She just… doesn’t feel the same way. That’s all. She doesn’t love me back. And there’s nothing that can be done about that. I just have to accept it, and I will. I am. But please, please stop reminding me all the time because I promise I think about it enough." Lexa looks up and meets her sister’s eyes and maybe Lexa holds a plea in her own that finally has Anya moving away from the door.

“Okay,” She mumbles. “I still think you should talk to her.” She insists but her tone has lost its sternness as well.

“Or not.” Costia grumbles and Lexa would laugh at the way Anya glares at her if she wasn’t feeling all of her emotions swirl so strongly inside of the pit of her stomach, making her nausea. She’s almost afraid she is actually going to throw up.

“I’ll see you guys later tonight.” Lexa mumbles, nearly defeated as she grips her gym bag tightly and makes for the door, pulling it open without looking back at them. She doesn’t realize she’s pulled out her phone and is clicking at Clarke’s contact until she’s outside of her own building.

She types in “are you okay?” three times and erases it each time instead of hitting send. She wants Clarke to be okay. Anya’s words make her think about Clarke lying awake at night in her own bed, tossing and turning as Lexa ignores her an she knows it hurts Clarke. Clarke values her friendships, Clarke doesn’t let people in easily and despite not loving Lexa in quite the way Lexa had wanted and hoped for, Clarke loved Lexa as her friend, her best friend.

Lexa was letting her down with every message she didn’t return. A bitter part of her was telling her it was a good thing that Clarke was feeling some kind of loss, some kind of pain from this mess that she caused, that she should have consequences. But another part of her brain, the deeply in love part, the part that is Clarke’s best friend can only think about how she doesn’t deserve it. She doesn’t deserve to hurt no matter how much Lexa is hurting.

She doesn’t send a message but her session with Lincoln that night is much less aggressive and she’s distracted for most of it. When she meets Anya and Costia at the Diner across from the campus she’s relieved that they don’t bring Clarke up and instead they spend dinner discussing Spring term and any new professors they all might have. It’s nice but Clarke is at the back of Lexa’s mind, there and itching at her thoughts. Anya had switched her lights back on and now she couldn’t stop thinking about her.

 

***

 

Lexa clicked her pen, once, twice, three times but it did nothing to quell her thoughts, though none of her thoughts could untangle themselves well enough to become a coherent sentence. She just sat, watched the cursor blink repeatedly. The empty document, aside from the header with her name, stared her down.

She couldn’t write a damn thing.

She clicked her pen, once, twice, three times. Nothing. She chewed on the end of it, nothing. She tapped her fingers to the rhythm of that song she can’t get out of her head that her roommate keeps turning the volume up to, nothing. Perhaps it was normal for anyone else to suddenly run into this issue, but it absolutely was not normal for Lexa. This never happened to her. She could blindly do a paper half asleep and with unorganized paragraphs and still manage an A.

She couldn’t write one damn sentence. It was absolutely useless to try in this state.

She huffed, clicked her pen, once, twice, three times and slammed her laptop shut. She glared at it, like it was the electronics fault for not automatically knowing what she wanted to say and how to say it, like it’s the laptops fault she can’t fucking think.

It’s not.

“Distracted?” She held in the second huff that wanted to escape her at that voice. She didn’t need to look, it was obvious who it was. This was their spot after all. If she came here to study, why or how could she expect to get anything done? Maybe she wanted Clarke to find her, even if she didn’t. Maybe she wanted her to say something she knew would never come from her lips. Maybe she just missed her so much that even seeing her, just for a moment, no matter how painful, was enough to convince her to come. She couldn’t stop thinking about her and she was as angry about that as everything else.

Why did she come here, if she knew all it would do is hurt more?

“A little bit.” She humors her because maybe if she answers she’ll leave her alone for a while. After all, Clarke Griffin is kind of the last person she’s in the mood to see right now, or hear, or even smell, Lexa still thinks it’s more vanilla cinnamon than the blonde ever admits. The smell used to be addictive and in its own way it still is but all it does now is turn her stomach.

“I could help you.” Clarke’s voice is soft, so familiar to what Lexa is used to but all it does is disappoint her. Lexa snorts because no she couldn’t. Lexa was the tutor in their original relationship and Clarke fucking hates studying, no she fucking couldn’t. All she does is make it worse. That’s all she keeps doing for her. So why is Lexa still in love with her?

“What do you want Clarke?” Lexa asks with a sigh, more defeated than she’d like it to be. She’d like for once not too seem so god damn weak in front of her, but she thinks at this point… at this level, it isn’t possible. It’ll most likely never be possible and that just irks on Lexa’s nerves even more so. She can feel the anger beginning to build, burning in her chest until she’s clenching her jaw.

Clarke sits next to her, but she doesn’t bother to look at her, even though she can see the light wisps of her hair, taking in the scent she denies, the dazzle of blue she’s forcing herself to pretend doesn’t exist. She won’t look because it’s what Clarke would like her to do only in this moment. She won’t look because if she does, she’ll keep looking, and there’s no point. There’s no point in looking at someone that doesn’t actually want you to look at them in the way that Lexa can’t help but look at her.

“I don’t know what happened Lex, everything happened so fast and I haven’t seen you and you won’t answer my texts or my calls.” Clarke doesn’t touch her, Lexa is too afraid to look at her. “Can you look at me?” Clarke’s voice sounds low and vulnerable. Every instinct Lexa has is to drop her own pain and focus on Clarke’s. To fix it and mend it and heal it, even as it breaks her.

She _hates_ this feeling, this vulnerable angry heartbreak weighing her down. “Clarke,” Lexa lets out that sigh, that long drawn out heavy sigh she had been hoping she wouldn’t let out because it makes her sound distressed and hurt and she doesn’t mean to sound like that. She’s supposed to be stronger than that, but Clarke always makes her feel so damn weak.

She looks, even though she shouldn’t. She looks at her and she is overwhelmed with how much she misses her. Clarke looks so tired too. She’s never seen her look so tired before. “What can I do?” Clarke’s hand is inching toward her own, flat on the table, but she would never touch her without her permission, Lexa knows that.

Clarke doesn’t know that she always has it. “You can’t do anything.” Lexa shakes her head and forcibly looks away, which is harder than forcing the words out for her school paper. She just wants to stare at her, for a while, imprint her to memory. She misses her so much that she wants nothing more than to pull Clarke into her arms and that upsets her, pisses her off because she should be stronger than this but she should also not still be pining.

“I just want to fix this so… what can I say to get you to listen to me?” Clarke sounds desperate, but Lexa doesn’t know for what. Because they’re friends, because Lexa doesn’t act like this, because she’s not used to it, but Lexa can’t comfort her. Lexa can’t fix it because it’s broken already, and she doesn’t have healing hands despite how hard she tried and she did try, she tried so hard.

“It’s not you.” She mumbles it too quiet because this isn’t what she needs, to explain how Clarke has broken her heart is not something she needs. She doesn’t want it, she hates this.

“Lexa,” _Desperate_ , why is she so desperate?

Lexa wants to ask but she doesn’t want to hear the answer. It’s not like Clarke is bad, it’s not like she’s lied about herself or who she was, it’s not like she didn’t have endless warnings, it’s not like Raven didn’t tell her Clarke’s complicated. There’s nothing wrong with her. It’s the fact that Lexa is still so in love with her. That’s the only real problem. Lexa is in love with her but Clarke… Clarke just isn’t, and she must accept that, no matter how fucking hard that is.

“Just forget it? You really think you and I, are meant to be friends?” Lexa scoffs at the idea, like the words falling from her mouth don’t turn her stomach. But she’s so angry and Clarke has come to her at a bad time though she’s not sure that there ever would be a good time. “We weren’t.” Lexa slams the textbook shut. “You needed someone to help you pass Indra’s class, I had a 102%, that’s all it was.” That’s not true either because Clarke didn’t have a C, she never did. That’s not true and Lexa knows it but she’s hoping that if she can pretend this was simple from the start than maybe it will hurt less and Lexa can finally start to move on from the consistent pain she feels in her chest whenever she wakes up.

It doesn’t hurt less. “ _Lexa_.” Clarke’s shaking her head, looking horrified and desperate and Lexa hates that she wants to comfort her. She hates that she wants to make her feel better. She doesn’t deserve this. She doesn’t deserve Lexa’s love because she doesn’t want it so why can’t Lexa take it back? Why does Clarke still have a firm grip on her heart when she doesn’t even care about her heart? When she had so easily stomped on it back in her apartment?

“That’s all it was.” Lexa says more firmly, she must be doing well at concealing how incredibly hurt she is, masking it with the only emotion she can mask it with and that’s anger. She must look cold because Clarke looks almost scared of her. “Someone like you and someone like me… we don’t become friends, we don’t stay friends.” Lexa is surprised she’s desperately missing that emptiness she had felt with the lights off earlier when she had avoided Clarke. Now being here, and talking to her and being around her, she feels everything, and she doesn’t want to feel anything.

“Lexa, you know that’s the furthest thing from the truth.” Clarke’s eyebrows are furrowed with surprise, maybe she’s confused because Lexa hasn’t explained a damn thing… but why does she have to? Why is it always up to her to be the better person? All Lexa wants is a break, a break from being responsible, a break from being rational, a damn break from being in love with Clarke Griffin.

Lexa ignores her, packing things into her bag and shakily stuffing her laptop in even as it resists. She’s shaking and agitated and tries to force it so that she can break out in the run she desperately wants to be in. She’s angry enough that she can feel herself ready to say things she doesn’t mean and she desperately doesn’t want to hurt Clarke despite it all. “Please Clarke, just leave me alone.” She says, her voice cold and quivering and so full of emotion she can’t stop herself from feeling when the very center of her heart is staring at her like she’s single handedly crushing her.

She’s not crushing her. Clarke doesn’t care, not the same way she does. Clarke will get over it. “Lexa do you not even want to be friends, you don’t want anything?” Clarke sounds more impatient now, voice rising to a level that causes the few studying college students to glance over at them in annoyance. The librarian glances at them but she says nothing, though there’s a slight frown on her lips. “After everything, you just want to drop it all? I want to fix this. I just… I don’t know how. I don’t know how to say what I want to say. I don’t know how to get it out.” Clarke stands up as Lexa finally gets the computer to fit in her bag. She’s confused, Lexa knows she’s confused but… why does it always have to be her to explain? To fix and mend and place the light in her eyes.

She feels so terrible, like the entire world is dark and she can’t swim out. “It doesn’t matter, whatever this was, it doesn’t mean anything to you does it?” Lexa makes for the door, rushing past Clarke as fast as she can without actually running. But Clarke chases her because letting her go, leaving her alone to swallow her heartache would be just too damn easy. Why not force her to feel it? Everyone else keeps trying to, why not add Clarke to that list.

Why would Clarke ever give her a break when all Clarke does is make her feel? “How can you say that to me? If you would just pick up your stupid fucking phone-” She sounds determined, the furrow still between her eyebrows, the agitation still in her voice.

Lexa hates that all she wants to do is comfort her. How can someone break your heart and yet all you care about is them? “Did you care this much when you told me that being with me was a mistake, that it didn’t mean anything?” Lexa snaps, ripping her arm from Clarke’s grasp. She’s angry, so angry. “That you made a mistake because you just want to be friends?” She can feel it building up and it’s unattainable now.

Clarke won’t leave her alone and that’s her mistake. “Lexa that wasn’t-”

“I thought everyone was wrong about you. I really did.” Lexa whips back around, uncomfortable with staring into Clarke’s eyes when her heart is pounding so damn hard, still in individual pieces. Uncomfortable with looking at her when hurtful things sit on her tongue just to punish Clarke for all this pain she’s caused her.

She’s trying to get away before she boils over but she can’t seem to move fast enough. “They are!” Clarke chases her out of the building, she can feel the slight brush of her fingertips against her wrist again, but Clarke doesn’t grip, retracting her touch quickly as Lexa whirls around on her.

“If I was, Clarke, we wouldn’t be having this conversation because you never would have said what you said.” There’s anger in her tone and maybe it’s in her eyes because Clarke recoils, looking at her so wide eyed like she can’t possibly fathom why Lexa is acting like this.

This look, this Lexa has never been directed at her before and she’s certainly not used to it. “Lexa, I didn’t mean it, what you heard, that was just me-”

“saying things because having feelings is stupid right? Or maybe you really don’t have them, maybe you are empty inside and you really just don’t give a shit about anyone?” Lexa has half the mind to throw her bag down with the frustration, back Clarke up against the wall behind them so she can’t escape from the words she’s about to whirl but she can’t manage the energy, or the will to break her laptop when she might have already done so stuffing it in her bag.

“That’s not fair.” Clarke shakes her head; voice quivering, and Lexa knows what she said was wrong but she’s boiling. It’s not true, Clarke cares about people. It’s not fair of her to be so angry just because Clarke can’t return these feelings. “Anya was right, wasn’t she? What she told me, about how you feel? That’s why you’re so mad.” Clarke goes to reach for her looking almost guilty and even apologetic but Lexa steps back and Clarke’s hand falls to her side.

She doesn’t have time for her pity.

She clenches her jaw, grits her teeth, forces the words out and hopes she doesn’t sound so fucking weak. “It doesn’t matter.”

“It does.” Clarke rushes to say, the desperation is back but Lexa only shakes her head.

“Just leave me alone, things were a lot better when you flicked erasers at me across the room.” She turns back around to leave, desperate to get away, away from her. She loves her so much that she feels like she hates her too.

“Lexa please.” Clarke’s fingers brush her wrist again.

Lexa turns back around, feeling her energy dissipate, the tiredness is on its way. Soon she will feel empty again and she’s so upset that she’s actually looking forward to it. “What else is there to say?” Lexa stares at Clarke. “You don’t feel it, do you?” Lexa searches because there it is again, that hope that she does, that she returns it one hundred percent, that Lexa isn’t stuck and alone in all these feelings Clarke just doesn’t have. That maybe Clarke really was lying that night.

But she’s never wrong… not about things like this. “Lexa, you promised.” Clarke’s head hangs as a look of disappointment crosses her face but that’s not fair. No that’s not fair. Not after everything, she doesn’t get to be the one that’s disappointed.

Lexa can’t stay for it, doesn’t want to hear it. “Some promises are made to be broken.” Lexa says a lot more defeated than she means to. “And it’s not your fault. I just can’t do this. I’ll see you around.” She’s so much weaker now, like hope can only be crushed so many times before it takes your whole heart completely.

“Please, Lexa you’re my best friend I-”

“I’m sorry.” Lexa shakes her head, turning away and not looking back, her heart failing in her chest. She thinks Clarke starts to cry as she walks away but she forces herself to continue walking. Only a moment ago her heart had felt like it was about to burst out of her, now it felt like it was already gone.

 

***

 

“Lexa?” She hears her sister’s voice and normally this would be the part where Lexa pretends she’s fine, like she’s been doing. Would sit up and smile at her sister and ask her about her day. But for once, Lexa just doesn’t feel like it. So she stays in her position, lying on her side, facing the blank wall in front of her.

She’s angry at Anya for the light she turned on but she’s not angry enough to act on it anymore. Instead, she’s incredibly exhausted and can feel the tears welling up in her eyes again. “Talk to me.” Anya nearly whispers and lays down with her but Lexa doesn’t move. She doesn’t turn to her like she desperately wants too, she doesn’t drown in Anya’s open arms like her littered and broken heart begs for her too.

She stays where she is, crying silently and staring at the wall in front of her, blurred as she sniffles in the quiet of the room. “I can’t get her to talk to me.” Costia whispers. “I don’t know what happened, she came in and went straight to her bed and hasn’t moved. I called when I realize she was crying, she won’t say anything.” Costia’s voice was but a whisper, like she feared speaking too loudly.

It was ridiculous. Lexa hurt, yes, but Costia and Anya paying so much attention to her heartache made it so much harder for Lexa to move on from it… or at least forget about it that is. She couldn’t be mad though, not really, they only care about her. They only care and Lexa is lucky they do. She just… _can’t_.

“Lexa please,” Anya whispers, her voice only ever this soft when Lexa is the one that can’t function properly. It’s hardly ever like this. Hardly ever. Lexa is usually the stronger one. Lexa’s the one that calms Anya down after meltdowns and takes Aden out for ice creams when the screaming gets too loud and helps the kid up from the ground when they’ve been pushed down. She’s not the one that needs the hand, not like this.

She’s ashamed of being so weak and that only makes her cry more.

She misses Clarke and keeps replaying her face in her mind when she told her she was sorry, that she couldn’t be her friend anymore. She was so hurt and Lexa is so annoyed that it bothers her so much. That her own heart is broken but god forbid she hurt Clarke back. She wants to call her and she hates that too. She wants to call her and apologize and tell her how much she misses her but she doesn’t. She stays right where she is, silently crying as Anya slowly wraps her arms around her.

“Lexa,” She whispers in her ear and Lexa releases a soft sob.

“I just miss her. I miss her so much.” She can still hear Clarke’s voice as she calls her name desperately, can still feel Clarke’s touch around her wrist when she grabbed it to stop her, can still see Clarke’s eyes when Lexa had stared at her with her anger.

She is sorry, sorry for hurting her back even if it’s not the same kind of hurt. She didn’t mean to break any promises. She wishes she could tell Clarke that but she can’t. “I know.” Anya whispers and holds her tightly. She must signal for Costia to give them some privacy because she eventually leaves, shutting the door behind her with a lingering look in Lexa’s direction.

“I saw her today.” Anya brushes brown locks of hair behind her ear.

“Is that what happened?” Anya whispers still, so gentle and careful. She thinks maybe she must have learned from all the times that Lexa had taken care of her.

“She wanted to talk.” Lexa voice is hoarse, rough from all the crying, her nose stuffy. “I told her I couldn’t talk to her anymore.” She nearly whimpers at that fact. She continues to replay the images, she wishes she hadn’t been so mad. She would say something else, maybe she’d let Clarke talk.

“Couldn’t talk to her ever?” Lexa could only nod and released a quiet sob as Anya held her tighter.

“I’m here.” She whispers comfortingly. “It’s okay. You can cry, feel it.” She encourages and Lexa does. “Tell me more.” She mutters helpfully because it’s the only way Lexa will finally feel at least a little bit better, at least she hopes.

She whimpers again. “I hurt her feelings.”

Anya sighs softly. “She hurt yours.”

“She did.” Lexa rubs at her cheeks, but the tears are still coming so it’s no use. “I love her, so much. She doesn’t love me back and it hurts. It’s not fair.” Lexa continues to wipe at her cheeks.

“I’m sorry.” Anya whispers gently. “Can I punch her in the face at least?” Anya says it with slight amusement in her tone and Lexa can’t help but appreciate the lighter attitude.

“No.” Lexa snorts, a wet chuckle escaping her and she can feel Anya smile as she kisses her head. “No, you can’t hurt her. You still have to be nice. I hate her but I love her.” Lexa sniffles and turns so she can see her sister better. “Love is kind of stupid.” She tells her in a scratchy whisper.

Anya wipes her tears away too, even if it’s still no use. “It is, isn’t it. But it’s kind of beautiful too.” She whispers and Lexa knows its something Anya’s heard from her. That’s definitely something she’d say.

“Can I be alone for a while?” She asks carefully because she doesn’t want Anya to think she’s pushing her out. She just needs some space to think for a while.

Anya gives her a soft smile. “Yes. I’ll take Cos out with us to the movies. Don’t go to the gym okay.” Anya gives her a pointed look and Lexa feels another wet chuckle escape her as she wipes under her eyes again.

“I won’t.” and she means it. Anya must believe her too because she doesn’t give her any suspicious looks.

She smiles slightly, soft and fond, but only slight at her sister. “As much as I’m all for your healthy outlet of getting punched in the face. I’d like to recognize you still.” She says with amusement.

Lexa gives another wet chuckle. “Does it go away Anya?”

“What?” Her voice is still so gentle.

“The pain?” Lexa asks her and she doesn’t know why she asks her and she already knows what she’s going to say but still, hearing it she thinks will be helpful enough right now.

Anya smiles sympathetically at her again and brushes her fingertips through her sister’s curls. “With time. It will get better.” She promises.

“Can you…” Lexa bites her bottom lip.

Her sister must be able to read her mind. “I’ll tell you how she is if you ask. And I’ll be nice. Clarke’s kind of grown on me actually.” Anya shrugs and grins at Lexa.

Lexa can’t help but smile slightly back, her mind still on Clarke, still replaying her expressions in her mind from their earlier conversation. “She does that.” She nearly whispers and Anya’s look softens yet again.

Anya chuckles too. “She does.” She lets out a sigh. “Still want to be alone?”

“Yeah, I want to think.”

“Alright.” Anya gently brushes her thumbs under Lexa’s eyes before she reluctantly parts from her. “I love you.” She tells her affectionately and leaves only when Lexa smiles at her and offers the sentiment in return.

 

***

 

“Lexa!” Luckily, she only has one earphone in so she hears Raven calling for her. She stops, turning slightly and waiting for the brunette to catch up in her slight run-limp walk thing she’s doing, her brace looking as if she had been in the middle of adjusting it before taking off.

“Hey Raven.” Lexa gives her a warm smile despite the ache in her chest. She’s been feeling it for some time now, heavy and hard. Sharp pains whenever she sees Clarke or something that reminds her of Clarke. She hoped Anya was right about time healing the pain because it still felt almost unbearable at times.

“I haven’t seen you in weeks.” Raven is breathing hard and Lexa wonders how long or fast she had been running toward her, brief concern for the slightly askew brace on her leg.

“You want to sit so you can fix that?” She offers, pointing down to the thing and Raven blinks and glances down as well.

“Oh right, uh, yeah, probably for the best. How long do you have before class, Indra’s right?”

“Yeah, ten minutes. I was trying to get there early. I’ve been late nearly every class since term began.” Lexa looks at her sheepishly and hopes Raven doesn’t ask why because she knows Raven knows it’s out of character for Lexa to be late anywhere.

The only reason Lexa is late is because there’s so many heads already in the class by the time she gets there and her new seat she’s taken in the front row keeps her from searching anywhere further up. She doesn’t have to worry about looking at Clarke. “This shouldn’t take long I just wanted to uh, I wanted to talk about Clarke.”

Lexa could feel the moment the power switched back off. Anya would tell her it was good she was feeling it, that she should stay on. But for some reason, the way Raven was looking at her and the way Clarke’s name rolled off her tongue turned off every emotion Lexa had besides slight annoyance. She’s thinks her eyes are still puffy from all the crying she’s done lately.

She stood up abruptly. “Actually, on second thought I should really be early and-”

“No, it’s not… Lexa wait.” Raven tugged on her wrist before she could get too far. “I know you’re upset and you have every right to be I’m not here to lecture you or anything I just… remember what I said about Clarke and her feelings?”

Lexa clenched her jaw and felt her palms curls into fist as she laid them into her lap, staring down at them. Lexa misses her, every time Raven says her name she can see her face, her smile, almost even hear her laugh and it sets up an even sharper ache in her chest. In turn, it annoys her, makes her angry all over again and she was just starting to relieve herself of that burden. “Look I…” Lexa takes in a deep breath to keep her tone soft, stoic. Raven doesn’t deserve her heartbroken anger. “I know Clarke’s your best friend and you’re just trying to look out for her, I know you’re trying to look out for me too and I appreciate that. But I’m really sick of talking about her. I’m tired of it Raven.” Lexa shakes her head. “Clarke told me she doesn’t feel the same way and there’s nothing we can do about it. I’m trying to accept it and move on and it would be a hell of a lot easier if people weren’t reminding me ever two seconds.”

“I’m not trying to upset you.” Raven’s tone is gentle and sympathetic. “Clarke’s just… she’s, frankly, a damn idiot Lexa. I’m trying to help her because she’s such an idiot. It’s not what you think, if you just talk to her she can-”

“We’ve done enough talking Raven. I’d like to catch up with you though, maybe a coffee after class?” Lexa looks at her and there must be something in her eyes that convinces Raven that she won’t be reaching whatever goal she had run after her to reach.

“I-” Raven seems like she’s going to say more but eventually releases a defeated sigh. “Yeah, that sounds nice. I’d like to catch up.”

“I’ve got to get going.” Lexa smiles at her friend, though she can feel how forced it is. “See you later, fix your brace.” She stands and is relieved to no end when Raven doesn’t try to stop her or chase after her again. She can’t take many more of these conversations.

She’s getting quite sick of them if she’s being honest.

 

***

 

She hates that she keeps looking at her phone on the rest of her walk to Indra’s. She hates that she’s hoping for something she has no right to hope for, especially after she told Clarke to leave her alone. She hates that she still wants her, even when Clarke doesn’t want her back. She hates it. She never knew things could feel like this. She hates it, she hates it, she _hates_ it.

She’s waiting even when she shouldn’t be, even when she knows what she’s waiting for will never come because Clarke doesn’t love her. Clarke doesn’t feel the same things and she’s stupid, so stupid to think that she ever would. With the warnings and the signs and the pure obviousness of it.

But god she’s still fucking waiting because Raven and Anya won’t let up and all it does is fuel her hope, hope that Clarke really is as miserable as she is and wants to take it all back, wants to be with her.

But girls like Clarke don’t like girls like Lexa. Loud and beautiful and so hard to look at. Clarke is the sun and Lexa is only Lexa and she’s stupid… _so stupid_. She hates that she keeps crying at night, and hitting things too hard at the gym and still staring at her phone as she tries to decide what the hell she should do with it. She doesn’t want it because it feels so empty.

She’s never felt so damn alone even though she’s got so many people that care about her. So many but she only really wants one right now and she can’t have her.

When she isn’t busy feeling too much, she’s busy feeling absolutely nothing but the small empty shallow breathes she takes when she can’t help the tears. She can’t feel anything and it’s ridiculous like someone, like Clarke has taken a box of her entire emotional feelings and locked them in a chest and tucked it below her arm when she ran from this. Maybe that’s what happens with the off switch, but no, that’s not fair. Lexa has used this off switch long before she meant Clarke.

It's just easy to blame it on her when the blame has to go somewhere.

When Lexa does feel, she just feels like a joke, _stupid_. She needs to escape so she runs but she feels empty. She’s taken up kicking boxing at Lincoln’s gym, Octavia watches her almost sympathetically and it only pisses her off. She hits Lincoln too hard and they have to take a break so she gets stuck with a punching bag a lot of the time. And yet she still feels... fucking empty. Her routines are mechanical, her days drag, her luck unbelievably bad and yet she doesn’t care. She doesn’t feel and when she does feel, she’s angry or she’s aching, or she’s fucking balling in her sister’s arms.

She’s so weak and she’s still so ashamed.

It’s all of this that Lexa thinks about on her walk to class after her talk with Raven. So maybe that’s what happens. Maybe it’s that. The flick of the eraser across the space, the explosion in her head when it touches her like it’s so much bigger than it actually was. Maybe she was embarrassing, Clarke is trying to get him to stop. Lexa doesn’t care. She can only feel anger. In that moment she’s only angry, and still in love with her and she hates it and feels so fucking stupid. All of Clarke’s text messages running through her head, her conversation with Clarke at the library, Anya insisting that she talks to her, Raven insisting that she talks to her. It all blows up.

So when she leaves the class abruptly, Indra calling after her as the door slams shut behind her, she doesn’t care that it’s raining. She didn’t even realize rain was on the forecast. She doesn’t care that its fucking cold rain too. She runs through it, escaping to the highest spot in campus, the anger exploding enough that her bag goes flying in the wet air, the covered wall with some useless flyers on the glass and the unlocked part that gives access to all of Clarke’s drawings come down, ripped and balled and ruined as it touches the mud.

She doesn’t even care. She’s tired. These drawings mean nothing, so why are they still there?

She yells at the wall through the rain, but it can’t hear her. The phone in her pocket rings so she throws it off the hill when the “C” for Clarke comes up on the screen. She watches it fall and shatter and her vision blurs when its gone. She _hates_ it. She hates this more than anything. She just wants it to be over, she just wants this to be over.

“Lexa,” She’s wet, soaking wet and the rain is still heavy, but that voice is clearer than ever, and Lexa can’t take it. She’s crying now, like a baby, yet again, and she hates it. Clarke makes her so weak, why does Clarke make her so weak? “Lexa,” Her voice is so gentle as she approaches her carefully, like she’s some caged animal that’ll skirt and run the moment she opens the door.

“Go away,” and she doesn’t say it angry even though she feels it. She doesn’t yell it like she wants to but her voice just cracks, the lump in her throat too big to really be coherent. She buries her face in her hands and then Clarke is around her and she tries to fight her for a moment because her touch will only make this broken heart worse, but she can’t. She can’t fight her because she loves her so much and eventually she falls into the embrace and she sobs like even more of a joke and Clarke holds her as Lexa clings to her, and she coos into her ear and says sweet things that Lexa’s always wants to hear but it still doesn’t mean anything.

Because Clarke doesn’t love her.

She won’t ever love her.

 

***

 

She’s so tired. Tired enough to fall asleep leaning against the wall beside Clarke’s door but she doesn’t. She doesn’t look at Clarke either. She’s still wet and cold and she ruined all of Clarke’s drawings and she’s starting to feel guilty about it. She’s starting to feel guilty about everything, like all of it is her stupid fault.

“Come on,” Clarke whispers softly, like if her tone is any louder Lexa will surely run from her this time. She doesn’t though, she just pulls herself off the wall as Clarke avoids touching her. The blonde pulls the door shut behind her as Lexa walks in without waiting for her. She goes to her room and doesn’t bother asking for anything else. Instead she just stands in the middle of the room and stares at the bed.

She hates that she can still remember every last moment she’s spent with Clarke in it.

She doesn’t know how long she stares but she jumps when she feels Clarke touch her back. She immediately retracts her hand after that because Lexa steps away from her. She doesn’t want to be touched, she doesn’t really want to be here even though at the same time she does.

She misses Clarke so much she can barely breathe.

“You’re shivering.” Clarke mumbles softly, still barely above a whisper. “You need to get into something warm.” Lexa doesn’t meet her eyeline, she already feels like a joke enough, no need to see the pity to add to the open wound.

Lexa just nods in recognition of what she’s saying. Clarke floats around the room and Lexa wipes a tear that escapes from her when she sets her sweater on her bed. Lexa misses it. She misses wearing it. She misses the look in Clarke’s eyes when she sees her in it… but maybe that was all a lie anyway.

_Clarke doesn’t love you._

“Please Lexa,” Clarke’s voice quivers and Lexa shakes her head. “You’re cold, please.” Clarke cautiously steps closer to her and Lexa doesn’t push her away. She lets her eyes fall shut instead and breathes in Clarke’s scent and wills her heart to stop hurting. Clarke touches her face and she opens her eyes and more tears are falling before she can stop them.

She’s too weak.

“I’m so sorry.” Clarke mumbles softly and wipes her tears away with her fingertips. “I’m so sorry.” Clarke steps closer and Lexa shakes her head, stepping away from her touch. She doesn’t look at Clarke as she wraps her arms around herself trying to warm herself up but she can’t. She’s so cold. Clarke doesn’t try and touch her again.

“I’m going to draw you a bath, you can stay in there as long as you want, I’ll leave you alone, just please. Get warm.” Clarke touches the sweater with her name on it and then moves to leave but Lexa reaches out to grab her wrist and Clarke stops.

“Don’t.” She mumbles but her voice is hoarse from crying and she’s ashamed of how weak she sounds so she closes her mouth and tightens her grip on Clarke’s wrist.

Clarke moves closer to her, lifts her face so she can see her eyes. “Okay.” Lexa doesn’t let go of her wrist. “Let’s move to the bathroom, come on.” She lets Lexa hold onto her wrist as she slowly steps toward the bathroom willing Lexa to follow her and Lexa does.

She slowly lets Clarke’s wrist go once they’re in the bathroom. Clarke moves about to start the bath, making sure it’s nice and warm and she must add something that makes everything smell good. Clarke looks back at her and she’s still shivering with her hands wrapped around herself and Clarke lets out a soft sigh at that. “Can I help you?” Clarke asks carefully and watches Lexa as she gives her one shallow nod.

She pulls Lexa’s hoodie off of her, and it falls to the ground in a wet heap. Lexa kicks her own shoes off and her breath catches when Clarke’s fingers brush against her stomach, but she ignores her body’s reaction to her and lifts her arms as Clarke brings the wet material of her shirt over her head throwing it down on her hoodie. She holds onto Clarke’s shoulder and grips tightly when Clarke’s fingers skim her stomach, unbuttoning her jeans and pulling the zipper down. She helps them down Lexa’s legs and her breath is warm as it brushes across her.

Lexa steps out of her jeans and Clarke slips one sock off at a time before standing back up and turning a shivering Lexa around to unclip the bra she’s wearing. She slides it down her arms and then her left-hand skates across the tattoo and Lexa turns around abruptly so that her affectionate touch will stop.

Clarke doesn’t touch her more than pulling down her underwear after that. Her eyes stray but she tries not to let them and then she goes to guide Lexa into the bath but Lexa stops her and Clarke’s breath catches when Lexa unzips her hoodie. She meets her eyes and Clarke nods at her to tell her it’s okay. So she strips Clarke in much the same fashion, except Clarke helps her with garments and buttons and everything is just as wet as Lexa’s clothes so they come off just as difficultly.

When they finally make it into the bath Lexa feels her eyes start to water again when Clarke steps in behind her and pulls her close. She’s so cold but the water is warm and so is Clarke and she just wants to stay here. She wants Clarke to love her and she can pretend when Clarke treats her like this. She can pretend.

Clarke washes her hair for her, soaps up a rag for Lexa to use herself. When Lexa starts to cry again Clarke holds her and presses soft kisses to her shoulder and mumbles that she’s sorry again and Lexa feels guilty but she just wants to stay. She wants to pretend if she can just pretend for a little while.

“You stay, I’m going to make you some food.” Clarke mumbles it into her ear and Lexa shivers as her breath tickles.

She nods because her voice is still too weak.

Clarke still smells like rain when she gets out. Lexa watches her dry herself off, feeling the ache in her heart more than any other kind of ache as Clarke wraps a robe around her body. The blonde’s eyes are so soft and sad… so sad and lost when they look at her and she wishes she wasn’t making Clarke feel as terribly as she does.

Lexa doesn’t feel as angry anymore. She just wants things to be better.

 

***

 

Lexa isn’t sure what time it is when she wakes up but she knows it’s dark. Very dark. She thinks it’s not fair that she’s slept so well. Like she can’t manage one night of good sleep without Clarke’s warm body beside her.

She feels almost bitter about it but is still too tired for the emotion that she instead just finds herself staring at Clarke staring at her. She wants to go back to sleep but part of her doesn’t. The more logical part of her is telling her she should get up and leave, maybe even change back into her wet clothes and runaway. But she can’t manage to listen to that either.

Her heart hurts, not in the good way that it used too. No, it still just aches and burns and it’s worse when Clarke is close and touching her but it’s even worse when Clarke isn’t here and Lexa misses her. She misses lying in bed with her, she misses her smell, she misses her expressions, her laugh. She knows she shouldn’t be here, she knows she should go home but god… she just wants to be with her right now. Just for a while.

“Lexa,” Clarke’s voice is still at that sad sympathetic tone, barely above a whisper but Lexa doesn’t mind. Her head is starting to ache as much as her heart and honestly, she’s too tired to hear anything louder. Just as long as Clarke is here right now. It’s enough. Clarke licks her lips and Lexa watches her. “I want to talk.”

Lexa shakes her head and Clarke’s expression changes back to that desperate one she had, had when they were arguing at the library.

“Please Lexa, I’m so sorry, for everything I just want to fix it.” Clarke is touching her face, wiping under her eyes and that’s how Lexa knows she’s crying again. She thinks it’s stupid that she can’t listen to Clarke talk for even a second before she wants to cry.

“Please, just-” Lexa backs away from her and rolls over on her back to rub at her eyes, digging her heels into her eyes to will the tears away.

“Lexa,”

“I don’t want to do this. I just want my friend back.” She whispers instead. “I just want to be friends again and forget this.” Lexa swallows the lump in her throat. Friends will never be enough, but it has to be because Lexa is miserable without her and Clarke doesn’t want anything more.

“I’ll always be your friend Lexa. It doesn’t matter what’s going on.” Clarke wills her hands to leave her eyes and Lexa lets her pull them away.

“I’m sorry.” Clarke looks bewildered at that.

“What?”

“For what I said at the library… my feelings are just hurt.” She sniffles slightly and thinks it’s more than obvious that she’s hurt. “I didn’t mean it.” She nearly whispers, and Clarke’s eyes soften even more than they had before.

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”

“I’m sorry about your drawings.”

Clarke smiles warmly at her and brushes some still slightly damp strands out of Lexa’s eyes. “It’s okay.” She whispers. “I can understand.” She whispers more and Lexa’s heart hurts.

“I didn’t mean to break any promises I made to you.” She tells her seriously because she didn’t and with all her anger gone all she wants is to fix everything, to make it better, for Clarke to know that she didn’t mean what she said at the library.

“Lex, stop apologizing.” Clarke lets out a huff and Lexa thinks she may have upset her but she doesn’t exactly know how. “I hurt you.” Clarke shakes her head and buries her face in her own hands. “I hurt you and your apologizing to me?” She mumbles and Lexa sits up beside her.

“When things break, it’s never one person’s fault. But I…” Lexa fiddles with Clarke’s comforter. “You’re my best friend too and I miss you.” She tells her honestly and watches Clarke shiny blue eyes meet her own. She’s missed her eyes.

“I thought I lost you. For good, and I never wanted that to happen.” Clarke sounds like she’s about to cry as well though she must be resisting it.

“I know, just-” Lexa lets out a soft sigh. “I want to try to fix this too, I want to be friends again.” She wants so much more, she always has, but she can settle. She can settle if it means she gets to keep Clarke in her life.

“Okay.” Clarke is looking at her like she wants to say something else but she can’t quite figure out how to say what she wants to say.

Lexa would ask but she finds that she’s too exhausted to hear anymore answers. Instead she just lays back down and rolls on her side so her back is too Clarke. She cuddles into a pillow that smells faintly like her but mostly like Clarke and lets her eyes close, too tired to focus on anything for much longer. Clarke is warm when she wraps around her and she pretends. She pretends that everything will be fine now, that they’ll be okay.

She pretends that she’s not going to be in love with her forever.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry about the extremely long time it took to update this. I just started college and it shook me up a bit, but I'm back. I just want to say thank you to everyone who left a comment on the last chapter, thanks for sharing all your unrequited love stories and for your sincerity about my own. You've all been so sweet and I'm so sorry that anyone who has gone through that had too, so hopefully this can be a little piece of your own happy ending too. I'll share it. :)
> 
> Hope to see you guys on the next story, thank you so much for all the support. <3

At first, when Lexa wakes up, she equates how awful she feels to her still beating broken heart. She’s spent many mornings waking up and feeling terrible until she’s run. Even as she sits up and a slight nauseous feeling falls over her she doesn’t completely realize it yet. She’s cold and tired and her head hurts and she’s still in Clarke’s bed after a terrible night and she just wants to run at least, run and go home.

She hates that when she thinks of home she often thinks of this bed.

But as she pushes the covers off of her and goes to stand she groans slightly and immediately sits back down, cradling her head in her hands. Her fingers slip through silky knotted strands of curly hair and tug, but it doesn’t relieve the low throb of her headache. She can’t help but think that of course this would happen, of course it’s just her luck.

Her chest feels tight, perhaps that’s why she had equated it to her broken heart at first, but instead of getting up, despite how thirsty she is, she climbs back under the covers and buries her face into the pillows. The curtains are drawn so the sunlight can’t reach her. She scoots over to Clarke’s side of the bed and finds herself snuggling into her pillow instead, a slight noise of complaint leaving her.

It must have been a louder noise than she thought because Clarke makes an appearance at her side and Lexa blinks blurry eyed at the beautiful girl in front of her. She must look terrible too because Clarke’s facial expression immediately morphs from that sympathetic one she’d been doing to one of concern and she’s touching Lexa’s face and brushing strands of hair out of her eyes. “You’re burning up,” Clarke only whispers but it sounds louder than that to Lexa’s sensitive ears and she complains and burrows further into Clarke’s pillow.

“I don’t feel very good.” Lexa grumbles and clings to Clarke’s pillow. The thought comes over her that she wishes it was Clarke’s body instead, but she tries to push it away even as it nags at her. Lexa really should go home, take more distance, work on this possible friendship while they’re separated, but the idea of moving makes her want to throw up so she stays where she is.

“Okay, I’m going to get you some water and medicine and we’re going to check your temperature okay?” Clarke’s whispering, and it’s better than talking but it still sounds loud and has Lexa still pouting.

“No medicine.” Lexa protests and Clarke’s eyebrows knit adorably. She tries not to watch her beautiful face and lets her eyes shut, snuggling into the warm pillow below her but Clarke’s movements have her opening her eyes again.

“You’re going to at least need Tylenol or something.” Clarke’s left hand is on the bed, gripping the sheets slightly as if she’s resisting the urge to continue touching her. Maybe she is, or maybe Lexa’s sick brain has convinced her that, that’s what’s happening when it isn’t.

Lexa shakes her head and immediately regrets it. “No.” Her voice is scratchy and low and she’s still pouting as the simple answer leaves her.

“Lexa,” Clarke’s voice raises from a whisper making Lexa wince slightly and squeeze her eyes shut.

“I just want to sleep.” She complains further. “Let me sleep.” She begs almost in tears and Clarke shushes her quietly before hesitantly brushing her fingers softly and continuously through her hair. All she can think about is how nice it feels, and her eyes fall shut before she can help it.

“Okay,” Clarke whispers. “Okay you can sleep.” Her voice is a sweet melody that wraps Lexa in a warm comfortable blanket and for a second she completely forgets about everything. She forgets about hurting, she forgets about Clarke not loving her back. She forgets it all and drifts back into a fitful sleep while Clarke softly carts fingers through her messy hair.

 

When she wakes up again it’s to Anya’s voice and she feels much worse than she did before. Clarke is at her side the moment she knows Lexa is awake and Lexa becomes acutely aware that she’s completely on Clarke’s side of the bed now. A fact that would annoy her if she wasn’t feeling so terribly.

“Hey,” Clarke whispers as to not make her feel worse. “Will you take some medicine now? At least let me check your temperature?” Clarke’s hand presses to her forehead and she knows she must be really warm by the way Clarke inhales after touching her. She doesn’t feel warm though, she feels like she’s possibly freezing to death.

“It’s cold.” She squeaks quietly and continues to pout from where she tries to burrow further under the blankets.

“Lexa,” Anya grumbles in that annoyed sisterly tone she does. “Let Clarke feed you medicine, I’ll sit on your chest like when we were little.” If Lexa weren’t feeling so bad she’d take her tone seriously, but she can’t tell the difference right now.

So she only shakes her head. “No.” She pouts and pouts even further when Clarke removes her hand from her forehead. She reaches out for her and Clarke smiles soft and warm at her and takes her palm in her hand, interlacing their fingers.

“I know how to get her to take medicine.” Anya says, and Lexa shakes her head again.

“No medicine.” She means to say it sternly but instead it’s like she’s begging Clarke, eyes teary again as she looks at the pretty blonde kneeling in front of her and Clarke coos at her and tells her everything will be alright.

She goes to leave, and Lexa’s grip tightens. “Let go, I’ll come right back.” She promises. “I promise.”

“She’s insufferable when she’s ill.” Anya says with annoyance even though slight concern touches her tone. Lexa eventually let’s go of Clarke’s hand after she asks again and affectionately touches Lexa’s face to convince her. She forgets that she’s not supposed to be relying on Clarke for anything, forgets that Clarke has no right to take care of her, forgets that she shouldn’t want Clarke to take care of her.

She coughs disgustingly into Clarke’s pillow and groans at the way her chest burns, shivering under the comforter and tries hard to stay awake long enough to see Clarke return to her. She has a hard time breathing and her eyes hurt when they’re open, so she closes them, just for a moment, to get some relief.

When she opens them again its to the press of Clarke’s cold fingers on her cheek and the soft mumble of her name. “Anya says you like to drink this when you don’t feel well.” Clarke’s voice is a low whisper again and Lexa reaches out for her weakly. “I’ll help you, please drink it.” Clarke mumbles and Lexa nods weakly, allowing Clarke to help her sit up against the headboard, despite how awful it makes her feel.

She’s gripping Clarke’s hand while Clarke brings the cup to her lips. It’s not much to drink, just enough that the warmth shoots its way through Lexa’s system. “After this you can go back to sleep.” Clarke says in another whisper, carting fingers through her hair as she tips the cup for her.

She thinks its silly, she can drink herself, so she grabs it and lightly taps Clarke’s hands away. Clarke doesn’t go far though, she stays by her as she sips at it because the gulps are too much. She tries to give it back to Clarke before it’s completely finished but Clarke’s soft demand of “all of it,” has her finishing it off before she hands it too her again. She’s sliding under the covers and snuggling back into Clarke’s pillows again.

She sighs contentedly when she feels Clarke’s fingers traveling through her hair again, pushing back sweaty strands until she’s falling asleep again.

 

Clarke wakes her a few times to drink more tea and eat some soup. Each time she begs Clarke to leave her alone and let her sleep and Clarke promises she will every time after she just finishes whatever she hands her. So Lexa listens and goes back to sleep the moment she’s allowed too. It’s probably the next day that Lexa becomes more aware of the space around her.

Clarke’s just coming back through the door to check on her when she sees she’s awake. “Hey, Anya brought your blanket.” Clarke’s holding it in her hands, pressing it close to her chest as Lexa rubs at her eyes and tries to think through the soft throb of her headache.

“I want to move to the couch.” She says after a moment of staring at her blanket in Clarke’s arm. She does love her blanket. She has the childish urge to reach out for it and make grabby hands until Clarke comes closer and gives it to her. Perhaps if she were as groggy as before she would, but she’s a bit more aware now.

“Alright,” Clarke says without argument and sets her blanket down on the end of the bed.

Lexa pouts the moment she doesn’t have it. “But,” her lip wobbles as she stares after her blanket and then looks at Clarke.

It doesn’t take long for the blonde to understand what she’s thinking. “Oh, I’m going to help you and then I’ll come back at get it for you okay?” Clarke gives her a soft fond smile before moving around the bed. Lexa lets her help her up onto her feet and she sighs when Clarke wraps an arm around her waist. “Okay?” She asks quietly in her ear.

Lexa nods. She’s sick, not broken. But she reframes from saying that out loud and lets Clarke help her to the couch. She’s feeling weak and tired as it is, so the movement is enough to have her wanting to go back to sleep by the time they finally make it to her desired destination.

She grumbles slightly at how uncomfortable it is compared to Clarke’s bed. “Are you sure you want to stay out here?” Clarke asks with slight concern, that adorable knit still to her eyebrows. Lexa forces her eyes away, as to not think about her own feelings.

“Yeah, better that way.” Lexa croaks softly and adjusts Clarke’s pillow that she brought with her before laying down and snuggling into it. Her eyes flutter shut, and she grips it tighter. She only opens her eyes again when she feels Clarke laying her blanket over her.

“Here you go.” Clarke whispers and when their eyes meet, Lexa has an _‘I love you’_ on the tip of her tongue instead of a thank you. That makes her swallow roughly for different reasons than her sickness and instead of staring at Clarke she turns her back to her and looks at the back of the couch before closing her eyes tightly shut and willing herself not to cry.

“I’m right here if you need anything.” Clarke mumbles quietly to her back and she must not go far, maybe the chair beside her, but the slight distance is enough for Lexa to push her emotions back. She allows her mind to clear again and falls back asleep. She’s glad Clarke can’t read her mind.

 

The slamming of a door wakes Lexa up next and then Clarke’s soft scolding voice as she says, “Lexa is sleeping!” in that whisper shout she does to whomever had made the loud noise. Lexa would admire it if she wasn’t trying so hard to think platonically.

“What is she doing out here?” Lexa doesn’t have the energy to sit up and look at Raven who she can hear speaking, she just wants to go back to sleep, as she often does every time she seems to wake up.

“She wanted to move out here a few hours ago.” Clarke’s voice cracks slightly on the explanation. Lexa wonders how tired she is. She’s been up every single time Lexa wakes up, she’s been waking Lexa up just to take care of her. Has she even slept? What about her classes? Why is she even doing this?

“Did you tell her?” Raven asks seriously, a gentle sympathetic tone that sparks Lexa’s curiosity.

_Tell me what?_ “No, she’s sick and-”

“Clarke.” Raven scolds before Lexa can’t hold in her cough and lets it out covering her mouth as she sits up slightly.

Clarke is by her side in an instant, rubbing her back and bringing water to her lips and Lexa takes it willingly. The liquid is somewhat refreshing. “You look like shit.” Raven teases as she leans against the back of the couch and that makes Lexa crack a smile.

Raven has clearly just gotten back from a long day out. Her ponytail messy and eyes tired. “I’m ill, what’s your excuse?” She teases back weakly and manages not to laugh because she knows it will hurt.

Raven gasps and snaps her hand to the place over her heart. “I don’t like you when you’re sick.” She feigns actual pain and pouts as she heads off to her room to unwind from getting home from her recent class.

With her disappearance Lexa is back to wondering what she had meant when she was talking to Clarke. So when she turns to her, instead of thanking her for her help, she asks a question. “What do you have to tell me?” Lexa croaks and Clarke’s eyes go a bit wider at the question. She swallows and looks down at her hands. She fidgets with her fingers before she’s looking into Lexa’s eyes again and Lexa thinks she’s looking rather vulnerable, but that could just be her groggy sick brain messing with her.

“Actually funny, I’ve been trying to tell you-”

“Clarke!” Anya is the one to slam the door this time and Clarke hops up from where she had been sitting on her knees to round the couch and scold Anya the same way she had scolded Raven.

“Lexa is resting!” Her voice isn’t a whisper this time, because Lexa is awake, but it holds the same sternness that it had before when it was directed at the girl’s counterpart.

“What are you doing out here?” Anya’s eyes meet her sister’s over Clarke’s shoulder and Lexa shrugs. “Is this another stubborn thing you’re doing, not lying down in a bed? You really resist any form of getting better that you can, it’s insufferable.” Anya’s using that stern sisterly tone again. She’s never sympathetic to her when she’s sick but she’s grown up with Lexa’s stubbornness. She knows it better than anyone.

“I am not!” Lexa croaks through a slightly sore throat and ends up coughing again.

Clarke is quick to scold Anya again as she goes back around the couch to hand Lexa her glass of water back. “Don’t lecture her, she’s not well.” The blonde mumbles protectively as she rubs at Lexa’s back when she coughs into a tissue.

Anya rolls her eyes. “Is she letting you help her?”

“Yes.” Clarke says for her. “In fact, it’s been awhile since you’ve eaten so I’m going to make you some soup okay?” Clarke’s tone turns from stern and scolding to entirely too gentle. Her eyes big and round when she’s looking at Lexa and it makes her insides flip. She wishes Clarke could feel this way.

Lexa frowns but nods her head in acknowledgement that she will eat it. Clarke touches her cheek lightly, pressing the back of her hand to her forehead, frowns again, and then disappears into the kitchen. Lexa doesn’t realize she’s watching her go until Anya clears her throat above her.

She snaps up to look at her and feels a slight heaviness to her heart that has nothing to do with sickness. She’s always going to be left watching her, but never going to be the one watched. “If you want to go home, just tell me. I’ll take you.” Her sister grips the back of the couch and stares down at her and Lexa knows she should take that offer.

She shouldn’t be here, letting Clarke take care of her. That’s not Clarke’s job, that’s not her place. Even if Lexa wants Clarke’s care, things are different now, they have to be different. That’s the only way they’ll ever be able to be friends. “I just want to sleep.” She mumbles instead of an answer and slumps back down into Clarke’s pillow.

“I’m sure.” Anya says. “Did you and Clarke make up?” Anya moves around the couch to lift Lexa’s legs and sit down under them before pulling them back into her lap. She adjusts Lexa blanket, so it stays covering her completely so that she doesn’t get cold.

She snuggles into the pillow again and pretends its not Clarke’s scent that makes it so comforting. “Sort of.” She sighs heavily. They perhaps still have some things to talk about, and Clarke has some things she wants to say, and Lexa knows that eventually she’ll have to listen to them. She’s just hoping to hold it off until it’s a little easier to hear more of her rejection.

But for now, things are moving forward the best they can. She’s moving forward the best she can. “What does sort of mean?”

“It means what it means.” She coughs slightly into the tissue she’s keeping curled in her palm before shutting her eyes and letting the exhaustion from her sickness take over.

“Don’t give her such a hard time when she’s trying to take care of you.” She feels her sister squeeze her leg slightly. “Maybe take medicine when she offers it?” Her tone has changed from that annoyed sisterly tone she does to one that’s fuller of concern and gentleness.

Lexa pouts, Anya knows she’ll listen to her because she only ever uses that voice when she’s anxious and Lexa will always give in to make sure her sister doesn’t worry about her.

“Lexa come on. Sometimes you need medicine and you know it.” She waves her hand dismissively at her sister’s words. “I’m going to go talk to Clarke before I go to my night class, rest up.” She gets up, adjusts Lexa’s blanket and then kisses her head softly. “I love you.” She tells her gently and Lexa gives her a slightly groggy smile before she’s disappearing and Lexa’s falling asleep again.

She doesn’t sleep long though before Clarke is back to rouse her and help her sit up to eat the soup she’s giving her. She must be getting a little better because her appetite has come back somewhat, and she finishes the soup without much goading from Clarke to do so. When Clarke comes back from placing the dish in the sink, she finds that she’s awake enough to maybe find out the answer to the question she had asked earlier.

Clarke goes to sit on the chair but stops when she sees Lexa sit up and offer the open space on the couch to her. She takes it, still watching Lexa with gentle and concerned eyes. “Are you feeling better?” She asks carefully.

“A bit.” She leans her head on a couch cushion as she watches Clarke watch her and she wonders for the millionth time what she’s thinking. “What is it you wanted to tell me?” She asks again, and watches Clarke’s fingers immediately tangle together at the question.

“It’s about everything that’s happened, I wanted to-”

“You know it’s- we don’t have to talk about it.” Lexa sniffles and reaches for another tissue. She tires not to notice the way Clarke is biting her lip.

“Maybe when your feeling a little better.” Clarke mumbles quietly and Lexa tosses her used tissues into the bin near the couch before scooting back under the covers and snuggling back into Clarke’s pillow.

“Maybe,” _perhaps never_. She thinks she may possibly never be ready for whatever explanation Clarke has ready at the tip of her tongue. What is the point in it anyway if Lexa has already decided to forgive her and let her back in? It’s only unnecessary for the both of them to continue to think about everything. Lexa just really wants to move on.

 

***

 

“Are you feeling better?” Costia asks carefully as Lexa dumps her blanket onto her bed. She stares down at the material of it for some time. She wasn’t fully in the mood for the disapproving look Lexa had received from Costia upon her arrival. She knew a lecture was coming but she still had her cold slightly and she was already worried about what she possibly missed in her lectures on Friday and she just, honestly, wasn’t in the mood.

“Yes.” She sniffles slightly and drops her back-pack next to the end of her bed. “I’m tired though, I just want to rest.” Resting is all she’s been doing, resting and letting Clarke cater to her. _Clarke…_

“Do you really think that it’s such a great idea for you to be hanging out with her so much?” Costia mumbles protectively. That’s all it is, she’s protective, maybe a little jealous. She told Lexa that once. Perhaps it’s still there. Lexa hopes Costia doesn’t pine after her the same way she pines for Clarke, how unfortunate would that be?

When she looks up from her bed finally to meet the dark eyes of her roommate she can’t help the heavy sigh that escapes her. “No, but it was an accident. I wasn’t well.” She gives Costia a weak unconvincing smile and the girl softens.

“I just want you to be okay, Lexa.” She twists her hands together like she’s stopping herself from reaching out.

She doesn’t need to do that, so Lexa closes the distance and pulls the girl into a hug. “I am.” She promises. “I’m going to be just fine.” She nearly whispers it and feels herself relax when Costia squeezes her tightly in return.

She doesn’t mind moments like this. She likes having a friend that’s honestly so far away from it all. Costia keeps her mind off of it, Costia barely talks about her anymore. Costia just wants her to be happy and she does what she can to make her feel better and Lexa honestly doesn’t deserve it.

When she backs up from Costia she thinks of it again, only because Costia’s eyes are soft and gentle and hopeful. Big and round and hopeful. It reminds Lexa of a time that she would look at Clarke like this and she almost has the urge to do something about it, why shouldn’t she? Costia actually wants her.

But she’s smarter than that, unfortunately.

She backs away from Costia and goes to her own bed and is relieved that Costia lets her go. “Do you need anything?” She asks kindly and Lexa sighs and shakes her head as she climbs under her blanket after kicking her shoes off.

“No, I just want to sleep.” She wonders how many times she said that very thing in the past few days.

“Okay, well if you need anything just tell me.” Costia nearly whispers as she goes back to her side of the room. She had looked to be doing homework when Lexa had first entered and so she’s probably getting back to it. Lexa wouldn’t fully know with her back to everything.

She’s starting to fall asleep when her phone buzzes in her pocket and somehow she just knows, she knows it’s her without even looking.

She hesitates, waits at least two minutes before pulling her phone from her pocket and unlocking it to read her message.

**Clarke (** _11:32 A.M._ **):** Did you make it to your room alive?

**Lexa (** _11:34 A.M._ **):** No, I died.

She lets out a soft sigh and presses the power button on her phone. She feels it vibrate in her hand but she doesn’t make to look right away, even as her heart skips, even as she itches too. She wonders when this will get easier, when she will stop desperately waiting on her replies. She hopes that it will someday go away.

**Clarke (** _11:34 A.M._ **):** how is dead lexa than?

**Lexa (** _11:42 A.M._ **):** as sick as alive lexa

**Clarke (** _11:42 A.M._ **):** I feel like that’s a bit dramatic, you were better when you left

Lexa stares at it, again for another few minutes. She waits and waits, even as her fingers hover over the keyboard. She licks at her lower lip and thinks of a response and she waits to type it until minutes have passed. She can be friends with Clarke again, but it’s on her terms, and jumping to reply to her, she can at least resist that, right? If she can control nothing else, she can control this.

**Lexa (** _11:49 A.M._ **):** clearly I’m not better if I died

**Lexa (** _11:49 A.M._ **):** I’m still really tired, I’m going to go to sleep.

She closes her phone and doesn’t open it again even as Clarke responds to her. Instead she sits up and sets her phone on the charger before cuddling back into her pillows and hiding away.

“Were you messaging her?” Costia asks curiously across the space and Lexa lets out another sigh.

“Yes, we’re friends.” She says flatly, hoping her tone will urge Costia to branch off from this topic.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea Lexa, you still aren’t even over her and-”

“Costia please.” She sits up so that she can look at her friend from across the room. “It’s my decision, I’m a big girl and I can take care of myself.”

Costia only clenches her jaw in response.

“I know your just trying to help, but… please.” She lays down after that. “Just leave it alone.” She mumbles and closes her eyes again.

“Sorry.” Costia mumbles and if Lexa’s eyes were open she’d probably see her giving her that look again.

“It’s okay.” She turns in her bed again so that she’s cuddling into her pillows, facing the wall. Costia doesn’t say anything more and she doesn’t know how long she lays there until she finally falls asleep, she thinks it’s a long time.

 

***

 

They’ve both come back to the library, even if things are tense at first. At first, it’s just awkward, stilted conversation and forced small talk that’s nothing like them. It takes them about a week and three meetings before they start to figure it out. Before they manage to act more normal around each other.

It’s not for lack of trying, Lexa swallows her emotions the best she can and Clarke seems to do her best to cater to her at every opportunity. Sometimes she’s so focused on making up for hurting Lexa that she doesn’t even realize she’s making things kind of worse until Lexa makes a lame excuse to leave so that she can get some space.

Clarke always looks really sad after those moments.

They happen less though, over time. After a while, though the heartbreak doesn’t fade, the struggle to connect does. Being around Clarke used to be so easy and that was slowly working its way back in between them. They sit together in Indra’s again but Lexa doesn’t talk to Clarke much through it, Clarke doesn’t even make an effort to text her like she’d normally do through the whole class. She somehow knows that she just doesn’t have the permission to do it anymore.

They’re library meetings mostly consist of studying but slowly they branch off topic more and more. She even manages to ask Clarke about art, because it’s been so long since she’s seen her draw and she oddly misses it. Clarke treads carefully around every topic Lexa hands her, answering in ways that she think won’t upset her. She knows Clarke is afraid of upsetting her even more. She knows Clarke is worried Lexa will change her mind about wanting to be friends again.

She doesn’t realize that Lexa doesn’t have a much of a choice.

They don’t go to the hill anymore. Lexa can’t be there. That was their spot, that was where they fell in love (well, she fell in love), where they first kissed, where Lexa asked her to be her girlfriend. She can’t be there. It holds too much. So when Clarke asks, Lexa has to shoot her down and Clarke must somewhat understand because she doesn’t press that matter.

It’s a few weeks into their restarted friendship that Clarke tries to talk about it all again, but Lexa clams up immediately.

Clarke’s desperate “please Lexa, I just have some stuff to say and then we never have to talk about any of it ever again,” isn’t enough for Lexa to actually want to hear any of it.

She has no idea what Clarke thinks she needs to say but Lexa knows that her heart is not in any place to be able to take it. “I’m sorry Clarke, I just… I’ll see you later.” She’s quick to pack up and for a second, she thinks Clarke really isn’t going to push it this time. That’s different because she’s normally stubborn about this topic, insisting and insisting until Lexa is practically sprinting away from her.

“Wait, no, please don’t go.” Clarke grabs her hand and Lexa freezes and stares at them pressed together, her own fingers instinctively wrapping around Clarke’s. _It’s so easy._ Moments like this normally make her feel worse, but this time she doesn’t feel worse. She’s just grateful that Clarke seems to be letting the topic go. “I’m sorry, let’s just… go back to studying, _stay_.” Clarke sounds desperate when she asks that too. Her eyes are a shining blue and for a second Lexa allows herself to wonder what it exactly is that Clarke is so desperate to say to her.

She knows it must only be an explanation. Maybe it’s something to even make Lexa feel better, some kind of closure. But Lexa still is afraid of it. She knows it’s never going to be quite what she wants to hear, but rather a confirmation of what she already knows, which is why she doesn’t think she needs to hear it at all.

Lexa still feels bad for making her so sad whenever she doesn’t hear her out though. “Okay.” She whispers and forces her fingers to release Clarke’s hand. When they do Clarke lets go eventually but its slow, like she really doesn’t want too. Lexa knows she’s really sorry for hurting her, and even though it shouldn’t, it helps Lexa forgive her a bit.

So, she sits back down and lets Clarke unpack for her until they quietly fall back into studying, while Clarke makes more attempts at light hearted conversation. Eventually she makes Lexa laugh and the tension is released, and Lexa again thinks that perhaps this friend thing isn’t going to be so hard.

 

***

 

Sometimes they watch movies at Clarke’s, though Lexa doesn’t step a foot past the threshold of her bedroom since those days when she was caught in the rain and then got sick. She doesn’t think it’s a good idea for her to be in that room while she’s trying to be only Clarke’s friend.

Clarke doesn’t encourage her too.

She forgets for a while, that everything is different. When Clarke laughs at her for making fun of one of the characters the sound rings through Lexa’s ears and for a moment she feels light, almost happy again. She really loves that sounds.

But that feeling eventually fades into something else, something dark and gloomy and miserable as Lexa remembers that everything is in fact different and she feels defeated. She wishes she didn’t yearn so much for Clarke’s affection still. She wishes Clarke couldn’t see it in her eyes whenever she looks at her.

She knows she’s still obvious. She’ll never not be in love with Clarke, no matter how she wishes for it and she wishes for it quite a lot lately. She never thought she’d wish for such a thing either. When she fell in love with Clarke she had thought it a blessing, something precious. Now she doesn’t really view it that way, though she also doesn’t completely view it as not that way either. It’s confusing for her.

She knows she’s noticeably veered off into her own thoughts when she feels Clarke’s hand place above her knee and she jumps. Clarke’s hand shoots back from her as if she’s been burned because when Lexa jumps from her touch she feels like she doesn’t have permission to touch her and she doesn’t like doing anything without permission first. “Sorry, I said your name three times.” She mumbles sheepishly and curls her hands into fists in her lap.

Lexa’s heart squeezes slightly. “It’s okay.” She mumbles and allows her own fingers to tangle together to keep herself from reaching out to Clarke and making her more comfortable.

“I’m sorry.” She mumbles again, and her voice almost sounds lost. When Lexa looks at her, her head is down so her hair curtains her face and Lexa is nibbling at her bottom lip as she thinks of what to say to make things go back to the lightheartedness of before.

She doesn’t really say anything because she can’t think of anything and instead brushes Clarke’s hair back from her face and behind her ear like Clarke would normally do to her. The simple and light touch makes Clarke’s eyes meet her own as she sits up a little and Lexa’s heart squeezes again at the sight of the water in her eyes. She’s not apologizing for touching her, she’s apologizing again, for hurting her.

She wishes she knew what Clarke was actually thinking, but she doesn’t. She never does. “It’ll be okay.” She promises instead, and she doesn’t even quite know what she means by that but she hopes that Clarke will relax a little bit.

When Clarke looks at her she can tell the moment she wants to try and have that conversation again. She can see the change in her eyes and Lexa for a second thinks that maybe she’ll stick around this time to hear it. Whatever it is, Clarke will feel better once she’s said it. But will Lexa?

_Sometimes you must look out for yourself._ She thinks and stands up from the couch. “I have to meet Costia for dinner. But I’ll see you Thursday.” She slips books that have been lying on the coffee table into her bag and doesn’t glance at Clarke again, even as she feels her eyes on her back while she’s packing her bag up.

“Okay,” Clarke nearly whispers in a tone of defeat and Lexa almost freezes but doesn’t. She doesn’t so Clarke doesn’t see her thinking about any of it. “Does Costia still hate me?” Clarke must ask to make some kind of attempt at conversation.

Lexa feels a slight snort leave her as she zips up her bag and brings it over her shoulder. She turns to look down at Clarke and feels the heavy familiar thud in her heart when their eyes meet. “Yeah, she does.” She says honestly, and Clarke seems to smirk at her. Maybe it’s the look Lexa is giving her, but her shoulders release the tension that had formed there.

“Are you um,” Clarke clears her throat and looks down to her lap as her eyebrows furrow slightly in thought. “seeing her?” She asks quietly as she picks at a thread coming loose on her jeans.

Lexa’s definitive answer is _‘yes’_ and it almost comes out of her mouth despite how much of a lie that answer would be. She isn’t exactly sure what stops it. Maybe she doesn’t want to satisfy Clarke with an answer, maybe she feels like it’s none of Clarke’s business anymore who Lexa could and could not have feelings for. She would be right if that were the case.

She doesn’t want to think about her answer not coming out of her mouth quicker because she wishes Clarke had been asking for entirely different reasons than that of a curious friend. But Clarke will never ask her that for any other reason any longer. Clarke is probably eager for Lexa to move on.

The thought sours Lexa’s mood even more. “Not really.” She says instead and immediately looks away from her, so she doesn’t have to see her face and wonder what she’s thinking all over again.

It’s none of Clarke’s business anymore.

So why did Lexa even want to lie in the first place? Maybe it was her own heart’s desperate attempt at trying to make Clarke jealous again. But It’s none of Clarke’s business and Clarke will never be jealous and she has to accept that. In that moment, she decides that they’ve been hanging out a little too much and decides she’ll take a few days of space. She could use it.

“You know, you don’t have to go so early.” Clarke mumbles eventually and Lexa’s already shaking her head.

“Sometimes, I think it’s better if we give each other space.” There’s a look that flashes across Clarke’s face when she says it but again, Lexa can’t keep up with what Clarke is thinking, never quite understands her mindset and forces herself to let the curiosity go.

When Clarke only gives her a shallow nod in response she decides to take that as her leave. She glances back at Clarke before she goes and wishes that Clarke was looking at her too. But she isn’t and Lexa wonders if her heart will ever let her go.

 

***

 

“I know you don’t want to talk about it.” Anya says as they sit in her dorm room. Lexa’s surprised to be here actually. Anya is hardly ever here anymore since she started dating Raven. They’re still pretty attached to each other, even now they text frequently back and forth even though they last saw each other maybe two hours ago.

But right now, Lexa is spending time with her sister. Lexa turned down Costia’s lunch invitation and Anya pulled out her Buffy collection. The conversation about Clarke probably wouldn’t have even started if Anya hadn’t noticed Clarke’s name appearing on Lexa’s phone. She was trying hard not to answer fast.

She actually didn’t have to try that hard. Sometimes it was easy to not text Clarke back. Sometimes seeing her name was enough to convince her that she wasn’t interested in whatever was on the other side of that text. Sometimes it wasn’t that easy. Sometimes it’s all she could think about, her fingers physically itching to unlock her phone, even as she puts it away and distracts herself. She can’t think about anything else and it bothers her, those moments really bother her. Especially knowing Clarke doesn’t ever feel this way.

That’s another thing she can’t stop thinking about. Every time she’s left hanging onto a word, staring after her, thinking about her at all, she is subconsciously reminded that everything she feels Clarke does not return and it makes her miserable. But she thinks, in an odd way, it’s actually helping. It’s helping her move forward, to get over her, even when she feels like that’s incredibly impossible.

“I really don’t, so let’s not and just watch Buffy.” She responds, her phone moving from her right to her left hand, back and forth. Unfortunately, she’s in one of those moments where she wants to look at Clarke’s messages the moment they come through. But she doesn’t. She doesn’t right now, she’s spaces out her responses. She isn’t sure who that’s better for honestly.

“I’m just saying you should really hear what she has to say. You didn’t see her.”

“No and she didn’t see me and that’s her fault.” Lexa snaps slightly and Anya releases a soft sigh as Lexa takes in a deep breath. “Sorry.” She mumbles quietly. “I didn’t mean to snap.”

“I talked to her, Raven talked to her. She talked to us. She’s… she knows that she messed up and she wants to fix it but you have to figure out if you want her too.” Anya fiddles with the mug in her hands and Lexa knits her eyebrows together as she watches her do that.

“Why wouldn’t I want her to love me back?” She says with a slight shake to her tone.

“Because she hurt you and you don’t trust her as much anymore.” She sets her mug down on her nightstand. “I know you Lexa. You aren’t hearing what she has to say because you’re scared of it. Your walls are up, you’re guarding yourself and you’re afraid.”

Lexa rolls her eyes but says nothing as she continues to pass her phone back and forth between her hands. “There’s just no point in talking about something that’s already over.”

“You’re wrong and you know I’m exactly right. She wants to fix it, and I mean really fix it, but do you?” Lexa squeezes her phone between her hands. “It’s okay if you don’t.” Anya says gently. “She broke your heart. It’s okay if you don’t want to hear her out, it’s okay to walk away if that’s what you want but think about it first. Sit down and over analyze it in that brain of yours and decide and then tell her and she’ll stop trying and you can really move on.”

“Loving her just hurts so much.” Lexa whispers. “I can’t stop doing it.” She shoves her phone in her pocket and grabs one of Anya’s pillows to hold close to her chest.

“That’s why I want you to really think about it. You both are just, hanging on but not moving and it’s not good for either of you.”

“You care about her a lot now.” Lexa chuckles slightly.

“Like you said before, she kind of gets under your skin.” Anya shrugs her shoulders. “I’m always on your side though.” She pats her sister’s knee. “It doesn’t matter what you decide. I am always here for you first, it doesn’t matter.” She’s serious, voice full of a promise and it takes Lexa ten seconds before she flings herself across the space between them to hug her sister closely.

“I love you.” She mumbles and her sister holds her tighter.

“I love you too, idiot.”

 

***

 

“So, what really happened?” Lexa finally asks late into a Thursday evening. The library is closing soon. Lexa is well aware that she’s having one of those days where she’s completely wrapped up in her time with Clarke. She’s forgetting that distance is something that is necessary and finds herself hanging onto small laughs and inside jokes.

She likes this though. For a while she gets to forget about all the weirdness, all the misread signals and unrequited feelings. For awhile they’re really just Lexa and Clarke, just friends sure, but there’s nothing else. It’s just them, here, having a good time and Lexa had missed that a lot over the time that they had spent apart.

“With Niylah?” Clarke’s eyebrows knit as if she’s reconsidering the offhanded joke she had made about that whole situation. Lexa’s even surprised she could get through the conversation of her decking the girl in the face without growing immediately upset at those memories. Clarke must be shocked by it too because she keeps looking at her like she’s expecting her to run at any moment.

“Yeah, duh. You’ve never told me, and I’ve gotten a lot of weird information.” She doesn’t meet Clarke’s eyes when she says any of that. Instead she’s focused on becoming an expert in the doodle department with the tiny skills Clarke had been teaching her whenever they’d lose their focus.

“What have you heard?” She seems careful around this subject.

It has Lexa rolling her eyes. “Come on,”

“Alright,” Clarke snorts. “I really liked her. I met her my freshmen year, we hung out some. I thought we were dating, she thought we weren’t but just fooling around. bottom line is, we did not communicate well. Anyways when we finally, you know, that was a huge mistake because the next morning she got really weird and I had an early shift. I was just starting at the café, so she couldn’t stay. I told her I’d call. I did, she never picked up. The next thing I know, thus starts the reputation. End of story.”

“Wait, you called and she didn’t pick up?”

“Yeah. I left her a message, I don’t really remember what I said. But she had been acting really weird and I think I said something about how I can’t do complicated and how we should talk. I think she probably just misread what I was saying, I was also tired. It was a long shift. It doesn’t matter now.” Clarke picks at the end of her book. “What have you heard?” Its quiet, sad, maybe she’s convinced that Lexa thinks that everything she’s heard is true now.

But it doesn’t matter how many times Clarke were to break her heart. Everyone is still wrong. “She told me you called to tell her to get lost.” Lexa snorts. “Raven said she was full of shit.”

“Raven talked to you about her?”

“Of course she did.” Lexa closes her notebook as the librarian gives them a ten minute warning.

“She tells all my secrets.” Clarke scoffs.

“It wasn’t like that, she was just trying to help.” She stuffs her books into her bag along with her laptop and notebooks and pencils. She doesn’t meet Clarke’s eyes until she realizes she isn’t packing as well. So she stops moving to look at her and figure out why she isn’t moving.

She’s not expecting Clarke to be looking at her like that. “Lexa,” She says it with so much hesitation and Lexa knows. She knows Clarke is going to try and have that conversation with her again and Lexa is still adamant on not hearing it because it’s not necessary. There’s no point. They were having such a good night.

She can’t ruin it. “No.” She tells her sharply. “Please.”

Clarke blinks a moment. “Why?” She asks with a slight crack to her voice. “Why Lexa, won’t you let me talk?”

“There’s no point Clarke.” Lexa sighs and zips it up. “I’m moving on and I don’t want to talk about anything that can make this harder.”

“Is being friends with me… hard?”

“Yes.” She wants to slap herself for being so truthful but than again perhaps the truth is all Clarke needs to hear from now on.

“Maybe it wouldn’t be if you would let me just say what I need to say.” She’s not exactly pushy in her tone, despite her words being so. They’re gentle, almost sweet. They’re meant to cradle Lexa and make her feel safe. Clarke doesn’t want to hurt her, at least not anymore than she already has.

“I think it would only make it worse Clarke.” She smiles at her softly, halfway broken. “I’ll see you tomorrow, same time?”

Clarke gets that defeated look on her face, chewing on the corner of her lip as she looks down at her books she still hasn’t packed. “Of course.” She says breathlessly.

Lexa has half a mind to just sit back down and let Clarke talk because it’s clearly on her mind and bothering her. She clearly wants to say it even if Lexa doesn’t want to hear it. But no, no the old Lexa would set aside her own discomfort to make sure Clarke was okay. The old her would do everything she could to make sure Clarke is happy. But this her, this her that chooses to be friends with Clarke must have walls and a guard. She needs a certain amount of space and bricks between them. She needs it to guard her fragile heart that’s still being pieced back together.

Surely Clarke can learn to understand that.

She leaves with a gentle squeeze to Clarke’s shoulder and maybe praises herself a bit when she resists the urge to look back at Clarke before she leaves. She doesn’t realize that if she had, she would have caught Clarke watching her leave.

 

***

 

It's the middle of a Saturday afternoon when there’s a knock on their dorm room door. Lexa is in the middle of a book, her nose buried in it because she can’t stop reading the series and Anya is only happy she’s found it in herself to read again, instead of only punching bags at the gym. She still does that frequently, but now that Lexa has taken up a normal schedule Anya scolds her about it less.

She looks up only briefly before glancing at Costia and then back down to her book. She’s in the middle of a really good scene and doesn’t want to stop reading. “Can you get that Cos?” She asks, even though she’s closest to the door.

Costia smiles over at her. “Sure.” She says and climbs off of her bed where she had been sat behind her open laptop and makes her way to the door. She doesn’t even look up when Costia opens it up. There’s a battle scene in her novel and the main character seems near death. She’ll be pissed if the main character dies.

“What are you doing here?” Costia’s voice is sharp and protective. Lexa is so focused on her literature that she doesn’t quite understand what the tone means at first.

“I’ve got something for Lexa.” She had been so engrossed but the moment she heard Clarke’s voice she could no longer pay attention, despite the epic battle scene. Her eyes snapped up and she couldn’t see much of Clarke through Costia since she was much shorter than her, but she could still feel her heart stop in that familiar way that it used too, long before everything.

She silently curses herself and forces her gaze back down into her book. She can’t read a damn word. “Maybe she doesn’t want you here, did you think of texting her first? No? Because she’s always catering to you huh?” Lexa frowns and places the bookmark in her book.

She knows Costia is angry for her, but she doesn’t need to talk to Clarke like that. “If you won’t let me see her can you at least give this to her for me?” Clarke’s voice has taken on that desperate tone that it falls into whenever she tries to talk about the break up with Lexa.

Instinctively it makes Lexa clam up and takes her a few moments to come out of it. “I’m not giving her anything from you.” Costia spits.

“Lexa!” Clarke peeks up on tiptoes as Lexa stands up from her bed and can see her eyes, wide, dilated even, desperate. She wonders what she has for her. “Please take this, please!”

“Let her pass Cos,” Lexa says softly, despite the slight annoyance that flairs up at Costia being so rude to Clarke. She can understand why. Costia is her friend and is only looking out for her.

“Are you kidding? After everything you’re still defending her?” Costia scoffs and shuts the door on Clarke.

Lexa’s jaw tightens. “Are you kidding me!?” She finds herself shouting. “She’s my friend.”

“I’m your friend. She’s just an asshole who broke your heart! Did she stay up with you while you cried at night, did she mend your cuts and ice your bruises when you came back from the gym looking like you got hit by a truck!? No she didn’t! She wasn’t there, she did that to you!” Costia is absolutely livid, perhaps it’s been building this entire time. Maybe Costia thought she had control of it until she saw Clarke. Her eyes blaze with her passion and Lexa wishes she could reason with her but Costia… this is all Costia knows of Clarke. She knows her reputation, she knows her quiet answers in their shared class, she knows her art, but most of all, she knows how badly Lexa has hurt because of her.

Clarke is nothing but a villain in Costia’s eyes and Lexa can understand that. But it doesn’t change the fact that Clarke is anything but a villain, especially to Lexa. It doesn’t matter how many times Lexa stayed up late crying over her, it doesn’t matter how many hours she wasted punching people and bags at the gym, it doesn’t matter how little she ate or how much she ran, Clarke will always be a hero to her.

Clarke will always be special.

Lexa sighs and rubs at her temple. “Cos, I know, I know your mad at her. But It’s okay. I’m getting better, I’m moving on, it’s okay.” She tries to reason with her without lashing out, even as the flare of her own anger sparks lively in her chest. She gets so protective over Clarke, even now.

“You can’t move on by still being around her all the time. I see you doing the same stuff as before Lexa, she’s just going to hurt you more.” Maybe in Costia’s head this is reasonable, maybe she’s even right. But Lexa’s acutely aware that this is one of those moments where it’s just not her place to decide.

“It’s not your place to decide if I should or shouldn’t be Clarke’s friend. It’s mine, and if I decide that Clarke can stay in my life you have to accept that.” She keeps her voice steady even as her chest burns. She has a bigger urge to swing the door open and run and find Clarke, just to make sure Costia hadn’t hurt her feelings.

She ignores that urge though because she can find Clarke later. She doesn’t need to run after her every time someone says something they shouldn’t. “I don’t like it.” She pouts, and Lexa almost laughs, the angry flare leaving her chest as she sees Costia’s shoulders slump in defeat.

“I’m sorry.” She says instead. “You can accept it though?” She quirks a brow and Costia takes awhile to meet her eyes but eventually she does.

“Of course.” Costia grumbles. “I just don’t like it.” She turns toward the door and opens it again, but Clarke is gone, and Lexa can feel the frown on her face the moment she realizes Clarke has already left. She ignores the urge again and lets out a heavy sigh as Costia shuts the door and turns to her sheepishly.

“Sorry.” She mumbles, and Lexa finds herself chuckling at the situation.

“It’s fine, I’ll just call her.” Lexa grabs her phone off her charger and unlocks it to pull up her messages to Clarke.

**Lexa (** _3:34 P.M._ **):** Hey, I’m sorry about Costia. I talked to her, what did you need to give me?

She waits for a while. She thinks about calling her after five minutes pass with no reply, but she doesn’t. She’s letting out another sigh when she stands from her bed and slips on her shoes.

“Are you going after her?” Costia says a bit judgingly but falters when Lexa shoots her a stern look.

“I am, she’s not replying.” She says honestly and moves around her bed to the door, but she stops as she steps on something. Below her converse lies a thin black notebook, it looks as if it had been slipped under the door and maybe this is what Clarke had wanted her to have, so she bends down and picks it up, feeling the weight of it.

“What’s that?” Costia asks, peering up at her curiously.

Lexa waves her hand dismissively. “I’ll be back later.” She says instead, gripping the notebook and holding it to her chest as she pulls the door open and closes it behind her.

She’s opens the front page as she’s walking.

 

_“I don’t know how to put things into words._

_So, I drew them.”_

 

She flips the page again and _“HEARTS”_ reads across like a title page, with a little cute heart character peaking over it, almost as if they’re shy. She traces it, the distinct pattern of Clarke’s art and she feels her heart pick up as she sits down on a chair in the quiet common area. It’s usually not quiet out here, but it’s one of those rare moments where there’s very few people here.

So she takes advantage of it as she flips the page to the first drawing in the notebook.

She frowns slightly scanning over an image of what must be their first meeting. No, it is their first meeting, Lexa looking lost with her garbage map and Clarke greeting her. But she has a heart chained to her ankle, peeking out much like it had from the title page, peering up at Lexa nervously. She doesn’t quite get what it means at first, but she finds herself tracing the heart character again before she flips the page.

The second drawing is the first time they meet on the hill. Of course, Lexa looks otherworldly in it, she’s sure she’ll go through this entire thin notebook with pictures of her that make her look like she’s from an entirely different universe. Clarke has always drawn her like that… she wonders what that means now, since it hadn’t meant what she thought it did. She places that thought aside for now and focuses on the drawings. The heart around her ankle, though still chained is no longer peeking out but sitting between them, again peering up at Lexa curiously. She finds herself yet again tracing it.

She flips the page and is met with another moment, though she can’t quite place when in time this is. It’s closer up with Clarke’s hand in the side of Lexa’s hair on their picnic table on the hill. That heart still chained to her ankle, but the chain seems a bit longer in this photo, long enough that the heart can sit between them with the little distance there, still peering up at Lexa openly.

She flips it and flips it and it’s full of almost every moment, so many moments they’ve spent together with a chained heart colored red around Clarke’s ankle, peering up at Lexa, reaching out for Lexa, chasing after Lexa, tugging at Lexa’s sleeves, her own ankle. She flips and flips, and she traces that heart every single time with her own responding heartbeat.

Her veins rush with blood and she blinks to keep the emotion from her eyes until she flips onto a drawing much darker than all the others. That night, Lexa’s standing and this time there’s a blue heart standing next to her ankle, hiding behind it slightly, but not chained like Clarke’s. But she can’t see the blue hearts eyes. She can’t even see her face, only her back because this photo is focused on her looking at Clarke in that soul crushing moment.

She looks so vulnerable and her heart around her ankle looks worse. The chain isn’t long anymore, short as the heart reaches out for Lexa… or is it reaching out for the blue heart that’s begun to hide behind Lexa. She isn’t sure. She traces the heart the same way she did on every other picture and flips the page again.

Lexa isn’t in this next one, it’s only Clarke on the floor of her apartment in a curled-up ball while her heart struggles and tugs at the chain that connects it to Clarke’s ankle, as if it’s trying to get away from her, trying to run. She traces Clarke this time, Clarke’s small form on the page instead of the heart before she flips it.

She can feel her stomach drop when the next picture is again of Clarke, alone in her bed, sleeping maybe, in Lexa’s sweater… well it’s Clarke’s sweater but it’s Lexa’s sweater, with the heart sitting on Lexa’s side. Her heart is crying and gripping her chains in defeat. Lexa can’t say she completely understands but she’s starting too, and it only makes her own heart beat faster.

She flips the page again and this time its of them outside the library. Clarke’s heart is desperate to get to her again but is restricted by the same stupid chain, short and tight again so it can’t get far. Lexa’s blue heart appears in this one, hugging Lexa’s ankle, still unchained but looking frightened. Lexa is tense and angry in this drawing.

She flips the page and Lexa is walking away, leaving her heart to follow almost reluctantly while Clarke cries and her heart struggles and seems to be on the verge of screaming to get free from her, reaching out for Lexa, or her blue heart maybe. Again, she can’t be sure which.

She flips the page again and they’re on the hill in the rain. Clarke’s heart is still chained but instead of desperately tugging at her chains she’s reaching out a hand to the blue heart asking her to trust her, to take it while Clarke herself holds a crying Lexa. She traces everything about this drawing before she finally flips the page.

The next ones are of their slow tentative mending. The hearts are the focus, slowly and easily growing closer to each other. It’s almost cute and Lexa finds that she’s even smiling down at them. She’s growing near the end of the book now, so many drawings. The next is of Lexa leaving the library again first, she’s not looking back but that blue heart is, again looking reluctant as they go. Clarke is staring after her and she sees her heart desperate to break free again.

The next page is the heart tugging hard enough that the chain finally snaps.

And then the heart is running and running and where is the heart going?

When she flips the page it is empty, there’s no more and Lexa finds herself flipping through the last two blank pages desperately as if that will help Clarke’s amazing art appear there. But it doesn’t, and that is the end and immediately Lexa is standing from the chair she had been sitting in as she consumed Clarke’s little comic.

She snaps it shut and rushes out of the building to go find her.

 

***

 

The hill is the first spot she checks. When she doesn’t find Clarke there she does spend a few minutes just looking around at their old spot. She wonders if any of the drawings were salvageable briefly, feeling guilt creep up on her again over the fact. She’ll have to make that up to Clarke someday. It doesn’t matter how hurt she was, she shouldn’t have done that. If she had been thinking more clearly, she never would have.

She pushes those thoughts back for now, she’s got a task. So she leaves the hill, still holding the thin notebook in her arms and rushes to the library to check their spot. Clarke is not there either, though her drawings had basically ended there. She pouts and finds herself sending Clarke another text. She could have gone home, or maybe she’s working.

The café is the next place she checks before heading to Clarke’s apartment. She hadn’t been dressed for work when she showed up at Lexa’s door and it wasn’t even her hours, so she’s not surprised to find that Clarke’s not there. She leaves quickly after and heads to her apartment, calling Clarke on her way.

She listens to it ring, and ring, and ring and clenches her jaw when Clarke’s voice asks her to leave a voicemail. She doesn’t and hangs up, stuffing her phone in her pocket and walking the rest of the way in silence, holding the notebook in one hand while a billion thoughts of what she should say or ask run through her head.

This would be easier if Clarke hadn’t disappeared, why did she disappear? Maybe she lost her nerve. Maybe her heart is still chained to her ankle. Maybe Lexa’s reading way too much into all of this and that’s not what it means at all but instead is more of an elaborate apology. But’s it not… it’s got to be more than an apology. It just… wouldn’t make sense any other way.

She knocks as soon as she’s in front of the door and bounces on the back of her heels as she anxiously awaits. Maybe Clarke got upset or scared after Costia, maybe she needed a moment to cool off. But now, really wasn’t the time for that. Now they needed to talk and for some reason, the longer it took, the more anxious Lexa got. She felt like time was slipping out of her hands. She wasn’t sure how she could keep up with it.

She knocks again when there is still no answer after a long time and feels her heart sink. _If Clarke’s not here than where is she?_

“Lexa?” She jumps slightly and turns to Raven who’s giving her a curious but happy look. “Need inside?”

“Is Clarke home, do you know?”

“Um, I think so? It’s Saturday so she’s not working.”

“Can you let me in so I can check?”

“Of course.” Raven passes by her and unlocks the door, giving Lexa another curious glance as she rushes inside. She doesn’t knock before opening Clarke’s bedroom door but releases a long and heavy sigh when she finds it empty. Where is she?

“Did you check the library, she’s there a lot on the weekend?” Raven’s head appears in the doorway.

“I did.” She heads to Clarke’s office door and again doesn’t knock before she opens it but Clarke isn’t painting. She does stop however, to take notice of a lot of the ruined drawings.

“I collected them for her.” Raven mumbles as she leans in the doorway of the office. “She’s been re-doing them all, she wanted to show you when she was done so you wouldn’t feel bad anymore.”

Lexa frowns. “I still feel bad.” She admits quietly as she walks along the wall to check over the ones she’s already re-done. They’re better than the old ones, possibly because Clarke has already had so much practice on her face that she’s nearly mastered all her features.

“She goes to that place a lot, on the hill, you check there?”

“First place I checked.”

“Huh,” She frowns as she thinks but she looks as stumped as Lexa.

“Did she tell you?”

“What?”

“This?” Lexa holds up the thin notebook full of Clarke’s drawings and notices Raven’s eyes scanning it, but there doesn’t seem to be realization there.

“No, what’s that?”

“It’s…” Lexa hesitates, regards the notebook and then shakes her head. “Nothing.” She sighs heavily. “I’m just going to wait here.” She walks out of the office, Raven moving to the side to let her out, and shuts it quietly behind her before plopping herself on the couch.

“Did she find someway to finally tell you about her feelings?” Raven’s eyebrow perks up curiously.

“Perhaps.” She fiddles with the edge of the notebook, legs bouncing as she glances around her environment, an environment she’s seen plenty of times, been in plenty of times. She tries to think, tries to focus on where Clarke would possibly go if not any of these places. It’s so hard to concentrate though. With the drawings and Lexa’s scrambled speech inside her head she doesn’t have much thinking capacity.

“I’ll try calling her.”

“I’ve already tried that.”

“Yes, I’m sure, but let me try too.” Raven pulls out her phone and has it pressed to her ear in record time. Lexa watches her anxiously, knees still bouncing but can tell by the fall of Raven’s face that Clarke doesn’t answer. “Clarke, don’t be an asshole, pick up your phone.” She hangs up after that an dials again.

Clarke doesn’t pick up again and Raven releases an impressively loud grumble. “She’ll come home eventually.” Lexa reasons though it doesn’t alleviate Raven’s frown.

It takes Lexa a moment but eventually she thinks of it and she doesn’t know why it took her so long. “I think I know where she is.” She stands up immediately, fumbles with the notebook and it plops onto the floor, falling open.

“Where?” Raven tries not to let her eyes stray, but they do, landing on the open notebook right before Lexa’s swipes it up. She can tell Raven understands what it is just by one drawing with the smirk that surfaces across her lips.

“Do you know of a car I can borrow?” Lexa asks instead of answering Raven’s question.

“Yeah, Bell’s. We always borrow his, I’ll call him.” And she does, getting on the phone immediately after and Lexa waits, again anxiously, hoping beyond everything that Clarke will be where she thinks she is.

 

***

 

She wants to scream. It’s just like Clarke to drop something like this on her and disappear right after. She’s frustrated beyond belief when she can’t see one sign of her. She’s got one place left to look on this beach and if she isn’t there than she’s done. She’s giving up, it doesn’t matter. Whatever Clarke had set out to achieve by giving this to her doesn’t matter because she can’t find her, and Clarke wasn’t brave enough to come back after she knew she had it.

She’s trudging through sand and feeling slightly unsatisfied when she stops for a second, squints up, her hand up over her eyes to shield her face from the fading sunlight. _There’s someone up there._ There is someone up there and that makes her feel a little bit better. She’s too far away to tell, she can’t fully see, but it could be her and that’s all that really matters.

The weather is hot this evening, hot enough that her rushing to every corner of the state looking in all of Clarke’s spots to find her has started to make the hairs on the back of her neck stick to her skin. She doesn’t want to be sweaty and breathless when she finds her, but Clarke really gave her no choice there.

She must rush a little, the same way she’s been rushing all day, because she’s breathing heavier by the time she makes it to the side of the road. The plus side is she can see exactly who it is standing on the bridge now and its definitely Clarke. Seeing her makes the frustration fade and instead all she’s left with is a pounding heartbeat and sweat on the back of her neck.

She grips the book tighter and walks, much slower than she means too toward her. She’s afraid of the conversation they’re about to have. She doesn’t even quite know what she’s going to say. She had been planning something but now she’s coming up blank. Everything she had previously thought of emptied quickly out of her head as soon as she found her.

She wonders if Clarke even realizes she’s approaching. She looks so deep in thought, thinking hard as she stares at the setting sun. She wonders what she’s thinking about. She always wonders what she’s thinking about.

She’s quiet when she approaches, moving around her, almost skimming her but not quite, before resting on the railing beside her. She almost thinks Clarke is so in her head she doesn’t even realize she’s here, but than she sees Clarke look at her from the corner of her eye, watches her left-hand twitch and grip the railing, and she knows Clarke realizes what’s going to happen.

She has to explain herself now and she wonders if Clarke even can. “Did you look at it?” It’s quiet. Softly mumbled past her lips and Lexa’s surprised she can still hear her even with the wind whipping in her ears. It blows Clarke’s loose hairs out of her messy bun around. Lexa’s fingers itch to push them behind her ears.

“I did.” She says louder than Clarke had spoken. She wants it to be clear, but she still isn’t sure of herself despite it. She doesn’t fully know what it all means. She can infer and hope for as many things as she wants but what is Clarke actually thinking? What does Clarke want from her?

When Clarke looks at her she almost thinks Clarke isn’t sure herself. Blue eyes wide and bright and slightly watery. Perhaps she thinks Lexa is going to leave again before she can explain further, or maybe she really doesn’t know what to say. “What does it mean, Clarke?” Lexa asks because Clarke has to explain. She deserves to know, just at least once, what Clarke is thinking.

“It’s hard for me to say out loud, to admit, I don’t know how to explain what I’m feeling.” She releases a heavy sigh before turning away from the sunset and facing Lexa. Lexa does the same so that Clarke knows she has her undivided attention. Looking at her while she speaks however proves to be too much and Clarke’s eyes move to her feet as she kicks at the dirt, hands in her coat pockets as she speaks. “I’ve been trying to tell you, but you wouldn’t let me, and I didn’t know what to do. I’ve spent so long trying to think of a way to say it, I just hope it’s not too late, that I waited too long or that I messed it up so much that I can’t even have the chance to fix it.” She swallows and Lexa listens, she listens really close and really intently. “Maybe I don’t deserve one,” she looks up than, into Lexa’s eyes and Lexa feels her heart stop inside of her chest. “but I want too. I want to deserve you.” She says it so sure of herself, licking at chapped lips from the sea wind.

Lexa can feel her eyes beginning to water but she’s unsure if it’s emotion or from the sea salt air. “You don’t have to find a way to explain how you feel.” Lexa holds up the book a little, traces her right palm over the front cover as if it’s something to cherish. “You’ve done that, but you do have to say it. Out loud, to me.” She takes a step closer and watches the way Clarke stops breathing.

She aches to kiss her, it’s been so long since she last kissed her. “I love you.” She says it as a whisper at first, just barely above it and again Lexa is left surprised that she even hears it. But she does hear it, she hears it and things click into place one after another. She can feel the speed of her own heart rate and she has to hold on tighter to the notebook in her hands to keep herself from flinging her arms around Clarke. “I’m so in love with you and I’m so sorry for being so stupid. I was just scared and that’s not a good excuse I know, but I made a mistake and-”

“It’s okay.” Lexa says and is surprised that her voice is now barely above a whisper as well. She steps even closer because it’s getting harder to keep the distance between them. Clarke loves her. Clarke is in love with her. And not everything is perfect, and Lexa is going to need time to build her trust back up, but Clarke loves her and that’s a good first step.

“Did I fuck it up too bad?” Clarke asks quietly, and Lexa reaches up to brush back the tears that slowly begin to fall from her eyes. One silent one after another. Her eyes are so blue when she cries.

“No,” Lexa gives her a half smile. “No, you didn’t.” She says that louder than a whisper and stops breathing as well when Clarke steps into her arms and wraps her own tightly around her, squeezing and holding her securely. Lexa’s right hand comes up to rest at the back of her neck, sliding into her hair and messing up the already messy bun while her left traces along her spine. Clarke smells like vanilla and cinnamon and Lexa greedily breathes her in.

She had stopped hoping Clarke would say these things to her. She had stopped imagining it in the middle of the night, had stopped jumping at every sound hoping it was Clarke coming to tell her exactly this very thing. She had stopped hoping but had never stopped wishing.

“I’m going to make it up to you.” Clarke mumbles into the skin of her neck before Lexa pulls back to see her eyes and wipe at her tears again. “Every single day for as long as you’ll let me. I’ll do better.” She sniffs slightly, and Lexa watches her closely before Clarke is rubbing at her own eyes.

“Can you tell me what happened?” Lexa whispers. She still has questions, she’s still afraid, she still thinks Clarke is about to change her mind or maybe she’s dreaming and none of this is actually real. Just another cruel joke her mind is playing on her.

Clarke nods. “I can try.” She clears her throat slightly and looks down at her feet again, kicking dirt. “I just…” She looks up and Lexa must look scared because Clarke’s expression softens from the panic and pain and somewhat relief that had been in it beforehand to a look only ever for Lexa. “I got so scared.” Her left-hand twitches and Lexa grabs it in her own before Clarke can stuff it in her pocket. “I thought that I could save you from me. I didn’t think it was too late.” Clarke shakes her head. “And that’s not the only thing I just… I never… part of it’s just me. I don’t think I deserve this. To be happy. I was being my own worst enemy and I wanted… I wanted to take it back the moment I said it. You walked out, and I wanted to go after you but I couldn’t, I was just… paralyzed.” She huffs slightly as if for a second, she was briefly re-living that moment that occurred only a few weeks ago.

“I’m sorry I didn’t make it easier for you to explain.” Lexa rubs her thumb along the skin over her knuckles and Clarke’s fingers twitch.

“You have nothing to apologize for, I wouldn’t have wanted to hear it either.”

It’s quiet for a moment. The wind blows in their ears as they look at each other shyly, trying to decide what their next move is. Lexa is overwhelmed with this turn of events, but she doesn’t let go of Clarke’s hand, almost afraid that once her fingers slip she’ll wake up.

She must be visibly thinking hard because in the next breath Clarke steps into her space and cups her free hand against Lexa’s left cheek. Her eyes shine and they’re bright, so Lexa allows herself to swim in them a moment, leaning slowly into Clarke’s gentle touch. “I love you, do you love me?” Clarke blinks up at her.

She takes a moment to understand the question before a soft snort escapes her. “You’re an idiot.” She says with a chuckle before she tugs at Clarke’s hand to propel her forward into her body further, her other hand slipping into her hair and then she’s kissing her and it’s like breathing after being underwater for too long. She feels freer than she has in weeks, a small piece of her mending, coming to peace as Clarke holds her like she never wants to let go, kissing her back like she’ll never get to do it again.

When they part they breathe heavy, Lexa doesn’t even open her eyes right away before gently brushing her nose against Clarke’s and listening to the small hitch she makes in her throat. “It will always be you.” She mumbles, brushes her nose across Clarke’s before muttering a soft “I love you,” after it and kissing her again, just as deeply.

She giggles into her mouth and holds onto her tighter. Lexa gets lost in it, she doesn’t know how long it is that they kiss on top of that bridge. She does know it’s a long time before they leave, the stars are out as she holds Clarke’s hand while they walk back to Bellamy’s car together.

It’s as she’s opened the passenger door for Clarke that she thinks of the ending of Clarke’s comic. “What happens?” She blurts, and Clarke meets her eyeline and stops just before bending to climb into the car. She turns to fully face Lexa and the brunette can feel her heart soar as Clarke’s hands tangle around the back of her neck.

“I left it open, so you could make the choice if you wanted to give me another chance or not.” She brushes her fingertips against Lexa’s cheekbone. “When you’re sure about this, I’ll finish it.” She says it as a promise and Lexa can feel her eyes slightly water over.

“I’m sure about you.” She mumbles delicately and kisses Clarke again. “Please finish it.” She says against her lips and Clarke chuckles into her mouth.

“I will.” She promises, and Lexa hopes they have many more promises to come.

 

Epilogue.

 

“You’re Clarke’s friend, right?” Lexa couldn’t remember the name of the man asking her. Some distance relative of Clarke’s. She had told her who, whispered it in her ear when she shook his hand but now the name escapes her. His grey eyes are dull, almost scary, entirely too wide to be comforting. If Lexa was honest, lots of things about this wedding were becoming entirely too uncomfortable.

She had been here for hours. She’s met so many people. It was okay at the start, she was fine. But after awhile with so many touches and too many bodies of strangers in such a tight space, things start to get hot and noisy. They start to feel like the walls are closing in and it takes all of Lexa’s energy not to run out of the room the moment the man addresses her.

She can’t even clear her head long enough to think of what to say to him. She logically understands but her mouth doesn’t move at first. She just stares at him like a deer in headlights, waiting to be hit by incoming traffic. She forgets to breathe for a second. Only a second, until she feels Clarke’s hand grasp her own, her own that had started shaking. Clarke is so good at reading her, but that doesn’t scare Lexa like it used too. “Girlfriend actually.” She squeezes Lexa’s hand and gives the man a big smile, a big fake smile.

Lexa squeezes back because she thinks maybe Clarke needs as much comforting as she does. “Oh, right, I’m sorry.” He says looking sheepish. His eyes are still too wide, and Lexa has to look away from them, just for a moment.

“If you’ll excuse us Uncle Rob, I would like to dance with her.” She doesn’t wait for him to agree, instead the moment the words are out of her mouth she’s tugging on Lexa’s hand and dragging her away, or well… she willingly goes. It takes everything in her not to break out in a grateful run.

She expects Clarke to stop on the dance floor with the many, many other people there but she doesn’t. Instead she drags Lexa out of the reception tent and into the sand by the ocean. The stars are out, and Lexa probably wouldn’t be able to see outside the moonlight if it wasn’t for all the lights they had set up previously.

It was pretty, Lexa would probably admire it more if she wasn’t so tired. “Figured you could use some air. You were looking about ready to run.” Clarke shoots her, her best real smile and Lexa can feel her heart stutter in that very common way it’s always done around her. She can’t help but return it, a slight upward curve of her lips, though she doesn’t say anything back quite yet.

Clarke doesn’t expect her too, and instead of pressing her for conversation she just drags her forward, into her arms and wraps them around her waist securely, so Lexa can feel the curve of her body fit against her own. She is Lexa’s favorite kind of comfort, she is home. “I love you.” She says in the next instant, as her hands tangle into her hair. It’s a reaction, an overwhelming tumble of words falling from her mouth.

But she’s not afraid of them like she used to be. She knows she can say it, she knows Clarke likes hearing it. Sometimes saying them out loud is comforting, sometimes it reminds her that this is real, and she gets to be with Clarke because Clarke loves her too. Sometimes she just needs to say them, just to hear it. “You’re okay? We can leave early.” Clarke’s eyes are her favorite color of blue in the twinkling fairy lights that surround them. A gentle sight of concern reserved for Lexa alone and it makes her heart ache.

“I’m okay.” She says softly, a soft smile spreads involuntarily along her mouth. “I’m with you.” She tugs at the back of Clarke’s neck just to press a kiss to the corner of her mouth and she listens to her intake of breath because she loves it when Clarke reacts to her like that.

“Mushy tonight.” Clarke giggles as her grip tightens around Lexa. “You remember that night I first brought you to this beach?”

“Mhm,”

“I totally knew I was in love with you then.” Clarke’s tone was light and happy, and it helped the tightness in Lexa’s chest and the stress and anxiety that had accumulated over the day to slowly alleviate.

“I just liked dancing with you.” Lexa says and chooses than to look up at the stars above them. They’re not as prominent as they were that night, with all the lights around them, but they’re still there, twinkling and shining down on them both and it makes Lexa smile. It makes her feel whole.

“You know, maybe we should have one of these one day, sometime in the distant future.” Clarke says it casually and Lexa even treats it as if it were casual but it’s a serious statement. A promise she sure didn’t expect from Clarke, at least not at this moment, it’s not even something she’s thought greatly about. Just a brief glimpse every now and again, with Clarke in mind as someone she wants to spend the rest of her days with. But never something in depth.

All her thoughts about it are much like Clarke’s comment. Casually said but honest and real enough. “A wedding?” She asks dumbly, and watches Clarke’s eyes twinkle and her smile stretch.

“Yeah, in the distant future. I can see it. Can you?” She’s surprised Clarke even has to ask her that. Lexa feels like Clarke is always the one that’s hard to read, she always thinks her own heart lies on her sleeve, book wide open for Clarke pretty blue eyes.

“Yeah.” Lexa smiles bigger than she had before. “Yeah I definitely can.” She mumbles it but it’s clear, and she can feel her heart grow too big for her chest as Clarke chuckles and brushes her nose over her own before kissing her under those pretty fairy lights and the dark night sky and an entire future laid out for them, and Lexa can’t think of much more she could want than what she has now.

She is home.

**Author's Note:**

> New chapter every two weeks. :)
> 
> This is the Cry Baby edition of this story for the Tell Me You Love Me series. You don't need to read other works in this series to know what's going on here, they're not attached in story. They're only in a series because they're based off songs from the same album.
> 
> Hit me up on my socials and follow me if you want to talk or just keep up with my writing.  
> Links:  
> Twitter - [@miselizalycia](https://twitter.com/miselizalycia)  
> Tumblr - [jazzyjazzin](https://jazzyjazzin.tumblr.com/)


End file.
